Thursday, March 29, 2007

Pool Results: And Then There Were 9

We were all over the place with Chris Sligh! I predicted yesterday that he'd be the one to go, but that doesn't get me any points in the pool, now does it? Just street cred. You all totally respect me more now, right? Anyway, here are this week's results:

12 points: Kim (wow, Kim!)
10 points: Carlywei, Shmuel
9 points: Angela, Martha
8 points: Mo Pie
7 points: S, Emily, Kelly, Stacey
6 points: Wendi, Kat
5 points: Amanda, Editrix, Weetabix

And the overall standings:

32 points: Mo Pie
31 points: Martha
30 points: Angela, Shmuel, Kim*
29 points: Carlywei
28 points: Kelly S.
26 points: Wendi. Emily
25 points: Kat
24 points: Stacey
23 points: Editrix
22 points: Amanda
20 points: S.*
16 points: Weetabix*

* = Entered late, points penalty assigned

Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Hey Baby Hey Baby Hey

P: So, Ryan Seacrest is making a frog mouth.
W: I've got not so much a frog mouth, more of a guppy face.
P: I am very enthusiastic about Gwen Stefani night!
W: I am fascinated by Gwen Stefani and I love her abs. I hope we see her abs.
P: It kind of lends this entire enterprise credibility that I find… interesting.
W: That Gwen Stefani is here in the top ten, she's not saved for the finale, like Prince? I know. Who can top Gwen frickin' Stefani?
P: Prince?
W: I don't know. It's right up there. And they're doing a Cure song oh my fucking hell this is the best show ever. One fricking guess who's singing that.
P: I have no… oh.. Gina?
W: Gina. I will bet money.
P: This reminds me of college. No Doubt were edgy and underground when I was in college.
W: They showed her abs!
P: Wow, she looks really cute. And kind of grown up.
W: She is gorgeous. I love her.
P: I read an interview with her in EW and she came off like a real asshole.
W: She comes off good in the most recent BUST.

(LaKisha, "Last Dance")
P: What is this song? I know this song! It goes fast.
W: A Donna Summer song. But look at her incredible dress! I think that might be a Lane Bryant dress.
P: And the boots! She's carrying the boots torch.
W: "I'm glad that Stephanie bitch is gone so I can wear some boots." She's rocking this little outfit, it's adorable! And her hair's cute.
P: She looks totally young—she took Simon's advice to heart.
W: The dress is slit up the side. A little LaKisha thigh happening. I could never wear a dress like that. Too much ass. She's got some streaks in her hair. Love LaKisha.
P: Yeah, she's awesome. And she's got some… boobies.
W: Yeah she does.
P: Paula didn't gush. That was weird. And Simon loves the boots.
W: Simon actually sounded a little pervy there.
P: I think he regrets his fat-bashing and this entire season is about backpedaling, and complimenting LaKisha.
W: I agree. She's the token fat girl that's acceptable. Also, she's a very small fat girl. I think Mandisa might be bigger than her if you put them side by side.
P: She's shorter than Ryan Seacrest, so she's obviously very petite.
W: She's on heels, and still at least a head shorter than him. Good point.


(Chris, "Every Little Thing He Does Is Magic")
P: Chris Sligh suddenly looks weird and old.
W: He looks like he doesn't feel very well tonight.
P: Come on, Chris Sligh, you're on the bubble! Look alive!
W: I think he's gonna throw up.
P: Yeah, he looks kind of pasty.
W: He's got a cold sweat happening.
P: Check out Gwen and her constructive criticism. AND HER FABULOUS HEELS.
W: They are awesome heels. I love this song. I love all Police songs, pretty much. Except that doo doo doo song.
P: I will faithfully record that. Even though I don't know what it means.
W: He didn't say "love her from the start" he said "love her from the staaaa…" That annoys me. It's a singing trick so you don't have a glottal stop, I think. But it was really pronounced.
P: He doesn't sound that good. He could be in trouble.
W: See, he does not look good.
P: Hee! Randy just said "your package."
W: Yes he did.
P: And Chris is going really early in the night, too. He's screwed. I think Simon's trying to save him with the insults.
W: Maybe.
P: Are they really allowed to play Simon Cowell off?
W: What was that about pushing the buttons? That was a strange exchange.
P: Hee. Ryan said "really, really hard."

(Gina, "I'll Stand By You")
P: Of course, Gina loves Gwen Stefani. And this isn't the Cure.
W: Oh god, please don't let it be Sanjaya massacring the Cure. I will weep openly.
P: Tears of blood.
W: The Chrissie Hynde song—perfect.
P: She sounds great on this.
W: She actually sounds better than Chris Sligh.
P: I love her corsety top thing.
W: She's really cute.
P: She's got a couple slightly off notes, but overall I think she sounds great. She's got the emotion in her voice.
W: She kinda reminds me of Bonnie Tyler.
P: Yeah…
W: Like in "Hero" when she's singing all over the place. And making crazy flat notes and sharp notes all over the place, but it works. I like Gina. And those boots are awesome.
P: I find the crosses too much.
W: You own a pair of Harley Davidson motorcycle boots.
P: Well I'm a hypocrite. Paula is being very… subdued.
W: Sober?
P: And she's wearing crepe. Maybe her hamster died.


W: I have a sign that looks like… Snort Pugs Love Jordi.
P: It looks like Snork Rings…
W: Someone clearly loves Haley. I can see that without even questioning it.
P: I think it's Spark Plugs.

(Sanyaja, "Bathwater")
W: Oh god, Gwen Stefani is having to tell him how to sing the song.
P: And she just basically said he sucks. We knew that, Gwen.
W: I do kinda like his hair, I'm sorry.
P: No, it is an abortion. Jordin Sparks, come out with your sign.
W: Oh I get the sign now! Spark Plugs. This isn't even recognizable as a No Doubt song. And also his Mohawk is falling down.
P: He's just embarrassing. He's embarrassing himself and America in equal parts. Kind of like George Bush.
W: You can kinda see the pattern in which he's going bald.
P: He's so bad. He's not going anywhere. And that is a travesty. That didn't even sound like No Doubt.
W: Is his fauxjawk kind of crooked?
P: It's floppy. It's flaccid.
W: It's wrong.
P: I think that we've just encapsulated Sanjaya: floppy, flaccid, and wrong.
W: Hee.
P: The rumor is that Indian call centers are keeping him in. I don't know if it's true but there was Hawaii and Jasmine Trias.
W: Is he even from India? I thought he was born in America.
P: He's the closest they're gonna get, I think. Indian-American.

(Haley, "True Colors")
W: Did you see the look Gwen was giving to the piano player? Like "do you see this shit?"
P: Haley's going for her strategy of distraction.
W: "Hi America. I remind you of Katharine McPhee."
P: I actually love this song. And she sounds okay singing it.
W: And she's got hella legs. They're hella good. See what I did there?
P: Hee. Nice note. Chris Sligh is officially the weakest link.
W: She's got incredible legs, I have to say. And the dress has some weird things happening in the backal region.
P: Oh my god, Wisconsin loves Haley!
W: No, Wisconsin does not! Wisconsin objects.
P: Duly noted.
W: I agree with Paula, she didn't show any vulnerability.
P: Who is that heckler in the crowd?
W: Maybe she's from Wisconsin. Haley didn't do the five symbol and hold up her fingers. She just won me over by not doing the five symbol.


(Phil, "Every Breath You Take ")
W: Phil Stacey is wearing a pancake on his head, I think.
P: I like the pancake. He looks kind of… hot in it. Maybe it's the wine talking.
W: It's the wine. It's some kind of knitted pancake. It's crocheted.
P: I suddenly feel extremely warmly towards Chris, and I'm not sure why.
W: "Towards Chris"? Freudian?
P: Oh! Maybe that's why.
W: I want Gwen to tell somebody that they need to yodel. Holy shit, this is good.
P: It's a perfect song for him, because it's about a creepy stalker.
W: He can funnel all his intensity into which is the best route for following you in his van.
P: But seriously, suddenly I love him.
W: Suddenly he's not creepy. Suddenly he has a strong jawline and a powerful profile. And I kind of caught myself checking out his package.
P: I know!
W: He got the Gwen stamp of approval. What can I do, Phil Stacey? I am feeling conned by his hats.
P: It's the pancake.
W: That was actually really good. I love how Randy has to qualify his praise with surprise.
P: I love how Paula came up with the word "chorus." I'm impressed. What is wrong with her? She's coherent!
W: We are right on line with what Simon is saying tonight. And Phil Stacey just did a douchey face and deflated all my interest.

(Melinda, "Heaven Knows")
W: It's a good discoey song.
P: I like the disco ball screen in the back. I'm not sure about the print on the dress. I don't like the belt.
W: Really? You don't like the belt over the shirt?
P: I know. Shocking.
W: And in this case I'm pro these leggings, which I don't think look good on many people.
P: I think this might be the first time since 1986 that I've liked leggings.
W: I think the cut is disguising the fact that she doesn't have a neck. She's so cute! Look at her cute face.
P: I don't think you can disguise the lack of neck.
W: Wasn't that the other -ina in the audience? Sabrina?
P: Maybe. Melinda looks so overwhelmed all the time. At what point does that get tiring?


(Blake, "Love Song")
W: Oh god, I forgot about Mike Boogie. Mike fucking Boogie is going to kill the Cure.
P: Gwen hates the beatboxing.
W: He's going to BEATBOX duing LOVE SONG? I HATE HIM. I wish Chris Richardson would have done this.
P: I kind of wish Sanyaja would have done this.
W: I kind of don't know which is worse.
P: He's gonna be in the top fucking two.
W: Please no. I can't deal with another ten weeks of beatboxing.
P: That is my unfortunate prediction.
W: I wish he would have come out with a whole bunch of eyeliner. Then I maybe would have tolerated the beatboxing. Maybe dressed as Brandon Lee in The Crow.
P: Ugh. He is like a Harry Potter douche in that sweater.
W: Hee. He didn't beatbox though, did he?
P: Thank god. Wait, he's Draco Malfoy.
W: Totally.
P: Yeah, he is the front running guy..
W: That's not hard.
P: That's what she said.

(Jordin, "Hey Baby")
P: What the hell. Lasers? Great song.
W: I'm not sure I'm liking the skirt though.,
P: The Dorothy Gale look.
W: I love her Hello Kitty necklace.
P: She's not exactly pulling off the Gwen Stefani vibe.
W: It's too much like a pep rally.
P: Exactly! But, again, I love her boots.
W: I think my niece has sung this song better. Which I don't say that often
P: I don't think it's her voice. It's her vibe.
W: Yeah, it's the way she's singing it. It's not right.
P: Okay, we are disagreeing with Randy. And Paula. Come on, Simon, don't let us down.
W: He really didn't say anything.
P: Oh well.

(Chris R., "Don't Speak")
P: Wait, if Chris is doing this song, what the fuck was Ryan talking about having to pay for it?
W: I have no idea.
P: I love how Gwen loves her own song.
W: Well she's gonna sing tomorrow. I've actually sung this at karaoke and stunk up the joint.
P: I find that hard to believe. He was K. Fed, right?
W: This is K. Fed, yes.
P: I just got the K. Fed vibe all over again.
W: If he had a hat on, that would help. Or if he were fucking around on Britney.
P: I'm surprised he's still in the competition, because I kind of forget about him.
W: But now he's in the pimp spot, so I Don't know.
P: I do. Chris Sligh is going home.
W: You think?
P: Either Chris or Haley.
W: I don't know, I thought Jordin was kinda iffy.
P: That would fit my demographic theory.
W: I don't know what to say to that.
P: Chris just goes in one ear and out the other for me.
W: He's like Team Who.


P: My heart tells me Chris is toast.
W: They picked a really bad snippet, too.
P: If not Chris, I'm gonna go Haley. And Jordin third. And we're stuck with Sanjaya forever.
W: I want to smack him.
P: I actually love Haley's dress. Did I mentionthat?
W: I like it, but I don't think many women could wear it.
P: There's sexy Phil Stacey.
W: Who ever thought that phrase would come out of your mouth?
P: Inexplicably sexy Phil Stacey.
W: Melinda has no fear tonight.
P: And no neck.
W: And still no neck. And Draco is fine. I don't want to call him Draco because I kind of think Lucius Malfoy is hot. I don't want him to be hot by relation.
P: Draco is still a twit.
W: But his dad is hot. And here's Chris trying desperately to get onto the radar.
P: Oh cue ball. You're safe.
W: Phil is like "give me back my pancake! It's the secret to my sex appeal!"

Weetapidol out.

Monday, March 26, 2007

Pool Results: Top 11

And Stephanie and her fabulous outfits are gone. Here are this week's pool results! (We have one more late entrant, Weetabix! She got the pity 5 points last week for Brandon's elimination.)

13 points: Kim (nice one, Kim! I think this puts you in contention.)
12 points: Mo Pie
11 points: Angela, Kelly S.
10 points: Martha, Weetabix
9 points: S.
8 points: Amanda, Emily, Editrix
7 points: Wendi, Carlywei, Shmuel
6 points: Kat, Stacey

And the overall standings:

24 points: Mo Pie
22 points: Martha
21 points: Angela, Kelly S.
20 points: Shmuel, Wendi
19 points: Kat, Emily, Carlywei
18 points: Kim, Editrix
17 points: Amanda, Stacey
15 points: Weetabix
13 points: S.

This week's recap and pool results should go up much sooner now that vacations and such are over. Thanks for your patience!

Saturday, March 24, 2007

If we were British, we'd make an Elevensies joke.

P: There's Ryan Seacrest, and he's dressed like Wink Martindale.
W: I would think Bob Eubanks.
P: Good call.
W: He was fond of the gray suit and the giant tie.
P: "That would be 'in the butt,' Ryan."

(opening credits)

P: Wait, did Ryan Seacrest just do a magic trick?
W: I would not say that's a good color for him.
P: Those colors really are Newlywed Game, seriously.
W: Did you see LaKisha was wearing an Igigi dress last week?
P: Yeah, my friend Kaylin actually texted me.
W: Is that McBeaver? Is McBeaver back in the competition?
P: Who are you looking at?
W: Kaylin or Taylor or… Celine Dion.
P: Hayley?
W: Yes, I knew it was some soap opera name. Which wine are you drinking?
P: Sauvignon Blanc.
W: Oh, very nace. I am drinking chilled Cabernet mmmfg
P: Cabernet Bluub bluub?
W: Yes. Cabernet Bluub bluub.
P: I just missed whatever that exchange was with the judges.
W: I missed it too.
P: I'm so excited about this theme.
W: Me too. And now we have a montage of the original American Idols. You know, Paul McCartney did not age well.
P: I look at him now and I just see the old man he became.
W: He's melting, it's like House of Wax. But I had a big thing about young Paul McCartney when I was twelve. Even though he was already in the mullet stage. I was all about 1964 Paul McCartney. I was bitter about Yoko.
P: I missed that whole Beatles thing and skipped straight to New Kids on the Block.

W: I've seen Peter Noone in concert.
P: Peter Noone! I've seen him too!
W: Wait, I thought you missed the whole 60s thing. When did you see him?
P: I went to a music festival with my gay ex-boyfriend David and it was Herman's Hermits, The Turtles, and Three Dog Night. We didn't know who any of them were. But our song was "Happy Together."
W: That's how I've seen Creed Bratton in concert. The Grassroots and Herman's Hermits both opened up for the Monkees.

(Hayley, "Tell Him")
P: She really does look like Katherine McPhee. Just for a second there.
W: If she pulls off a Katherine McPhee vibe, she's going to throw off my pool picks. I have her rated very low.
P: Who is this woman?
W: Lulu? To Sir With Love?
P: Yeah I have no idea.
W: You don't have a co-worker who's 600 years old who listens to oldies all day long.
P: She certainly thinks she's got a shot.
W: Her breasts are very fancy.
P: Hahahaha…
W: Really, look at those nipples go! Katherine McPhee coasted on the merit of her cleavage. Now these hot pants and the braless thing? Totally fucking up my pool picks.
P: It's the "at least I'm not fat" outfit.
W: "I'd like to see LaKisha pull this shit off." And Simon is watching her breasts.
P: He's not even being coy about it.
W: He's openly wiping the drool off his old man chin. Her naked breasts in satin. How can you not?
P: And she's got that backless naked thing going on too. There's no way she's going home. I have no idea how that song was. She hypnotized me with her nipples and it totally worked.
W: "By the way, your nipples were fantastic, dawg."
Paula: You've got this girlish quality.
W: The girlish quality is that she doesn't need a bra.
P: Simon's even admitting being a perv. He sees right through her… in more ways than one. And here's Ryan pretending to be straight again.
W: Really that is the worst tie combination ever.
P: I find it really hard to believe that could be anything other than a garage sale tie.
W: He's even got the really wide collar. It's so tongue in cheek. He's going to offer her a Manarita Range (Weet's post-blog note: I said "Amana Radar Range" but Pie gave it a much more fancy name.) and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni.


(Chris R., "Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying")
W: Why don't you sing a song somebody's heard of, Chris Richardson?
P: I think that might be a problem this week. He's not that memorable.
W: No.
P: I love Peter Noone's mullet. I will always love him for "Silhouettes." and "No Milk Today."
W: He's the first guest to say "he sucks."
P: He does have a pretty good voice. But he also has that fuzzy cue ball head that's so distressing.
W: He'd be better with hair. With one of those… things that boys have these days. I love how they're trying to make this not boring. "Show the guitar player's hands! Here's a bunch of spotlights!"
P: "Chris, stand up!"
W: "Do something!" He doesn't have a bad voice, but… at least Sanjaya I remember.
P: He's no Daughtry.
W: Maybe he needs a wallet chain. Or go all the way with the cue ball.
P: That last note, I did not enjoy.
W: No.
P: That audience is just hysterical. I would love to be in it one day.
W: You should make that happen.
P: I bet I'd catch the fever, it'd be like a spiritual. I'd be wildly orgasming over Sanjaya.
W: Wouldn't it be cool if we got invited to the finale?
P: Let's manifest that.
W: I will work on that. Let's manifest first class plane tickets too, for both of us.
P: Now I like Chris R's outfit.
W: I am not so much feeling the Mr. Rogers cardigan.
P: I feel like it shouldn't work, but for me it does. I'm a sucker for blue. Just not Ryan Seacrest shade of blue.
W: He looks like a televangelist.


(Stephanie, "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me")
P: Oh, great boots! I always love what she wears.
W: The necklace is a little too long, though. That is my judgment.
P: I can see that… I just like the boots. And this is a great song. And there's this crazy ass orchestra.
W: And someone finally put a bra on the backup singers.
P: I look at her and I see an almost ran. I mean an also ran. I've had wine.
W: Yeah. She's up against too much this season.
P: Demographics are against her.
W: The boots are great. The dress is not.
P: It's the bottom part of the dress that is the problem.
W: It's unfortunate, because the color is really good for her.
P: She should be on this show next season.
W: When presumably there will be less talent?
P: Yes. Or last season.
W: When she could have knocked Taylor Hicks right the fuck out of there.
P: Paula's kind of inarticulately slurring again.
W: Is it "rhythamical"?
P: Oh my god, the Coca Cola cups have gone crazy.
W: You didn't notice that? It's like they're filled with lava now.


W: By the way, Ryan's outfit totally matches the stage. Maybe this is an homage to Ed Sullivan.
P: He's holding up a cell phone and making a douchey face.

(Blake, "The Season")
P: Oh god, Blake. And he's fucking beatboxing. And singing a song I love. Did Peter Noone just tell him to stop beatboxing because I love Peter Noone extra!
W: Yes. What kind of crazy world is this, when Peter Noone is the voice of reason?
P: A just world.
W: Who knew? Peter Noone for president!
P: And he's still beatboxing.
W: He's going to break into the robot at some point.
P: And he sounds fucking great. I'm really pissed. Because… I hate him.
W: If he wins…
P: …it will still be less egregious than Taylor.
W: I don't know.
P: I even like his stupid plaid fucking pants.
W: I don't like them with the white sneakers.
P: There's his robot.
W: Told you.
P: Yeah this is very original, blah blah blah. I guess it's not his fault that he's a giant penis.
W: Well they told him to do the beatboxing, and now he's putting it everywhere. It's the "more cowbell" of Blake.
P: Hee. I agree with Randy that it was a good performance. That's why I'm annoyed.
W: I know.
(Ryan and Blake dance.)
P: Oh my god.
W: No, no. Oh Jesus. He shouldn't dance in that suit. I think I'm going to write a haiku this week to Ryan's suit.


(LaKisha, "Diamonds Are Forever")
P: People are not picking her to win in the pool, and I feel that's a mistake.
W: Who are they picking?
P: Melinda.
W: Bullshit! Shirley Bassey's awesome.
P: This woman is a little crazy. And she's not as good as LaKisha.
W: She picked this one.
P: Loooove this dress.
W: You actually need this dress right here.
P: And her hair looks so pretty!
W: I love her hair like this. Have you ever heard the Shirley Bassey version of this? She's doing a very comparable job.
Ian: She's good.
P: I know! She's my pick to win! (to Weet) this is the first thing Ian has roused himself to say, that she's good.
W: There it is. Ian has spoken.
P: Yeah, I just love her voice.
W: It's very classic. And it's a great dress. I'll find out where that's from.
P: And what colors it comes in.
W: If can find something comparable in a light blue, that would be perfect for you. Even the black would be beautiful.
P: (applauds)
W: That was grrrreat. Love LaKisha.
P: I keep thinking she's gonna peak, and she hasn't yet.
W: I know.
P: Randy didn't like it?
Ian: WHAT?
P: (to W) Ian is indignant.
W: I would like to hear Peter Noone's opinion on LaKisha.
P: Simon didn't like the hair and the dress?
W: The dress is awesome.
P: I think Simon wanted more nipples.
W: Yes. When you're carting around girls like that, you can't go around braless like Hayley Ashley or whatever.
P: Yay LaKisha! I'm giving her the official Weetapidol endorsement.
W: I'll co-sign that. Now if it were between LaKisha and Mandisa?
P: Mandisa hates the gays. I'll go with LaKisha.
W: Yeah.
P: And I actually think I like her voice better.
W: Really? I'd have to see them in a cage match.

(Phil, "Tobacco Road")
W: Oh who cares.
P: I forgot about Phil.
W: Really? This is the most fun 60s song you could think of?
P: Someone needs to sing some Herman's Hermits!
W: You would think.
P: "No Milk Today"! That would be fun!
W: "I'm Henry VIII I Am!" That's what I want to hear, novelty songs. Or the Archies, Sugar Sugar. I'm sorry, Phil Stacey, you suck.
P: Oh he's waving the microphone stand!
W: He's trying to emulate Mr. Wallet Chain, and it is not going to happen.
P: Maybe that's why he shaved his head.
W: Is that Goulash howling in the background?
P: Goulash is eating a stuffed baby raccoon.
W: Poor baby raccoon.
P: I think it's a commentary on Phil's performance.
W: I was going to say, What's Phil's excuse?
P: That doesn't even make sense.
W: Well Goulash is howling, and eating a baby raccoon, and… apparently I need to footnote my jokes. Drink some more wine.
P: Phil is basically the poor man's Chris Daughtry.
W: He's Mock Daughtry.
P: He's Mock…try?
W: I'm glad we're not actually judges on American Idol. We'd have to come up with constructive criticism at this time. And mine would be "try not to suck, you skeeve me out! And also your shirt is icky."
P: God, I know.
W: I think everyone can look hot with the right clothes and hair and I can’t figure out whzt he's doing wrong. Why would anyone want a shirt that looks dirty?
P: He needs a hair. Maybe more than one.
W: Slap a muppet on top of that man.


(Jordin, "I Who Have Nothing")
P: Lulu is very enthusiastic and I enjoy that.
W: She's cute. Jordin kind of reminds me of Ugly Betty.
P: She looks like her, she totally reminds me of her.
W: And her personality, the way she kind of dorks out.
P: Except she's a crazy pro-life nut.
W: I thought we were putting that behind us?
P: Oh yeah right.
W: So who is this crazy pro-life nut?
P: I have no idea what you're talking about.
W: Perhaps she should not wear horizontal striping.
P: I love that dress.
W: I like the dress, but I don't like the stripes.
P: I love them. I covet that dress, horizontal stripes and all. But this seems like an "old song" to me.
W: I was just thinking this didn't sound like an old song.
P: We're disagreeing all over the place about Jordin!
W: You got peanut butter in my chocolate. I like the earrings.
P: I was just thinking I don't really like them!
P: I'm not trying to be contrary, I swear! It's just working out that way.
W: Drink more wine.


(Sanjaya, "You Really Got Me")

P: Simon does not agree with Peter Noone at all right now.
W: But he's right—it's not a singing competition, it's a voting competition. AKA Taylor fuycking Hicks.
P: And as if to remind us of Taylor Hicks, here's Sanjaha.
W: Apparently Sanjaya is going to assault us.
(Sanjaya sings)
Ian: No.
W: It's not good. It's not good. It's bad.
P: If he sings Herman's Hermits, I'll vote for him.
W: The vote is done. Mo. It's Thursday.
P: Shhh! Preserve the illusion.
Peter: He should go with You Really Got Me.
W: "And really don't hurt my song.. .fucker."
P: That jacket is so horrifying. I didn't think it was possible to out-horrify Ryan's outfit.
Ian: That little girl!
W: Why is she crying?? Why is she crying, little girl! Look what you've done to America, Sanjaya.
P: What's wrong with that little girl? She likes Sanjaya. Does she have some kind of disease?
W: Maybe she has epilepsy and the Chris lights gave her seizures. But she's ratings gold.
(Girl cries. We laugh.)
W: Oh, that was just an abortion.
P: Jordin Sparks needs to come out and…
W:. … protest him.
P: That girl is really distressing me.
W: Sanjaya's mom is wearing some kind of bedazzled shirt that says Momjaya. And I'm sorry, that crying kid is hilarious.
P: Oh, this is going to get him fucking votes.
W: Of course. And her older sister's like, "god, you fucking drama queen. I'm totally telling Mom."
P: I'm telling you, I will be turning into that little girl if I am at the finale.
W: I'll have to sit on the other side of the auditorium. And I'm not going to help you carry in all your signs, either.


(Gina, "Paint It Black")
P: "The blogs can get you down"? Oh, Gina. We should say something nice about her in case she reads this.
W: I like her hair.
P: I think this competition needs her.
W: I agree. To offset Hayley and her swinging, hypnotizing breasts.
P: She also picks great songs.
W: Yeah, this is a great song for her.
P: She has fantastic hair. But her voice isn't sounding great.
W: No. She's got a wallet chain. I'm interested.
P: I'm interested in the drummer. He's drumming intensely.
W: He kind of had O-face going on there.
P: Most musicians have O-face going on when they play.
W: You know what she should have done? Jefferson Airplane. "Go Ask Alice."
P: Yeah, that would have been awesome.
W: But I'm sure she couldn't have done an LSD song on the family show that is American Idol. Although Haley and her nipples are fine.
P: Now I'm just sad she didn't do "Go Ask Alice."
W: This isn't just about the 60s, this is about the British Invasion.
P: Ryan looks like a little wee man next to Gina.
W: It's not just looks. Ryan is a wee little man.
P: Hee.
W: Aw, she's sad. Don't cry. You've got a sports bra and wallet chain. You're invincible.
P: What?
W: I've had an entire bottle of wine now. I don't even know what I'm saying.


(Chris S., "She's Not There")
P: Peter Noone is so wise.
W: He's like the Dumbledore of American Idol.
P: Ha! Oh, Drunk Wendy.
W: Well, he is.
P: I love this song too.
W: He started in the audience.
P: Is that girl still crying?
W: I hope so. I enjoy the crying girl.
P: I would be crying right now. Because I love Chris Sligh.
W: Oh my god, that sign just said "bringing chubby back!" I came up with that! ME!
P: We can't use that now!
W: Because an American Idol sign used it?
P: Yes.
W: Fuck. I'm sorry. I'll come up with something better. And I'm sorry, I'm finding this performance lacking.
P: I like this performance.
W: Well this is the Jordin Sparks earrings of the night.
P: Wait. I thought Jordin's earrings were the Jordin Sparks earrings of the night?
W: Well… and there's the fucking sign again. Fucking hell. Chris has got some Weird Al hair going on here.
P: Paula sometimes looks kind of old and… glazed.
W: She does.
P: "Fro Patro"! That is funny!
W: That IS funny. What are you going to put on your American Idol sign for the finale?
P: I have to think about it.
W: How about "Big Fat Idol: We've Got Ham"?
P (theme song imitation): Rrrrrrrooo roooooo!
W: Cut it out, you're going to give me nightmares!


(Melinda, "As Long As He Needs Me")
Ian: AAAAAAH! Oh my god!!
P: It's okay!!!
W: What?
P: Ian's disturbed by her lack of neck.
W: Have you ever seen The Lost Crystal?
P: The Last Crystal?
W: No, the Lost Crystal. No, the Dark Crystal. Jim Henson's The Dark Crystal.
P: (laughter)
W: Have you or have you not?
P: Er, no.
W: She looks like a gelfling from the Dark Crystal. Just write it down. Our readers will know. Poor Melinda must confuse the hell out of the wardrobe people. "What can I do? What can I do about the shoulders?"
P: This outfit is old.
W: It's not doing her any favors. Her hair is cute though. It's much cuter this week. (Crying girl: uproarious laughter. P rewinds for Ian)
P: I would pick LaKisha over her a hundred times.
W: A million times, easily. LaKisha is so much better.
P: I think we're in the minority in that opinion. But at least we agree.
W: At least it's not the Jordin Sparks earring debacle.
P: That girl behind Randy is nodding and agreeing like she's a judge. They're not going to ask her back for the finale—maybe her seat will open up for us. Wow, Melinda's top is not good.
W: No. It's just not going her any favors. Her breasts are like, hanging diagonally... it's not good.
P: A better bra, or different fabric, or something…
W: Something. It's just not good.

(recap montage)
P: So who do you think goes?
W: I think I found out from a Google Alert. Was it Stephanie?
P: Yeah, it was Stephanie. But I pegged it.

Weetapidol out… and still pissed off about the "Bringing Chubby Back" thing.

We know how you feel, Ryan

Check out the hand gesture about fifteen seconds into this video, when Ryan is talking about Simon grabbing the microphone stand.

Sadly, "Rymon" just doesn't roll off the tongue as well as Brangelina.

And then there's this exchange, which clearly caused Melinda Doolittle a lot of internal anguish:

Oh Ryan and Simon, you crazy kids, would you just get married already? You deserve happiness too!

Thursday, March 15, 2007

Weetapidol Pool: Week One Results and Second Chance!

First off, there are at least two people who didn't make it into the Weetapidol pool in time to guess the top 12. So they're competing head-to-head to get the top 11 right. If you're in the same boat, go ahead and post your picks for the top 11, and you can join the little side pool that we have going on. In order to enter that pool, you'll need to get your picks in before the results show next week.

Here are this week's results:

13 points: Kat, Shmuel, Wendi
12 points: Carlywei, Mo Pie, Martha
11 points: Stacey, Emily
10 points: Editrix, Angela, Kelly
9 points: Amanda
5 points*: S, Kim

*Anyone who enters the pool during the next week will get a courtesy 5 points for putting Brandon last. That way you still have a shot!

Sunday, March 11, 2007

Official Weetapidol Pool II

Last year, frequent commenter Martha devastated us with her accurate prognostication of the ousting order of the Top 12, and for her efforts, she chose from a selection of Idol-related prizes, getting a Dreamgirls soundtrack for her very own. Can she do it again? Or will you accurately predict the order in which the twelve Idols will be sent home? Here's how to play:

Leave a comment on this thread with your predictions of the order in which the contestants will be sent home. Count down from 12th to 1, with 1 being the new American Idol, and 12th is the lamer who will be voted out next Wednesday.

Participation in the pool is free, and yes, there will be a prize once again!

You will get 13 points for the rankings you get right. One point will be subtracted for each position you are off. So, if you have Blake being eliminated in nine weeks and he is eliminated in five weeks, you'll get 9 points (13 points - 4 positions), but if you guessed that he was going to go all the way and be your new American Idol (Because if we have learned anything after last year, it is that America clearly loves a dorky white guy) you'll only get 5 points (13 points - 8 positions). Your rankings must be in by 6 pm EST on Thursday, March 15 Wednesday, March 14 in order to receive full point value. If it's past that date, you can still play, you just won't get points for the Idols who have already gone home.

In case you need the list of contestants, here it is, in the order they are listed on the AI site:

Gina Glocksen
Haley Scarnato
Blake Lewis
Brandon Rogers
Jordin Sparks
LaKisha Jones
Chris Richardson
Chris Sligh
Melinda Doolittle
Stephanie Edwards
Phil Stacey
Sanjaya Malakar

What will you do, America? What will you do?

Top 16 Demographic Representations of America, sort of

Top 8 Guys

Pie: So I guess we skipped ahead.
Weet: I don't even know who got eliminated.
P: I don't remember any of these people.
W: Well we can see if we figure it out, and if not, they clearly deserved to go. I see Sundance, I see Brandon… is Mike Boogie gone?
P: No, he's not gone.
W: I see Federline.
P: Are both of the date rape guys there?
W: There's one.
P: There's the other.
W: Who's missing?
P: I have no idea.
W: Oh, little circuit party guy.
P: Oh yeah, A.J.
W: Poor AJ. I kinda liked him. Have you been spoiled yet?

(Blake Lewis, "All Mixed Up")
P: Kind of. I watched Best Week Ever. And they showed some of this. Like… this. Johnny Walker Blue.
W: Oh my god. Really? Really? I don't know about this skull motif he's got going on.
P: I hate him more and more each week. Because he's so Mike Boogie.
W: What song is he doing? For a second I thought it was that Snow song "Informer".
P: It's "All Mixed Up." Oh god, beatboxing.
W: I am afraid for this season. I fear that we're going to be stuck with Mike Boogie for a while.
P: I have the same fear.
W: Why was there a boing sound effect? Did you hear that?
P: It was his little Mike Boogie erection.
W: Hee. So you don't think he's packing heat?
P: I do not.

W: Paula Abdul seems to be dressing like Stevie Nicks this week.
P: I keep making typos. I typed "suck" for "stuck" and "weak" for "week." I think it's Freudian. But Blake is unique. That'll keep him for a long time. Like Taylor.
W: All the vanilla people are the ones who get canned immediately—OH BALD IDOL'S GONE!
P: Oh yeah.
W: That was quite the revelation. I didn't see Bald Idol, did you?
P: Mr. Serial Killer is gone.
W: America doesn't like serial killers. Apparently it doesn't mind the date raping.


W: So Sundance is sporting a fauxhawk this week and I'm not sure how I feel about that. And did Sanjaya always have highlights?
P: He's always had them in his heart.

(Sanjaya, "Waiting On The World To Change")

P: His hair is really not doing much to butch him up.
W: I'm trying to understand the intent behind it. I actually kinda like it. If he were a girl.
P: He does nothing for me.
W: He's not thrilling me the way he was before. He's so dry toast.
P: Maybe once he hits puberty.
W: When is that going to be, exactly?
P: I don't know. Maybe week five?
W: Yeah, not so much, Sanjaya.
P: That was a terrible song choice, too.
W: It was. Not feeling it.
P: He's making the pouty face again. That's a terrible, terrible idea.
W: Yeah. Paula's like "keep…not sucking, Sanjaya."
P: I like when Simon uses words like "ghastly."
W: I like when he gets all British. I like it when he's kind of an ass, but that's why I'm broken. Him and his giant neck.
P: If it weren't for Simon being a giant ass, the judging would be really pointless.
W: What do you think he's doing to cultivate that neck situations?
P: Crunches? Blowing Ryan Seacrest?
W: That's what I was going to say! Ryan. Trying not to break Ryan like a twig.

(Sundance, "Jeremy")
P: Okay that fat suit thing is just stupid. Oh my god JEREMY? I KIND OF LOVE HIM NOW!
W: I know! It's kind of good.
P: It's also kind of bad. But JEREMY!
W: On American Idol! Awesome. So is he trying to pick up the rocker train? The Chris rocker vibe?
P: He very well may be. But it just makes me want to see Chris Daughtry sing this song.
W: He would rock this.
P: Did you see the lack of bra support on one of the backup singers?
W: It's always not good in the back. There are some serious fashion tragedies usually happening in that line of three. But go Sundance.
P: I miss Chris Daughtry.
W: Even Ace. I miss Ace. Ace was so pretty.
P: Yeah, none of these guys are as pretty.
W: These are kind of the dregs. The only two pretty ones are our creepy date rape guys.
P: And Brandon Rogers, but in a gay way.
W: No, Simon! You're being fat prejudiced right now, Simon. And I'm gonna have a problem if I start liking Sundance.


P: Who the hell cares about that guy?
W: Some country guy.
P: Travis Tritt. This is really sad. He's totally shilling for his album on American Idol.
W: And providing cagey compliments about Randy Jackson.

(Chris Richardson "Tonight I Wanna Cry")
W: He's a little dreamy, Chris. Even though he's a little K.Fed.
P: Does he have a last name, or is he just going by Chris?
W: You can't do that if you have a really common name. It only works for Britney.
P: Yeah.
W: What is this song? Have I suddenly walked into a 50-and-up bar at happy hour? Is this country? He just did a country thing with his voice.
P: I have no idea.
W: Meh. The official word. Headlines say: Weetabix Says Meh. I think it's his hair.
P: The fuzzy cue-ball hair.
W: Yeah, that only works if you're Timberlake. Keith Urban! I called it, it was country.
P: I can't muster up any feelings for K. Fed.
W: I think if he had hair, I could. But without better hair, I'm flatlining.


P: I like this top 8, it's zippier.
W: Not quite as montage-y.
P: (American Idol noise impersonation) rrrroooo rooooo!
W: That's eerie. You do the little trill.. eerie.

(Jared Cotter, "If You Really Love Me")
W: What did we call him?
P: Captain Date Rape?
W: No, he was the one that pushes your head down.
P: That's less catchy.
W: We called him Captain Date Rape's wing man.
P: Oh yeah, Wing Man. But now with that sweater vest he looks like Carlton.
W: I was thinking he looked like Urkel without his glasses. He's WB Sitcom Stars of the '90s.
P: There's something off-putting about him.
W: I think it's because you can feel his dick at the back of your throat.
P: He looks uncomfortable or something.
W: Maybe it's the argyle. And this says a lot, because usually the presence of argyle makes me ovulate. But this… I'm a little skeeved.
P: So far all of these guys I'm like, eh.
W: I liked Sundance the best so far, sadly. I'd like to flush Mike Boogie.
P: The song is called "If You Really Love Me"!! Oh my god, HE READS WEETAPIDOL.
W: The best part about Paula talking is watching Simon's face. He is completely incapable of shielding his thoughts.
P: I can't believe the song is called "if you really loved me." I can't get over that. We said that two weeks ago.
W: If he does "Let's Get It On" next week. And then "Choke On It Bitch" the following week. Then we'll know. Shout out to Mr. Cotter!
P: (checks the archives) I can't believe this—he totally did "Let's Get It On" last week. And here's what we said the week before that: "P: Maybe he wouldn't actually date rape you, he'd just tell you you'd do it if you really loved him." We are good.
W: And "Choke On It Bitch" is definitely next week. Mark my words. It's bank.


W: Wait, there's the bald guy, he's just wearing a hat to throw us off. Cap'n Date Rape IS missing.
P: Ryan's like "The judges seem to find that you all suck this week."
W: "Yes, so far, you all suck. How can you suck less?"
P: That's the first time Ryan's ever said that.

(Brandon Rogers, "Celebrate")

(Brandon shows off his classical piano training in yet another montage)
W: Okay, that is hot. That's hotter than argyle.
P: Yeah, that is…
W: I love when guys are good with their hands.
P: I dated a guitarist once.
W: I actually did as well.
P: Hot.
W: I think everyone should have a guitarist in their past.
P: Suddenly Brandon is coming off as completely gay. I think it's the white jacket.
W: Is the white jacket the yellow shirt of the aughts? Remember that? If you wore a yellow shirt on Thursdays?
P: I don't know that code.
W: Is it just a Midwest thing?
P: Maybe.
W: LaKisha would blow that out of the water.
P: She's totally going to blow all of that out of the water. I'm looking forward to that tomorrow. In a few minutes.
Ryan: How badly do you want it?
W: Would you do me?
P: Hee.
W: I see you there in the white jacket.

(Phil Stacey, "I Need You ")
W: So is he saying he's not prematurely balding? He's doing it by choice? He's wearing a hat so I can't check for pattern in the stubble.
P: He is so creepy, I'm sorry.
W: I know, it's like E.T. is singing to me. The hat helps deflect the creepy a little. Now he's like that quirky guy who you think you want at a party, but then after a few hours it's like, oh would you shut up.
P: Oh my god, he is missing those notes.
W: It's just not good. It's so off Karaoke Revolution that the crowd meter would be low. Ow! That note just jumped out of my TV and slapped me.
P: I'm sure he's very nice, but he gives me the heebies.
W: He was always such a quiet boy.
P: Hee.
W: Oh, did they mention that Randy was in Journey? Because Randy was in Journey. I'm sorry, but do not disparage Steve Perry's name by comparing him to Phil fucking Stacey.
P: Phil is going to kill Simon.
W: He's going to be trailing Simon with his van later.


(Chris Sligh, "Wanna Be Loved")
W: I enjoy Ryan's outfit tonight. It's not annoying.
P: Why does he have two microphones?
W: Overcompensating. I don't know how I feel about Chris Sligh's flavor saver.
P: Now him I like.
W: Yeah. Even though I don't trust him. I feel like he's trying to sing God songs to me.
P: I shouldn't have told you that.
W: I'm like, don't be preachin' Jack Osborne! Maybe it's the glasses. Those glasses on people make me like them immediately. Maybe if Sundance wore the Weezer glasses, I'd like him more?
P: See, this has got some good energy.
W: He's got some good jeans on. He's working the Randy thinning stripes without them being too obvious.
P: This is the only performance that I've really liked.
W: I agree. And he's in the pimp spot.
P: (applauds)
W: I would have paid money for him to throw the mike stand into the audience. Take out the first row.
P: The judges like him less.
W: I wonder who Paula's favorite performance was. Brandon? She did the wiggle butt with Sundance, so maybe that one.
P: He's smart, he's doing the "I take constructive criticism" vibe.
W: And I think the judges are responding to that. They're not in an adversarial relationship with him like some of the others. Chris is like, I feel Jesus was in this auditorium with me tonight.
P: I like Chris. I even like his Jesusyness as long as he doesn't hate the gays.
W: Ryan's like, "don't get the fat on me please." Scandalous eyes from Simon.
P: He's totally hitting Brandon and the white jacket. It's so on.

W: Well, who do we think--You already know who is going. Here's who I think should be going—probably Sanjaya and… let me think… Phil Stacey.
P: It's not going to be any of the people who are super unique.
W: I think Brandon Rogers has staying power. I don't think Mr. Cotter does.
P: We've got two good looking black guys, two fat white guys…
W: Do they cancel each other out?
P: I think eventually they do. Every season it comes down to two people from totally different demographics. You're not gonna see a LaKisha Melinda final two, even though you should. It's why Jennifer Hudson and LaToya London didn't make it.
W: Yeah, obviously, they split their vote.
P: That's my overarching theory for the season. Every season it's either gonna be a male and female or black and white in the final two.
W: Or both. Has that ever happened? Well, Kelly and Justin, kind of.


P: Oh my god, Ryan's turtleneck. He looks like Brandon Rogers's penis.
W: So you're saying Brandon Rogers is uncircumcised?
P: I guess I am.
W: I'm Ryan Seacrest. Welcome to my crazy fashion experiment.

W: Oh my god, the cocksucker's still around? Wow.
P: Again., I don't remember who the hell is gone this week.
W: I bet it's one of those boring girls…
P: And another one of the boring girls.
W: I didn't see the one with the pretty eyes.
P: Oh yeah.
W: Paula's got a hickey this week. And Simon's got something that shows off his chest hair.
P: Randy's dressed like a referee. He's as usual, taking the vertical stripes too far.

(Jordin Sparks, "Heartbreaker")
P: I like her, except Evany e-mailed me to tell me she was a crazy right-winger.
W: I don't want to know this!
P: Oh this song is great.
W: She's got Chris lights happening.
P: She was also a Torrid model.
W: Yeah I posted that. She was a model search winner.
P: I love this song.
W: She doesn't look like she's 16. She looks 24. Wait, the sound cut out and she pulled the microphone away from her face.
P: What does that means?
W: That this is lip synched.
P: That can't be right.
W: Unless they held onto the note in the sound booth. But the song kept going and she dropped the microphone.
P: Randy needs a whistle.

(Sabrina Sloan, "Don't Let Go)
P: She's got good eyebrows.
W: Gina?
P: No, Sabrina.
W: They're both named "ina" so it's hard to keep track.
P: The "ina" demographic is going to cancel each other out.
W: She's got a very interesting look. She kind of reminds me a little bit of Gloria Estefan.
P: She's really not my favorite.
W: Gina? Sabrina?
P: This is Sabrina.
W: If it were any other year, she'd probably be higher on my list. But if it's between her and Antonella "I swallow every drop" Barba, I'll take any "ina" I can get.
P: I'll co-sign that.
W: Is it just me or are spiral perms coming back? I'm noticing it on both Jordan and the Ina.
P: She was good. No denying that.
W: I think I actually have a problem with her dress. The full-body rouching is not doing her any favors. It's giving her some unattractive bunches.

(Antonella Barba, "Put Your Records On")
P: She's singing Nelly Furtado.
W: Of course she is.
P: And she's not singing it that great.
W: And that's hard, because Nelly Furtado does not really have much vocal ability.
P: She's going to get through for being allegedly hot.
W: Didn't Frenchie get eliminated the morning after the boob pics hit? So why is it two and a half weeks later and we still have Antonella assaulting our ears?
P: Because's Frenchie's fat.
W: And how dare a fat girl show her breasts. But Antonella can suck-start a Buick and it's fine because she's "pretty."
P: I saw something about this on Best Week Ever, and they said it was because Frenchie got paid and Antonella didn't.
W: Oooh…
P: Their joke was that if you're a smart ho and get paid, it's no good, but if you're a dumb ho and do it for free, it's fine.
Simon: You've taken a lot of stick in the media…
W: "Taken a lot of stick"??? HAHAHA!
W: That's beautiful. You can't write that.
P: Antonella's trying to defend herself, it's so sad.
W: "I kinda want to wrap my lips around your head now Ryan, and I don't understand why."
P: Hee.
W: I wonder if her friend from Jersey still talks to her. Or if her friend from Jersey is the one who leaked those pictures.

(Haley Scarnato, "If My Heart Had Wings")
P: Okay I don't remember this girl at all.
W: She's Celine Dion.
P: But I like Celine Dion, and this girl sucks.
W: She sang Celine Dion and got flak for it. So now she's clearly trying to sing something else, and it’s not working out very well.
P: This is a horrible song.
W: I'm all wary about all the songs I don't know now. Are they trying to sneak God in? She just said heaven.
P: I think we should just assume if we don't know the song, it's about Jesus.
W: Her bangles are taped together with scotch tape. Where do you think Randy gets those gigantic watches he wears?
W: I'm gonna go there.
P: Randy's gonna throw out some penalty flags.
W: That would be awesome. If they had some sparkly flags they could throw on stage when there's a bad note. "We have a ruling from the field! Bad note! Pitchy!"
P: I agree with Simon, I don't know her name either.
W: Why does Ryan suddenly think he's James Lipton?
P: Yeah, he's gonna have a beard next week. Teri Hatcher.
W: There's some unfortunate highlighting action going on here.
P: And Paula's gotten some collagen lips.
W: You think?

(Stephanie Edwards, "Sweet Thing")
W: I enjoy Stephanie's dress.
P: That is gorgeous. And if I recall last week, her outfit was gorgeous too.
W: Yeah
P: She's got great style. I want that dress. I also want her body. She's got some great curves happening there.
W: I want to sing like her.
P: I feel bad for her, because she's competing against Melinda and LaKisha. And she's awesome.
W: Any other year, she'd be fine. I don't think she's in danger of not making it to the top 12…
P: No, I agree. But she's either going to be the LaToya or the J.Hud of this year.
W: There's always gonna be an upset though. Like last year Daughtry getting eliminated, when Pickler wouldn't go away.
P: There are four black women in the top eight, and I don't think it's gonna last. I could be wrong, but my demographic theory, I'm hanging onto it for now.

(LaKisha Jones, "I Have Nothing")
W: The world needs some LaKisha.
P: Oh my god, they totally have a fag/hag relationship going on. Like last season with Mandisa.
W: When he loved her feet.
P: I miss Ryan's foot fetish.
W: I'm sure we'll see it at some point. OOH! WHITNEY!
P: I don't like the ruffles at the bottom of the dress.
W: No. And she's doing something crazy with her hair.
P: I am pro the hair.
W: I don't understand what's going on with the bangs. I need some footnotes for the bangs.
P: Oh, she's so good. I worry that she's peaking.
W: Yeah. She's so good so early on.
P: There are only so many songs that are like Whitney-slash-Jennifer Holliday.
W: She can still explore the Celine… Bette Midler I guess… Patti LaBelle. I'd love to hear her sing Lady Marmalade.
P: She's just awesome. Maybe I should have a little more faith.
W: Have faith in LaKisha.
P: I will.
W: I would like some women clapping wearing shirts with my face on them. At my next board meeting.


(Gina Glocksen, "Call Me When You're Sober ")
W: Ryan's got a creepy vibe. Look at his he's staring at her.
P: Well we all know he doesn't mean it.
W: It was awkward. I felt awkward for them.
P: Nice outfit. I like the tights.
W: I do too.
P: This is a very Gina Glocksen song.
W: It's Evanescence, right? I like the red bra. A little peek of red? That's good.
P: She's got a good energy but she's not quite hitting it vocally.
W: I can forgive tht a little more in a rock song. Maybe I just like her red bra. Or girls who shop at Hot Topic.
P: She's getting by on stage presence. I don't think she's going anywhere, personally.
W: Are those tights or really tight jeans?
P: Yeah, I think they're pants.
W: Loving her hair. If I didn't have to be a corporate person, I might have to go there with streaks like that.
P: I agree with Randy. She's gotta be true to herself, like beatboxing Mike Boogie. The judges are always like "you should sing this style" one week and then "you always sing the same style" the next.
W: On Project Runway it's like "be true to yourself" and then "you're one-note."
P: Yeah, I think she's gonna go far.
W: Yes. I'm loving her eye makeup.
P: She's making friends with the band. That's probably smart.
W: It always is.
P: It's more important to make friends with the lighting director.
W: As obviously Chris did last year.


(Melinda Doolittle, "I'm A Woman")
P: Oh she's fabulous.
W: This is a better dress for her. She doesn't look as shruggy.
P: I think she's just got a short neck and I've gotta move past it. Ooh, she just gave me chills.
W: Yeah, she's good.
P: Melinda/LaKisha final two, that would be awesome.
W: I wouldn't know what to do with that. I'd go LaKisha at this point, but I really like Melinda a lot.
P: I concur.
Simon: You little tiger.
W: That was hot. I'm sorry, but that was a hot sound clip.
P: Simon is bitter about Jennifer Hudson. And for her it WAS a stepping stone.
W: She got kicked off! What is she going to say? She wouldn't have gotten Dreamgirls without American Idol. That's pretty much the definition of a stepping stone.

P: Okay, who do you think is gone?
W: Antonella, I think… I fear for Sabrina. Haley might be gone too.
P: Haley means nothing to me.


W: AAAAAAAA-merican Idol.

P: We love you, Chris Sligh.
W: I can't believe they're doing Steeler's Weels. What a random song. Every time I hear this song, I think about someone getting their ears cut off and gasoline poured on—WHY THE FUCK IS MIKE BOOGIE WEARING WHITE SHOES WITH BLACK?
P: …
W: I'm sorry. I had an inappropriate response to that.
P: No, he looks like a douchebag.
W: Which is appropriate. Because he's a douche.
P: He's a douche that we're going to get stuck with all fucking season.
W: I don't like when they show Phil Stacey coming at the camera.
P: All he needs is a butcher knife.

W: I love Jordin's dress. It's very cute.
P: She is always cute. Sanjaya is so sad, and doesn't belong there.
W: Look at how slim Sabrina looks there, not in that rouched nightmare.
P: She's tiny. Sorry, Sundance. Only room for one fat white guy.
W: There can only be one. Fat white guy.
P: I miss Ryan's T-shirt/blazer/jeans combos.
W: I'm not so much liking this one.
P: It's too formal. I like when he's friendlier.
W: You like when he looks like a penis in a turtleneck?
P: I didn't say that.
W: Randy's wearing a bedazzled shirt. We've seen through the stripes—now it's like maybe if he bedazzles his right man-breast, we won't figure out that he's chunky.
P: Oh god, we really don't need this montage. We just recapped this, I'm going to take a break from typing.
W: That's fine. You need not type.

P: LaKisha and Blake. We know they're safe. And Diana Ross. That's cool. Those were the two completely obvious ones.
W: Diana Ross is completely nuts. That ought to be fun.
P: We know Chris is safe. They're just getting the obviouses out of the way.
(Chris Sligh is safe)
W: "No shit" said the world.
P: Jordin's safe too.
W: Phil Stacey's crying. "Don't let the camera see my tears, man! I will hide them in Jordin."
P: Have I ever mentioned I hate the results show? It's like half psychological torture and half filler.
(Jared Cotter is out)
W: So we never get to hear "Choke on it, bitch." That's tragic.
P: (giggles) Sorry, Randy's bedazzling is making me laugh.
W: Now he's gonna sing again? Filler.
P: We just heard this ten seconds ago.
W: Let's rehash the thing that got him kicked off. I don't understand that. They should be able to pick a different song. Go on a high note and redeem yourself.
P: I totally agree with you. Goodbye Mr. Blowjob.
W: Bye, Wing Man. Go join Captain Date Rape. Now you can go cruise the bars.
P: That's sweet.
W: Aw, Antonella's crying. "He grabbed the back of my head and shoved it down my throat better than anyone! He didn't even take pictures!"


P: Melinda and Brandon. So we know Brandon's safe.
W: They could say Melinda's safe and Brandon's out. Wait, no, Mr. Cotter's out, so the demographic has been filled. We need Brandon.
P: Gina and Chris Richardson are a little more questionable, but I think they're both in.
W: Sanjaya and Sundance are the only two left. Oh, we're gonna hear Carrie Underwood sing now, filler.
P: I haven't seen her perform since the show, so I'm interested. Wow, what happened to her arms? They're so skinny.
W: Yeah, she lost a lot of weight. It was in the Enquirer. I would like to make a public declaration on Weetapidol. I don't like the top of the hair pulled back and the rest down. It almost never looks good on anyone.
P: I was just gonna say I don't like her hair, so I agree with you.
W: I'm so glad, because Carrie's also got the high belt over the shirt conflict that we have. It might tear our friendship apart.
P: This song is very dull. Generic country.
W: Yeah, I'm bored.
P: The guy with the violin is doing his best to pump this up.
W: He's trying to exude his edge, but Carrie Underwood is sucking all the edge out of it with her black hole of…
P: Smoothness?
W: I was going to say white bread and Republicanism, but okay!


W: Sanjaya looks like he's gonna cry.
P: Sanjaya ALWAYS looks like he's gonna cry.
(Antonella and Stephanie get called up)
W: They're gonna have to eliminate one of these two girls, because otherwise the otherwise the other two girls are getting eliminated.
(Antonella is eliminated)
W: Yaaaay!
P: Are those old people her parents?
W: Maybe they're her grandparents. Her parents died after seeing her blowjob pictures.
P: I saw on Best Week Ever that she got offered a quarter of a million dollars to host some porn site.
W: Well, she's not going to go any further in her singing career.
(Ian enters the room.)
Ian: Baby, she can't sing.
P: Don't worry, she just got eliminated. America knows she can't sing.
W: America would also like to call her up one night. Late, after the bar closes. To see if she wants to come over to America's house.

(Hayley and Sabrina)
W: Oh, poor Sabrina.
P: They both look so sad! This is why I hate this.
(Sabrina is out)
P: Why is she making that face? God, this is not that intense. Paula's doing Lamaze.
W: "What have you done, America?"
P: Sabrina really can sing, but this is not the tragedy of the world.


(Ryan and Simon go to Africa)
P: Okay philanthropy, blah blah.
W: What kind of strange trip was this? Was it their honeymoon?
P: No, this is good. It just seems kind of calculated.
W: It does, yes.
P: Aww.
W: That was a very cute baby.
P: If they keep showing us sad babies, we'll do whatever they want us too.
W: Big eyes equals open pocketbooks. I heard Gwen Stefani will be involved at some point.
P: And… Borat?
W: I hope he asks Paula about her vagine.

(Sanjaya and Sundance)
W: I hope it's Sanjaya getting eliminated, because I want to see him burst into tears. But I think you're right about demographics.
P: Dramatic music…
(Sundance is out)
W: Demographics strikes again.
P: Although four out of the six women are black, so it's not working on that side. Demographics only takes you so far.
W: Paula's choking up.
P: She thinks Sundance is one of the finest? Was she paying attention? Sanjaya looks like Paula is beating him up. He's got this "please don't kick me" look on his face.
W: At least we get to hear "Jeremy" again.
P: They let him sing about biting a breast.
W: Yeah.
P: That was pretty good, Sanjaya… I mean Sundance.
W: Or Kevin or Jason, whatever his name is. Oh look, another montage.
P: I wonder if we can hear the Daughtry song now. The new "I Had A Bad Day."
W: It is!
P: Oh, this is a good song. I love this whole album and I'm not ashamed to admit it.
W: You're not ashamed to admit that you love DAUGHTRY!
P: I know he's an asshole or whatever.
W: He wears sunglasses.
P: This is a much more appropriate song than "I had a bad day."
W: Yeah. And.. that's where my TiVo ended.

Weetapidol out.

Thursday, March 01, 2007

And We're Still Talking About BJs: Top 10 Guys

We're back together in Green Bay, at Casa de Bix, with Esteban wandering in midway through the liveblog to make inappropriate comments. Just like old times, my friends. Here's part one.

P: Okay Mike Boogie with the baseball cap. And some Kevin Federline guy in a fedora—who's that?
(We rewind)
W: Oh my god that's Sanjaya! Looking skeevy! He'd better be doing Billie Jean.

P: You can tell Ryan really enjoys saying A… MERICANidol. He even does it on his top 40 radio show.
W: My theory is that they have patterned the male guy in the glass elevator after Simon Cowell. Because he kind of has the same body shape and everything.
P: They have the same neck.
W: Yeah, everything's the same.

P They're talking about Jennifer Hudson and her Oscar. That is pretty amazing, actually, that an Idol contestant won an Oscar. "A person we discovered! That you vote for, America!"…except…
W: Yeah, except she didn't win.

(Phil Stacey)
W: I'm going back in the creepy camp with Phil Stacey. He's got another pimp spot. He was last last time and first this time.
P: And now he's mentioning September 11. He's the Rudy Giuliani of this competition. And it is totally "AMERICA, YOU WILL HAVE A BALD IDOL." You called it.
("I Aint Missing You")
W: He's doing Sting?
P: I guess.
W: Fucking hell. No—no, that's Cory Hart. No, John Waite. I'm a little drunk.
P: All I know is, it's from Pretty Woman.
W: I actually love this song.
P: Are you back to liking him?
W: I said I liked the song, not Phil Stacey. I guess with my bald Idols, I'd prefer that their eyebrows are not that prominent.
Esteban: He holds the microphone like it's a penis.
Weetabix (sings along drunkenly)
P: I can't hear Phil Stacey.
W: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I AM YOUR AMERICAN IDOL.
P: I'm sure it was fine. He still looks like a serial killer.
W: Is Paula wearing more hair this time?
P: Yeah, it got a lot hairer. "Hairer"?
W: Phil shouldn't wear white on TV. It's not a good look for him. He looks kind of like a tool. This is my problem with Phil.
P: That's what I said last week!
W: Well, now that I've seen him gesticulate…

(Jared Cotter)
Esteban: Why is there a tire on the table?
W: I don't know. It's this sort of Satanic Bridgestone, Firestone, thing.
Esteban: I see.
W: "Don't be so crappy"? I wish Taylor would have followed that advice.
P: He could follow it now.
W: You think they title this segment of the show "Ryan Raps With The Contestants?"
Esteban: I think they should title it "We Should Fast Forward Through This."
W: Oh god, Mr. Cotter is up.
P: This is Cap'n Date Rape's wing man, right?
W: Yeah.
("Let’s Get It On")
P: This is the perfect "you'd do it if you really loved me" song.
W: "I want to touch my cock to your esophagus, baby."
Esteban: And that's different from any man how?
W: You don't do that.
Esteban: It doesn't mean I'm not thinkin' it.
W: "I won't push you baby" that's what he just said. LIAR.
P: What the hell was that… petting his face?
Esteban: Was that the gesture of him running come down your face?
W: Facial!
Paula: You don't have to push…
P: …on the back of my head!
W: They are totally reading Weetapido!
Ryan: Oh, the things we did to this song.
W: Stop pretending, Ryan. The things he did, he did to Erasure.

(A.J. Tabaldo)
W: He's got a very very good voice, but he's a little too… I don't know.
P: He's a little too…
W: Exactly, you can't really put your finger on it.
("Feeling Good")
W: Have we ever had a gay Idol?
P: Well, a gay runner up.
W: We haven't had a gay Hispanic Idol.
P: It's not even that he's gay—he doesn't even seem gay. I went to high school with a bunch of guys like this.
W: Are they straight now?
P: It's not even about that, they've just got—modified Hondas or something.
Esteban: It's like a Christian cable access program. Are They Straight Now?

(Sanjaya Malakar)
W: We've got Sanjaya montage.
P: We're gonna have to hear about his sister again.
Esteban: This is a man?
("Steppin’ Out With My Baby")
W: He's not doing Michael Jackson. I'm not feeling good things about this performance.
Esteban: I do like the bass line, though.
P: This is actually the most I've ever liked him. I think the fedora works. Maybe I just love this song.
W: I think he shot himself in the foot here.
Esteban: Flat performance. Uninteresting.
P: Yeah… his voice is not up to it. It really seems karaokeish. And that note was not great. There's Randy's "ha ha ha, you suck."
W: Oh no, the "old soul" from Paula.
P: "Soul.. pony.. magic.. unicorn"
W: "Pretty… button…. red shirt"
P: I agree with Simon that the whispering happened.
W: Yes. Yes. It did happen.
P: And now he's gonna make me sad about his dead Grandpa.
Esteban: Just fast forward through all this Ryan Seacrest crap.
P: That's the whole show.

(Chris Sligh)
W: What, Chris Sligh is married? To that hottie?
Esteban: She's a porn star hottie.
P: Well, they're crazy Christians.
W: So the crazy Christians can get the hotties? (to Esteban) Honey, it's kind of like our marriage! You got married to the hottie and nobody understands it. "Her? How did he get her?"
P: You're gonna regret this when you read it tomorrow, drunky.
W: Look, words in the clouds again! Swear to god!
P: This is awesome.
W: I don't know if I can go two season in a row rooting for someone named Chris and getting my heart broken.
Esteban: But he's a Jesus freak, you said.
P: The other Chris was just a douchebag.
Esteban: Why?
W: Because… he wore sunglasses.
P: I can see why the hottie would be into him.
W: Women like guys who can make them laugh.
P: And he can sing.
W: Maybe they like each other for their…
Esteban: …Jesus.
W: Maybe he's sporting an 11-inch cock.
Esteban: Maybe he's sporting an 11-inch figurine of Jesus.

(Nick Pedro)
(Esteban and Weetabix debate the nickname of "Cap'n Date Rape" for some time)
P: I love this song!
W: Yeah, this is great.
P: Even though he's totally date-rapey.
Esteban: (to the tune of Fever) "GHB!"
(All laugh)
W: I don't think there's any way you can type enough words to translate that.
P: It's true, you had to be there.
Esteban: They keep cutting over to the drummer. Is it because he's more entertaining than this fuckstick?
P: Yes.
Esteban Maybe he blows up at the end of the song.
W: Okay, THAT is funny.

(Blake Lewis)
P: Oh god please erase… eliminate.. Mike Boogie.
W: No, he's got a good voice, he's just annoying.
P: Maybe you can just eliminate his annoyingness.
W: In an alternate reality, we would be like "ooh, Mike Boogie!"
P: In Opposite Land.
W: Where we'd be getting drunk on fruit punch.
("Virtual Insanity")
P: And I love this song. This is the painful part.
W: He's been doing very well on the songs he picks. The hat is ridiculous.
P: I hate him so much, I'm sorry. I want to set that hat on fire.
W: I love this song though.
Esteban: He's like Lance Bass. Or maybe Marky Mark without the muscles.
W: Ohmygodohmygod, NO! He's beatboxing!
P: Last week they told him to.
W: Seething hatred.
Esteban: You could call that scat.
P: Sure. He would be fine if he weren't a giant douche.

(Brandon Rogers)
P: I like Brandon.
("Time After Time")
P: This is a Karaoke Revolution song.
W: Oh it is! You're losing the crowd, Brandon. The crowd meter is going down.
P: I think it's pretty good. Not great.
W: Yeah, not feeling it.
P: He's too smiley.
W: You have to look poignant and angstful for this one. And maybe leave your boyfriend sleeping in the trailer. By which I am referring to the Time after Time Video. I feel the need to footnote that.
Esteban: Please see the YouTube segment.
W: That's sweet though.
P: I put this song on a mix CD for my sister.
W: Aww.
Esteban: It's nice that it's to his grandmother. It still makes me want to vomit my own asshole up.
W: That was really, really.. tactile.

(Chris Richardson)
P: Wait, who the hell is this guy?
W: He looks like K. Fed.
P: I think this is the guy we called K. Fed. last week. Little does he know that dedicating it to grandma is a bad move at this point.
("Geek in the Pink")
P: What is this song? "Geek in the pink"?
W: Really? What? And you dedicated this to your grandmother?
Esteban: At least it isn't "pink in the geriatric."
W: I don't even understand your joke.
P: I do. And I think this guy has to worry.
W: I don't understand his logic for this. For dedicating this to his grandmother.
Esteban: I think he did a pretty good job. I mean the song blows goats, but…
P: I guess you have a point, it just did nothing for me.

(Sundance Head)
P: He named his son Levi?
Esteban: This guy is named Sundance Head?
W: He's creepy, I don't like him.
Esteban: I wear this silly beard all the time, and I look a lot like him.
("Mustang Sally")
P: Okay, love this song!
W: And he's singing M.S. for his newborn? Really??
P: It seems a little counterintuitive…
W: So he's saying the newborn is Mustang Sally?
P: Or he should ride Mustang Sally as oon as he comes of age.
W: Instead of "wiping your weeping eyes" he's… "wiping your pee-pee behind."
P: That's genius.
W: Was that sarcastic?
P: Not at all.
W: I'm not feeling it, dog. I guess I find him creepy. (to Esteban) Because he looks like you, I guess.
Esteban: Yeah. Thanks.