Tuesday, March 27, 2007

Hey Baby Hey Baby Hey

P: So, Ryan Seacrest is making a frog mouth.
W: I've got not so much a frog mouth, more of a guppy face.
P: I am very enthusiastic about Gwen Stefani night!
W: I am fascinated by Gwen Stefani and I love her abs. I hope we see her abs.
P: It kind of lends this entire enterprise credibility that I find… interesting.
W: That Gwen Stefani is here in the top ten, she's not saved for the finale, like Prince? I know. Who can top Gwen frickin' Stefani?
P: Prince?
W: I don't know. It's right up there. And they're doing a Cure song oh my fucking hell this is the best show ever. One fricking guess who's singing that.
P: I have no… oh.. Gina?
W: Gina. I will bet money.
P: This reminds me of college. No Doubt were edgy and underground when I was in college.
W: They showed her abs!
P: Wow, she looks really cute. And kind of grown up.
W: She is gorgeous. I love her.
P: I read an interview with her in EW and she came off like a real asshole.
W: She comes off good in the most recent BUST.

(LaKisha, "Last Dance")
P: What is this song? I know this song! It goes fast.
W: A Donna Summer song. But look at her incredible dress! I think that might be a Lane Bryant dress.
P: And the boots! She's carrying the boots torch.
W: "I'm glad that Stephanie bitch is gone so I can wear some boots." She's rocking this little outfit, it's adorable! And her hair's cute.
P: She looks totally young—she took Simon's advice to heart.
W: The dress is slit up the side. A little LaKisha thigh happening. I could never wear a dress like that. Too much ass. She's got some streaks in her hair. Love LaKisha.
P: Yeah, she's awesome. And she's got some… boobies.
W: Yeah she does.
P: Paula didn't gush. That was weird. And Simon loves the boots.
W: Simon actually sounded a little pervy there.
P: I think he regrets his fat-bashing and this entire season is about backpedaling, and complimenting LaKisha.
W: I agree. She's the token fat girl that's acceptable. Also, she's a very small fat girl. I think Mandisa might be bigger than her if you put them side by side.
P: She's shorter than Ryan Seacrest, so she's obviously very petite.
W: She's on heels, and still at least a head shorter than him. Good point.

(commercials)

(Chris, "Every Little Thing He Does Is Magic")
P: Chris Sligh suddenly looks weird and old.
W: He looks like he doesn't feel very well tonight.
P: Come on, Chris Sligh, you're on the bubble! Look alive!
W: I think he's gonna throw up.
P: Yeah, he looks kind of pasty.
W: He's got a cold sweat happening.
P: Check out Gwen and her constructive criticism. AND HER FABULOUS HEELS.
W: They are awesome heels. I love this song. I love all Police songs, pretty much. Except that doo doo doo song.
P: I will faithfully record that. Even though I don't know what it means.
W: He didn't say "love her from the start" he said "love her from the staaaa…" That annoys me. It's a singing trick so you don't have a glottal stop, I think. But it was really pronounced.
P: He doesn't sound that good. He could be in trouble.
W: See, he does not look good.
P: Hee! Randy just said "your package."
W: Yes he did.
P: And Chris is going really early in the night, too. He's screwed. I think Simon's trying to save him with the insults.
W: Maybe.
P: Are they really allowed to play Simon Cowell off?
W: What was that about pushing the buttons? That was a strange exchange.
P: Hee. Ryan said "really, really hard."

(Gina, "I'll Stand By You")
P: Of course, Gina loves Gwen Stefani. And this isn't the Cure.
W: Oh god, please don't let it be Sanjaya massacring the Cure. I will weep openly.
P: Tears of blood.
W: The Chrissie Hynde song—perfect.
P: She sounds great on this.
W: She actually sounds better than Chris Sligh.
P: I love her corsety top thing.
W: She's really cute.
P: She's got a couple slightly off notes, but overall I think she sounds great. She's got the emotion in her voice.
W: She kinda reminds me of Bonnie Tyler.
P: Yeah…
W: Like in "Hero" when she's singing all over the place. And making crazy flat notes and sharp notes all over the place, but it works. I like Gina. And those boots are awesome.
P: I find the crosses too much.
W: You own a pair of Harley Davidson motorcycle boots.
P: Well I'm a hypocrite. Paula is being very… subdued.
W: Sober?
P: And she's wearing crepe. Maybe her hamster died.

(commercials)

W: I have a sign that looks like… Snort Pugs Love Jordi.
P: It looks like Snork Rings…
W: Someone clearly loves Haley. I can see that without even questioning it.
P: I think it's Spark Plugs.

(Sanyaja, "Bathwater")
W: Oh god, Gwen Stefani is having to tell him how to sing the song.
P: And she just basically said he sucks. We knew that, Gwen.
W: I do kinda like his hair, I'm sorry.
P: No, it is an abortion. Jordin Sparks, come out with your sign.
W: Oh I get the sign now! Spark Plugs. This isn't even recognizable as a No Doubt song. And also his Mohawk is falling down.
P: He's just embarrassing. He's embarrassing himself and America in equal parts. Kind of like George Bush.
W: You can kinda see the pattern in which he's going bald.
P: He's so bad. He's not going anywhere. And that is a travesty. That didn't even sound like No Doubt.
W: Is his fauxjawk kind of crooked?
P: It's floppy. It's flaccid.
W: It's wrong.
P: I think that we've just encapsulated Sanjaya: floppy, flaccid, and wrong.
W: Hee.
P: The rumor is that Indian call centers are keeping him in. I don't know if it's true but there was Hawaii and Jasmine Trias.
W: Is he even from India? I thought he was born in America.
P: He's the closest they're gonna get, I think. Indian-American.

(Haley, "True Colors")
W: Did you see the look Gwen was giving to the piano player? Like "do you see this shit?"
P: Haley's going for her strategy of distraction.
W: "Hi America. I remind you of Katharine McPhee."
P: I actually love this song. And she sounds okay singing it.
W: And she's got hella legs. They're hella good. See what I did there?
P: Hee. Nice note. Chris Sligh is officially the weakest link.
W: She's got incredible legs, I have to say. And the dress has some weird things happening in the backal region.
P: Oh my god, Wisconsin loves Haley!
W: No, Wisconsin does not! Wisconsin objects.
P: Duly noted.
W: I agree with Paula, she didn't show any vulnerability.
P: Who is that heckler in the crowd?
W: Maybe she's from Wisconsin. Haley didn't do the five symbol and hold up her fingers. She just won me over by not doing the five symbol.

(commercials)

(Phil, "Every Breath You Take ")
W: Phil Stacey is wearing a pancake on his head, I think.
P: I like the pancake. He looks kind of… hot in it. Maybe it's the wine talking.
W: It's the wine. It's some kind of knitted pancake. It's crocheted.
P: I suddenly feel extremely warmly towards Chris, and I'm not sure why.
W: "Towards Chris"? Freudian?
P: Oh! Maybe that's why.
W: I want Gwen to tell somebody that they need to yodel. Holy shit, this is good.
P: It's a perfect song for him, because it's about a creepy stalker.
W: He can funnel all his intensity into which is the best route for following you in his van.
P: But seriously, suddenly I love him.
W: Suddenly he's not creepy. Suddenly he has a strong jawline and a powerful profile. And I kind of caught myself checking out his package.
P: I know!
W: He got the Gwen stamp of approval. What can I do, Phil Stacey? I am feeling conned by his hats.
P: It's the pancake.
W: That was actually really good. I love how Randy has to qualify his praise with surprise.
P: I love how Paula came up with the word "chorus." I'm impressed. What is wrong with her? She's coherent!
W: We are right on line with what Simon is saying tonight. And Phil Stacey just did a douchey face and deflated all my interest.

(Melinda, "Heaven Knows")
W: It's a good discoey song.
P: I like the disco ball screen in the back. I'm not sure about the print on the dress. I don't like the belt.
W: Really? You don't like the belt over the shirt?
P: I know. Shocking.
W: And in this case I'm pro these leggings, which I don't think look good on many people.
P: I think this might be the first time since 1986 that I've liked leggings.
W: I think the cut is disguising the fact that she doesn't have a neck. She's so cute! Look at her cute face.
P: I don't think you can disguise the lack of neck.
W: Wasn't that the other -ina in the audience? Sabrina?
P: Maybe. Melinda looks so overwhelmed all the time. At what point does that get tiring?

(commercials)

(Blake, "Love Song")
W: Oh god, I forgot about Mike Boogie. Mike fucking Boogie is going to kill the Cure.
P: Gwen hates the beatboxing.
W: He's going to BEATBOX duing LOVE SONG? I HATE HIM. I wish Chris Richardson would have done this.
P: I kind of wish Sanyaja would have done this.
W: I kind of don't know which is worse.
P: He's gonna be in the top fucking two.
W: Please no. I can't deal with another ten weeks of beatboxing.
P: That is my unfortunate prediction.
W: I wish he would have come out with a whole bunch of eyeliner. Then I maybe would have tolerated the beatboxing. Maybe dressed as Brandon Lee in The Crow.
P: Ugh. He is like a Harry Potter douche in that sweater.
W: Hee. He didn't beatbox though, did he?
P: Thank god. Wait, he's Draco Malfoy.
W: Totally.
P: Yeah, he is the front running guy..
W: That's not hard.
P: That's what she said.

(Jordin, "Hey Baby")
P: What the hell. Lasers? Great song.
W: I'm not sure I'm liking the skirt though.,
P: The Dorothy Gale look.
W: I love her Hello Kitty necklace.
P: She's not exactly pulling off the Gwen Stefani vibe.
W: It's too much like a pep rally.
P: Exactly! But, again, I love her boots.
W: I think my niece has sung this song better. Which I don't say that often
P: I don't think it's her voice. It's her vibe.
W: Yeah, it's the way she's singing it. It's not right.
P: Okay, we are disagreeing with Randy. And Paula. Come on, Simon, don't let us down.
W: He really didn't say anything.
P: Oh well.

(Chris R., "Don't Speak")
P: Wait, if Chris is doing this song, what the fuck was Ryan talking about having to pay for it?
W: I have no idea.
P: I love how Gwen loves her own song.
W: Well she's gonna sing tomorrow. I've actually sung this at karaoke and stunk up the joint.
P: I find that hard to believe. He was K. Fed, right?
W: This is K. Fed, yes.
P: I just got the K. Fed vibe all over again.
W: If he had a hat on, that would help. Or if he were fucking around on Britney.
P: I'm surprised he's still in the competition, because I kind of forget about him.
W: But now he's in the pimp spot, so I Don't know.
P: I do. Chris Sligh is going home.
W: You think?
P: Either Chris or Haley.
W: I don't know, I thought Jordin was kinda iffy.
P: That would fit my demographic theory.
W: I don't know what to say to that.
P: Chris just goes in one ear and out the other for me.
W: He's like Team Who.

(recap)

P: My heart tells me Chris is toast.
W: They picked a really bad snippet, too.
P: If not Chris, I'm gonna go Haley. And Jordin third. And we're stuck with Sanjaya forever.
W: I want to smack him.
P: I actually love Haley's dress. Did I mentionthat?
W: I like it, but I don't think many women could wear it.
P: There's sexy Phil Stacey.
W: Who ever thought that phrase would come out of your mouth?
P: Inexplicably sexy Phil Stacey.
W: Melinda has no fear tonight.
P: And no neck.
W: And still no neck. And Draco is fine. I don't want to call him Draco because I kind of think Lucius Malfoy is hot. I don't want him to be hot by relation.
P: Draco is still a twit.
W: But his dad is hot. And here's Chris trying desperately to get onto the radar.
P: Oh cue ball. You're safe.
W: Phil is like "give me back my pancake! It's the secret to my sex appeal!"

Weetapidol out.

9 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

PLEASE...SOMEONE CUT SANJAYA'S HAIR!!! I can't believe he had the balls to get up there, and then thought he was doing good!

7:37 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

You know, aside from the fact that he looked like a deranged cockatoo, I thought Sanjaya sounded much better than he has in his last few performances.

9:49 PM  
Blogger Eden said...

It begins and ends with The Hair. I'm eager to hear the nickname it shall be given.

10:02 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I don't really think he's taking it seriously anymore. When he came up there with his hair like that, it all became a big fat joke to him. He knows he's there because of crying little 13 year olds and not for any real talent. It's only a matter of time. ( I hope )


There were a lot of really awesome songs last night!

S

7:16 AM  
Blogger mo pie said...

We definitely didn't say anything funnier than "deranged cockatoo," that's for sure.

10:40 AM  
Blogger amandapage said...

Phil Stacey's hat was a hair hat, it looked like hair. He needs hair to not look quite so intense and creepy.

Sanjaya's hair cut this week, it's like a Roman lavatory brush really.

1:34 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

Sanjaya was pitiful. I agree that he thinks it's a joke now. I thought Gina was the best peformance last night! And I really like Blake. I just do. I thought of you, Weet, when I heard they were doing a Cure song!

2:14 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

America sucks. Why is Sanjaya still here????

6:39 PM  
Blogger Jane said...

"Wisonsin Love Haley" was my boss and his kids. No kidding.

10:00 AM  

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