Thursday, March 01, 2007

And We're Still Talking About BJs: Top 10 Guys

We're back together in Green Bay, at Casa de Bix, with Esteban wandering in midway through the liveblog to make inappropriate comments. Just like old times, my friends. Here's part one.

P: Okay Mike Boogie with the baseball cap. And some Kevin Federline guy in a fedora—who's that?
(We rewind)
W: Oh my god that's Sanjaya! Looking skeevy! He'd better be doing Billie Jean.

P: You can tell Ryan really enjoys saying A… MERICANidol. He even does it on his top 40 radio show.
W: My theory is that they have patterned the male guy in the glass elevator after Simon Cowell. Because he kind of has the same body shape and everything.
P: They have the same neck.
W: Yeah, everything's the same.

P They're talking about Jennifer Hudson and her Oscar. That is pretty amazing, actually, that an Idol contestant won an Oscar. "A person we discovered! That you vote for, America!"…except…
W: Yeah, except she didn't win.

(Phil Stacey)
W: I'm going back in the creepy camp with Phil Stacey. He's got another pimp spot. He was last last time and first this time.
P: And now he's mentioning September 11. He's the Rudy Giuliani of this competition. And it is totally "AMERICA, YOU WILL HAVE A BALD IDOL." You called it.
("I Aint Missing You")
W: He's doing Sting?
P: I guess.
W: Fucking hell. No—no, that's Cory Hart. No, John Waite. I'm a little drunk.
P: All I know is, it's from Pretty Woman.
W: I actually love this song.
P: Are you back to liking him?
W: I said I liked the song, not Phil Stacey. I guess with my bald Idols, I'd prefer that their eyebrows are not that prominent.
Esteban: He holds the microphone like it's a penis.
Weetabix (sings along drunkenly)
P: I can't hear Phil Stacey.
W: I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I AM YOUR AMERICAN IDOL.
P: I'm sure it was fine. He still looks like a serial killer.
W: Is Paula wearing more hair this time?
P: Yeah, it got a lot hairer. "Hairer"?
W: Phil shouldn't wear white on TV. It's not a good look for him. He looks kind of like a tool. This is my problem with Phil.
P: That's what I said last week!
W: Well, now that I've seen him gesticulate…

(Jared Cotter)
Esteban: Why is there a tire on the table?
W: I don't know. It's this sort of Satanic Bridgestone, Firestone, thing.
Esteban: I see.
W: "Don't be so crappy"? I wish Taylor would have followed that advice.
P: He could follow it now.
W: You think they title this segment of the show "Ryan Raps With The Contestants?"
Esteban: I think they should title it "We Should Fast Forward Through This."
W: Oh god, Mr. Cotter is up.
P: This is Cap'n Date Rape's wing man, right?
W: Yeah.
("Let’s Get It On")
P: This is the perfect "you'd do it if you really loved me" song.
W: "I want to touch my cock to your esophagus, baby."
Esteban: And that's different from any man how?
W: You don't do that.
Esteban: It doesn't mean I'm not thinkin' it.
W: "I won't push you baby" that's what he just said. LIAR.
P: What the hell was that… petting his face?
Esteban: Was that the gesture of him running come down your face?
W: Facial!
Paula: You don't have to push…
P: …on the back of my head!
W: They are totally reading Weetapido!
Ryan: Oh, the things we did to this song.
W: Stop pretending, Ryan. The things he did, he did to Erasure.

(A.J. Tabaldo)
W: He's got a very very good voice, but he's a little too… I don't know.
P: He's a little too…
W: Exactly, you can't really put your finger on it.
("Feeling Good")
W: Have we ever had a gay Idol?
P: Well, a gay runner up.
W: We haven't had a gay Hispanic Idol.
P: It's not even that he's gay—he doesn't even seem gay. I went to high school with a bunch of guys like this.
W: Are they straight now?
P: It's not even about that, they've just got—modified Hondas or something.
Esteban: It's like a Christian cable access program. Are They Straight Now?

(Sanjaya Malakar)
W: We've got Sanjaya montage.
P: We're gonna have to hear about his sister again.
Esteban: This is a man?
("Steppin’ Out With My Baby")
W: He's not doing Michael Jackson. I'm not feeling good things about this performance.
Esteban: I do like the bass line, though.
P: This is actually the most I've ever liked him. I think the fedora works. Maybe I just love this song.
W: I think he shot himself in the foot here.
Esteban: Flat performance. Uninteresting.
P: Yeah… his voice is not up to it. It really seems karaokeish. And that note was not great. There's Randy's "ha ha ha, you suck."
W: Oh no, the "old soul" from Paula.
P: "Soul.. pony.. magic.. unicorn"
W: "Pretty… button…. red shirt"
P: I agree with Simon that the whispering happened.
W: Yes. Yes. It did happen.
P: And now he's gonna make me sad about his dead Grandpa.
Esteban: Just fast forward through all this Ryan Seacrest crap.
P: That's the whole show.

(Chris Sligh)
W: What, Chris Sligh is married? To that hottie?
Esteban: She's a porn star hottie.
P: Well, they're crazy Christians.
W: So the crazy Christians can get the hotties? (to Esteban) Honey, it's kind of like our marriage! You got married to the hottie and nobody understands it. "Her? How did he get her?"
P: You're gonna regret this when you read it tomorrow, drunky.
("Trouble")
W: Look, words in the clouds again! Swear to god!
P: This is awesome.
W: I don't know if I can go two season in a row rooting for someone named Chris and getting my heart broken.
Esteban: But he's a Jesus freak, you said.
P: The other Chris was just a douchebag.
Esteban: Why?
W: Because… he wore sunglasses.
P: I can see why the hottie would be into him.
W: Women like guys who can make them laugh.
P: And he can sing.
W: Maybe they like each other for their…
Esteban: …Jesus.
W: Maybe he's sporting an 11-inch cock.
Esteban: Maybe he's sporting an 11-inch figurine of Jesus.

(Nick Pedro)
(Esteban and Weetabix debate the nickname of "Cap'n Date Rape" for some time)
("Fever")
P: I love this song!
W: Yeah, this is great.
P: Even though he's totally date-rapey.
Esteban: (to the tune of Fever) "GHB!"
(All laugh)
W: I don't think there's any way you can type enough words to translate that.
P: It's true, you had to be there.
Esteban: They keep cutting over to the drummer. Is it because he's more entertaining than this fuckstick?
P: Yes.
Esteban Maybe he blows up at the end of the song.
Pie: HAHAHAHAHAHA!
W: Okay, THAT is funny.

(Blake Lewis)
P: Oh god please erase… eliminate.. Mike Boogie.
W: No, he's got a good voice, he's just annoying.
P: Maybe you can just eliminate his annoyingness.
W: In an alternate reality, we would be like "ooh, Mike Boogie!"
P: In Opposite Land.
W: Where we'd be getting drunk on fruit punch.
("Virtual Insanity")
P: And I love this song. This is the painful part.
W: He's been doing very well on the songs he picks. The hat is ridiculous.
P: I hate him so much, I'm sorry. I want to set that hat on fire.
W: I love this song though.
Esteban: He's like Lance Bass. Or maybe Marky Mark without the muscles.
W: Ohmygodohmygod, NO! He's beatboxing!
P: Last week they told him to.
W: Seething hatred.
Esteban: You could call that scat.
P: Sure. He would be fine if he weren't a giant douche.

(Brandon Rogers)
P: I like Brandon.
("Time After Time")
P: This is a Karaoke Revolution song.
W: Oh it is! You're losing the crowd, Brandon. The crowd meter is going down.
P: I think it's pretty good. Not great.
W: Yeah, not feeling it.
P: He's too smiley.
W: You have to look poignant and angstful for this one. And maybe leave your boyfriend sleeping in the trailer. By which I am referring to the Time after Time Video. I feel the need to footnote that.
Esteban: Please see the YouTube segment.
W: That's sweet though.
P: I put this song on a mix CD for my sister.
W: Aww.
Esteban: It's nice that it's to his grandmother. It still makes me want to vomit my own asshole up.
W: That was really, really.. tactile.

(Chris Richardson)
P: Wait, who the hell is this guy?
W: He looks like K. Fed.
P: I think this is the guy we called K. Fed. last week. Little does he know that dedicating it to grandma is a bad move at this point.
("Geek in the Pink")
P: What is this song? "Geek in the pink"?
W: Really? What? And you dedicated this to your grandmother?
Esteban: At least it isn't "pink in the geriatric."
W: I don't even understand your joke.
P: I do. And I think this guy has to worry.
W: I don't understand his logic for this. For dedicating this to his grandmother.
Esteban: I think he did a pretty good job. I mean the song blows goats, but…
P: I guess you have a point, it just did nothing for me.

(Sundance Head)
P: He named his son Levi?
Esteban: This guy is named Sundance Head?
W: He's creepy, I don't like him.
Esteban: I wear this silly beard all the time, and I look a lot like him.
("Mustang Sally")
P: Okay, love this song!
W: And he's singing M.S. for his newborn? Really??
P: It seems a little counterintuitive…
W: So he's saying the newborn is Mustang Sally?
P: Or he should ride Mustang Sally as oon as he comes of age.
W: Instead of "wiping your weeping eyes" he's… "wiping your pee-pee behind."
P: That's genius.
W: Was that sarcastic?
P: Not at all.
W: I'm not feeling it, dog. I guess I find him creepy. (to Esteban) Because he looks like you, I guess.
Esteban: Yeah. Thanks.


[TO BE CONTINUED]

3 Comments:

Blogger Martha said...

I'm loving "Mike Boogie" and "K-Fed" and I'm predicting they'll make it to the top 10. They're very hip and now and I think they appeal to the younger generation. I also love Chris Sligh. I'm just sayin'.

1:54 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Re: "We haven't had a gay Hispanic on Idol"

Correction.

RJ Helton from Season 1 was a gay Hispanic.

S

3:48 PM  
Blogger VioletYoshi said...

Hahaha, I've just read halfway through this, and I can't stop laughing. Hilarious!

10:53 PM  

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