Saturday, March 24, 2007

If we were British, we'd make an Elevensies joke.

P: There's Ryan Seacrest, and he's dressed like Wink Martindale.
W: I would think Bob Eubanks.
P: Good call.
W: He was fond of the gray suit and the giant tie.
P: "That would be 'in the butt,' Ryan."

(opening credits)

P: Wait, did Ryan Seacrest just do a magic trick?
W: I would not say that's a good color for him.
P: Those colors really are Newlywed Game, seriously.
W: Did you see LaKisha was wearing an Igigi dress last week?
P: Yeah, my friend Kaylin actually texted me.
W: Is that McBeaver? Is McBeaver back in the competition?
P: Who are you looking at?
W: Kaylin or Taylor or… Celine Dion.
P: Hayley?
W: Yes, I knew it was some soap opera name. Which wine are you drinking?
P: Sauvignon Blanc.
W: Oh, very nace. I am drinking chilled Cabernet mmmfg
P: Cabernet Bluub bluub?
W: Yes. Cabernet Bluub bluub.
P: I just missed whatever that exchange was with the judges.
W: I missed it too.
P: I'm so excited about this theme.
W: Me too. And now we have a montage of the original American Idols. You know, Paul McCartney did not age well.
P: I look at him now and I just see the old man he became.
W: He's melting, it's like House of Wax. But I had a big thing about young Paul McCartney when I was twelve. Even though he was already in the mullet stage. I was all about 1964 Paul McCartney. I was bitter about Yoko.
P: I missed that whole Beatles thing and skipped straight to New Kids on the Block.

W: I've seen Peter Noone in concert.
P: Peter Noone! I've seen him too!
W: Wait, I thought you missed the whole 60s thing. When did you see him?
P: I went to a music festival with my gay ex-boyfriend David and it was Herman's Hermits, The Turtles, and Three Dog Night. We didn't know who any of them were. But our song was "Happy Together."
W: That's how I've seen Creed Bratton in concert. The Grassroots and Herman's Hermits both opened up for the Monkees.

(Hayley, "Tell Him")
P: She really does look like Katherine McPhee. Just for a second there.
W: If she pulls off a Katherine McPhee vibe, she's going to throw off my pool picks. I have her rated very low.
P: Who is this woman?
W: Lulu? To Sir With Love?
P: Yeah I have no idea.
W: You don't have a co-worker who's 600 years old who listens to oldies all day long.
P: She certainly thinks she's got a shot.
W: Her breasts are very fancy.
P: Hahahaha…
W: Really, look at those nipples go! Katherine McPhee coasted on the merit of her cleavage. Now these hot pants and the braless thing? Totally fucking up my pool picks.
P: It's the "at least I'm not fat" outfit.
W: "I'd like to see LaKisha pull this shit off." And Simon is watching her breasts.
P: He's not even being coy about it.
W: He's openly wiping the drool off his old man chin. Her naked breasts in satin. How can you not?
P: And she's got that backless naked thing going on too. There's no way she's going home. I have no idea how that song was. She hypnotized me with her nipples and it totally worked.
W: "By the way, your nipples were fantastic, dawg."
Paula: You've got this girlish quality.
W: The girlish quality is that she doesn't need a bra.
P: Simon's even admitting being a perv. He sees right through her… in more ways than one. And here's Ryan pretending to be straight again.
W: Really that is the worst tie combination ever.
P: I find it really hard to believe that could be anything other than a garage sale tie.
W: He's even got the really wide collar. It's so tongue in cheek. He's going to offer her a Manarita Range (Weet's post-blog note: I said "Amana Radar Range" but Pie gave it a much more fancy name.) and a year's supply of Rice-A-Roni.


(Chris R., "Don't Let The Sun Catch You Crying")
W: Why don't you sing a song somebody's heard of, Chris Richardson?
P: I think that might be a problem this week. He's not that memorable.
W: No.
P: I love Peter Noone's mullet. I will always love him for "Silhouettes." and "No Milk Today."
W: He's the first guest to say "he sucks."
P: He does have a pretty good voice. But he also has that fuzzy cue ball head that's so distressing.
W: He'd be better with hair. With one of those… things that boys have these days. I love how they're trying to make this not boring. "Show the guitar player's hands! Here's a bunch of spotlights!"
P: "Chris, stand up!"
W: "Do something!" He doesn't have a bad voice, but… at least Sanjaya I remember.
P: He's no Daughtry.
W: Maybe he needs a wallet chain. Or go all the way with the cue ball.
P: That last note, I did not enjoy.
W: No.
P: That audience is just hysterical. I would love to be in it one day.
W: You should make that happen.
P: I bet I'd catch the fever, it'd be like a spiritual. I'd be wildly orgasming over Sanjaya.
W: Wouldn't it be cool if we got invited to the finale?
P: Let's manifest that.
W: I will work on that. Let's manifest first class plane tickets too, for both of us.
P: Now I like Chris R's outfit.
W: I am not so much feeling the Mr. Rogers cardigan.
P: I feel like it shouldn't work, but for me it does. I'm a sucker for blue. Just not Ryan Seacrest shade of blue.
W: He looks like a televangelist.


(Stephanie, "You Don't Have To Say You Love Me")
P: Oh, great boots! I always love what she wears.
W: The necklace is a little too long, though. That is my judgment.
P: I can see that… I just like the boots. And this is a great song. And there's this crazy ass orchestra.
W: And someone finally put a bra on the backup singers.
P: I look at her and I see an almost ran. I mean an also ran. I've had wine.
W: Yeah. She's up against too much this season.
P: Demographics are against her.
W: The boots are great. The dress is not.
P: It's the bottom part of the dress that is the problem.
W: It's unfortunate, because the color is really good for her.
P: She should be on this show next season.
W: When presumably there will be less talent?
P: Yes. Or last season.
W: When she could have knocked Taylor Hicks right the fuck out of there.
P: Paula's kind of inarticulately slurring again.
W: Is it "rhythamical"?
P: Oh my god, the Coca Cola cups have gone crazy.
W: You didn't notice that? It's like they're filled with lava now.


W: By the way, Ryan's outfit totally matches the stage. Maybe this is an homage to Ed Sullivan.
P: He's holding up a cell phone and making a douchey face.

(Blake, "The Season")
P: Oh god, Blake. And he's fucking beatboxing. And singing a song I love. Did Peter Noone just tell him to stop beatboxing because I love Peter Noone extra!
W: Yes. What kind of crazy world is this, when Peter Noone is the voice of reason?
P: A just world.
W: Who knew? Peter Noone for president!
P: And he's still beatboxing.
W: He's going to break into the robot at some point.
P: And he sounds fucking great. I'm really pissed. Because… I hate him.
W: If he wins…
P: …it will still be less egregious than Taylor.
W: I don't know.
P: I even like his stupid plaid fucking pants.
W: I don't like them with the white sneakers.
P: There's his robot.
W: Told you.
P: Yeah this is very original, blah blah blah. I guess it's not his fault that he's a giant penis.
W: Well they told him to do the beatboxing, and now he's putting it everywhere. It's the "more cowbell" of Blake.
P: Hee. I agree with Randy that it was a good performance. That's why I'm annoyed.
W: I know.
(Ryan and Blake dance.)
P: Oh my god.
W: No, no. Oh Jesus. He shouldn't dance in that suit. I think I'm going to write a haiku this week to Ryan's suit.


(LaKisha, "Diamonds Are Forever")
P: People are not picking her to win in the pool, and I feel that's a mistake.
W: Who are they picking?
P: Melinda.
W: Bullshit! Shirley Bassey's awesome.
P: This woman is a little crazy. And she's not as good as LaKisha.
W: She picked this one.
P: Loooove this dress.
W: You actually need this dress right here.
P: And her hair looks so pretty!
W: I love her hair like this. Have you ever heard the Shirley Bassey version of this? She's doing a very comparable job.
Ian: She's good.
P: I know! She's my pick to win! (to Weet) this is the first thing Ian has roused himself to say, that she's good.
W: There it is. Ian has spoken.
P: Yeah, I just love her voice.
W: It's very classic. And it's a great dress. I'll find out where that's from.
P: And what colors it comes in.
W: If can find something comparable in a light blue, that would be perfect for you. Even the black would be beautiful.
P: (applauds)
W: That was grrrreat. Love LaKisha.
P: I keep thinking she's gonna peak, and she hasn't yet.
W: I know.
P: Randy didn't like it?
Ian: WHAT?
P: (to W) Ian is indignant.
W: I would like to hear Peter Noone's opinion on LaKisha.
P: Simon didn't like the hair and the dress?
W: The dress is awesome.
P: I think Simon wanted more nipples.
W: Yes. When you're carting around girls like that, you can't go around braless like Hayley Ashley or whatever.
P: Yay LaKisha! I'm giving her the official Weetapidol endorsement.
W: I'll co-sign that. Now if it were between LaKisha and Mandisa?
P: Mandisa hates the gays. I'll go with LaKisha.
W: Yeah.
P: And I actually think I like her voice better.
W: Really? I'd have to see them in a cage match.

(Phil, "Tobacco Road")
W: Oh who cares.
P: I forgot about Phil.
W: Really? This is the most fun 60s song you could think of?
P: Someone needs to sing some Herman's Hermits!
W: You would think.
P: "No Milk Today"! That would be fun!
W: "I'm Henry VIII I Am!" That's what I want to hear, novelty songs. Or the Archies, Sugar Sugar. I'm sorry, Phil Stacey, you suck.
P: Oh he's waving the microphone stand!
W: He's trying to emulate Mr. Wallet Chain, and it is not going to happen.
P: Maybe that's why he shaved his head.
W: Is that Goulash howling in the background?
P: Goulash is eating a stuffed baby raccoon.
W: Poor baby raccoon.
P: I think it's a commentary on Phil's performance.
W: I was going to say, What's Phil's excuse?
P: That doesn't even make sense.
W: Well Goulash is howling, and eating a baby raccoon, and… apparently I need to footnote my jokes. Drink some more wine.
P: Phil is basically the poor man's Chris Daughtry.
W: He's Mock Daughtry.
P: He's Mock…try?
W: I'm glad we're not actually judges on American Idol. We'd have to come up with constructive criticism at this time. And mine would be "try not to suck, you skeeve me out! And also your shirt is icky."
P: God, I know.
W: I think everyone can look hot with the right clothes and hair and I can’t figure out whzt he's doing wrong. Why would anyone want a shirt that looks dirty?
P: He needs a hair. Maybe more than one.
W: Slap a muppet on top of that man.


(Jordin, "I Who Have Nothing")
P: Lulu is very enthusiastic and I enjoy that.
W: She's cute. Jordin kind of reminds me of Ugly Betty.
P: She looks like her, she totally reminds me of her.
W: And her personality, the way she kind of dorks out.
P: Except she's a crazy pro-life nut.
W: I thought we were putting that behind us?
P: Oh yeah right.
W: So who is this crazy pro-life nut?
P: I have no idea what you're talking about.
W: Perhaps she should not wear horizontal striping.
P: I love that dress.
W: I like the dress, but I don't like the stripes.
P: I love them. I covet that dress, horizontal stripes and all. But this seems like an "old song" to me.
W: I was just thinking this didn't sound like an old song.
P: We're disagreeing all over the place about Jordin!
W: You got peanut butter in my chocolate. I like the earrings.
P: I was just thinking I don't really like them!
P: I'm not trying to be contrary, I swear! It's just working out that way.
W: Drink more wine.


(Sanjaya, "You Really Got Me")

P: Simon does not agree with Peter Noone at all right now.
W: But he's right—it's not a singing competition, it's a voting competition. AKA Taylor fuycking Hicks.
P: And as if to remind us of Taylor Hicks, here's Sanjaha.
W: Apparently Sanjaya is going to assault us.
(Sanjaya sings)
Ian: No.
W: It's not good. It's not good. It's bad.
P: If he sings Herman's Hermits, I'll vote for him.
W: The vote is done. Mo. It's Thursday.
P: Shhh! Preserve the illusion.
Peter: He should go with You Really Got Me.
W: "And really don't hurt my song.. .fucker."
P: That jacket is so horrifying. I didn't think it was possible to out-horrify Ryan's outfit.
Ian: That little girl!
W: Why is she crying?? Why is she crying, little girl! Look what you've done to America, Sanjaya.
P: What's wrong with that little girl? She likes Sanjaya. Does she have some kind of disease?
W: Maybe she has epilepsy and the Chris lights gave her seizures. But she's ratings gold.
(Girl cries. We laugh.)
W: Oh, that was just an abortion.
P: Jordin Sparks needs to come out and…
W:. … protest him.
P: That girl is really distressing me.
W: Sanjaya's mom is wearing some kind of bedazzled shirt that says Momjaya. And I'm sorry, that crying kid is hilarious.
P: Oh, this is going to get him fucking votes.
W: Of course. And her older sister's like, "god, you fucking drama queen. I'm totally telling Mom."
P: I'm telling you, I will be turning into that little girl if I am at the finale.
W: I'll have to sit on the other side of the auditorium. And I'm not going to help you carry in all your signs, either.


(Gina, "Paint It Black")
P: "The blogs can get you down"? Oh, Gina. We should say something nice about her in case she reads this.
W: I like her hair.
P: I think this competition needs her.
W: I agree. To offset Hayley and her swinging, hypnotizing breasts.
P: She also picks great songs.
W: Yeah, this is a great song for her.
P: She has fantastic hair. But her voice isn't sounding great.
W: No. She's got a wallet chain. I'm interested.
P: I'm interested in the drummer. He's drumming intensely.
W: He kind of had O-face going on there.
P: Most musicians have O-face going on when they play.
W: You know what she should have done? Jefferson Airplane. "Go Ask Alice."
P: Yeah, that would have been awesome.
W: But I'm sure she couldn't have done an LSD song on the family show that is American Idol. Although Haley and her nipples are fine.
P: Now I'm just sad she didn't do "Go Ask Alice."
W: This isn't just about the 60s, this is about the British Invasion.
P: Ryan looks like a little wee man next to Gina.
W: It's not just looks. Ryan is a wee little man.
P: Hee.
W: Aw, she's sad. Don't cry. You've got a sports bra and wallet chain. You're invincible.
P: What?
W: I've had an entire bottle of wine now. I don't even know what I'm saying.


(Chris S., "She's Not There")
P: Peter Noone is so wise.
W: He's like the Dumbledore of American Idol.
P: Ha! Oh, Drunk Wendy.
W: Well, he is.
P: I love this song too.
W: He started in the audience.
P: Is that girl still crying?
W: I hope so. I enjoy the crying girl.
P: I would be crying right now. Because I love Chris Sligh.
W: Oh my god, that sign just said "bringing chubby back!" I came up with that! ME!
P: We can't use that now!
W: Because an American Idol sign used it?
P: Yes.
W: Fuck. I'm sorry. I'll come up with something better. And I'm sorry, I'm finding this performance lacking.
P: I like this performance.
W: Well this is the Jordin Sparks earrings of the night.
P: Wait. I thought Jordin's earrings were the Jordin Sparks earrings of the night?
W: Well… and there's the fucking sign again. Fucking hell. Chris has got some Weird Al hair going on here.
P: Paula sometimes looks kind of old and… glazed.
W: She does.
P: "Fro Patro"! That is funny!
W: That IS funny. What are you going to put on your American Idol sign for the finale?
P: I have to think about it.
W: How about "Big Fat Idol: We've Got Ham"?
P (theme song imitation): Rrrrrrrooo roooooo!
W: Cut it out, you're going to give me nightmares!


(Melinda, "As Long As He Needs Me")
Ian: AAAAAAH! Oh my god!!
P: It's okay!!!
W: What?
P: Ian's disturbed by her lack of neck.
W: Have you ever seen The Lost Crystal?
P: The Last Crystal?
W: No, the Lost Crystal. No, the Dark Crystal. Jim Henson's The Dark Crystal.
P: (laughter)
W: Have you or have you not?
P: Er, no.
W: She looks like a gelfling from the Dark Crystal. Just write it down. Our readers will know. Poor Melinda must confuse the hell out of the wardrobe people. "What can I do? What can I do about the shoulders?"
P: This outfit is old.
W: It's not doing her any favors. Her hair is cute though. It's much cuter this week. (Crying girl: uproarious laughter. P rewinds for Ian)
P: I would pick LaKisha over her a hundred times.
W: A million times, easily. LaKisha is so much better.
P: I think we're in the minority in that opinion. But at least we agree.
W: At least it's not the Jordin Sparks earring debacle.
P: That girl behind Randy is nodding and agreeing like she's a judge. They're not going to ask her back for the finale—maybe her seat will open up for us. Wow, Melinda's top is not good.
W: No. It's just not going her any favors. Her breasts are like, hanging diagonally... it's not good.
P: A better bra, or different fabric, or something…
W: Something. It's just not good.

(recap montage)
P: So who do you think goes?
W: I think I found out from a Google Alert. Was it Stephanie?
P: Yeah, it was Stephanie. But I pegged it.

Weetapidol out… and still pissed off about the "Bringing Chubby Back" thing.


Anonymous lisa-marie said...

I like Melinda. She always looks surprised when someone says something nice or complimentary about her. Too cute!

12:41 PM  

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