Wednesday, March 29, 2006

Top 10 Results

Best thing I read on the internet today: "[Paris] looks like what would happen if Fantastia and Diana DeGarmo produced a child." (tm Mike)

DialIdol's predictions are also hilarious today. They are tagging for possible elimination: Katharine, Ace, Bucky, Mandisa, Lisa, Elliott, and Paris. That's seven out of ten! It's going to be really funny when Chris gets eliminated instead or something.

Our Idol pool has four Buckys, three Elliotts, and a Lisa. And some residual Melissas. So we'll see what happens after tonight! Stay tuned.

P: "Who the hell is performing tonight?"
W: "Shakira. My girlfriend. One of the five girls I would switch teams fo-- is that Enrique Iglesias?"
P: "Oh, Ace looks pretty tonight. It's going to be sad if he's eliminated."
W: "Ace does look pretty. Bucky looks like he had an unfortunate vomiting-while-asleep incident."
[Pie sees Elliott, does indescribable bat impersonation.]

(Target Commercial)
P: "One of the models of this commercial is actually chunky."

(Cellular commercial)
P: "Catherine Zeta Jones has had so much Botox."
W: "Yeah, she's claiming she's my age and there are pictures of her when I was sixteen, and she has, like, a job."

(Ford Commercial)
P: "Ace looks pretty again."
W: "Who the heck is the cop? Chris throwing down the urban flava."
P: "Hee!"
W: "Is that Bucky with the guitar?"
P: "What is wrong with Taylor? Yes, that's Bucky. That commercial was weird."
W: "That's what we say every week."
P: "It's weird. Every week."

(And we're back)
W: "ShaKEEERAH!!!"
P: "Shakira is a man. All right, I can see where you're getting this team switching."
W: "Yeah."
P: "Yeah, she's a little too Mariah Carey meets Aladdin's Jasmine at the moment."
W: "But she's incredibly hot. Look at her pelvis! Look!"
P: "I'm just not a pelvis person. She kind of looks like Halle Berry in a weird way."
W: "You're drunk. She doesn't look... oh wait."
P: "No she does. "
W: "Yeah, I see it."
P: "Kellie Pickler just looks confused."
W: "Kellie Pickler's like 'What's a Shakira?'"
P: "This song fucking sucks. Like, she's distracting me with her pelvis, but the song totally sucks."
W: "It doesn't matter what's she's singing."
P: "Okay Paula. The cameraman knew that if he'd move over five feet, he'd get a very interesting shot of Paula bobbing her head (at Wyclef's crotch)."
W: "I can't blog with the quotes. I'll put them in later. It's too hard."
P: "I find this performance to be very random. And there's this random guy, just thrusting his crotch at Paula's face. It's very random."
W: "That's Wyclef Jean."
P: "Oh."

(Last night's montage)
P: "There's Katharine in her weird stable hand costume."
W: "Oh, bullshit, Taylor did not look like Clay Fucking Aiken."
P: (makes weird strangely liquid bat noise when she sees Elliott)
W: "Hee!"
P: "I blame you for that!"


Ryan: Bottom row...
P: "What are they all safe? Yeah, these are the safe people! Mandisa's safe! Phew! Oh, my Ace, I have a really bad feeling about Ace! "
Ryan: What have you done?
Ryan: After the break.
P: "Hmmm... the only person I'd be really sad about would be Katharine, although I'd be sad to lose Ace's prettiness."

P: "I feel like I'm hallucinating these commercials."
W: "It's the Wyclef crotch of commercials."
P: "Heh heh... THAT does not make sense. It's like your STD joke. I reread it today and it still doesn't make any sense."
W: "Shhhh... Shakira! Hips don't lie!"

Ryan: Elliott!
W: "Did he just make bat ears?"
P: "Do bats even have ears?"
Ryan: Safe!
P: "Sinking feeling about Ace!"
Ryan: Lisa, you are in the bottom three again.
W: "Of course."
P: "Lisa's top is fricking fabulous though. I like the craziness of it."
Ryan: Ace, you are back in the bottom three this week.
W: "Did he just pout?"
P: "I think so. I will suck on his bottom lip of poutiness."
Ryan: "Katharine, you are in the bottom three. Bucky, you are safe!"
W/P: (Collective gasp!)
Studio audience: Boo!
P: "She was the best performance!"
W: "What have you done, America?"
P: "You picked BUCKY over Katharine?! Wow. Wow. The two prettiest people in the competition just got put in the bottom three. Although Lisa is pretty too."


P: "Look at Katharine. She's soooo pretty."
W: "I think you have a crush."
Ryan: The person coming back next week is Ace.
P: "My pretty! Katharine is going to get sent home! Oh my god!"
Simon: Katharine wasn't as good, watching it back.
W: "I love Simon's pouty lip that he makes when he's not sure."
P: "Poor Ryan's like 'Please note that Lisa does suck but Katharine doesn't.'"
W: "Katharine's pretty smarmy."
P: "Whatever God's plan is!"
(Lisa's going home)
P: "Whoa! They really faked me out. I totally thought it was Katharine."
W: "Hey, I got full points in the pool!"
P: "Yes you did!"
W: "And she gets to go on the tour."
P: "She's sweet. She's got a lot of grace."
Lisa: I've been working toward this since I was little.
W: "You ARE little."
P: "Aren't we supposed to have a sing out? It's already past 8:30."
W: "They won't. Because of Shakira."
Ryan: "Next week is country."
P: "Well, Kellie fucking Pickler's not going anywhere then. Man, they just cut to Kellie and I thought it was Carrie Underwood. Kellie's singing along! Your name is Kellie Pickler, not Kelly Clarkson!"

Pool Results:
The winner for the week is Weetabix with a perfect score of 13 points! Editrix has 12 points. Martha, Pie, Shmuel, and the parakeets have 11 points each. 10 points for Bailey, Celine, and Ana. Trance with 8 and Merr with 7 are trailing this week.

34 points: Ana, Martha, Bailey
33 points: Celine
32 points: Trance
31 points: Pie, Weet
30 points: Shmuel
27 points: Pie's parakeets
25 points: Editrix
19 points: Merr

Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Top 10 Perform

This liveblog is being sponsored by 2002 Ravenswood Old Vine Zinfandel. The rumored theme is "21st Century" so I guess we shall see... oh, and a shout out to our friends in Alabama, three of whom appear to be reading the site right now. Alabama! Holla!

W: "There's a bunch of Lisa signs now. And they're professionally amateur."
P: "I was right about the theme! Or, the spoilers were."
W: "If someone sings Nickelback, I'm going to projectile vomit."
P: "Constantine got eliminated on Nickelback last season."
W: "Awesome."

Lisa Tucker, "Because of You"
P: "A Kelly song? That's a bad fuckin' idea."
W: "Put head in guillotine. Pull string."
P: "She's good, but she's not Kelly. She's gonna lose."
W: "And you don't match your eyeshadow to your tank top. Doesn't she watch America's Next Top Model?"
P "Wait, what's she doing to her hair?
W: "She's gonna pull out her weave. That's another thing she should learn from America's Next Top Model. Don't touch the weave."
P: "I agree with Randy."
W: "From my mouth to Randy's ears! Which sounds kinda gross."
P: "The judges hate her."
W: "She's dead. When you're getting read the riot act by freakin' Paula?"
P: "Poor thing."
W: "Goodbye, Lisa. This has become like an STD argument."
P: "Wait, what?"
W: "'It's not painful! It wasn't painful!' 'But it burns when you urinate!'"
P: "I can't blog that because I don't understand it."

P: She didn't suck. I give her a 5.
W: She didn't suck, but it was a mistake. She should have done "A Moment Like This" or something, if she wanted to do a Kelly song. Not a song that's on the radio right now. I give her a 4.

Kellie, "Suds in the Bucket"
W: "Wow, she's singing country?"
P: "Oh, Kellie."
W: "One of these days she's going to come out in Daisy Dukes and be chewing on a piece of straw. Because America doesn't quite understand."
P: "Her face looks really weird. Is it just me?"
W: "She doesn't have a belly button. She's a pod person."
P: "This isn't really showing off her voice. I guess that note did. She's got a very country voice. Hey, the judges agree with me about the song choice."
W: "Somebody hid Paula's drugs! This is a very bitchy Paula tonight."
P: "Simon just called it a gimmicky rodeo song. I love Simon."
[Argument about whether the two women they keep cutting to are Debbie Gibson and Kristy Swanson, or lesbians, or both.]

P: 4, because it was really generic.
W: I give her a 3 because I hate her.

Ace, "Drops of Jupiter"
P: "I'm sorry, he's so cheesy. He's not doing it for me right now."
W: "Wait until he does the God hands. When he does the God hands you'll be all like 'Ace, let's snuggle!'"
P: "I hate his shirt."
W: "He really only sings with his eyebrows. Have you noticed this? It's like his eyebrows lunging at each other."
P: "Aw, Ace."
W: "And I can't wait to see if he has shit in his pocket."
P: "Hee."
W: "AND HE HAS SHIT IN HIS POCKET! WE HAVE SHIT IN THE POCKET. He's shaking tonight. Wow, he's really shaking."
P: "The judges are all grumpy tonight. Wow, Paula. She has never been this mean."
W: "Wow, she's really not on drugs."
P: "Aw, his scar. I want to kiss his scar."
W: "Wait, he's specifying that it's a real scar? Because there are makeup scars?"
P: "The shirt is still bothering me."
W: "At least he doesn't have his watch on over his sleeve, like he did that one night."

P: I have to sadly say he also gets a 4 from me.
W: Really? I give him a 5. He was better than Kellie and Lisa.

Taylor, "Trouble"
W: "Taylor is the poster boy for trying too hard."
P: "That kid spray painted his head."
W: "Oh my god, Taylor thought it was real! I think Taylor's drunk."
P: "Now HE'S got shit in his pocket."
W: "I'm sure it's the battery for his pacemaker."
P: "Ha!"
W: "Here's my problem with Taylor. Every time he gets ahold of this microphone, it reminds me of an office Christmas party where the middle manager, who always wears Dockers, gets up and sings, and everyone has to listen politely because he has the power to fire them."
P: "What's he doing with his legs?"
W: "They made him hold the microphone stand to control the claw, but it has to come out somehow."
P: "More hate from the judges."
W: "Look at the look of steel coming from Paula. She looks like she's Wonder Woman about to lasso him."
P: "Paula's happy he didn't do a stupid dance. Ha! 'You are an old soul.' That means 'You look like my granddad.'"

P: I'd say a 6.
W: I will see your 6. And that's it. I call.

Mandisa, "Wanna Praise You"
P: "Yay, Mandisa! She will save us."
W: "Yay, Mandisa!"
P: "Is this the Moby song?"
W: "I don't know... hey, she's got shit in her pocket, too!"
P: "It's shit-in-your-pocket night."
W: "Mandisa, you have betrayed me."
P: "The preaching was weird. 'Whatever your problems are, God is bigger.' Is she calling God fat?"
W: "I would have put her in a pointy shirt. Because I think she's rocking the jeans, but she should have had pointy."
P: "I am in 100% agreement with that statement. As a fat chick."
W: "This is clearly NOT the Moby version."

P: I give her a 7.
W: I give her an 8. I should really detract a point for shit in the pocket, but I have a feeling it's not their fault. Maybe as they're about to run onstage, someone is shoving shit in their pockets.

Chris, "What If?"
W: Chris's flavor saver is back, with weird S-shaped sideburns. And Ryan is calling him on the Live thing! 'Ryan, have you been in my room, looking at my altar to Live'?"
[Ryan and Weetabix suggest Celine Dion's Titanic song at the same time.]
W: "Oh no, not Creed."
Chris: It's probably the heaviest song I've done on the season so far.
W: "Did he just call Creed fat?"
P: "I love Chris."
W: "The Chris lights! It's because the Chris lights demand that you love Chris. I can't wait for the pyrotechnics portion when they get to the top four."
P: "Yep."
W: "I like the crotch cam."

P: I will give him a 6.5. I'm underwhelmed, but I did like him more than Taylor.
W: I give him a 8.

Katharine, "The Voice Within"
W: "My prediction is that for the next two minutes, Katharine is going to sing, wear a pretty frock, and look lovingly into the camera."
P: "That is NOT a frock. Nor is it pretty."
W: "I think she robbed Paula's wardrobe closet from 1986."
P: "She's a coldhearted snake."
W: "That's the Vibeology costume."
P: "She's got stage presence and confidence..."
W: "She plays to the camera. She's like Kelly Clarkson in her confidence and her star quality. And I think her eyebrows are going to get her to the fourth spot for sure."
P: "I can't figure out what she looks like."
W: "A stablehand?"
P: "She's drop dead beautiful."
W: "I have to agree with Simon. It was the best tonight."

P: I'm going to give her an 8. Which is my highest score tonight, I think.
W: 8.5.

Bucky, "Real Good Man"
Ryan: Let's see what Bucky's gonna do.
W: "Bucky's gonna squat around the stage and look inbred."
P: "This is a good song for Bucky."
Esteban: "That's because he sounds like Tim Fucking McGraw. He's doing karaoke."
W: "What lyric did he just do there? You can't tell. He's marble mouth. He could be talking about sleeping with his sister. And what's he doing now, some kind of country moonwalk?"
Esteban: "That's the boot scoot and boogie. Will you respect me if I know that?"
W: "Actually, I'll lose respect for you if you know that."
W: "Did you see that subtitle? 'Bucky's Wife and Family.' That described one person."
P: "Ha! You're mean."
W: "Thank you Paula, for validating me on the mumbling."

P: 5.5.
W: It was worse than Kellie. A 2.

Paris, "Work It Out"
P: I like her pompadour."
Esteban: "It looks like a duck's ass."
W: "She's gotta be wearing a dress that barely covers her bits, to be Beyonce. I don't like the outfit. But I like the song."
P: "I like the outfit. Kind of. I don't know."
Esteban: "She's still got a duck's ass on her head."
P: "Finally, someone good."
W: "Yeah, that was pretty good. I agree with Randy, it was the best performance of the night."
[Paula starts talking.]
Esteban: "FREAK!"

P: 9!
W: Yeah, I will give her a 9.

Elliott, "I Don't Want To Be"
P: "This is a Karaoke Revolution song!"
W: "I love how the violin people have nothing to do, but they're rocking out for their American Idol paycheck."
P: "Hmm."
W: "Actually, he just came from an audition for RENT."
P: "Wow, that note did not go well."
W: "No, he would not have gotten any points on Karaoke Revolution. Also, he kind of looks like a bat."
P: "The judges have totally lost their minds all of a sudden."
W: "I know! It was meh. I don't get it. It was meh."
Esteban: "His one eye's closing! He's seizing!"
W: "It's because he's a bat."

W: I will give that a 7.
P: I do too.

[Esteban, upon seeing Kellie in the recap: "She'll be doing porn in two years."]

Paris: 18
Katharine: 16.5
Mandisa: 15
Chris: 14.5
Elliott: 14
Lisa, Ace, Taylor: 9
Bucky: 7.5
Kellie: 7

We voted Kellie last, but I don't think she's going anywhere. (Esteban: "The faster she gets voted off, the faster she's in porn.") We both think it's going to be Bucky though. But hey, we were wrong last week!

Monday, March 27, 2006

Haiku for Elliott

Music and fashion:
Pez Toothed serial killer
Seeks same. Must like jazz.

Haiku for Ace

You can't really sing.
But I still would like you to sing
to me. Naked.

Friday, March 24, 2006

Haiku for Bucky

An orthodontist
Could do wonders, but you still
Can’t sing worth a shit.

Haiku for Taylor

Taylor you are cool.
I will vote for you. And
your little claw too.

Thursday, March 23, 2006

Haiku for Chris

Flavor saver and
Vin Diesel. You intrigue me.
Facial landing strip.

Tinfoil Elf Hats

The Conspiracy Theory as to why Kevin got eliminated is that the American Idol producers are trying to discredit Dial Idol and Vote For The Worst in one fell swoop. From the Dial Idol forums:

"I am in agreement with your premise that AI 'adjusted' the results to do two things - discredit Dialidol and thwart Vote for the Worst. The timing is just too coincidental. The producers will not be mocked."

I love conspiracies.

Wednesday, March 22, 2006

Top 11 Results

[Note: Weetabix typed this entry. Please note all the exclamation points surrounding any mention of Barry Manilow. Also note the word "knewn" which is not real. --Pie]

Welcome to the results live blog! Our pool is all over the map, but Mo and Weet think Lisa is gone and DialIdol claims Elliott. Who will it be?

The Recap of yesterday:
P: Oh, Mandisa has such a pretty outfit again! Is Bucky wearing a shirt with a picture of lungs on it?
W: HE IS! Lungs!
P: Randy Jackson IS slowly regaining the weight. Red is a great color for Paula.
W: So is Percoset.
P: The Manilow!
W: Barreeeeeee! Oh, sorry, I lost control a little bit. Love Barry!
P: Kellie... in her corpse make up! I just had a tiny orgasm watching the Chris recap. Oh, Taylor and his crazy claw! I hope he stays around because I'm entertained by Taylor and his crazy claw. Paula stands up and is the same height as Simon sitting down.
Ryan: The results are in!
P: Please don't eliminate my eye candy Ace!
W: Bargaining gets you nowhere.


P: Is it time for One True Wine?
P: It is true.
W: To one true wine!
(glasses clink)
W: Oh. That's good.
P: Oh how I have missed you, One True Wine!

The American Idol commercial:
P: (seeing Mandisa) I want that hat, actually.
W: I wonder if Chris has to put extra sunblock on?
P: Like on his head?
W: Taylor looks like the dad of the group.
P: That was just weird.

P: Paula's all drugged like, you're Barry! I know you! You're my friend! Oh my god, Barry Manilow looked like he was about to kiss Ryan Seacrest. Did you see that?
W: No, I'm blogging!
P: Oh my god, they keep touching! They're going to make out! This is going to be the best show ever!

W: (random freaking out about Barry Manilow)
P: Look at you! I suddenly want to be rich so I can take you to see Barry Manilow.
W: You should! He's awesome! He IS the American Idol! God gave the man an ugly nose, but gave him the best voice in the universe!
P: Aw! We love you Barry! Look at that person in the audience! They're like the you of the audience!
W: I would be crying in utter joy! Barry! Oh my god! The standing up guy is on stage!
P: I know! It's very confusing and weird!
W: GET YOUR HANDS OFF BARRY! Strange standing up guy! Don't they have security at that place?! Gah!

The Bottom Three:

P: Some of those 11 people are closer to our hearts. Some of those people are closer to my loins.
W: No! Not Mandisa!
P: I love everything about Mandisa.
W: And so does America.
P: Elliott has got to be in the bottom three.
W: (gasp!)
P: Wow! DialIdol is like, WAY wrong!
W: I hope this means Pickler's a bottom dweller.
P: Pick Pickler to go home!
Kellie: I don't think I'm ballsy.
Ryan: I don't have enough time to go into that.

P: Ryan has a LOT of things to say about balls.
W: Chris is looking hot! Whoa... top tier is totally safe.
P: Katharine is beautiful.
W: Love her shirt.
P: Whoa, those three are all bottom three. That's completely the correct bottom three. Paula's already crying! Paula? Paula's got problems.
W: Hee!
P: Paula took the crying drugs.


P: Snake lungs? That's weird. He deserves to be eliminated for snake lungs.
W: That's just weird.
P: Kevin is safe, I bet.
W: Yeah, I'm guessing too.
P: That chain is not doing Bucky any favors.
Ryan: Lisa, you are not in the bottom two.
P: We were wrong!
P: Look at Paula, she's on the verge of tears! It's probably Kevin.
W: Chicken Little!
[Kevin's out]
P: I knew it! I knewn she wouldn't be crying for Bucky!
W: Oh, poor little boy!
P: Well, Vote For The Worst really sucks!
W: Aw, don't make him cry when he's in the inset.
P: Everyone seems to really personally like him. That's why Paula was crying. Wow, a lot of people in the pool were spot on this week!
Kevin: America, be smart, and pick one of these fine people!
P: Oh! OK! Well, who else are we going to pick?
W: Ladies and gentlemen, we pick Justin Guarini!
P: We pick the Manilow Fanilow who stood up in the audience!

Pool Results:
Editrix is the winner this week, with 13 points. 12 points for Ana, Martha, Trance, Celine, and Bailey. 9 points for Merr, 8 for Weet and Pie, 7 for Shmuel, and 5 for the parakeets. Pool standings:

1. 24 points (tie) Ana, Bailey, Trance
4. 23 points (tie) Martha, Celine
6. 20 points, Pie
7. 19 points, Shmuel
8. 18 points, Weet
9. 16 points, the parakeets
10. 13 points, Editrix
11. 12 points, Merr

Our Favorite Comments On Last Night's Post

“I just wonder how ‘Signed, Sealed, Delivered’ and ‘How Do Fools...’ can possibly be as boring as Lisa made them. It was like I forgot what she was singing while she was performing.” –kim

“Ace's mouth was doing something freaky during his song, like he was being reeled by a fishhook (a ...*gay* fishhook?).” –sundry

“Kevin the Keebler Elf was totally trying to score at the junior high school dance.” –trance

“I can't get over the Elliott = Alf thing.” –kendra

“Everytime Kellie speaks I have brain cells that commit suicide.” –celine

Dial Idol Predictions

Well is back up after its legal trouble, and it's predicting Elliott's demise tonight by a pretty hefty margin: seven percent. I stand by my guess of Lisa, but we'll see!

Fake Rake has a pretty interesting discussion of how scientific, or not, the DialIdol statistics are.

Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Top 11 Perform

Tonight's liveblog is dedicated to Stevie Wonder's eyebrows. And the weird purple Tesla coil thing.

Oh my god, American Idol is live and so are we! That is so magical.

Present tonight: Weet, Pie, and Esteban in Absentia.

W: "Ryan is looking sort of dapper this evening! I love the baby blue tie."
[Debate about whether the handkerchief is twee.]
P: "Ace!" [fans self]
W: "Sorry, I don't think he's gay, look at how he walks. Then again, I didn't think Ricky Martin was gay either."
P: "Ryan's handkerchief looks like a tiny wee ghost."
W: "Ooooo, I'm the ghost of Dunkelman..."
P: "Hee."

Mandisa, "I Don't Hurt Anymore"
W: "Wait, they're not doing Manilow? This is just a Manilow tease!"
P: "That's mean."
W: "And Manilow doesn't like Man-diva."
P: "Wait, no, he does like her!"
W: "He likes her enough to admit he's wrong! He loves her. And she's in the power spot tonight."
P: "That dress is awesome."
W: "I need to find out where that dress is from, because I love it."
[General Mandisa love]
P: "Okay, I'm not even kidding, that just gave me chills."
W: "Even the 'PICK PICKLER' bitch is clapping."
P: "Wow, Simon just called her sexy!"
W: "He likes a little cushion for the pushin'."

Pie: Well, I'm giving her a 10.
Weet: 10. She is so good!

[Commercials. Blogger goes down for "planned maintenance." Esteban returns.]

Bucky, "Oh Boy"

W: "Manilow hates him. That's what they say when they hate someone, that they're gonna 'enjoy this.'"
P: "He's... there's something wrong with him."
W: "I think his family tree is just a straight line."
P: "I think it's his shampoo."
W: "Have I mentioned I hate his geek fuzz? I hate his geek fuzz, by the way."
P: "I'll make sure that the world is made aware."
Esteban: "It's like Joe Cocker is singing this song."
W: "Also, I think he's wearing high heels."
P: "I like the microphone twirl."
W: "You cannot fake talent with microphone trickery. If it were a baton-twirling competition, he would do splendidly."

Pie: 4
Weet: 3

Paris, "Fever"

P: "Oh, I love Fever."
W: "That's a hard one to sing."
Esteban: "Yeah, you fuck that one up even a little..."
P: "I predict she'll do well."
W: "Perfect dress. Perfect. Love her hair. Love everything."
P: "She sounds great."
W: "I don't know if she has the same stage presence as Mandisa. But I'm giving her extra points for the earrings."
P: "I think she's got the presence. Hey, Constantine's there!"
W: "That's Constantine? That's the guy where Esteban said 'I smell an air of fat about him.'"

Pie: 9. I loved it.
Weet: 8. You're the Paula of our duo.

[Site spawns best ad ever: "Parakeet Secrets! Breakthrough book reveals secrets to raising the perfect Parakeet."]

Chris, "I Walk The Line"

W: "There's a lot of people hired to hold Kellie signs in the audience."
P: "Do you feel about Kellie the way my parakeets feel about Kellie?"
W: "Well, I didn't just poop."
P: "I Walk the Line! That's gonna be awesome."
W: "He's growing out his flavor saver. He reads the blog!"
P: "Hee."
W: "He's gonna do the Red Hot Chili Peppers version of 'Walk The Line.'"
P: "Barry: 'Chris is the winner.'"
Esteban: "He's gonna fuck with a classic Johnny Cash tune, and I'm gonna hate him forever."
W: "He's wearing a wallet chain. I want to have sex with him."
Esteban: "Wait, you told me you'd leave me for wearing a wallet chain."
P: "This is awesome."
W: "Yeah."
Esteban: "Sadly, he's doing very well."
P: "I have to download this."
Esteban: "This is the Coldplay version."
W: "Again we've got the Chris lights! Does anyone else get blinky lights and lasers? No."

Pie: Awesome. AWESOME. A 10.
Weet: I'm giving him a 10, plus a little kiss.
Esteban: I'm giving him in a punch in the nose for moving in on my wife.

Katharine, "Come Rain or Come Shine"

P: "I think she's pretty."
W: "I think she's beautiful."
Esteban: "I'd have to see her boobs and her butt."
W: "Her eyebrows are fabulous."
Esteban: "She looks like Marie Osmond."
W: "She looks like Katie Holmes."
P: "This is just going to be a fabulous night all around. There's her butt."
[Katharine starts singing.]
W: "Oh my god I want to have sex with her."
Esteban: "Okay."
W: "I know we said it's gonna be Chris, but I think Katharine and Mandisa are going to give him a run for his money. She's got presence."
P: "Yeah, she's hot."

Pie: I might have to give her a 10 too!
Weet: I think she's also worthy of a 10.
Esteban: [suggestively] Yeah, I'd give her a 10.

[Esteban disappears to "play computer games" if you know what we mean.]

Taylor, "Not Fade Away"

W: "See, this is why we should be having a Barry Manilow week. So someone can sing 'Mandy.' And 'Weekend in New England.'"
P: "Why does Taylor have a claw?"
W: "What claw?"
P: "Like his little... claw."
W: "You should blog about this."
P: "I can't explain the claw in words."
W: "You should write a haiku about the claw. And I do NOT like that suit. It looks like--"
Esteban [walking through the room]: "--a lounge singer."
W: "He looks like a wedding singer in the '80s. 'Ladies and gentleman, I'm here to wish Jim and Tina the best years of their lives. And now I'm going to sing a song with a great deal of meaning for them...'"
P: "He's doing the claw again! He's doing the claw. And... the pointing."
W: "They can't show Taylor's parents because Taylor's parents are dead."

Pie: I give him a 5. It was kind of boring.
Weet: I give him a 6, but only because I'm afraid of his claw.

Lisa, "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?"

P: "Oh she is so toast."
W: "When they showed her, I was like, 'Who?'"
P: "What's with her shorts?"
W: "Are those... capris?"
P: "Aw, she's trying too hard."
W: "Dress capris? Who would ever think that's a good idea? Maybe there was confusion in the dressing room and someone took her dress and then she had to go on? Because those are great shoes."

Pie: Meh. 4, maybe 3. I don't know. I just didn't like it.
Weet: Snoozer. 4.

Kevin, "When I Fall In Love"

P: "Aw, Kevin."
W: "Doogie! This is actually a very fitting song for him."
Kevin: It's something I look forward to, and it's something that I want to last forever when I get ahold of it. So, you know, hopefully it happens for me.
W: "He just described an erection."
P: "Ha! Barry Manilow is so nurturing."
Esteban [from the next room]: "Twink!"
W: "He looks like he's in show choir and he's about to sing 'Why Are There So Many Songs About Rainbows'"
P: "He looks scared. And awkward. Next, place hand in pocket. Next, stroll across stage."
W: "I love how he's wearing a dress polo. Buttoned to the top, so it brings it up a notch."
P: "Oh my god, Ace is going to be so hot."
W: "You should deduct points for fantasizing about Ace right now. It's like you're cheating on American Idol."
P: "I'm drunk."

Pie: I was thinking about Ace. So, 4.
Weet: I give him a 6, because he was so earnest. And he didn't ask me why are so many songs about rainbows.

Elliott, "Teach Me Tonight"

W: "I hate his tie. The only way it could be worse is to be a giant red tie with white polka dots."
P: "'Backphrase.' We just learned something."
W: "Teach us, Barry."
P: "I don't like this."
W: "You don't like the wine?"
P: "No, I don't like this song."
W: "This song is actually great. If a woman is singing it."
P: "I don't think it has anything to to with gender, his voice just doesn't do it for me."
W: "Yeah, I'm just not an Elliott fan. Even if he wore a wallet chain."
P: "Eh."
W: "He and Lisa are Team Who. They're just there to draw out the final three."
Paula: I've got goosebumps.
W: "It's the drugs, Paula."

Pie: 6? Maybe?
Weet: 7, just because he is better than Kevin. Which rhymes!

Kellie, "Walkin' After Midnight"

P: "She looks cute! Except her face looks weird."
W: "She should be wearing a circle skirt."
P: "She should open her eyes. What's wrong with her eyes?"
W: "Hate this. HATE THIS. Hate her really bad bronzer attack. Hate her unsightly panty lines."
P: "How can you even see her panty lines?"
W: "Maybe they're just really unsightly pocket lines. And then she went flat. Did you hear it?"
P: "No. Her face looks so weird, I can't get over it. I love her outfit though."
W: "Her outfit's okay, but... Patsy's upset. Patsy's disappointed."

Pie: I give her a 7. I know you're going lower than that.
Weet: I give her a 4. Patsy Cline's ghost broke her mike.

Ace, "In The Still of the Night"

W: "I called it; Ace is in the power spot."
P: "He. Is. My. Boyfriend."
W: "He's wearing rouge! He's wearing more rouge than my grandmother."
P: "He..."
W: "You like it when he does that Jesus hands thing. And he's got that shit in his pocket again! I hate the shit in his pocket."
P: "I hate his orangey rouge face."
W: "Whoever got at Kellie Pickler got at Ace."
P: "Yeah."
W: "I like the artificial moon they've got going on."
P: "I like his tongue."
W: "Where would you like his tongue?"
P: "That is not a good note."
W: "No."
P: "Paula's going to sleep with him."
W: "Paula may be on drugs, but Paula's not stupid."

Pie: I would say an 8. Also, I want him to fuck me.
Weet: I'll give him a 7.

1.) 20, Mandisa, Katharine, & Chris (tie)
4.) 17, Paris
5.) 15, Ace
6.) 13, Elliott
7.) 11, Taylor & Kellie (tie)
9.) 10, Kevin
10.) 7.5, Lisa
11.) 7, Bucky

Our bottom for the week was Bucky, but we both concur that Lisa's gone. Thanks for reading!

Friday, March 17, 2006

My Parakeets Love Bucky Covington

Buttercup and Phoebe
Originally uploaded by mo pie.
I'm letting my parakeets enter the pool late, on the grounds that they haven't had access to spoilers. Since they're parakeets. (And while I'm on the subject, we do have another late entrant to the pool in the form of Editrix. Feel free to make your picks throughout the week, before the next results show, to be added to the pool.)

The parakeets will be ranking the contestants with a max of five points from each bird. I downloaded MP3s of the top twelve, so I’ll be playing them for my birds in alphabetical order. Thanks to for the files! (Except Melissa’s, which I had to find elsewhere. Rickey hates Melissa, I guess.)

A couple of tweets from Phoebe. Buttercup is hopping from perch to perch. A squawk from Phoebe. Phoebe is rubbing her head against the perch sensually. That’s how I feel about Ace too, Phoebe. That’s a 3.5 from Phoebe, and a 2 from Buttercup. Total score: 5.5.

Phoebe headed straight to her bell and is ringing it. Buttercup is dancing around again. They still seem to enjoy Bucky. Now they’re both looking at me. Oh! Phoebe just stuck her head inside the bell! She’s ringing it with her head! That is a full endorsement from Phoebe. She’s doing it in time with the song, even. Buttercup is fluffing herself up slightly but is otherwise unmoved. A 3 from Buttercup, a 5 from Phoebe. Total score: 8.

Buttercup is nibbling Phoebe’s head. They are both chirping happily at this development. They are fluffy. More nibbling. Buttercup is going to nibble her way through this entire song, I think. Soft chirping. Fluffiness. Now some hopping around. More grooming. I have no idea what to think about this, but I think that’s probably a 3.5 from each, for a total of 7.

They are fluffy and singing to each other. They hate Elliot a lot less than they used to, I think. How fickle. Now they’re chasing each other around. Buttercup just blinked at me. Now they’re chasing each other some more. Phoebe is looking at her bell, contemplating ringing it. Ring ring ring! Wow, Phoebe changed her mind about Elliot and is giving him a 4.5. Buttercup gives him a 2.5. That’s a total of 7. Tied with Chris!

Buttercup is fluffing herself up and chirping. Phoebe is grooming herself. Now Phoebe is eating birdseed. Katharine: dinner theater for parakeets. Buttercup is grooming herself. They seem pretty bored by Katharine, which is sad because I love her. Oh, now Buttercup is scratching her head sensually on the perch. I think Buttercup is hot for Katharine. A 3.5 from Buttercup, a 1.5 from Phoebe. Total of 5.

Phoebe is still eating. Kellie is so far exactly as interesting as Katharine. Now Phoebe moved to a different food dish, and is eating something different. Which means nothing, really. Buttercup just looked at me, chirped once, and pooped. I guess that means she doesn’t like Kellie. 2 from Phoebe, 1 from Buttercup. Total of 3.

Phoebe is chirping. Now they’re nibbling each other. I think I caught them at an amorous parakeet moment. Oh, now Phoebe is chirping enthusiastically. I think she’s into Kevin and is giving him a 4. Buttercup gives the official grooming score of 3.5. Total of 7.5.

Phoebe is bobbing and weaving on the perch. She just chased Buttercup off the perch. Phoebe rings her bell once, then hops away. What is that, a 4? Buttercup is sitting in the food dish. She just tilted her head at me. I’d call that a… 2? Total score: 6.

Buttercup is making an “I love Mandisa” face. Maybe I’m projecting. Buttercup is now sitting next to the bell, wondering what will happen if she rings it with her head. I’ll tell you what: Phoebe will cut you. Buttercup fluffs herself up happily. Phoebe is sitting on one leg. She’s chirping very loudly. Squawk! I’m sitting on one leg! I have something to say! I can’t speak parakeet, but it seems positive to me, overall. I would say a 4 from each bird for a total of 8.

And Phoebe heads for the bell. Two dings! Buttercup is stretching. Now Phoebe has hopped over to where Buttercup is. They’re looking at each other intently. Is this a parakeet staring contest? That was anticlimactic. I think Phoebe is a 3.25, and Buttercup is a 2. Total score of 5.25.

Phoebe is singing, singing, singing. Buttercup is fluffy but quiet. Now she’s sitting on one leg. I have no idea what that means. Maybe she’s comfortable with Paris. Oh, they’re both on one leg. They both find Paris comforting. Phoebe is chirping and head bobbing a little bit. Buttercup looks like she’s falling asleep. A 3 from Buttercup. A 4.25 from Phoebe. Total of 7.25.

Phoebe is drinking water. Buttercup is eating a treat stick. Oh, we’re getting bell ringing from Phoebe. Now she’s stretching. Fluffing. Bell ringing. Her head’s too fluffy to fit in the bell. Enthusiasm! Buttercup is sitting on one foot and is doing her tennis ball trick. That’s where she fluffs herself up so much she looks perfectly round, like a tennis ball. Happiness is a round parakeet. 4.5 from Phoebe. 3.25 from Buttercup. Total of 7.75.

There are two ties. I’m giving Bucky and Chris the edge. Bucky because he got the full head-in-the-bell treatment, and Chris because they hated Elliot so much last time. Their final rankings:

1. Bucky: 8
2. Mandisa: 8
3. Taylor: 7.75
4. Kevin: 7.5
5. Paris: 7.25
6. Chris: 7
7. Elliot: 7
8. Lisa: 6
9. Ace: 5.5
10. Melissa: 5.25
11. Katharine: 5
12. Kellie: 3

Thursday, March 16, 2006

Ace Young: Gay, Straight, Or Covered In Nutella?

We're having a debate in the comments below about whether Ace Young sets off anyone's gaydar, apparently based on his performance of "Father Figure." In case, like me, you haven't seen this performance, I've just snagged it from You Tube. Let us know what you think!

Wednesday, March 15, 2006

Top 12 Results

The Idol Pool will close in 45 minutes. Thus far, we have nine entrants. Five have picked Kevin to be eliminated tonight, one has chosen Kellie, one has (I think) chosen Elliot, and two have chosen Lisa. Check back once the show starts for our liveblog! We're preparing for this feat by watching America's Next Top Model and drinking wine.

The Commercial:
W: "What was Kevin doing in the bushes with a rabbit?"
P: "AAAAAAAAHH! The Burger King!"
W: "It's a very scary man wearing an artificial carpet."
P: "AAAAAAAAAHHH! My sexual fantasies have all suddenly gone horribly wrong."
W: "The hairy troll is your boyfriend!"

Stevie Wonder:
P: "I want to hear 'My Cherie Amour.'"
W: "I want 'I Just Called To Say I Love You' but I'd be hapy with either."
P: "Oh no!"
W: "We have been cockblocked by the new album!"
P: "Which apparently sucks."
W: "No new album. No wedding Saturdays within the month of June."

Bottom Three:
W: "I wonder if Kevin got that sweater in the big boys department."
P: "No! Not Ace!"
W: "Your boyfriend's in the bottom three! I like his shirt."
P: "I like his shoulder muscles."
W: "Paula's had twelve Vicodin tonight."
P: "Kevin is safe. Sorry, five people who picked him."
W: "Kellie is safe! I suck."
P: "Here's Chris. The winner."
W: "Yep."
P: "I think Melissa and Lisa are in the bottom three."
W: "Oh! You called it."
P: "Yep."
W: "When did Dirty Dancing shorts come back in?"
W: "I think either Melissa or Lisa is out. But I think they'll pair whoever it is with Ace, to scare the voting public into voting for Ace."
P: "Good call. I think Lisa's gone though."
W: "I think you might be right. Because of last night when you said 'Lisa wasn't that memorable' and I said 'Who's Lisa?' I think that's a tell."

Bottom Two
P: "YAY! ACE IS SAFE! It's kind of no fair putting him next to Kevin. Kevin looks even more underdeveloped next to him."
W: "Wow, they killed off Melissa that early?"
P: "Nobody in our pool picked Melissa."
W: "At least she's wearing a fantastic top."
P: "I was hoping she'd go, I didn't like her at all."

Pool Results:
Scoring: You get 13 points if you get a contestant's placement correct, and lose one point for each place you're off by.

12 points: Ana, Pie, Trance, Shmuel, Bailey
11 points: Martha, Celine
10 points: Weet
3 points: Merr

Tuesday, March 14, 2006

The Official Pool

To enter the Weetapidol pool, list your top 12 contestants in the order you think they will be voted off. Enter in the comments! Weet and Pie will appear in the comments with their entries. Good luck!

Final 12

Commenters: Weet, Pie, Esteban.

Ace, "I Do, I Do"

W: "Is this the guy you think is hot?"
P: "He is hot. Oh my god. Hot."
W: "Why is he stroking Stevie? Do not stroke Stevie."
W: "Is Stevie Wonder pregnant?"
P: "That's the Wonder part."
E: "Don't pick on the blind man!"
W: "Hey, it's not like he can hear me."
E: "You never know, they have better senses."
W: "His look reminds me of Mrs. Smith's 1983 sixth grade class where everyone was growing out their permed bobs and had yet to experiment with plucking their eyebrows. Someone should give Ace the movie about getting his period. Also, I don't like the poser thing in his pocket."
P: "I think he's doing an impression of Stevie Wonder, and yet I want to hump him."

Weet: Six.
Pie: Six plus. Because he's hot.

Kellie, "Blame It On The Sun"

P: "She's got a cute personality. I think she'll go far on personality alone."
W: "Stevie Wonder doesn't like her."
P: "He hates her. But her shoes are awesome and she looks hot. She's got killer curves.
W: "She's got heavy calves, kind of."
E: "She'd win if she did it topless."

Weet: Three, plus one for the shoes. So a four.
Pie: Five.

Elliot, "Knock Me"

W: "He looks like he should be a character on the Sopranos, and get killed."
P: "He has no sex appeal at all."
W: "I think it's his hair."
P: "I think it's his freaky mouth."

Weet: Seven.
Pie: A seven minus, but I think he's toast.

Mandisa, "Something"

P: "She just got the foot fetish vote."
W: "Seacrest likes the larger ladies."
P: "Seacrest does not like the ladies."
W: "He's looking for a fag hag right now. Candidate number one, Mandisa."
P: "Stevie loves her."
W: "I love her outfit. I can't tell if it's separates or a dress, but it's great."
P: "I love that she's a hot, full-figured woman."
W: "And she's even willing to go sleveless."
P: "Represent!"

Weet: Nine. Wait, I'm going all in. A ten.
Pie: Nine.

Bucky, "Superstition"

W: "He reminds me of Appalacian Emergency Room."
P: "Stevie Wonder hates him."
W: "I enjoy his girlie hair, and want to touch it. I think he's got presence."
P: "He was my parakeets' favorite."

Weet: Five, but should be a four. Extra point for the hair.
Pie: An eight. I enoyed that performance.

Melissa, "I Do, I Do"

P: "Melissa. I think she's cannon fodder."
W: "He's all, 'Do not touch me! Do not touch the Wonder!'"
P: "She's wearing a brunette shirt, but she has so many highlights, she might as well be a blonde."
W: "She does suck. How did she get to the top twelve?"

Weet: I don't even know what to give her. A three. Plus half a point for restraint with the body glitter.
Pie: Two.

Lisa, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"

W: "I like her outfit. I love the '80s belt. And the turquoise shoes."
P: "I missed it. Did Stevie like her?"
W: "Stevie liked her. In fact, I think he was flirting with her."
P: "Hee."
W: "I'm sort of bored by this, though. I like her eyebrows."

Weet: A six. And Randy agrees with me.
Pie: I put her in my "blah" spot. A five.

Kevin, "Part Time Lover"

W: "Is it unfair to like the nerd before he even sings? He is the whitest man on the planet, about to sing a Stevie Wonder song. Right there is worth the price of admission."
P: "Oh my god, they call him Chicken Little! And he gets their sign. It would be funny if they had another name on the back."
W: "He's wearing white shoes with his pants. Why the white shoes, Kevin? Why not a pocket protector, with some toilet paper trailing behind it?"
P: "He's, like, five years old."
W: "I would pay him a hundred dollars if he grabbed his cock and did like a Jim Morrison thing,"
Eesteban: "It's Doogie Howser!"

Weet: Five. I would give him a six if he had pubic hair.
Pie: A five plus.

Katharine, "Til You Come Back To Me"

P: "She's got great eyebrows."
W: "I was just gonna say that! She looks like Katie Holmes. Esteban, do you think she's hot?"
E: "Yes. She's wearing a pregnancy dress, but she's got great tits."
W: "I love her eye makeup. Her lips are fantastic. Her hair is great. But meh performance."

Weet: Seven. And she doesn't even have to show me her pubic hair.
Pie: I usually like her more. But I love her in general. So, seven.

Taylor, "Living For The City"

W: "How old is this guy? 'This song is from 1974. A year I remember, because I lost my virginity that year.'"
P: "I like the suit, though."
W: "He has this weird Belushi vibe going on. I keep thinking he needs to be doing a Blues Brothers thing right now. Or Joe Cocker. Or Belushi doing Joe Cocker."
P: "I'm kind of into it, though."
W: "I'm not wishing it were over, like some of the other ones. Oh, but he shouldn't do that dance ever again. And... he did."

Weet: Seven. He's better than Elliot, but not as good as Katharine. I'm sticking with seven.
Pie: Eight. I dug it.

Paris, "A Little More Love"

Stevie Wonder: "I see a great future for Paris."
E: "That's cruel."
W: "You have to blog that."
P: "I'm not blogging that."
W: "Oh, you can blog that I think he's pregnant, but not that he 'sees a great future' for Paris?"
P: "Okay, fine."
W: "I had those earrings in eighth grade."

Weet: Paris has a fantastic voice. But I don't think she's America's idol. An eight, because she's better vocally than anyone else so far, except Mandisa, whom I love. But she's wearing contrasting pinks, and I don't like that.
Pie: I was not paying attention to that. I guess I'll just single white female you, and give her an eight.

Chris, "Higher Ground"

W: "He's cute. He kind of looks like Vin Diesel."
P: "Yeah. Chris is totally winning this thing."
W: "Nobody else had all the crazy lights. It's like they're saying VOTE FOR CHRIS. There's going to be a laser show during the bridge."

Weet: I give him an H for HOT. And a nine, because he's got a flavor saver. Had he been rocking the bald head without the flavor saver, he would have gotten a ten. But I also think he's hot.
Pie: I give him a nine. I liked it.