Tuesday, March 14, 2006

Final 12

Commenters: Weet, Pie, Esteban.

Ace, "I Do, I Do"

W: "Is this the guy you think is hot?"
P: "He is hot. Oh my god. Hot."
W: "Why is he stroking Stevie? Do not stroke Stevie."
W: "Is Stevie Wonder pregnant?"
P: "That's the Wonder part."
E: "Don't pick on the blind man!"
W: "Hey, it's not like he can hear me."
E: "You never know, they have better senses."
W: "His look reminds me of Mrs. Smith's 1983 sixth grade class where everyone was growing out their permed bobs and had yet to experiment with plucking their eyebrows. Someone should give Ace the movie about getting his period. Also, I don't like the poser thing in his pocket."
P: "I think he's doing an impression of Stevie Wonder, and yet I want to hump him."

Weet: Six.
Pie: Six plus. Because he's hot.

Kellie, "Blame It On The Sun"

P: "She's got a cute personality. I think she'll go far on personality alone."
W: "Stevie Wonder doesn't like her."
P: "He hates her. But her shoes are awesome and she looks hot. She's got killer curves.
W: "She's got heavy calves, kind of."
E: "She'd win if she did it topless."

Weet: Three, plus one for the shoes. So a four.
Pie: Five.

Elliot, "Knock Me"

W: "He looks like he should be a character on the Sopranos, and get killed."
P: "He has no sex appeal at all."
W: "I think it's his hair."
P: "I think it's his freaky mouth."

Weet: Seven.
Pie: A seven minus, but I think he's toast.

Mandisa, "Something"

P: "She just got the foot fetish vote."
W: "Seacrest likes the larger ladies."
P: "Seacrest does not like the ladies."
W: "He's looking for a fag hag right now. Candidate number one, Mandisa."
P: "Stevie loves her."
W: "I love her outfit. I can't tell if it's separates or a dress, but it's great."
P: "I love that she's a hot, full-figured woman."
W: "And she's even willing to go sleveless."
P: "Represent!"

Weet: Nine. Wait, I'm going all in. A ten.
Pie: Nine.

Bucky, "Superstition"

W: "He reminds me of Appalacian Emergency Room."
P: "Stevie Wonder hates him."
W: "I enjoy his girlie hair, and want to touch it. I think he's got presence."
P: "He was my parakeets' favorite."

Weet: Five, but should be a four. Extra point for the hair.
Pie: An eight. I enoyed that performance.

Melissa, "I Do, I Do"

P: "Melissa. I think she's cannon fodder."
W: "He's all, 'Do not touch me! Do not touch the Wonder!'"
P: "She's wearing a brunette shirt, but she has so many highlights, she might as well be a blonde."
W: "She does suck. How did she get to the top twelve?"

Weet: I don't even know what to give her. A three. Plus half a point for restraint with the body glitter.
Pie: Two.

Lisa, "Signed, Sealed, Delivered"

W: "I like her outfit. I love the '80s belt. And the turquoise shoes."
P: "I missed it. Did Stevie like her?"
W: "Stevie liked her. In fact, I think he was flirting with her."
P: "Hee."
W: "I'm sort of bored by this, though. I like her eyebrows."

Weet: A six. And Randy agrees with me.
Pie: I put her in my "blah" spot. A five.

Kevin, "Part Time Lover"

W: "Is it unfair to like the nerd before he even sings? He is the whitest man on the planet, about to sing a Stevie Wonder song. Right there is worth the price of admission."
P: "Oh my god, they call him Chicken Little! And he gets their sign. It would be funny if they had another name on the back."
W: "He's wearing white shoes with his pants. Why the white shoes, Kevin? Why not a pocket protector, with some toilet paper trailing behind it?"
P: "He's, like, five years old."
W: "I would pay him a hundred dollars if he grabbed his cock and did like a Jim Morrison thing,"
Eesteban: "It's Doogie Howser!"

Weet: Five. I would give him a six if he had pubic hair.
Pie: A five plus.

Katharine, "Til You Come Back To Me"

P: "She's got great eyebrows."
W: "I was just gonna say that! She looks like Katie Holmes. Esteban, do you think she's hot?"
E: "Yes. She's wearing a pregnancy dress, but she's got great tits."
W: "I love her eye makeup. Her lips are fantastic. Her hair is great. But meh performance."

Weet: Seven. And she doesn't even have to show me her pubic hair.
Pie: I usually like her more. But I love her in general. So, seven.

Taylor, "Living For The City"

W: "How old is this guy? 'This song is from 1974. A year I remember, because I lost my virginity that year.'"
P: "I like the suit, though."
W: "He has this weird Belushi vibe going on. I keep thinking he needs to be doing a Blues Brothers thing right now. Or Joe Cocker. Or Belushi doing Joe Cocker."
P: "I'm kind of into it, though."
W: "I'm not wishing it were over, like some of the other ones. Oh, but he shouldn't do that dance ever again. And... he did."

Weet: Seven. He's better than Elliot, but not as good as Katharine. I'm sticking with seven.
Pie: Eight. I dug it.

Paris, "A Little More Love"

Stevie Wonder: "I see a great future for Paris."
E: "That's cruel."
W: "You have to blog that."
P: "I'm not blogging that."
W: "Oh, you can blog that I think he's pregnant, but not that he 'sees a great future' for Paris?"
P: "Okay, fine."
W: "I had those earrings in eighth grade."

Weet: Paris has a fantastic voice. But I don't think she's America's idol. An eight, because she's better vocally than anyone else so far, except Mandisa, whom I love. But she's wearing contrasting pinks, and I don't like that.
Pie: I was not paying attention to that. I guess I'll just single white female you, and give her an eight.

Chris, "Higher Ground"

W: "He's cute. He kind of looks like Vin Diesel."
P: "Yeah. Chris is totally winning this thing."
W: "Nobody else had all the crazy lights. It's like they're saying VOTE FOR CHRIS. There's going to be a laser show during the bridge."

Weet: I give him an H for HOT. And a nine, because he's got a flavor saver. Had he been rocking the bald head without the flavor saver, he would have gotten a ten. But I also think he's hot.
Pie: I give him a nine. I liked it.


Blogger Lauren Marie said...

You guys rock.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

Blogging about AI! That is GOOD TIMES. I heart Chris but I agree, it was totally a brainwashing vote-for-Chris light show. And Ace is hot. But the nerd? Ladies (and Estaban just for attending), he needs to go. Like, two weeks ago.

7:46 PM  
Blogger timbrat said...

oh HOLY SHIT... the Mandisa = fag hag comment? We TOTALLY said the same thing watching!

It was an okay show this week, but Ryan's lapels were TOTALLY too wide for his tie (Taylor Hicks wore a suit that would have been AWESOME with that tie, but Ryan's? No.

I'm totally the gayest man on Earth for noticing that, right? Oh, what? Except for Ryan Seacrest? Right. Okay.

8:56 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

You guys rock. The best comment we could come up with last night was, "Stevie Wonder must have picked out Elliot's outfit." My husband told me I had to blog that, but in light of your great entry, it seemed more appropriate to share it here.

5:19 AM  
Anonymous whyme63 said...

HA! Your ads are for Stevie Wonder downloads, and "Losing Your Eyebrows?"

This is the only way I can process this show--looking through the eyes of snark. You suffer the pain of watching it, and I get the distillation of funny. I love it!

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Lisa-Marie said...

Oh, man, this is too funny! I love you both! And, also, Elliot's ears are too low. It's like they're coming out of his jaw or something.

7:49 AM  
Anonymous heidi said...

Kevin sings with a LISP people. It's like nails on a chalkboard. And Melissa makes my chest hurt. It looks and sounds painful when she sings. I want to send her a box of throat lozenges.

10:25 AM  
Anonymous Martha said...

I love Chris but the "Higher Ground" rendition? Totally Red Hot Chili Peppers - not a combination of that version and Stevie's. I disagree with Simon that his was the most original performance. Listen to the RHCP! Still, he rocked.

My favorite is Katharine. She has an amazing voice - such control.

OK, I'm taking this all too seriously.....

PS - This blog is the BOMB!

12:59 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

Thanks Martha! And yes, I love Katharine, too. I wasn't thrilled by her this week but in general, I love her!

1:09 PM  
Anonymous Sundry said...

Poor Elliot. He's got Predator Mouth.

Also, best blog idea ever. You guys rule.

1:14 PM  
Blogger pippa said...

CRYING laughing so hard at Appalachian Emergency Room. Am I the only one truly FRIGHTENED that Bucky is twins???

3:55 AM  
Anonymous Kim said...

Poor Elliott--he just can't win. He has Diabetes AND has to wear an insulin pump AND it screwed up his teeth, but now his ears are too low and Seacrest needs to take him shopping? Aw, E--you're a nice kid, but if you get in the way of my coneted Mandis/Chris/Kat final three, I'll gut you like a fish.

And Ace? Really? Whatever it ia that ge does, he is doing it well. The problem is that the "whatever he does" is not singing, because that is not so good. But he is so pretty.

And, although I'm sure it is authentic, I am *thisclose* to being shoved over the edge with Kellie's homespun, cornpone shtick. "They're not real tarantulas." Ugh.

No, Pippa, you're not. Bucky = Boomhauer.

7:55 AM  
Blogger Amy said...

Kevin singing Part Time Lover was the most hysterically funny, unbelieveable thing I've seen all year. Why not I Just Called to Say I Love You? Or Isn't She Lovely? Does anyone actually believe that Kevin might have a lover (either part- or full-time)?

8:51 AM  

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