Tuesday, March 28, 2006

Top 10 Perform

This liveblog is being sponsored by 2002 Ravenswood Old Vine Zinfandel. The rumored theme is "21st Century" so I guess we shall see... oh, and a shout out to our friends in Alabama, three of whom appear to be reading the site right now. Alabama! Holla!

W: "There's a bunch of Lisa signs now. And they're professionally amateur."
P: "I was right about the theme! Or, the spoilers were."
W: "If someone sings Nickelback, I'm going to projectile vomit."
P: "Constantine got eliminated on Nickelback last season."
W: "Awesome."

Lisa Tucker, "Because of You"
P: "A Kelly song? That's a bad fuckin' idea."
W: "Put head in guillotine. Pull string."
P: "She's good, but she's not Kelly. She's gonna lose."
W: "And you don't match your eyeshadow to your tank top. Doesn't she watch America's Next Top Model?"
P "Wait, what's she doing to her hair?
W: "She's gonna pull out her weave. That's another thing she should learn from America's Next Top Model. Don't touch the weave."
P: "I agree with Randy."
W: "From my mouth to Randy's ears! Which sounds kinda gross."
P: "The judges hate her."
W: "She's dead. When you're getting read the riot act by freakin' Paula?"
P: "Poor thing."
W: "Goodbye, Lisa. This has become like an STD argument."
P: "Wait, what?"
W: "'It's not painful! It wasn't painful!' 'But it burns when you urinate!'"
P: "I can't blog that because I don't understand it."

P: She didn't suck. I give her a 5.
W: She didn't suck, but it was a mistake. She should have done "A Moment Like This" or something, if she wanted to do a Kelly song. Not a song that's on the radio right now. I give her a 4.

Kellie, "Suds in the Bucket"
W: "Wow, she's singing country?"
P: "Oh, Kellie."
W: "One of these days she's going to come out in Daisy Dukes and be chewing on a piece of straw. Because America doesn't quite understand."
P: "Her face looks really weird. Is it just me?"
W: "She doesn't have a belly button. She's a pod person."
P: "This isn't really showing off her voice. I guess that note did. She's got a very country voice. Hey, the judges agree with me about the song choice."
W: "Somebody hid Paula's drugs! This is a very bitchy Paula tonight."
P: "Simon just called it a gimmicky rodeo song. I love Simon."
[Argument about whether the two women they keep cutting to are Debbie Gibson and Kristy Swanson, or lesbians, or both.]

P: 4, because it was really generic.
W: I give her a 3 because I hate her.

Ace, "Drops of Jupiter"
P: "I'm sorry, he's so cheesy. He's not doing it for me right now."
W: "Wait until he does the God hands. When he does the God hands you'll be all like 'Ace, let's snuggle!'"
P: "I hate his shirt."
W: "He really only sings with his eyebrows. Have you noticed this? It's like his eyebrows lunging at each other."
P: "Aw, Ace."
W: "And I can't wait to see if he has shit in his pocket."
P: "Hee."
W: "AND HE HAS SHIT IN HIS POCKET! WE HAVE SHIT IN THE POCKET. He's shaking tonight. Wow, he's really shaking."
P: "The judges are all grumpy tonight. Wow, Paula. She has never been this mean."
W: "Wow, she's really not on drugs."
P: "Aw, his scar. I want to kiss his scar."
W: "Wait, he's specifying that it's a real scar? Because there are makeup scars?"
P: "The shirt is still bothering me."
W: "At least he doesn't have his watch on over his sleeve, like he did that one night."

P: I have to sadly say he also gets a 4 from me.
W: Really? I give him a 5. He was better than Kellie and Lisa.

Taylor, "Trouble"
W: "Taylor is the poster boy for trying too hard."
P: "That kid spray painted his head."
W: "Oh my god, Taylor thought it was real! I think Taylor's drunk."
P: "Now HE'S got shit in his pocket."
W: "I'm sure it's the battery for his pacemaker."
P: "Ha!"
W: "Here's my problem with Taylor. Every time he gets ahold of this microphone, it reminds me of an office Christmas party where the middle manager, who always wears Dockers, gets up and sings, and everyone has to listen politely because he has the power to fire them."
P: "What's he doing with his legs?"
W: "They made him hold the microphone stand to control the claw, but it has to come out somehow."
P: "More hate from the judges."
W: "Look at the look of steel coming from Paula. She looks like she's Wonder Woman about to lasso him."
P: "Paula's happy he didn't do a stupid dance. Ha! 'You are an old soul.' That means 'You look like my granddad.'"

P: I'd say a 6.
W: I will see your 6. And that's it. I call.

Mandisa, "Wanna Praise You"
P: "Yay, Mandisa! She will save us."
W: "Yay, Mandisa!"
P: "Is this the Moby song?"
W: "I don't know... hey, she's got shit in her pocket, too!"
P: "It's shit-in-your-pocket night."
W: "Mandisa, you have betrayed me."
P: "The preaching was weird. 'Whatever your problems are, God is bigger.' Is she calling God fat?"
W: "I would have put her in a pointy shirt. Because I think she's rocking the jeans, but she should have had pointy."
P: "I am in 100% agreement with that statement. As a fat chick."
W: "This is clearly NOT the Moby version."

P: I give her a 7.
W: I give her an 8. I should really detract a point for shit in the pocket, but I have a feeling it's not their fault. Maybe as they're about to run onstage, someone is shoving shit in their pockets.

Chris, "What If?"
W: Chris's flavor saver is back, with weird S-shaped sideburns. And Ryan is calling him on the Live thing! 'Ryan, have you been in my room, looking at my altar to Live'?"
[Ryan and Weetabix suggest Celine Dion's Titanic song at the same time.]
W: "Oh no, not Creed."
Chris: It's probably the heaviest song I've done on the season so far.
W: "Did he just call Creed fat?"
P: "I love Chris."
W: "The Chris lights! It's because the Chris lights demand that you love Chris. I can't wait for the pyrotechnics portion when they get to the top four."
P: "Yep."
W: "I like the crotch cam."

P: I will give him a 6.5. I'm underwhelmed, but I did like him more than Taylor.
W: I give him a 8.

Katharine, "The Voice Within"
W: "My prediction is that for the next two minutes, Katharine is going to sing, wear a pretty frock, and look lovingly into the camera."
P: "That is NOT a frock. Nor is it pretty."
W: "I think she robbed Paula's wardrobe closet from 1986."
P: "She's a coldhearted snake."
W: "That's the Vibeology costume."
P: "She's got stage presence and confidence..."
W: "She plays to the camera. She's like Kelly Clarkson in her confidence and her star quality. And I think her eyebrows are going to get her to the fourth spot for sure."
P: "I can't figure out what she looks like."
W: "A stablehand?"
P: "She's drop dead beautiful."
W: "I have to agree with Simon. It was the best tonight."

P: I'm going to give her an 8. Which is my highest score tonight, I think.
W: 8.5.

Bucky, "Real Good Man"
Ryan: Let's see what Bucky's gonna do.
W: "Bucky's gonna squat around the stage and look inbred."
P: "This is a good song for Bucky."
Esteban: "That's because he sounds like Tim Fucking McGraw. He's doing karaoke."
W: "What lyric did he just do there? You can't tell. He's marble mouth. He could be talking about sleeping with his sister. And what's he doing now, some kind of country moonwalk?"
Esteban: "That's the boot scoot and boogie. Will you respect me if I know that?"
W: "Actually, I'll lose respect for you if you know that."
W: "Did you see that subtitle? 'Bucky's Wife and Family.' That described one person."
P: "Ha! You're mean."
W: "Thank you Paula, for validating me on the mumbling."

P: 5.5.
W: It was worse than Kellie. A 2.

Paris, "Work It Out"
P: I like her pompadour."
Esteban: "It looks like a duck's ass."
W: "She's gotta be wearing a dress that barely covers her bits, to be Beyonce. I don't like the outfit. But I like the song."
P: "I like the outfit. Kind of. I don't know."
Esteban: "She's still got a duck's ass on her head."
P: "Finally, someone good."
W: "Yeah, that was pretty good. I agree with Randy, it was the best performance of the night."
[Paula starts talking.]
Esteban: "FREAK!"

P: 9!
W: Yeah, I will give her a 9.

Elliott, "I Don't Want To Be"
P: "This is a Karaoke Revolution song!"
W: "I love how the violin people have nothing to do, but they're rocking out for their American Idol paycheck."
P: "Hmm."
W: "Actually, he just came from an audition for RENT."
P: "Wow, that note did not go well."
W: "No, he would not have gotten any points on Karaoke Revolution. Also, he kind of looks like a bat."
P: "The judges have totally lost their minds all of a sudden."
W: "I know! It was meh. I don't get it. It was meh."
Esteban: "His one eye's closing! He's seizing!"
W: "It's because he's a bat."

W: I will give that a 7.
P: I do too.

[Esteban, upon seeing Kellie in the recap: "She'll be doing porn in two years."]

Paris: 18
Katharine: 16.5
Mandisa: 15
Chris: 14.5
Elliott: 14
Lisa, Ace, Taylor: 9
Bucky: 7.5
Kellie: 7

We voted Kellie last, but I don't think she's going anywhere. (Esteban: "The faster she gets voted off, the faster she's in porn.") We both think it's going to be Bucky though. But hey, we were wrong last week!


Anonymous Celine said...

Obsessed, I know. Longest comment ever:

Lisa: I am in agreement with you ladies. Anyone know why Lisa furrows her brow every time she sings? No? because it frightens me a little.
Kellie: I wrote her a haiku. It said everything. Please go home this week.
Ace: Still pretty, however, he caressed his scar on national television. CARESSED IT. That, freaked me out.
Taylor: With you again on the weird squat dancing. Maybe Paula can work it into one of her cardio dance videos.
Mandisa: I liked her more than usual this week. Also, best smile ever on that lady!
Chris: Still love him, hate Creed. Nothing special here.
Katharine: I was digging it tonight. Plus, she really is stunning. Bitch.
Bucky: The fact that Esteban knew what that freaky-ass dance was called says it all!
Paris: Kicked some serious ASS. You go girl!
Elliott: I love that song! He did a good job of it, not the best, but he can sing. Also, hot outfit tonight. Did no one else notice that his ensemble was styling? That outfit plus Ace's face equals love.

6:27 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

I apologize for the multi-commenting especially considering the novel I left last time, but I have super important news: one of the chicks that they kept cutting to in the audience tonight was Rachel from S Club 7! I totally recongized her and forgot to write this earlier.

Sigh. I'm officially a loser now, aren't I?

8:08 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Maybe the producers will surprise us and have a quintuple elimination tonight. It wasn't the best night. Maybe the band was off.

I love Chris, but he really needs a change-up. One trick pony. And Ace with the scar love? Well, it worked for Anthony Federov.

I thought it was pretty funny that Chris wanted to "rock" with Creed (wtf?) and that Ace wanted to "rock out" a little with Train (no, seriously, wtf?)--but it was the half-deaf, Diabetic, Jewish kid singing Gavin freakin' Degraw, who actually "rocked".

5:06 AM  
Blogger Kendra said...

I thought everyone sucked this week! Oh my god!

Lisa and the furrowed brow -- word up.

Kellie: total gimmick song. When she winks at the camera (see: every performance) I feel like I need to go throw up. "What's ballsy? What's spinach? What's a car?" Nitwit.

Ace's scar freaked me out. I don't want to see that! Keep it to yourself! It was way too planned, like he'd been practicing a casual, "Here's my scar, let me wrap you in my manly, yet sensitive, arms" all week in the mirror.

Taylor: eh.

Mandisa: WTF? I'm sorry, I think gospel is not going to reach many people on a musical level. I normally love Mandisa. Snap out of it, girl!

Chris: the flashing lights always make me want to have a seizure. And yes, the S sideburns are HI-larious.

Katharine: THE SHIRT! THE SHIRT! What, is she a Ren Faire reject? WTF was that supposed to be? I couldn't listen to the song, I was stuck on the shirt.

Bucky: the squat dance really freaks me out. Ayla did this too. What's with the squatting?

Paris: 1) Beyonce songs are totally unmelodic, they're not really good "singer" songs imho. 2) The hair! The bangs looked like something girls wore at my junior high in 1988. And no one with that low (and narrow! weird!) of a hairline should wear their hair back. And while she's cute, she's kinda short and and and... watching her shake her booty really freaked me out! She totally looked like an 8 year old playing dress up.

Elliott: boring.

10:34 AM  
Anonymous lisa-marie said...

That was one hour of my life I'll never get back. EVERYone sucked (except my darling Taylor; I lurve him, he can do no wrong! Oh and Mandisa was pretty good, too, and I guess Paris was okay.). I was very disappointed. And someone needs to give Paula her drugs back, those were some mean comments coming out of her mouth. OH GOD! The radio station is playing the "suds in the bucket" song RIGHT NOW!! Lord, it even sucks when it's professionally done.

12:54 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

There is nothing I hate more than when a singer points to something he or she is singing about - i.e., Ace touching his hair "With drops of Jupiter in her hair" and then his scar "One without a permanent scar". Ugh. It's so tacky. The lyrics are supposed to paint the picture. Anyway, Ace has fallen from grace in my opinion.

And, I agree, just about everyone was lame this week. I'm wondering if it's because the show was shorter and that perhaps the songs were shortened too. Does anyone know?

I still adore Katharine - she is gorgeous and has an awesome voice. I think she was smart to pick a Christina Aguilera song.

And, I loved Taylor. He chose a kick-ass song by an incredible bluesy singer, Ray LaMontagne, and I think he nailed it.

1:46 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

Oh, one more thing. I totally agree with Simon regarding Mandisa - her song choice was indulgent. I don't think American Idol is the place for preaching! She fell down a couple notches in my book after her performance last night. I hope she redeems herself next week. (hee)

1:48 PM  
Anonymous Trance said...

What the hell happened this week? I think someone else should start picking the songs, because these folks are clueless.

Also, the fact that there is a song called 'Suds in the Bucket' makes me want to rip out my own spleen.

I liked Paris, but I sort of like that funky little song. I think Lisa or Bucky are toast this week.

3:22 PM  

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