Tuesday, March 21, 2006

Top 11 Perform

Tonight's liveblog is dedicated to Stevie Wonder's eyebrows. And the weird purple Tesla coil thing.

Oh my god, American Idol is live and so are we! That is so magical.

Present tonight: Weet, Pie, and Esteban in Absentia.

W: "Ryan is looking sort of dapper this evening! I love the baby blue tie."
[Debate about whether the handkerchief is twee.]
P: "Ace!" [fans self]
W: "Sorry, I don't think he's gay, look at how he walks. Then again, I didn't think Ricky Martin was gay either."
P: "Ryan's handkerchief looks like a tiny wee ghost."
W: "Ooooo, I'm the ghost of Dunkelman..."
P: "Hee."
W: "WAIT, IS IT MANILOW!?!! I LOVE MANILOW!"

Mandisa, "I Don't Hurt Anymore"
W: "Wait, they're not doing Manilow? This is just a Manilow tease!"
P: "That's mean."
W: "And Manilow doesn't like Man-diva."
P: "Wait, no, he does like her!"
W: "He likes her enough to admit he's wrong! He loves her. And she's in the power spot tonight."
P: "That dress is awesome."
W: "I need to find out where that dress is from, because I love it."
[General Mandisa love]
P: "Okay, I'm not even kidding, that just gave me chills."
W: "Even the 'PICK PICKLER' bitch is clapping."
P: "Wow, Simon just called her sexy!"
W: "He likes a little cushion for the pushin'."

Score:
Pie: Well, I'm giving her a 10.
Weet: 10. She is so good!

[Commercials. Blogger goes down for "planned maintenance." Esteban returns.]

Bucky, "Oh Boy"

W: "Manilow hates him. That's what they say when they hate someone, that they're gonna 'enjoy this.'"
P: "He's... there's something wrong with him."
W: "I think his family tree is just a straight line."
P: "I think it's his shampoo."
W: "Have I mentioned I hate his geek fuzz? I hate his geek fuzz, by the way."
P: "I'll make sure that the world is made aware."
Esteban: "It's like Joe Cocker is singing this song."
W: "Also, I think he's wearing high heels."
P: "I like the microphone twirl."
W: "You cannot fake talent with microphone trickery. If it were a baton-twirling competition, he would do splendidly."

Score:
Pie: 4
Weet: 3

Paris, "Fever"

P: "Oh, I love Fever."
W: "That's a hard one to sing."
Esteban: "Yeah, you fuck that one up even a little..."
P: "I predict she'll do well."
W: "Perfect dress. Perfect. Love her hair. Love everything."
P: "She sounds great."
W: "I don't know if she has the same stage presence as Mandisa. But I'm giving her extra points for the earrings."
P: "I think she's got the presence. Hey, Constantine's there!"
W: "That's Constantine? That's the guy where Esteban said 'I smell an air of fat about him.'"

Score:
Pie: 9. I loved it.
Weet: 8. You're the Paula of our duo.

[Site spawns best ad ever: "Parakeet Secrets! Breakthrough book reveals secrets to raising the perfect Parakeet."]

Chris, "I Walk The Line"

W: "There's a lot of people hired to hold Kellie signs in the audience."
P: "Do you feel about Kellie the way my parakeets feel about Kellie?"
W: "Well, I didn't just poop."
P: "I Walk the Line! That's gonna be awesome."
W: "He's growing out his flavor saver. He reads the blog!"
P: "Hee."
W: "He's gonna do the Red Hot Chili Peppers version of 'Walk The Line.'"
P: "Barry: 'Chris is the winner.'"
Esteban: "He's gonna fuck with a classic Johnny Cash tune, and I'm gonna hate him forever."
W: "He's wearing a wallet chain. I want to have sex with him."
Esteban: "Wait, you told me you'd leave me for wearing a wallet chain."
P: "This is awesome."
W: "Yeah."
Esteban: "Sadly, he's doing very well."
P: "I have to download this."
Esteban: "This is the Coldplay version."
W: "Again we've got the Chris lights! Does anyone else get blinky lights and lasers? No."

Score:
Pie: Awesome. AWESOME. A 10.
Weet: I'm giving him a 10, plus a little kiss.
Esteban: I'm giving him in a punch in the nose for moving in on my wife.

Katharine, "Come Rain or Come Shine"

P: "I think she's pretty."
W: "I think she's beautiful."
Esteban: "I'd have to see her boobs and her butt."
W: "Her eyebrows are fabulous."
Esteban: "She looks like Marie Osmond."
W: "She looks like Katie Holmes."
P: "This is just going to be a fabulous night all around. There's her butt."
[Katharine starts singing.]
W: "Oh my god I want to have sex with her."
Esteban: "Okay."
W: "I know we said it's gonna be Chris, but I think Katharine and Mandisa are going to give him a run for his money. She's got presence."
P: "Yeah, she's hot."

Score:
Pie: I might have to give her a 10 too!
Weet: I think she's also worthy of a 10.
Esteban: [suggestively] Yeah, I'd give her a 10.

[Esteban disappears to "play computer games" if you know what we mean.]

Taylor, "Not Fade Away"

W: "See, this is why we should be having a Barry Manilow week. So someone can sing 'Mandy.' And 'Weekend in New England.'"
P: "Why does Taylor have a claw?"
W: "What claw?"
P: "Like his little... claw."
W: "You should blog about this."
P: "I can't explain the claw in words."
W: "You should write a haiku about the claw. And I do NOT like that suit. It looks like--"
Esteban [walking through the room]: "--a lounge singer."
W: "He looks like a wedding singer in the '80s. 'Ladies and gentleman, I'm here to wish Jim and Tina the best years of their lives. And now I'm going to sing a song with a great deal of meaning for them...'"
P: "He's doing the claw again! He's doing the claw. And... the pointing."
W: "They can't show Taylor's parents because Taylor's parents are dead."

Score:
Pie: I give him a 5. It was kind of boring.
Weet: I give him a 6, but only because I'm afraid of his claw.

Lisa, "Why Do Fools Fall In Love?"

P: "Oh she is so toast."
W: "When they showed her, I was like, 'Who?'"
P: "What's with her shorts?"
W: "Are those... capris?"
P: "Aw, she's trying too hard."
W: "Dress capris? Who would ever think that's a good idea? Maybe there was confusion in the dressing room and someone took her dress and then she had to go on? Because those are great shoes."

Score:
Pie: Meh. 4, maybe 3. I don't know. I just didn't like it.
Weet: Snoozer. 4.

Kevin, "When I Fall In Love"

P: "Aw, Kevin."
W: "Doogie! This is actually a very fitting song for him."
Kevin: It's something I look forward to, and it's something that I want to last forever when I get ahold of it. So, you know, hopefully it happens for me.
W: "He just described an erection."
P: "Ha! Barry Manilow is so nurturing."
Esteban [from the next room]: "Twink!"
W: "He looks like he's in show choir and he's about to sing 'Why Are There So Many Songs About Rainbows'"
P: "He looks scared. And awkward. Next, place hand in pocket. Next, stroll across stage."
W: "I love how he's wearing a dress polo. Buttoned to the top, so it brings it up a notch."
P: "Oh my god, Ace is going to be so hot."
W: "You should deduct points for fantasizing about Ace right now. It's like you're cheating on American Idol."
P: "I'm drunk."

Score:
Pie: I was thinking about Ace. So, 4.
Weet: I give him a 6, because he was so earnest. And he didn't ask me why are so many songs about rainbows.

Elliott, "Teach Me Tonight"

W: "I hate his tie. The only way it could be worse is to be a giant red tie with white polka dots."
P: "'Backphrase.' We just learned something."
W: "Teach us, Barry."
P: "I don't like this."
W: "You don't like the wine?"
P: "No, I don't like this song."
W: "This song is actually great. If a woman is singing it."
P: "I don't think it has anything to to with gender, his voice just doesn't do it for me."
W: "Yeah, I'm just not an Elliott fan. Even if he wore a wallet chain."
P: "Eh."
W: "He and Lisa are Team Who. They're just there to draw out the final three."
Paula: I've got goosebumps.
W: "It's the drugs, Paula."

Score:
Pie: 6? Maybe?
Weet: 7, just because he is better than Kevin. Which rhymes!

Kellie, "Walkin' After Midnight"

P: "She looks cute! Except her face looks weird."
W: "She should be wearing a circle skirt."
P: "She should open her eyes. What's wrong with her eyes?"
W: "Hate this. HATE THIS. Hate her really bad bronzer attack. Hate her unsightly panty lines."
P: "How can you even see her panty lines?"
W: "Maybe they're just really unsightly pocket lines. And then she went flat. Did you hear it?"
P: "No. Her face looks so weird, I can't get over it. I love her outfit though."
W: "Her outfit's okay, but... Patsy's upset. Patsy's disappointed."

Score:
Pie: I give her a 7. I know you're going lower than that.
Weet: I give her a 4. Patsy Cline's ghost broke her mike.

Ace, "In The Still of the Night"

W: "I called it; Ace is in the power spot."
P: "He. Is. My. Boyfriend."
W: "He's wearing rouge! He's wearing more rouge than my grandmother."
P: "He..."
W: "You like it when he does that Jesus hands thing. And he's got that shit in his pocket again! I hate the shit in his pocket."
P: "I hate his orangey rouge face."
W: "Whoever got at Kellie Pickler got at Ace."
P: "Yeah."
W: "I like the artificial moon they've got going on."
P: "I like his tongue."
W: "Where would you like his tongue?"
P: "That is not a good note."
W: "No."
P: "Paula's going to sleep with him."
W: "Paula may be on drugs, but Paula's not stupid."

Score:
Pie: I would say an 8. Also, I want him to fuck me.
Weet: I'll give him a 7.

Overall:
1.) 20, Mandisa, Katharine, & Chris (tie)
4.) 17, Paris
5.) 15, Ace
6.) 13, Elliott
7.) 11, Taylor & Kellie (tie)
9.) 10, Kevin
10.) 7.5, Lisa
11.) 7, Bucky

Our bottom for the week was Bucky, but we both concur that Lisa's gone. Thanks for reading!

13 Comments:

Anonymous Martha said...

I LOVE that you're blogging during the show! I want either Bucky or Kevin to go this week, but I think you're right, it's going to be Lisa. She's talented, though, and I think she'll have a great career doing musical theatre.

Katharine was absolutely amazing tonight and she looked stunning! My husband thinks she's hot too. It was a great show. There seems to be a lot of fabulous talent this year.

7:19 PM  
Anonymous ana said...

Hello again, Weet, Mopie & Esteban! I tuned into you while tuning into AI on Mountain Time, while struggling on the elliptical (the hell?) while trying to convince my kiddo that he can occupy himself for 40 minutes. So far I like Katherine and Chris best, but Kellie and Ace have yet to perform. I am looking forward to the bronzer debacle. Thanks for enhancing my multi-tasking experience and cheers to you. Time for wine!

7:44 PM  
Blogger Eden said...

You're right. Lisa's so gone.

Paula: "I've got goosebumps."
W: "It's the drugs, Paula."

Did anyone in America not have that exact exchange?

I heart Chris too hard.

7:47 PM  
Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

Oh ladies...I soooooooooo wish I was there watching with you. I would even brave the wild and wooly winter for it.

My opinions (for what it's worth):
I bow to the goddess that is Mandisa, and I have the total Katherine McFever. Chris: My. Boyfriend. Also, Ace, GAY. My gaydar is rarely off.

Sending you Idol love.

xxxxxBethxxxxx

12:06 AM  
Anonymous Amy D said...

Chris was actually doing the Live version of "I Walk the Line." And I love Chris, in all the ways he deserves to be loved, but he keeps doing what the judges call "his own" versions of things, and they are really someone else's alt/rock versions. I don't care. I would like to be the filling in a Chris/Katharine sandwich.

5:51 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

My household thought the Chris was so damn awesome, we were still talking about it this morning, I have been commanded to download it, ASAP. So, if anyone finds it, let me know please.

I normally like Taylor, dislike Bucky and love Buddy Holly. After last night, Taylor needs to do something to get back on my good side and I totally hate Bucky and wish bad things to him. As for Kevin--I just like him, but he can go although I'd rather wait until Bucky goes home first.

I just wonder how "Signed, Sealed, Delivered" and "How Do Fools..." can possibly be as boring as Lisa made them. It was like I forgot what she was singing while she was performing.

I may be in the minority, but my hatred for Kellie grows every week.

7:07 AM  
Anonymous lisa-marie said...

You guys rock! I love this, it's so fun!

7:55 AM  
Blogger mo pie said...

Kim, Rickey.org has the MP3s and videos up almost immediately; I don't know how he does it. But go there and you'll find the song. We downloaded it last night.

8:08 AM  
Blogger Bozoette said...

You two can really pick 'em!

9:45 AM  
Anonymous Sundry said...

The claw! Haaaaa. I love me some Taylor, but we were also reacting to the weird T-rex hand action he had going on. Also, Ace's mouth was doing something freaky during his song, like he was being reeled by a fishhook (a ...*gay* fishhook?) . ALSO ALSO, Kellie's face was a terrifying coral-shaded zombie rictus of doom, and shut UP about the goddamn mink already, you country-fried airhead.

I. Love. This. Blog.

11:08 AM  
Anonymous Trance said...

I LOVE CHRIS. I just love him. He shall win. Awesome.

And Katharine who I would like to hate because she is so, so fine, was awesome, too. And she DOES look like Marie Osmond, you totally nailed it.

Kevin the Keebler Elf was totally trying to score at the junior high school dance.

I still want to fuck Ace's brains out, but I hope this does not turn into a Constantine Situation in which he starts mugging for the camera and trying to be all pretty. Because that would be WHACK.

I think Lisa or Elliot is gone, but probably Lisa, and I am with Sundry, SHUT THE FUCK UP, Kellie.

Also, please fire the blind makeup artist - thank you.

1:14 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

Once again I am late on the comment adding, but I did want to partake.
I also think it will be Lisa gone this week. However, I would like to hope that it will be Kevin or Kellie. Everytime Kellite speaks I have brain cells that commit suicide.
And Ace? Still looking fine - if someone rouged up. And I agree with Jen on the whole Constantine situation.

2:59 PM  
Blogger Kendra said...

Kellie's makeup freaked me out -- she looked like a total drag queen. And what's with the my-tank-top-is-a-dress thing?

Bucky sucked, although I feel bad for him because I think the band was playing a joke on him... they made his song sound like a showtune. Bad bad bad.

Mandisa rocks.

I can't get over the Elliott = Alf thing.

4:41 PM  

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