Friday, May 28, 2010

It's Kristy Lee Cook's Fault: Finale Performance and Results!

Weetabix: So, I'm spoiled, I assume you are too?
Mo Pie: Oh yeah. I didn't even bother trying not to be spoiled. I don't even care.
Weetabix: I got spoiled on Facebook.
Mo Pie: Well, my demographic theory has died a painful death.
Weetabix: I enjoyed that story you linked to on NPR about Lee DeWyze, and how he supposedly has a "compelling story" because he's a paint salesman? That is ridiculous because EVERYONE had a shit job before being on this show. Except Jordin Sparks who had famous parents. And way to detract from Crystal being a single mom, bringing her child to the auditions?
Mo Pie: No kidding.
Weetabix: This whole show is going to be filler, isn't it?
Mo Pie: Yes.
Weetabix: [Sigh]
Mo Pie: I read... that Kristy Lee Cook is to blame for this. Remember her? Because the last three winners have been Kris and Lee and Cook.
Weetabix: That's ridiculous. That's like numerology bullshit.
Mo Pie: No, it's real! It's Kristy's fault!
Weetabix: I just think they're so pissed at themselves for eliminating Chris Daughtry that they're just shoving boring white guys down our throats. They don't want to miss another Chris.
Mo Pie: Good point?
Weetabix: Remember the old American Idol, when all the black contestants were awesome and all the white contestants sucked? I miss that American Idol.

Lee, "The Boxer"

Mo Pie: What song is this?
Weetabix: It's Simon and Garfunkel, Lite Radio. I think it was on a week we missed.
Mo Pie: Surprisingly, I don't know it.
Weetabix: I think Lee is a nice person. He's marginally more interesting than Kris Allen, which is not hard.
Mo Pie: I agree that I have nothing against Lee. Which is why I don't really care.
Weetabix: He seems like a nice guy. Like a guy you'd call before a party and he'd stop and get ice. Which I can respect. Like, he'd help you move. Unlike Chris Daughtry.
Mo Pie: I think Daughtry would help you move!
Weetabix: I think Daughtry would have a thing. And then he'd sleep with your mom.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: I don't think we'll remember Lee in three years. He's a younger Taylor Hicks, but without a claw.
Mo Pie: I think it depends 100% on what kind of songs he writes. If he has good songs, he'll be fine.
Weetabix: I agree, he can totally pull off the John Mayer/Jack Johnson thing. 
Mo Pie: So this is Simon's last thingy.
Weetabix: Yeah, his last time judging.
Mo Pie: What a way to go out. On two kind of boring people.
Weetabix: Crystal's marginally interesting. She's not boring!
Mo Pie: That's why I said "kind of" boring. She's no Lamberrr.
Weetabix: No.

Crystal, "Me and Bobby McGee"

Mo Pie: I have this on my iPod.
Weetabix: It's very good.
Mo Pie: I think Crystal will be fine. I think they both got signed to the same label, so who cares?
Weetabix: Oh, is it a "who cares?" American Idol finale?
Mo Pie: As opposed to what?
Weetabix: True.
Mo Pie: I mean, I would have liked to break the streak of white guys with guitars... it's the law of diminishing returns.
Weetabix: I bet Jason Castro's just so pissed.
Mo Pie: Hee! Really though, David Cook was the best.
Weetabix: If for nothing else than he did Phantom of the Opera, and it made me pregnant.
Mo Pie: Right.
Weetabix: That was good. Wow, Randy has actually put on your granfather's sport coat.
Mo Pie: And it's too short for him.
Weetabix: It's something. He's going to usher me to my seat at the theater.
Mo Pie: Oh, Kara. Die in a fire.
Weetabix: Maybe the vaccuum left by Simon Cowell leaving will suck her in, kind of into a black hole situation.
Mo Pie: That is now my new dream!
Weetabix: Manifest that.

Lee Dwyze "Everybody Hurts"

Mo Pie: I don't like his hair. There's too much of it. And when did people start loving Lee Dewyze? He's been all over Twitter for the last two weeks.
Weetabix: STILL! He's still trending!
Mo Pie: Was it just that Simon Cowell said "here, America, here is a gospel choir and a fog machine. Love him."
Weetabix: Apparently. People are sheep.
Mo Pie: I don't think that love is going to last, the love based on a fog machine.
Weetabix: That is very wise.
Mo Pie: Is there a teleprompter back there? Wasn't that a big deal, that they have to learn all the words?
Weetabix: Maybe when you're in the finale, it doesn't matter anymore?
Mo Pie: There's another gospel choir! I guess it's working. They have made Lee the Idol, for better or worse.
Weetabix: True.
Mo Pie: What is that shirt that Randy is wearing under my grandfather's sport coat? It's like pink and red paisley... oh Randy. He's taking up the mantle of the wacky outfits left by Paula.
Weetabix: Yeah.
Mo Pie: Oh Kara. I hate her pokey out ears. Her stupid smug little face. It's really the only thing I care about this season: my hatred of Kara.

Crystal "Black Velvet"

Mo Pie: Oh I love this song! I am interested! Don't let me down, Crystal.
Weetabix: Maybe if you wish enough, she'll win.
Mo Pie: I just want a performance I would enjoy, but maybe I could turn back time. She looks uncomfortable in that dress. She looks kind of super uncomfortable.
Weetabix: You know what she looks like? She walks just like Jake in drag.
Mo Pie: So we know what Jake's Halloween costume is going to be this year! Oh, I don't know, I'm back to not caring so much again. She doesn't sound as good as Alannah Miles. I'm sorry, she doesn't.
Weetabix: Well, she has to sound as good as Crystal Bowersox and I don't think she even did that.
Mo Pie: No, I think she could do much better than that and I'll bet that the studio version sounds much better.
Weetabix: I would like to point out that Simon's shirt is unbuttoned to the fourth button.
Mo Pie: Do you have a Simon Cowell thing now?
Weetabix: I've always had a Simon thing. I enjoy his chest.
Mo Pie: He's got a hairy dad chest.
Weetabix: A dad chest?
Mo Pie: Yeah, he looks like your dad or something.
Weetabix: Not MY dad, but maybe my Daddy.
Mo Pie: Oh god.

Lee, "Beautiful Day"

Mo Pie: So this is the single? I'm curious about this.
Weetabix: Did that horrible writer write it? I mean not Kara, but the other one. Trenyce?
Mo Pie: No, it's U2. This was the single on World Idol. Where Kelly lost to that Norwegian guy.
Weetabix: The one that looked like a hobbit? You told me about this.
Mo Pie: I loved him!
Weetabix: Kurt Nillsen? I know this because I have the contents of your iPod on my computer. Every so often it will come on randomly. Like "Rent" in Dutch.
I'm not compelled by Lee's voice.
Mo Pie: Me either. He's no Norwegian hobbit.
Weetabix: Not many people are. He is better at emoting now, though. At least now his emotion is reaching his face.
Mo Pie: Too bad that emotion is often "I pooped my pants."
Weetabix: It disturbs me that you know what that emotion looks like.
Mo Pie: Heh.
Weetabix: I don't think Lee DeWyze is very tall. He looks kinda stubby up there.
Mo Pie: Are there 72 violinists behind him? It's like "The Music Man" up there.
Weetabix: Well they used up the gospel choir. Crystal got to stand awkwardly by herself in heels that don't fit. Lee has the entire show up there and the lights are going crazy. It's just unfair.
Mo Pie: How could Lee be the Chosen One though? It makes no sense?
Weetabix: Maybe because it became evident early on tht Crystal wasn't going to let herself be led. While Lee was like "go ahead, mold me."
Mo Pie: That's a good theory. I just think his voice is very generic.
Weetabix: I agree. But Kara felt it was commercial. Which to me seems like on Top Model where they say you're good for catalog.
Mo Pie: I think that's probably an exact analogy.  And here comes Simon and his "Lee worked at a paint shop!" thing.
Weetabix: They've mentioned it like four times so far.
Mo Pie: Mabe it's the idea that Crystal doesn't need to win to succeed?
Weetabix: This isn't Amercia's charity. Kristy Lee Cook apparently needed to win, because she's haunting the show.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: That doesn't even make sense. It's not Kristy Lee David.... there have been hundreds of contsestants on this show. It's just totally random.
Mo Pie: Well, if a "Ty" wins next year to complete the "Kristy"...
Weetabix: Fine. Then I will be contrite.

Crystal, "Up to the Mountain"

Mo Pie: What song is this?
Weetabix: It's "Up to the Moutain".. the single she'll release.
Mo Pie: No, I mean where did it come from?
Weetabix: The ether?
Mo Pie: I hope they release it anyway. Oh, she's got pretty lighting!
Weetabix: She does! And a gospel choir. But the choir singers are not lit.
Mo Pie: What radio station would this song be on?
Weetabix: Christian FM maybe?
Mo Pie: No wonder she didn't win. They don't know what station to put her on.
Weetabix: And you don't go on Christian FM with that hair and that tattoo on your back.
Mo Pie: Well she sounds terrific.
Weetabix: Yeah, better than "Black Velvet." I'm just distracted by the fact that she hasn't changed her earrings, despite having three totally different outfits.  And the earrings don't go with that necklace at all, but that necklace is awesome.
Mo Pie: I agree with you. And that performance was very good!
Weetabix: It's very heartbreaking. I think this whole time she hasn't let herself want this. And this is the first time she actually seemed like she wanted this--she seemed nervous during the second performance.
Mo Pie: Yeah, I agree. And Randy's all suffused with emotion! And Ellen was just like "you're not derivative of the last two winners! yay!" Hahaha Ellen. "If you make a salad, I'll eat it!"
Weetabix: Ellen's just going to be her groupie.
Mo Pie: Oh goodie. Kara's going to tell us how it is. I think she just said the same thing you did, though.
Weetabix: Yeah, except I didn't say it so douchey.
Mo Pie: Oh, a little tribute to Simon from Crystal!
Weetabix: He looks touched. And Kara tried to jump in on that there.
Mo Pie: Simon's final critique!
Weetabix: Awww. Aw Simon. Unbutton your shirt more.
Mo Pie: I'm glad I didn't know this about Simon being your daddy like five seasons ago.


Mo Pie: Predictions?
Weetabix: I predict America does not have enough boring bland white guys on their radio stations.
Mo Pie: Good guess!
Weetabix: They want another Chris Daughtry.


Mo Pie: They gave Taylor a ticket! They didn't make Old Man Hicks sit in the balcony! I'm excited to see the old Idols.
Weetabix: What are the old Idols? Explain.
Mo Pie: The previous winners from past seasons.
Weetabix: Do they get to sing?
Mo Pie: I hope so! Oooh, who is that blonde girl. Is she on this show?
Weetabix: I don't know, but she's kind of hot.
Mo Pie: I have no idea who that is! Oh my gosh, there's Tim Urban, I had forgotten he existed.
Weetabix: Why is Lacey on there. Because she's Top 12? But she's not on the tour.
Mo Pie: That blonde girl isn't in the Top 12. What's with the creepy zombie choir? That's just creepy.
Weetabix: Well, it's an Alice Cooper song.
Mo Pie: Oh my gosh, that's Alice Cooper for real! I loved him before Wayne's World!
Weetabix: When I was a little kid, my stepdad had that album and I'd look at it and be fascinated because it was the creepiest album ever. There was a spider on it!
Mo Pie: I just downloaded "Poison" for Rock Band. That's my favorite Alice Cooper song. Oh my gosh, Alice Cooper is kind of old.
Weetabix: Did you not just listen to my little story of looking at his album when I was like five?
Mo Pie: I know but I prefer to think of us as being younger people.
Weetabix: Oh, right. Well, maybe he was forty when he put out that album.

Kris Allen

Mo Pie: I really do actually enjoy Kris Allen. I love that "Live Like You're Dying" song and I still have residual Kradam love from all the Kradam fanfic I've read since last year.
Weetabix: How much is that?
Mo Pie: Um. A lot.
Weetabix: This isn't terrible. He's still white. And a man.
Mo Pie: But I do enjoy little Kris Allen.
Weetabix: He seems to have gained quite a bit more confidence. He's got more presence.
Mo Pie: The thing is, Lee Dewyze really was a Kris Allen this season. He wasn't a front runner and then all of a sudden, it was like whoa, he won? Where did he come from? I don't know if I like this song though.
Weetabix: I think I'll like it after I've heard it on the radio 20 times.
Mo Pie: That is how Kris Allen works.
Weetabix: He gets under your skin.
Mo Pie: LIVE LIKE YOU'RE DYING! [singing] There's eighty six four hundred seconds in a day... la la la la.... sorry. The thing with Chris Daughtry is that when I hear his songs for the first time, I instantly know I will like them. It does not take 20 listens for me.
Weetabix: Right.
Mo Pie: I really wish Adam would come out and sing with Kris. But that's because I'm creepy. Was that Bo Bice? Bo Bice in the audience?
Weetabix: Here comes the Simon thing!
Mo Pie: Is this going to be boring or exciting? Let's watch. This show will not be the same without Simon. Ok, that was mildly entertaining. I want more Simon Cowell montages. And I want Kara's sparkly bracelet.

Siobhan and Hoo Haa

Mo Pie: [Laughing at the fact that Weetabix has just typed "Siobhan and Hoo Haa" as a subhead.]
Weetabix: Well I didn't know who it was!
Mo Pie: Hoo Haa is Aaron Kelly. And THIS is a Lite Radio song.
Weetabix: Oh, big time.
Mo Pie: This is the most incongruous love duet ever. Hoo Haa is much smaller than Siobhan.
Weetabix: He's going to swallow her whole... IT'S THE GIBBS!
Mo Pie: [singing] It's the Barry Gibb Talk Show....
Weetabix: This makes me happy.  These people in the audience don't know who the Gibbs are. I bet Hoo Haa doesn't know who they are.
Mo Pie: I'm very sad.  We could have been calling him Hoo Haa all season.
Weetabix: Why does Robin have transition lenses from Lens Crafters on?
Mo Pie: Where are Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake?
Weetabix: That would actually be much more fun, although I love the Gibbs.
Mo Pie: No I mean, replace Siobhan and Hoo Haa with them.
Weetabix: Oh, that would be a perfect storm! Jordin Sparks is singing along in the audience, annoyed she wasn't allowed to sing.
Mo Pie: Does Old Man Hicks still look pissed off?
Weetabix: He kinda looks like George Clooney.
Mo Pie: Well that's appropriate, since George Clooney is like 60.
Weetabix: He is not! He can't be sixty! I'm looking it up. [Looks it up] He's not even 50! He just turned 49.
Mo Pie: Oops. Sorry, George! My point is, Taylor Hicks still looks old.
Weetabix: And I just found possibly the only non-sexy picture of George Clooney ever.

Michael Lynche

Weetabix: I'm paused on Michael Lynche, who I thought for a second was Ruben.
Mo Pie: I hope Ruben actually comes out.
Weetabix: Oh my god, I hop they bring out Michael McDonald now! I love him!
Mo Pie: I have no idea who that is.
Weetabix: He's Lite FM.
Mo Pie: Well I'm not a student of Lite FM, just a listener.
Weetabix: He's allways like "fooohhhhhhhhh fhhhooooooooo" like that.
Mo Pie: I have just done my best to type that sound effect.
Weetabix: I called it. There he is!
Mo Pie: "Fnnrrrr fuuuh...." Do the sound again!
Weetabix: I can't do it now, I'm laughing too hard. But am I right? That's what he sounds like?
Mo Pie: Sure! Michael has a giant wallet chain. It seems to be made of aluminum foil. 
Weetabix: It sure is huge. Well... we've all heard that.
Mo Pie: Fnnnnrrrrr! Fuuhhrrrnrrrrrr!

Dane Cook

Mo Pie: Yay, more Simon montage! And Dane Cook? Not David Cook?
Weetabix: Oh shut, up really?
Mo Pie: I thought you were in love with Dane Cook.
Weetabix: I have an unfortunate attraction to douchebags. He is on my list of shame, of people I would sleep with.
Mo Pie: I would rather see a montage than Dane Cook.
Weetabix: I'm just enjoying the view.
Mo Pie: You have issues.
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: I did admit the fanfiction thing, so...
Weetabix: That's really what Weetapidol is all about. Us admitting our fatal flaws.
Weetabix: Oh my god, they brought back the people they've mocked in the past.
Mo Pie: Is Pants on the Ground man there?
W I don't know Pants on the Ground man. And they just cut that off because it was dumb. This is a lot of filler.

Christina Aguilera Medley

Mo Pie: This reminds me of Glee. Mercedes sang this in concert and it was good.
Weetabix: See, and that's the thing: I would be very excited if instead of Christina Aguilera coming out, Mercedes comes out.
Mo Pie: I would enjoy it if someone with talent came out.
Weetabix: Who is that?
Mo Pie: That's that Didi chick?
Weetabix: She's showing a ton of tit.
Mo Pie: Boy there's a lot of bum notes in this group. Except Crystal, of course. I do enjoy Siobhan's ripped tights, though.
Weetabix: I honestly do not remember half of these girls.
Mo Pie: Well, Paige was awful, Lacey was awful, Katie was kind of awful and Didi and Siobhan were kind of cool.
Weetabix: Aw yeah, I totally called that!
Mo Pie: Yay Christina!!
Weetabix: She didn't really do anything. All she did was stand and point.
Mo Pie: Yeah, that was very anticlimatic. Wait, maybe she's going to sing now, right? You don't have Christina Aguilera on and don't let her sing. Ok, she's going to sing.
Weetabix: Phew. I like HER tights.
Mo Pie: Yeah!
Weetabix: This must be her new single.
Mo Pie: One of the suggestions I heard for the show now that Simon is gone is because he's anti-Broadway, is to bring in some Broadway! Do some show tunes! I would watch the hell out of that.
Weetabix: Would you watch the hell out of that even if Jamie Foxx was the judge?
Mo Pie: Uh, no, I would not watch the Jamie Foxx parts. But I did love the Legally Blonde reality show. Even though the musical kind of sucked, the reality show was so much fun! Yeah, this is a boring song.
Weetabix: They need a lot of filler.
Mo Pie: Can we ff?
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: Oh my god, have Ricky Gervais be the new judge! Oh my god, I would watch that for sure. FOR SURE!
Weetabix: If we're picking dream judges, then I'm just going to say it right now. Eddie Izzard.
Mo Pie: Oh my god, that would be good.
Weetabix: I feel like it needs to be someone British. They like to put us in our place.
Mo Pie: I love Ricky Gervais. He should be the judge. He knows nothing about music but who cares?
Weetabix: Yeah, Jamie Foxx. He knows nothing about music either!
Mo Pie: I refuse to believe Jamie Foxx is going to be it. It would be the worst choice ever. Ever. EVERRRRR.

Hall and Oates Medley

Weetabix: Oh no, not Hall and Oates. Apparently it's "haul out every performer from the 80s and Christina Aguilera" night.
Mo Pie: Does that mean we're going to get Duran Duran? Because that would be exciting.
Weetabix: No, they're too good for this show. Wow, Andrew Garcia, you're kind of lousy. You don't realize how lousy some of them are until they come back for the finale and open their mouths.
Mo Pie: I wonder if people are actually going to go to this tour.
Weetabix: Well the Glee tour is out there. If I'm going to get my girly fix of the summer it's going to be Glee, and not this bullshit.
Mo Pie: But Glee is only going to four cities.  There's not that many tickets.
Weetabix: Yeah I know. It was in Chicago last weekend and I should have bought tickets, but I didn't.
Mo Pie: It was so gooooooood.
Weetabix: I think I'm just getting crowdphobic. 
Mo Pie: Is that Hall and/or Oates?
Weetabix: Yes, that's Hall. And John Oates there has got the Jewfro.
Mo Pie: I thought he had like a mustache?
Weetabix: He used to. Now apparently he's gone soul patch.
Mo Pie: Oh Lee. Oh Hall and/or Oates. Bored now.
Weetabix: I have to say I do enjoy "Sarah Smiles." I think that's the only good Hall and Oates song.  Are you secretly fuffing?
Mo Pie: No, I'm not, but let's ff.

Alanis Morrisette

Mo Pie: We've now moved into the 90s with Alanis.
Weetabix: Who, by the way, I'm related to. I've told you that before, haven't I? My mother's maiden name is Morrisette.
Mo Pie: Well maybe your cousin or aunt or whatever will show up in a second.
Weetabix: Perhaps. She did not call and alert me.
Mo Pie: Yes, of course, there she is.
Weetabix: You know what the queer thing is though? She actually does look like my mother in some ways. Her nose. Even though I don't think that's her nose. But she kind of has the same bone structure and the same body structure.
Mo Pie: "Would she go down with you to the theater"????
Weetabix: Hahahaha! That's awesome. No, I will not go down with you to the theater!
Mo Pie: That's funny. That's like "I am tired of these these mother-flower snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane."
Weetabix: Did you ever see the cover that Alanis did of "My Humps"? I enjoy that.
Mo Pie: Yes. That was good. And so is this!
Weetabix: That was delightful. That's the first performance that I didn't want to ff.

Carrie Underwood

Mo Pie: I'm excited to see Carrie. That's a little weird, but I like her songs.
Weetabix: I swear that's the same intro as her "right now" song.
Mo Pie: I want Kristin Chenoweth to come sing it with her, like on Glee!
Weetabix: That would be awesome! No, there won't be any Glee crossovers, damnit. There should be though. They should have that as a reality show, trying out for Glee.
Mo Pie: They're having that show! They're casting Kurt's boyfriend, a love interest for Mercedes, and a Carrie Underwood type. I actually cannot wait for that show!
Weetabix: Ooh. Yeah, it will be good.
Mo Pie: I don't know at what point I stared enjoying Carrie, even though I've heard she's a total bitch. I also enjoy her outfit.
Weetabix: I was gonna say. It's like a country dominatrix thing.
Mo Pie: I enjoy this song. I would probably listen to this. Wow, her teeth are super white! And wow, Kara co-wrote that song?
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: And yet I didn't hate it.

Casey James "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Mo Pie: Yeah, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"! This is a good song for Casey! Plus, he's going to get to meet fresh-out-of-a-coma Bret Michaels!
Weetabix: Ha!
Mo Pie: Yay Bret Michaels! You're alive! Unlike Gary Coleman!
Weetabix: What makes you say that? I mean I know he died today and all, but....
Mo Pie: Well, Bret Michaels was hanging on by a thread due to a head injury and then Gary Coleman had a head injury apparently and he just died, so... logic!
Weetabix: Oh yeah, you're right!
Mo Pie: I actually hadn't thought about the head injury connection, though, I was really thinking celebrity deaths and almost deaths. But I'm glad that Bret Michaels made it.
Weetabix: Go Bret Michaels!
Mo Pie: Go you and your living!

Lee Dewyze and Chicago!

Weetabix: Again, the 80s. Christina's got to be feeling kind of bad right now.
Mo Pie: Well, Alanis was the 90s, right? So they can hang out outside this little time warp that the show is on. Wait, was Poison the 80s?
Weetabix: Yeah, 1988ish.
Mo Pie: Oh, go little Chicago man!
Weetabix: That's Peter Cetera!
Mo Pie: Really?
Weetabix: Yeah, that's what Peter Cetera did before he had a solo career. He was in Chicago.
Mo Pie: It's so weird that they have all of these bands that the audience has no idea who they are.
Weetabix: I know, it's like Guy Lombardo would be to us. We'd be like "Huh?"
Mo Pie: Think of how awesome it was last time when they had Adam and Kris singing with Queen.
Weetabix: Another band that the audience didn't know.
Mo Pie: Well, they had Queen week, so the audience knew that they did Bohemian Rhapsody. Or maybe I'm just projecting.

Pants on the Ground

Mo Pie: I love how the memorable moments Ryan just listed were Kelly, Fantasia, and Adam. Winner, winner, and runner up.
Weetabix: Winner, winner, and chicken dinner.
Mo Pie: Ha! And it is the Pants on the Ground man!
Weetabix: I don't even know who this guy is.
Mo Pie: He's the Pants on the Ground man!
Weetabix: I've gathered.
Mo Pie: He's vaguely confused so this is a little unfortunate. Oh god, William Hung. We don't need William Hung again, show.
Weetabix: He's got to be what, now, forty?
Mo Pie: William Hung was like, five seasons ago?
Weetabix: Wasn't he first season?
Mo Pie: I thought it was like third season? Hmm.

Paula Montage

Mo Pie: Do you think they're going to bring Paula back net season?
Weetabix: No.
Mo Pie: I've heard rumors.
Weetabix: They need a mean person. A mean, preferably British person.
Mo Pie: I heard they might replace Kara with Paula.
Weetabix: That is in your dreams. You are daydreaming.
Mo Pie: Don't make fun of Randy's man-boobs, Paula. Randy's not mean, he doesn't deserve that.
Weetabix: True. Aw, Paula's tribute was very sweet. AND THERE'S PAULA! Or as Simon would say [British acccent] "POULA." Why is she getting a standing ovation? All she did was walk on the stage?
Mo Pie: Everyone misses her!
Weetabix: She looks so cute there in her red dress! I hope she goes and face plants on Kara.
Mo Pie: Ellen and Paula! Have they even met?
Weetabix: Maybe not.
Mo Pie: This is kind of filler, though.
Weetabix: Yeah, this is kind of awkward.
Mo Pie: We don't need... this. She's gonna give a speech?
Weetabix: You know what this reminds me of? Weddings where the drunken bridesmaid goes up to give a toast and you can't get the microphone away from her.
Mo Pie: She's even wearing kind of a bridesmaid's dress.
Weetabix: And all the of the jewelry from all the other bridesmaids.
Mo Pie: And she's still talking.
Weetabix: It's like no time has passed, because she's just rambling, except she doesn't have Simon to cut her off.
Mo Pie: And she's not saying, like, magic fluffy kitty unicorn. But just give her a second.
Weetabix: They musicked her off.  Aw, little flashback Kelly! And Dunkleman! For just a second.
Mo Pie: They didn't bring him out to give a speech?
Weetabix: He's too busy valeting Paula's car.
Mo Pie: Ha!

Previous Idols

Weetabix: KELLY!!
Mo Pie: KELLY!!! Aw, it's the very first Idol! And there's Ruben!
Weetabix: Wow, Ruben has loist a significant amount of weight. Fantasia!
Mo Pie: I love Fantasia!
Weetabix: And Carrie was already there.
Mo Pie: They're not gonna let Taylor sing.  There's Jordin! They really did just skip him.
Weetabix: They did! Oh... there he is.
Mo Pie: Go, Old Man Hicks! And there's Kris.... I wonder where David Cook is?
Weetabix: Maybe he's just not coming out. Aren't we missing someone else?
Mo Pie: Lee?
Weetabix: Oh well. Yeah, where is David Cook?
Mo Pie: There must be a good reason. People who are way more famous than him are there.
Weetabix: Did you see that? Kelly just had to usher Paula off Simon's lap. There was drama.
Weetabix: There's Castro! Ace Young and Justin Guarini! And douchey penis-nosed whats his face?
Mo Pie: Constantine is there?
Weetabix: They're all wearing white like the've died. Oh, Elliot! Elliot Yamin! I'm surprised they didn't get J. Hud.
Mo Pie: There's Archuleta!
Weetabix: Jordin didn't get the memo that she wasn't supposed to wear white like the also rans.
Mo Pie: There's no Lamberrrr.
Weetabix: Because he's too good for this show.
Mo Pie: Ruben looks fancy.
Weetabix: Oh my god, so now Simon's unbuttoned to the fifth button.
Mo Pie: Paula did that.
Weetabix: Why is Paula going up? Now they have the smoke of the dead.
Mo Pie: I don't know who some of those people are up there.
Weetabix: No. I see Archuleta. The guy with the fro is Justin Guarini.
Mo Pie: But who's the blonde next to Guarini?
Weetabix: Katherine McPhee? She's blonde now, right?
Mo Pie: No... that's not Katherine, I don't think... I just want them to show all the people.
Weetabix: They're just going to rob us of that. They just showed quick clips.
Mo Pie: They kept Taylor out of all those shots.
[We rewind and try to spot more people]
Mo Pie: I'm sad they didn't make more of this... like, people like Diana Digarmo should have been able to sing.
Weetabix: Fuck yeah.
Mo Pie: I mean, Diana and Bo came in second place, they weren't like total also-rans.
Weetabix: Most of the second place finishers were there... Guarini, Archuleta... and I think McPhee was there somewhere.
Mo Pie: I still don't see McPhee, but I wanted more singing from the old Idols!

TOP 12, Janet Jackson

Mo Pie: I would much rather see the people from previous seasns like this boring-ass top 12.
Weetabix: Well, the argument could be made that the boring-ass top 12, this is their time. The other people had their time. But you're right. I would actually like to see all of them sing at some point. Oh, Janet Jackson! Another person from the 80s. Although she was actually 90s too.
Mo Pie: She's kind of like the same as Paula Abdul.
Weetabix: Maybe she could replace Kara. Why is she wearing the evil queen from Snow White clothes?
Mo Pie: Why isn't Diana DiGarmo singing? I like her! 
Weetabix: It really does unnerve me how much Janet's voice sounds like Michael's.
Mo Pie: Especially right now, in this song. Like, it could be the same person if you close your eyes.
Weetabix: That's what I'm saying.
Mo Pie: This is unfortunately boring though.
Weetabix: If this were Constantine, I'd be listening.
Mo Pie: There are weird dancers but it's more lively!
Weetabix: Ooh, she's going to dance! She's changing behind a screen!
Mo Pie: She's dancing kind of weirdly.
Weetabix: She's old.
Mo Pie: She's not that old.
Weetabix: She's sixty, like George Clooney.
Mo Pie: Hahahaha! You're so mean.

Lee and Crystal

Mo Pie: Isn't Joe Cocker kind of the same as Taylor Hicks?
Weetabix: Pretty much.
Mo Pie: Who cares!
Weetabix: Oh god, he forgot the words. Quite honestly, I thought he was dead. Like, of a drug overdose years ago.
Mo Pie: Apparently not.
Weetabix: I think I confused him with John Belushi.
Mo Pie: Last chance to say... "Predictions?"
Both: Hahahahahah!
Mo Pie: Oh, Lee is crying! Oh, little Lee.
Weetabix: I think they tell them before they go out.
Mo Pie: They are both certainly acting like it's about to be Lee.
Weetabix: I think they both know.
Mo Pie: Oh he didn't even hug Crystal!
Weetabix: So much for getting by with a little help from their friends.
Mo Pie: I really don't understand how this happened but... you go, Lee Dewyze. Now he's going to sing his song. I just don't think he's got a very interesting voice--I don't know. I think I've made my point. And also, I'm still disappointed Diana DiGarmo didn't get to sing.
Weetabix: Any closing words for the season?
Mo Pie: The season was really boring. And... I don't know, they're going to have to do something to get me back next season. What do you think?
Weetabix: Where Mopie goes, so goes my nation.
Mo Pie: I also heard the idea that they could do an All Star season with all the people who didn't win. Like Daughtry! and Adam Lamberrr and Clay Aiken. Can you imagine? The dueling fan bases?
Weetabix: Oh my god, you would be so conflicted!
Mo Pie: I know, I would probably go Adam Lamberr. I love him! But oh my god, Daughtry would be there too! I don't know! So that's my prediction, I want them to do that and also have Ricky Gervais be the judge. Oh, and do Broadway songs.

Weetapidol out!

P.S. Congratulations Carly for winning the Weetapidol pool! Email us your address and your American Idol-related prize of choice! And see you next season! ...Maybe.

Thursday, May 20, 2010

Top 3 Night: We Can't Just Sugar Free Kool-Aid This Bitch.

Weetabix: I'm embarrassed when Ryan tries to bring any legitimacy to the intros.
Mo Pie: Me too. This isn’t the Oscars, Ryan.
Weetabix: Oh, he let the Idols say "This is American Idol"! This might be a first.
Mo Pie: It might just be!
Weetabix: Judging by the Twitter feed, and the fact that Lee DeWyze is singing one of my favorite songs tonight, I had to drink the wines. I can't just Sugar Free Kool-Aid this bitch.
Mo Pie: Hee!
Weetabix: I have this theory that Lee is doing do well because America is sad they didn't vote for Danny Gokey. Either that or they really think he's BJ Novak.
Mo Pie: I still think Crystal's going to win.
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: I'm calling it. Crystal.
Weetabix: Randy is wearing a repeat sweater!
Mo Pie: So he is!

Casey, "Okay, It's Alright With Me"

Mo Pie: I don't know this song.
Weetabix: Me either. It must be country.
Mo Pie: There's no suspense here. Casey is going home.
Weetabix: We’ll find out by the time we're done blogging this, because the results will be in.
Mo Pie: I stopped expecting any upsets this season. I guess Siobhan leaving was an upset.
Weetabix: Siobhan was a big shocker! Either her or Michael Lynche.
Mo Pie: The first time or the second time?
Weetabix: The first time. The second time was more like, “Are you gone yet?"
Mo Pie: This is just boring me. Which is my standard reaction this season.
Weetabix: Yeah. This song, it's been now done, and I already don't remember it anymore. Also, the light seemed to be making bowling pins on the stage. Casey lights seem to be a fail.
Mo Pie: I love how Randy got to give a shout out to his favorite word, "Alright."
Weetabix: It's the little things, for Randy.
Mo Pie: I do enjoy Ellen's sweater.
Weetabix: I'm pretty sure I had a sweater like that in 1992, that I wore with LL Bean Duck Shoes.
Mo Pie: I don't know what that means, but I would buy the hell out of that sweater. I think Emma Pillsbury has a similar sweater on Glee.
Weetabix: Ah, but there it was paired with a necklace or a bow-like scarf.
Mo Pie: "Casey sounds like a busker" is pretty good criticism from Simon!
Weetabix: That was fairly astute. Casey is a busker.
Mo Pie: Oh, Blonde Ace. I will... sort of miss you.
Weetabix: In your pants.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come to My Window”

Weetabix: Crystal has got some kind of creepy necklace, it's coming right out of her throat.
Mo Pie: I think that's called a harmonica.
Weetabix: No, also that, but a necklace! Coming out of her throat!
Mo Pie: Oh yeah! It's like a tree or something.
Weetabix: Maybe it's the physical representation of her voice?
Mo Pie: I'm excited that she's doing Melissa Etheridge. She's had her guitar signed and everything by Melissa Etheridge. But it's awkward to have that harmonica just sticking out there. I think she should have lost the harmonica.
Weetabix: It does make her hold her head strangely, singing around it.
Mo Pie: I feel that there's no surprises about this. It's totally Crystal. It's great, but what else have you got? And also, I didn't get an Adam Lamberrr ticket this morning. They sold out. I thought I was going to get one!
Weetabix: I'm sorry to hear that.
Mo Pie: I can get them from craigslist or something, but my point was, I cannot imagine trying this hard to get a Crystal Bowersox ticket. I'm imagining myself a year from today and I can't see myself wanting to go see a Crystal Bowersox concert.
Weetabix: Oh sure, Ellen, of course you love this song, it's about a lesbian.
Mo Pie: Kara's just going to call the singer “Melissa.” You're not a lesbian, Kara, you don’t get to use her first name. You're not in the lesbian club so you just shut it.
Weetabix: Hee.
Mo Pie: I agree with Simon. She's no Adam Lamberrr.
Weetabix: It's not about your son being healthy. It's about standing outside some woman's window that you want to have sex with!
Mo Pie: Yes, she's missed that point completely. It's about eating pussy, Crystal!

Lee DeWyze, "Simple Man"

Weetabix: I keep getting him confused with Danny Gokey. I keep thinking, is he from Milwaukee?
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: So how many boring white guys will have won in a row if Lee wins?
Mo Pie: Three?
Weetabix: I think it's a shoutout to “Dear Mo Pie, Your Demographic Theory? Forget It.” Because if it comes down to Casey and Lee...
Mo Pie: Ugh, I know.
Weetabix: What a sucktastic song to pick for yourself.
Mo Pie: I don't know this song.
Weetabix: It's on the Classic Rock station, that’s why. You're listening to Lite FM, and I'm listening to stations people our age actually listen to. So we totally missed this.
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weetabix: I bet all the 50-year-old men in the audience are loving this. “SKYNAARRDD!” This guy's gonna open for Dave Matthews Band, that's all I'm saying.
Mo Pie: Again, and still, I'm bored.
Weetabix: I'm less bored than with Casey James, maybe because a decade ago I would be swooning over this. He doesn't have the—yes I will say it—RAW SEXUALITY of Danny Gokey.
Mo Pie: WHAT!??!?!
Weetabix: Yes. I'll give you five reasons.
Mo Pie: [Incredulous laughter]
Weetabix: 1. Wallet chain.
Mo Pie: Obviously.
Weetabix: 2. Glasses.
Mo Pie: Again, yes, I will cosign that.
Weetabix: 3. Not 5'2"
Mo Pie: I also like tall guys, I'm with you.
Weetabix: 4. From the land of Wisconsin.
Mo Pie: Sure.
Weetabix: 5. Tragic backstory that makes you feel like you have to fix him.
Mo Pie: Well played. Well played.
Weetabix: Thank you. I probably shouldn't have front-loaded with the accessories. But still. It's a valid list.
Mo Pie: Indeed.
Weetabix: I do like what Ellen brings to the table here. Even when she's talking crazy, it makes sense.
Mo Pie: I agree, I am pro-Ellen. And I love how Kara thinks she can determine who the winner of round one is. NO, KARA, ONLY SIMON CAN DO THAT.
Weetabix: She's just making a power play. As soon as Simon is gone, she's going to get all alpha on that panel. God help whoever the fourth judge is. Jamie Foxx or Sharon Osborne or whoever. I hope it's the guy from Celebrity Weight Loss Camp.
Mo Pie: I've never seen it, but I'll take your word for it.
Weetabix: Willie Aames was on it. And Jay from Project Runway was also on it.
Mo Pie: Lee, you're not gonna win. I'm calling it still: Crystal.
Weetabix: I think Lee has a chance. I think he's gonna Kris Allen his way in. We never would have picked Kris Allen.
Mo Pie: That's true. I'm still going Crystal. It'll make the finale more interesting, because we both have an idea.
Weetabix: Well, I'll be very happy if Crystal wins.

Casey James, “Daughters”

Weetabix: Kara's skirt is CUTE!
Mo Pie: That might be a dress, but it's SUPER CUTE! It's sparkly. Oh no, we get to see the boring hometown visits. I'll sum it up: people are excited to see famous people. That's a quote from David Brent.
Weetabix: Heh.
Mo Pie: He's going to do “Daughters” by John Mayer. I also like John Mayer in spite of myself.
Weetabix: Why, because you like douchey men?
Mo Pie: Yes. It's interesting that they made Randy and Kara share a song choice but Ellen gets her own. Maybe Kara isn't the alpha, and I'll bet she's pissed! She only gets half a song!
Weetabix: Oooh.
Mo Pie: Why does Casey need someone else on the stage with a guitar when he has a guitar?
Weetabix: Maybe because he can't really play?
Mo Pie: I feel like he's more consistent than Lee, but I also think Lee hits higher highs and lower lows. I don't think Casey is pitchy, he's just boring.
Weetabix: I think this sounds really good.
Mo Pie: I wonder if Casey is playing fake guitar. I'm very obsessed with this whole two-guitars thing. I think it's good though. I would actually download this. I mean, for free.
Weetabix: Heee! That's the tell.
Mo Pie: That was very pleasant. My boredom-o-meter kicked a little toward slight interest.
Weetabix: Too bad this isn't called Pleasant Idol.
Mo Pie: Again, reminding us that there are gay people in the world. Thank you Ellen. Aaaagh, I hate Kara! I haven't said that in a while, but I still hate Kara! She just presents herself like "I'm Simon," like she's the authority that people are waiting to hear. You get half a vote, Kara! HALF A VOTE!
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: I think Simon just made fun of John Mayer.
Weetabix: And his penis.
Mo Pie: This song is flaccid. Oh, Kara's going to tell us how the song is. Kara's getting defensive about her John Mayer choice.
Weetabix: She wants to have sex with John Mayer. She fancies herself the Jennifer Aniston of the judges panel.
Mo Pie: My spectrum for watching this show is like, Asleep, Bored, Mild Interest, Interest, Would Actually Vote. I don't think I have ever gotten over to Would Actually Vote this season. Certainly not this episode.

Crystal Bowersox, "Maybe I'm Amazed"

Weetabix: They've got the worst intros. She's in front of a strip mall! Like, Danny Gokey was in Miller Park. She's in front of an England Furniture Gallery.
Mo Pie: Again, I must point out, Ellen gets a full song choice!
Weetabix: I'm waiting for Kara to jump in on the intro. Half of Kara's face is falling, like she can't hold a fake smile for very long. Hey, Crystal's not hiding behind her guitar!
Mo Pie: Go Crystal! She doesn't have an awkward harmonica either.
Weetabix: Thank god.
Mo Pie: I feel like this is another kinda sleepy song. You would think I'd like it then, because it's very Lite FM.
Weetabix: It is. In fact, when I worked at JC Penney when I was 19, this was on the Muzak. Every day at 10:47 AM.
Mo Pie: So, not a fan, then?
Weetabix: I actually am very.... like, back in the day, I was very Team Paul. I was very into Paul McCartney when I was 8.
Mo Pie: I always liked Ringo. I liked him as the Mock Turtle in the Alice in Wonderland miniseries.
Weetabix: He definitely had the most charisma out of all the Beatles, I think. And Paul McCartney now looks a little like Dorothy Zbornak.
Mo Pie: I think she did well, it was good. KAAAARRAA.
Weetabix: Wow, that sounded like an actual zombie groan.
Mo Pie: I want to eat her brains.
Weetabix: Kara gives her grudging acceptance to a song she didn't pick. Or write.
Mo Pie: Aw, a little wink from Simon.
Weetabix: Benediction of Ellen's choice from Simon, and castigation of Kara and Randy's song choice. And a pan up and down on Crystal. They don't do a full body scan of the boys, by the way,
Mo Pie: Ooh, interesting.
Weetabix: And they just did another one.
Mo Pie: Fuck the patriarchy!
Weetabix: Fuck the motherfuckin' man!

Lee Dewyze, “Hallelujah”

Weetabix: Lee is from Chicago!
Mo Pie: It is adjacent to Wisconsin! It is driving distance from Milwaukee! And I know that because you and I went to Milwaukee and also Chicago. So, usually whoever gets the Simon song is the pimped contestant. So they want Lee to win? My demographic theory is really taking a lot of hits.
Weetabix: Hmm.
Mo Pie: I kinda wish that Danny... wait, that’s is not his name... I kind of wish that this guy was not playing guitar… Lee. I know he's not Danny Gokey. I blame you for this!
Weetabix: Heee!
Mo Pie: And I sure wish that they didn't have the Idolettes behind him... and a fucking smoke machine?
Weetabix: The Chris lights aren't working anymore, so we're throwing EVERYTHING AT YOU!
Mo Pie: I'm not sure he deserves all of this. I mean, this is a fine song, I just don't know that it deserves a gospel choir and a fog machine. That was such a manufactured moment.
Weetabix: You're right. It was totally false emotion on the stage.
Mo Pie: And the judges all look like they're happy.
Weetabix: Lee's like "I don't know, they just came out singing behind me." It's not like Lee gets to request a choir and a smoke machine.
Mo Pie: “You know what would really fit here? Some smoke!” He's not going to win! Maybe I'm living in an alternate universe where Lee just isn't very good.
Weetabix: No, that's our universe.
Mo Pie: That's our actual universe? Oh, ok. Well, I’m ready to make my predictions.
Weetabix: And they are?
Mo Pie: I think obviously it will be Lee and Crystal in the finale and I think Casey is gone. I would genuinely be shocked if Casey wasn't gone. Oh hush up, Danny Fauxkey! He just doesn't do it for me.
Weetabix: You were a Danny Gokey hater.
Mo Pie: I wasn't a Danny Gokey hater. I just Adam Lamberrr lover.
Weetabix: To be clear, I wasn't an Adam Lamberrr hater, I just had unexplainable Danny Gokey longings.

[And here, our transcript ends. Weetapidol out.]

Top 3 Pool Results

Poor Casey, not even John Mayer could save him in the face of Lee Dewyze's gospel choir and fog machine. TeKay, Shmuel and Weet correctly predicted that Casey would get third place, giving them all a collective surge forward in the rankings. Carly is still holding her lead, but expect big things next week for Jeremy, who was the only person in the pool to  correctly predict the final two and in fact, the only person who knew that Lee was going to make it this far.

Also, would you look at the Hive Mind? Seriously, that's just creepy.

Carly    97
Hive Mind    96
Gila    94
Mopie    93
Shari    93
TeKay    92
Wendi    92
Weet    90
Jeremy    90
Kelly S    89
Shmuel    89
Martha    88
Kim    87
Anti Shmuel    76

Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Top 4 Pool Results

Michael Lynche earned the ire of America the second time this season and got voted off for realsies, leaving the state of our spreadsheet in total chaos, as he was originally voted off in 9th place but then in 4th place means that the average of the two is 6.5. Seems simple, right? Not when it came to our scoring spreadsheet. We did a bunch of calculating and then it worked but we realized that now everyone had a .5 on their score and Weet's OCD drove her to complain about things not looking "tidy" and since everyone was affected equally we rounded that .5 up to a full point. As Mo said, math is funny.

Now, ready for the rub? With the exception of Anti-Shmuel, all of us thought Michael would be America's Sweetheart for much longer than he was. In fact, over 90% of the pool put him in their Top 4. Ouch. Wendi and Jeremy actually predicted that Michael would go home this week, but because he only stuck around because of the stupid judge's choice rule, they ended up only getting 9 points instead of the full 12 for that prognostication.  Mopie was closest to the modified ranking with her prediction of 7th place, which gave her a push to second place in the pool results.

It would seem like Carly has a lock on first and with two of her top three still on the show, she's due for some major pointage in the coming weeks, but the rest of us can take heart, as 75% of the pool ranked Crystal in their Top 3 and 25% ranked Lee or Casey in their Top 3. It's still anyone's game!

Carly 88
Hive Mind 85
Mopie 84
Shari 84
Gila 83
Wendi 82
Jeremy 82
TeKay 80
Kim 79
Martha 78
Weet 78
Kelly 78
Shmuel 77
Anti Shmuel 71

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Top 4: Michael Jackson in a Tree

Mo Pie: I have to tell you the bad news: Jamie Foxx is the mentor this week. They say that they’re considering having him as the fourth judge of American Idol and if that happens, I think I’ll stop watching American Idol.
Weetabix: I cosign that.
Mo Pie: You know my opening credits “spot Taylor” game? If the game was “spot David Cook,” I would totally be winning, because I've seen him like five times.
Weetabix: Who are they going to get rid of if they are having Jamie Foxx?
Mo Pie: Well, Simon is leaving.
Weetabix: Oh. Yeah.
Mo Pie: Yeah, can you imagine trading Simon, who's not perfect, but he's Simon... for Jamie Foxx. Eeeeh.
Weetabix: I think I will have lost all enthusiasm for this show, which arguably isn't a lot.
Mo Pie: I'm trying to think, like, what if they had a contestant as good as Adam Lamberr but with Jamie Foxx as a judge? Then I think I'd have to watch but fast forward through most of it. But I think some of the magic would be gone.
Weetabix: Oh my god, they're justifying having Jamie Foxx as the mentor with this montage.
Mo Pie: He's a multi-platinum R&B artist?
Weetabix: Who is buying that record?
Mo Pie: I have no idea. Oh god, Jamie Foxx. He has like zero credibility.
Weetabix: Bring back Miley Cyrus!
Mo Pie: Ha! Yes. Oh my god, Jamie Foxx, you're so annoying!
Weetabix: He's so self-righteous!
Mo Pie: He is! He's so smug! What's with the T-shirts?
Weetabix: Jamie Foxx, you should have a t-shirt that says DUMB ASS

Lee DeWyze, “Kiss from a Rose”

Mo Pie: Jamie Foxx is going to make out with Lee… that will liven up the show! I think this is Jamie Foxx's only mentoring technique, to try to kiss the dudes. I hear he's on the downlow, so that would make sense.
Weetabix: This song got Heidi Klum in bed, so it's potent.
Mo Pie: I used to love this song.
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: Oh yeah. But Lee doesn't have Seal's falsetto.
Weetabix: What movie was this from, Batman?
Mo Pie: Yeah, not the first one, but one of the subsequent ones. Not Michael Keaton, but one of the other ones.
Weetabix: Kilmer, maybe?
Mo Pie: He sounds awful. Am I crazy? Does this sound good?
Weetabix: You are not crazy.
Mo Pie: I'm actually getting tense, waiting for his voice to crack again. Acapella Randy now has an alligator on his shirt. Now he's basically dressed as Andy Bernard from The Office.
Weetabix: Who is also in an acapella group.
Mo Pie: Exactly. Oh, Ellen's little scarf thing? I love it!
Weetabix: It's an ascot week! It's going to be a good week.
Mo Pie: And Kara is dressed like a motivational speaker.
Weetabix: Oh my god, she's totally a middle manager. Or a second-tier Mary Kay sales leader.
Mo Pie: Can you imagine how terrifying that would be, to have her pull up in her pink car and assault you with blusher?
[Mo refills wine and then sings in falsetto, relaying a "Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy" anecdote which is adorable and too difficult to relay.]

Michael Lynche, “I Will Be There”

Weetabix: Jamie Foxx has got a skull tattoo?
Mo Pie: Is this "I Will Be There"? I like this song. What movie is it from?
Weetabix: I don't even know what song it is yet.
Mo Pie: The River Jordan song.
Weetabix: Rupert Jordan?
Mo Pie: River Jordan.
Weetabix: No idea.
Mo Pie: I think it's Michael Jackson?
Weetabix: I think it's The Lion King or something.
Mo Pie: Same thing.
Weetabix: This sounds familiar. I'm not joking, I think this is a Disney movie.
Mo Pie: I still think it's Michael Jackson. I'm going with Michael Jackson. Maybe for a Disney movie!
Weetabix: Googling "hold me" and "lift me up" brings up a song from Zach and Miri Make a Porno. And I don't think that's it!
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weetabix: I don't know. It was Michael Lynche.
Mo Pie: Yeah. I'm really very bored.
Weetabix: You were right about Michael Jackson! Yay! You're so smart. Was it really Free Willy?
Mo Pie: I really hope so. I want to rewind the performance and listen again, this time while visualizing a killer whale swimming around.
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: Kara's outfit is still killing me. "Let me call your attention to this org chart..."
Weetabix: "I've prepared a few PowerPoint slides... I have a value stream map..." this is so close to my actual daily work that it's sad.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: By the way, a bit of trivia, Michael Jackson wrote this song while sitting in a tree at his Neverland Ranch. Is this really happening?
Mo Pie: I was about to ask you the same thing.
Weetabix: I don't love Big Mike, because he's totally fucked up my whole spreadsheet scoring shit, by the way.
Mo Pie: You just need to do a decimal. It'll be okay. You're very smart.

Lee and Crystal, "Falling Slowly"

Mo Pie: I love this song!
Weetabix: It reminds me of our painful attempt to sing this at karaoke.
Mo Pie: Let's not think of that. Let's just enjoy. Does Crystal Bowersox have a dream catcher in her hair?
Weetabix: Oh I love this!!!!
Mo Pie: ME TOOO!!!!!!
[It should be noted that both of our voices went up two octaves by complete accident.]
Mo Pie: I'm not saying anything because I'm possibly for the first time in weeks enjoying a performance on this show. Although it's different because Crystal’s voice is in a totally different octave than Martina Irglova...Martika Irglova... something... woman.
Weetabix: The Polish woman.
Mo Pie: I believe she's Czech.
Weetabix: Right. Some middle European country.
Mo Pie: There’s Kara! She's going to give me a performance review and then we'll do a salary negotiation. Will you tell me about my 401 contribution, Kara?
Weetabix: I love it when Simon gets a little chub.
Mo Pie: Ooooh, Lee and Crystal are adorable. TOP TWO! Oooh, sexual tension! We'll have to call them Boweryze. Leestal? I'll work on it.

Casey James, "Mrs. Robinson"

Mo Pie: So, Casey's dressed like one of the Four Tops. This should be interesting. I'm paused on Jamie Foxx clapping and doing the White Man's Overbite. Which is ironic!
Weetabix: Ha! I'm not there yet.
Mo Pie: Jamie Foxx wants Casey to seduce him??
Weetabix: You were onto this! He is on the downlow. And on the lowdown. I got an update on the Vegas odds, and Casey is favored to win.
Mo Pie: No he's not! That cannot be right.
Weetabix: It did! didn't I forward it to you? Casey’s dreamy, he's got God lighting, he's got Ted Nugent, Frampton-Comes-Alive lighting.
Mo Pie: He's got a ukulele! He's not going to win.
Weetabix: That's not a ukulele, that's a guitar! He's dreamy, he's Blonde Ace!
Mo Pie: Hm.
Weetabix: Jamie's a little bit right, because Mrs. Robinson is about seduction, and he's singing it like that Hawaiian dude singing Over The Rainbow.
Mo Pie: WITH A UKELELE. This is terrible. This is really terrible.
Weetabix: He should have done… anything else. This is not a good song, with a ukulele.
Mo Pie: And then his Four Tops jacket? He's.... not going to win. He did not sound "cool," Randy.
Weetabix: Oooh oooh! I did forward it to you. Let the record show! "Casey James will leave the show this....” oh.
Mo Pie: [Laughter.]
Weetabix: Alright, I rescind my Ooh. My “Oooh oooh” privileges have been taken away.
Mo Pie: [Still laughing.]
Weetabix: Kara would like you to know that this quarter's earnings have reached a year-end low.
Mo Pie: So has this show.
Weetabix: It's true.
Mo Pie: I continue to enjoy how miniaturized Ryan Seacrest looks next to Casey.
Weetabix: He is a little oompa loompa there.

Crystal, "A Song From Caddyshack"

Weetabix: Who picks a song from Caddyshack?
Mo Pie: Apparently Crystal Bowersox.
Weetabix: I think Jamie Foxx has a chub. No lie.
Mo Pie: Oh god. Oh god, Jamie Foxx.
Weetabix: He's got to shut up with these shirts!
Mo Pie: Can you imagine if he has a gimmick like this every week as a judge? "This week, I have these dueling beer cozies to give out…"
Weetabix: Ha! Oh, this is so good.
Mo Pie: I don't know this song and I think it's good.
Weetabix: How do you not know this song? It's Caddyshack?!
Mo Pie: You didn't know the River Jordan Michael Jackson in a Tree song!
Weetabix: I've never seen Free Willy!
Mo Pie: I've never seen Caddyshack!
Weetabix: How is that possible? I even own this DVD!
Mo Pie: I don't know! Ian is also looking at me crazy.
Weetabix: Thank you Ian.
Mo Pie: [to Ian] Wendy appreciates your support.
Weetabix: I appreciate and share in his incredulity.
Mo Pie: How does it compare to the original?
Weetabix: It stands on its own!
Mo Pie: Ian says no.
Weetabix: I disagree. It was good!
Mo Pie: Simon says that Crystal's back in the game. When was she ever out of the game?
Weetabix: We missed a week.
Mo Pie: Oh, that's right, we probably missed a few weeks. Casey and Michael are going to do a Bryan Adams song? Oh my god.
Weetabix: I hope it's that song from Robin Hood.
Mo Pie: Oh, please let it be the song from Robin Hood.

Casey and Mike, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman”

Mo Pie: Have you ever really loved a woman? Perhaps the answer, in this song, will be “no, but we have really loved each other.”
Weetabix: In Jamie Foxx's head...
Mo Pie: I hate this song. I really hate this song. And Mike can't play the guitar.
Weetabix: I think he's faking it. There's no sound coordinating to his strumming.
Mo Pie: They might as well just have given him a Rock Band guitar. Yellow yellow red green...
Weetabix: I wish they'd given him a tambourine. In fact, I wish there was one for Rock Band. I would have rocked the hell out of that. All my favorite artists are tambourinists. Davy Jones... I'm just going to name every tambourine artist so I don't have to listen to this song. I fucking hate this song.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: Linda McCartney, a tambourinist... Tracey Partridge...
Mo Pie: I think they do have a tambourine in Rock Band, where you're supposed to hit the microphone?
Weetabix: I would like an actual tambourine, none of this faux verisimillitude.
Mo Pie: "The guitar playing was excellent, CASEY."
Weetabix: Ha!
Mo Pie: And that song fucking sucks. And yay, Ellen, lesbian humor!
Weetabix: Yay, Ellen! Remind America that lesbians exist! That's what I want Ellen to do. Constantly remind America that it does not let people like Ellen and Portia di Rossi get married.
Mo Pie: Well America did let them get married, but now they want to take it back.
Weetabix: I wouldn't have called this duet a million times better than the solos. Don Juan de Marco will never be better than anything.
Mo Pie: It's better than Prop 8, that's all I'll say for it.
Weetabix: Well, a pile of shit is better than Prop 8.

Final Thoughts

Mo Pie: So, superfluous predictions, or final thoughts?
Weetabix: I predict a fucked up Excel spreadsheet.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: I have to agree with the actual Vegas odds, that Casey is stuck in third place. What does the Hive Mind think? Oh, the Hive Mind thinks Siobhan is going.
Mo Pie: Oh, I remember Siobhan!
Weetabix: The Hive Mind... the top 4 were in the Hive Mind's top 5. Not too fucking bad.
Mo Pie: Yeah, the Hive Mind is doing well this year.
Weetabix: I'm going to base all my predictions off of the Hive Mind from now on.
Mo Pie: But you can't, because you're part of the Hive Mind. So it's a Catch-22.
Weetabix: Hmm. I’ll work on it.

Weetapidol out!

Wednesday, May 05, 2010

Pool Update: And Your Top 4....

Weetabix is out of town on business for like two weeks, so it'll take us a while before we watch the Sinatra episode. (But I need to see it since I love Sinatra, and I also love Harry Connick Jr., have you seen Memphis Belle? How cute is he!?) In the meantime...

Who would have predicted Aaron would go home this week!? I guess the answer to that is Carly, who had him going in 5th place and now zooms into first place. Weirdly, Anti-Shmuel was next with 6th place, then real Shmuel with 7th place. Math is funny.

The rest of us all had 9, 10, 11, or 12. So the new standings are!

81 points, Carly
79 points, Hive Mind
76 points, Shari, Gila
74 points, TeKay
73 points, Mo Pie, Jeremy, Wendi
72 points, Martha, Kelly S., Weet
71 points, Shmuel, Kim
65 points, Anti-Shmuel

Should be an interesting few weeks!

Saturday, May 01, 2010

Top 6: It's Centrifugal Motion

Mo Pie: I know we skipped a couple of weeks, but looking at these six people, I have no recollection of anyone who went home.
Weetabix: Flowers in the Attic, and Mr. Toad, and... I don't know, after that. Didi, maybe? No, Tim Urban!
Mo Pie: Tim! That's who I was forgetting.
Weetabix: Surprising, that he went home. I blame bad lighting for that week. Bad lighting sent Tim Urban home.
Mo Pie: I see.
Weetabix: Can I just say right now? I loathe country. This crossover shit? This Shania Twain crap? I don't like Shania at all. I have extreme bias. Someone's gotta make me love their shit because it's a huge uphill battle.
Mo Pie: So how do you feel about Carrie Underwood?
Weetabix: Loathe.
Mo Pie: Even "Before He Cheats"?!?
Weetabix: It's all "Twang Twang Twaaang!" I literally get a headache from steel guitar.
Mo Pie: Noted.
Weetabix: Does Ellen even try to get dressed anymore? Did you see what she's wearing? It's like she just came in from the car, shaking the rain off her hair.
Mo Pie: I didn't see her, I was typing. And it's annoying that they're only doing Shania Twain songs. Doesn't she only have three songs?
Weetabix: I think she has like eight. She's got that one that they're playing right now, and a couple that they play at this restaurant I go to all the time. You know when I hear Shania is at karaoke. I don't even know what her real self sounds like.
Mo Pie: I like the song about kissing. That's the only one I remember.
Weetabix: Sixpence None The Richer? That's not Shania Twain.
Mo Pie: No, not that one... I think she has a different one about kissing.
Weetabix: Kissing a cowboy? I'm just guessing,. I'm using Mad Libs country songs to guess.
Mo Pie: "It'll be a great week for everyone," Casey? I have a feeling it won't be a great week for Siobhan.
Weetabix: Hee. Shania's very sparkly. She has aged very well, considering she obviously tans.

Lee DeWyze, "?You're Still The One"

Weetabix: This is one of the eight songs.
Mo Pie: I just remembered, the “centrifugal motion” song is the one I was thinking of! Is that Shania Twain?
Weetabix: That's Trisha Yearwood or Faith Evans or someone. It's the blonde chick who said "motherfucker" when Carrie Underwood won the country Grammy.
Mo Pie: Lee DeWyze makes me bored. I actually like this song in a Lite Radio kind of way.
Weetabix: You and your Lite Radio. He actually reminds me when he's singing of Bruce Willis, early Moonlighting Bruce Willis.
Mo Pie: This was a friend's wedding song, so I have happy associations. But that was just aigt for me, dawg.
Weetabix: I didn't think it was bad. I think it was better than he's done.
Mo Pie: I like Randy's acapella sweater this week. And there's Ellen in her hoodie! I think she looks cute.
Weetabix: She's wearing a Members Only jacket! And Kara's already jumping on Ellen's critique.
Mo Pie: Kara just leans into whatever shot is happening. Soon she's going to poke her head in when Ryan Seacrest is introducing people.
Weetabix: She's also got bad hair tonight. Shania Twain does not approve.
ML Well Simon liked it.
Weetabix: I still think he's lulling the crowd so they vote him off.
Mo Pie: So he doesn't beat Crystal?
Weetabix: Perhaps. I don't necessarily think she's the golden child this time. I feel like they're loading us with...someone else.
Mo Pie: So who's the chosen one, then?
Weetabix: I think Siobhan was! Which threw my whole theory off. I kind of feel like it needed to be a girl.
Mo Pie: Well according to What Not To Sing, nobody has ever been voted off from the pimp spot before, unless it's like the top two or three. For 53 consecutive episodes.
Weetabix: Wow.

Michael Lynche, "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing"

Mo Pie: I bet they're upset that they wasted the save on Mike when they could have used it for Siobhan.
Weetabix: If they really wanted to save her, the grassy knoll would have saved her.
Mo Pie: They could not have anticipated that she'd get voted off in the pimp spot. It thwarted their plans.
Weetabix: Perhaps. I don't really believe anything about the voting veracity bullshit anyway.
Mo Pie: I think they don't manipulate the voting counting. I think they manipulate it through lighting, pimp spot, judges comments, that kind of thing.
Weetabix: Hmm.
Mo Pie: This is no “In The Ghetto,” Michael Lynche. But next week is Sinatra week and I'm excited because I love Sinatra songs.
Weetabix: I love Sinatra but I predict that I'm going to be upset.
Mo Pie: Because they're going to butcher it?
Weetabix: Yes, someone will do something to a song I love.
Mo Pie: I think Mike is wearing a wallet chain around his neck. Randy, how was that a great song? I don't even remember it anymore and he just sang it 30 seconds ago.
Weetabix: Yeah, it was boring..
Mo Pie: I love how Kara is just kissing Shania Twain's ass. “Let's write a song together!” Is Kara wearing tinfoil around her neck?
Weetabix: It seems to be some kind of breast place.
Mo Pie: It's a situation. A breast plate situation.
Weetabix: Did they really just talk about the wet dry thing? Did that just happen?
Mo Pie: Yes, the wet dry thing happened. Did he mean moist eyed? I don't know, someone come and sing something that makes me less bored.
Weetabix: Please.
Mo Pie: Oh Shania Twain. "I'm so emotional. Someone fix my makeup!" That was not as charming as she thought it was. "I can't be bothered to do my own makeup" does not come across well.

Casey James, "Don't"

Mo Pie: Now I can't get "Blonde Ace" out of my mind when I look at him.
Weetabix: He's totally Blonde Ace! Speaking of which, what has Brunette Ace been up to?
Mo Pie: No idea.
Weetabix: Manning the Enterprise Rent A Car counter?
Mo Pie: Hee. This song is called "Don't"? Why would someone use a contraction as a song title?
Weetabix: Because it sounds better than "Ain't"? Let's see if Blonde Ace has bad lighting like Tim Urban did last week.
Mo Pie: That wasn't last week, it was... some previous week.
Weetabix: Some other time, yes.
Mo Pie: He has pretty blue lights in his hair!
Weetabix: He has good lighting. He has the Jesus lighting, that makes him look like an angel. So is James really his last name, or is that just his middle name because his last name is unpronounceable?
Mo Pie: I have no idea. He could also be pretentious, like Megan Joy Whatsherface.
Weetabix: Oh god, I hated her. We know Aaron Kelly's last name is Kelly because his mom's name is Kelly Kelly.
Mo Pie: This is an adequate performance from Casey.
Weetabix: I'm kinda feelin' it. I don't know this song, but I'm kinda feelin' it.
Mo Pie: Maybe you're just feeling the effects of the lighting.
Weetabix: Maybe I'm feeling the effects of him in my pants. I have to agree with Randy, it really was the best Casey James performance!
Mo Pie: I wish Randy would ditch the friendship beads and let his acapella sweater speak for itself.
Weetabix: With those beads, he's trying to say "I am the father of Sandra Bullock's baby."

Crystal Bowersox

Weetabix: you know what would suck
Mo Pie: If Cyrstal Bowersox doesn't win?
Weetabix: That. And being the guest mentor and having these Idol contestants saying things like "I've been a fan of yours since I was a little girl."
Mo Pie: Oooh, Crystal has a boyfriend.
Weetabix: Well, she does have a baby.
Mo Pie: She's got a whole ensemble there.
Weetabix: And the lighting matches her dress.
Mo Pie: And there's her rug. NPR had a good article that said if Crystal Bowersox doesn't win, then American Idol is screwed. I don't know, Adam Lamberrr didn't win last year and Kris Allen has that single. It's not embarrassing that Adam didn't win, it's just sad.
Weetabix: Justin Guarini. That's all I have to say.
Mo Pie: Imagine a world where Justin Guarini won. If all the runners up won! Clay Aiken, who basically did win. Diana DiGuarmo, Bo Bice, Blake Lewis, Adam Lamberr... who am I missing?
Weetabix: The little Mormon kid.
Mo Pie: Oh yeah, Archuleta. So, I don't know what my point was, just that Crystal Bowersox should win. Oh, I think it was The Soup that pointed out that Kara is always saying "I agree with the guys." but she's talking about Ellen and Randy.
Weetabix: I said that! I brought that up!
Mo Pie: Oh, maybe that's where I got it from. And also, Joel McHale, who stole it from you.
Weetabix: We didn't talk about Crystal's singing at all.
Mo Pie: Well, it was fine, I think all of these performances are fine. I'm not excited about any of them, although I do have Crystal's "Me and Bobby McGee" on my iPod and I listened to it today at the gym. It was my cool down song and it ruled. What do you think about her singing?
Weetabix: It was good. It was a B side.
Mo Pie: Yep, there it is. You nailed it. It was a B side.

Aaron Kelly

Weetabix: This Shania/Aaron Kelly relationship is creepy. Also, I never realized this, but Shania's got an annoying speaking voice.
Mo Pie: Yeah she does.
Weetabix: This is a karaoke song, and there's steel guitar. And... Aaron Kelly has the claw! He has the claw!
Mo Pie: Wait, that sounds familiar... who had the claw?
Weetabix: Taylor!
Mo Pie: Oh my god! We haven't seen the Claw since Season 5!
Weetabix: That just made me happy.
Mo Pie: Wait, did we call Aaron “Castrochuleta”? Who was that?
Weetabix: No, that was someone else. Aaron is like Kevin Covais with Kris Allen's voice. He's Covallen.
Mo Pie: Right, Kevin Covais!
Weetabix: Look at this--we're both watching this in HD. Do you see any follicles capable of creating beard hair? I do not.
Mo Pie: No.
Weetabix: Sometimes when the camera catches Ellen at the wrong angle, she looks like Mr. Burns.
Mo Pie: I'm not going to type that! That's mean!
Weetabix: It's like the shadow catches her nose and makes it really long and pointy.
Mo Pie: I love Ellen. I'm an Ellen apologist.
Weetabix: I love her too! I think Ellen herself would say she has a pointy nose.
Mo Pie: Oh little Aaron Kelly and your mom, Kelly Kelly. That's so cute!
Weetabix: That is funny! Still funny. Not as funny as the "Black Family" on Amazing Race, but still funny.
Mo Pie: I still can't see Aaron doing anything but fading into obscurity after this.
Weetabix: He doesn't have the Jonas Brothers cuteness. This is the cutest he will ever be. If he got a nose job, he might have a chance.

Siobhan Magnus

Mo Pie: Poor doomed Siobhan. We have to watch her knowing where this goes. She's so cute! Who would vote her off?
Weetabix: I think we were potentially all bucking against having Siobhan shoved down our throats.
Mo Pie: She's got the pimp spot. She's got a gospel choir.
Weetabix: She's singing this kind of low energy, it's weird.
Mo Pie: She's wearing a strange outfit, but strange in a good way. I kind of like it.
Weetabix: This is probably the fastest Shania Twain song.
Mo Pie: I never realized that she had an Edward Gorey tattoo.
Weetabix: I've said it every week! It's in your kitchen!
Mo Pie: I knew it intellectually, but I had never seen it. Like I didn't see that it was the one that's in my kitchen. Oooh, that wasn't a great note, actually.
Weetabix: I think that was her death knell.
Mo Pie: I still think I like Siobhan's performance more than anyone. Even at the end there, it had some personality, which I liked.
Weetabix: I do like her boots.
Kara: Guess who's back!?”
Mo Pie: Guess who's going back home? Oh, they loved her!
Weetabix: Death knell.
Mo Pie: You're just saying that because hindsight is 20/20.
Weetabix: Yeah, I am.

Final Words

Mo Pie: Of all the contestants, I would have said she was the last person I would predict to go home. My prediction would have been Casey, maybe? Maybe Mike.
Weetabix: Mine would have been Mike.
Mo Pie: Definitely not Siobhan. My final words are that I will miss Siobhan because I think she could have done a good Sinatra song and it's going to be boring with just a bunch of guys and Crystal.
Weetabix: It would have been interesting seeing her incorporate a scream into Sinatra.
Mo Pie: But alas, we will never know.
Weetabix: Alas.

Weetapidol out!