Friday, May 28, 2010

It's Kristy Lee Cook's Fault: Finale Performance and Results!

Weetabix: So, I'm spoiled, I assume you are too?
Mo Pie: Oh yeah. I didn't even bother trying not to be spoiled. I don't even care.
Weetabix: I got spoiled on Facebook.
Mo Pie: Well, my demographic theory has died a painful death.
Weetabix: I enjoyed that story you linked to on NPR about Lee DeWyze, and how he supposedly has a "compelling story" because he's a paint salesman? That is ridiculous because EVERYONE had a shit job before being on this show. Except Jordin Sparks who had famous parents. And way to detract from Crystal being a single mom, bringing her child to the auditions?
Mo Pie: No kidding.
Weetabix: This whole show is going to be filler, isn't it?
Mo Pie: Yes.
Weetabix: [Sigh]
Mo Pie: I read... that Kristy Lee Cook is to blame for this. Remember her? Because the last three winners have been Kris and Lee and Cook.
Weetabix: That's ridiculous. That's like numerology bullshit.
Mo Pie: No, it's real! It's Kristy's fault!
Weetabix: I just think they're so pissed at themselves for eliminating Chris Daughtry that they're just shoving boring white guys down our throats. They don't want to miss another Chris.
Mo Pie: Good point?
Weetabix: Remember the old American Idol, when all the black contestants were awesome and all the white contestants sucked? I miss that American Idol.

Lee, "The Boxer"

Mo Pie: What song is this?
Weetabix: It's Simon and Garfunkel, Lite Radio. I think it was on a week we missed.
Mo Pie: Surprisingly, I don't know it.
Weetabix: I think Lee is a nice person. He's marginally more interesting than Kris Allen, which is not hard.
Mo Pie: I agree that I have nothing against Lee. Which is why I don't really care.
Weetabix: He seems like a nice guy. Like a guy you'd call before a party and he'd stop and get ice. Which I can respect. Like, he'd help you move. Unlike Chris Daughtry.
Mo Pie: I think Daughtry would help you move!
Weetabix: I think Daughtry would have a thing. And then he'd sleep with your mom.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: I don't think we'll remember Lee in three years. He's a younger Taylor Hicks, but without a claw.
Mo Pie: I think it depends 100% on what kind of songs he writes. If he has good songs, he'll be fine.
Weetabix: I agree, he can totally pull off the John Mayer/Jack Johnson thing. 
Mo Pie: So this is Simon's last thingy.
Weetabix: Yeah, his last time judging.
Mo Pie: What a way to go out. On two kind of boring people.
Weetabix: Crystal's marginally interesting. She's not boring!
Mo Pie: That's why I said "kind of" boring. She's no Lamberrr.
Weetabix: No.

Crystal, "Me and Bobby McGee"

Mo Pie: I have this on my iPod.
Weetabix: It's very good.
Mo Pie: I think Crystal will be fine. I think they both got signed to the same label, so who cares?
Weetabix: Oh, is it a "who cares?" American Idol finale?
Mo Pie: As opposed to what?
Weetabix: True.
Mo Pie: I mean, I would have liked to break the streak of white guys with guitars... it's the law of diminishing returns.
Weetabix: I bet Jason Castro's just so pissed.
Mo Pie: Hee! Really though, David Cook was the best.
Weetabix: If for nothing else than he did Phantom of the Opera, and it made me pregnant.
Mo Pie: Right.
Weetabix: That was good. Wow, Randy has actually put on your granfather's sport coat.
Mo Pie: And it's too short for him.
Weetabix: It's something. He's going to usher me to my seat at the theater.
Mo Pie: Oh, Kara. Die in a fire.
Weetabix: Maybe the vaccuum left by Simon Cowell leaving will suck her in, kind of into a black hole situation.
Mo Pie: That is now my new dream!
Weetabix: Manifest that.

Lee Dwyze "Everybody Hurts"

Mo Pie: I don't like his hair. There's too much of it. And when did people start loving Lee Dewyze? He's been all over Twitter for the last two weeks.
Weetabix: STILL! He's still trending!
Mo Pie: Was it just that Simon Cowell said "here, America, here is a gospel choir and a fog machine. Love him."
Weetabix: Apparently. People are sheep.
Mo Pie: I don't think that love is going to last, the love based on a fog machine.
Weetabix: That is very wise.
Mo Pie: Is there a teleprompter back there? Wasn't that a big deal, that they have to learn all the words?
Weetabix: Maybe when you're in the finale, it doesn't matter anymore?
Mo Pie: There's another gospel choir! I guess it's working. They have made Lee the Idol, for better or worse.
Weetabix: True.
Mo Pie: What is that shirt that Randy is wearing under my grandfather's sport coat? It's like pink and red paisley... oh Randy. He's taking up the mantle of the wacky outfits left by Paula.
Weetabix: Yeah.
Mo Pie: Oh Kara. I hate her pokey out ears. Her stupid smug little face. It's really the only thing I care about this season: my hatred of Kara.

Crystal "Black Velvet"

Mo Pie: Oh I love this song! I am interested! Don't let me down, Crystal.
Weetabix: Maybe if you wish enough, she'll win.
Mo Pie: I just want a performance I would enjoy, but maybe I could turn back time. She looks uncomfortable in that dress. She looks kind of super uncomfortable.
Weetabix: You know what she looks like? She walks just like Jake in drag.
Mo Pie: So we know what Jake's Halloween costume is going to be this year! Oh, I don't know, I'm back to not caring so much again. She doesn't sound as good as Alannah Miles. I'm sorry, she doesn't.
Weetabix: Well, she has to sound as good as Crystal Bowersox and I don't think she even did that.
Mo Pie: No, I think she could do much better than that and I'll bet that the studio version sounds much better.
Weetabix: I would like to point out that Simon's shirt is unbuttoned to the fourth button.
Mo Pie: Do you have a Simon Cowell thing now?
Weetabix: I've always had a Simon thing. I enjoy his chest.
Mo Pie: He's got a hairy dad chest.
Weetabix: A dad chest?
Mo Pie: Yeah, he looks like your dad or something.
Weetabix: Not MY dad, but maybe my Daddy.
Mo Pie: Oh god.

Lee, "Beautiful Day"

Mo Pie: So this is the single? I'm curious about this.
Weetabix: Did that horrible writer write it? I mean not Kara, but the other one. Trenyce?
Mo Pie: No, it's U2. This was the single on World Idol. Where Kelly lost to that Norwegian guy.
Weetabix: The one that looked like a hobbit? You told me about this.
Mo Pie: I loved him!
Weetabix: Kurt Nillsen? I know this because I have the contents of your iPod on my computer. Every so often it will come on randomly. Like "Rent" in Dutch.
I'm not compelled by Lee's voice.
Mo Pie: Me either. He's no Norwegian hobbit.
Weetabix: Not many people are. He is better at emoting now, though. At least now his emotion is reaching his face.
Mo Pie: Too bad that emotion is often "I pooped my pants."
Weetabix: It disturbs me that you know what that emotion looks like.
Mo Pie: Heh.
Weetabix: I don't think Lee DeWyze is very tall. He looks kinda stubby up there.
Mo Pie: Are there 72 violinists behind him? It's like "The Music Man" up there.
Weetabix: Well they used up the gospel choir. Crystal got to stand awkwardly by herself in heels that don't fit. Lee has the entire show up there and the lights are going crazy. It's just unfair.
Mo Pie: How could Lee be the Chosen One though? It makes no sense?
Weetabix: Maybe because it became evident early on tht Crystal wasn't going to let herself be led. While Lee was like "go ahead, mold me."
Mo Pie: That's a good theory. I just think his voice is very generic.
Weetabix: I agree. But Kara felt it was commercial. Which to me seems like on Top Model where they say you're good for catalog.
Mo Pie: I think that's probably an exact analogy.  And here comes Simon and his "Lee worked at a paint shop!" thing.
Weetabix: They've mentioned it like four times so far.
Mo Pie: Mabe it's the idea that Crystal doesn't need to win to succeed?
Weetabix: This isn't Amercia's charity. Kristy Lee Cook apparently needed to win, because she's haunting the show.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: That doesn't even make sense. It's not Kristy Lee David.... there have been hundreds of contsestants on this show. It's just totally random.
Mo Pie: Well, if a "Ty" wins next year to complete the "Kristy"...
Weetabix: Fine. Then I will be contrite.

Crystal, "Up to the Mountain"

Mo Pie: What song is this?
Weetabix: It's "Up to the Moutain".. the single she'll release.
Mo Pie: No, I mean where did it come from?
Weetabix: The ether?
Mo Pie: I hope they release it anyway. Oh, she's got pretty lighting!
Weetabix: She does! And a gospel choir. But the choir singers are not lit.
Mo Pie: What radio station would this song be on?
Weetabix: Christian FM maybe?
Mo Pie: No wonder she didn't win. They don't know what station to put her on.
Weetabix: And you don't go on Christian FM with that hair and that tattoo on your back.
Mo Pie: Well she sounds terrific.
Weetabix: Yeah, better than "Black Velvet." I'm just distracted by the fact that she hasn't changed her earrings, despite having three totally different outfits.  And the earrings don't go with that necklace at all, but that necklace is awesome.
Mo Pie: I agree with you. And that performance was very good!
Weetabix: It's very heartbreaking. I think this whole time she hasn't let herself want this. And this is the first time she actually seemed like she wanted this--she seemed nervous during the second performance.
Mo Pie: Yeah, I agree. And Randy's all suffused with emotion! And Ellen was just like "you're not derivative of the last two winners! yay!" Hahaha Ellen. "If you make a salad, I'll eat it!"
Weetabix: Ellen's just going to be her groupie.
Mo Pie: Oh goodie. Kara's going to tell us how it is. I think she just said the same thing you did, though.
Weetabix: Yeah, except I didn't say it so douchey.
Mo Pie: Oh, a little tribute to Simon from Crystal!
Weetabix: He looks touched. And Kara tried to jump in on that there.
Mo Pie: Simon's final critique!
Weetabix: Awww. Aw Simon. Unbutton your shirt more.
Mo Pie: I'm glad I didn't know this about Simon being your daddy like five seasons ago.


Mo Pie: Predictions?
Weetabix: I predict America does not have enough boring bland white guys on their radio stations.
Mo Pie: Good guess!
Weetabix: They want another Chris Daughtry.


Mo Pie: They gave Taylor a ticket! They didn't make Old Man Hicks sit in the balcony! I'm excited to see the old Idols.
Weetabix: What are the old Idols? Explain.
Mo Pie: The previous winners from past seasons.
Weetabix: Do they get to sing?
Mo Pie: I hope so! Oooh, who is that blonde girl. Is she on this show?
Weetabix: I don't know, but she's kind of hot.
Mo Pie: I have no idea who that is! Oh my gosh, there's Tim Urban, I had forgotten he existed.
Weetabix: Why is Lacey on there. Because she's Top 12? But she's not on the tour.
Mo Pie: That blonde girl isn't in the Top 12. What's with the creepy zombie choir? That's just creepy.
Weetabix: Well, it's an Alice Cooper song.
Mo Pie: Oh my gosh, that's Alice Cooper for real! I loved him before Wayne's World!
Weetabix: When I was a little kid, my stepdad had that album and I'd look at it and be fascinated because it was the creepiest album ever. There was a spider on it!
Mo Pie: I just downloaded "Poison" for Rock Band. That's my favorite Alice Cooper song. Oh my gosh, Alice Cooper is kind of old.
Weetabix: Did you not just listen to my little story of looking at his album when I was like five?
Mo Pie: I know but I prefer to think of us as being younger people.
Weetabix: Oh, right. Well, maybe he was forty when he put out that album.

Kris Allen

Mo Pie: I really do actually enjoy Kris Allen. I love that "Live Like You're Dying" song and I still have residual Kradam love from all the Kradam fanfic I've read since last year.
Weetabix: How much is that?
Mo Pie: Um. A lot.
Weetabix: This isn't terrible. He's still white. And a man.
Mo Pie: But I do enjoy little Kris Allen.
Weetabix: He seems to have gained quite a bit more confidence. He's got more presence.
Mo Pie: The thing is, Lee Dewyze really was a Kris Allen this season. He wasn't a front runner and then all of a sudden, it was like whoa, he won? Where did he come from? I don't know if I like this song though.
Weetabix: I think I'll like it after I've heard it on the radio 20 times.
Mo Pie: That is how Kris Allen works.
Weetabix: He gets under your skin.
Mo Pie: LIVE LIKE YOU'RE DYING! [singing] There's eighty six four hundred seconds in a day... la la la la.... sorry. The thing with Chris Daughtry is that when I hear his songs for the first time, I instantly know I will like them. It does not take 20 listens for me.
Weetabix: Right.
Mo Pie: I really wish Adam would come out and sing with Kris. But that's because I'm creepy. Was that Bo Bice? Bo Bice in the audience?
Weetabix: Here comes the Simon thing!
Mo Pie: Is this going to be boring or exciting? Let's watch. This show will not be the same without Simon. Ok, that was mildly entertaining. I want more Simon Cowell montages. And I want Kara's sparkly bracelet.

Siobhan and Hoo Haa

Mo Pie: [Laughing at the fact that Weetabix has just typed "Siobhan and Hoo Haa" as a subhead.]
Weetabix: Well I didn't know who it was!
Mo Pie: Hoo Haa is Aaron Kelly. And THIS is a Lite Radio song.
Weetabix: Oh, big time.
Mo Pie: This is the most incongruous love duet ever. Hoo Haa is much smaller than Siobhan.
Weetabix: He's going to swallow her whole... IT'S THE GIBBS!
Mo Pie: [singing] It's the Barry Gibb Talk Show....
Weetabix: This makes me happy.  These people in the audience don't know who the Gibbs are. I bet Hoo Haa doesn't know who they are.
Mo Pie: I'm very sad.  We could have been calling him Hoo Haa all season.
Weetabix: Why does Robin have transition lenses from Lens Crafters on?
Mo Pie: Where are Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake?
Weetabix: That would actually be much more fun, although I love the Gibbs.
Mo Pie: No I mean, replace Siobhan and Hoo Haa with them.
Weetabix: Oh, that would be a perfect storm! Jordin Sparks is singing along in the audience, annoyed she wasn't allowed to sing.
Mo Pie: Does Old Man Hicks still look pissed off?
Weetabix: He kinda looks like George Clooney.
Mo Pie: Well that's appropriate, since George Clooney is like 60.
Weetabix: He is not! He can't be sixty! I'm looking it up. [Looks it up] He's not even 50! He just turned 49.
Mo Pie: Oops. Sorry, George! My point is, Taylor Hicks still looks old.
Weetabix: And I just found possibly the only non-sexy picture of George Clooney ever.

Michael Lynche

Weetabix: I'm paused on Michael Lynche, who I thought for a second was Ruben.
Mo Pie: I hope Ruben actually comes out.
Weetabix: Oh my god, I hop they bring out Michael McDonald now! I love him!
Mo Pie: I have no idea who that is.
Weetabix: He's Lite FM.
Mo Pie: Well I'm not a student of Lite FM, just a listener.
Weetabix: He's allways like "fooohhhhhhhhh fhhhooooooooo" like that.
Mo Pie: I have just done my best to type that sound effect.
Weetabix: I called it. There he is!
Mo Pie: "Fnnrrrr fuuuh...." Do the sound again!
Weetabix: I can't do it now, I'm laughing too hard. But am I right? That's what he sounds like?
Mo Pie: Sure! Michael has a giant wallet chain. It seems to be made of aluminum foil. 
Weetabix: It sure is huge. Well... we've all heard that.
Mo Pie: Fnnnnrrrrr! Fuuhhrrrnrrrrrr!

Dane Cook

Mo Pie: Yay, more Simon montage! And Dane Cook? Not David Cook?
Weetabix: Oh shut, up really?
Mo Pie: I thought you were in love with Dane Cook.
Weetabix: I have an unfortunate attraction to douchebags. He is on my list of shame, of people I would sleep with.
Mo Pie: I would rather see a montage than Dane Cook.
Weetabix: I'm just enjoying the view.
Mo Pie: You have issues.
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: I did admit the fanfiction thing, so...
Weetabix: That's really what Weetapidol is all about. Us admitting our fatal flaws.
Weetabix: Oh my god, they brought back the people they've mocked in the past.
Mo Pie: Is Pants on the Ground man there?
W I don't know Pants on the Ground man. And they just cut that off because it was dumb. This is a lot of filler.

Christina Aguilera Medley

Mo Pie: This reminds me of Glee. Mercedes sang this in concert and it was good.
Weetabix: See, and that's the thing: I would be very excited if instead of Christina Aguilera coming out, Mercedes comes out.
Mo Pie: I would enjoy it if someone with talent came out.
Weetabix: Who is that?
Mo Pie: That's that Didi chick?
Weetabix: She's showing a ton of tit.
Mo Pie: Boy there's a lot of bum notes in this group. Except Crystal, of course. I do enjoy Siobhan's ripped tights, though.
Weetabix: I honestly do not remember half of these girls.
Mo Pie: Well, Paige was awful, Lacey was awful, Katie was kind of awful and Didi and Siobhan were kind of cool.
Weetabix: Aw yeah, I totally called that!
Mo Pie: Yay Christina!!
Weetabix: She didn't really do anything. All she did was stand and point.
Mo Pie: Yeah, that was very anticlimatic. Wait, maybe she's going to sing now, right? You don't have Christina Aguilera on and don't let her sing. Ok, she's going to sing.
Weetabix: Phew. I like HER tights.
Mo Pie: Yeah!
Weetabix: This must be her new single.
Mo Pie: One of the suggestions I heard for the show now that Simon is gone is because he's anti-Broadway, is to bring in some Broadway! Do some show tunes! I would watch the hell out of that.
Weetabix: Would you watch the hell out of that even if Jamie Foxx was the judge?
Mo Pie: Uh, no, I would not watch the Jamie Foxx parts. But I did love the Legally Blonde reality show. Even though the musical kind of sucked, the reality show was so much fun! Yeah, this is a boring song.
Weetabix: They need a lot of filler.
Mo Pie: Can we ff?
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: Oh my god, have Ricky Gervais be the new judge! Oh my god, I would watch that for sure. FOR SURE!
Weetabix: If we're picking dream judges, then I'm just going to say it right now. Eddie Izzard.
Mo Pie: Oh my god, that would be good.
Weetabix: I feel like it needs to be someone British. They like to put us in our place.
Mo Pie: I love Ricky Gervais. He should be the judge. He knows nothing about music but who cares?
Weetabix: Yeah, Jamie Foxx. He knows nothing about music either!
Mo Pie: I refuse to believe Jamie Foxx is going to be it. It would be the worst choice ever. Ever. EVERRRRR.

Hall and Oates Medley

Weetabix: Oh no, not Hall and Oates. Apparently it's "haul out every performer from the 80s and Christina Aguilera" night.
Mo Pie: Does that mean we're going to get Duran Duran? Because that would be exciting.
Weetabix: No, they're too good for this show. Wow, Andrew Garcia, you're kind of lousy. You don't realize how lousy some of them are until they come back for the finale and open their mouths.
Mo Pie: I wonder if people are actually going to go to this tour.
Weetabix: Well the Glee tour is out there. If I'm going to get my girly fix of the summer it's going to be Glee, and not this bullshit.
Mo Pie: But Glee is only going to four cities.  There's not that many tickets.
Weetabix: Yeah I know. It was in Chicago last weekend and I should have bought tickets, but I didn't.
Mo Pie: It was so gooooooood.
Weetabix: I think I'm just getting crowdphobic. 
Mo Pie: Is that Hall and/or Oates?
Weetabix: Yes, that's Hall. And John Oates there has got the Jewfro.
Mo Pie: I thought he had like a mustache?
Weetabix: He used to. Now apparently he's gone soul patch.
Mo Pie: Oh Lee. Oh Hall and/or Oates. Bored now.
Weetabix: I have to say I do enjoy "Sarah Smiles." I think that's the only good Hall and Oates song.  Are you secretly fuffing?
Mo Pie: No, I'm not, but let's ff.

Alanis Morrisette

Mo Pie: We've now moved into the 90s with Alanis.
Weetabix: Who, by the way, I'm related to. I've told you that before, haven't I? My mother's maiden name is Morrisette.
Mo Pie: Well maybe your cousin or aunt or whatever will show up in a second.
Weetabix: Perhaps. She did not call and alert me.
Mo Pie: Yes, of course, there she is.
Weetabix: You know what the queer thing is though? She actually does look like my mother in some ways. Her nose. Even though I don't think that's her nose. But she kind of has the same bone structure and the same body structure.
Mo Pie: "Would she go down with you to the theater"????
Weetabix: Hahahaha! That's awesome. No, I will not go down with you to the theater!
Mo Pie: That's funny. That's like "I am tired of these these mother-flower snakes on this Monday-to-Friday plane."
Weetabix: Did you ever see the cover that Alanis did of "My Humps"? I enjoy that.
Mo Pie: Yes. That was good. And so is this!
Weetabix: That was delightful. That's the first performance that I didn't want to ff.

Carrie Underwood

Mo Pie: I'm excited to see Carrie. That's a little weird, but I like her songs.
Weetabix: I swear that's the same intro as her "right now" song.
Mo Pie: I want Kristin Chenoweth to come sing it with her, like on Glee!
Weetabix: That would be awesome! No, there won't be any Glee crossovers, damnit. There should be though. They should have that as a reality show, trying out for Glee.
Mo Pie: They're having that show! They're casting Kurt's boyfriend, a love interest for Mercedes, and a Carrie Underwood type. I actually cannot wait for that show!
Weetabix: Ooh. Yeah, it will be good.
Mo Pie: I don't know at what point I stared enjoying Carrie, even though I've heard she's a total bitch. I also enjoy her outfit.
Weetabix: I was gonna say. It's like a country dominatrix thing.
Mo Pie: I enjoy this song. I would probably listen to this. Wow, her teeth are super white! And wow, Kara co-wrote that song?
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: And yet I didn't hate it.

Casey James "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"

Mo Pie: Yeah, "Every Rose Has Its Thorn"! This is a good song for Casey! Plus, he's going to get to meet fresh-out-of-a-coma Bret Michaels!
Weetabix: Ha!
Mo Pie: Yay Bret Michaels! You're alive! Unlike Gary Coleman!
Weetabix: What makes you say that? I mean I know he died today and all, but....
Mo Pie: Well, Bret Michaels was hanging on by a thread due to a head injury and then Gary Coleman had a head injury apparently and he just died, so... logic!
Weetabix: Oh yeah, you're right!
Mo Pie: I actually hadn't thought about the head injury connection, though, I was really thinking celebrity deaths and almost deaths. But I'm glad that Bret Michaels made it.
Weetabix: Go Bret Michaels!
Mo Pie: Go you and your living!

Lee Dewyze and Chicago!

Weetabix: Again, the 80s. Christina's got to be feeling kind of bad right now.
Mo Pie: Well, Alanis was the 90s, right? So they can hang out outside this little time warp that the show is on. Wait, was Poison the 80s?
Weetabix: Yeah, 1988ish.
Mo Pie: Oh, go little Chicago man!
Weetabix: That's Peter Cetera!
Mo Pie: Really?
Weetabix: Yeah, that's what Peter Cetera did before he had a solo career. He was in Chicago.
Mo Pie: It's so weird that they have all of these bands that the audience has no idea who they are.
Weetabix: I know, it's like Guy Lombardo would be to us. We'd be like "Huh?"
Mo Pie: Think of how awesome it was last time when they had Adam and Kris singing with Queen.
Weetabix: Another band that the audience didn't know.
Mo Pie: Well, they had Queen week, so the audience knew that they did Bohemian Rhapsody. Or maybe I'm just projecting.

Pants on the Ground

Mo Pie: I love how the memorable moments Ryan just listed were Kelly, Fantasia, and Adam. Winner, winner, and runner up.
Weetabix: Winner, winner, and chicken dinner.
Mo Pie: Ha! And it is the Pants on the Ground man!
Weetabix: I don't even know who this guy is.
Mo Pie: He's the Pants on the Ground man!
Weetabix: I've gathered.
Mo Pie: He's vaguely confused so this is a little unfortunate. Oh god, William Hung. We don't need William Hung again, show.
Weetabix: He's got to be what, now, forty?
Mo Pie: William Hung was like, five seasons ago?
Weetabix: Wasn't he first season?
Mo Pie: I thought it was like third season? Hmm.

Paula Montage

Mo Pie: Do you think they're going to bring Paula back net season?
Weetabix: No.
Mo Pie: I've heard rumors.
Weetabix: They need a mean person. A mean, preferably British person.
Mo Pie: I heard they might replace Kara with Paula.
Weetabix: That is in your dreams. You are daydreaming.
Mo Pie: Don't make fun of Randy's man-boobs, Paula. Randy's not mean, he doesn't deserve that.
Weetabix: True. Aw, Paula's tribute was very sweet. AND THERE'S PAULA! Or as Simon would say [British acccent] "POULA." Why is she getting a standing ovation? All she did was walk on the stage?
Mo Pie: Everyone misses her!
Weetabix: She looks so cute there in her red dress! I hope she goes and face plants on Kara.
Mo Pie: Ellen and Paula! Have they even met?
Weetabix: Maybe not.
Mo Pie: This is kind of filler, though.
Weetabix: Yeah, this is kind of awkward.
Mo Pie: We don't need... this. She's gonna give a speech?
Weetabix: You know what this reminds me of? Weddings where the drunken bridesmaid goes up to give a toast and you can't get the microphone away from her.
Mo Pie: She's even wearing kind of a bridesmaid's dress.
Weetabix: And all the of the jewelry from all the other bridesmaids.
Mo Pie: And she's still talking.
Weetabix: It's like no time has passed, because she's just rambling, except she doesn't have Simon to cut her off.
Mo Pie: And she's not saying, like, magic fluffy kitty unicorn. But just give her a second.
Weetabix: They musicked her off.  Aw, little flashback Kelly! And Dunkleman! For just a second.
Mo Pie: They didn't bring him out to give a speech?
Weetabix: He's too busy valeting Paula's car.
Mo Pie: Ha!

Previous Idols

Weetabix: KELLY!!
Mo Pie: KELLY!!! Aw, it's the very first Idol! And there's Ruben!
Weetabix: Wow, Ruben has loist a significant amount of weight. Fantasia!
Mo Pie: I love Fantasia!
Weetabix: And Carrie was already there.
Mo Pie: They're not gonna let Taylor sing.  There's Jordin! They really did just skip him.
Weetabix: They did! Oh... there he is.
Mo Pie: Go, Old Man Hicks! And there's Kris.... I wonder where David Cook is?
Weetabix: Maybe he's just not coming out. Aren't we missing someone else?
Mo Pie: Lee?
Weetabix: Oh well. Yeah, where is David Cook?
Mo Pie: There must be a good reason. People who are way more famous than him are there.
Weetabix: Did you see that? Kelly just had to usher Paula off Simon's lap. There was drama.
Weetabix: There's Castro! Ace Young and Justin Guarini! And douchey penis-nosed whats his face?
Mo Pie: Constantine is there?
Weetabix: They're all wearing white like the've died. Oh, Elliot! Elliot Yamin! I'm surprised they didn't get J. Hud.
Mo Pie: There's Archuleta!
Weetabix: Jordin didn't get the memo that she wasn't supposed to wear white like the also rans.
Mo Pie: There's no Lamberrrr.
Weetabix: Because he's too good for this show.
Mo Pie: Ruben looks fancy.
Weetabix: Oh my god, so now Simon's unbuttoned to the fifth button.
Mo Pie: Paula did that.
Weetabix: Why is Paula going up? Now they have the smoke of the dead.
Mo Pie: I don't know who some of those people are up there.
Weetabix: No. I see Archuleta. The guy with the fro is Justin Guarini.
Mo Pie: But who's the blonde next to Guarini?
Weetabix: Katherine McPhee? She's blonde now, right?
Mo Pie: No... that's not Katherine, I don't think... I just want them to show all the people.
Weetabix: They're just going to rob us of that. They just showed quick clips.
Mo Pie: They kept Taylor out of all those shots.
[We rewind and try to spot more people]
Mo Pie: I'm sad they didn't make more of this... like, people like Diana Digarmo should have been able to sing.
Weetabix: Fuck yeah.
Mo Pie: I mean, Diana and Bo came in second place, they weren't like total also-rans.
Weetabix: Most of the second place finishers were there... Guarini, Archuleta... and I think McPhee was there somewhere.
Mo Pie: I still don't see McPhee, but I wanted more singing from the old Idols!

TOP 12, Janet Jackson

Mo Pie: I would much rather see the people from previous seasns like this boring-ass top 12.
Weetabix: Well, the argument could be made that the boring-ass top 12, this is their time. The other people had their time. But you're right. I would actually like to see all of them sing at some point. Oh, Janet Jackson! Another person from the 80s. Although she was actually 90s too.
Mo Pie: She's kind of like the same as Paula Abdul.
Weetabix: Maybe she could replace Kara. Why is she wearing the evil queen from Snow White clothes?
Mo Pie: Why isn't Diana DiGarmo singing? I like her! 
Weetabix: It really does unnerve me how much Janet's voice sounds like Michael's.
Mo Pie: Especially right now, in this song. Like, it could be the same person if you close your eyes.
Weetabix: That's what I'm saying.
Mo Pie: This is unfortunately boring though.
Weetabix: If this were Constantine, I'd be listening.
Mo Pie: There are weird dancers but it's more lively!
Weetabix: Ooh, she's going to dance! She's changing behind a screen!
Mo Pie: She's dancing kind of weirdly.
Weetabix: She's old.
Mo Pie: She's not that old.
Weetabix: She's sixty, like George Clooney.
Mo Pie: Hahahaha! You're so mean.

Lee and Crystal

Mo Pie: Isn't Joe Cocker kind of the same as Taylor Hicks?
Weetabix: Pretty much.
Mo Pie: Who cares!
Weetabix: Oh god, he forgot the words. Quite honestly, I thought he was dead. Like, of a drug overdose years ago.
Mo Pie: Apparently not.
Weetabix: I think I confused him with John Belushi.
Mo Pie: Last chance to say... "Predictions?"
Both: Hahahahahah!
Mo Pie: Oh, Lee is crying! Oh, little Lee.
Weetabix: I think they tell them before they go out.
Mo Pie: They are both certainly acting like it's about to be Lee.
Weetabix: I think they both know.
Mo Pie: Oh he didn't even hug Crystal!
Weetabix: So much for getting by with a little help from their friends.
Mo Pie: I really don't understand how this happened but... you go, Lee Dewyze. Now he's going to sing his song. I just don't think he's got a very interesting voice--I don't know. I think I've made my point. And also, I'm still disappointed Diana DiGarmo didn't get to sing.
Weetabix: Any closing words for the season?
Mo Pie: The season was really boring. And... I don't know, they're going to have to do something to get me back next season. What do you think?
Weetabix: Where Mopie goes, so goes my nation.
Mo Pie: I also heard the idea that they could do an All Star season with all the people who didn't win. Like Daughtry! and Adam Lamberrr and Clay Aiken. Can you imagine? The dueling fan bases?
Weetabix: Oh my god, you would be so conflicted!
Mo Pie: I know, I would probably go Adam Lamberr. I love him! But oh my god, Daughtry would be there too! I don't know! So that's my prediction, I want them to do that and also have Ricky Gervais be the judge. Oh, and do Broadway songs.

Weetapidol out!

P.S. Congratulations Carly for winning the Weetapidol pool! Email us your address and your American Idol-related prize of choice! And see you next season! ...Maybe.


Blogger Kim said...

I will seriously pay good money and/or continuously vote for the contestant who, during next season's annual Hollywood week admonishment to remember the lyrics, questions that necessity. After all, Lee forgot the lyrics to every single song he auditioned with and he won.+

9:37 AM  
Blogger Shmuel said...

Not during the season, though... remember Brooke?

Regarding the teleprompter in the finale: they made an exception just for that week, on grounds that Lee and Crystal had to learn something like a dozen songs for the performances and the finale, and something had to give.

Regarding David Cook: he was busy with a charity benefit for cancer that night.

Finally, it's kind of nice to hear that Kristy Lee Cook did sort of win! (I still maintain that her take on "Eight Days a Week" was an unjustly maligned delight.)

1:53 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

And KLC was there at the finale! Probably because SHE CONTROLS EVERYTHING.

3:27 PM  

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