Tuesday, May 18, 2010

Top 4: Michael Jackson in a Tree

Mo Pie: I have to tell you the bad news: Jamie Foxx is the mentor this week. They say that they’re considering having him as the fourth judge of American Idol and if that happens, I think I’ll stop watching American Idol.
Weetabix: I cosign that.
Mo Pie: You know my opening credits “spot Taylor” game? If the game was “spot David Cook,” I would totally be winning, because I've seen him like five times.
Weetabix: Who are they going to get rid of if they are having Jamie Foxx?
Mo Pie: Well, Simon is leaving.
Weetabix: Oh. Yeah.
Mo Pie: Yeah, can you imagine trading Simon, who's not perfect, but he's Simon... for Jamie Foxx. Eeeeh.
Weetabix: I think I will have lost all enthusiasm for this show, which arguably isn't a lot.
Mo Pie: I'm trying to think, like, what if they had a contestant as good as Adam Lamberr but with Jamie Foxx as a judge? Then I think I'd have to watch but fast forward through most of it. But I think some of the magic would be gone.
Weetabix: Oh my god, they're justifying having Jamie Foxx as the mentor with this montage.
Mo Pie: He's a multi-platinum R&B artist?
Weetabix: Who is buying that record?
Mo Pie: I have no idea. Oh god, Jamie Foxx. He has like zero credibility.
Weetabix: Bring back Miley Cyrus!
Mo Pie: Ha! Yes. Oh my god, Jamie Foxx, you're so annoying!
Weetabix: He's so self-righteous!
Mo Pie: He is! He's so smug! What's with the T-shirts?
Weetabix: Jamie Foxx, you should have a t-shirt that says DUMB ASS

Lee DeWyze, “Kiss from a Rose”

Mo Pie: Jamie Foxx is going to make out with Lee… that will liven up the show! I think this is Jamie Foxx's only mentoring technique, to try to kiss the dudes. I hear he's on the downlow, so that would make sense.
Weetabix: This song got Heidi Klum in bed, so it's potent.
Mo Pie: I used to love this song.
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: Oh yeah. But Lee doesn't have Seal's falsetto.
Weetabix: What movie was this from, Batman?
Mo Pie: Yeah, not the first one, but one of the subsequent ones. Not Michael Keaton, but one of the other ones.
Weetabix: Kilmer, maybe?
Mo Pie: He sounds awful. Am I crazy? Does this sound good?
Weetabix: You are not crazy.
Mo Pie: I'm actually getting tense, waiting for his voice to crack again. Acapella Randy now has an alligator on his shirt. Now he's basically dressed as Andy Bernard from The Office.
Weetabix: Who is also in an acapella group.
Mo Pie: Exactly. Oh, Ellen's little scarf thing? I love it!
Weetabix: It's an ascot week! It's going to be a good week.
Mo Pie: And Kara is dressed like a motivational speaker.
Weetabix: Oh my god, she's totally a middle manager. Or a second-tier Mary Kay sales leader.
Mo Pie: Can you imagine how terrifying that would be, to have her pull up in her pink car and assault you with blusher?
[Mo refills wine and then sings in falsetto, relaying a "Scuse Me While I Kiss This Guy" anecdote which is adorable and too difficult to relay.]

Michael Lynche, “I Will Be There”

Weetabix: Jamie Foxx has got a skull tattoo?
Mo Pie: Is this "I Will Be There"? I like this song. What movie is it from?
Weetabix: I don't even know what song it is yet.
Mo Pie: The River Jordan song.
Weetabix: Rupert Jordan?
Mo Pie: River Jordan.
Weetabix: No idea.
Mo Pie: I think it's Michael Jackson?
Weetabix: I think it's The Lion King or something.
Mo Pie: Same thing.
Weetabix: This sounds familiar. I'm not joking, I think this is a Disney movie.
Mo Pie: I still think it's Michael Jackson. I'm going with Michael Jackson. Maybe for a Disney movie!
Weetabix: Googling "hold me" and "lift me up" brings up a song from Zach and Miri Make a Porno. And I don't think that's it!
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weetabix: I don't know. It was Michael Lynche.
Mo Pie: Yeah. I'm really very bored.
Weetabix: You were right about Michael Jackson! Yay! You're so smart. Was it really Free Willy?
Mo Pie: I really hope so. I want to rewind the performance and listen again, this time while visualizing a killer whale swimming around.
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: Kara's outfit is still killing me. "Let me call your attention to this org chart..."
Weetabix: "I've prepared a few PowerPoint slides... I have a value stream map..." this is so close to my actual daily work that it's sad.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: By the way, a bit of trivia, Michael Jackson wrote this song while sitting in a tree at his Neverland Ranch. Is this really happening?
Mo Pie: I was about to ask you the same thing.
Weetabix: I don't love Big Mike, because he's totally fucked up my whole spreadsheet scoring shit, by the way.
Mo Pie: You just need to do a decimal. It'll be okay. You're very smart.

Lee and Crystal, "Falling Slowly"

Mo Pie: I love this song!
Weetabix: It reminds me of our painful attempt to sing this at karaoke.
Mo Pie: Let's not think of that. Let's just enjoy. Does Crystal Bowersox have a dream catcher in her hair?
Weetabix: Oh I love this!!!!
Mo Pie: ME TOOO!!!!!!
[It should be noted that both of our voices went up two octaves by complete accident.]
Mo Pie: I'm not saying anything because I'm possibly for the first time in weeks enjoying a performance on this show. Although it's different because Crystal’s voice is in a totally different octave than Martina Irglova...Martika Irglova... something... woman.
Weetabix: The Polish woman.
Mo Pie: I believe she's Czech.
Weetabix: Right. Some middle European country.
Mo Pie: There’s Kara! She's going to give me a performance review and then we'll do a salary negotiation. Will you tell me about my 401 contribution, Kara?
Weetabix: I love it when Simon gets a little chub.
Mo Pie: Ooooh, Lee and Crystal are adorable. TOP TWO! Oooh, sexual tension! We'll have to call them Boweryze. Leestal? I'll work on it.

Casey James, "Mrs. Robinson"

Mo Pie: So, Casey's dressed like one of the Four Tops. This should be interesting. I'm paused on Jamie Foxx clapping and doing the White Man's Overbite. Which is ironic!
Weetabix: Ha! I'm not there yet.
Mo Pie: Jamie Foxx wants Casey to seduce him??
Weetabix: You were onto this! He is on the downlow. And on the lowdown. I got an update on the Vegas odds, and Casey is favored to win.
Mo Pie: No he's not! That cannot be right.
Weetabix: It did! didn't I forward it to you? Casey’s dreamy, he's got God lighting, he's got Ted Nugent, Frampton-Comes-Alive lighting.
Mo Pie: He's got a ukulele! He's not going to win.
Weetabix: That's not a ukulele, that's a guitar! He's dreamy, he's Blonde Ace!
Mo Pie: Hm.
Weetabix: Jamie's a little bit right, because Mrs. Robinson is about seduction, and he's singing it like that Hawaiian dude singing Over The Rainbow.
Mo Pie: WITH A UKELELE. This is terrible. This is really terrible.
Weetabix: He should have done… anything else. This is not a good song, with a ukulele.
Mo Pie: And then his Four Tops jacket? He's.... not going to win. He did not sound "cool," Randy.
Weetabix: Oooh oooh! I did forward it to you. Let the record show! "Casey James will leave the show this....” oh.
Mo Pie: [Laughter.]
Weetabix: Alright, I rescind my Ooh. My “Oooh oooh” privileges have been taken away.
Mo Pie: [Still laughing.]
Weetabix: Kara would like you to know that this quarter's earnings have reached a year-end low.
Mo Pie: So has this show.
Weetabix: It's true.
Mo Pie: I continue to enjoy how miniaturized Ryan Seacrest looks next to Casey.
Weetabix: He is a little oompa loompa there.

Crystal, "A Song From Caddyshack"

Weetabix: Who picks a song from Caddyshack?
Mo Pie: Apparently Crystal Bowersox.
Weetabix: I think Jamie Foxx has a chub. No lie.
Mo Pie: Oh god. Oh god, Jamie Foxx.
Weetabix: He's got to shut up with these shirts!
Mo Pie: Can you imagine if he has a gimmick like this every week as a judge? "This week, I have these dueling beer cozies to give out…"
Weetabix: Ha! Oh, this is so good.
Mo Pie: I don't know this song and I think it's good.
Weetabix: How do you not know this song? It's Caddyshack?!
Mo Pie: You didn't know the River Jordan Michael Jackson in a Tree song!
Weetabix: I've never seen Free Willy!
Mo Pie: I've never seen Caddyshack!
Weetabix: How is that possible? I even own this DVD!
Mo Pie: I don't know! Ian is also looking at me crazy.
Weetabix: Thank you Ian.
Mo Pie: [to Ian] Wendy appreciates your support.
Weetabix: I appreciate and share in his incredulity.
Mo Pie: How does it compare to the original?
Weetabix: It stands on its own!
Mo Pie: Ian says no.
Weetabix: I disagree. It was good!
Mo Pie: Simon says that Crystal's back in the game. When was she ever out of the game?
Weetabix: We missed a week.
Mo Pie: Oh, that's right, we probably missed a few weeks. Casey and Michael are going to do a Bryan Adams song? Oh my god.
Weetabix: I hope it's that song from Robin Hood.
Mo Pie: Oh, please let it be the song from Robin Hood.

Casey and Mike, "Have You Ever Really Loved a Woman”

Mo Pie: Have you ever really loved a woman? Perhaps the answer, in this song, will be “no, but we have really loved each other.”
Weetabix: In Jamie Foxx's head...
Mo Pie: I hate this song. I really hate this song. And Mike can't play the guitar.
Weetabix: I think he's faking it. There's no sound coordinating to his strumming.
Mo Pie: They might as well just have given him a Rock Band guitar. Yellow yellow red green...
Weetabix: I wish they'd given him a tambourine. In fact, I wish there was one for Rock Band. I would have rocked the hell out of that. All my favorite artists are tambourinists. Davy Jones... I'm just going to name every tambourine artist so I don't have to listen to this song. I fucking hate this song.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: Linda McCartney, a tambourinist... Tracey Partridge...
Mo Pie: I think they do have a tambourine in Rock Band, where you're supposed to hit the microphone?
Weetabix: I would like an actual tambourine, none of this faux verisimillitude.
Mo Pie: "The guitar playing was excellent, CASEY."
Weetabix: Ha!
Mo Pie: And that song fucking sucks. And yay, Ellen, lesbian humor!
Weetabix: Yay, Ellen! Remind America that lesbians exist! That's what I want Ellen to do. Constantly remind America that it does not let people like Ellen and Portia di Rossi get married.
Mo Pie: Well America did let them get married, but now they want to take it back.
Weetabix: I wouldn't have called this duet a million times better than the solos. Don Juan de Marco will never be better than anything.
Mo Pie: It's better than Prop 8, that's all I'll say for it.
Weetabix: Well, a pile of shit is better than Prop 8.

Final Thoughts

Mo Pie: So, superfluous predictions, or final thoughts?
Weetabix: I predict a fucked up Excel spreadsheet.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: I have to agree with the actual Vegas odds, that Casey is stuck in third place. What does the Hive Mind think? Oh, the Hive Mind thinks Siobhan is going.
Mo Pie: Oh, I remember Siobhan!
Weetabix: The Hive Mind... the top 4 were in the Hive Mind's top 5. Not too fucking bad.
Mo Pie: Yeah, the Hive Mind is doing well this year.
Weetabix: I'm going to base all my predictions off of the Hive Mind from now on.
Mo Pie: But you can't, because you're part of the Hive Mind. So it's a Catch-22.
Weetabix: Hmm. I’ll work on it.

Weetapidol out!


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