Saturday, May 01, 2010

Top 6: It's Centrifugal Motion

Mo Pie: I know we skipped a couple of weeks, but looking at these six people, I have no recollection of anyone who went home.
Weetabix: Flowers in the Attic, and Mr. Toad, and... I don't know, after that. Didi, maybe? No, Tim Urban!
Mo Pie: Tim! That's who I was forgetting.
Weetabix: Surprising, that he went home. I blame bad lighting for that week. Bad lighting sent Tim Urban home.
Mo Pie: I see.
Weetabix: Can I just say right now? I loathe country. This crossover shit? This Shania Twain crap? I don't like Shania at all. I have extreme bias. Someone's gotta make me love their shit because it's a huge uphill battle.
Mo Pie: So how do you feel about Carrie Underwood?
Weetabix: Loathe.
Mo Pie: Even "Before He Cheats"?!?
Weetabix: It's all "Twang Twang Twaaang!" I literally get a headache from steel guitar.
Mo Pie: Noted.
Weetabix: Does Ellen even try to get dressed anymore? Did you see what she's wearing? It's like she just came in from the car, shaking the rain off her hair.
Mo Pie: I didn't see her, I was typing. And it's annoying that they're only doing Shania Twain songs. Doesn't she only have three songs?
Weetabix: I think she has like eight. She's got that one that they're playing right now, and a couple that they play at this restaurant I go to all the time. You know when I hear Shania is at karaoke. I don't even know what her real self sounds like.
Mo Pie: I like the song about kissing. That's the only one I remember.
Weetabix: Sixpence None The Richer? That's not Shania Twain.
Mo Pie: No, not that one... I think she has a different one about kissing.
Weetabix: Kissing a cowboy? I'm just guessing,. I'm using Mad Libs country songs to guess.
Mo Pie: "It'll be a great week for everyone," Casey? I have a feeling it won't be a great week for Siobhan.
Weetabix: Hee. Shania's very sparkly. She has aged very well, considering she obviously tans.

Lee DeWyze, "?You're Still The One"

Weetabix: This is one of the eight songs.
Mo Pie: I just remembered, the “centrifugal motion” song is the one I was thinking of! Is that Shania Twain?
Weetabix: That's Trisha Yearwood or Faith Evans or someone. It's the blonde chick who said "motherfucker" when Carrie Underwood won the country Grammy.
Mo Pie: Lee DeWyze makes me bored. I actually like this song in a Lite Radio kind of way.
Weetabix: You and your Lite Radio. He actually reminds me when he's singing of Bruce Willis, early Moonlighting Bruce Willis.
Mo Pie: This was a friend's wedding song, so I have happy associations. But that was just aigt for me, dawg.
Weetabix: I didn't think it was bad. I think it was better than he's done.
Mo Pie: I like Randy's acapella sweater this week. And there's Ellen in her hoodie! I think she looks cute.
Weetabix: She's wearing a Members Only jacket! And Kara's already jumping on Ellen's critique.
Mo Pie: Kara just leans into whatever shot is happening. Soon she's going to poke her head in when Ryan Seacrest is introducing people.
Weetabix: She's also got bad hair tonight. Shania Twain does not approve.
ML Well Simon liked it.
Weetabix: I still think he's lulling the crowd so they vote him off.
Mo Pie: So he doesn't beat Crystal?
Weetabix: Perhaps. I don't necessarily think she's the golden child this time. I feel like they're loading us with...someone else.
Mo Pie: So who's the chosen one, then?
Weetabix: I think Siobhan was! Which threw my whole theory off. I kind of feel like it needed to be a girl.
Mo Pie: Well according to What Not To Sing, nobody has ever been voted off from the pimp spot before, unless it's like the top two or three. For 53 consecutive episodes.
Weetabix: Wow.

Michael Lynche, "It Only Hurts When I'm Breathing"

Mo Pie: I bet they're upset that they wasted the save on Mike when they could have used it for Siobhan.
Weetabix: If they really wanted to save her, the grassy knoll would have saved her.
Mo Pie: They could not have anticipated that she'd get voted off in the pimp spot. It thwarted their plans.
Weetabix: Perhaps. I don't really believe anything about the voting veracity bullshit anyway.
Mo Pie: I think they don't manipulate the voting counting. I think they manipulate it through lighting, pimp spot, judges comments, that kind of thing.
Weetabix: Hmm.
Mo Pie: This is no “In The Ghetto,” Michael Lynche. But next week is Sinatra week and I'm excited because I love Sinatra songs.
Weetabix: I love Sinatra but I predict that I'm going to be upset.
Mo Pie: Because they're going to butcher it?
Weetabix: Yes, someone will do something to a song I love.
Mo Pie: I think Mike is wearing a wallet chain around his neck. Randy, how was that a great song? I don't even remember it anymore and he just sang it 30 seconds ago.
Weetabix: Yeah, it was boring..
Mo Pie: I love how Kara is just kissing Shania Twain's ass. “Let's write a song together!” Is Kara wearing tinfoil around her neck?
Weetabix: It seems to be some kind of breast place.
Mo Pie: It's a situation. A breast plate situation.
Weetabix: Did they really just talk about the wet dry thing? Did that just happen?
Mo Pie: Yes, the wet dry thing happened. Did he mean moist eyed? I don't know, someone come and sing something that makes me less bored.
Weetabix: Please.
Mo Pie: Oh Shania Twain. "I'm so emotional. Someone fix my makeup!" That was not as charming as she thought it was. "I can't be bothered to do my own makeup" does not come across well.

Casey James, "Don't"

Mo Pie: Now I can't get "Blonde Ace" out of my mind when I look at him.
Weetabix: He's totally Blonde Ace! Speaking of which, what has Brunette Ace been up to?
Mo Pie: No idea.
Weetabix: Manning the Enterprise Rent A Car counter?
Mo Pie: Hee. This song is called "Don't"? Why would someone use a contraction as a song title?
Weetabix: Because it sounds better than "Ain't"? Let's see if Blonde Ace has bad lighting like Tim Urban did last week.
Mo Pie: That wasn't last week, it was... some previous week.
Weetabix: Some other time, yes.
Mo Pie: He has pretty blue lights in his hair!
Weetabix: He has good lighting. He has the Jesus lighting, that makes him look like an angel. So is James really his last name, or is that just his middle name because his last name is unpronounceable?
Mo Pie: I have no idea. He could also be pretentious, like Megan Joy Whatsherface.
Weetabix: Oh god, I hated her. We know Aaron Kelly's last name is Kelly because his mom's name is Kelly Kelly.
Mo Pie: This is an adequate performance from Casey.
Weetabix: I'm kinda feelin' it. I don't know this song, but I'm kinda feelin' it.
Mo Pie: Maybe you're just feeling the effects of the lighting.
Weetabix: Maybe I'm feeling the effects of him in my pants. I have to agree with Randy, it really was the best Casey James performance!
Mo Pie: I wish Randy would ditch the friendship beads and let his acapella sweater speak for itself.
Weetabix: With those beads, he's trying to say "I am the father of Sandra Bullock's baby."

Crystal Bowersox

Weetabix: you know what would suck
Mo Pie: If Cyrstal Bowersox doesn't win?
Weetabix: That. And being the guest mentor and having these Idol contestants saying things like "I've been a fan of yours since I was a little girl."
Mo Pie: Oooh, Crystal has a boyfriend.
Weetabix: Well, she does have a baby.
Mo Pie: She's got a whole ensemble there.
Weetabix: And the lighting matches her dress.
Mo Pie: And there's her rug. NPR had a good article that said if Crystal Bowersox doesn't win, then American Idol is screwed. I don't know, Adam Lamberrr didn't win last year and Kris Allen has that single. It's not embarrassing that Adam didn't win, it's just sad.
Weetabix: Justin Guarini. That's all I have to say.
Mo Pie: Imagine a world where Justin Guarini won. If all the runners up won! Clay Aiken, who basically did win. Diana DiGuarmo, Bo Bice, Blake Lewis, Adam Lamberr... who am I missing?
Weetabix: The little Mormon kid.
Mo Pie: Oh yeah, Archuleta. So, I don't know what my point was, just that Crystal Bowersox should win. Oh, I think it was The Soup that pointed out that Kara is always saying "I agree with the guys." but she's talking about Ellen and Randy.
Weetabix: I said that! I brought that up!
Mo Pie: Oh, maybe that's where I got it from. And also, Joel McHale, who stole it from you.
Weetabix: We didn't talk about Crystal's singing at all.
Mo Pie: Well, it was fine, I think all of these performances are fine. I'm not excited about any of them, although I do have Crystal's "Me and Bobby McGee" on my iPod and I listened to it today at the gym. It was my cool down song and it ruled. What do you think about her singing?
Weetabix: It was good. It was a B side.
Mo Pie: Yep, there it is. You nailed it. It was a B side.

Aaron Kelly

Weetabix: This Shania/Aaron Kelly relationship is creepy. Also, I never realized this, but Shania's got an annoying speaking voice.
Mo Pie: Yeah she does.
Weetabix: This is a karaoke song, and there's steel guitar. And... Aaron Kelly has the claw! He has the claw!
Mo Pie: Wait, that sounds familiar... who had the claw?
Weetabix: Taylor!
Mo Pie: Oh my god! We haven't seen the Claw since Season 5!
Weetabix: That just made me happy.
Mo Pie: Wait, did we call Aaron “Castrochuleta”? Who was that?
Weetabix: No, that was someone else. Aaron is like Kevin Covais with Kris Allen's voice. He's Covallen.
Mo Pie: Right, Kevin Covais!
Weetabix: Look at this--we're both watching this in HD. Do you see any follicles capable of creating beard hair? I do not.
Mo Pie: No.
Weetabix: Sometimes when the camera catches Ellen at the wrong angle, she looks like Mr. Burns.
Mo Pie: I'm not going to type that! That's mean!
Weetabix: It's like the shadow catches her nose and makes it really long and pointy.
Mo Pie: I love Ellen. I'm an Ellen apologist.
Weetabix: I love her too! I think Ellen herself would say she has a pointy nose.
Mo Pie: Oh little Aaron Kelly and your mom, Kelly Kelly. That's so cute!
Weetabix: That is funny! Still funny. Not as funny as the "Black Family" on Amazing Race, but still funny.
Mo Pie: I still can't see Aaron doing anything but fading into obscurity after this.
Weetabix: He doesn't have the Jonas Brothers cuteness. This is the cutest he will ever be. If he got a nose job, he might have a chance.

Siobhan Magnus

Mo Pie: Poor doomed Siobhan. We have to watch her knowing where this goes. She's so cute! Who would vote her off?
Weetabix: I think we were potentially all bucking against having Siobhan shoved down our throats.
Mo Pie: She's got the pimp spot. She's got a gospel choir.
Weetabix: She's singing this kind of low energy, it's weird.
Mo Pie: She's wearing a strange outfit, but strange in a good way. I kind of like it.
Weetabix: This is probably the fastest Shania Twain song.
Mo Pie: I never realized that she had an Edward Gorey tattoo.
Weetabix: I've said it every week! It's in your kitchen!
Mo Pie: I knew it intellectually, but I had never seen it. Like I didn't see that it was the one that's in my kitchen. Oooh, that wasn't a great note, actually.
Weetabix: I think that was her death knell.
Mo Pie: I still think I like Siobhan's performance more than anyone. Even at the end there, it had some personality, which I liked.
Weetabix: I do like her boots.
Kara: Guess who's back!?”
Mo Pie: Guess who's going back home? Oh, they loved her!
Weetabix: Death knell.
Mo Pie: You're just saying that because hindsight is 20/20.
Weetabix: Yeah, I am.

Final Words

Mo Pie: Of all the contestants, I would have said she was the last person I would predict to go home. My prediction would have been Casey, maybe? Maybe Mike.
Weetabix: Mine would have been Mike.
Mo Pie: Definitely not Siobhan. My final words are that I will miss Siobhan because I think she could have done a good Sinatra song and it's going to be boring with just a bunch of guys and Crystal.
Weetabix: It would have been interesting seeing her incorporate a scream into Sinatra.
Mo Pie: But alas, we will never know.
Weetabix: Alas.

Weetapidol out!


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