Thursday, May 20, 2010

Top 3 Night: We Can't Just Sugar Free Kool-Aid This Bitch.

Weetabix: I'm embarrassed when Ryan tries to bring any legitimacy to the intros.
Mo Pie: Me too. This isn’t the Oscars, Ryan.
Weetabix: Oh, he let the Idols say "This is American Idol"! This might be a first.
Mo Pie: It might just be!
Weetabix: Judging by the Twitter feed, and the fact that Lee DeWyze is singing one of my favorite songs tonight, I had to drink the wines. I can't just Sugar Free Kool-Aid this bitch.
Mo Pie: Hee!
Weetabix: I have this theory that Lee is doing do well because America is sad they didn't vote for Danny Gokey. Either that or they really think he's BJ Novak.
Mo Pie: I still think Crystal's going to win.
Weetabix: Really?
Mo Pie: I'm calling it. Crystal.
Weetabix: Randy is wearing a repeat sweater!
Mo Pie: So he is!

Casey, "Okay, It's Alright With Me"

Mo Pie: I don't know this song.
Weetabix: Me either. It must be country.
Mo Pie: There's no suspense here. Casey is going home.
Weetabix: We’ll find out by the time we're done blogging this, because the results will be in.
Mo Pie: I stopped expecting any upsets this season. I guess Siobhan leaving was an upset.
Weetabix: Siobhan was a big shocker! Either her or Michael Lynche.
Mo Pie: The first time or the second time?
Weetabix: The first time. The second time was more like, “Are you gone yet?"
Mo Pie: This is just boring me. Which is my standard reaction this season.
Weetabix: Yeah. This song, it's been now done, and I already don't remember it anymore. Also, the light seemed to be making bowling pins on the stage. Casey lights seem to be a fail.
Mo Pie: I love how Randy got to give a shout out to his favorite word, "Alright."
Weetabix: It's the little things, for Randy.
Mo Pie: I do enjoy Ellen's sweater.
Weetabix: I'm pretty sure I had a sweater like that in 1992, that I wore with LL Bean Duck Shoes.
Mo Pie: I don't know what that means, but I would buy the hell out of that sweater. I think Emma Pillsbury has a similar sweater on Glee.
Weetabix: Ah, but there it was paired with a necklace or a bow-like scarf.
Mo Pie: "Casey sounds like a busker" is pretty good criticism from Simon!
Weetabix: That was fairly astute. Casey is a busker.
Mo Pie: Oh, Blonde Ace. I will... sort of miss you.
Weetabix: In your pants.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come to My Window”

Weetabix: Crystal has got some kind of creepy necklace, it's coming right out of her throat.
Mo Pie: I think that's called a harmonica.
Weetabix: No, also that, but a necklace! Coming out of her throat!
Mo Pie: Oh yeah! It's like a tree or something.
Weetabix: Maybe it's the physical representation of her voice?
Mo Pie: I'm excited that she's doing Melissa Etheridge. She's had her guitar signed and everything by Melissa Etheridge. But it's awkward to have that harmonica just sticking out there. I think she should have lost the harmonica.
Weetabix: It does make her hold her head strangely, singing around it.
Mo Pie: I feel that there's no surprises about this. It's totally Crystal. It's great, but what else have you got? And also, I didn't get an Adam Lamberrr ticket this morning. They sold out. I thought I was going to get one!
Weetabix: I'm sorry to hear that.
Mo Pie: I can get them from craigslist or something, but my point was, I cannot imagine trying this hard to get a Crystal Bowersox ticket. I'm imagining myself a year from today and I can't see myself wanting to go see a Crystal Bowersox concert.
Weetabix: Oh sure, Ellen, of course you love this song, it's about a lesbian.
Mo Pie: Kara's just going to call the singer “Melissa.” You're not a lesbian, Kara, you don’t get to use her first name. You're not in the lesbian club so you just shut it.
Weetabix: Hee.
Mo Pie: I agree with Simon. She's no Adam Lamberrr.
Weetabix: It's not about your son being healthy. It's about standing outside some woman's window that you want to have sex with!
Mo Pie: Yes, she's missed that point completely. It's about eating pussy, Crystal!

Lee DeWyze, "Simple Man"

Weetabix: I keep getting him confused with Danny Gokey. I keep thinking, is he from Milwaukee?
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weetabix: So how many boring white guys will have won in a row if Lee wins?
Mo Pie: Three?
Weetabix: I think it's a shoutout to “Dear Mo Pie, Your Demographic Theory? Forget It.” Because if it comes down to Casey and Lee...
Mo Pie: Ugh, I know.
Weetabix: What a sucktastic song to pick for yourself.
Mo Pie: I don't know this song.
Weetabix: It's on the Classic Rock station, that’s why. You're listening to Lite FM, and I'm listening to stations people our age actually listen to. So we totally missed this.
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weetabix: I bet all the 50-year-old men in the audience are loving this. “SKYNAARRDD!” This guy's gonna open for Dave Matthews Band, that's all I'm saying.
Mo Pie: Again, and still, I'm bored.
Weetabix: I'm less bored than with Casey James, maybe because a decade ago I would be swooning over this. He doesn't have the—yes I will say it—RAW SEXUALITY of Danny Gokey.
Mo Pie: WHAT!??!?!
Weetabix: Yes. I'll give you five reasons.
Mo Pie: [Incredulous laughter]
Weetabix: 1. Wallet chain.
Mo Pie: Obviously.
Weetabix: 2. Glasses.
Mo Pie: Again, yes, I will cosign that.
Weetabix: 3. Not 5'2"
Mo Pie: I also like tall guys, I'm with you.
Weetabix: 4. From the land of Wisconsin.
Mo Pie: Sure.
Weetabix: 5. Tragic backstory that makes you feel like you have to fix him.
Mo Pie: Well played. Well played.
Weetabix: Thank you. I probably shouldn't have front-loaded with the accessories. But still. It's a valid list.
Mo Pie: Indeed.
Weetabix: I do like what Ellen brings to the table here. Even when she's talking crazy, it makes sense.
Mo Pie: I agree, I am pro-Ellen. And I love how Kara thinks she can determine who the winner of round one is. NO, KARA, ONLY SIMON CAN DO THAT.
Weetabix: She's just making a power play. As soon as Simon is gone, she's going to get all alpha on that panel. God help whoever the fourth judge is. Jamie Foxx or Sharon Osborne or whoever. I hope it's the guy from Celebrity Weight Loss Camp.
Mo Pie: I've never seen it, but I'll take your word for it.
Weetabix: Willie Aames was on it. And Jay from Project Runway was also on it.
Mo Pie: Lee, you're not gonna win. I'm calling it still: Crystal.
Weetabix: I think Lee has a chance. I think he's gonna Kris Allen his way in. We never would have picked Kris Allen.
Mo Pie: That's true. I'm still going Crystal. It'll make the finale more interesting, because we both have an idea.
Weetabix: Well, I'll be very happy if Crystal wins.

Casey James, “Daughters”

Weetabix: Kara's skirt is CUTE!
Mo Pie: That might be a dress, but it's SUPER CUTE! It's sparkly. Oh no, we get to see the boring hometown visits. I'll sum it up: people are excited to see famous people. That's a quote from David Brent.
Weetabix: Heh.
Mo Pie: He's going to do “Daughters” by John Mayer. I also like John Mayer in spite of myself.
Weetabix: Why, because you like douchey men?
Mo Pie: Yes. It's interesting that they made Randy and Kara share a song choice but Ellen gets her own. Maybe Kara isn't the alpha, and I'll bet she's pissed! She only gets half a song!
Weetabix: Oooh.
Mo Pie: Why does Casey need someone else on the stage with a guitar when he has a guitar?
Weetabix: Maybe because he can't really play?
Mo Pie: I feel like he's more consistent than Lee, but I also think Lee hits higher highs and lower lows. I don't think Casey is pitchy, he's just boring.
Weetabix: I think this sounds really good.
Mo Pie: I wonder if Casey is playing fake guitar. I'm very obsessed with this whole two-guitars thing. I think it's good though. I would actually download this. I mean, for free.
Weetabix: Heee! That's the tell.
Mo Pie: That was very pleasant. My boredom-o-meter kicked a little toward slight interest.
Weetabix: Too bad this isn't called Pleasant Idol.
Mo Pie: Again, reminding us that there are gay people in the world. Thank you Ellen. Aaaagh, I hate Kara! I haven't said that in a while, but I still hate Kara! She just presents herself like "I'm Simon," like she's the authority that people are waiting to hear. You get half a vote, Kara! HALF A VOTE!
Weetabix: Yes.
Mo Pie: I think Simon just made fun of John Mayer.
Weetabix: And his penis.
Mo Pie: This song is flaccid. Oh, Kara's going to tell us how the song is. Kara's getting defensive about her John Mayer choice.
Weetabix: She wants to have sex with John Mayer. She fancies herself the Jennifer Aniston of the judges panel.
Mo Pie: My spectrum for watching this show is like, Asleep, Bored, Mild Interest, Interest, Would Actually Vote. I don't think I have ever gotten over to Would Actually Vote this season. Certainly not this episode.

Crystal Bowersox, "Maybe I'm Amazed"

Weetabix: They've got the worst intros. She's in front of a strip mall! Like, Danny Gokey was in Miller Park. She's in front of an England Furniture Gallery.
Mo Pie: Again, I must point out, Ellen gets a full song choice!
Weetabix: I'm waiting for Kara to jump in on the intro. Half of Kara's face is falling, like she can't hold a fake smile for very long. Hey, Crystal's not hiding behind her guitar!
Mo Pie: Go Crystal! She doesn't have an awkward harmonica either.
Weetabix: Thank god.
Mo Pie: I feel like this is another kinda sleepy song. You would think I'd like it then, because it's very Lite FM.
Weetabix: It is. In fact, when I worked at JC Penney when I was 19, this was on the Muzak. Every day at 10:47 AM.
Mo Pie: So, not a fan, then?
Weetabix: I actually am very.... like, back in the day, I was very Team Paul. I was very into Paul McCartney when I was 8.
Mo Pie: I always liked Ringo. I liked him as the Mock Turtle in the Alice in Wonderland miniseries.
Weetabix: He definitely had the most charisma out of all the Beatles, I think. And Paul McCartney now looks a little like Dorothy Zbornak.
Mo Pie: I think she did well, it was good. KAAAARRAA.
Weetabix: Wow, that sounded like an actual zombie groan.
Mo Pie: I want to eat her brains.
Weetabix: Kara gives her grudging acceptance to a song she didn't pick. Or write.
Mo Pie: Aw, a little wink from Simon.
Weetabix: Benediction of Ellen's choice from Simon, and castigation of Kara and Randy's song choice. And a pan up and down on Crystal. They don't do a full body scan of the boys, by the way,
Mo Pie: Ooh, interesting.
Weetabix: And they just did another one.
Mo Pie: Fuck the patriarchy!
Weetabix: Fuck the motherfuckin' man!

Lee Dewyze, “Hallelujah”

Weetabix: Lee is from Chicago!
Mo Pie: It is adjacent to Wisconsin! It is driving distance from Milwaukee! And I know that because you and I went to Milwaukee and also Chicago. So, usually whoever gets the Simon song is the pimped contestant. So they want Lee to win? My demographic theory is really taking a lot of hits.
Weetabix: Hmm.
Mo Pie: I kinda wish that Danny... wait, that’s is not his name... I kind of wish that this guy was not playing guitar… Lee. I know he's not Danny Gokey. I blame you for this!
Weetabix: Heee!
Mo Pie: And I sure wish that they didn't have the Idolettes behind him... and a fucking smoke machine?
Weetabix: The Chris lights aren't working anymore, so we're throwing EVERYTHING AT YOU!
Mo Pie: I'm not sure he deserves all of this. I mean, this is a fine song, I just don't know that it deserves a gospel choir and a fog machine. That was such a manufactured moment.
Weetabix: You're right. It was totally false emotion on the stage.
Mo Pie: And the judges all look like they're happy.
Weetabix: Lee's like "I don't know, they just came out singing behind me." It's not like Lee gets to request a choir and a smoke machine.
Mo Pie: “You know what would really fit here? Some smoke!” He's not going to win! Maybe I'm living in an alternate universe where Lee just isn't very good.
Weetabix: No, that's our universe.
Mo Pie: That's our actual universe? Oh, ok. Well, I’m ready to make my predictions.
Weetabix: And they are?
Mo Pie: I think obviously it will be Lee and Crystal in the finale and I think Casey is gone. I would genuinely be shocked if Casey wasn't gone. Oh hush up, Danny Fauxkey! He just doesn't do it for me.
Weetabix: You were a Danny Gokey hater.
Mo Pie: I wasn't a Danny Gokey hater. I just Adam Lamberrr lover.
Weetabix: To be clear, I wasn't an Adam Lamberrr hater, I just had unexplainable Danny Gokey longings.

[And here, our transcript ends. Weetapidol out.]


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