W: Open on Ryan looking like a preacher in a beam of light. Go!Ryan: One boy, one girl…
P: One black, one white...
W: One good, one not…
P: I heard Kelly Clarkson might perform tomorrow night.
W: Yay! We can look at her and decide if she's fat. Oh! There was the I-fucked-Charlie-Sheen chick! Denise Richards.
P: I'm sure she appreciates that nickname.
W: I can't help it.
P: Battle of the sexes! Whatever, Ryan, you tool.
W: Oh my god, I was hoping Paula would have a big bandage. I was hoping she'd have a prosthetic nose. Or a Marcia Brady "oh my nose!" thing on her face.
P: Her face does look a little weird.
W: It does.
P: She's not moving her nose.
W: She's not asking it to perform tricks.
P: I never realized people moved their noses until hers looked creepy and immobile.
W: Tyra Banks moves her nose. Tyra Banks acts with her nose.
P: She does.
W: Oh my god, I thought we were done with these tryouts.
P: God, a montage. No more montages!
W: I am so tired.
P: I hope Paula's on a lot of good painkillers.
W: When isn't she? She's on painkillers in this montage. Also, I don't think Paula ever moves her nose.
P: Maybe not.
W: And wow, Blake's dad is Howard Hessman.
P: Oh, Jordin is cute.
W: She is. Had I not known about her politics, I would probably feel better about the impending Jordin win. Would you be okay if Blake won?
P: Yeah. Quite frankly I don't really care.
W: I think I'd be shocked if Blake won. I've had three e-mails from people asking if I even care about the finale. LaKisha and Melinda were robbed. After that, forget about it.
P: If the finale were LaKisha and Melinda, I would totally care.
W: There would be gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair.
P: But as it is…. eh.
W: Ryan is standing between Jordin and Blake and looks like she's going to marry them. And wow, she must be like 6'1"
P: Or those guys are 5'5" each.
W: Maybe Jordin is going to marry Blake and Ryan!
P: That would make me care about the finale.
W: I'd vote for that.
P: Oh, the dramatic coin toss. And Blake Lewis is being a gentleman. Again, if I were in that crowd, I would totally care.
W: If you were in that crowd, what would your sign say?
P: "Where's Melinda"?
W: LaKisha! Where's the love for LaKisha?
(Blake, "You Give Love A Bad Name")
W: Oh good god.
P: This isn't necessarily a bad choice. This is the best he's been.
W: I hate him! You're right. But whatever.
P: That sums up my feelings towards Blake right there.
W: Pretty much. Do they have to redo a song? Is that the premise here?
P: The thing is, you should pick a song you didn't knock out of the park, so you can improve on it.
W: At the same time, you can't have one that reminds everybody of how much you suck.
P: That was a good shot. With Blake totally obscured by a sign. It seems like there's more beatboxing in this song this time.
W: It must be true. The level of my hate is at an all-time high.
P: Whatever, Blake is losing.
W: He'll obviously get a record contract. Bucky
got a record contract.
P: And that's just sad.
W: WHAT IS RANDY WEARING? I mean… really.
P: Wow, he looks like a drum majorette.
W: He looks like he should be on the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
P: Paula, shut up, Blake did not outdo himself. You are just on extra broken nosey drugs.
W: She probably is.
P: She keeps doing her "you're so pretty" clap.
W: It's proof that she's on drugs sometimes.
P: Aw, Melinda and LaKisha, there they are!
W: Sitting next to Chris and… that stalker guy. Whatever his name was. And Haley was behind them.
P: Tomorrow's gonna be cool, when they all perform again.
W: Yes. Remember last year's finale when they were all dressed in white, like they were dead? That was probably my favorite.
P: Maybe this year they could all be dead.
W: They could all be zombies!
P: I don't know this song at all.
W: I'm not up on my Aguilera ouvre.
P: I am digging her dress.
W: I enjoy her top! Yes.
P: I like the fading.
W: She got Chris lights! Did Blake get Chris lights? I don't recall. It was clouded by the hate.
P: Oh, Jordin. I wish I could dredge up some caring.
W: I know. She even has the fat girl thing going for her.
P: She's a bit affected, but she'll make a fine Idol.
W: We're so resigned.
P: If it's not her… I don't even want to contemplate.
W: She is America. I swear to god, I think she was orchestrated and dreamed up in a boardroom. And Randy has CHAINS on his shirt.
P: It's the buttons that…
W: Everything about that outfit is a problem. Ending with him looking in the mirror and thinking it looks okay.
P: And Paula's just smiling and smiling.
W: That was Constantine! He was making temple hands and looking like a penis. Rewind!
P: OH MY GOD HE DOES LOOK LIKE A PENIS. In white pants!
W: And a vest. So that was worth a rewind.
(Blake, "She Will Be Loved")
P: I love how supportive his dad is. "I never bought him drums, even though it's the only thing he ever wanted."
W: "We never bought him drums, and now he's a beatboxing tool on television. That's all us, baby."
P: God, Blake in his douchey vest.
W: Didn't he do Maroon 5 already? Also, he has a hard-on.
P: EW! Oh god. This vocal is mediocre.
W: Yeah. Talk about karaoke.
P: Blake, you are boring me to death. Even hate would be better than the boredom. And those are off notes.
P: Is it just me?
W: No. It was off. I just don't care.
[And now, Weetabix's argyle soliloquy]
W: I enjoy his argyle. However, I have a serious weakness for argyle. I think I have an argyle fetish. Maybe there's no such thing as an argyle fetish… well, I'm sure if I looked on the internet with safe searching turned off, I would find one. But me and argyle? Not bad.
(Jordin, "Broken Wing ")
P: Oh, her parents are super cute.
W: Her dad's a professional athlete.
P: She's very sweet. I should be rooting for her more. I will try. Yay, Jordin!
W: That rang a little false.
P: Her outfit is unfortunate. She looks like one of the Golden Girls.
W: I'm not sure about that belt. That belt could feed a family of eight.
P: With... beads?
[Both laugh disproportionately]
W: Just leave that as it is.
W: And this is a sign—I just picked up a CB2 catalogue and am flipping through it.
P: I think it's a sign that this song… is ass.
W: What do you mean?
P: This is a boring song.
W: Maybe. I don't know. If Daughtry were singing, it would be interesting.
P: Daughtry could sing fucking "Happy Birthday" and it would be interesting.
W: He would growl a little bit. And be hot.
P: Ha! Randy's outfit is very entertaining.
W: Maybe it was meant to detract from the size of Paula's impending beaker. He's taking one for the team. And has she always had that much hair, by the way?
P: Paula just said "you have a great vocal voice"! Drugs.
W: Simon just praised her—he's doing the redemption arc.
W: And Ryan is talking to some randos. They're getting up out of their chairs.
P: I am sad my spell check does not recognize the word rando.
W: You'll have to fix that.
P: "This Is My Now"? Oh dear fucking god. This is gonna be… really bad.
P: More argyle for you, though.
W: I don't want to be attracted to Blake Lewis.
P: Just look at his gold shoes.
W: The argyle is sparkly. You can barely see it, but it's sparkly. And I like how he's looking introspectively out the fake window.
P: It's gonna be sad not to be friends anymore, when you're attracted to Blake Lewis.
W: I'm not attracted to Blake Lewis! I'm going to a camp.
W: Oh, that note was so bad. Did you hear that? It was not good. Mr. Argyle, don't play with me.
P: I think this song is… an abortion.
W: That's a strong choice of words. And I co-sign that.
P: I hope Jordin will come out with a sign taped to her outfit.
W: I hope she has an aborted song taped to the sign. Maybe by Tamyra Gray? A couple of unfinished choruses. I bet it's better when the songwriters sing it.
P: I bet it's better if you're deaf.
W: I bet it's a lot better if you're on pain medication for a broken schnozz.
P: Randy's like "I can't say the song is shitty…" I hope Simon can.
W: Simon will, if he can. And Blake has that skinny shiny white tie? And the cuffs up to his arms? I don't understand it.
P: Okay, Mrs. Argyle.
P: It's not a fight to the finish, Ryan. Jordin has it all sewn up. Now she's gonna totally sing the song awesome.
[Both] Because it was written for her.
W: Jinx! She has sparkly daisies on the stage. The sparkly daisies of Jordin-ness.
P: I like her dress, again. It's sparkly. I enjoy it. "This is my now" is so retarded. As a lyric, I mean.
W: Yes. But I invented a drink, and it is fantastic.
P: Tell us the recipe, Weetabix.
W: Because we have nothing better to do while she's singing?
W: A shot of limoncello, probably half a shot of bar syrup—maybe two splashes? And then 20 ounces of triple berry French lemonade from Trader Joe's. It's damn tasty. It's really sweet. I don't know if I'd put any bar syrup in it, actually.
P: What have you named this beverage?
W: I'm thinking of naming it the Love Pivot.
P: The Sparkly Argyle. The Jordin is Crying.
W: We will not speak of that.
P: Kelly Clarkson's voice didn't break when she sang "A Moment Like This." She may have cried, but her voice didn't break.
W: A producer just pulled Jordin aside and said "you just won." That actually sounded like a song, though. Even though I was giving my recipe.
P: Here's the part where they tell America to vote for Jordin. But based on tonight, and Blake being a douche, I have to agree.
W: They knocked out the people with credibility. I want Jordin to win just to make her cute parents happy.
W: How many Idol contestants do you think Simon has had sex with?
P: Besides Taylor?
W: He hated Taylor!
P: Well, Ruben…. Carrie… Fantasia….
W: Do you think he had sex with Carrie? I didn't watch that episode.
P: That wasn't… actually an episode.
W: It was in a montage.
W: I bet that's why Paula didn't get kicked off for doing Corey Clark. Because Simon was dipping his wick too. And I bet Paula was having sex with Justin Guarini.
W: Hey. If you were on Idol would you be having sex with Simon?
P: I have to say I would not.
W: I would have sex with Simon—I wouldn't even have to be on American Idol. There's something about the hottie Englishman that does it. Oh my god, if he wore argyle? Shit.
P: I was gonna say. He has those ugly shirts, but trade it out for the argyle…
P: I also think if anyone, it was Kat McPhee. And Haley.
W: There was palpable lust in his heart with Haley.
P: Now there's not even any suspense. They basically handed it to Jordin on a silver platter.
W: Tomorrow is all about watching the people come back and sing.
P: Yeah. Like Sanjaya. And hopefully Kelly Clarkson.
W: Paula is stoned.
P: And Ryan's confused. Like "what the fuck did she just say?"
W: She's drunk, I swear to god.
P: Who's drunk? You?
W: Well, Paula. And me a little.
P: YAY ITS DAUGIAIAIAAAA!YTAAAAaAAAYyYAAAAHAHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!
W: What? What's going on? My TiVo cut out. Why are you screaming?? Is it the dog?
P: WSOCHRISDAUGHTRY IS SINGINGAAAAH!
W: I thought Goulash was attacking you. I didn't realize Chris Daughtry merited this level of emotion.
P: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! I love Chris Daughtry! !!
W: Seriously, I thought Goulash was attacking you. Even though Goulash has a lower voice than you do
P: No, Goulash is going hysterical because I keep making high-pitched noises.
W: Are you done with your palpitations?
W: Okay. So do we have a prediction?
P: Jordin is going to win.
W: Imagine fucking that.
P: I have to rewind and watch Chris Daughtry again!!! AAAAIEEEE!!!!
W: Oh god. I'm going to bed.