Wednesday, May 16, 2007

WTF, America?

P: Okay, who are the final three?
W: Blake, Jordin, and Melinda.
P: Fucking Blake. I always like top three night because they sing three songs.
W: I'm not going to be funny tonight, because I have a cold. [Muffled sentence.]
P: What did you just say that was not funny?
W: I'm not going to repeat it!
P: No, I seriously didn't hear you.
W: It didn't even make sense, what I said. I need a tissue.

W: Randy is wearing a crazy-ass shirt.
P: He looks like a couch again. He looks like he's trying to disguise some fat creeping back in.
W: He's a fat wrangler.

(Jordin, "Wishing On A Star")
W: I enjoy her dress.
P: Yeah, that's pretty awesome, actually.
W: Oh my god, you know what it looks like? A Santino Rice.
P: Yes! But there's not enough braids on it.
W: There are some braids.
P: But not enough… not enough. This is a really blah song. Maybe it's because I have a cold.
W: Maybe it's because it's a blah song and she's not that great. Do you think the judges messed with picking a blah song?
P: I'm sure there's some kind of manipulation.
W: Really, what is going on with Randy's shirt?
P: Couch. Fat.
W: Do you enjoy Jordin Sparks's earrings?
P: Yes I do. Do you?
W: Yes.
P: They are not the Jordin Sparks's earrings of this evening.
W: I do not like Paula's hair though. I like Jordin's hair all sproodly curled.
P: Did you just say sproodly?
W: Yes I did. That's exactly what I said.
P: I like that word.
W: Did you just say that to make me feel better?
P: No!
W: Good, because it didn't, because I have a cold. Wine isn't helping either.
P: Maybe IF you whine. HAHAHA! God, that wasn't funny either.

(commercials)

W: I'm eating some nuts now.
P: That's what she said.
(Both laugh)
W: See, I make it so easy for you. I must really love you.

(Blake, "Roxanne")
W: Ooh, interesting! Is he wearing chaps? Sadly, no.
P: I love this song. Why does he always sing songs I love?
W: He's trying to inch his little penis into your heart.
P: Ew!
W: I mean, inch his little way into your heart. He's not bad.
P: No, he's not bad. He's just a DOUCHE. He's too enamored of himself. And he's so smarmy looking. And he's carrying the microphone around like he's Chris Daughtry and he's no Chris Daughtry.
W: I see no wallet chain. I think the problem is he has no sexuality at all. He's got a nub like a Ken doll. Whereas Daughtry was swinging a mighty chain.
P: Hee!
W: Even Ace, with the questionable sexuality, was packing heat. He just didn't know whether to stick it into a boy or a girl.
P: I think if I didn't have to watch Blake I would have really loved that performance.
W: I actually agree with Simon—it wasn't all that great.

(Melinda, "I Believe In You And Me")
W: Melinda doesn't get a crowd? She just gets a private showing in the room?
P: Yeah, that's kind of weird. They couldn’t have, like, an intern in the corner clapping?
W: An intern on her knees.
P: Okay, she's gonna rock.
W: I love this song anyway.
P: The parakeets like this song.
W: One of the blogs is predicting Melinda to be the winner.
P: I could see Melinda winning. If she makes it to the final two, I don't see how she could not win.
W: I wonder if they're gonna have Taylor perform on the finale. Don't they normally do that?
P: I think they do.
W: That'll be time for us to get up and go to the bathroom.
P: I'm not sure how I feel about Melinda's dress, but she's ruling on this song.
W: The dress seems to be taped to something.
P: I like how Melinda's kind of undersinging it.
W: Makes it much more emotional.
P: That was good. That was really good. I did feel the emotion in that.
W: Was that Oscar from The Office in the audience?
[We talk about Jenna Fischer and her accident and therefore miss the judges comments, but they seem to be good.]
P: Randy is so random. "They blew it out the box."
W: I have no idea what that means. It sounds like a queef.

(commercials)

P: Now Jordin s going to sing something that cadaverous Clive Davis picks for her.
W: I'm sure it will be up for the requirement. What are you paused on?
P: Ryan Raps.
W: Okay, I'm on Ryan Raps.
P: I love "Mmm, Bop." It's one of the best pop songs in the entire world.
W: Jordin was like four when it came out.

(Jordin, "She Works Hard For The Money")
P: I love Jordin's top, I'll say it right now.
W: I thought at first it was a pantsuit. Oh my god, her shoes are awesome! Her top is great. It would be perfect with that pair of Jimmy Choos you tried on in Chicago.
P: Oh, the Jimmy Choos. Jordin's being kind of squoodly on this song.
W: She is, but I love her shoes. She's got awesome shoes. We've got to find out where that top is from for you.
P: I want it right now. And the judges are just, like, saying bloob.
W: They are blooby.
P: Simon and Paula are kind of cute. Their sexual tension is kind of cute.
W: I kind of enjoy Simon and his sexual tension. Paula I just don't care.
P: Paula is missing from the AI version of Karaoke Revolution, and you do miss her nonsense, I will tell you that right now.

(Blake, "This Love")
W: Blake is wearing, like, 40 shirts.
P: And they're all blindingly white.
W: Who would play Blake in a movie? Mike Boogie.
P: "This Love"! Jesus I love this song! Why me?!
W: The producers hate that you don't like Blake. I'm not so much with this song.
P: I have to turn this up. (sings)
W: Okay.
P: Oh god, the beatboxing! I have to turn it back down again. I guess I just don't really get beatboxing.
W: I'm stymied by the whole enterprise.
P: The whole enterprise that is Blake?
W: Yes. I mean, why? Why four white shirts?
P: Why did they just show the ceiling?
W: I don't know.
P: Maybe the cameraman was like "Why God? Why is Blake making an album?"

(commercials)

(Melinda, "Nutbush City Limits")
P: Melinda's so cute. Did they just say "Nutbush"?
W: "Next Bush"? "No More Bush"?
P: Ian is dancing.
W: Really? Is he on cold medicine again?
P: "Love Bush City"?
W: NUT! NUT! Maybe Melinda has changed it to love because she's just that way.
P: Did they just want to make Melinda sing "nut" and "bush"?
W: Maybe that's why Ryan had to say it twice.
P: Melinda's picking up the microphone!
W: Look how dynamic she is all of a sudden!
P: I have to say I'm really enjoying Melinda tonight.
W: She doesn't even look so shruggy. The necklace is throwing it off, but…
Ian (seeing Melinda's grandparents): They have necks.
W: Maybe she needs to grow into it.
P: This night is my favorite Melinda.
W: Maybe they picked Nutbush City Limits because nobody's ever heard of it.
P: To try and undermine her, or…
W: No, because then she could "make it her own." Unlike "Roxanne" which everybody in the world has heard.

(commercials)

(Jordin, "I Who Have Nothing")
P: Oh, she got a fake star in a mall and she's so excited.
W: That's just something they laid there. What is she singing?
P: I have no idea. Oh, I think this is one she did before. And I don't remember this performance so it's like seeing it for the first time. She's being all weird.
W: Yeah.
P: Coming right after Melinda, it's so clear who should go home.
W: Yeah… Blake.
P: Hee.
W: I would really like to find out what kind of lip gloss they are putting on the contestants, because that is fantastic.
P: Jordin really emoted in that song.
W: A little too much.
P: Yeah, it was weird.
W: Was there a sign in the audience that said "Kiss My Serpent"?
P: I really hope so. Did that one say "We Love Simon's Titties"?
W: It looked like that! We have to bring the subversive signs when we go to the taping of American Idol.
P: Jordin's all…
W: I don't know. Talking back.
P: I think that might be a miscalculation on her part.
W: Yes. That's gonna backfire.

(Blake, "When I Get You Alone")
P: Blake, his sweater…
W: And Sir Mix-A-Lot? See, now they're reaching out to me.
P: What song is this?
W: I don't know.
P: If it were "Baby Got Back" you would be undone.
W: I would be dialing.
P: This doesn't seem unique enough to be a Blake choice.
W: This even sounds like Maroon 5.
P: Yeah, he should have done a ballad. Just to show his range or something. Although if he'd done a ballad, he probably couldn't have beatboxed through it.
W: Oh Blake. Poor, misguided Blake.
P: Did Paula get collagen in her lips?
W: Something's up today. She's all hair/lips.
P: Maybe they're puffy from kissing Simon in the commercial breaks. Simon's kind of setting up a Blake and Melinda final two.
W: I think you're right about Blake being carried to the end just to compete against whomever.
P: It provides that nice final two contrast that we've always had.

(commercials)

(Melinda, "I'm A Woman")
P: They gave her a street? That's so sweet! Oh, that rhymed.
W: Hee.
P: She's holding that jacket awkwardly.
W: "I think I will hold this to look cool."
P: This is a good song for her.
W: She knows where the camera is. That was one of Katharine's tricks.
P: Why do I suddenly love Melinda?
W: The Idolettes suddenly got to come out from behind the band! And that one has a low-cut dress that she has to wear a T-shirt under. They are kind of awesome.
P: Who, the Idolettes or Melinda?
W: Both of them. All of them.
P: I'm suddenly rooting for Melinda hardcore.
W: Well, who else have you got?
P: Nobody. I've got "Pass."
W: I'm rooting for Ryan. Ryan's gotta win one of these years.
P: Simon is throwing his endorsement behind Melinda, I think she's definitely in the final two.
W: For sure.

(recap)

P: I heard that every single year, the person who performs first on top three night gets eliminated.
W: Really, so that will be Jordin?
P: I could see that happening. But we're about to find out in five minutes.
W: Well then we will find out, and you will have chagrin if you're wrong.

(Idol hasn't shown on the West Coast, but Weetabix fast forwards through her taped show and reports back.)
W: Filler… filler… Elliot!… Maroon 5… filler… Jordin wearing a very pretty dress.
P: This is very exciting.
W: Jordin's in the final.
P: Really?
W: Uh huh. So it's between Blake and Melinda. Holy shit.
P: Holy shit, what?
W: The Grassy Knoll might be right. Did you look the results up?
P: No.
W: Blake's douched out completely.
P: If Melinda's not in the finals, there is no justice in the world.
W: (GASP) Oh my god.
P: What!?
W: Melinda's off.
P: OH MY GOD!
W: Blake and Jordin. The Grassy Knoll is correct! Holy shit.
P: Wow. That is a conspiracy right there.
W: And yet she looks happy and smiling. She's so graceful.
P: She's a class act, man.
W: She's totally a class act.
P: I hope she has much success.
W: Me too. She's got a great voice. Wow… so there it is. Blake and fucking Jordin. And now they're playing Chris Daughtry. That is wrong.
P: Yeah, that's like a choice between… I don't know.
W: Wrongness and wrong? I have no answers.

Weetapidol out.

4 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

Wow.

That's all I have to say about that.

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Hmph. It figures. I haven't been as into Idol this year as I was last year. Perhaps it was the lack of anyone even coming close to the hotness and talent that is Daughtry! Or perhaps it was the utter letdown of last season when goofball Taylor won. However, I still held out hope that the most talented and deserving would win this year. But alas, that is not to be. Just please, please, PLEASE, America, don't let this year's Idol be another dorky white guy. Enough already.

2:22 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

There's only been one dorky white guy, though! And Jordin is so winning anyway.

2:26 PM  
Blogger Tamara said...

Y'all are funny.

I do love me some BShorty, though. Have you guys checked out any of his pre-Idol original stuff on youtube? He rocks. And is an utter sweetheart. Just a counterpoint for ya!

7:41 AM  

Post a Comment

<< Home