Tuesday, May 22, 2007

Foreshadowing & Apathy

W: Open on Ryan looking like a preacher in a beam of light. Go!

Ryan: One boy, one girl…
P: One black, one white...
W: One good, one not…
P: I heard Kelly Clarkson might perform tomorrow night.
W: Yay! We can look at her and decide if she's fat. Oh! There was the I-fucked-Charlie-Sheen chick! Denise Richards.
P: I'm sure she appreciates that nickname.
W: I can't help it.
P: Battle of the sexes! Whatever, Ryan, you tool.
W: Oh my god, I was hoping Paula would have a big bandage. I was hoping she'd have a prosthetic nose. Or a Marcia Brady "oh my nose!" thing on her face.
P: Her face does look a little weird.
W: It does.
P: She's not moving her nose.
W: She's not asking it to perform tricks.
P: I never realized people moved their noses until hers looked creepy and immobile.
W: Tyra Banks moves her nose. Tyra Banks acts with her nose.
P: She does.
W: Oh my god, I thought we were done with these tryouts.
P: God, a montage. No more montages!
W: I am so tired.

P: I hope Paula's on a lot of good painkillers.
W: When isn't she? She's on painkillers in this montage. Also, I don't think Paula ever moves her nose.
P: Maybe not.
W: And wow, Blake's dad is Howard Hessman.
P: Oh, Jordin is cute.
W: She is. Had I not known about her politics, I would probably feel better about the impending Jordin win. Would you be okay if Blake won?
P: Yeah. Quite frankly I don't really care.
W: I think I'd be shocked if Blake won. I've had three e-mails from people asking if I even care about the finale. LaKisha and Melinda were robbed. After that, forget about it.
P: If the finale were LaKisha and Melinda, I would totally care.
W: There would be gnashing of teeth and pulling of hair.
P: But as it is…. eh.


W: Ryan is standing between Jordin and Blake and looks like she's going to marry them. And wow, she must be like 6'1"
P: Or those guys are 5'5" each.
W: Maybe Jordin is going to marry Blake and Ryan!
P: That would make me care about the finale.
W: I'd vote for that.
P: Oh, the dramatic coin toss. And Blake Lewis is being a gentleman. Again, if I were in that crowd, I would totally care.
W: If you were in that crowd, what would your sign say?
P: "Where's Melinda"?
W: LaKisha! Where's the love for LaKisha?

(Blake, "You Give Love A Bad Name")
W: Oh good god.
P: This isn't necessarily a bad choice. This is the best he's been.
W: I hate him! You're right. But whatever.
P: That sums up my feelings towards Blake right there.
W: Pretty much. Do they have to redo a song? Is that the premise here?
P: The thing is, you should pick a song you didn't knock out of the park, so you can improve on it.
W: At the same time, you can't have one that reminds everybody of how much you suck.
P: That was a good shot. With Blake totally obscured by a sign. It seems like there's more beatboxing in this song this time.
W: It must be true. The level of my hate is at an all-time high.
P: Whatever, Blake is losing.
W: He'll obviously get a record contract. Bucky got a record contract.
P: And that's just sad.
W: WHAT IS RANDY WEARING? I mean… really.
P: Wow, he looks like a drum majorette.
W: He looks like he should be on the cover of Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band.
P: Paula, shut up, Blake did not outdo himself. You are just on extra broken nosey drugs.
W: She probably is.
P: She keeps doing her "you're so pretty" clap.
W: It's proof that she's on drugs sometimes.
P: Aw, Melinda and LaKisha, there they are!
W: Sitting next to Chris and… that stalker guy. Whatever his name was. And Haley was behind them.
P: Tomorrow's gonna be cool, when they all perform again.
W: Yes. Remember last year's finale when they were all dressed in white, like they were dead? That was probably my favorite.
P: Maybe this year they could all be dead.
W: They could all be zombies!

(Jordin, "Fighter")
W: Really?
P: I don't know this song at all.
W: I'm not up on my Aguilera ouvre.
P: I am digging her dress.
W: I enjoy her top! Yes.
P: I like the fading.
W: She got Chris lights! Did Blake get Chris lights? I don't recall. It was clouded by the hate.
P: Oh, Jordin. I wish I could dredge up some caring.
W: I know. She even has the fat girl thing going for her.
P: She's a bit affected, but she'll make a fine Idol.
W: We're so resigned.
P: If it's not her… I don't even want to contemplate.
W: She is America. I swear to god, I think she was orchestrated and dreamed up in a boardroom. And Randy has CHAINS on his shirt.
P: It's the buttons that…
W: Everything about that outfit is a problem. Ending with him looking in the mirror and thinking it looks okay.
P: And Paula's just smiling and smiling.
W: That was Constantine! He was making temple hands and looking like a penis. Rewind!
W: And a vest. So that was worth a rewind.


(Blake, "She Will Be Loved")
P: I love how supportive his dad is. "I never bought him drums, even though it's the only thing he ever wanted."
W: "We never bought him drums, and now he's a beatboxing tool on television. That's all us, baby."
P: God, Blake in his douchey vest.
W: Didn't he do Maroon 5 already? Also, he has a hard-on.
P: EW! Oh god. This vocal is mediocre.
W: Yeah. Talk about karaoke.
P: Blake, you are boring me to death. Even hate would be better than the boredom. And those are off notes.
W: …
P: Is it just me?
W: No. It was off. I just don't care.

[And now, Weetabix's argyle soliloquy]
W: I enjoy his argyle. However, I have a serious weakness for argyle. I think I have an argyle fetish. Maybe there's no such thing as an argyle fetish… well, I'm sure if I looked on the internet with safe searching turned off, I would find one. But me and argyle? Not bad.


(Jordin, "Broken Wing ")
P: Oh, her parents are super cute.
W: Her dad's a professional athlete.
P: She's very sweet. I should be rooting for her more. I will try. Yay, Jordin!
W: That rang a little false.
P: Her outfit is unfortunate. She looks like one of the Golden Girls.
W: I'm not sure about that belt. That belt could feed a family of eight.
P: With... beads?
[Both laugh disproportionately]
W: Just leave that as it is.
P: Okay.
W: And this is a sign—I just picked up a CB2 catalogue and am flipping through it.
P: I think it's a sign that this song… is ass.
W: What do you mean?
P: This is a boring song.
W: Maybe. I don't know. If Daughtry were singing, it would be interesting.
P: Daughtry could sing fucking "Happy Birthday" and it would be interesting.
W: He would growl a little bit. And be hot.
P: Ha! Randy's outfit is very entertaining.
W: Maybe it was meant to detract from the size of Paula's impending beaker. He's taking one for the team. And has she always had that much hair, by the way?
P: Paula just said "you have a great vocal voice"! Drugs.
W: Simon just praised her—he's doing the redemption arc.


W: And Ryan is talking to some randos. They're getting up out of their chairs.
P: I am sad my spell check does not recognize the word rando.
W: You'll have to fix that.
P: "This Is My Now"? Oh dear fucking god. This is gonna be… really bad.
W: Wow.
P: More argyle for you, though.
W: I don't want to be attracted to Blake Lewis.
P: Just look at his gold shoes.
W: The argyle is sparkly. You can barely see it, but it's sparkly. And I like how he's looking introspectively out the fake window.
P: It's gonna be sad not to be friends anymore, when you're attracted to Blake Lewis.
W: I'm not attracted to Blake Lewis! I'm going to a camp.
P: Hee.
W: Oh, that note was so bad. Did you hear that? It was not good. Mr. Argyle, don't play with me.
P: I think this song is… an abortion.
W: That's a strong choice of words. And I co-sign that.
P: I hope Jordin will come out with a sign taped to her outfit.
W: I hope she has an aborted song taped to the sign. Maybe by Tamyra Gray? A couple of unfinished choruses. I bet it's better when the songwriters sing it.
P: I bet it's better if you're deaf.
W: I bet it's a lot better if you're on pain medication for a broken schnozz.
P: Randy's like "I can't say the song is shitty…" I hope Simon can.
W: Simon will, if he can. And Blake has that skinny shiny white tie? And the cuffs up to his arms? I don't understand it.
P: Okay, Mrs. Argyle.


P: It's not a fight to the finish, Ryan. Jordin has it all sewn up. Now she's gonna totally sing the song awesome.
[Both] Because it was written for her.
W: Jinx! She has sparkly daisies on the stage. The sparkly daisies of Jordin-ness.
P: I like her dress, again. It's sparkly. I enjoy it. "This is my now" is so retarded. As a lyric, I mean.
W: Yes. But I invented a drink, and it is fantastic.
P: Tell us the recipe, Weetabix.
W: Because we have nothing better to do while she's singing?
P: Exactly.
W: A shot of limoncello, probably half a shot of bar syrup—maybe two splashes? And then 20 ounces of triple berry French lemonade from Trader Joe's. It's damn tasty. It's really sweet. I don't know if I'd put any bar syrup in it, actually.
P: What have you named this beverage?
W: I'm thinking of naming it the Love Pivot.
P: The Sparkly Argyle. The Jordin is Crying.
W: We will not speak of that.
P: Kelly Clarkson's voice didn't break when she sang "A Moment Like This." She may have cried, but her voice didn't break.
W: A producer just pulled Jordin aside and said "you just won." That actually sounded like a song, though. Even though I was giving my recipe.
P: Here's the part where they tell America to vote for Jordin. But based on tonight, and Blake being a douche, I have to agree.
W: They knocked out the people with credibility. I want Jordin to win just to make her cute parents happy.

W: How many Idol contestants do you think Simon has had sex with?
P: Besides Taylor?
W: He hated Taylor!
P: Well, Ruben…. Carrie… Fantasia….
W: Do you think he had sex with Carrie? I didn't watch that episode.
P: That wasn't… actually an episode.
W: It was in a montage.
[Both laugh]
W: I bet that's why Paula didn't get kicked off for doing Corey Clark. Because Simon was dipping his wick too. And I bet Paula was having sex with Justin Guarini.
P: Hee.
W: Hey. If you were on Idol would you be having sex with Simon?
P: I have to say I would not.
W: I would have sex with Simon—I wouldn't even have to be on American Idol. There's something about the hottie Englishman that does it. Oh my god, if he wore argyle? Shit.
P: I was gonna say. He has those ugly shirts, but trade it out for the argyle…
W: Yeah.
P: I also think if anyone, it was Kat McPhee. And Haley.
W: There was palpable lust in his heart with Haley.
P: Now there's not even any suspense. They basically handed it to Jordin on a silver platter.
W: Tomorrow is all about watching the people come back and sing.
P: Yeah. Like Sanjaya. And hopefully Kelly Clarkson.
W: Paula is stoned.
P: And Ryan's confused. Like "what the fuck did she just say?"
W: She's drunk, I swear to god.
P: Who's drunk? You?
W: Well, Paula. And me a little.
W: What? What's going on? My TiVo cut out. Why are you screaming?? Is it the dog?
W: I thought Goulash was attacking you. I didn't realize Chris Daughtry merited this level of emotion.
P: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH! I love Chris Daughtry! !!
W: Seriously, I thought Goulash was attacking you. Even though Goulash has a lower voice than you do
P: No, Goulash is going hysterical because I keep making high-pitched noises.
W: Are you done with your palpitations?
P: No!
W: Okay. So do we have a prediction?
P: Jordin is going to win.
W: Imagine fucking that.
P: I have to rewind and watch Chris Daughtry again!!! AAAAIEEEE!!!!
W: Oh god. I'm going to bed.

Weetapidol out.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

3 cell phones dialing,
for the 3 different numbers,
for 3 hours straight!

I was so tired and so dizzy. That's a long time to keep hearing over and over "Thanks for voting for me, Blake"

DialIdol predicts Jordin so it was all in vain.

It's not even like I really think he should win, I just wanted to be right with my prediction from 40 million weeks ago!


P.S. Wasn't it funny that Ryan said "So the Bitch is okay?" (re: Paula's dog)

6:07 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Randy. Snerk.

At one point, I said "So says the unpaid extra from Sgt. Pepper's Lonely Hearts Club Band."

Great minds think alike.

6:52 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Oh my GOD!! JORDIN won!! JORDIN!! Can you believe it?? AMAZING!! I did NOT see this coming!!

Oh, wait. Yes, I did. And so did Blake. And Blake's mom. And Blake's dad. And Ryan. And every person in the Kodak Theatre. And each of the 82 bajillion home viewers. And Gladys Knight. And the African Children's Choir.

I'm relatively certain that the bitch that tried to kill Paula saw it coming. That may even be why she tried to kill Paula.

By the way ... Big Bird, Showhateveric, Lemur Dude ... but no Sherman Pore? COME ON, American Idol, you heartless bastards! That audition was almost better than the entire season!

10:33 AM  

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