Tuesday, May 01, 2007

You Give Beatboxing A Bad Name

P: So this week, two people are getting eliminated—LaKisha and Chris?
W: BLAKE HAS BLACK HAIR! BLACK HAIR! I don't know what to make of that. What are you drinking?
P: I am drinking Sauvignon Bloob
W: I am drinking Cabernet Sauvignon. Cakebread Cellars 2004.
P: Yum, Cakebread.
W: That was what's her name! Blowjob mouth! Anonella Barba!
P: They raised 70 million dollars—that's awesome. And Bon Jovi. That's almost even awesomer.
W: I don't think so. I wouldn't even think there were enough songs for them all—what, six people?
P: Yes.
W: Well, there's gotta be six songs, right? There's that song.. the waa—ooh—waa—song..
P: "Livin' On A Prayer"?
W: Whatever. They all sound the same. Maybe that's my problem.
P: I think Bon Jovi is kind of hot. That's my problem.
W: He has aged very well, actually.

(Phil, "Blaze of Glory")
P: Phil is going to be thrown under the bus. But I love "Blaze of Glory!" I had this single on cassette.
W: You had a cassingle?
P: Hee. Yes.
W: You know what's more embarrassing? I had a cassingle of "Wind Beneath My Wings." And also a cassingle of "Mercedes Boy." It was the iTunes of our day.
P: Hee.
W: Oh, he's starting in the audience. And he did the Ace thing and grabbed his coat.
P: I suddenly love Phil for singing this.
W: This is actually really good. It's in his range. And I think he's been to Mystic Tan.
P: Does he have a necklace on his head?
W: It's his earplugs so he can hear the band. He has no hair to hide it.
P: This is still not as good as the cassingle.
W: He just went over the top and got completely cheesy. Although I do like his jeans.
P: His jacket is weird.
W: There's another pool shirt on Randy. And more name dropping.
P: Paula is incoherent. As always.
W: Phil really does look like Nosferatu. You nailed it last week.
P: Oh my god, I think Phil looks like Bat Boy.
W: He is Bat Boy. Does anybody know what happened to Bat Boy?
P: He auditioned for American Idol. Oh god, Goulash just farted. He did not like Phil. Oh god, that's disgusting.

(Jordin, "Livin' On A Prayer")
P: Yay! My karaoke song!
W: Is she gonna do "ooh-wah-ooh-wah?"
P: "My mom is gonna flip out." I bet Jon Bon Jovi loves that.
W: These fifteen-year-olds don't know how much that hurts us. You know, it's not my fault your mom got knocked up when she was eight years old.
P: This is hard to sing. Me and Jen karaoked it, and it was hard. Jordin sounds kind of sultry.
W: I love her outfit tonight. She looks really rock and roll.
P: Did she just point at Gina when she sang "Gina"?
W: She did! That's funny.
P: And she's dressed like Gina.
W: How did she get the little red streaks?
P: Extensions? Spray-redness?
W: Is that the technical term? "Spray-redness"?
P: Yes, it's very technical.
W: This is such a Bad Bar song.
P: That is where we karaoked it. At the Bad Bar. And Jordin has Chris lights to the max.
W: Up the wazzoo.
P: Because the Chris lights didn't work with Chris. So they're going crazy with the Chris lights with their new Chosen One.
W: Well last season they got indiscriminate with the Chris lights. They gave them to everyone. Even Taylor.
P: Simon's criticizing the look.
W: I like the look.
P: That's a good thing to point out, that they're singing a guy's songs.
W: That is true.
P: This is rock week?
W: No, that's a lie, it's Bon Jovi week. Wasn't there gonna be an ABBA week at some point?
P: That would be the most awesome show of all time.
W: Didn't you say that there would be?
P: I did not say that.
W: I must have dreamt it.

(LaKisha, "This Ain't A Love Song")
P: LaKisha's last performance ever?
W: You think?
P: I'm almost positive.
W: I have her winning! I'm losing the pool. I'm last.
P: Well I have her winning too. When she's gone, I'm out of the running. But her outfit, I have to say thumbs down.
W: I'm liking the red stripe. But I'm not sure how I feel about the red stripe and the halter.
P: Oh I love LaKisha and her "slim side."
W: I love LaKisha.
P: Don't vote her off! What have you done, America! Wait, do I know this song?
W: I don't think so.
P: Bon Jovi has to explain the irony in the title.
W: He's adorably stupid, Bon Jovi is.
P: And he thinks LaKisha is staying!
W: Famous last words, cursing LaKisha. I like her outfit.
P: I think I'm gonna go with thumbs up, on second thought. I am warming to it.
W: It actually highlights the narrowest part of her body. It accentuates her waist. I think it's good. I don't think they should have put her in skinny jeans, though.
P: Like a light denim flare…
W: … would have been great. Why are the tapered pants coming back? The tapered jeans are no curvy girl's friend.
P: Ooh, a little acapella.
W: She's awesome.
P: She is awesome. And yet it will not save her. "You blew it out the bus"? I think that's black slang. It's got something to do with Rosa Parks.
W: Blah blah blah the goat.
P: What?
W: Blah blah blah the goat.
P: You've done WHAT to the goat?
P: Oh.
W: I mean, "Randy has blown a goat." Ryan and Simon will watch that back in the hot tub tonight.
P: I really hope that performance saves LaKisha.
W: I love LaKisha. I think Ryan does too. He loves the larger black women. Remember how he'd fawn over Mandisa?
P: Maybe he and LaKisha have a foot thing going on behind the scenes.

(Blake, "You Give Love A Bad Name")
P: Okay, best song ever. How can I hate Blake now?
W: What's the secret plan—he's gonna beatbox it?
P: I love how Bon Jovi's like, "Don't fuck up my tune, man."
W: Bon Jovi hates him. And now Blake is being Blake. He's being a douche.
P: I love this song, though. And his voice sounds good. And I like his black hair. I have to say.
W: It's better. Not as douchey. Not all Mike Boogie.
P: And you were right! Beatboxing!
W: I knew it.
P: To be fair, he has been restrained for most of the season.
W: He has. But… oh god. Oh god.
P: He's having fun.
W: At least he's not looking all earnest.
P: I liked that performance completely in spite of myself, because I hate him.
W: I have to say it was memorable.
P: It was probably a winner. It was original, for sure.
W: That it was. It probably got him some votes.
P: I love Paula and her babbling.
W: He's got kind of a Green Day look.
P: I agree the risk was a good idea for him. It was really smart.
W: Mm hmm. Fucking Blake.
P: Fucking Blake.

(Chris, "Wanted Dead Or Alive")
W: Oh, Chris Richardson. The guy I always forget.
P: The guys are getting the best songs tonight. They're singing all the best songs.
W: Because it's a boy band. I wonder what Melinda is gonna get stuck with.
P: You cannot forget the words, Chris.
W: That's unprofessional in front of Bon Jovi.
P: Bon Jovi loves his own songs.
W: He does.
P: And yet he's so hot I can't fault him for it.
W: He's not that hot. Who would you do, him or Daughtry?
P: Well that's unfair. Totally Daughtry.
W: Alright then.
[We talk about Weetabix's new car and her car salesman who looked like Daughtry]
P: This is a commentary on this song, that we've been talking through most of it.
W: He's got Chris lights too.
P: Well that's appropriate. His name is Chris.
W: No. They're Daughtry! lights. Daughtry™!
P: Oh okay.
W: I feel like we do that a lot, talk during Chris's performance. I'm sorry, Chris, I'm sure you're a very nice person, but you're boring.
P: I agree there are a lot of good performances tonight.
W: Yeah. It's gonna be a hard night.
P: That's what she said. I think Chris is almost certainly gone.
W: Him or Phil Stacey.
P: If we're lucky, him and Phil Stacey.
W: I don't think so.
P: I like Phil, I just like LaKisha more.

(Melinda, "Have A Nice Day")
P: Bon Jovi's like, "I can teach you anything, baby."
W: This song is on right now.
P: I like when he says "baby."
Melinda makes devil horns
W: "Is this right?"
P: Okay, Melinda's pretty awesome right now.
W: She is.
P: I like her rock and roll outfit also.
W: You could totally wear that.
P: I could not wear those heels. They would hurt my feet.
W: Wait until you see what I'm wearing to rock-and-roll karaoke.
P: Oh, awesome. I can't wait. And... Melinda kind of ruled on that.
W: Yeah!
P: That's the most I've ever liked Melinda.
W: It really is. I agree with Randy. It was hot. I like how she keeps throwing the devil signs. "Is this right?"
P: Tina Turner—that is an awesome comparison. Go Melinda!

P: Okay, who do you think is going? I think Chris and LaKisha.
W: NOOOOOOOOO. I think Chris and Sanjaya.
P: Um. I have bad news for you.
W: Chris and Randy. [sees George and Laura Bush] Oh god. CHRIS AND EVIL.
P: George and Laura can both get voted off.
W: It's coincidental they're voting off two. "Amurricans have shown their love for the brown children."
P: They're reading off cue cards. It's so embarrassing.
W: I have to say. My drunken George Bush impression is very good.
P: I concur. I liked "Amurricans" the best.

Weetapidol out.


Blogger Kim said...

Blake was awesome! I LOVED it!

Chris: "...I've seen a million faces and I've rocked them all..."

My sister: "I disagree, sir."

6:57 PM  
Blogger Martha said...

Blake was "da bomb" tonight! Simply amazing. I will be devastated if he goes tomorrow. LaKisha is back and Melinda can sing anything.

7:28 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home