Where The Fuck Is Bono, Already?

P: What are you drinking this afternoon?
W: Saracco 2006. It's not the One True Wine, but I think it might be One Truer.
P: No!
W: I will have to do more quality control.
P: I am drinking coffee. Then I will switch to almond champagne.
[approximately five minutes of gossiping later]
P: I have my champagne! Yay! Cheers!

(so it begins)

P: Oh, he's so earnest, that Ryan Seacrest.
W: They raised a lot of money though. Did you see that? It was like 60 million dollars.
P: Wow.
W: It's more than the gross national product of… some country.
P: Well good for them.
W: I bet they could auction off that glass bridge for more money.
P: Another 60 million.
W: I'm not sure how I feel about the skinny tie. Are skinny ties in?
P: He's… no, I won't say that.
W: What?
P: He's trying to remind us of the starving children.
W: Oh, that's bad.
P: BONO is on the show?? I didn't hear that!
W: Ryan said that when he announced it. What is Randy Jackson wearing?
P: A pool float.
W: I was going to say that! He's wearing the solar cover for a pool.
P: I love how they're donating to poor kids both here and away, so they don't alienate anyone.
W: There's Ryan and Simon going on their honeymoon.
P: They're not playing "Had A Bad Day"?
W: "So you had a bad day… everyone's poor…"
P: We're going to hell.
W: Coldplay is a good choice for tragedy. It's very earnest.
P: Well I can't make fun of this.
W: I know!
P: Go, Idol Gives Back.
W: Did they say where they are?
P: Just "Africa"?
W: I don't understand why there's using this song. "I never meant to cause you trouble…"
P: I think it's the first world taking responsibility for problems that we let languish.
W: Well that's refreshing. See, if you made that skinny tie joke now, it wouldn't be as good.
P: Now I'm feeling too guilty to mock the skinny tie.
W: Do you feel too guilty to mock Chris Richardson?
P: No.
W: I never will.

(Chris Richardson, "Change The World")
W: You know, the boy is just not that cute.
P: I don't understand why he's still on the show.
W: No.
P: He's not doing bad, but this song is so milquetoast.
W: Because Eric Clapton does not have much of a voice.
P: I actually love this song. (sings)
W: You sing it well.
P: He doesn't seem very egotistical. That's one good thing about Chris.
W: I think we should talk about what happens, since we both know, right? That nobody goes home?
P: Yeah.
W: Someone e-mailed and said "I think the reason was that Melinda got the lowest number of votes."
P: I think that's possible, but if you read the Grassy Knoll thread, you start to think everything's possible. They think Jordin's being set up to win.
W: I wouldn't be surprised. She's got the redemption arc. The person pointed out the Dial Idol results—Melinda was second from the bottom.
P: I'm not paying attention to the judges—do they like it?
W: I guess they did.
P: I think LaKisha and Chris had the lowest number, though. And I don't think enough votes are going to be cast to make up the deficit.

(commercials)

W: I am paused on a girl in a blue polka dot thing.
P: That's Ivanka Trump!
W: Okay then. It's Ivanka Trump in a blue polka dot thing.
P: Thanks to MySpace? For spreading the word—as if American Idol needs the help.
W: That's weird. Oh, Louisiana. Right?
P: They're spreading the money throughout "the states." And… this is sad again.
W: It is.
P: I hope they do this every year.
W: Yeah, it's great.
P: Needles! Needles! Needles!
W: It's fine. It's done.
P: Well that was lovely, and once again I have nothing bad to say.
W: I know what I'm doing with this month's charity budget.
P: If we ever make more than a dollar in ad money, I will send it to Idol Gives Back.
W: Click on those ads, viewers!

(Melinda, "There's Will Come A Day")
P: Necklaces! That's the key for Melinda.
W: That actually works really well. There seem to be forty necklaces on there. Look, there's two at least.
P: "Fuckers, I have a neck. I will put many necklaces on it in fact."
W: She does have a very very good. I can see where people like her more than LaKisha.
P: Me too, but she's still kind of boring to me.
W: I think she's boring too.
P: She looks really pretty tonight, though.
W: And she's not doing the surprise. "What? Me?"
P: I wouldn't be sad if she won. She seems very sweet. Actually, everyone who's left is pretty good. Except Douchebag Boogie.
W: Phil Stacey?
P: Okay, every girl who's left is pretty good.

(commercials)

(Blake, "Imagine")
P: Why do they only interview some of them? I don't understand.
W: I think it's a subtle manipulation.
P: I think Blake is singing this with an erection right now.
W: I think so too.
P: "Oh god, I am so deep right now. I am so soulful. I am so real."
W: I hate that they keep pairing white athletic shoes with dark pants. And I can't stand Blake so much that I can't even be funny about it. At least he stopped wearing that damned visor.
P: I think that's the actual Mike Boogie.
W: Was that my imagination?
P: A little bit.
W: They shouldn't backlight him, because it shines right through his ears, and they glow red.
P: Because he's evil. Oh my god, Blake is so in love with himself.
W: It's always the look on his face that bugs me.
P: Blake is emotional about himself, not the song.
W: Peh. That is spelled P-E-H by the way.
P: As Ian would say, "Puh-fuff."
W: "Puh-fuff"?
P: "Puh-fuff." Simon's wrong. Blake wasn't sincere.
W: Blake sincere about how much you should love him. And Ryan is feeling up his bicep.
P: Yeah he is.

(commercials)
P: "Here are some bananas."
W: "Please don't hate me. Here, all eight of you, have this one bowl of food."
P: Fifty cents a day? I want to send them fifty cents a day.
W: So send them fifty cents a day.
P: Maybe there will be some information on where I can do just that. Because that's very sweet and touching.
W: It was.
P: Ryan is good at changing gears form complete pathos to fluff.

(LaKisha, "I Believe")
W: I am really liking her hair.
P: This is that terrible finale song. The stupid shit they made Carrie Underwood or whoever sing. Why, LaKisha?
W: I've heard sometimes they have trouble getting licensing. This may have been a last-minute substitution.
P: I love the bodice of her dress. This song is terrible though.
W: I love her hair.
P: And I know the words to this song. That's what pisses me off.
W: Is this the one that what's-her-name wrote? Tamyra?
P: I think so. Unless she wrote "Inside Your Heaven." That other terrible song.
W: I have to say, I wasn't feeling that one. She's got a great voice, but the song choice was horrible.
P: She sounded great, but… that song is so ass. Oh, it was Fantasia's song.
W: Aaah.
P: Yeah, Fantasia is awesome. And Fantasia is unique. I completely agree with Paula.
W: Telling the audience to shut up kind of makes me love Simon.
P: What would this show be without Simon?
W: I am starting to appreciate what Ryan has to deal with all the time.
P: I know. He doesn't actually have an easy job.
W: Who would have thought I'd be giving props to Ryan fucking Seacrest?

(commercials)
W: I'm paused on the segment we call "Ryan Raps."
P: Okay, I've got Ryan Raps.
W: Phil Stacey is in a suit that makes him look like an undertaker.
P: He has a baby named Mikalah?
W: A lot of people do, these days.
P: Phil looks very self-satisfied.

(Phil, "The Change")
W: "The Change" or "The Chain"?
P: Wait, it's "The Chain"?
W: I don't know. I am unfamiliar with country music, as it is ass.
P: Maybe he'll say one of those words in the song.
W: I think his voice is much better than Chris Richardson's. He's just creepier.
P: He's just got that weird head.
W: He said "change"!
P: I don't like this song, I have decided.
W: I think you're right. I don't see the allure of country at all.
P: How can you not love "The River" by Garth Brooks?
W: I only like that "Friends In Low Places" song.
P: Phil is like, "If you don't change, I will eat your heart."
W: "I will wear your face like a mask."
P: "You've found your comfort"?
W: What?
P: Simon's telling him to be twangier. The theory is they're setting him up for the finale—because Jordin can beat him.
W: That's a good theory.
P: Phil is acting like he isn't even worried about being voted off.
W: Does he know something?

(commercials)
P: I'm getting all teary listening to Simon talking about the starving children. Or maybe it's Chris Martin.
W: No, that was Bright Eyes. Or Keane.

(Jordin, "You'll Never Walk Alone")
W: She's got some eyebrow issues. I'd like to go after her with the tweezers.
P: She keeps going in and out of registers not that smoothly.
W: Yeah, it's strange.
P: She's really "feelin' it, though."
W: Maybe. I like her dress.
P: I'm not crazy about it, actually. It's the Jordin's earrings of this performance.
W: Well now we're a little skeptical, because we don't like being force fed our idols. We prefer to pick our idols.
P: I still pick LaKisha.
W: I would too. She would have rocked this song.
P: There's still nobody I like as much as Chris Daughtry. DAUGHTRY!
W: Not even Ace? What if Ace were naked?
P: Did Randy just say it's the best performance ever on this show?
W: Yes, the best in six seasons.
P: No.
W: What would you say was the best performance ever?
P: "Walk the Line"... "Summertime"… "Stuff Like That There"…"Alone"… "Take Me To The Pilot"?
W: Wait, George Huff?
P: Okay maybe not the best, but I liked it. Oh my god, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"! By Clay Aiken?
W: I didn't see that season at all.
P: You Tube, my friend.
W: I don't think so. I don't ever want to go to You Tube and look up Clay Aiken. That is the road to disaster right there.

(PART TWO)

W: I'm paused on all of them dressed in white, and I think they may have died. I think this is Idol Heaven.
P: I think they're forming a gospel choir.
W: That would be awesome. Look at the height difference between Jordin and Blake.
P: I missed it. Is he a tiny little man?
W: Yeah.
P: No big surprise there. So this is the one where all the people come on and sing things?
W: Yes. That's why it's two hours long.
P: Can we still donate?
W: Americanidol.com. I'm sure they're not going to say "sorry, TiVo users, we don't want your money.
P: Good point.
W: Wow, Paula came out without a shirt on. She's just wearing some kind of lingerie. And Simon likes it.

(Ellen DeGeneres and Earth Wind and Fire)
P: I love Ellen. There's a lot of applause going on in this segment.
W: It's hard to recap it.
P: Well, we don't really have to.
W: Kelly Clarkson!
P: Kelly! And Ellen sings "Shoop" in one of her videos. It's hilarious. Wait, who's singing now?
W: Earth, Wind and Fire?
P: That means nothing to me. It's a bunch of elements.
W: It's the 70s, before you were born, probably.
P: What happened to Air? That's what I want to know?
W: It's blowing out Fire.
P: Oh, I guess that's Wind. In that case, what happened to Water?
W: These are questions I don't have answers to. It was the 70s. It was a very confusing time.
P: So were they a bongo drum band?
W: No…
P: I like the shiny shirt on that guy.
W: I enjoy the blazer on that other guy. A lot of metal stuff going on. This is actually one of my favorite songs.
P: Well then rock on.
W: This is a bad version, but the original's great.
P: Oh, I know this song!
W: It makes me want Diet Coke and Malibu, because it totally reminds me of the Bad Bar.
P: Is this the same song?
W: No, they're doing a medley.
P: This one is something September?
W: I don't know. If Ian were here, he'd tell us.
P: Damn you, Ian. Puh-fuff.

(commercials)

P: Wow, Randy on the stage? That's kind of freaky looking.
W: Was that Sanjaya?
P: Wait, who is this?
W: Quincy Jones. Rashida Jones's father.
P: Wait, what happened to Bono?
W: He's coming.
P: I thought he was supposed to be giving the Idols advice.
W: Maybe we'll see that.
P: Medley!
W: How did Chris get a hoodie?
P: Or Phil and the horrible beret.
W: So bad. I hope he doesn't bring berets back.
P: Jordin did the Ace thing! Where she sang "tears" and pointed to her face!
W: She's going to sing about her heart later. And then her liver.
P: This sounds like a song from Lion King.
W: It does. It's unseen footage of the Lion King Wednesday night potluck, out on the Serengeti.

(commercials)
(Ben Stiller being funny)
(sad Africa montage)

P: Ryan's like, "it's okay, small boy. You can come live in my mansion."
W: Ryan is so sweet. I suddenly love Ryan a lot.
P: Seeing Simon onstage is weird too.
W: Simon doesn't know how to deal with it. He keeps looking at Ryan.
P: I love how Ryan's simultaneously super sincere and super fake. And did Ben Stiller just say he was in love with Blake Lewis?
W: No, I think he mocked him. And she looks like a hot mess.
P: Is that Teri Hatcher?
W: Yeah!
P: Oh… god.
W: There's been a lot of surgery happening there.
P: And some kind of Pat Benatar intervention.

(commercials)

P: See, Melinda looks terrified, because she knows she'd be the only shocker. And she's safe.
W: Wow, that was quick.
P: Now I don't know who's afraid.
W: Phil's suddenly like, "Huh."

P: Look, the tiny children love Paula.
W: These kids weren't even born when she was dancing with the cartoon cat. They only know her through AI.
P: Are you saying we have a deeper knowledge of Paula because we've seen her dancing with the cartoon cat?
W: That's what I am saying.
P: Hee.
W: We know all of her facets.
P: What's with the crying little children? What are they trying to do to us!? I will give you my money!
W: I worked at a homeless shelter for four years, and I'm still getting upset!

(Il Divo)
P: Who?
W: Who?
P: Seriously… Who?
W: An Italian guy?
P: What the hell?
W: That kid looks like Chris Klein's ugly cousin.
P: That other guy looks like a Baldwin brother.
W: They sing like they're fresh off the Les Miserables tour or something.
P: That guy was Marius. And here's Javert….
W: And the older guy would be Valjean.
(We begin talking about How I Met Your Mother and then become distracted when it says "A CHILD DIES.")
P: And people are waving glow sticks?
W: I don't get it.
P: Go, cast of Les Miserables! One More Day! One Day More!
W: Now bring out Eponine.

(commercials)

W: I'm on Hugh Laurie talking British. Hot.
P: So hot.
W: God, I hope it's crying girl.
P: Was that Jack Black? It can't have been Jack Black.
W: I don't think so. Wait, it was. You're good!
P: I am good.
W: You're the celebrity spotter.
P: It's because I'm from L.A. They're like squirrels over there.
W: Hee.
P: Oh, I love Jack Black.
W: What he just did is an actually a vocal warmup technique.
P: Who is that guy with the rose?
W: That's the other half of Tenacious D. And this is so not scripted.
P: No, not at all. Is Paula going to say "magic fluffy pony"?
W: "You're an old soul."
P: Oh, Sanjaya has such a good sense of humor. He's cracking up at their mockery of him. And Seal's right there! That's funny.
W: Where's Heidi Klum?
P: There is some blonde leggy lady next to Seal, but they're cutting her off. I enjoy Jack Black very much.
W: Me too.
P: I didn't even hate Holiday.

P: Blake is safe. Which means we are in danger.
W: Who are they going to make sweat this out?
P: Get your mind in the conspiracy mold, and think about it.
W: Oooooh. Sorry, I couldn't see through my tinfoil hat.
P: Oh god, Carrie Underwood is going to sing, and we will watch sad African children.
W: It's just a video. This is that Pretenders song.
P: I heard she's a real bitch.
W: Really?
P: I've heard she thinks she's hot shit. From multiple sources.
W: Primary sources?
P: No, from the internet. So who knows?
W: They all have Carrie Underwood dolls with yellow hair.
P: See? She's a bitch.
W: She made the little children cry.
P: This is SO SAD.
W: She's supposed to be in Africa right now? Is she dating her violinist?
P: I didn't see any interplay there, but maybe I wasn't paying attention. I hope she's not a bitch.
W: I hope she wasn't a bitch to the little poor children.

(commercials)

P: Wow, I drank that whole bottle of champagne.
W: Wow.
P: Rascall Flats. More country.
W: Ugh.
P: So Kelly Clarkson won't be actually on the Idol stage?
W: I bet she has a video. It's interesting that they have two auditoriums going for this. But I thought Bono and everything. Why do they have all these "Band who?"
P: My vote is to fast forward.
W: Yay. I cosign that. Thank you.
(we fast forward)
P: Oh, Mr. MySpace is like 10 years old.
W: He's Tom! When you join, he automatically becomes your friend, so you have a friend.
P: Oh, coal mining is…
W: Yeah. Unreal. Everything I know about the Appalachians I learned from V.C. Andrews' Heaven.
P: Oh, say no more. I enjoyed Web of Dreams very much.
W: I didn't read that one.
P: It's very good.
W: It's ghostwritten right?
P: It's the first entirely ghostwritten one, but it's still really good. It's about Heaven's mom. It's awesome.
W: I enjoy the big gothic incest-ridden big house rich people beautiful brothers… genre.
P: You have to see the Jesco White movie. That's how I know about Appalachia. And hello, Paula Abdul's boobs.
W: I know. Those have to be fake, I'm sorry.
P: I'm gonna vote not fake.
W: Really, why is that?
P: It just looks like the shirt is doing all the work.

(commercials)
P: I'm paused on the Ford commercial. And they're singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
(Both sing)
P: This is my favorite performance on the show. Fantasia doing this. And I love how Phil pops up out of the backseat like Nosferatu.
W: Rob Lowe? Goldie Hall?
P: Gwyneth?
W: Yay, House! There's Sarah Jessica.
P: HELEN MIRREN IS FABULOUS.
W: She looks confused as to what she's doing there.
P: She is never confused. She is fabulous.
W: Chris Kattan is taking a break from mimicking Constantine. I don't know who half these people are.
P: That was Emily Blunt…
W: Oh, okay. Teri Hatcher still looks like a hot mess. Kevin Bacon. Natalie Portman?
P: That's Natalie Portman.
W: I always confuse those two. I don't know who Kirstie Alley was dancing with. With a priest? That's very strange.
P: Hugh Grant just did his "Love, Actually" dance.
W: Yes, that is my favorite.
P: I can't help loving Gwyneth Paltrow even though I should hate her.
W: Why should you hate her?
P: Because she's all macrobiotic and fake British.

W: Oh no, it's tough to watch, says Ryan. Are you ready to cry?
P: I don't want to cry.
W: They're playing Snow Patrol. You won't be able to help it.
P: Oh my god. There is going to be a DEAD CHILD.
W: That's when Simon walked out and was just overwrought. That was that part.
P: I hope this made people donate. It's going to make me donate!
W: Oh my god.
P: Oh. So sad. And Ellen is going to make me cry with her $100,000.
W: Aawww.
P: Oh god, Josh Groban! That's like cheating!
W: With AFRICAN CHILDREN.

(Lance and Ian come back from the dog park and do a Josh Groban impression.)
P: There are dying African children and you are mocking Josh Groban!
W: Tell them to fuck off, there are dying children.
P (to Weet): Lance and Ian are saying the children would rather die than listen to Josh Groban. They don't get it.
W: The musicians have mullets.
P: Oh my god, the tiny little African children. And Ian is doing some kind of crazy African dance.
Ian: Don't question my crazy African dancing.
Lance: Look, it's crazy dwarves.
P: Those are African children, Lance.
Lance: African pygmies?
P: Weet, help me.
W: I'm too upset. Tell them they're poop heads.
P: I'll just rewind and make them watch the dying people.
W: That will be their punishment. Seriously, look at Josh Groban's nostrils. They're enormous.
P: Well you and I and our readers understand. (to Ian) PUH-FUFF.
W: Tell them to go back to the dog park.

(commercials)

W: Tell Ian that he won't get any frozen custard in Milwaukee if he keeps making fun.
P: No frozen custard!
Ian: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
W: And we will listen to Josh Groban the whole time, and I only have one song on my iPod, which we will listen to over and over.
P: He is now quiet. He is behaving himself. KEL-LY CLARK-SON.
W: I've heard she's wearing something atrocious.
P: Oh that is atrocious. It's a muumuu.
Ian: She's dressed like a Formica tabletop.
W: It's like one of those Magic Eyes where you have to cross your eyes to see what the picture is.
P: Lance thinks it's a vagina, and Ian thinks it's a starving African.
W: I like her hair that length.
P: I wish she was wearing a different dress.
Lance: I wish she was naked, bending over.
P: Oh, you don't even like vaginas. Oh Kelly, you're so good. Listen to those notes. I love Kelly. Does she have a new album coming out?
W: I think so.

(commercials)

P: The Simpsons are funny. Dunkelman! Yay!
W: Dunkelman shoutout! Where IS Bono? Is Bono coming yet?
P: I don't think Bono exists on this show.
W: Ryan's a cock tease, with the Bono.
P: Oh, LaKisha's shirt is gaping!
W: She needs some tape.
P: She thinks she's going home.
W: Yeah you can tell.
P: And she's safe. We know she's safe. We know they're all safe! And we know about the poverty now, too.

P: Oh god, here it is. Elvis.
W: Here it is. Oh dear. I like the retro logo. Esteban's aunt was talking about this and freaking out.
P: Again, I have a soft spot for Celine Dion.
W: I am going to see her this summer in Las Vegas.
P: I want to see her.
W: It's four hundred dollars.
P: Oh.
W: That's not really Elvis! The real Elvis doesn't have a wireless mike.
P: I'm actually amazed by the fake Elvis technology.
W: They had an Elvis lookalike singing on stage and they had it digitally superimposed for the close shots.
P: That makes sense. That's less creepy for some reason.
W: It's still pretty creepy though.
P: Elvis would be rolling over in his grave.
W: Naah. He'd probably be like, "I'd do her."
P: "TV history"? It's FAKE ELVIS! And now Madonna. First Gwyneth and now Madonna.
W: "I am going to buy all of these children."
P: They really did get every famous person on earth to do this.
W: Except us.

(commercials)

W: I'm trying to figure out how to list Idol Cares on my taxes. I may have to donate to Second Harvest directly.
P: Anne Lennox is kind of fabulous. This is a good song. This is no Clay Aiken performance…
W: …No?
P: I know you don't want to look it up but it was SO GOOD.
W: Okay, I will look it up.
P: Aw. You're a good friend. But I wonder—where's Clay Aiken?
W: He's blowing Reichen.
P: I really want gay marriage just so there can be a Reichen Aiken.
W: That should be urban slang for something. "The good old Reichen Aiken."
P: I have to say Clay's performance was better. Even though I like Annie Lennox.
W: I like her better with her blaze orange hair from the Eurythmics era.
P: If they're putting Annie Lennox on after dead Elvis, then Bono could still be coming up….

(commercials)

P: Okay, Rob Schneider is not Bono.
W: He looks like he got let into the wrong party.
P: Here is where they don't eliminate Chris or Jordin. But try to get Jordin extra votes.
W: Oh, this is the terrified…. Jordin was laughing. Did you see the look on her face? And Chris is trying not to laugh.
P: Maybe they both knew. Maybe they were just scaring America.
W: They had to have let them in on it. I think it's cruel to not let them in.
P: Um.. there was no Bono. Can I point out? Wait, now is Bono? There's Bono! Yay!
W: Yay! He's like stalking them from the corner.
P: What was his real original name? Like Bob Bononovich?
W: Paul something, I think. But he took Bono Vox as his stage name. And then dropped the Vox.
P: He's kind of getting old. Don't get old, Bono! And now they're all going to sing. And Jordin just hit a really off note.
W: That was awful. And my TiVo stopped on me.
P: I will report: Melinda sounds great, and it's obvious she would kick Jordin's ass in the finale. Phil is negligible. And now my DVR stopped. Okay, any final words?
W: Who do we think is going home next week? Like you said, this week's votes are going to have so much impact on last week's totals…
P: Chris and LaKisha.
W: Maybe, but what if it's Melinda and LaKisha, opening the way for Jordin in your demographic theory?
P: I think that's a possibility too. It would be like Jennifer Hudson squared. Or Chris Daughtry squared.
W: And this is that time, right? Sixth?
P: Yeah, like sixth, fifth, fourth…
W: We're poised for the shocker.
P: Okay, I'm poised. Weetapidol out.

Never Let Go, Sanjaya

Every week on Idol
We saw you, we heard you,
That is how we know you can't sing

From across the phone lines
And stages between us
You're off the show but you will go on

Near, far
wherever you are
We believe that your hair does go on
Once more you open your mouth
And you can't hit the notes
But your hair will go on and on

We voted for you one time
When you sang "Bathwater"
They said we should vote till you were gone

I think Seacrest loved you
And Paula, she did too
And that girl who cried that one time

Whether it be
VH1 or E!
We know that you'll always be on
It's not a dream; you'll be on our screen
But it won't be the same
On Tuesdays we'll sob and sob

You're gone, now something is wrong
But we know that the show will go on
We'll put calls through, I guess for Mindy Doo
But the show sucks without you
Your hair must go on and on

Pool Update: Go Kim!

And Sanjaya is out! Here are the standings for this week:

12 points: Kelly S., Kim, Weetabix
11 points: Shmuel
10 points: Carlywei, Wendi, Amanda
9 points: Emily, Kat, S., Mo Pie
8 points: Editrix, Angela, Martha, Stacey


And the overall standings, which puts Kim in first place--amazing considering she had a penalty in the first week!:

63 points: Kim*
62 points: Carlywei
61 points: Martha, Mo Pie
60 points: Angela
59 points: Shmuel, Kelly S.
58 points: Kat, Wendi
54 points: Stacey
53 points: Emily
51 points: Editrix, Amanda
50 points: S.*
48 points: Weetabix*

* = Entered late, points penalty assigned

Sanyaja Take The Wheel

P: Oh god, Virginia Tech.
W: How can Ryan come back and say A-MERICAN Idol after talking about Virginia Tech? At least it was a little subtle. And apologetic.
P: It was a little ridiculous.
W: What is your wine?
P: It is awesome. It is St. Supery Sauvignon Blanc that we got in Napa.
W: Nice.
P: Yours?
W: Mine is a varietal, called Clancys…
P: "Panties"?
W: CLANCYS. Ryan looks very dapper tonight. Maybe he should be wearing plaid and snaps for country night.
P: I know zero about Martina McBride.
W: She has done "Valentine" which I have done for karaoke.
P: I know that song!
W: And she did a version of "O Holy Night" that is wonderful. But that twangy shit, I just can't deal with.
P: I have a weak spot for country. Like I think I hate it, but individual songs, I like.
W: Really?
P: Like Dolly Parton. "Eagle When She Flies."
W: But that's old school country. I think the genre has really splintered away from the Cash, the Cline, the Parton..

(Phil, "Where The Blacktop Ends")
W: By Keith Urban, who gets to fuck Nicole Kidman.
P: Who HAS to fuck Nicole Kidman.
S: Ha! That's why he's on all the drugs.
[Martina: He did a little soulful lick…]
P: Is it just me, or did "soulful lick" just sound really gross?
W: Yeah. It was porny. Hey, no pancake hat! God, I hate country.
P: I have a weak spot for his tinsel shirt, and this country song.
W: We're going to be at odds tonight, you and I.
P: Tinsel shirt!
W: Was that Michael Caine?
P: I find it hard to believe that Michael Caine would have to whore himself out for American Idol.
W: I have two words for you: Miss Congeniality.
[The dog barks crazily]
W: Does Goulash not like Phil Stacey?
P: He either really hates him or really loves him. Now he's growling and biting on a shirt…which I don't know what to do with. And wow, the audience loves this. And.. do you see that sweater? Randy's going to Hogwarts.
W: Ha!
P: I agree, this was good. I mean, maybe I'm just drunk…
W: It did not suck. I have to get more wine. The thing with country is there's a lot of "woo"ing, for no real reason.

(Jordin, "Broken Wing")
P: So I guess this is by Martina. Did Pick Pickler do this last year?
W: Maybe. I kind of want Pickler out of my mind.
P: She was on "Go Fug Yourself" today.
W: I saw. She looked like a foil-wrapped baked potato.
P: Jordin's wearing a nightgown. She's wearing a Rue McClanahan nightgown.
W: Her only frame of reference is Ellie Mae Clampett.
P: Tinsel is the theme though.
W: It does seem to be. I like her hair like that. I'm not sure what's going on with that dress.
P: Cleopatra meets a Christmas tree?
W: She has boobs, doesn't she?
P: Presumably.
W: It's a mystery.
P: The only body parts I knew about were Haley's and she's gone.
W: LaKisha's got a great rack.
P: Yeah, somebody did this song. Carrie, or Pickler, or somebody.
W: I have a hard time distinguishing, when it comes to country. There's that Tim McGraw song where some woman dies… maybe… or something. I know that song.
P: Clearly. You have a really good grasp of that song.
W: It's like a little short story. Like a Boy Named Sue.
P: The audience is really into it tonight. I'm sure that was good.
W: I'm sure it was good. Oh, she's crying I'm think.
P: Have Randy's lips always been purple?
W: I do not recall. I think it's proof that they are piping in some gas into the audience. That's a sign of too much helium.
P: Wow. What a compliment from Simon.
W: That was a great one.
P: Well, Jordin is pretty awesome.
W: Mm hmm.
P: Even if Goulash is barking again.
W: No kidding.
P: Look at how tiny Ryan looks again.
W: He's a wee, wee man.
P: Well, he does like the wee-wees. HAHAHAHA! I'm very sorry.

(commercials)
[We come back from commercials and discuss the fact that we've paused on Constantine looking like a penis.]
W: It's like he's spoofing himself. I'm starting to think Chris Kattan is just showing up in the audience dressed like Constantine.

(Sanjaya, "Something To Talk About")
P: Oh my god, Sanjaya and his bandana. And afro. He's gonna win. I have no idea who's going to go home, but he's going to win.
W: Hillary said he just might. She said that in elections, anybody can win.
P: Oh, I love this song!
W: I don't even think of it as being country.
P: Bonnie Raitt is pretty country.
W: I guess.
P: I love how all the guests are surprised that Sanjaya can sing. Maybe he just chooses songs everybody loves, and that's his secret.
W: I wouldn't sya "Bathtub" is a song everybody loves.
P: Whatever he did last week was. "Cheek to Cheek." I mean two weeks ago.
W: Yet again, red shirt? You need a bra.
P: Sanjaya is not singing well and his shirt is unfortunate.
W: I don't know what to make of this part.
P: The dog is yelping and humping Ian's foot.
W: Wow, that's awesome.
P: I don't know what that says about Sanjaya.
W: I think you know what it says about Sanjaya.
P: I agree with Randy, it wasn't that good.
W: I don't agree with the fact that Randy not only talked about himself in the third person, but called himself "the dawg."
P: Simon hates Sanjaya. Vote for the worst is kicking in right now.
W: Mm hmm.
P: I completely agree with Simon, but it's not going to get rid of Sanjaya.
[Simon and Ryan bicker homoerotically about Sanjaya.]
W: Bitch fight!

(commercials)

(LaKisha, "Jesus Take The Wheel")
W: Wow.
P: Nice.
W: Referential.
P: It's awesome that Carrie Underwood has become an artist that can be sung on American Idol. And I don't even like her.
W: I didn't even watch that season.
P: I think LaKisha's song choice may save her this week.
W: You're right about the sparkly. Everybody but Sanjaya so far has had the sparkly. The boots.
P: I'm not sure how I feel about the boots.
W: I'm not sure either. I'm just noting it. I like the cut of the dress, though. I don't like the embellishments, but I like the4 cut of the dress.
P: I love LaKisha. I don't know this song. But I love LaKisha. And I think the audience knows this song. Which makes it smart.
W: She's kinda rocking it.
P: There's no way Carrie could be better than LaKisha.
W: No. Look, they were all standing.
P: That's because they know LaKisha is awesome.
W: Either that or they want to get a better look at the boots.
P: Wow, LaKisha's fans have drawn a sign on a napkin. That's a bad sign… so to speak.
W: Maybe the judges are trying to scare people into voting for LaKisha.
P: She's got gold shadow, and I enjoy it.
Simon: It's like a hamburger for breakfast. It doesn't go.
W: I like hamburgers for breakfast.
P: Who doesn't? But LaKisha's in trouble!
W: He's right though about blowing everyone away with Jennifer Holliday…
P: I told you! She peaked!
w: No! I don't want you to be right. No peaking, LaKisha!

(Chris, "Mayberry")
P: Okay, he's the one who can go home.
W: I'm so done with him.
P: Martina just likes everybody. She's useless.
W: She's got pretty eyes though.
P: She really does.
W: I'm so sick of white sneakers with dark jeans.
P: I'm sick of Chris Richardson.
W: He's got a wallet in his back pocket. Like, is he gonna get carded on stage?
P He just bores me to tears. Little cue-ball K. Fed. I can't even be bothered to type, about Chris. This is really short. Now he's crying about Virginia Tech! That's cheating! Oh, that's low, man. That's worse than crying about your baby. That's like name-checking 9/11.
W: He just Rudy Giuliani'd the American Idol vote.

(commercials.)

(Melinda, "Trouble Is A Woman")
P: That top is pretty good for her neck.
W: Fooling you into thinking she has one?
P: Yes. And Melinda looks so surprised that Martina think she's amazing!
W: Yeah, that's getting old. But that top is supposed to be a corset and only the top two things are laced.
P: I still think that shirt is the best thing she's ever worn.
W: It's the first thing that shows her age. They should put her in strapless things more often.
P: This is kind of a cool song.
W: Mmm hmm. It makes me hungry for ribs.
P: Hee!
W: I cannot explain that comment.
P: I think you just want to hang out with Melinda and have ribs.
W: Yeah. Or just have some ribs by myself. Actually, maybe it's that really good ribs places have music like this playing, It's just conditioning.
P: I'm really digging on Melinda right now.
W: Not bad. Best thing so far tonight.
P: I agree. And I hope she doesn't looks surprised. Just look… pleased.
[Simon says lose the surprise.]
W: He totally cockblocked her surprise.
P: Simon is smart.
W: I think Simon's reading Weetapidol.

(Blake, "When The Stars Go Blue ")
P: So Martha asked why we hate Blake. My answer is because he looks like Mike Boogie and is a douche.
W: I have the right to hate him for no reason. How about that?
P: Oh, fuck. I LOVE THIS SONG.
W: Now you know my pain when I sang "Love Song."
P: This is why I hate Blake! He sings songs I love! And he does fucking great!
W: He sees inside our hearts. And uses it against us.
P: He's in the same Hogwarts house as Randy. The white and black sweater house.
W: I have to say he's very good.
P: God, I have to VOTE FOR HIM NOW.
W: You know he's going to beatbox this. You can't vote for him.
P: I vote for him under duress. I love this performance. And I hate him! He confuses me on the inside.
W: You know what I hate about this? He has me kind of convinced that this is indie.
P: Goulash just farted. I think he's protesting my vote for Blake.
W: The world has farted over your vote for Blake. Why did Simon just bring up Virginia Tech?
P: That has absolutely nothing to do with Blake's performance. And it makes Blake look like an asshole for smiling.
W: I know.

(recap)
P: Who do you think is going home?
W: Whoever I say, it's wrong.
P: Say LaKisha, then!
W: No, I don't want to be right! It's too much to hope that it's Sanjaya.
P: It should be Sanjaya. It's going to be not Sanjaya. That's my prediction.
W: It should be Sanjaya… after that it should be Chris Richardson, but he pulled out the Giuliani card. I… have no idea.
P: Maybe I'll say LaKisha again.
W: As a totem against her going?
P: No, I still have a big feeling.
W: I do agree that the demographic theory is at play. I don't understand why people like Melinda so much more than LaKisha. I would think that would be fairly evenly split.
P: I think it's the humility.
W: Oh, so what?
P: I know. But in conclusion, I have no idea.
W: No.
P: Anything could happen.

Weetapidol out.

This Week's Pool Results

Phew! Thank god I was wrong about LaKisha! Haley is gone; most of us thought she'd go sooner. Only one person thought she'd last longer, and that was Angela, who had her coming in fifth. Here are this week's results:

13 points: Kat (go Kat!)
11 points: Editrix, Martha, S, Kim
10 points: Shmuel, Wendi, Stacey, Weetabix, Angela
9 points: Amanda, Emily, Kelly S., Carlywei, Mo Pie


And the overall standings, with last year's winner, Martha, pulling ahead:

53 points: Martha
52 points: Carlywei, Mo Pie, Angela
51 points: Kim*
49 points: Kat
48 points: Wendi, Shmuel
47 points: Kelly S.
46 points: Stacey
45 points: Emily
43 points: Editrix
41 points: Amanda, S.*
36 points: Weetabix*

Top 8 are not fooled by the rocks that you got

Rumor has it that J.Lo's on tonight's Idol and we're very very excited. So excited that we spend some time talking about our lives while Pie's TiVo records enough of the show to create a buffer for commercials. Weet is drinking Gnarly Head Old Vine Zin and Pie is drinking Sauvignon Blub blub.


P: Who is that that looks like Kelly Clarkson in the background?
W: I think that's Haley.
P: Oh… kay.
W: Maybe it's Sanjaya.

(credits)

W: Oh look! Nathan Fillion, whom you've met!
P: Oh, Nathan Fillion is there?!
W: Yes.
P: I didn't meet him, I just talked to him on the phone. But yay!

(J. Lo montage)

P: Ian wanted to know if J. Lo was going to get voted off. Now Ian is doing a little Jennifer Lopez dance.
W: I really wish I were there. Did you hear Ryan doing the newscaster accent?
P: Yjeennniffer Ylooopez.
W: Hee. I hope he says "E-merica Idolllle!"
P: Oh, Jennifer Lopez is so nice to the little Idols. I love her in crazy romantic movies, I can't help it!
W: Why is that?
P: I have issues. Also, The Wedding Planner!
W: Haven't seen it.
P: It's so good! And kind of bad.

(Melinda, "Sway")
P: How is this song Latin?
W: I don't know. There's a big Latin drum in the back, perhaps?
P: I don't think she's one of J. Lo's favorites.
W: No. I'm sorry, but J. Lo sitting on that stool... I understand why she's a super star. It's like "Holy shit! J. Lo!"
P: I know.
W: Oh, I know this song.
P: Jennifer Connelly sang it in Dark City.
W: Melinda looks sultry. That's a good dress for her. Just look… don't look at her neck. Just look at the dress.
P: Yeah, totally. Good hair too. And I've loved this song ever since Dark City. Except… she's not doing it for me.
W: She's got a great voice, but she doesn't have the stage presence. Like LaKisha walks out there and owns it. I hate to keep bringing up LaKisha, but…
P: ...Well, you wouldn't want to bring up Sanjaya.
W: It's that "oh, who, me?" she gives it off even when she's performing.
P: Paula used the same word you did. She said "sultry."
W: I don't know if I should be insulted by that.
P: She's making the puppy dog face.
W: See, I agree with Simon. It wasn't that I didn't like it, it was just eeeh.
P: It'll be interesting to see how she reacts to this criticism. Oh, that was cute. That was "winning."
W: It doesn't mean much when Ryan says you're sexy.

(commercials)

(LaKisha, "Conga")
P: This dress... well, it could go either way.
W: It seems a little Coca-Cola-centric, for some reason.
P: I think you just nailed my unease.
W: I like that she always rocks the boobies, though.
P: And the arms.
W: Really? She's doing "Conga"?
P: I love Jennifer Lopez! I'm sorry! I can't help it!
W: I'm being swayed. I kind of like her too, and I don't even like her.
P: She likes LaKisha.
W: Good hair, good lip gloss. Frickin' awesome dress minus the Coke endorsement.
P: Yeah, the bottom of that dress is great.
W: I think it's the tie dye aspect that bothers me.
P: I love her little dancing. She just rocks it.
W: It's so cute.
P: Again I must declare my love for LaKisha.
W: As if everybody doesn't know.
P: Well people think she's going to get voted off soon.
W: But why?! Her breasts are so beautiful!
P: They see her as arrogant or something.
W: That's the thing. You can't be arrogant if you're a big beautiful woman.
P: Yeah, you don't want to be the bitter fat chick. And Randy liked it! Yay! And... I don't think I've ever seen Randy and Paula disagree to this extent.
W: As soon as Paula compliments how you look, you know it's bad.
P: Oh no! I don't want LaKisha to get voted off!
W: Maybe Simon's trying to scare everyone.
P: I hope so. And yes, her breasts are marvelous.
W: They are fantastic.

(commercials)

(Chris R., "Smooth")
P: Oh my god, I love this song.
W: He would be good at this.
P: She's so cute, that J. Lo! With her Spanish words!
W: Any other person on that stool would be unfortunate and squishy. But she's got it going on.
P: Yay!
W: Ooh, the drum guy got to be on the stage!
P: This is not that good.
W: He's not starting strong.
P: And he's doing weird curve hands…
W: I'm......... no. That's all I can say.
P: That's all you need to say. This is........ no.
W: Hahaha.
P: I never thought of that guy from Matchbox 20 as that good of a singer.
W: I'm sure Rob Thomas applauds you now.
P: I certainly applaud him now.
W: It's just not getting any better.
P: Yeah, it's not good. He's no Rob Thomas. A sentence I never thought I would say.
W: Even the little girl's like, "Is the camera on me? Am I supposed to be clapping? For that?"
P: Randy likes this, too?
W: Is Randy on Zoloft?
P: And is Paula....well, Paula is always on something. I just answered my own question.

(commercials)

(Haley, "Turn the Beat Around")
P: Haley and J. Lo are dressed the same.
W: Oh my god, no. Blake.
P: NO BEATBOXING. Why does J. Lo like Blake?!
W: Holy shit, Haley's wearing no clothes.
P: It's just... she's got the legs. Those short shorts.
W: You nailed it. Once again it's "at least I'm not fat."
P: Diana DeGarmo did this one....
W: That's right.
P: ...on Gloria Estefan night.
W: You are a font of American Idol trivia.
P. Uh...I have the MP3.

P: She's got blowjob lipstick happening.
W: I was JUST THINKING THAT. Like "fellate that microphone." If Esteban had been walking through, he totally would have said something.
P: Totally.
W: I am not a fan of the hairstyle she's sporting. I've never been a fan of that hairstyle.
P: I agree with Randy. It sucked. Diana DeGarmo sucked at that too.
W: I think it's a really hard song to sing. And I love how Simon calls her on her clothes.
P: "Go ahead! Dress like a slut! It's working!" Wow, that was harsh.
W: I wish Ryan would rip off that top so she'd be standing there in just her bra and her hot pants.
P: I bet a lot of people are wishing that.

(Phil, "Maria Maria")
P: This could be good… or a trainwreck.
W: Wow, Phil Stacey is profound.
P: He's starstruck. He noticed the thing about J. Lo on the stool though. And she felt goosebumps.
W: She felt that he was going to chloroform her and put her in his van.
P: I like this song too. And I just had this vision of Sanjaya singing "Livin' La Vida Loca"
W: I might go into the Sanjaya camp if he sings that. Any Ricky Martin song and I will be Sanjayafied.
P: Boy I hate that beret. That lopsided beret.
W: It's awful. And that was not a good note.
P: Speaking of awful. I don't really have goosebumps.
W: No.
P: Nobody has wowed me yet. Not even LaKisha, if I'm being honest.
W: It is very sad.
P: Maybe Latin night is just a terrible idea.
W: For all these white kids? Maybe. If we'd had club circuit party boy, he'd have rocked.
P: I think I recall Gloria Estefan night going poorly as well.
W: I wonder if there's a moritorium on doing J. Lo songs though, after Gwen Stefani night debacle?
P: I'll be very sad if nobody does a J. Lo song. I want Sanjaya to do "Jenny from the Block."
W: That would be awesome.

(commercials)

(Jordin, "The Rhythm Is Gonna Get You")
P: Her top is a little crazy, but I think I might like it.
W: I like it actually. I don't know if it's a good color for her, but I love it.
P: I agree, I love 80s night.
W: She was born in December of 89?
P: Oh god, I am old.
W: I was out of high school.
P: How is Michael Jackson in any way Latin?
W: I have no answer to that.
P: Wait, this isn't Michael Jackson.
W: It's Miami Sound Machine. More Gloria Essssstefffan. I like Jordin's hair like that.
P: Jordin is cute. She's good. Her outfit is cute this week.
W: I would have amped up the color though. It washes her out too much.
P: I think she's got such a beautiful skin tone that continuing it is not a bad thing.
W: To me, it reflects too much up on her skin. I'm weird about matching your skin tone to your hair.
P: She's got a good voice, but... eh.
W: Yeah.
P: I've crossed over into not caring. I am just biding time until Sanjaya butchers whatever he's gonna butcher.
W: It's gonna be great. Are they saving him for the pimp spot?
P: I'm beginning to think so. Maybe Blake.
W: Who's left—Boogie and Sanjaya?
P: I think so. I totally agree with Simon. I think everybody's kinda sucked.
W: Yeah. J. Lo night? Not so much. The most exciting part has been seeing J. Lo sitting on the stool looking adorable.

(Blake, "I Need To Know")
W: They're saving Sanjaya for the pimp spot.
P: J. Lo likes Blake.
W: Yeah she does.
P: I like how she just referred to her husband as "Marc Anthony."
W: Did Blake always have a sleeve? Did he always have ink on his arm?
P: I never noticed.
W: He does. Look.
P: He is dressed like the Miami Sound Machine.
W: All of them.
P: God, he's a tool. And his see-through colander hat.
W: Hee. I think they're $5.99 at the Miami airport.
P: Hee. He's going to be in the final fucking two.
W: God I hope not. The thing is, Blake has the showmanship that Melinda lacks.
P: And he can sing. That's what pisses me off.
W: I don't know if I can ever forgive him for singing the Cure. I hold grudges.
P: I find him such a douche, yet I acknowledge his talent.
W: It's like he's a singing Cabbage Patch Doll. That's my problem with Blake.
P: Randy just likes fuckin' everything tonight.
W: I'm telling you. He's on Zoloft. And sadly. Simon's fucking right. It really was the best performance of the night.
P: I agree, and it fucking pisses me off.
W: His undershirt doesn't even match his top. And they just said "Latin passion" and "Sanjaya" in the same sentence. I'm glad I saved enough wine to get me through Sanjaya.

(commercials)

(Sanjaya, "Something in Spanish")
W: I am paused on a sign that says "Don't be fooled by the votes that he's got. He's still, he's still Sanjaya from the block."
P: YOU ARE NOT. Oh my god!
(uproarious laughter)
W: I just farted.
(laughter)
W: You can't blog that.
P: I can't??
W: Okay, fine. That sign is hilarious.
P: They've embraced the phenomenon that is Sanjaya.
W: J. Lo likes Sanjaya.
P: And I love J. Lo.
W: And by analysis, you love Sanjaya?
P: "By analysis"?
W: By algebra! It's a tautology of logic!
P: He's got a goatee??
W: That's eye pencil. I'm sorry, that is totally makeup. There is no way that is actually facial hair on that kid.
P: I have to give him props for singing in Spanish.
W: I was just gonna say. That's pretty impressive. Unless he speaks Spanish. Wait, he just transferred into English.
P: He's going back and forth.
W: I was really hoping he'd go u[p there and sing "She Bangs." That would be the ultimate American Idol "Vote for the Worst" statement.
P: That was actually...
W: ...not bad.
P: Not at all bad.
W: He does the bedroom eyes at the camera. And I just got the "Shake and Blake" sign. That it's a Will Ferrell reference.
P: Yep, Ricky Bobby. I love the signs! And there are some weird-ass high fiving people in the crowd.
W: Are you sure that's not BJ and Jeremy from Amazing Race?
P: BJ and Jeremy? Do you mean BJ and Tyler?
W: Yeah, them. This is my six degrees of separation of reality television.
P: While drunk.

(Montage)

P: Who do you think is going?
W: I don't know. Haley or Phil Stacey? Chris Richardson was awful though.
P: I feel like it could be anybody. Except Sanjaya. There's no way it's gonna be Sanjaya.
W: I don't think it's going to be Sanjaya either. I don't think Phil did all that badly.
P: This might be Haley's week to go, but... she's the last white chick left.
W: So do you think Haley and Gina were splitting the white chick vote?
P: I don't know what the hell was going on.
W: At this point, I think Haley's got the sexpot vote that Katherine McPhee rode until the end.
P: Yeah, you could be right.
W: Which means... there's a lot of white guys. So if we go with the demographic theory, it's Phil or Chris. I don't think Blake's going.
P: There's also three black women. I can't see any of them going except LaKisha.
W: I can't imagine a reality where one of them should go before one of the white guys should go.
P: I'm at a loss to predict this one.
W: I think should go: Chris Richardson. But will go...yeah. I'm leaning Phil Stacey, or maybe Melinda.
P: Should go, I say Haley. Will go, I'm going with the shocking LaKisha.
W: Hush your mouth.
P: I have to prepare myself for the worst. PrepareForTheWorst.com.
W: We should register that.

Weetapidol is bracing itself for an upset.

Pool Results!

Not even Kim saw this one coming! However, this Sexual Idol guy, claiming to have inside information, posted this result yesterday. (I don't know what those "click here" links are about; I assume it's some kind of crazy-ass spam.) Anyway, crazy! My demographic theory is dead in the water.

13 points: Carlywei (good going, Carly!)
12 points: Stacey, Wendi
11 points: Angela, Martha, Kat
10 points: Amanda, Emily, Kelly, Mo Pie, S., Kim, Weetabix
9 points: Editrix
8 points: Shmuel

And the overall standings, with a brand new three-way tie:

42 points: Carlywei, Mo Pie, Martha
41 points: Angela
40 points: Kim*
38 points: Shmuel, Kelly S., Wendi
36 points: Emily, Kat, Stacey
32 points: Editrix, Amanda
30 points, S.*
26 points: Weetabix*

* = Entered late, points penalty assigned

Top 9: We Left our Hearts On Randy's Bedazzeled Shirt Sleeve

It's Tuesday night and Weet and Pie stay up late to rage against time zones and be in awe of the sheer oldness of Mister Tony Bennett.


Pie: Tony Bennett, this is pretty cool.
Weet & Pie: AMMMMMERIcan Idol.
Weet: Are we drunk already?
P: Yes.
W: You need to drink more, because I'm almost done with this bottle.
P: Should we turn this into a dri—
W: We need to come up with a dri—
(laughter)
W: Ooh, that's eerie.
P: Okay what's the drinking game then?
W: I don't know. Whenever he says AMMMERICAN Idol, definitely take a drink.
P: How about if Randy is wearing something fucking bizarre?
W: Like the bedazzeled tattoo shirt that he got at Dress Barn? Did you know that Tony Bennett grabbed my mom's ass?
P: I did not know that.
W: Bit of trivia. She's very proud.
P: Tony Bennett. That is one class act right there. Aside from the ass grabbing.

(Blake Lewis, "Mack the Knife")
P: I love standards night. It's usually my favorite one.
W: I tell you right now, if Mike Boogie beatboxes…
P: Drink?
W: Yes, drink. Oh, he's doing Mack the Knife though. I like this song.
P: Tony Bennett does not enjoy Blake.
W: I think if he were 20 years younger he would… bleh... kicked... ugh... I'm drunk.
P: Oh, what did he just do? He was, like, reaching into his jacket for GHB.
W: That's the other guy, Cap'n Date Rape.
P: That is a hideous jacket.
W: The striped tie with the plaid pants and the white sneakers? I swear, he's dressed like Steve Martin in The Nerd.
P: … The Jerk you mean?
W: Er… no, it's a little known thing that Steve Martin did in community theater. You know, Mike Boogie is not doing a bad job.
P: It makes me fucking angry that he's good.
W: He's pretty good. And he's in the pimp spot. He did some scat though. I think it was appropriate, however.
P: Scat in Mack the Knife... you can't argue with that.
W: No. WHAT IS RANDY WEARING?
P: I'm at a loss for words.
W: I think he bought that at Catherine's Stout Shop.
P: And Paula has taken Randy's referee shirt and made a jacket out of it.
W: What the fuck are his friends wearing? I bet they made those tees on Zazzle. Okay, I'm kind of liking Simon's chest hair.
P: You ARE drunk.

(commercials)

(Phil Stacey, "Night and Day")
W: Strangely attractive Phil Stacey. He's growing hair back, did you see?
P: It's making him more attractive.
W: I don't know. It's kind of making him look like a guidance counselor.
P: I think he's back to being a little creepy.
W: And it's not like he's doing very well.
P: He has delightful teeth. Very white and straight.
W: I think they get a bunch of Crest Night Whitening Expressions Effects as part of their American Idol Pack. That is my theory.
P: I enjoy how your theory includes a Pack.
W: It's more of a gift basket really.
P: Yeah, that performance was pretty good.
W: You know, if you don't look at him, he sounds great. There are actually people with Phil signs in the audience. Weird.
P: Well, someone's voting for him. Randy talks, and I am just transfixed by the shirt.
W: My eyes are caught by the Bedazzling action on his forearm.
P: And Paula's scarf is a fucking mess with that jacket.
W: I agree. But I think Phil is kind of reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra.
P: Blasphemous.
W: I can tell I am drunk because she was like "I need you to..." and there was a pause I filled it with "concentrate on my clitoris."
P: Hee.
W: Phil Stacey's got a Dunkelman! Take a drink. That's a rule. Appearance of Dunkelman: take a drink.

(Melinda Doolittle, "I Got Rhythm")
P: Again, she's looking surprised by his praise.
W: She was actually tearing up.
P: I don't think it's affected, I just think it's getting old.
W: I think she just forgets about the past praise.
P: Maybe she has some kind of short-term memory disorder.
W: How are you feeling about this outfit?
P: I am not liking it at all. It looks like it's got bloodstains.
W: I think on anyone else, it would look awesome. Jen Wade would look incredible in that little dress.
P: I like her hair and I like the neckline….
W: I don't know if this neckline works for her.
P: I think the skirt is the wrong fabric. Boy, she can really sing.
W: I really do think she has star potential.
P: She sings like that and I think, she HAS to know she's good.
W: And again with "What? Is this for me? Are you clapping for me? What?"
P: I know. Take the compliment, woman, without looking soo-prized.
W: You have to type "soo-prized."
P: People just want little Melinda to win.
W: What about LaKisha?
P: Well I want LaKisha to win.
W: Yeah, I do too.
P: Melinda's great. I don't have anything against her. I just prefer LaKisha. Maybe it's fat girl bias.
W: I'm sure on my end that it's fat girl bias. I have no problem with Melinda except her strange neck situation.

(commercials)

(Chris Richardson/K. Fed/Brian Bonsall, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore")
P: You know how you said he looks like Brian Bonsall? Sars posted the same thing today.
W: Oh really?
P: Wait, does he "imagine he's singing to Paula"? What the fuck is wrong with Ryan?
W: I think this is called Ryan: Desperate. I think he just rubbed his hand on the inside of Chris's thigh.
P: Nice silhouette.
W: Yeah. I think we're seeing the new generation of Chris lights.
P: He still looks skeevy.
W: He's still very K. Fed. I think he's wearing the hat that goes with Boogie's pants.
P: This is fun. I am kind of missing Chris Sligh though.
W: I am too. And I am also kind of dreading the fact that we have Sanjaya coming up.
P: I just had this horrible feeling that I had a dream about him that I'm blocking out.
W: Sanjaya or Chris Richardson?
P: Sanjaya.
W: Wow, you're very honest. I would have said Chris Richardson.
P: He was good.
W: Yeah.
P: I knew I should have swapped him and Chris Sligh in my pool placements.
W: I know, me too, I'm pissed. And Paula's drunk. Look at her eyes.
P: I don't understand who his fan base is at all.
W: I think the young teenyboppers who want the hotties are going for Boogie.
P: It's the only explanation for Boogie. Also his annoying fucking talent. I guess it's the only explanation for Sanjaya. That's where I'm putting the teenyboppers.
W: And Vote for the Worst.

(Jordin, "On A Clear Day")
P: I'm having a bad feeling about Jordin all of a sudden. And she hasn't even started singing.
W: What is her hand doing? I don't like what her hand is doing there.
P: And her vest. I do not enjoy her vest.
W: No.
P: I feel she's buried in terms of her placement... she's screwed demographically… and she's not good enough to overcome that.
W: I tend to agree.
P: This is just sheer instinct. I could be totally wrong.
W: I trust your instinct. Except I think I said insynct.
P: Well, I have good insynct.
W: I think her little tiny vest trying to disguise her ass is not going to go well with America's voters. We do not like caginess with our plus-sized woman. We want full-frontal plus-sized women.
P: Paula's babbling again. Thank god. Last week when she was coherent, I didn't know what to do with myself.
W: I know. I need her complete inanity.
P: She's not going to sail through, though. Paula's wrong.

(commercials)

(Gina Glocksen, "Smile")
W: Oh, I love this song!
P: I don't think I know this song.
W: It's a beautiful song. Bette Midler sings it in Beaches.
P: Then I will know it.
W: If you and I are truly kindred spirits, you will know it. And I may have to sing it with Gina. This is one of my "try out for musicals" songs.
P: She looks pretty, but a little skank.
W: She's singing such a classy song, I'm forgiving her for that. I don't like what her red streak is doing on top of her bouffant.
P: I think she's overaccessorized, and she should look more simple and classic.
W: And she could do that while still being punk. She doesn't need to look like she's about to go to a Joy Division concert.
P: I don't hear you singing.
W: I'm trying to listen to Gina! And I actually can do that better.
P: You could do it while dressed better.
W: Well, that goes without saying. But I agree, Simon!
P: I also agree with Simon. She's no Katharine McPhee. McPhee would have rocked that.
W: That would have been perfect for Katharine McPhee.

(Sanjaya, "Cheek to Cheek")
W: Tony met Sanjaya… And then Tony Bennett died. We're sad to report that this is the last clip of Tony Bennett.
P: Hee. He likes Sanjaya.
W: He's 80 years old. He's senile. He grabbed my mom's ass. What judgment does the man have?
P: I LOVE this song.
W: I do too. How Stevie does he look?
P: (sings along)
W: Yay Pie!
P: He REALLY can't sing.
W: No. What happened to Sanjaya from the tryouts? He could actually sing.
P: You kind of like the poor kid… and you wish him well... but he's in over his head.
W: I enjoy that he's wearing saddle shoes.
P: And he picked one of my favorite songs.
W: "Sanjaya is my papaya"? Do you think she just got to the end of the sign and was like, "uuhh..."
P: She got to the end of her rhyming dictionary. "Flangaya…"
W: Pariah. Which I think belongs on a sign, but probably not a pro-Sanjaya sign.

(Haley, "Ain't Misbehaving")
P: Oh Haley, I completely forgot about her.
W: Haley and her amazing legs.
P: Oh my god, she is wearing a fucking amazing dress. That color is gorgeous. And it sparkles!
W: It is gorgeous.
P: She is all about the legs and the boobies.
W: This is a good song for her.
P: Tony Bennett does not like Haley.
W: He is not impressed by her boobies.
P: Well, he's an ass man.
W: Ha! Thank you and goodnight.
P: God I love the pattern on that dress too.
W: It's fantastic. I don't know how she sits in that. How do people sit in those tiny skirts?
P: It doesn't matter if Ryan sees, anyway.
W: Yeah, he's like a gynecologist.
P: Her voice sounds actually pretty good.
W: I would have liked it better as a ballad.
P: This is the best her voice has sounded. Or this is the drunkest I've ever been while listening to her.
W: I think she's pulling a Katharine McPhee right now.
P: The sexiness plus being able to sing?
W: Lots of eye contact with the camera, lots of flirty, flirty cuteness.
P: She's got great legs and boobs, Simon. Don't leave out the boobs.
W: I'm sorry, but I'm still transfixed by Randy's shirt.
P: Randy's shirt is….

(commercials)

(LaKisha, "Stormy Weather")

P: Oh, pretty dress!
W: Is it another Igigi dress?
P: If it is, I want it.
W: I've done this for karaoke too!
P: Oh god, I just love her. She's the only one who gives me chills. Her voice is just incredible.
W: I love that she rocks the upper arms.
P: Yay! She's soooooo good.
W: She's got a standing audience.
P: Because she's fucking LaKisha. That's why. LOVE HER.
W: Rock on.
P: She's beautiful. And her dress is beautiful. And she's good. I'm going to be so devastated if she's eliminated.
W: I will be weeping.
P: It will be like the post-Daughtry part of last season.
W: That was a bad time.
P: Oh, I want that dress. If I wear that to my wedding reception, do you think that's okay?
W: You can wear whatever you want.

(Our TiVos cut off)
W: So who do think is going?
P: Jordin. I'm going with Jordin, and Phil as my backup.
W: I think I have to agree. I mean, I kind of feel like Sajaya is Teflon and nothing's going to stick to him. He should go, but given the rule of the universe... then, Jordin or Phil.
P: You can pick someone different.
W: No, I agree. I can't just make someone up! Okay, I think Ryan is going to be voted off. Bye, Ryan.

Weetapidol out.