Sunday, April 29, 2007

Where The Fuck Is Bono, Already?

P: What are you drinking this afternoon?
W: Saracco 2006. It's not the One True Wine, but I think it might be One Truer.
P: No!
W: I will have to do more quality control.
P: I am drinking coffee. Then I will switch to almond champagne.
[approximately five minutes of gossiping later]
P: I have my champagne! Yay! Cheers!

(so it begins)

P: Oh, he's so earnest, that Ryan Seacrest.
W: They raised a lot of money though. Did you see that? It was like 60 million dollars.
P: Wow.
W: It's more than the gross national product of… some country.
P: Well good for them.
W: I bet they could auction off that glass bridge for more money.
P: Another 60 million.
W: I'm not sure how I feel about the skinny tie. Are skinny ties in?
P: He's… no, I won't say that.
W: What?
P: He's trying to remind us of the starving children.
W: Oh, that's bad.
P: BONO is on the show?? I didn't hear that!
W: Ryan said that when he announced it. What is Randy Jackson wearing?
P: A pool float.
W: I was going to say that! He's wearing the solar cover for a pool.
P: I love how they're donating to poor kids both here and away, so they don't alienate anyone.
W: There's Ryan and Simon going on their honeymoon.
P: They're not playing "Had A Bad Day"?
W: "So you had a bad day… everyone's poor…"
P: We're going to hell.
W: Coldplay is a good choice for tragedy. It's very earnest.
P: Well I can't make fun of this.
W: I know!
P: Go, Idol Gives Back.
W: Did they say where they are?
P: Just "Africa"?
W: I don't understand why there's using this song. "I never meant to cause you trouble…"
P: I think it's the first world taking responsibility for problems that we let languish.
W: Well that's refreshing. See, if you made that skinny tie joke now, it wouldn't be as good.
P: Now I'm feeling too guilty to mock the skinny tie.
W: Do you feel too guilty to mock Chris Richardson?
P: No.
W: I never will.

(Chris Richardson, "Change The World")
W: You know, the boy is just not that cute.
P: I don't understand why he's still on the show.
W: No.
P: He's not doing bad, but this song is so milquetoast.
W: Because Eric Clapton does not have much of a voice.
P: I actually love this song. (sings)
W: You sing it well.
P: He doesn't seem very egotistical. That's one good thing about Chris.
W: I think we should talk about what happens, since we both know, right? That nobody goes home?
P: Yeah.
W: Someone e-mailed and said "I think the reason was that Melinda got the lowest number of votes."
P: I think that's possible, but if you read the Grassy Knoll thread, you start to think everything's possible. They think Jordin's being set up to win.
W: I wouldn't be surprised. She's got the redemption arc. The person pointed out the Dial Idol results—Melinda was second from the bottom.
P: I'm not paying attention to the judges—do they like it?
W: I guess they did.
P: I think LaKisha and Chris had the lowest number, though. And I don't think enough votes are going to be cast to make up the deficit.


W: I am paused on a girl in a blue polka dot thing.
P: That's Ivanka Trump!
W: Okay then. It's Ivanka Trump in a blue polka dot thing.
P: Thanks to MySpace? For spreading the word—as if American Idol needs the help.
W: That's weird. Oh, Louisiana. Right?
P: They're spreading the money throughout "the states." And… this is sad again.
W: It is.
P: I hope they do this every year.
W: Yeah, it's great.
P: Needles! Needles! Needles!
W: It's fine. It's done.
P: Well that was lovely, and once again I have nothing bad to say.
W: I know what I'm doing with this month's charity budget.
P: If we ever make more than a dollar in ad money, I will send it to Idol Gives Back.
W: Click on those ads, viewers!

(Melinda, "There's Will Come A Day")
P: Necklaces! That's the key for Melinda.
W: That actually works really well. There seem to be forty necklaces on there. Look, there's two at least.
P: "Fuckers, I have a neck. I will put many necklaces on it in fact."
W: She does have a very very good. I can see where people like her more than LaKisha.
P: Me too, but she's still kind of boring to me.
W: I think she's boring too.
P: She looks really pretty tonight, though.
W: And she's not doing the surprise. "What? Me?"
P: I wouldn't be sad if she won. She seems very sweet. Actually, everyone who's left is pretty good. Except Douchebag Boogie.
W: Phil Stacey?
P: Okay, every girl who's left is pretty good.


(Blake, "Imagine")
P: Why do they only interview some of them? I don't understand.
W: I think it's a subtle manipulation.
P: I think Blake is singing this with an erection right now.
W: I think so too.
P: "Oh god, I am so deep right now. I am so soulful. I am so real."
W: I hate that they keep pairing white athletic shoes with dark pants. And I can't stand Blake so much that I can't even be funny about it. At least he stopped wearing that damned visor.
P: I think that's the actual Mike Boogie.
W: Was that my imagination?
P: A little bit.
W: They shouldn't backlight him, because it shines right through his ears, and they glow red.
P: Because he's evil. Oh my god, Blake is so in love with himself.
W: It's always the look on his face that bugs me.
P: Blake is emotional about himself, not the song.
W: Peh. That is spelled P-E-H by the way.
P: As Ian would say, "Puh-fuff."
W: "Puh-fuff"?
P: "Puh-fuff." Simon's wrong. Blake wasn't sincere.
W: Blake sincere about how much you should love him. And Ryan is feeling up his bicep.
P: Yeah he is.

P: "Here are some bananas."
W: "Please don't hate me. Here, all eight of you, have this one bowl of food."
P: Fifty cents a day? I want to send them fifty cents a day.
W: So send them fifty cents a day.
P: Maybe there will be some information on where I can do just that. Because that's very sweet and touching.
W: It was.
P: Ryan is good at changing gears form complete pathos to fluff.

(LaKisha, "I Believe")
W: I am really liking her hair.
P: This is that terrible finale song. The stupid shit they made Carrie Underwood or whoever sing. Why, LaKisha?
W: I've heard sometimes they have trouble getting licensing. This may have been a last-minute substitution.
P: I love the bodice of her dress. This song is terrible though.
W: I love her hair.
P: And I know the words to this song. That's what pisses me off.
W: Is this the one that what's-her-name wrote? Tamyra?
P: I think so. Unless she wrote "Inside Your Heaven." That other terrible song.
W: I have to say, I wasn't feeling that one. She's got a great voice, but the song choice was horrible.
P: She sounded great, but… that song is so ass. Oh, it was Fantasia's song.
W: Aaah.
P: Yeah, Fantasia is awesome. And Fantasia is unique. I completely agree with Paula.
W: Telling the audience to shut up kind of makes me love Simon.
P: What would this show be without Simon?
W: I am starting to appreciate what Ryan has to deal with all the time.
P: I know. He doesn't actually have an easy job.
W: Who would have thought I'd be giving props to Ryan fucking Seacrest?

W: I'm paused on the segment we call "Ryan Raps."
P: Okay, I've got Ryan Raps.
W: Phil Stacey is in a suit that makes him look like an undertaker.
P: He has a baby named Mikalah?
W: A lot of people do, these days.
P: Phil looks very self-satisfied.

(Phil, "The Change")
W: "The Change" or "The Chain"?
P: Wait, it's "The Chain"?
W: I don't know. I am unfamiliar with country music, as it is ass.
P: Maybe he'll say one of those words in the song.
W: I think his voice is much better than Chris Richardson's. He's just creepier.
P: He's just got that weird head.
W: He said "change"!
P: I don't like this song, I have decided.
W: I think you're right. I don't see the allure of country at all.
P: How can you not love "The River" by Garth Brooks?
W: I only like that "Friends In Low Places" song.
P: Phil is like, "If you don't change, I will eat your heart."
W: "I will wear your face like a mask."
P: "You've found your comfort"?
W: What?
P: Simon's telling him to be twangier. The theory is they're setting him up for the finale—because Jordin can beat him.
W: That's a good theory.
P: Phil is acting like he isn't even worried about being voted off.
W: Does he know something?

P: I'm getting all teary listening to Simon talking about the starving children. Or maybe it's Chris Martin.
W: No, that was Bright Eyes. Or Keane.

(Jordin, "You'll Never Walk Alone")
W: She's got some eyebrow issues. I'd like to go after her with the tweezers.
P: She keeps going in and out of registers not that smoothly.
W: Yeah, it's strange.
P: She's really "feelin' it, though."
W: Maybe. I like her dress.
P: I'm not crazy about it, actually. It's the Jordin's earrings of this performance.
W: Well now we're a little skeptical, because we don't like being force fed our idols. We prefer to pick our idols.
P: I still pick LaKisha.
W: I would too. She would have rocked this song.
P: There's still nobody I like as much as Chris Daughtry. DAUGHTRY!
W: Not even Ace? What if Ace were naked?
P: Did Randy just say it's the best performance ever on this show?
W: Yes, the best in six seasons.
P: No.
W: What would you say was the best performance ever?
P: "Walk the Line"... "Summertime"… "Stuff Like That There"…"Alone"… "Take Me To The Pilot"?
W: Wait, George Huff?
P: Okay maybe not the best, but I liked it. Oh my god, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"! By Clay Aiken?
W: I didn't see that season at all.
P: You Tube, my friend.
W: I don't think so. I don't ever want to go to You Tube and look up Clay Aiken. That is the road to disaster right there.


W: I'm paused on all of them dressed in white, and I think they may have died. I think this is Idol Heaven.
P: I think they're forming a gospel choir.
W: That would be awesome. Look at the height difference between Jordin and Blake.
P: I missed it. Is he a tiny little man?
W: Yeah.
P: No big surprise there. So this is the one where all the people come on and sing things?
W: Yes. That's why it's two hours long.
P: Can we still donate?
W: I'm sure they're not going to say "sorry, TiVo users, we don't want your money.
P: Good point.
W: Wow, Paula came out without a shirt on. She's just wearing some kind of lingerie. And Simon likes it.

(Ellen DeGeneres and Earth Wind and Fire)
P: I love Ellen. There's a lot of applause going on in this segment.
W: It's hard to recap it.
P: Well, we don't really have to.
W: Kelly Clarkson!
P: Kelly! And Ellen sings "Shoop" in one of her videos. It's hilarious. Wait, who's singing now?
W: Earth, Wind and Fire?
P: That means nothing to me. It's a bunch of elements.
W: It's the 70s, before you were born, probably.
P: What happened to Air? That's what I want to know?
W: It's blowing out Fire.
P: Oh, I guess that's Wind. In that case, what happened to Water?
W: These are questions I don't have answers to. It was the 70s. It was a very confusing time.
P: So were they a bongo drum band?
W: No…
P: I like the shiny shirt on that guy.
W: I enjoy the blazer on that other guy. A lot of metal stuff going on. This is actually one of my favorite songs.
P: Well then rock on.
W: This is a bad version, but the original's great.
P: Oh, I know this song!
W: It makes me want Diet Coke and Malibu, because it totally reminds me of the Bad Bar.
P: Is this the same song?
W: No, they're doing a medley.
P: This one is something September?
W: I don't know. If Ian were here, he'd tell us.
P: Damn you, Ian. Puh-fuff.


P: Wow, Randy on the stage? That's kind of freaky looking.
W: Was that Sanjaya?
P: Wait, who is this?
W: Quincy Jones. Rashida Jones's father.
P: Wait, what happened to Bono?
W: He's coming.
P: I thought he was supposed to be giving the Idols advice.
W: Maybe we'll see that.
P: Medley!
W: How did Chris get a hoodie?
P: Or Phil and the horrible beret.
W: So bad. I hope he doesn't bring berets back.
P: Jordin did the Ace thing! Where she sang "tears" and pointed to her face!
W: She's going to sing about her heart later. And then her liver.
P: This sounds like a song from Lion King.
W: It does. It's unseen footage of the Lion King Wednesday night potluck, out on the Serengeti.

(Ben Stiller being funny)
(sad Africa montage)

P: Ryan's like, "it's okay, small boy. You can come live in my mansion."
W: Ryan is so sweet. I suddenly love Ryan a lot.
P: Seeing Simon onstage is weird too.
W: Simon doesn't know how to deal with it. He keeps looking at Ryan.
P: I love how Ryan's simultaneously super sincere and super fake. And did Ben Stiller just say he was in love with Blake Lewis?
W: No, I think he mocked him. And she looks like a hot mess.
P: Is that Teri Hatcher?
W: Yeah!
P: Oh… god.
W: There's been a lot of surgery happening there.
P: And some kind of Pat Benatar intervention.


P: See, Melinda looks terrified, because she knows she'd be the only shocker. And she's safe.
W: Wow, that was quick.
P: Now I don't know who's afraid.
W: Phil's suddenly like, "Huh."

P: Look, the tiny children love Paula.
W: These kids weren't even born when she was dancing with the cartoon cat. They only know her through AI.
P: Are you saying we have a deeper knowledge of Paula because we've seen her dancing with the cartoon cat?
W: That's what I am saying.
P: Hee.
W: We know all of her facets.
P: What's with the crying little children? What are they trying to do to us!? I will give you my money!
W: I worked at a homeless shelter for four years, and I'm still getting upset!

(Il Divo)
P: Who?
W: Who?
P: Seriously… Who?
W: An Italian guy?
P: What the hell?
W: That kid looks like Chris Klein's ugly cousin.
P: That other guy looks like a Baldwin brother.
W: They sing like they're fresh off the Les Miserables tour or something.
P: That guy was Marius. And here's Javert….
W: And the older guy would be Valjean.
(We begin talking about How I Met Your Mother and then become distracted when it says "A CHILD DIES.")
P: And people are waving glow sticks?
W: I don't get it.
P: Go, cast of Les Miserables! One More Day! One Day More!
W: Now bring out Eponine.


W: I'm on Hugh Laurie talking British. Hot.
P: So hot.
W: God, I hope it's crying girl.
P: Was that Jack Black? It can't have been Jack Black.
W: I don't think so. Wait, it was. You're good!
P: I am good.
W: You're the celebrity spotter.
P: It's because I'm from L.A. They're like squirrels over there.
W: Hee.
P: Oh, I love Jack Black.
W: What he just did is an actually a vocal warmup technique.
P: Who is that guy with the rose?
W: That's the other half of Tenacious D. And this is so not scripted.
P: No, not at all. Is Paula going to say "magic fluffy pony"?
W: "You're an old soul."
P: Oh, Sanjaya has such a good sense of humor. He's cracking up at their mockery of him. And Seal's right there! That's funny.
W: Where's Heidi Klum?
P: There is some blonde leggy lady next to Seal, but they're cutting her off. I enjoy Jack Black very much.
W: Me too.
P: I didn't even hate Holiday.

P: Blake is safe. Which means we are in danger.
W: Who are they going to make sweat this out?
P: Get your mind in the conspiracy mold, and think about it.
W: Oooooh. Sorry, I couldn't see through my tinfoil hat.
P: Oh god, Carrie Underwood is going to sing, and we will watch sad African children.
W: It's just a video. This is that Pretenders song.
P: I heard she's a real bitch.
W: Really?
P: I've heard she thinks she's hot shit. From multiple sources.
W: Primary sources?
P: No, from the internet. So who knows?
W: They all have Carrie Underwood dolls with yellow hair.
P: See? She's a bitch.
W: She made the little children cry.
P: This is SO SAD.
W: She's supposed to be in Africa right now? Is she dating her violinist?
P: I didn't see any interplay there, but maybe I wasn't paying attention. I hope she's not a bitch.
W: I hope she wasn't a bitch to the little poor children.


P: Wow, I drank that whole bottle of champagne.
W: Wow.
P: Rascall Flats. More country.
W: Ugh.
P: So Kelly Clarkson won't be actually on the Idol stage?
W: I bet she has a video. It's interesting that they have two auditoriums going for this. But I thought Bono and everything. Why do they have all these "Band who?"
P: My vote is to fast forward.
W: Yay. I cosign that. Thank you.
(we fast forward)
P: Oh, Mr. MySpace is like 10 years old.
W: He's Tom! When you join, he automatically becomes your friend, so you have a friend.
P: Oh, coal mining is…
W: Yeah. Unreal. Everything I know about the Appalachians I learned from V.C. Andrews' Heaven.
P: Oh, say no more. I enjoyed Web of Dreams very much.
W: I didn't read that one.
P: It's very good.
W: It's ghostwritten right?
P: It's the first entirely ghostwritten one, but it's still really good. It's about Heaven's mom. It's awesome.
W: I enjoy the big gothic incest-ridden big house rich people beautiful brothers… genre.
P: You have to see the Jesco White movie. That's how I know about Appalachia. And hello, Paula Abdul's boobs.
W: I know. Those have to be fake, I'm sorry.
P: I'm gonna vote not fake.
W: Really, why is that?
P: It just looks like the shirt is doing all the work.

P: I'm paused on the Ford commercial. And they're singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
(Both sing)
P: This is my favorite performance on the show. Fantasia doing this. And I love how Phil pops up out of the backseat like Nosferatu.
W: Rob Lowe? Goldie Hall?
P: Gwyneth?
W: Yay, House! There's Sarah Jessica.
W: She looks confused as to what she's doing there.
P: She is never confused. She is fabulous.
W: Chris Kattan is taking a break from mimicking Constantine. I don't know who half these people are.
P: That was Emily Blunt…
W: Oh, okay. Teri Hatcher still looks like a hot mess. Kevin Bacon. Natalie Portman?
P: That's Natalie Portman.
W: I always confuse those two. I don't know who Kirstie Alley was dancing with. With a priest? That's very strange.
P: Hugh Grant just did his "Love, Actually" dance.
W: Yes, that is my favorite.
P: I can't help loving Gwyneth Paltrow even though I should hate her.
W: Why should you hate her?
P: Because she's all macrobiotic and fake British.

W: Oh no, it's tough to watch, says Ryan. Are you ready to cry?
P: I don't want to cry.
W: They're playing Snow Patrol. You won't be able to help it.
P: Oh my god. There is going to be a DEAD CHILD.
W: That's when Simon walked out and was just overwrought. That was that part.
P: I hope this made people donate. It's going to make me donate!
W: Oh my god.
P: Oh. So sad. And Ellen is going to make me cry with her $100,000.
W: Aawww.
P: Oh god, Josh Groban! That's like cheating!

(Lance and Ian come back from the dog park and do a Josh Groban impression.)
P: There are dying African children and you are mocking Josh Groban!
W: Tell them to fuck off, there are dying children.
P (to Weet): Lance and Ian are saying the children would rather die than listen to Josh Groban. They don't get it.
W: The musicians have mullets.
P: Oh my god, the tiny little African children. And Ian is doing some kind of crazy African dance.
Ian: Don't question my crazy African dancing.
Lance: Look, it's crazy dwarves.
P: Those are African children, Lance.
Lance: African pygmies?
P: Weet, help me.
W: I'm too upset. Tell them they're poop heads.
P: I'll just rewind and make them watch the dying people.
W: That will be their punishment. Seriously, look at Josh Groban's nostrils. They're enormous.
P: Well you and I and our readers understand. (to Ian) PUH-FUFF.
W: Tell them to go back to the dog park.


W: Tell Ian that he won't get any frozen custard in Milwaukee if he keeps making fun.
P: No frozen custard!
W: And we will listen to Josh Groban the whole time, and I only have one song on my iPod, which we will listen to over and over.
P: He is now quiet. He is behaving himself. KEL-LY CLARK-SON.
W: I've heard she's wearing something atrocious.
P: Oh that is atrocious. It's a muumuu.
Ian: She's dressed like a Formica tabletop.
W: It's like one of those Magic Eyes where you have to cross your eyes to see what the picture is.
P: Lance thinks it's a vagina, and Ian thinks it's a starving African.
W: I like her hair that length.
P: I wish she was wearing a different dress.
Lance: I wish she was naked, bending over.
P: Oh, you don't even like vaginas. Oh Kelly, you're so good. Listen to those notes. I love Kelly. Does she have a new album coming out?
W: I think so.


P: The Simpsons are funny. Dunkelman! Yay!
W: Dunkelman shoutout! Where IS Bono? Is Bono coming yet?
P: I don't think Bono exists on this show.
W: Ryan's a cock tease, with the Bono.
P: Oh, LaKisha's shirt is gaping!
W: She needs some tape.
P: She thinks she's going home.
W: Yeah you can tell.
P: And she's safe. We know she's safe. We know they're all safe! And we know about the poverty now, too.

P: Oh god, here it is. Elvis.
W: Here it is. Oh dear. I like the retro logo. Esteban's aunt was talking about this and freaking out.
P: Again, I have a soft spot for Celine Dion.
W: I am going to see her this summer in Las Vegas.
P: I want to see her.
W: It's four hundred dollars.
P: Oh.
W: That's not really Elvis! The real Elvis doesn't have a wireless mike.
P: I'm actually amazed by the fake Elvis technology.
W: They had an Elvis lookalike singing on stage and they had it digitally superimposed for the close shots.
P: That makes sense. That's less creepy for some reason.
W: It's still pretty creepy though.
P: Elvis would be rolling over in his grave.
W: Naah. He'd probably be like, "I'd do her."
P: "TV history"? It's FAKE ELVIS! And now Madonna. First Gwyneth and now Madonna.
W: "I am going to buy all of these children."
P: They really did get every famous person on earth to do this.
W: Except us.


W: I'm trying to figure out how to list Idol Cares on my taxes. I may have to donate to Second Harvest directly.
P: Anne Lennox is kind of fabulous. This is a good song. This is no Clay Aiken performance…
W: …No?
P: I know you don't want to look it up but it was SO GOOD.
W: Okay, I will look it up.
P: Aw. You're a good friend. But I wonder—where's Clay Aiken?
W: He's blowing Reichen.
P: I really want gay marriage just so there can be a Reichen Aiken.
W: That should be urban slang for something. "The good old Reichen Aiken."
P: I have to say Clay's performance was better. Even though I like Annie Lennox.
W: I like her better with her blaze orange hair from the Eurythmics era.
P: If they're putting Annie Lennox on after dead Elvis, then Bono could still be coming up….


P: Okay, Rob Schneider is not Bono.
W: He looks like he got let into the wrong party.
P: Here is where they don't eliminate Chris or Jordin. But try to get Jordin extra votes.
W: Oh, this is the terrified…. Jordin was laughing. Did you see the look on her face? And Chris is trying not to laugh.
P: Maybe they both knew. Maybe they were just scaring America.
W: They had to have let them in on it. I think it's cruel to not let them in.
P: Um.. there was no Bono. Can I point out? Wait, now is Bono? There's Bono! Yay!
W: Yay! He's like stalking them from the corner.
P: What was his real original name? Like Bob Bononovich?
W: Paul something, I think. But he took Bono Vox as his stage name. And then dropped the Vox.
P: He's kind of getting old. Don't get old, Bono! And now they're all going to sing. And Jordin just hit a really off note.
W: That was awful. And my TiVo stopped on me.
P: I will report: Melinda sounds great, and it's obvious she would kick Jordin's ass in the finale. Phil is negligible. And now my DVR stopped. Okay, any final words?
W: Who do we think is going home next week? Like you said, this week's votes are going to have so much impact on last week's totals…
P: Chris and LaKisha.
W: Maybe, but what if it's Melinda and LaKisha, opening the way for Jordin in your demographic theory?
P: I think that's a possibility too. It would be like Jennifer Hudson squared. Or Chris Daughtry squared.
W: And this is that time, right? Sixth?
P: Yeah, like sixth, fifth, fourth…
W: We're poised for the shocker.
P: Okay, I'm poised. Weetapidol out.


Blogger Kim said...

First--The King of Rock & Roll does not need a prop.

I totally downloaded it anyway.

Second--Elvis would probably not be interested in Celine. He had issues with women who were mothers. Ask Priscilla.

I got teary with the Africa footage and nearly lost it when Ryan and Simon did, I have a thing about men crying. I immediately donated.

I completely lost my shit when they filmed the mother rushing her baby to the clinic. Her face as she looked at her child on the way and then they didn't make it. Fucking MALARIA!

10:36 AM  
Blogger Martha said...

That's exactly what I was thinking (Where the fuck is Bono, already?)... I wanted more of him. I love him. He is my hero.

7:43 PM  

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