Where The Fuck Is Bono, Already?

P: What are you drinking this afternoon?
W: Saracco 2006. It's not the One True Wine, but I think it might be One Truer.
P: No!
W: I will have to do more quality control.
P: I am drinking coffee. Then I will switch to almond champagne.
[approximately five minutes of gossiping later]
P: I have my champagne! Yay! Cheers!

(so it begins)

P: Oh, he's so earnest, that Ryan Seacrest.
W: They raised a lot of money though. Did you see that? It was like 60 million dollars.
P: Wow.
W: It's more than the gross national product of… some country.
P: Well good for them.
W: I bet they could auction off that glass bridge for more money.
P: Another 60 million.
W: I'm not sure how I feel about the skinny tie. Are skinny ties in?
P: He's… no, I won't say that.
W: What?
P: He's trying to remind us of the starving children.
W: Oh, that's bad.
P: BONO is on the show?? I didn't hear that!
W: Ryan said that when he announced it. What is Randy Jackson wearing?
P: A pool float.
W: I was going to say that! He's wearing the solar cover for a pool.
P: I love how they're donating to poor kids both here and away, so they don't alienate anyone.
W: There's Ryan and Simon going on their honeymoon.
P: They're not playing "Had A Bad Day"?
W: "So you had a bad day… everyone's poor…"
P: We're going to hell.
W: Coldplay is a good choice for tragedy. It's very earnest.
P: Well I can't make fun of this.
W: I know!
P: Go, Idol Gives Back.
W: Did they say where they are?
P: Just "Africa"?
W: I don't understand why there's using this song. "I never meant to cause you trouble…"
P: I think it's the first world taking responsibility for problems that we let languish.
W: Well that's refreshing. See, if you made that skinny tie joke now, it wouldn't be as good.
P: Now I'm feeling too guilty to mock the skinny tie.
W: Do you feel too guilty to mock Chris Richardson?
P: No.
W: I never will.

(Chris Richardson, "Change The World")
W: You know, the boy is just not that cute.
P: I don't understand why he's still on the show.
W: No.
P: He's not doing bad, but this song is so milquetoast.
W: Because Eric Clapton does not have much of a voice.
P: I actually love this song. (sings)
W: You sing it well.
P: He doesn't seem very egotistical. That's one good thing about Chris.
W: I think we should talk about what happens, since we both know, right? That nobody goes home?
P: Yeah.
W: Someone e-mailed and said "I think the reason was that Melinda got the lowest number of votes."
P: I think that's possible, but if you read the Grassy Knoll thread, you start to think everything's possible. They think Jordin's being set up to win.
W: I wouldn't be surprised. She's got the redemption arc. The person pointed out the Dial Idol results—Melinda was second from the bottom.
P: I'm not paying attention to the judges—do they like it?
W: I guess they did.
P: I think LaKisha and Chris had the lowest number, though. And I don't think enough votes are going to be cast to make up the deficit.

(commercials)

W: I am paused on a girl in a blue polka dot thing.
P: That's Ivanka Trump!
W: Okay then. It's Ivanka Trump in a blue polka dot thing.
P: Thanks to MySpace? For spreading the word—as if American Idol needs the help.
W: That's weird. Oh, Louisiana. Right?
P: They're spreading the money throughout "the states." And… this is sad again.
W: It is.
P: I hope they do this every year.
W: Yeah, it's great.
P: Needles! Needles! Needles!
W: It's fine. It's done.
P: Well that was lovely, and once again I have nothing bad to say.
W: I know what I'm doing with this month's charity budget.
P: If we ever make more than a dollar in ad money, I will send it to Idol Gives Back.
W: Click on those ads, viewers!

(Melinda, "There's Will Come A Day")
P: Necklaces! That's the key for Melinda.
W: That actually works really well. There seem to be forty necklaces on there. Look, there's two at least.
P: "Fuckers, I have a neck. I will put many necklaces on it in fact."
W: She does have a very very good. I can see where people like her more than LaKisha.
P: Me too, but she's still kind of boring to me.
W: I think she's boring too.
P: She looks really pretty tonight, though.
W: And she's not doing the surprise. "What? Me?"
P: I wouldn't be sad if she won. She seems very sweet. Actually, everyone who's left is pretty good. Except Douchebag Boogie.
W: Phil Stacey?
P: Okay, every girl who's left is pretty good.

(commercials)

(Blake, "Imagine")
P: Why do they only interview some of them? I don't understand.
W: I think it's a subtle manipulation.
P: I think Blake is singing this with an erection right now.
W: I think so too.
P: "Oh god, I am so deep right now. I am so soulful. I am so real."
W: I hate that they keep pairing white athletic shoes with dark pants. And I can't stand Blake so much that I can't even be funny about it. At least he stopped wearing that damned visor.
P: I think that's the actual Mike Boogie.
W: Was that my imagination?
P: A little bit.
W: They shouldn't backlight him, because it shines right through his ears, and they glow red.
P: Because he's evil. Oh my god, Blake is so in love with himself.
W: It's always the look on his face that bugs me.
P: Blake is emotional about himself, not the song.
W: Peh. That is spelled P-E-H by the way.
P: As Ian would say, "Puh-fuff."
W: "Puh-fuff"?
P: "Puh-fuff." Simon's wrong. Blake wasn't sincere.
W: Blake sincere about how much you should love him. And Ryan is feeling up his bicep.
P: Yeah he is.

(commercials)
P: "Here are some bananas."
W: "Please don't hate me. Here, all eight of you, have this one bowl of food."
P: Fifty cents a day? I want to send them fifty cents a day.
W: So send them fifty cents a day.
P: Maybe there will be some information on where I can do just that. Because that's very sweet and touching.
W: It was.
P: Ryan is good at changing gears form complete pathos to fluff.

(LaKisha, "I Believe")
W: I am really liking her hair.
P: This is that terrible finale song. The stupid shit they made Carrie Underwood or whoever sing. Why, LaKisha?
W: I've heard sometimes they have trouble getting licensing. This may have been a last-minute substitution.
P: I love the bodice of her dress. This song is terrible though.
W: I love her hair.
P: And I know the words to this song. That's what pisses me off.
W: Is this the one that what's-her-name wrote? Tamyra?
P: I think so. Unless she wrote "Inside Your Heaven." That other terrible song.
W: I have to say, I wasn't feeling that one. She's got a great voice, but the song choice was horrible.
P: She sounded great, but… that song is so ass. Oh, it was Fantasia's song.
W: Aaah.
P: Yeah, Fantasia is awesome. And Fantasia is unique. I completely agree with Paula.
W: Telling the audience to shut up kind of makes me love Simon.
P: What would this show be without Simon?
W: I am starting to appreciate what Ryan has to deal with all the time.
P: I know. He doesn't actually have an easy job.
W: Who would have thought I'd be giving props to Ryan fucking Seacrest?

(commercials)
W: I'm paused on the segment we call "Ryan Raps."
P: Okay, I've got Ryan Raps.
W: Phil Stacey is in a suit that makes him look like an undertaker.
P: He has a baby named Mikalah?
W: A lot of people do, these days.
P: Phil looks very self-satisfied.

(Phil, "The Change")
W: "The Change" or "The Chain"?
P: Wait, it's "The Chain"?
W: I don't know. I am unfamiliar with country music, as it is ass.
P: Maybe he'll say one of those words in the song.
W: I think his voice is much better than Chris Richardson's. He's just creepier.
P: He's just got that weird head.
W: He said "change"!
P: I don't like this song, I have decided.
W: I think you're right. I don't see the allure of country at all.
P: How can you not love "The River" by Garth Brooks?
W: I only like that "Friends In Low Places" song.
P: Phil is like, "If you don't change, I will eat your heart."
W: "I will wear your face like a mask."
P: "You've found your comfort"?
W: What?
P: Simon's telling him to be twangier. The theory is they're setting him up for the finale—because Jordin can beat him.
W: That's a good theory.
P: Phil is acting like he isn't even worried about being voted off.
W: Does he know something?

(commercials)
P: I'm getting all teary listening to Simon talking about the starving children. Or maybe it's Chris Martin.
W: No, that was Bright Eyes. Or Keane.

(Jordin, "You'll Never Walk Alone")
W: She's got some eyebrow issues. I'd like to go after her with the tweezers.
P: She keeps going in and out of registers not that smoothly.
W: Yeah, it's strange.
P: She's really "feelin' it, though."
W: Maybe. I like her dress.
P: I'm not crazy about it, actually. It's the Jordin's earrings of this performance.
W: Well now we're a little skeptical, because we don't like being force fed our idols. We prefer to pick our idols.
P: I still pick LaKisha.
W: I would too. She would have rocked this song.
P: There's still nobody I like as much as Chris Daughtry. DAUGHTRY!
W: Not even Ace? What if Ace were naked?
P: Did Randy just say it's the best performance ever on this show?
W: Yes, the best in six seasons.
P: No.
W: What would you say was the best performance ever?
P: "Walk the Line"... "Summertime"… "Stuff Like That There"…"Alone"… "Take Me To The Pilot"?
W: Wait, George Huff?
P: Okay maybe not the best, but I liked it. Oh my god, "Bridge Over Troubled Waters"! By Clay Aiken?
W: I didn't see that season at all.
P: You Tube, my friend.
W: I don't think so. I don't ever want to go to You Tube and look up Clay Aiken. That is the road to disaster right there.

(PART TWO)

W: I'm paused on all of them dressed in white, and I think they may have died. I think this is Idol Heaven.
P: I think they're forming a gospel choir.
W: That would be awesome. Look at the height difference between Jordin and Blake.
P: I missed it. Is he a tiny little man?
W: Yeah.
P: No big surprise there. So this is the one where all the people come on and sing things?
W: Yes. That's why it's two hours long.
P: Can we still donate?
W: Americanidol.com. I'm sure they're not going to say "sorry, TiVo users, we don't want your money.
P: Good point.
W: Wow, Paula came out without a shirt on. She's just wearing some kind of lingerie. And Simon likes it.

(Ellen DeGeneres and Earth Wind and Fire)
P: I love Ellen. There's a lot of applause going on in this segment.
W: It's hard to recap it.
P: Well, we don't really have to.
W: Kelly Clarkson!
P: Kelly! And Ellen sings "Shoop" in one of her videos. It's hilarious. Wait, who's singing now?
W: Earth, Wind and Fire?
P: That means nothing to me. It's a bunch of elements.
W: It's the 70s, before you were born, probably.
P: What happened to Air? That's what I want to know?
W: It's blowing out Fire.
P: Oh, I guess that's Wind. In that case, what happened to Water?
W: These are questions I don't have answers to. It was the 70s. It was a very confusing time.
P: So were they a bongo drum band?
W: No…
P: I like the shiny shirt on that guy.
W: I enjoy the blazer on that other guy. A lot of metal stuff going on. This is actually one of my favorite songs.
P: Well then rock on.
W: This is a bad version, but the original's great.
P: Oh, I know this song!
W: It makes me want Diet Coke and Malibu, because it totally reminds me of the Bad Bar.
P: Is this the same song?
W: No, they're doing a medley.
P: This one is something September?
W: I don't know. If Ian were here, he'd tell us.
P: Damn you, Ian. Puh-fuff.

(commercials)

P: Wow, Randy on the stage? That's kind of freaky looking.
W: Was that Sanjaya?
P: Wait, who is this?
W: Quincy Jones. Rashida Jones's father.
P: Wait, what happened to Bono?
W: He's coming.
P: I thought he was supposed to be giving the Idols advice.
W: Maybe we'll see that.
P: Medley!
W: How did Chris get a hoodie?
P: Or Phil and the horrible beret.
W: So bad. I hope he doesn't bring berets back.
P: Jordin did the Ace thing! Where she sang "tears" and pointed to her face!
W: She's going to sing about her heart later. And then her liver.
P: This sounds like a song from Lion King.
W: It does. It's unseen footage of the Lion King Wednesday night potluck, out on the Serengeti.

(commercials)
(Ben Stiller being funny)
(sad Africa montage)

P: Ryan's like, "it's okay, small boy. You can come live in my mansion."
W: Ryan is so sweet. I suddenly love Ryan a lot.
P: Seeing Simon onstage is weird too.
W: Simon doesn't know how to deal with it. He keeps looking at Ryan.
P: I love how Ryan's simultaneously super sincere and super fake. And did Ben Stiller just say he was in love with Blake Lewis?
W: No, I think he mocked him. And she looks like a hot mess.
P: Is that Teri Hatcher?
W: Yeah!
P: Oh… god.
W: There's been a lot of surgery happening there.
P: And some kind of Pat Benatar intervention.

(commercials)

P: See, Melinda looks terrified, because she knows she'd be the only shocker. And she's safe.
W: Wow, that was quick.
P: Now I don't know who's afraid.
W: Phil's suddenly like, "Huh."

P: Look, the tiny children love Paula.
W: These kids weren't even born when she was dancing with the cartoon cat. They only know her through AI.
P: Are you saying we have a deeper knowledge of Paula because we've seen her dancing with the cartoon cat?
W: That's what I am saying.
P: Hee.
W: We know all of her facets.
P: What's with the crying little children? What are they trying to do to us!? I will give you my money!
W: I worked at a homeless shelter for four years, and I'm still getting upset!

(Il Divo)
P: Who?
W: Who?
P: Seriously… Who?
W: An Italian guy?
P: What the hell?
W: That kid looks like Chris Klein's ugly cousin.
P: That other guy looks like a Baldwin brother.
W: They sing like they're fresh off the Les Miserables tour or something.
P: That guy was Marius. And here's Javert….
W: And the older guy would be Valjean.
(We begin talking about How I Met Your Mother and then become distracted when it says "A CHILD DIES.")
P: And people are waving glow sticks?
W: I don't get it.
P: Go, cast of Les Miserables! One More Day! One Day More!
W: Now bring out Eponine.

(commercials)

W: I'm on Hugh Laurie talking British. Hot.
P: So hot.
W: God, I hope it's crying girl.
P: Was that Jack Black? It can't have been Jack Black.
W: I don't think so. Wait, it was. You're good!
P: I am good.
W: You're the celebrity spotter.
P: It's because I'm from L.A. They're like squirrels over there.
W: Hee.
P: Oh, I love Jack Black.
W: What he just did is an actually a vocal warmup technique.
P: Who is that guy with the rose?
W: That's the other half of Tenacious D. And this is so not scripted.
P: No, not at all. Is Paula going to say "magic fluffy pony"?
W: "You're an old soul."
P: Oh, Sanjaya has such a good sense of humor. He's cracking up at their mockery of him. And Seal's right there! That's funny.
W: Where's Heidi Klum?
P: There is some blonde leggy lady next to Seal, but they're cutting her off. I enjoy Jack Black very much.
W: Me too.
P: I didn't even hate Holiday.

P: Blake is safe. Which means we are in danger.
W: Who are they going to make sweat this out?
P: Get your mind in the conspiracy mold, and think about it.
W: Oooooh. Sorry, I couldn't see through my tinfoil hat.
P: Oh god, Carrie Underwood is going to sing, and we will watch sad African children.
W: It's just a video. This is that Pretenders song.
P: I heard she's a real bitch.
W: Really?
P: I've heard she thinks she's hot shit. From multiple sources.
W: Primary sources?
P: No, from the internet. So who knows?
W: They all have Carrie Underwood dolls with yellow hair.
P: See? She's a bitch.
W: She made the little children cry.
P: This is SO SAD.
W: She's supposed to be in Africa right now? Is she dating her violinist?
P: I didn't see any interplay there, but maybe I wasn't paying attention. I hope she's not a bitch.
W: I hope she wasn't a bitch to the little poor children.

(commercials)

P: Wow, I drank that whole bottle of champagne.
W: Wow.
P: Rascall Flats. More country.
W: Ugh.
P: So Kelly Clarkson won't be actually on the Idol stage?
W: I bet she has a video. It's interesting that they have two auditoriums going for this. But I thought Bono and everything. Why do they have all these "Band who?"
P: My vote is to fast forward.
W: Yay. I cosign that. Thank you.
(we fast forward)
P: Oh, Mr. MySpace is like 10 years old.
W: He's Tom! When you join, he automatically becomes your friend, so you have a friend.
P: Oh, coal mining is…
W: Yeah. Unreal. Everything I know about the Appalachians I learned from V.C. Andrews' Heaven.
P: Oh, say no more. I enjoyed Web of Dreams very much.
W: I didn't read that one.
P: It's very good.
W: It's ghostwritten right?
P: It's the first entirely ghostwritten one, but it's still really good. It's about Heaven's mom. It's awesome.
W: I enjoy the big gothic incest-ridden big house rich people beautiful brothers… genre.
P: You have to see the Jesco White movie. That's how I know about Appalachia. And hello, Paula Abdul's boobs.
W: I know. Those have to be fake, I'm sorry.
P: I'm gonna vote not fake.
W: Really, why is that?
P: It just looks like the shirt is doing all the work.

(commercials)
P: I'm paused on the Ford commercial. And they're singing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
(Both sing)
P: This is my favorite performance on the show. Fantasia doing this. And I love how Phil pops up out of the backseat like Nosferatu.
W: Rob Lowe? Goldie Hall?
P: Gwyneth?
W: Yay, House! There's Sarah Jessica.
P: HELEN MIRREN IS FABULOUS.
W: She looks confused as to what she's doing there.
P: She is never confused. She is fabulous.
W: Chris Kattan is taking a break from mimicking Constantine. I don't know who half these people are.
P: That was Emily Blunt…
W: Oh, okay. Teri Hatcher still looks like a hot mess. Kevin Bacon. Natalie Portman?
P: That's Natalie Portman.
W: I always confuse those two. I don't know who Kirstie Alley was dancing with. With a priest? That's very strange.
P: Hugh Grant just did his "Love, Actually" dance.
W: Yes, that is my favorite.
P: I can't help loving Gwyneth Paltrow even though I should hate her.
W: Why should you hate her?
P: Because she's all macrobiotic and fake British.

W: Oh no, it's tough to watch, says Ryan. Are you ready to cry?
P: I don't want to cry.
W: They're playing Snow Patrol. You won't be able to help it.
P: Oh my god. There is going to be a DEAD CHILD.
W: That's when Simon walked out and was just overwrought. That was that part.
P: I hope this made people donate. It's going to make me donate!
W: Oh my god.
P: Oh. So sad. And Ellen is going to make me cry with her $100,000.
W: Aawww.
P: Oh god, Josh Groban! That's like cheating!
W: With AFRICAN CHILDREN.

(Lance and Ian come back from the dog park and do a Josh Groban impression.)
P: There are dying African children and you are mocking Josh Groban!
W: Tell them to fuck off, there are dying children.
P (to Weet): Lance and Ian are saying the children would rather die than listen to Josh Groban. They don't get it.
W: The musicians have mullets.
P: Oh my god, the tiny little African children. And Ian is doing some kind of crazy African dance.
Ian: Don't question my crazy African dancing.
Lance: Look, it's crazy dwarves.
P: Those are African children, Lance.
Lance: African pygmies?
P: Weet, help me.
W: I'm too upset. Tell them they're poop heads.
P: I'll just rewind and make them watch the dying people.
W: That will be their punishment. Seriously, look at Josh Groban's nostrils. They're enormous.
P: Well you and I and our readers understand. (to Ian) PUH-FUFF.
W: Tell them to go back to the dog park.

(commercials)

W: Tell Ian that he won't get any frozen custard in Milwaukee if he keeps making fun.
P: No frozen custard!
Ian: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO.
W: And we will listen to Josh Groban the whole time, and I only have one song on my iPod, which we will listen to over and over.
P: He is now quiet. He is behaving himself. KEL-LY CLARK-SON.
W: I've heard she's wearing something atrocious.
P: Oh that is atrocious. It's a muumuu.
Ian: She's dressed like a Formica tabletop.
W: It's like one of those Magic Eyes where you have to cross your eyes to see what the picture is.
P: Lance thinks it's a vagina, and Ian thinks it's a starving African.
W: I like her hair that length.
P: I wish she was wearing a different dress.
Lance: I wish she was naked, bending over.
P: Oh, you don't even like vaginas. Oh Kelly, you're so good. Listen to those notes. I love Kelly. Does she have a new album coming out?
W: I think so.

(commercials)

P: The Simpsons are funny. Dunkelman! Yay!
W: Dunkelman shoutout! Where IS Bono? Is Bono coming yet?
P: I don't think Bono exists on this show.
W: Ryan's a cock tease, with the Bono.
P: Oh, LaKisha's shirt is gaping!
W: She needs some tape.
P: She thinks she's going home.
W: Yeah you can tell.
P: And she's safe. We know she's safe. We know they're all safe! And we know about the poverty now, too.

P: Oh god, here it is. Elvis.
W: Here it is. Oh dear. I like the retro logo. Esteban's aunt was talking about this and freaking out.
P: Again, I have a soft spot for Celine Dion.
W: I am going to see her this summer in Las Vegas.
P: I want to see her.
W: It's four hundred dollars.
P: Oh.
W: That's not really Elvis! The real Elvis doesn't have a wireless mike.
P: I'm actually amazed by the fake Elvis technology.
W: They had an Elvis lookalike singing on stage and they had it digitally superimposed for the close shots.
P: That makes sense. That's less creepy for some reason.
W: It's still pretty creepy though.
P: Elvis would be rolling over in his grave.
W: Naah. He'd probably be like, "I'd do her."
P: "TV history"? It's FAKE ELVIS! And now Madonna. First Gwyneth and now Madonna.
W: "I am going to buy all of these children."
P: They really did get every famous person on earth to do this.
W: Except us.

(commercials)

W: I'm trying to figure out how to list Idol Cares on my taxes. I may have to donate to Second Harvest directly.
P: Anne Lennox is kind of fabulous. This is a good song. This is no Clay Aiken performance…
W: …No?
P: I know you don't want to look it up but it was SO GOOD.
W: Okay, I will look it up.
P: Aw. You're a good friend. But I wonder—where's Clay Aiken?
W: He's blowing Reichen.
P: I really want gay marriage just so there can be a Reichen Aiken.
W: That should be urban slang for something. "The good old Reichen Aiken."
P: I have to say Clay's performance was better. Even though I like Annie Lennox.
W: I like her better with her blaze orange hair from the Eurythmics era.
P: If they're putting Annie Lennox on after dead Elvis, then Bono could still be coming up….

(commercials)

P: Okay, Rob Schneider is not Bono.
W: He looks like he got let into the wrong party.
P: Here is where they don't eliminate Chris or Jordin. But try to get Jordin extra votes.
W: Oh, this is the terrified…. Jordin was laughing. Did you see the look on her face? And Chris is trying not to laugh.
P: Maybe they both knew. Maybe they were just scaring America.
W: They had to have let them in on it. I think it's cruel to not let them in.
P: Um.. there was no Bono. Can I point out? Wait, now is Bono? There's Bono! Yay!
W: Yay! He's like stalking them from the corner.
P: What was his real original name? Like Bob Bononovich?
W: Paul something, I think. But he took Bono Vox as his stage name. And then dropped the Vox.
P: He's kind of getting old. Don't get old, Bono! And now they're all going to sing. And Jordin just hit a really off note.
W: That was awful. And my TiVo stopped on me.
P: I will report: Melinda sounds great, and it's obvious she would kick Jordin's ass in the finale. Phil is negligible. And now my DVR stopped. Okay, any final words?
W: Who do we think is going home next week? Like you said, this week's votes are going to have so much impact on last week's totals…
P: Chris and LaKisha.
W: Maybe, but what if it's Melinda and LaKisha, opening the way for Jordin in your demographic theory?
P: I think that's a possibility too. It would be like Jennifer Hudson squared. Or Chris Daughtry squared.
W: And this is that time, right? Sixth?
P: Yeah, like sixth, fifth, fourth…
W: We're poised for the shocker.
P: Okay, I'm poised. Weetapidol out.