Wednesday, April 04, 2007

Top 9: We Left our Hearts On Randy's Bedazzeled Shirt Sleeve

It's Tuesday night and Weet and Pie stay up late to rage against time zones and be in awe of the sheer oldness of Mister Tony Bennett.


Pie: Tony Bennett, this is pretty cool.
Weet & Pie: AMMMMMERIcan Idol.
Weet: Are we drunk already?
P: Yes.
W: You need to drink more, because I'm almost done with this bottle.
P: Should we turn this into a dri—
W: We need to come up with a dri—
(laughter)
W: Ooh, that's eerie.
P: Okay what's the drinking game then?
W: I don't know. Whenever he says AMMMERICAN Idol, definitely take a drink.
P: How about if Randy is wearing something fucking bizarre?
W: Like the bedazzeled tattoo shirt that he got at Dress Barn? Did you know that Tony Bennett grabbed my mom's ass?
P: I did not know that.
W: Bit of trivia. She's very proud.
P: Tony Bennett. That is one class act right there. Aside from the ass grabbing.

(Blake Lewis, "Mack the Knife")
P: I love standards night. It's usually my favorite one.
W: I tell you right now, if Mike Boogie beatboxes…
P: Drink?
W: Yes, drink. Oh, he's doing Mack the Knife though. I like this song.
P: Tony Bennett does not enjoy Blake.
W: I think if he were 20 years younger he would… bleh... kicked... ugh... I'm drunk.
P: Oh, what did he just do? He was, like, reaching into his jacket for GHB.
W: That's the other guy, Cap'n Date Rape.
P: That is a hideous jacket.
W: The striped tie with the plaid pants and the white sneakers? I swear, he's dressed like Steve Martin in The Nerd.
P: … The Jerk you mean?
W: Er… no, it's a little known thing that Steve Martin did in community theater. You know, Mike Boogie is not doing a bad job.
P: It makes me fucking angry that he's good.
W: He's pretty good. And he's in the pimp spot. He did some scat though. I think it was appropriate, however.
P: Scat in Mack the Knife... you can't argue with that.
W: No. WHAT IS RANDY WEARING?
P: I'm at a loss for words.
W: I think he bought that at Catherine's Stout Shop.
P: And Paula has taken Randy's referee shirt and made a jacket out of it.
W: What the fuck are his friends wearing? I bet they made those tees on Zazzle. Okay, I'm kind of liking Simon's chest hair.
P: You ARE drunk.

(commercials)

(Phil Stacey, "Night and Day")
W: Strangely attractive Phil Stacey. He's growing hair back, did you see?
P: It's making him more attractive.
W: I don't know. It's kind of making him look like a guidance counselor.
P: I think he's back to being a little creepy.
W: And it's not like he's doing very well.
P: He has delightful teeth. Very white and straight.
W: I think they get a bunch of Crest Night Whitening Expressions Effects as part of their American Idol Pack. That is my theory.
P: I enjoy how your theory includes a Pack.
W: It's more of a gift basket really.
P: Yeah, that performance was pretty good.
W: You know, if you don't look at him, he sounds great. There are actually people with Phil signs in the audience. Weird.
P: Well, someone's voting for him. Randy talks, and I am just transfixed by the shirt.
W: My eyes are caught by the Bedazzling action on his forearm.
P: And Paula's scarf is a fucking mess with that jacket.
W: I agree. But I think Phil is kind of reminiscent of a young Frank Sinatra.
P: Blasphemous.
W: I can tell I am drunk because she was like "I need you to..." and there was a pause I filled it with "concentrate on my clitoris."
P: Hee.
W: Phil Stacey's got a Dunkelman! Take a drink. That's a rule. Appearance of Dunkelman: take a drink.

(Melinda Doolittle, "I Got Rhythm")
P: Again, she's looking surprised by his praise.
W: She was actually tearing up.
P: I don't think it's affected, I just think it's getting old.
W: I think she just forgets about the past praise.
P: Maybe she has some kind of short-term memory disorder.
W: How are you feeling about this outfit?
P: I am not liking it at all. It looks like it's got bloodstains.
W: I think on anyone else, it would look awesome. Jen Wade would look incredible in that little dress.
P: I like her hair and I like the neckline….
W: I don't know if this neckline works for her.
P: I think the skirt is the wrong fabric. Boy, she can really sing.
W: I really do think she has star potential.
P: She sings like that and I think, she HAS to know she's good.
W: And again with "What? Is this for me? Are you clapping for me? What?"
P: I know. Take the compliment, woman, without looking soo-prized.
W: You have to type "soo-prized."
P: People just want little Melinda to win.
W: What about LaKisha?
P: Well I want LaKisha to win.
W: Yeah, I do too.
P: Melinda's great. I don't have anything against her. I just prefer LaKisha. Maybe it's fat girl bias.
W: I'm sure on my end that it's fat girl bias. I have no problem with Melinda except her strange neck situation.

(commercials)

(Chris Richardson/K. Fed/Brian Bonsall, "Don't Get Around Much Anymore")
P: You know how you said he looks like Brian Bonsall? Sars posted the same thing today.
W: Oh really?
P: Wait, does he "imagine he's singing to Paula"? What the fuck is wrong with Ryan?
W: I think this is called Ryan: Desperate. I think he just rubbed his hand on the inside of Chris's thigh.
P: Nice silhouette.
W: Yeah. I think we're seeing the new generation of Chris lights.
P: He still looks skeevy.
W: He's still very K. Fed. I think he's wearing the hat that goes with Boogie's pants.
P: This is fun. I am kind of missing Chris Sligh though.
W: I am too. And I am also kind of dreading the fact that we have Sanjaya coming up.
P: I just had this horrible feeling that I had a dream about him that I'm blocking out.
W: Sanjaya or Chris Richardson?
P: Sanjaya.
W: Wow, you're very honest. I would have said Chris Richardson.
P: He was good.
W: Yeah.
P: I knew I should have swapped him and Chris Sligh in my pool placements.
W: I know, me too, I'm pissed. And Paula's drunk. Look at her eyes.
P: I don't understand who his fan base is at all.
W: I think the young teenyboppers who want the hotties are going for Boogie.
P: It's the only explanation for Boogie. Also his annoying fucking talent. I guess it's the only explanation for Sanjaya. That's where I'm putting the teenyboppers.
W: And Vote for the Worst.

(Jordin, "On A Clear Day")
P: I'm having a bad feeling about Jordin all of a sudden. And she hasn't even started singing.
W: What is her hand doing? I don't like what her hand is doing there.
P: And her vest. I do not enjoy her vest.
W: No.
P: I feel she's buried in terms of her placement... she's screwed demographically… and she's not good enough to overcome that.
W: I tend to agree.
P: This is just sheer instinct. I could be totally wrong.
W: I trust your instinct. Except I think I said insynct.
P: Well, I have good insynct.
W: I think her little tiny vest trying to disguise her ass is not going to go well with America's voters. We do not like caginess with our plus-sized woman. We want full-frontal plus-sized women.
P: Paula's babbling again. Thank god. Last week when she was coherent, I didn't know what to do with myself.
W: I know. I need her complete inanity.
P: She's not going to sail through, though. Paula's wrong.

(commercials)

(Gina Glocksen, "Smile")
W: Oh, I love this song!
P: I don't think I know this song.
W: It's a beautiful song. Bette Midler sings it in Beaches.
P: Then I will know it.
W: If you and I are truly kindred spirits, you will know it. And I may have to sing it with Gina. This is one of my "try out for musicals" songs.
P: She looks pretty, but a little skank.
W: She's singing such a classy song, I'm forgiving her for that. I don't like what her red streak is doing on top of her bouffant.
P: I think she's overaccessorized, and she should look more simple and classic.
W: And she could do that while still being punk. She doesn't need to look like she's about to go to a Joy Division concert.
P: I don't hear you singing.
W: I'm trying to listen to Gina! And I actually can do that better.
P: You could do it while dressed better.
W: Well, that goes without saying. But I agree, Simon!
P: I also agree with Simon. She's no Katharine McPhee. McPhee would have rocked that.
W: That would have been perfect for Katharine McPhee.

(Sanjaya, "Cheek to Cheek")
W: Tony met Sanjaya… And then Tony Bennett died. We're sad to report that this is the last clip of Tony Bennett.
P: Hee. He likes Sanjaya.
W: He's 80 years old. He's senile. He grabbed my mom's ass. What judgment does the man have?
P: I LOVE this song.
W: I do too. How Stevie does he look?
P: (sings along)
W: Yay Pie!
P: He REALLY can't sing.
W: No. What happened to Sanjaya from the tryouts? He could actually sing.
P: You kind of like the poor kid… and you wish him well... but he's in over his head.
W: I enjoy that he's wearing saddle shoes.
P: And he picked one of my favorite songs.
W: "Sanjaya is my papaya"? Do you think she just got to the end of the sign and was like, "uuhh..."
P: She got to the end of her rhyming dictionary. "Flangaya…"
W: Pariah. Which I think belongs on a sign, but probably not a pro-Sanjaya sign.

(Haley, "Ain't Misbehaving")
P: Oh Haley, I completely forgot about her.
W: Haley and her amazing legs.
P: Oh my god, she is wearing a fucking amazing dress. That color is gorgeous. And it sparkles!
W: It is gorgeous.
P: She is all about the legs and the boobies.
W: This is a good song for her.
P: Tony Bennett does not like Haley.
W: He is not impressed by her boobies.
P: Well, he's an ass man.
W: Ha! Thank you and goodnight.
P: God I love the pattern on that dress too.
W: It's fantastic. I don't know how she sits in that. How do people sit in those tiny skirts?
P: It doesn't matter if Ryan sees, anyway.
W: Yeah, he's like a gynecologist.
P: Her voice sounds actually pretty good.
W: I would have liked it better as a ballad.
P: This is the best her voice has sounded. Or this is the drunkest I've ever been while listening to her.
W: I think she's pulling a Katharine McPhee right now.
P: The sexiness plus being able to sing?
W: Lots of eye contact with the camera, lots of flirty, flirty cuteness.
P: She's got great legs and boobs, Simon. Don't leave out the boobs.
W: I'm sorry, but I'm still transfixed by Randy's shirt.
P: Randy's shirt is….

(commercials)

(LaKisha, "Stormy Weather")

P: Oh, pretty dress!
W: Is it another Igigi dress?
P: If it is, I want it.
W: I've done this for karaoke too!
P: Oh god, I just love her. She's the only one who gives me chills. Her voice is just incredible.
W: I love that she rocks the upper arms.
P: Yay! She's soooooo good.
W: She's got a standing audience.
P: Because she's fucking LaKisha. That's why. LOVE HER.
W: Rock on.
P: She's beautiful. And her dress is beautiful. And she's good. I'm going to be so devastated if she's eliminated.
W: I will be weeping.
P: It will be like the post-Daughtry part of last season.
W: That was a bad time.
P: Oh, I want that dress. If I wear that to my wedding reception, do you think that's okay?
W: You can wear whatever you want.

(Our TiVos cut off)
W: So who do think is going?
P: Jordin. I'm going with Jordin, and Phil as my backup.
W: I think I have to agree. I mean, I kind of feel like Sajaya is Teflon and nothing's going to stick to him. He should go, but given the rule of the universe... then, Jordin or Phil.
P: You can pick someone different.
W: No, I agree. I can't just make someone up! Okay, I think Ryan is going to be voted off. Bye, Ryan.

Weetapidol out.

2 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

Three comments:

1--I finally saw deep into Phil's creepiness. It is dark and frightening.

2--I thought Lakisha had a very bad night.

3--Why was Haley all pissy when Simon said she had great legs? She wants people to vote for her legs or she wouldn't wear what basically amounts to the same outfit every week.

9:34 AM  
Anonymous lisa-marie said...

Haley would be a great stripper. She'd be even better in porn.

4:22 PM  

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