Wednesday, March 26, 2008

Top 10: Jason Castro, David Cook, Zach Braf, Douche! Which of these things is not like the other?

Pie's schedule did not permit her to liveblog this week, so Jake graciously volunteered to watch along with Weet. He's clearly a natural. Pie should be back next week.



Jake : The opening was very Star Wars
Weetabix : And again, the geek contingent is strong with this one.
Jake : Ryan looks like a midwestern insurance adjuster

Weetabix : do you think Ricky cries himself to sleep every night?
Jake : yes, so does Paula's stylist
Weetabix : oooh, holy crap! As Tim Gunn would say, that's a whole lot of look! she looks like a Barbie Doll
Jake : Year they where born?
Weetabix : tonight's theme is the year they were born? weird
Jake : That's an interesting choice


RAMIELE MALUBAY

Jake : uh oh, in the dead spot. She was born in Saudi Arabia? Her mom talks like Margaret Cho's
Weetabix : totally different ethnicity, dude
Jake : I'm aware of that
Weetabix : I like to call you "racist". that's the lesser known song by Kenny Loggins, the follow up to "Whenever I call you friend"
Jake : OH
MY
GOD
Weetabix : OMG!HEART!
Jake : YES
Weetabix : We sang this! At karaoke!
Jake : I'm singing along
Weetabix : Are you singing along? HEEE!
Jake : my roommate is not amused
Weetabix : alone!
Jake : TIL NOW
Weetabix : TIL NOW I always got by on my own... oooh, not a good note
Jake : I didn't nail it either
Weetabix : well, you're not Ferocia Coutura
Jake : No, No I'm not...neither is Ramiele
Weetabix : she's my little Ferocia. this was a brave choice of songs
Jake : it was very brave, and I give it a pass because it's Heart
Weetabix : and that's all that matters
Jake : and I love that song... LOVE!
Weetabix : I agree. I enjoy the Heart.
Jake : uh oh
Weetabix : uh oh what?
Jake : I admited that to the world. They hate it, even Paula...it's a hard choice,
Weetabix : ooh, she's not feeling well! Ferocia is ill! That's why her voice broke
Jake : pity vote
Weetabix : and Simon is sticking up for her! YAY SIMON!
Jake : Her shorts are awful
Weetabix : I hate the shorts
Jake : She's going home, Simon just gave her the kiss of death
Weetabix : the boots, though, hit her at a bad spot on her leg.
Jake : there is no good spot on her leg for boots to hit
Weetabix : did I tell you? I got the new American Idol Karaoke Revolution
and now Simon tells me that I am fabulous. it's very good for my ego. heee!
Jake : she just screwed up the pity vote
Weetabix : that she did
Jake : all of my roommates have now come into make sure I was not being murdered
Weetabix : she should have let America believe she had a 105 temperature
Jake : yes and vomited just before entereing the stage
Weetabix : did you front like you were? so that they didn't know the story, the shame of Heart?
Jake : I don't front, dawg
Weetabix : I'm proud of you...it's time that you came out and admitted your enjoyment of the power ballad
Jake : America, in addition to a Heart love, I also have the complete works of Celine Dion... Including Imports... and Dance Mixes
Weetabix : and that's all that needs to be sad
Jake : yes, it is sad
Weetabix : said... I meant said. That was an unfortunate typo.

COMMERCIALS

Jake :
I would like my life to voice activated, like the Sync
Weetabix : I agree.
Jake : Oven, 450. Pizza, cook
Weetabix : I would even like my husband to respond to the sound of my voice, like Sync. Esteban, take out the trash.
Jake : Vodka, Mix!
Weetabix : Esteban, flag the comforter when you fart! see, I'm trying to reveal more, to help you not feel so exposed in the whole Heart/Celine drama
Jake : I heard a rumor that Abigail Brensin wore a fat suit in Little Miss Sunshine
Weetabix : that's not a rumor... that's true. I just wrote that on Elastic Waist yesterday
Jake : I'm trying to distract America with slander
Weetabix : HOLY SHIT I'm freaked out by the Guitar Hero commercial
Jake : I do not care for Guitar Hero
Weetabix : Slash's fist comes out of a guy's mouth

ROOO ROOO!
Jake : have you submitted a song yet?
Weetabix : I think you should compose a song--we need to stop being so equally smarmy


JASON CASTRO

Jake :
he's going for a birthday vote
Weetabix : Also, I should mention that my niece Abigail revealed to me that my sister Amy has the super hots for Jason Castro
Jake : Jesus
Weetabix : to which I replied "He's a douche"...I couldn't help myself. And she's 9!
Jake : She needs to learn now
Weetabix : she does... OOOOH! That bastard! He's singing Fragile!
Jake : He is
Weetabix : That's one of my favorite Sting songs
Jake : It's a good choice for him
Weetabix : Why does he have to date rape all of my favorite songs?
Jake : it's the only way he knows
Weetabix : I don't like that he's singing it like it's Taco Tuesday at the local mexicali restaurant
Jake : He's doing it very well
Weetabix : it's about murder and death, and he's doing it all peppy
Jake : I'm not a fan of Sting
Weetabix : whatever, Celiniac
Jake : actually, his dreds remind me that Bandit needs to be let out at the next commercial
Weetabix : who is the guy on Scrubs who dates all the young girls? he makes crazy faces like that guy
Jake : Zach Braf
Weetabix : yes, he makes Zach Braf faces when he sings
Jake : once again, the lust makes Paula lucid. Simon Cowell was on Top Gear
Weetabix : I agree with Simon, it's totally someone busking outside of a subway station
Jake : It totally was busking
Weetabix : also, Jason has extraordinarily large feet, I hadn't noticed that before
Jake : it's the tight pants
Weetabix : I'm not talking about his cock. I'm talking about his feet. It's not a euphamism


SYESHA MERCADO

Weetabix : These people are all making me feel really old. I had seen a penis in a sexual manner by the time Syesha was born in 1987
Jake : I was 12
Weetabix : I'm going to weep openly by the time Baby Xander sings. I don't know "If I Were Your Woman"
Jake : I don't either, and they didn't identify the artist.... she loves the circle earrings
Weetabix : she got them all on one big card at Icing for $6
Jake : hee
Weetabix : syesha is doing better tonight, I think, than I've seen her do since getting to the top 12
Jake : it's true, this is a good performance
Weetabix : see, that was a glorious note. not a glory note. A glorious note.
Jake : it's a little church choir
Weetabix : I'm ok with that. I like a little side of gospel with my Idol. like mashed potatoes and gravy. or corn. Which I think is very Midwestern, but I like it.
Jake : yes, it was good gospel, not Tyler Perry movie
Weetabix : See, Randall agrees with me. It's her best performance so far. Seriously, what the fuck is Paula wearing?
Jake : I don't know, I like her hair though
Weetabix : Did she stumble in from a revival of Diamonds Are A Girls Best Friend?
Jake : the Grunge version
Weetabix : Simon slammed her "It was definitely the best so far, but we're only three in"
Jake : I think it was a very good choice for her
Weetabix : The trick to making America love you is to apparently stay quiet during the judging.
Jake : interesting
Weetabix : which Ferocia totally didn't heed.

COMMERCIALS

Weetabix : Like Ashton Kutcher would be toting around a ghetto Cool Pix
Jake : Demi must be getting expensive
Weetabix : Mama's got needs
Jake : or Rumor's bar bill is getting out of hand
Weetabix : hey, he's only going to be pretty for a very short time. He's got to cash in. It's not like he can fall back on his ability to wise crack, you know?
Weetabix : apparently thin is in at Papa Murphy's
Jake : Bandit just laid a Jason Castro dred in the backyard

CHICKEZE

Jake : Chickiezie has a good stylist
Weetabix : that he does, they all have the same stylist
Jake : the stylist hates Ferocia
Weetabix : the stylist errors quite frequently although I have to say that the stylist does the plus size ladies some very nice gestures
Jake : His parents are adorable...as is chickeze
Weetabix : "If Only For One Night"?
Jake : Again, I'm not familar with the song
Weetabix : Man, where was I during the 80's and 90's?
Jake : I was listening to Depeche Mode
Weetabix : and New Order and the Cure
Jake : and New-- heh
Weetabix : hee--see, stop doing that
Jake : i also had my punk phase, that was early 90's
Weetabix : I was going to go into a diatribe about the Dead Milkmen and also Mojo Nixon, but then I realized that it's because it's more interesting than Chickeze
Jake : I'm underwhelmed
Weetabix : I almost won tickets to Bonnaroo tonight, I can't decide if I'd want to go to that or not
Jake : I have no idea what that is
Weetabix : it's like the hipster Lolla
Jake : ah
Weetabix : Death Cab, that kind of thing, Raconteurs
Jake : oldie but goody?
Weetabix : I think Angels and Airwaves is going to be there
Jake : nice
Weetabix : Agreed with Randy... boring. "boring for me, dawg"
Jake : RAndy is going to lose it... RESPECT ME DAWG!
Weetabix : Paula takes another hit off her crack pipe
Jake : Chickeze does not like that
Weetabix : Simon is tired of Jacuzzi... and once again, America does not like it when the contestants talk back to the judges
Jake : I think chikezie might be in trouble

BROOKE WHITE

Jake :
Brooke is doing the Police!
Weetabix : YAY! Sting is fairing well tonight
Jake : that he is
Weetabix : You know, that makes me feel old again. Fragile? Was off of Sting's SECOND solo album. I used to play that every night during my senior year when falling asleep. It covered up the sounds of the crack whores screaming at their pimps outside my bedroom window.
Jake : that's a lovely story
Weetabix : I try to paint with words. I would like the Dyson guy to read me bedtime stories.
Jake : you could get him to narrate your memoirs
Weetabix : no, I am still holding out for Emma Thompson.
Jake : and Anderson Cooper can do the naughty bits
Weetabix : ooooh... huh. That will give me something to think about. there's not a lot of naughty bits. I'm pretty innocent.
Jake : but when they need impact, you get a closeted Vanderbuilt
Weetabix : I like to think it's just because he hasn't met the right girl yet.
Jake : so does CNN
Weetabix : This is the same denial I carried for years regarding Morrissey.
Jake : Remember those rumors about Morrisey and Micheal Stipe?
Weetabix : yes and yes. although! Michael Stipe dated Jane Pratt. that's a fact. although! Jane Pratt had sex with Drew Barrymore. God, her family is totally Mormon!
Jake : I know
Weetabix : They are like, Osmonds!
Jake : No, they are like from Boutniful
Weetabix : that's crazy. They have the look of Utah. I've clearly been to Utah too many times that I can pick that out now.
Jake : They do. I prefer to call it the stench of Utah
Weetabix : I like her hair straightened
Jake : She looks far better. OOPS!
Weetabix : Yes, she had an oopsie
Jake : the stylist is hit or miss
Weetabix : And also? Barefoot again.
Jake : no doubt
Weetabix : Her hands are CRAZILY wrinkled. What's up with that? Is she super old or something?
Jake : she has so much heart, though... she communicates her passion so well. I really like this
Weetabix : She's no Vanessa Carlton. She's kind of countrifying this, like, a little ya'llternative
Jake : heh, very much so, but I liked it
Weetabix : I don't know, I thought it was ok but I push against liking Brooke
Jake : Randy is feeling bitchy tonight
Weetabix : Again, I agree with Randall... it was ok
Jake : I kind of like it
Weetabix : apparently I also am feeling bitchy
Jake : I'm underwhelmed by everyone so far
Weetabix : I agree also with Paula that she is pretty consistant.
Jake : I think she'll win
Weetabix : I think she's going to be up there quite far

COMMERCIALS

Jake :
even with her Sara Chalkeness?
Weetabix : there is a lot of Sara Chalke there speaking of which, I am trying to overcome that hatred too. Because of How I Met Your Mother. She was sort of adorable on last night's episode
Jake : Bears do not belong in Lowes
Weetabix : no, everyone knows they shop at Home Depot
Jake : This VW commercial is too diverse for me
Weetabix : I have a Chevy truck commercial, that says a lot about the difference in our states

MICHAEL JOHNS

Weetabix : AUSSIE! At least he's born in the same decade as I am
Jake : What's with the Astrology?
Weetabix : aw, his parents are adorable
Jake : Australians fight easily, it's all the drinking
Weetabix : although I have to point out that I went to Youtube and watched his Bohemian Rhapsody performance? it really was fantastic.
Jake : Awesome!
Weetabix : He's doing more Queen! Look at all the action! Lights! Clapping! DYNAMIC! and also? He has very nice arms.
Jake : I don't think he's lip syncing this week
Weetabix : According to shmuel, he wasn't last week either
Jake : He was last week, totally
Weetabix : I rewatched that performance too, very closely, and I can't find anything that obviously looks like he was.
Jake : that was very good. Queen is always a good choice
Weetabix : that was fucking awesome, and also, Paula just had her third orgasm. she's GLOWING! Actually, I think Randy might have had petit de mort as well
Jake : what?
Weetabix : seriously, that was hot. AUSSIE IS BACK IN MY PANTS!
Jake : Paula lost it there
Weetabix : aftershock


CARLY SMITHSON

Weetabix : Oh my god, she had a million curls!
Jake : No way. She's 30
Weetabix : she does look older than that!
Jake : Her mother has aged well
Weetabix : that she has
Jake : perhaps she spends a lot of time in the sun. Stay out of the Sun!
Weetabix : Well, she has been in CA for at least 6 years
Jake : Wear Sunscreen
Weetabix : wear sunscreen-- fuck
Jake : YES
Weetabix : TOTAL ECLIPSE OF THE HEART!
Jake : oh, wait
Weetabix : I had this on 45. you thought it was Heart again, didn't you?
Jake : I did
Weetabix : I'm singing along with this
Jake : this is good though. She has strange singing posture
Weetabix : she's awesome
Jake : this is fantastic
Weetabix : yes, it's not exactly flattering. not as bad a singing posture as Nurse Ratched's
Jake : Oh, that was a little bit of Irish in the song
Weetabix : aye
Jake : She's so good
Weetabix : I loooooved that
Jake : she thanked Ricky and the band, boo Randy
Weetabix : weird... Randy really is bitchy tonight
Jake : I know
Weetabix : Randy doesn't like the "whole rock thing"? that's so weird. He was in JOURNEY
Jake : He's a hater. I liked the run at the end. She was very tense? it was the posture! Simon's getting a package in the mail
Weetabix : And Simon is the voice of reason. Ok, the whole bathroom discussion between Ryan and Carly was just strange. I don't know where to put that in my brain.

COMMERCIALS

Jake : this coke commercial was bizarre. I will never be ready for an Alvin and the Chipmunks revival
Weetabix : it's all just sort of thrown out in the middle of a tirade about how hard her life has been
they just keep coming back, the Chipmunks. They're like entertainment Haley's comets

DAVID ARCHULETA

Weetabix : Baby Xander might miss prom! Oh no!
Jake : He can't take a boy to Prom
Weetabix : Does he have a crush on someone? Great, Ryan just left a teenage girl totally mortified on national television.
Jake : She's student body president and leader of his fan club
Weetabix : how the hell do you know this? wow
Jake : She's on the news every night. this is awkward
He looked like Speedy Gonzales
Weetabix : "You're The Voice"??? Oh, this sounds familiar, like, I might have heard it at the dentist
Jake : I have no idea
Weetabix : it sounds like something you'd hear at church camp
Jake : that it does. I may feel the stirrings of Jesus in my chest
Weetabix : and also, he's totally wearing a Member's Only jacket
Jake : I have no idea what America sees in this kid. this is terrible. TERRIBLE
Weetabix : yeah, I wasn't loving it, dawg. again, though, we're not the voters, I asked Abby who she was voting for on Easter? She confirmed: David Archuleta.
Jake : Hah! Theme Park! that's my slam! but totally true

COMMERCIALS

Weetabix :
Ok, how much do I love Marshall from How I Met Your Mother? Very very much. Jason Segal, I believe is his name.
Jake : Jennifer Garner looks younger than Carly
Weetabix : I have no interest in trying Orbit Maui Melon Mint
Jake : neither do I, Melon and Mint do not belong together
Weetabix : agreed, although I've had a fruit salad that had melon with a light mint syrup, and it wasn't bad
Jake : Utah now has a DSW. WE HAVE ARRIVED AMERICA

KRISTY LEE COOK

Jake : cheesecake dad shot, going for the gays
Weetabix : 1984...I was in 6th grade when she was born. I had not yet seen a penis in a sexual nature, so this is ok
Jake : she looks younger than Carly
Weetabix : She does! She wears sunscreen!---oh no
Jake : she was remarkably-- NO. NO!
Weetabix : not God Bless The USA! Do you remember when Invincible Girl sang this at Journalcon Austin?
Jake : yes
Weetabix : And sang it as the United States of Awesome? It is still to this day, the best and only tolerable version of this song. this is KLC's attempt to shake the rednecks out of their stupor and get them to pick up the damned phone
Jake : hopefully they've bought new minutes, or paid the bill. momma needs to vote for idol! she's not going home on God Bless America
Weetabix : I don't know. Once, someone had to go home singing "Smile" which I thought was particularly harsh, having to sing out your departure on "Smile, though your heart is breaking"
Jake : Her interview was not obnoxious but now I want to hurt her
Weetabix : cheese and rice, we're stuck with KLC for another week
Jake : we are
Weetabix : she's throwing off my pool
Jake : mine as well, you can't slam God Bless the USA... but Simon might try. Fingers crossed.... DAMN
Weetabix : wow... Simon loved it!? And loves the song? I give up.
Jake : he respects her playing the right card
Weetabix : well, that is true. She really did. All the cashiers at Walmart just went on break so they could vote.

COMMERCIALS
Jake : Bandit feels patriotic. He was born in Arkansas though
Weetabix : as was the sexiest US President. and one Presidential Library that I really look forward to visiting... mostly because I hear there's free oral sex

DAVID COOK

Weetabix : And now I feel guilty for thinking he's kind of hot
Jake : totally sporting the 5 head
Weetabix : oh my god, the explanation for the comb over! he's just got a giant head!
Jake : also balding
Weetabix : I'm giving him the benefit of the doubt
Jake : benefit of the douche
Weetabix : weird!
Jake : what song is this?
Weetabix : It's a crizazy version of Billie Jean! this is pretty awesome
Jake : I will admit to being intrigued. it's still, off
Weetabix : it's like a novelty, like bacon flavored ice cream. you just have a hard time deciding what to do with it
Jake : I'm going to go with, No
Weetabix : I fall on the side of Yay. we will teeter
Jake : Simon is annonyed at Paula
Weetabix : Interesting! I think he's got a glove fetish and has been distracted all night
Jake : god, did you see the back of the dress?
Weetabix : nope. Simon said it was amazing! See, Simon is the voice of reason tonight! And yay for Dane Cook getting the pimp spot!
Jake : I was not in love with it
Weetabix : that's because you think he's a douche


RECAP

Jake :
poor Ramiele, she's gone
Weetabix : Noooooooooooo! I'm afraid for Ramiele. Castro's safe, Syesha's safe
Jake : Syesha was good
Weetabix : that she was. Chickeze wasn't very good
Jake : Chickeze might be bottom
Weetabix : I predict he'll be bottom three. Brooke's safe
Jake : I liked Brooke, Safe. Micheal...
Weetabix : Aussie is totally safe and I will venture that Carly is too because she was awesome
Jake : Carly might not be, but I loved it.
Weetabix : David Archuleta
Jake : that was awful. stupid David Archeleta hand his Tween Army
Weetabix : he's still safe though
Jake : KLC will squeek by again
Weetabix : KLC... I'm still not sure. yeah, I don't think she's out
Jake : bottom three, but will survive
Weetabix : And David cook is totally golden this week
Jake : Douchey will live to douche again
Weetabix : I know that we already made our pool picks, but given this new data, do you have a feeling about who might be winning this thing?
Jake : douche will go very far
Weetabix : Jason Castro?
Jake : it will probably come down between Douche and David Archeleta.
Weetabix : I really don't think Castro is going that far, but interesting!
Jake : Castro is going to be out in a week or two
Weetabix : Wait, you're contradicting yourself! This is like "Who's On First", because Dane Cook does not equal Jason Castro
and Jason Castro = Douche
Jake : I'm not. Dane Cook is Douche
Jake : I have to say that was more entertaining than Beetles night. parts 1 and 2
Weetabix : finally something we can agree upon
Jake : Okay, fine, Dane and David will be the top two with the Tween Army against, I don't know what Army Dane has
Weetabix : that blows Pie's whole demographics theory, though
Jake : though i'm pulling for Brooke
Weetabix : I'm thinking it will be Archuleta and Brooke, but I'm probably going to be wrong.
Jake : which is strange, that's what I put in my pool
Weetabix : which I'm fine with
Jake : Brooke does everything wrong, and it comes out right somehow
Weetabix : it's her fragility that is attractive. she's Teflon. it's a little weird
Jake : plus the passion when she sings
Weetabix : we're back to disagreeing, because I find her somewhat dishwater, but then, I'm biased against her. I'm calling this Weetapidol a draw.

WEETAPIDOL OUT!

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3 Comments:

Anonymous KarenDew. said...

I really really REALLY hope Kristy is going home. But I fear she's not even gonna be in the B3. I mean hello! She sang a song about being proud to be American! Sneaky Kristy. GO HOME!
I'm very worried about my Jason, I know you hate him but he rally is wonderful. You know, building houses for orhans in Honduras and stuff wonderful.
Let him be;)

9:24 AM  
Blogger Eden said...

I was so glad Aussie In My Pants did what he did last night. That was brimming with awesome. Even my finicky husband (who's still mad over "A Day In The Life") said he was the best.

I fear for Carly. I thought she was fantastic too but it's almost like between this week & last, the judges are setting her up so that people won't vote for her (as if we're sitting home going "Maybe that wasn't as good as it seemed to me."). I was shocked she was in the bottom 3 last week & I fear she'll be there again.

It's about time that the boys started splitting votes. Surely all the tweens aren't voting equally for Nuke LaDouche and Baby Xander. One of them has to fall soon and I'm betting it'll be LaDouche b/c I think BX's dad has a gross of those dialing machines (he also has everyone send $1 to "Happy Dude at 742 Evergreen Terrace, Springfield.").

12:24 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

OMG David Cook! I am soo buying that on iTunes. *fans self* Big head and all, I love that man. He and Aussie would be a nice top 2.


~shari

3:12 PM  

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