Tuesday, March 11, 2008

Top 12: and the real reason no one likes Sarah Chalke

Pie is going to be busy for a few weeks so we asked our friend Jake to fill in for Weetapidoling (thus preventing an epic soliloquy from Weetabix on Simon's nipples next week). We gave him a soft introduction to the rigors of liveblogging by doing a threesome, which made syncing up our Tivos strangely complicated and thus, hilarity ensues off the bat. Trial by fire, yes, but Weetapidol waits for no man.


Jake : Hello
Weetabix : I'm paused right after Ryan comes on... he's in a spotlight after the word NOW
Pie : okay, give me a minute. my husband is being stubborn with the TV
Weetabix : tell Ian there are matters of state involved. He knows it's Weetapidol night!
Pie : Ryan just said "lights"
Weetabix : you are ahead of us!
Pie : I paused right after "hi Ricky"
Weetabix : pause!
Pie : can we all get to "hi Ricky"?
Weetabix : at the end of his talk after the credits?
Jake : who is Ricky?
Weetabix : I'm not there yet
Pie : Ricky is holding a guitar or something, Ricky is a man in the sky
Weetabix : oh, a band member. a new set!
Pie : this is already surreal
Weetabix : for America! hold on, I'm still getting there! stay paused! both of you!
Pie : ok! ok!
Jake : I'm at created by simon fuller and some blow job faced bitches. wait, am I allowed to say that?
Pie : that could be any moment in this entire show
Weetabix : ok! I'm paused at Hi Ricky. you, miss live viewing, way jumped ahead
Pie : I, unfortunately, have a husband who decided he needed to see the end of Intervention
Jake : nygel lythgo does so you think you can dance
Weetabix : well, Ian has needs too
Jake : your husband needs an intervention wait, am I allowed to say that?
Pie : sure. if you say my husband is a blow-job faced bitch, that's when we'll start having problems.
Weetabix : children, do I have to turn around this liveblog?
Jake : okay, noted. new set america? I can't find ricky. who is ricky?
Weetabix : I'm so glad that we're watching this with commercials because I can't handle syncing this up every break
Pie : yes, I saw this coming. (that's what she said)
Weetabix : Jake, it's less than 3 minutes into the show, right after the credits
Jake : yay! I found ricky
Weetabix : ok go!
Pie : EVERYONE GO! why the hell is Ryan wearing this three-piece suit?
Jake : I feel sorry for Ricky
Weetabix : wait until the empathy for Ryan Seacrest sets in. That's when you know you have an empty life.
Pie : let's not dwell on Ricky or his plight
Weetabix : I do not endorse referring to the band's stand as a penthouse
Jake : is the coke thing new? I thought Paula got drunk. Is there rum in that coke?
Weetabix : the coke thing? You mean the sponsor? Or the general party trick?
Pie : there is possibly LSD in that coke.
Jake : do they not like each other?
Weetabix : Oooh, Simon's wearing a white button down
Pie : Ramiele looks so tiny! she's like a miniature little person!
Jake : Hey! It's an xman! aparantly she gave up her xgene to sing!
Weetabix : are you making a comic book/Rogue joke?
Jake : Yes, is that not allowed?
Weetabix : bringing in the geek demographic. I approve.
Jake : because blow job face ok, comic book not ok? okay
Weetabix : OMG, the Lennon McCartney songbook? I think I may projectile vomit
Jake : Jesus, they have to tell us who the beatles are? I fear for the fate of our nation
Weetabix : which Beatle is your favorite?
Pie : I need to go to Wikipedia. who are these Beatles people? Ringo!
Weetabix : you spelled it wrong, Mo, it's Beetles, isn't it?
Pie : Ringo is my total favorite. he played the Mock Turtle in Alice in Wonderland.
Weetabix : Ringo? I don't know you!
Jake : not John Lennon. I can't spell the other one
Pie : Ian is incredulous that they are explaining the Beatles.
Weetabix : I'm all Paul, all the time, even though he now looks like Dame Edna. George? Is that hard to spell?
Jake : I don't like George Harrison. though Piggy's is a favorite song
Weetabix : he's dead
Jake : What does Randy bring to the table?
Weetabix : Randy is all bloob bloob bloob
Pie : Paula's first incoherent babble of the night!
Weetabix : "These songs are full of melody."
Jake : Ha
Pie : "Sing it straight... and change it up." Thanks for the sage words of wisdom, Paula.
Jake : why do they hate each other?
Pie : who, the judges?
Weetabix : because they've been stuck sitting together behind a table for what, seven years?
Jake : Simon and Ryan
Pie : oh, they flirt.
Weetabix : because they are lovers. In my head.

SYESHA MERCADO
Jake : those earrings taunt me. she can find the lost arc with those
Weetabix : they are like big gold filigree nipples
Jake : or maybe a record contract, but only at 3pm
Weetabix : again the geek boy demographic comes into play. Jake, you're bringing a lovely facet to the Weetapidol experience
Pie : I don't know this song. "Got to get You Into My Life"?
Weetabix : yes you do. just wait. it's later Beatles… oh, I'm wrong. It's mid-Beatles. Why doesn't she pull up her shirt?
Pie : I enjoy her shiny outfit; I don't know this song'; her voice is off
Jake : different earrings, same type though
Pie : Ian says, simply, "No."
Weetabix : love ME America! HERE IS MY SHOULDER!
Jake : she could headline Sausalito
Pie : I do enjoy her shoulder. it is enticing me. her voice is... what is the opposite of enticing. de-ticing?
Weetabix : unticing
Pie : I think she could get voted off. song is not memorable and she wasn't all that. the shoulder is no Haley Scarnato's legs.
Jake : I'm sensing a I work as talent at a local theme park vibe from this performance
Weetabix : her earring motif is repeated in the necklace
Jake : that was a terrible arrangement. she punched out the necklace from the earings
Weetabix : it really was Sausalito. That was a good call! Do you think she has to hit her mark, which is off to the side so as to not obscure the AI logo?
Jake : It hough paula would be crazy not delusional. Simon is crazy. I thought he was the voice of reason
Weetabix : he wants to put his penis into her earring
Jake : and into Ryan's mouth?
Pie : well sometimes he praises people so as not to encourage people to feel sorry for them and vote for them. he toys with Ryan
Weetabix : he normally is, but last week, he told Asia'h that she did well enough to get into the Top 12, which she did not
Pie : really he wants to put his penis into the young hot chicks
Jake : do we vote?
Weetabix : I enjoy Syesha's eyebrows. I will say that.
Pie : also he has a million-dollar car, apparently. so it won't go in very far.


COMMERCIALS

Jake : chikeasy?
Weetabix : Oh Ferocia, you're so much better than that
Jake : heh
Weetabix : So, now that we're in the break, we should probably explain why Jake is guest starring this week
Jake : because you need the geek vote? you want to mix it up? you have to watch intervention next week?
Weetabix : we jumped the shark and you're our Cousin Oliver
Jake : Hah! I'll have to get a bowl cut
Pie : I thought of him more as Chrissy from Growing Pains. or an afro
Weetabix : I had stopped watching Growing Pains at that point
Jake : I never watched it. Allen Thicke frightened me
Pie : Allan Thicke is a frightening man. yet I always found him kind of sexy in a father-I-never-had sort of way. have I said too much?
Weetabix : um, you had a father? What? Allen Thicke was into younger girls. I believe that he dated Molly Ringwold at one point.
Jake : you should add that to his Wikipedia page because then it becomes truth
Pie : who is this Jake person? all I see here is me and Wendy and Cousin Oliver.
Weetabix : I have no interest in watching the Horton movie. I feel compelled to announce that

CHICKEZE
Weetabix : I'm loving the argyle!
Pie : I love his argyle sweater, I will say it right the hell now.
Jake : he is wearing argyle to get the Weetabix vote
Weetabix : YAY Argyle!
Pie : Cousin Oliver, we are very pro-argyle.
Weetabix : wait, he worked at LAX?
Jake : I wonder how many vibrators he's destroyed?
Weetabix : omg, we may have seen Chickeze! out in the field?! somehow I find that really exciting. early buzz is that Chickeze's performance is awesome
Jake : Nell Carter! His mom is Nell Carter! He probably knows a Lawrence
Pie : spoiler alert! this is about to be awesome!
Weetabix : I really like the whole Bible Salesman outfit that ryan's wearing tonight. I don't think I know this one
Pie : I don't know "She's a Woman" either. Ian says its a good choice.
Jake : I don't either
Pie : there is a guy with a banjo in the band.
Weetabix : there should be a banjo in EVERY band
Pie : okay, hooray for the banjo and the fiddle. I embrace this.
Weetabix : Chickeze's got fire in the background!
Jake : the irony is that the white guys are playing
Weetabix : yes this is awesome. why is that ironic? explain please
Pie : I enjoy Chickeze's sweat band watch
Jake : the blues, etc
Weetabix : I would never have picked this out as a Beatles song in a million years
Pie : I don't think the Beatles sang the blues
Weetabix : it's a Beatles song, though! The Beatles were white?
Jake : I would never know this was the blues, exactly
Pie : "she loves you yeah yeah yeah.. and then she leaves you yeah yeah yeah...."
Jake : it's actually good
Weetabix : He's totally got some Chris Lights! that's really what Rocky Raccoon was all about… the blues, mama, the blues
Jake : He made it his own, and he really did well
Weetabix : that was pretty awesome! that's not just the argyle talking either
Pie : Randy is totally into it.
Jake : I agree
Weetabix : I'm downloading that from iTunes. I'm telling you right now. I downloaded Hello from last week and I'm downloading this!
Pie : Paula is high again. Still. More.
Weetabix : uh, it's called "bluegrass" Paula not "o brother where art thou vibe" she's a musician by trade, right? yay Simon loved it!
Jake : she is kind of, not crazy but not right
Weetabix : delusional, is usually our consensus
Jake : yes
Weetabix : yay Chickeze!
Pie : wow, Chickeze is staging a comeback for sure... he seemed like cannon fodder. I will have to see where I put him in my blog picks and reassess.
Weetabix : ok, Ryan is freaking me out
Pie : what the fuck is wrong with Ryan?
Jake : he is pulling the preacher vibe
Weetabix : I'm afraid he's going to go in for the chest bump
Pie : you saw the Bible salesman thing coming.
Jake : LORD, come on up in this house. you did, good call
Pie : Ian wants to know if we can vote Ryan off.
Weetabix : it's never worked so far, but tell him to dial!
Pie : I've never seen him lose his shit that much over a performance in seven years. ever. ever.
and ha!
Weetabix : no, not even when there are shoes involved

RAMIELE (FEROCIA) MALLASOMETHING
Jake : wouldn't it be awesome if Chickeasy goes home?
Weetabix : I heart Ferocia
Jake : this is bizarre. I've dated a lot of Asians, and they all have those couches and that tile. I wonder why?
Pie : listen, Oliver. don't jinx the man with the argyle.
Weetabix : maybe he's the anti-jinx
Pie : "In My Life"! I like this song. It is pretty.
Weetabix : like you were doing last year with Lakisha. Oh yes! That's a great song. she's singing it for Emo Muppet!
Jake : wait, what song is this?
Pie : she is making a fakey fake face into the camera
Weetabix : In My Life
Pie : Ian says she is giving him goosebumps, "and it's not even good."
Weetabix : there are waving arms in the audience. I enjoy her lip gloss. I wave my arms for her lipgloss.
Pie : her lip gloss is so Asian.
Jake : there is a light behind her saying wave your arms if you want a Ford Fusion
Pie : hee
Weetabix : I love this! I love FEROCIA! I however do not love that white belt.
Jake : she is very good. she could have a career in Saipan right now
Weetabix : that was thoroughly enjoyable.
Pie : that was a very good performance. the Idols are invigorated right now!
Weetabix : I hope there's a house/trance week and she does DJ Sammy's Heaven
Pie : I love the little white fold-down triangles on her dress.
Weetabix : it looks like a Chloe Dao prom dress
Jake : sick burn
Weetabix : oh no, kiss of death from Paula! "You look pretty!"
Jake : I'm confused, I thought it was better than the first girl
Weetabix : I thought so too
Pie : "the whole world needs to see what we hear"-- I was typing it as Simon was mocking it.
Weetabix : ha! I love that Simon is taking her to task! her meaning Paula, not Ferocia
Pie : Ferocia needs to lay off the pouty face
Weetabix : yes, that was not attractive. shades of emo muppet
Pie : that is ridiculous. I will vote off your pouty face right now.
Jake : it's right after the orgasm they had from Chickeasy
Weetabix : it's true. It was hard to follow Chickeze

COMMERCIALS
Jake : I have something for your culinary companion
Weetabix : you do? tell me
Jake : preheat oven to 425, open pizza box, insert onto rack
Weetabix : lovely. that's really special making
Jake : cook 12 minutes, enjoy
Weetabix : or, just order it from papa johns!
Jake : David Archeleta is from Utah, He is going to win. Utah represents in text voting competitions. it's because we can vote from our cars
Weetabix : actually, he's very good
Pie : David Archuleta will win for many reasons. but I enjoy yours.
Jake : aparantly there will be reactions after the show
Weetabix : so, weirdness? I can smell yeasty baking bread except we haven't made bread in the house in at least a week.
Jake : uh oh
Weetabix : so now I'm wondering, is something weird rotting that smells delicious?
Jake : there are so many places to go but I value my life too much
Weetabix : hahaha, yes, that there are, and you're wise I may demand that the Captain make some rolls, though, if I keep smelling it, because seriously, hot rolls? butter? honey? Orgasm. And we're back!

JASON CASTRO
Pie : ROOO RRRRROOOO
Jake : I do not like Ryan
Weetabix : the eyebrows haunt me
Jake : Oh jesus, a white kid with dreadlocks
Weetabix : he's such a douche
Jake : he is
Pie : aw, I think he's kind of sweet. I will stand up for you, Jason Castro!
Weetabix : you go for that!
Pie : I will sit back down for you, Jason!
Weetabix : ha!
Pie : he's singing "If I Fell"
Jake : it was either this or peace corps
Weetabix : he's smart not to sing Yesterday
Jake : douche with a guitar!
Weetabix : oh, not good, yes, my theory is that he learned to play in order to get laid
Jake : he's undressing me with his eyes
Weetabix : we all do
Jake : this is awful. he's smirking
Pie : if I were in a coffee shop, I would love this.
Jake : how can you smirk sing If I Fell
Weetabix : is the stage supposed to be the Hollywood Bowl? it looks like a giant yoni
Jake : he will get many votes
Pie : Jason and his eyebrows can smirk-sing anything.
Jake : because his voice cracks at pain and look where that got Dashboard
Weetabix : yes, it got them right inside any pants they so wanted
Jake : clap your hands if you want a Ford Fusion
Weetabix : god, I am really developing a dislike for Mr. Castro
Jake : that was awful, the soy sauce girl was far better. Randy’s got into Paula's stash. Even bandit is annoyed
Weetabix : Paula wants to fuck him. "I feel your heart!"
Jake : well, his voice did crack
Weetabix : blah blah blah go down on me Jason
Jake : by er uh heart, she means COCK
Pie : if by "heart" you mean "cock" then yes, heh
Weetabix : jinx!
Jake : that's the most lucid she's been the whole night
Pie : it is the lucidity of her lust
Weetabix : he wasn't incredible last week! He was awful! He took the most beautiful song and turned it into an abortion.
Jake : what did he sing last week?
Weetabix : Simon nailed it, it was the song that made it special last week, Jeff Buckley's Hallelujah
Jake : Oh, that would have worked well
Weetabix : it did. wait, what is going on with Ryan and Simon? there were eyebrows that were not involving Jason Castro
Jake : and convincing us they hate each other because thier love would lose too many viewers

COMMERCIALS
Weetabix : when do the idols start making their Ford commercial? is that tomorrow on the results show?
Pie : I think so
Weetabix : they are so adorably cheesy that I miss them
Jake : they make commericals? I love the coke music
Weetabix : I don't even know which song it is
Jake : from the movie preview, MGMT, it's old. Time to Pretend

RRROOOOO!
Pie : CARLY SMITHSON WHO I LOVE SO MUCH.
Weetabix : I love CARLY's dress thingy
Jake : I like her tattoo… her make up is--unflattering for her
Pie : I am bumping her from runner up in my pool, though. I think she's going to break my heart this year. I think Brooke will be the runner up.
Weetabix : wait, they have apartments now? I thought they were always all in a big house?
Jake : Irish! that rocks. I love her
Weetabix : she is pretty awesome, but I agree. I think she's going to be the shocker, OH MY GOD! do you know where she works?
Pie : did we go there? in San Diego?
Weetabix : that's the bar we had breakfast at in San Diego! YES!
Jake : it is
Weetabix : we went there twice!
Pie : "it goes down a treat" says Carly.
Jake : interesting choice of songs. I actually hate thi song
Weetabix : she's doing the poop posture, which is not to be confused with vaginal exam posture, slightly different
Jake : she almost fellated that microphone
Weetabix : that's the midnight performance
Jake : I'm not feeling this
Pie : this song isn't doing anything for me... I think maybe I just don't like this song. her voice is powerful, but... yeah, I agree with Ollie.
Weetabix : I agree. It's not my favorite song.
Jake : her stance is off putting
Weetabix : I don't actually get the words. Is someone inviting the listener to have a threesome with them? or that the singer wants to watch? I'm befuddled.
Pie : I love her outfit, I have decided.
Weetabix : yes, I agree. the outfit is awesome. The song? not so much.
Jake : that was awful
Pie : maybe I am the Paula in this situation, and I am blinded by kind of wanting to have sex with her.
Jake : I would have sex with her but she doesn't have to sing
Weetabix : Paula's doing drunky clap
Jake : the judges are crazy
Pie : no, I don't think they are--I think that was technically very very good.
Jake : I disagree
Weetabix : I just wasn't feeling it, dawg
Jake : are they setting her up to fail?
Weetabix : he winked at her!
Pie : Simon winked at her! oh, she is going to break. my. heart. in the shocker elinination of the season.
Weetabix : he also wants to fuck her!
Jake : He wants to come together with her and Ryan
Weetabix : oh, I kind of want that too. I would cosign that action
Jake : O live Eleanore Rigby
Weetabix : that sounds like the beginning of a poetic lament
Pie : Ian is doing a dinosaur impersonation
Weetabix : because.....
Jake : like Denver?
Pie : oh, I'm sorry, it turns out it was a Jesus rising from the dead impersonation.
Weetabix : because.... easter?
Pie : which is easily confused with dinosaur. yes!
Weetabix : well, they're both extinct
Pie : hahaha sorry, Jesus!
Jake : Not in the midwest
Weetabix : I hate Applebees
Jake : But it's Wanda Sykes
Weetabix : no, it wasn't. it was Chris in the Morning
Jake : The Dyson vacuumed frightens me
Weetabix : like, I find it emblematic of what is wrong with America's diet, I sort of love the Dyson commercials. It's a lot of what I do during the day as a problem solver
Pie : I fucking love my fucking Dyson, as I have a very sheddy giant dog.
Weetabix : ROOO ROOO!

DAVID (DANE) COOK
Weetabix : seriously, tragic combover
Jake : another douche
Pie : also, Dane Cook is hot.
Jake : I'm surpised he doesn't have a flavor saver, oh wait, he does
Weetabix : . I'm ok with Dane. He's won me over
Pie : Ryan is whispering sweet nothings into Simon's ear
Weetabix : Wait, Simon! Ryan! WHAT?!
Jake : his premature balding hiding haircut works for him
Weetabix : I'm not a fan of Eleanor Rigby, in general
Jake : I like the song, not this version
Pie : I don't know this song but I know I want to have all the sex with Dane Cook.
Jake : Stained covers Revolver
Weetabix : I don't want to have the sex with Dane Cook at all (well, the real one, sort of ). he hasn't won me over that much but BOY look at the Chris Lights in action there!
Jake : you like the frat boys
Weetabix : I do, and rough trade
Jake : He kind of is both
Pie : hahaha
Weetabix : We are being urged by the powers that be to vote for Dane Cook
Pie : that is the funniest thing I have ever heard
Weetabix : what is? the frat boy?
Pie : I do not mean to be meta, but man. it was the line "he kind of is both"
Jake : I want to punch him in the face
Weetabix : why does he have a car key on a necklace? what is up with that?
Jake : it's the key to his heart what? there are many horses?
Weetabix : I think its his ford fusion key
Pie : "there is more than one horse in this race" that Paula wants to ride, if you know what I mean.
Weetabix : Simon liked it. interesting
Pie : Simon said "you could win" and he certainly doesn't say that lightly
Jake : he looks like he smells funny
Pie : he is trying to derail the David Archuleta train
Weetabix : Ryan's right, the turning point was last week with that great version of Hello. That train may have left the station, two weeks in a row, Dane Cook has rocked the vote
Jake : that's not the kind of train ryan wants


COMMERCIALS
Jake : we come back to the low rent version of Rebeccah Gayheart, or maybe RG is trying to resurect her career
Weetabix : I thought she looked like... who was it, mo? Mia Farrow? do you know that mcdonald's burrito has more fat and calories than a Big Mac? they don't say it, but it's awful for you
Jake : really?
Weetabix : yes
Pie : yes, Mia Farrow. and I do not care for burritos.
Jake : they are good
Weetabix : that one. the regular breakfast burritos aren't bad. I enjoy burritos as a food genre


BROOKE WHITE
Pie : there is Ricky making another appearance
Weetabix : how does she has a utah connection?
Pie : Brooke is my chosen runner-up
Weetabix : what? are you ahead? we're seeing montage
Jake : yes
Pie : Ricky was before the montage
Weetabix : ah, ok, I missed Ricky
Pie : you just weren't paying attention
Weetabix : no, I often don't
Pie : "Let It Be" could be interesting
Weetabix : oh god, I'm afraid
Jake : it could be
Weetabix : I need someone to hold me
Jake : blech
Weetabix : this song? Gets stuck in my head for months
Jake : it's powerful or maybe I need to go to the bathroom
Weetabix : I do like her voice quite a bit, it's kind of hoarse
Pie : Brooke is performing the hell out of this. she's EMOTING the song. but not in a fakey way.
Jake : no, it's very good, she's too aware of the camera, it would be better if she just sang
Weetabix : did you see in the Weetapidol comments? She ripped off that performance of Pat Benetar from Pat's unplugged series
Pie : well Chris ripped off Live's "Walk the Line" and I don't care about that!
Weetabix : yes but he owned up to the fact that he ripped it off whereas she didn't
Pie : he owned up to it after he was called on it
Weetabix : although granted, Chris didn't own it until he got called on it Yes
Pie : I am feeling good about my placement of her in the pool, which is second place. Brooke is so top three, it's not even funny
Weetabix : I don't know. She's no Chickeze!
Jake : she should have sung Across The Universe
Pie : oh, that would have been great
Weetabix : that's true, though. she's totally and thoroughly not objectionable, she's attractive but not so attractive that you don't like her. She's not off putting.
Pie : she's cute, she sincerely looks like she's going to cry... "heartfelt" as Randy says.
Weetabix : she has Sephora's white eye liner on, which makes the tears really show up
Jake : I say third place. because I dislike her
Pie : "where America can feel your heart" in this case "heart" means "tits." if I'm reading Paula correctly
Weetabix : reading Paula is a bit like predicting the weather. There's an art to it. I agree with Simon, though, she supercedes karaoke
Pie : is she barefoot? oh, that's precious.
Weetabix : aw, Ryan let her use Dunkleman!
Jake : she's barefoot! she is dead to me
Weetabix : oh my god, I didn't notice that, I now loathe her BAREFEET! God, they made sure that it was on camera!
Pie : Dunkleman has been baptized in the tears of Brooke!
Pie : Ryan is going to put on her shoes!!! shoes!!
Weetabix : SHOES!!!
Pie : Ryan's foot fetish rides again!!!
Weetabix : ha! I enjoy that the judges are calling him on the shoe fetish!
Jake : that's amusing
Weetabix : she's not even vote pandering because she knows that she's bank

COMMERCIALS
Weetabix : it's the wine, that's what smells yeasty
Jake : uh huh
Weetabix : I just figured it out
Jake : I have heartburn from the Kahlua
Pie : I am drinking pumpkin beer, homemade by a student at the University of Colorado who is very nice. shoutout to Stan!
Weetabix : Oh, the Captain just has been enjoying pumpkin beer this week, not made by Stan though
Jake : Did Sara Chaulke lose a bet?
Weetabix : heee! I kind of don't like her, it's not even fair, but I've never gotten over the distrust when she took over as Becky Conner on Roseann about a decade ago
Pie : I feel EXACTLY THE SAME WAY about Sarah Chalke! I mean I also hate Scrubs, but I totally resent her for being Becky on Roseanne.
Jake : She's going to be on How I met your Mother
Weetabix : really?! NOOOOOO! Please tell me that's not true! She will RUIN that show!
Pie : yes, she is replacing Alicia Silverstone, who dropped out when she was told she had to act with Britney Spears. who is going to be on the fucking show.


DAVID HERNANDEZ

Weetabix : I wish they would show the stripper pictures during one of these montages, Oh, early Beatles
Pie : is David Hernandez talking about working at a pizza place? is that code for Dick's strip club?
Weetabix : heee hee!
Jake : He has a very small mouth, no wonder they fired him
Pie : I love this song, but he sings like a stripper.
Jake : this is terrible
Weetabix : take off the vest, David! and then the tie!
Pie : and watch him make lewd faces. they are embarrassing. TAKE IT ALL OFF!
Jake : he has no charisma whatsoever
Weetabix : G-string for votes!
Pie : the hands are waving again. but this time they're holding dollar bills.
Weetabix : he's annoying, I did not enjoy that performance. I was bored.
Jake : that was bad. worst of the night . THUS FAR
Weetabix : maybe if I would have seen him take bills in his teeth
Jake : I thought you said balls and I choked a little bit
Weetabix : well, that too. that would have been entertaining. Look at David trying to butter up Paula with his "I love you too"
Jake : I agree with Simon
Pie : "corny, verging on desperate." do you think Simon spends the entire performance coming up with these perfect bon mots?
Weetabix : no, I think it comes automatically if you're a rich British person. Everyone but Prince Charles just pops them out over there
Pie : either you two are really funny or I'm really drunk. I am still lauhing at "balls in his teeth" and "everyone but Prince Charles"
Weetabix : oh my god, George Clooney and John Krasinski?! I may have to go see that and it's about football, which I enjoy. Because I like frat boys
Jake : I heard you ovulating over in my time zone
Pie : but Squintyface is in it! they are fighting over Squintyface!
Jake : over who has to take her
Weetabix : is Squintyface in it? I thought it was her, but I couldn't tell
she's getting unrecognizable. Like Meg Ryan.
Weetabix : oh my god, the Taco Bell comercial is total pornography
Jake : news at 10! tha'ts probably why it's not playing here
Weetabix : interesting, there's a lot of phallic items and stropey long strands of cheese hanging from mouths

AMANDA OVERMEYR
Jake : it's Rogue!
Pie : ha! now I get it
Weetabix : we call her Nurse Ratched
Pie : I didn't know what the hell you were talking about with Rogue
Weetabix : you have to think like a geek
Jake : she's trying too hard
Weetabix : she does, without all the stuff going on, she's actually very cute. The stuff makes her look so old!
Jake : of course she has a harley. Dont' they pick their own songs?
Weetabix : on Beatles week, does it make sense to pick a song you've never heard before? they are supposed to, yes
Pie : LOVE THE PANTS.
Jake : she's toast
Weetabix : really?
Jake : and also Janis Joplin
Pie : do I have to give my weekly speech about how I dislike her voice and don't understand why she's in the competition?
Weetabix : I think she speaks to a certain very defined segment of the audience though. she's memorable. yes, give the speech
Jake : she's a 45 year old barfly
Weetabix : it's always a little different
Jake : doing a song that no one has ever heard before
Weetabix : maybe because she doesn't want the comparison to actual musicians?
Pie : this is probably my favorite of her performances, but I think she's very one-note. and maybe that works for Janis Joplin, but it doesn't work for her. (I don't think Janis Joplin is one-note, just for the record.) (also, I want those pants)
Jake : I'm stumped. She has two dads,
Weetabix : like Stacy Keenan?
Jake : perhaps, her "mom" used to be a man
Weetabix : Paul Reiser and Greg something? interesting!
Jake : Simon is very bitchy
Weetabix : they showed someone in the audience and I feel like I should have known who it was, but I didn't

MICHAEL JOHNS (AKA AUSSIE IN MY PANTS!!!!)
Jake : wow, it's AMERICAN idol
Pie : if he lost the accent and got a flavor saver and a combover, he would be Dane Cook
Weetabix : sorry, welcome to Weetapidol, where it's all hormones. You're going to be menstruating by the time Mo gets back from hiatus. hmmmm
Jake : I'll stock up on pads. Oh
Weetabix : oh my god, this is one of my favorite Beatles songs!
Jake : this is my favorite Beatles song
Pie : oh god, I just had six orgasms
Jake : thank god I have a laptop on my lap
Pie : hahaha
Weetabix : heee! I love this very much
Jake : he's got a Josh Grobin vibe
Weetabix : nooooooo! do not label him a Grobin!
Jake : okay,
Pie : don't harsh my mellow
Weetabix : ok, I love him. yeah, Jake, way to bring the room down
Jake : I'd hate to be his wingman
Weetabix : are you kidding? Just the collateral damage alone would have you in phone numbers for months
Jake : only to talk about him
Pie : I have already downloaded this MP3
Jake : hah
Weetabix : "Did Michael say anything about me?"
Jake : Paula is crying
Pie : Paula disagrees with Randy's critique because she has A VAGINA.
Weetabix : "Did he mention me? Does he want me to suck his cock?"
Jake : exactly
Weetabix : yes, she knows because SHE IS A WOMAN. Hey, how far down is Simon's shirt unbuttoned?
Jake : more, they've undone
Weetabix : was it unbuttoned that low before Michael came out?
Jake : no. he got a little warm and by warm, I mean erect
Weetabix : I think it was a surreptitious unbutton during the bridge. "showing us all the textures of performance" ie "show me your cock".

KRISTY LEE COOK
Weetabix : AKA CANNON FODDER. gah, changing 8 Days A Week into a country song? I'm afraid. there are so many violins tonight
Jake : jesus
Pie : oh man, cannon fodder is right. this is tragic.
Jake : my heartburn is acting up
Weetabix : wow, this is amazingly bad, I want the front row to get up and start line dancing, just to illustrate how tacky this is
Pie : the arrangement is horrible. her jeans might be worse.
Jake : she's going to be stripping in three weeks
Weetabix : you don't think that tattered jeans goes well with a sequined tank top?
Pie : trainwreck. oh god. WHY ARE YOU SINGING THIS SO FAST!! she can get David Hernandez's old job.
Weetabix : now this? This could have been done as a very nice unplugged slow ballad. That would have been a nice change up, I'll bet Dane Cook could have rocked the emo out of this
Jake : wow, Hee Haw called, and would like to audition her, well said everyone
Pie : that is the worst response Paula has ever given... she didn't even throw out a "you look pretty" to soften the blow.
Jake : it was a total face
Weetabix : don't blame Kristy's tragedy on Simon, Ryan Seacrest! I love it when Ryan talks back at him, though, it's so saucy. You can tell Simon likes it too.

DAVID ARCHULETA

Weetabix : he's adorable. I want to protect him, it's instinctual
Pie : here is David Archuleta, your American Idol
Weetabix : they shouldn't start on the stairs, ooooh! he forgot the words! of the song that he loves! crash and burn!
Jake : he's not very good, why is he favored to win?
Weetabix : he's normally much better than this
Jake : this is bad
Pie : yeah, he is like a cute young lad who can sing
Jake : theme park was better
Weetabix : I honestly believe that Chris Daughtry was the chosen one until he pissed off America with his sunglasses, and then we were stuck with Taylor
Jake : he couldn't get anything but chorus with that, if it was a slow day
Weetabix : yeah, it was pretty bad, sing in Randall!
Jake : paula has made many mistakes
Weetabix : well, and the sky is blue.

RECAP

Weetabix : so, who is our pick to be kicked off tonight? I forgot about Syesha totally
Jake : Hee Haw
Weetabix : I think people will feel bad for her and she'll get sympathy votes
Jake : Chikesie was good
Weetabix : I'm predicting the Stripper Boy, I hope Ferocia is safe, I'm not ready for her to leave my pocket
Pie : Syesha is gone, as far as I'm concerned
Jake : I like Ramiele
Weetabix : oh god, stupid Jason Castro
Jake : Douchebag was bad, I forgot how bad
Weetabix : he definitely wasn't good
Jake : oh Irish
Weetabix : Carly seems much better in montage, oh Dane Cook!
Jake : yes totally, god he was awful
Weetabix : nooooo!
Jake : I still want to punch him in the face, her too (ed. Note: he’s talking about Brooke) with her no shoes. it should be between Hee Haw and the stripper, not that I liked Rogue
Weetabix : agreed
Pie : I think Oliver is right that Hee Haw will get the pity vote
Jake : she should totally suck the talent out of someone
Pie : I think it will be David Hernandez or Syesha who is gone.
Weetabix : interesting! I just saw your pool picks, Jake, I hope that you'll be entering the pool too!
Pie : I wrote a whole rationale yesterday for it
Jake : I will, now that I know who is who
Pie : but I'm glad I waited, because I had Chickeze last, and there's just no way he's going home.
Weetabix : no, definitely not after this week
Jake : yeah Theme Park is going home
Weetabix : I must also reevaluate my own selections, it's very ponderous

Weetapidol Out.

3 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

Ok, unlike every other person with ears, I did not wholly detest Kristy Lee's "8 Days...".

I didn't like it, either. I have to credit her for a) having the set to do that (Macca is having his business agent killed) and b) actually doing something different. Like when Chris Daughtry did "I Walk the Line" and everyone, including me, was all impressed with his arrangment. Then, big scandal! It was Live's arrangement and I was no longer impressed. But nobody did it for Kristy Lee and so I am impressed.

Not a fan, but still impressed.

11:38 AM  
Blogger Shmuel said...

I actually liked Kristy's take on "Eight Days a Week."

And I don't get how it's supposed to be scandalous that Brooke's arrangement wasn't original. That's the default assumption on this show; it's all about performance, not in arranging the song yourself. The trick is to choose the right song, choose the right arrangement, and perform it well. This comes up every year; you'd think we'd be past it by now.

(As it happens, based on an interview with Ricky Minor [yes, that Ricky; he's the bandleader on Idol] she was originally going to do the song with the full band, but didn't like the way it worked, and switched to the stripped-down arrangement an hour before the show. Good call. Also a gutsy move. How does the fact that Benatar had done something similar make it worse?)

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Gah I was bored the entire show with the exception of David Cook and Brooke White.

~Shari

7:22 PM  

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