Thursday, February 28, 2008

Top 10 Girls: "I Just Want This To Be A Lesbian Anthem"

Weetabix: hellooo!
Pie: helloooo! I am paused on the beginning of Carly's montage
Weetabix: are you drinking of the wine?
Pie: no, I am eating grapes... I went straight to the source.
Weetabix: go!
Pie: we are jumping right in!

Carly Smithson
Weetabix: she works at an Irish bar
Pie: CARLY! I love Carly and her little accent
Weetabix: she is pretty awesome
Pie: I want to go to Ireland so, so much
Weetabix: we should go! it might be a big booze fest, but we should totally go!
Weetabix: ooh HEART! awesome!
Pie: is that who this is? I am so music ignorant
Weetabix: I'm pro her outfit!
Pie: her outfit is fantastic. I love the belt... and the Pat Benatar vibe
Pie: or the... whoever-is-in-Heart vibe
Weetabix: you know, my Halloween outfit two years ago?
Weetabix: Ann and Nancy Wilson. I was Ann Wilson…. who sings this, I think.
Pie: I am familiar with Heart because Carrie Underwood sang "Alone"
Pie: continuing to love Carly... I don't know this song but she's great.
Weetabix: I love that she's doing a hard rock kind of vibe
Pie: I am calling Carly and David Archuleta in the finals, and David winning
Weetabix: in the finals? WOW
Pie: I am making my pool pick right now
Weetabix: you are all in! interesting! think you're underestimating Ferocia and A'siah
Pie: I haven't seen them in a week. I have a short attention span.
Weetabix: Simon wants her to pant on his crotch
Pie: Dumbo ear! he wants to spank Carly
Weetabix: yes! oooh, Simon agrees with you!
Pie: Simon is saying she hasn't picked the right song, which is a good thing... she will peak later, when it matters more
Weetabix: that is true
Pie: remember LaKisha, who peaked early… around this time, in fact, with the J. Hudson song
Weetabix: that she did. you have to time the peak, apparently… Kelly Clarkson did that. she was a Team Who until 40's week.
Pie: so did Carrie "Robot" Underwood. The peak has to come in the middle.
Pie: if you peak at the right time, it will carry you into the finals

Syesha Mercado
Weetabix: aw, she's in commercials!
Pie: this looks like the worst commercial ever
Weetabix: oh, I always find that really creepy, when people do baby cries
Pie: as an actress, she's a great singer
Weetabix: yes
Weetabix: mmm, my wine is yummo
Pie: okay, Rachel Ray--what's the wine?
Weetabix: it's Moscato d'Asti, but in a blue bottle. not the One True Wine.
Pie: I would love this song so much if she had kept "Me and Mrs. Jones," ala Jack White and his cover of "Jolene" where he sings about someone stealing his man
Weetabix: I'm not loving this version of the song… and also, totally agreed
Weetabix: I mean, the "thing going on with Mr. Jones" doesn't even make sense, the point of Mrs Jones is that obviously she's cheating with the singer
Pie: well, Mr. Jones could be cheating
Weetabix: yeah, but the adultery is right there IN THE TITLE, that's why it's a brilliant song
Pie: I just want this to be a lesbian anthem
Weetabix: meh
Pie: she's got a good voice, she just didn't "connect" with me. I didn't feel it, dawg.
Weetabix: agreed… the version of that song in Bridget Jones' Diary is much much better
Pie: I'm surprised that master Randall agrees with me
Weetabix: I'm not. Randall tends to cosign
Pie: he does, but I figured I was underrating her
Weetabix: I think if anything, we're usually pretty sympathetic to the contestants. I should gather data, but I think we err on the side of optimistic compared to the trio
Weetabix: I think we fall somewhere between Randall and Paula
Pie: Syesha just said she "made it her own" and I don't think the contestants are allowed to declare that
Weetabix: agreed, they are not allowed to say that

Brooke White
Weetabix:see, now she doesn't have the perm tonight, so now I'm flustered
Pie: who, Brooke?
Weetabix: I had to watch for the crazy eyes to remember who she was
Pie: I don't remember anything about her
Weetabix: this is Mia Farrow Crying Nanny, right?
Pie:oh yes, that's right! I should have gone back to study my notes
Weetabix: guitars are the new black this season
Pie: I'm glad one of the girls has one, though. it would suck if it was just the guys who could play guitar.
Pie: oh, awesome song! I love "You're So Vain"
Weetabix: all the girls serenaded you with this at your wedding! Emily and Shawn and Shannon! I sang backup!
Pie: aw, shoutout!
Pie: this sounds like karaoke, speaking of my wedding
Weetabix: it sort of does
Pie: she is oddly perky while singing this, too… it's like she doesn't understand it exactly
Weetabix: and you're right, there's supposed to be some bitterness. it was the "You Oughtta Know" of the 70's.
Weetabix: I don't hate it
Pie: I don't hate it but... I don't like it. Come on Simon, vindicate me, say "karaoke"!
Weetabix: I redact my thought that we are nicer than the judges. come ON! he just loved it because she was making googly eyes at him!
Pie: he just likes hot blonde girls!
Weetabix: maybe? she's not that hot. I mean, she's pretty, but I wouldn't call her "hot"… she's approachable pretty
Pie: she is. I definitely like her as a person... no issues with her. but the song seemed like karaoke.
Pie: I mean it wasn't bad.... maybe I'm just wrong.
Weetabix: no, I agree, it was meh
Weetabix: and apparently thanking the band is the new black too

Ramiele "Ferocia" Malubay
Weetabix: Ryan Raps
Weetabix: and oh my god, nurse Ratched looking like someone's mom
Pie: oh man, she looks like MY mom
Weetabix: Go Ferocia! I want to hula! she's so adorable!
Weetabix: oooh, good song. I was waiting for the Disco… the BeeGees didn't count
Pie: I don't know this song either
Weetabix: you'll know it in a second
Pie: of course I do! I had to wait for the disco to kick in
[We listen]
Pie: I stand by my original assertion that she is no competition to Carly
Weetabix: oh my god! I just got SCREWED by my snack
Pie: did you slip and fall on it?
Weetabix: I just ate an entire little tub of hummus with pretzel chips
thinking, oh, hummus, it's beans and healthy! to the tune of 600 calories!
Pie: well those are 600 healthy calories!
Weetabix: I know, but jesus, I thought it was like a nothing snack
Pie: I agree with Randall that this was boring
Weetabix: I agree with Randall, even though I love her
Pie: I am sorry the snack thwarted you--I hate that
Weetabix: I haven't even looked at the chips! that's just the hummus!
Pie: I have hummus in my fridge and now kind of want some
Weetabix: Poor Ferocia… I hope she's ok this week
Pie: oh, Simon said she's in the top three vocalists, though
Weetabix: I know, but the voters don't care what Simon says
Pie: she, like, says, like, the word, like, like a lot.
Weetabix: yes, well, I don't care. I still enjoy her!
Pie: she'll be safe... the Hawaiians will vote for her since she did the hula

Kristy Lee Cook
Weetabix: did he say that Kristy McNichol was going to be up next?
Pie: Kristy Lee Cook, but Kristy McNichol would be cooler
Pie: oh she is the one with the cute little personal story
Weetabix: she's very pretty… she looks a bit like Keri Russell
Pie: she is... and I don't think she's lying about being a tomboy... unlike Pick Pickler who was all like "country girl" with her own hairdresser. and she does! Felicity!
Weetabix: isn't this another Carly Simon song?
Pie: I know the song, but have no idea. I think she's "pitchy." (I am trying again to say something the judges might agree with)
Weetabix: I've never really been able to figure out what "pitchy" means
Pie: to me it means some of the notes are good and some are not on pitch
Weetabix: I don't know, in my house, we call that "you can't sing"
Pie: hee
Weetabix: also, her rocker girl stance looks like she has to poop
Pie: maybe she can sing on the toilet
Weetabix: oof, that last note was definitely NO GOOD
Pie: I like her shiny shirt!
Weetabix: Paula just did a shout out: "Get in the pocket"
Pie: Thank you, Paula!
Weetabix: no Simon, no country route
Pie: I am feeling a total disconnect from the judges right now
Weetabix: Linda Rondstadt not Carly Simon
Pie: they seem to like people who bore me
Weetabix: Simon judges with his cock, so that explains that. Our lack of cock.

Amanda "Nurse Ratched" Overmeyher
Pie: Nurse Rached… are we spelling that right? NOTE TO SELF LOOK THAT UP
[Editor's note: We were not spelling that right.]
Weetabix: she's wearing a bandana
Pie: yes she is!
Weetabix: and rides a harley. Color me fucking shocked.
Pie: she likes to read biographies of rock icons... how many can there possibly be?
Weetabix: 14
Weetabix: there are 14 rock icons
Pie: hee
Weetabix: oh, already it isn't good
Pie: "reading is just, like, a really good form of entertainment"
Weetabix: I seriously am not feeling the hair
Pie: no, the hair, the pants.... oh god, this is a trainwreck
Weetabix: it's so not good
Pie: I hope people vote for her, though... because at least I'm not bored right now.
Weetabix: that's true
Pie: I have never liked her voice, but she is sucking with a capital S.
Weetabix: she could have picked a million other songs…Jefferson Airplane, something
Pie: oh man, Jefferson Airplane... I don't think she can pull off Grace Slick though.
Weetabix: yeah, maybe not
Weetabix: Heart, actually, she could have done Barracuda… Fleetwood Mac, she totally could have done Stevie Nicks
Pie: even the audience looks bored
Weetabix: they do
Pie: I can see the crowd-o-meter down in the yellow
Weetabix: some girls in the background were just chatting to themselves
Pie: the drummer is very committed to his drumming... she looks like she knows it sucked
Weetabix: it's so weird, because obviously they get teeth whitening for the show, but they have like, no orthodontia. so crooked but blindingly white teeth. her nose casts some kind of shadow on her upper lip that makes it look like she's got a Snidley Whiplash mustache…
Pie: I can't get past her Mrs. Frankenstein wig hair
Weetabix: agreed. the pants are also really awful. and I agree with Simon. Everything feels contrived… she's trying to make an image
Pie: yes, he totally nailed it with that comment
Weetabix: I do like her jacket though. That's nice.

Alaina Whitaker
Pie: oh, this is Schuyler Fisk
Weetabix: I don't like my food to touch either! ok, she's OCD! How adorable!
Pie: oh, this song...
Weetabix: Grease! Hopelessly Devoted To You!
Pie: yikes
Weetabix: Actually, that's what Nurse Ratched could have done. "There Are Worse Things I Could Do"
Pie: ka-ra-o-ke
Weetabix: which song would you do for 70's week? Did we figure that out last night?
Pie: no, we didn't. and actually I have no idea.
Weetabix: you can't do Happy Together, because that's 60's. I would probably do Dreams, by Fleetwood Mac. or maybe Gypsy
Pie: she is not pulling this off, I don't think
Weetabix: no, she's failing. SONG FAILED.
Pie: and she is trying to look sexy and it's not working for me. her lips are distracting… they make a little "o" when she leers into the camera
Weetabix: how do you become "relevant" on American Fucking Idol?
Weetabix: man, now she's mooching for compliments?
Pie: I would like to fast-forward this season until it's Carly and Asia'h vs. David and Michael Johns, and everyone else is gone
Weetabix: I'm sorry to tell you, Michael Johns is not going to last that long, as much as we enjoy him
Weetabix: I am sorry

Alexandrea Lushington
Pie: hey Lushington! I forgot you existed!
Weetabix: another Brother Gibb!
Weetabix: ooh, maybe I would sing Dan Fogelberg
Pie: I don't know who half the people are that you're mentioning. I'm very sorry.
Weetabix: Dan Fogelberg?! he's a genius!
Pie: I was going to mock her rendion of the Star Spangled Banner and then she started talking about 9/11 and I couldn't
Weetabix: I pretty much just rolled my eyes and glossed over that
Weetabix: what the hell is she wearing?
Pie: cargo shorts? and stilletto ankle boots? and a hoodie?
Weetabix: she's dressed like a skater chick?
Weetabix: the whole outfit is just so misguided
it's like she accidentally got Baby Xander's wardrobe
Pie: Baby Xander wears stilletto ankle boots?
Weetabix: there's a lot we don't know about Baby Xander

Kady Malloy
Pie: it's KADY
Weetabix: ok, whatevs
Pie: and I know this because I know someone named... oh shit, Kady O'Mally
Weetabix: you're shitting me
Pie: it's the same fucking name! one letter is moved around!
Weetabix: it is!
[Editor's note: It's spelled Kady O'Malley. Still pretty close.]
Pie: I enjoyed her Simon impersonation
Weetabix: OOOH! Heart!
Pie: and I love her wacky dress with rocks glued to it!
Weetabix: it is very strange, that dress
Pie: I am enjoying the black dresses over leggings this evening
Weetabix: she's not so much impressing me so far
Pie: Ian just came home and he says, "What are they doing to this song? She's not a man."
Weetabix: I think she forgot the words, or doesn't understand the song
Pie: I find many of these girls interchangeable, quite frankly. the three blondies and Lushington especially.
Weetabix: her faux Simon is right. She does sing opera better than she sings up there…. fully concurring with Randall. she's just not that great, she couldn't find the note.
Pie: and many of the contestants are being a little snotty to the judges, which I always find off-putting
Weetabix: yes, these are the people who put you on the stage, so you should be respectful
Pie: Ian just walked out of the kitchen with hummus. it's like he CAN READ MINDS.

Asia'h Epperson
Weetabix: I think Asia'h is adorable
Pie: I think I might have spelled her name wrong
Weetabix: just throw some apostrophes around in the're
Pie: ok'ay. she is very c'ute.
Weetabix: she flat ironed her hair!
Pie: I hate the look
Pie: you love it because of Bridget Jones!
Weetabix: yes, I do
Pie: the makeup and hair are failing as far as I'm concerened
Weetabix: agreed, she looks like that Scientologist chick who plays Carrie on King of Queens
Pie: here it comes....
Weetabix: I'm going to sing along
Weetabix: she fucked up!
Pie: did the mike just cut out?
Weetabix: I think her throat cut out… she's still awesome
Pie: she was singing apostrophes
Weetabix: H'A!!!
Pie: she "worked it out," but man that was a big fuckup!
Weetabix: she is dressed like a secretary though, and Randall is calling it out
Weetabix: ha! did you see that graphic? "Asai'h's friend." that made me laugh
Pie: hee. punctuation.
Weetabix: word nerd! Simon is harsh

Pie: Carly is head and shoulders above the rest of these bitches
Weetabix: yes, Carly had a great performance. I think she was the best of the night, actually. Syesha, not so much.
Pie: who's going home?
Weetabix: Nurse Ratched and maybe a generic blonde. Schuyler Fisk. I hope Ferocia is ok… she had a poor week. Felicty could go home and I wouldn't be upset.
Pie: yeah, ditto. I was going to say Nurse Ratched wouldn't go, but it was really so bad… I agree that Schuyler is going home. Lushington could go.
Weetabix: that's true… it would have been her skater outfit that would have sent her home
Pie: Kady could go
Weetabix: I would not be upset about Kady. I kind of hope Nurse Ratched doesn't go home, though. She's interesting
Pie: I would be unsurprised by... wait, don't we already know who went home? Wasn't that tonight?
Weetabix: yes, hold on
Pie: oh, the suspense!
[We ask the internet.]
Pie: Schuyler, Lushington, Robbie, and...
Weetabix: Lushington!
Pie: someone named Chasen Yager
Weetabix: ooooh, Carl! no, wait, that's not Carl… it's not the dreadlocked Jason …. I think it's skunk hair Chasen. and thank GOD that Robbie's gone.
Pie: yeah, no kidding. no issues with any of those boots, really
Pie: okay, we should find something clever to say here at the signoff
Weetabix: um, Weetapidol out?
Pie: Weet'apidol o'ut?
Weetabix: HA! hey, does this mean that next week is 80's week?
Pie: one can only pray
Weetabix: I definitely pr'ay
Pie: oh, apparently Nurse Ratched is the choice on VFTW, not that they ever make a difference
Weetabix: no, it hasn't
Pie: okay, gotta go!
Weetabix: ok! enjoy dinner!
Pie: b'ye!


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