Wednesday, February 27, 2008

Top 10 Guys: Freshly Showered In '70s Awesome

Pie: ok, I am paused on some chick with dreadlocks waving… I think it might be one of the contestants. And also, maybe a guy.
Weetabix: I'm still getting there
Pie: I don't even remember Guy With Dreads
Pie: there are too many of these little contestant things!
Weetabix: there are a lot of Jason and Davids… two of each
Weetabix: if we were playing Old Maid, this would be significant

Michael Johns
Weetabix: Aussie in my pants is first
Pie: there is a picture of his guitar
Weetabix: are we watching the same show?
Pie: I have no idea
Weetabix: Michael Johns is wearing shorts! playing tennis!
Weetabix: doing FLEETWOOD MAC!!!!
Weetabix: OH MY GOD!
Pie: oh good lord
Pie: what is the theme?
Weetabix: 70's
Pie: do you have a towel?
Weetabix: sorry, he's still not great… but seriously!
Pie: no, this isn't great at all
Weetabix: I was just watching vintage Lindsay Buckingham videos on youtube last night… ok confession
Weetabix: I would totally do Lindsay Buckingham
Weetabix: that's better than Dane Cook, right?
Pie: it is, because I'm not quite sure what he looks like
Weetabix: he looks actually a little like Michael Johns… imagine Michael Johns, but older, and maybe mixed with a little Andrew McCarthy
Pie: hot! this is a great song
Weetabix: I love this song
Pie: is he working it out a little bit?
Pie: or am I just loving the song?
Weetabix: I don't know, it's a great song.
Weetabix: and it's about a breakup
Pie: aw, and you just broke up with Dane Cook for Lindsay Buckingham, so it's totally apropos
Weetabix: Paula wants the Aussie in her pants. "I think you're already there" (in my pants)." And I think Randy is losing weight again
Pie: I think Randy is just dressed more flatteringly--once he busts out the referee stripes, he'll be back to normal
Weetabix: Paula just admitted she wants to fuck Michael Johns
Pie: she sure did… and knowing her, she may just do it before the season's done
Weetabix: there are some times to use your power for orgasmic good
Weetabix: wow, I sound just like a man about six decades ago
Pie: Ryan Seacrest is wee next to this guy
Weetabix: did you see Ryan surreptitiously touch his bicep?

Jason Castro
Weetabix: Jason Castro being freaky
Pie: in a montage? I have a freaky montage
Weetabix: yes. oh god, his eyebrows are compelling
Weetabix: like I don't even know what he looks like because I'm just watching his eyebrows
Pie: he looks like a lady
Weetabix: BeeGees?
Pie: wow, you aren't kidding about the eyebrows… they move up and down
Weetabix: talking it up, on the Barry Gibb talk show!
Pie: talkin' bout, crazy cool medallions!
Weetabix: heee! I was just thinking about that skit on my commute and it was making me smile
Pie: I am against this song, the hair, the eyebrows, everything
Pie: if Jimmy Fallon gets on stage I will forgive everything
Weetabix: I'd trade three dick in a boxes for JT and JF to do another BG talk show
Pie: that's an interesting exchange rate for dicks in boxes
Weetabix: yes, well, the dollar is weak
Pie: hee
Weetabix: I think he's one of those douchy guys who learned how to play guitar so that he could get laid
Pie: I think he's very earnest, actually… and yet it does nothing for me whatsoever
Weetabix: eyebrows! they are like little caterpillars on his face
Pie: hello little caterpillar face! I agree with Randy--"really just ok"
Weetabix: me too
Pie: I love how Paula gets cheers for saying "not that bad"
Pie: and once again she's like "well I'd fuck him, so.."
Weetabix: and Paula's hair doesn't make me feel stabby tonight… she's still having Aussie afterglow. and Simon is making Dumbo ear hands.
Pie: and again with the Dumbo-- is that some kind of secret signal?
Weetabix: I think so. it's "Tonight, Ryan, you will swallow and you will like it"
Pie: and here I thought it was a signal to America for how to vote!

Luke Menard
Weetabix: oh god, Luke, who is sort of gorgeous? Does acapella
Pie: I love acapella
Weetabix: really!?
Weetabix: I've only liked it, like, twice in my life
Pie: maybe I just love Andy on the Office
Pie: who can say?
Weetabix: it's a hard decision
Weetabix: Omg! Andy Bernard/Luke Menard!
Pie: OMG!!! we can call him Luke Bernard!
Weetabix: BEST SONG!
LOVE Queen!
Weetabix: I love 70's week!
Pie: he's got some cheekbones. yes, this is a great theme!
Weetabix: he is very good looking. I'm feeling it, even though he's only marginally talented
Pie: the background singers are kind of weird
Weetabix: he's actually better looking than the Aussie
Pie: is he? my nipples would beg to differ
Weetabix: would your nipples like to debate this issue?
Hmmm.... I would have to see him without his shirt
Pie: note to Luke Bernard: take off your shirt
Weetabix: he reminds me of Carl in Love Actually
Pie: the pop cult references are flying fast and thick! he is not swarthy enough to be Carl, however
Weetabix: speaking of which, the guy who played Carl? Played the main villian in 300… which was really strange, because he was mostly naked, 15 feet tall, bald and painted gold
Weetabix: it was hard to get my Carl on, is what I'm saying
Pie: hahaha
Pie: oh man, Ryan is gay for him… he just called him "Dawson's Creek"
Weetabix: yes, Luke is very Van der Beek… it was an apt comparison

Robbie Carrico
Weetabix: he needs to wash his hair, it's stringy
Pie: FUCKING BANDANA
Weetabix: oh my god, he's such a redneck. big surprise.
Pie: I don't think rednecks go on American Idol
Weetabix: BUCKY?!
Pie: he was a cornpone
Weetabix: PICK PICKLER?!
Pie: she was a... oh okay… you win.
Pie cut your hair, dude. (is long hair coming back? I do not approve.)
Weetabix: such a predictable song, jesus
Pie: who sings this?
Weetabix: Loverboy? That isn't 70's, that's 80's
Pie: I just asked Ian "who sings this song?" and he said "not this guy!"
Weetabix: hee
Pie: then he said "Foreigner"
Weetabix: it's NOT 70's though. make Ian say when it was
Pie: 1978
Weetabix: what?! really? I am astonished
Pie: Ian tends to be correct about these things. Also, that was kind of ass.
Weetabix: yes, it was ass. Agreed on the ass component.
Weetabix: Also, yes, Randall, cut him off at the knees, dawg!
Pie: I concur with Randall
Weetabix: is Paula wearing a cat o nine tails necklace?
Pie: it... kind of looks like it
Weetabix: some kind of bondage jewelry? wtf?
Pie: maybe that's where the Dumbo ears come into play
Pie: it means "Paula, later I will spank you"
Weetabix: is that the safe word?
Pie: I think the safe word is yet to be revealed
Pie: I love how Simon called him on being defensive… that attitude is not going to win him a lot of fans
Pie: be humble, dude
Weetabix: the safe word is "marigold jumper"
Weetabix: "peanut butter captain crunch" is Randall's
Pie: did you just find a safe word generator online?


Danny Noriega
Pie: oh it's that kid, that snotty kid
Weetabix: he was in a rock band and is gay. he didn't say that, but there's just more building evidence to same.
Pie: he is singing something earnest and terrible, and wearing an earnest and terrible sweater
Weetabix: yes, it's awful. and the hair, it's still bad… his nose is strange
Pie: wow, these are... not the right notes
Weetabix: "don't you remember you told me you loved me baby"… what a bad song. out of an entire decade, why would you pick this one. there were SO many good songs in the 70's!
Pie: I bet this song was pretty when Karen Carpenter sang it… everything was pretty when she sang it
Weetabix: she really did have an incredible voice. she is one of my top list of all time incredible voices
Pie: this kid is soooo emo. if there's an emo themed night, we're in trouble
Weetabix: OH MY GOD that might be the best night ever! but I have a weakness for Dashboard Confessional
Pie: Snow Patrol! bring it on!
Weetabix: yes! All American Rejects! to some extent!
Pie: Randall dispatches sound advice
Pie: (whenever I call Randy "Randall," I feel the need to use fancy old-timey vocabulary)
Weetabix: heee!
Weetabix: do you think Simon is all huffy and imperious at home? I find myself imaging Simon's home life sometimes
Weetabix: like, in the morning, over toast, does he take you to task for not using a clean spoon in the jam?
Pie: with, like, his serving people? or his mailman? or his dog?
Weetabix: no, with his fuck toy. it's the classy thing is to eat breakfast with them, you know
Pie: I love how he and his fuck toy are eating jam. Your brain is such a magical place.
Weetabix: sometimes. And I do enjoy toast, in every context.


Dave Hernandez
Weetabix: one of the Idolettes has paired brown plaid trousers with a black shirt. I do not approve.
Pie: why is he making orgasm faces? what is this guy's name?
Weetabix: Dave Hernandez!
Pie: DAVE HERNANDEZ!
Weetabix: sorry, I didn't CAPITALIZE IT
Weetabix: everyone's wearing dog tags
Pie: aren't there like nine Davids?
Weetabix: that is what I'm saying! so many D names!
Pie: also this guy is going for "sex appeal" and landing at "gas"
Weetabix: he's got interesting eyebrows. they make a fine arch. he's got a nice voice
Pie: your fixation on eyebrows is... new
Weetabix: no, I've always fixated on eyebrows. I am just expressing it now.
Weetabix: I'm getting a Bat Boy vibe
Pie: like Weekly World News Bat Boy?
Weetabix: no, like... who was the Bay Boy during Chris' season?
Weetabix: Not Kat or Taylor… Elliott? amin!
Pie: oh yes, Elliott!
Pie: Dave's voice is decent but his presentation is just... he looks like the face a guy makes right before he goes in for a kiss--that slack mouthed and kind of soft-eyed goofy cheesyness
Pie: Randall doth enjoyed it
Weetabix: notes right in the pocket! whatever that means! Ok Paula!
Pie: I think we all know what that means. "well I'd fuck him, so..."
Weetabix: it's not saying much that it's the best vocal of the night so far
Pie: rrooo rooooo! no. they have all sucked so far.
Weetabix: exactly
Pie: (sorry, Mr. Down Under)
Weetabix: although Aussie in my Pants? I'd suck... never mind
Weetabix: Oh my god, Ryan earns his money
Pie: he is very perky

Jason Yager
Pie: thank you for not being named David, Jason Yager
Weetabix: "Why were the 70's such an important decade, Paula?" "Because there were great songs" "I think what they're saying is... (blahety blah blah something that Paula totally didn't say)"
Weetabix: there are two Jasons too. skunk stripe!
Pie: montage: guitar piano guitar talking guitar talking and… go.
Weetabix: this song isn't bad
Pie: his skunk stripe is toned down
Weetabix: maybe the make up girls are hitting it with some mascara every performance
Pie: is he wearing a best friends heart necklace? that is kind of charming
Weetabix: I'm not hating this
Pie: no, it's not bad at all! he looks like he's having fun
Weetabix: even though I kind of don't like him that much
Pie: I love his half of a heart necklace
for some reason I find it endearing
Weetabix: I liked Jesus hands
at the end
Pie: okay he just bit his lip in kind of a goofy way
Weetabix: a supplicating Jesus
Pie: yes, supplicating Jesus hands--a new twist!
Weetabix: it is! He made Jesus hands his own!
Pie: I just realized at some point I am going to be too old to find any of these guys attractive
Weetabix: I wonder when that point will be?
Pie: It might be next week.
Weetabix: Simon harshed his mellow, man
Dumbo hand. has he always done this? the dumbo hand?
Pie: Paula's getting a spanking!
Weetabix: Paula? I was thinking Ryan!
Pie: our Weetapidollers will have to chime in
Weetabix: indeed
they are better at breaking the code than we are
I am sucking up right now
Weetabix: I have seen the Doobie Brothers in concert. they opened for someone, I don't remember. I think I spent most of the time in the beer tank
Weetabix: tent
Weetabix: Freudian!
Pie: I figured the "beer tank" was some kind of Wisconsin thing
Weetabix: we just go for a swim and drink our way out
Pie: ah, Wisconsin.

Chickeze
Pie: CHIKEZIE!
Weetabix: the explanation of his name!
Weetabix: Nigerian!
Pie: that is awesome. Ian wants to know "is that the guy from Love Actually?" he's thinking of Chiwetel Ejiofor, but he didn't know that movie had come up earlier! eerie.
finally, someone who can sing!
Weetabix: I don't really see the resemblance between Chikeze and Carl from Love Actually
Pie: Chiwetel Ejiofor
Weetabix: I have NO IDEA what you're talking about!
Pie: Chikeze, Chiwetel… nevermind
Weetabix: I enjoy chikeze1
Pie: does he have a 1 in his name?
Weetabix: that should have been a ! it should have been "I enjoy chickeze!"
Pie: I kind of like chickeze1, it's like his screen name
Weetabix: he's chickEzE1979!
Pie: well he rocked that, and it was refreshing
Weetabix: agreed. I feel freshly showered in 70's awesome
Weetabix: I don't know what that means
Pie: who cares? it's awesome
Weetabix: however, I would like to mention that I enjoy the resurrection of the double neon polo shirt. I've been waiting for that to happen
whoa, something else just happened
Weetabix: Chickeze pissed in Simon's cheerios
Pie: I missed entirely what he said, but his shirt is fantabulous
Pie: and he's giving a shoutout to the backup singer, which is charming
Pie: go, chickEzE1979Q
Weetabix: he's got a strange roll happening on the back of his head
Weetabix: I assume it's a hand rest of some nature
Weetabix: wait, I should NOT have typed that!

David Cook
Weetabix: Dane Cook! is a word nerd!
Weetabix: VINDICATING!
Pie: now I enjoy him
Weetabix: me too! Go Dane Cook with your bad hair!
Pie: he likes crosswords? SOLD.
Weetabix: and used the term "word nerd". but whoa, bad Bad Company song
Pie: and yet, there's his hair. and this... song
Weetabix: and the bad facial hair situation. is he really playing the guitar? it doesn't seem like it
Pie: he is playing it like people in Rock Band play the guitar
Weetabix: I'm watching his chords
Pie: maybe there are some colored buttons
Weetabix: exactly. It's really really fake
oh, but that riff might have been good
Weetabix: like he learned just how to do that one riff
Pie: his hair and his hands remind me of my guitar-playing ex, the Useless Shagging Bastard
Pie: I can't watch his hands… they are what doomed me with the Useless Shagging Bastard
Weetabix: is this going to make Weetapidol?
Pie: depends on what you're about to say!
Weetabix: because yes, sometimes hands? A good thing.
Pie: guitar-playing hands
Weetabix: I thought that the Aussie kind of reminded me of the USB
Pie: he has stage presence, this Dane Cook character
Weetabix: Dane Cook's t-shirt is really good for his arms
Pie: and he has the arms
Weetabix: jinx!
Pie: I also buy that he's a "real rocker." "really kind of believe him" too, Randall my man.
Weetabix: Paula also wants to fuck the band
Weetabix: oooh. don't tell Simon he's useless! Dane Cook! You're not doing yourself favors!
Pie: I know. you want Simon on your SIDE. have these people learned NOTHING?
Weetabix: apparently not
Weetabix: Simon's doing a version of Dumbo hand that is NOT Dumbo hand. I don't know, it's kind of like Satellite Dish Bangs.


David Archuleta
Weetabix: he looks like Eddie Munster
Weetabix: he sang Dreamgirls for his original audition?
Pie: he did?
Weetabix: yes! in the montage!
Pie: did he sing J. Hud's song? if so, that's pretty awesome
Weetabix: yes, "you're going to love me"
Pie: that is cheeky of little David
Weetabix: still looks like Eddie Munster
Pie: I've heard buzz about this performance. and they certainly are doing that split screen thing aren't they?
Weetabix: actually, scarily looks a lot like a young Captain Esteban
Pie: VOTING AUDIENCE, YOU WILL LOVE THIS LITTLE DAVID MAN
Weetabix: wow, really? you predicted that he was the chosen one
Pie: that is what the split-screen is saying
Weetabix: Grassy Knoll!
Pie: he clearly is
Weetabix: why is he wearing a Members Only jacket though?
Pie: I am going to look so smart eight months from now, when the finale airs
Weetabix: yes, I hope you pick him for the pool
Pie: he's got a lovely little voice… and the squeeing girls love him
Weetabix: he does! he has the possibility of cuteness! unlike Chicken Little
Pie: I did enjoy that. not as much as the split screen thinks I should, but quite a bit.
Weetabix: the split screen is the new Chris light
Pie: I will make a note of that!
Weetabix: oh my god, Randall loves it!
Pie: Randall is enthused over young master David!
Weetabix: Paula is losing her shit! "I want to squish you and squeeze your head off and dangle you from the rear view mirror"
Pie: I love Paula. "I want to dangle you from my rearview mirror" is the best thing she's ever said
Weetabix: I think it's an homage to "I want to put you in a snow globe"
Pie: true!
Weetabix: oooh, Simon loves him toooo!
Pie: and also, this kid is the chosen one by a mile
Weetabix: I still don't approve of the Big O stage, clearly
Pie: as far as the guys go, I don't see how anyone can beat him except maybe Chickeze129848y8
Weetabix: oooh, that would be a fascinating final two. but then I would miss out on the girls, who are all awesome.
Pie: yes, Carly! I love Carly!
Weetabix: or rather, a lot of them are awesome! Ferocia!
Pie: I have never heard such high pitched noises from the audience
Pie: I'm frightened.

Wrapup
Weetabix: ok, montage recap! who is going home? God, I hope it's Jason Castro
Pie: Jason Castro and... hopefully Emo Muppet
Weetabix: oh yeah, he's not good. I still enjoy Carl from Love Actually
Pie: oh, Robbie! I don't like him either
Weetabix: actually, Robbie could totally go and I wouldn't even remember him
Pie: I am guessing it will be Robbie and either Jason or Emo kid, probably Jason
Weetabix: I worry that no one is voting for David Hernandez because he's boringly good. Weetabix: Chason Yager could go too. I am bored by Chason Yager.
Pie: but, heart necklace!
Pie: according to Dial Idol, David Archuleta is in front by ten million percent
Weetabix: interesting! yeah, David had the pimp spot, plus the talent
Pie: he was good, that Baby Xander
Weetabix: that he was
Pie: plus the split screen… they're laying it on pretty thick
Weetabix: well, they love to glory hound, those Idoleers
Pie: any final thoughts?
Weetabix: Um, save the Aussie, save the world!
Pie: Roo rooooo!

Weetapidol out!

4 Comments:

Blogger Martha said...

My predictions for the boys getting booted tonight: Robbie Carrico and Jason Yager. For the girls: rocker Amanda Overmyer and one of the blondes - Alaina...

2:59 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

Dear Danny Noriega,

Why do you hate me? What have I ever done to you?

Sincerely,
Kim

p.s. That particular Carpenters song should only be sung with great emotion and irony by two men on a road trip to sell brake pads.

6:56 AM  
Blogger Eden said...

Lindsay Buckingham is also in my top 10. I saw them in concert about 5 years ago. We were in row N. It was the most orgasmic experience I've had with a man fifty feet away.

7:20 PM  
Blogger toxicfur said...

I was recently introduced to a Sonic Youth cover of that Carpenters' song. It's one of the creepiest and most haunting things I've ever heard. That makes the Danny Noriega version even more of a perversion.

8:41 AM  

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