Tuesday, March 18, 2008

Top 11: "I wanted to hit him with a prop."

Jake :Okay I'm on Ryan Seacrest. well, not literally
Weetabix :standing on a podium?
Jake :yes
Weetabix :ok! go!
Jake :Beatles again?
Weetabix :didn't we just do the Beatles? I'm feeling like Heather Mills McCartney. So over the Beatles!
Jake :Well, she did get some money
so Paul has to recoup that now
Weetabix :things on the Idol stage are very sparkly now
Jake :Ryan looks like a goodfellah
again, I feel sorry for ricky. Rogue! Did David almost curtsy?
Weetabix :I'm not sure how I feel about Seacrest's lack of a tie
and the black on black crime
Jake :I hate douchebag, also known as Dane Cook.
Weetabix :Yes, you need to specific, because I feel that description also fits Jason Castro
Jake :I was busy hating Dane Cook
Weetabix :don't hate Dane Cook. Is Ryan really explaining to us the rules of American Idol?
Jake :Yes and telling us Randy is Petite
Weetabix :I believe he said Fatigued
Jake :Simon just gave him a tell!
Weetabix :Simon winked again! Furthering the slash fiction inside my head
Jake :It means he will meet up with Seacrest in the mensroom
Weetabix :it means "Tonight, Seacrest, our theme is Reach Around"
Oh Paula... thank you for being the resident space cowgirl
Jake :Paula was all kinds of lucid there
I don't know what that means
perhaps she was crazy but I can now translate
Weetabix :You should probably be worried about that
Sometimes Simon surreptitiously picks his nose on camera
Jake :by er uh sing well, he means blow job
Oh, we have to be reminded about the beatles again
Weetabix :Listen, young of America, let us talk about ancient fucking history
I'm sorry, I love the Beatles, but if the kids these days actually need a reminder? I weep for our nation.
Jake :they are leaving out the heavy drug use and Yoko Ono
Oh wait, no they just did mention it. they left out Ringo's solo career and the Traveling Wilburys
Weetabix :They left out motherfucking WINGS
Jake :that's next week
Weetabix :Awesome, because Aussie is going to rock the hell out of Band on the Run

Jake :Rogue! she feeds off energy. she chose "Back in the USSR" because she loves America and hates Commies. the hick girl is PISSED. this is awful
Weetabix :I don't care for her voice
Jake :I've heard better karaoke
Weetabix :You know, it's weird, because she's actually a very thin girl
but her face? It's like she's pre-fat
Jake :she looks like, yes, give her a trailer and a colt 45, in three years it will become her coffin
Weetabix :She'll be browsing the aisles of Walmart, looking for Funyuns, trailing some snotty kids
Jake :and this song will come on the muzak, and she will shed a tear for what might have been
Weetabix :She's got to stop being so lousy. I have her going in a few weeks in my pool picks
Jake :yeah, that was awful
Weetabix :If she'd lose the skunk stripe, she might have more appeal, quite honestly
Weetabix :maybe dye it blue?
Jake :that might help. her "mom" used to be a man
Weetabix :it must have been a painful birth. Oh Paula "you are quintessential authentic... who you are"
Jake :Paula gave her nothing constructive
Weetabix :I agree with Simon... it was a mess and it's the same thing every week
Jake :Rogue, your song is like your hair! her voice is manlier than Seacrests
Weetabix :Again, boring is a good description. I mean, when Amanda's on the stage, I know exactly what's coming up. It's not more manly, it's just more destroyed. She sounds like she smokes four packs a day and screams a lot, which hurts the vocal chords. you can actually damage your vocal chords if you sing improperly

Weetabix :"You're going to be the girl with the crazy father who no one wants to date" Bad Syntax! Why would anyone want to date the father?
Jake :the focus guy looks and acts like Ian
Weetabix : Oh my god, the focus guy DOES look like Ian
I have no interest in watching Gordon Ramsey ever
does that make me unAmerican?
Jake :He's english
Weetabix :but it's an American show
Jake :I don't know then


Weetabix : Is a stool. Also, I hate her dress.
Jake :she will not age well. How come Rogue didn't get one of highlight reels?
Weetabix :she did, but she doesn't have much to highlight. Remember, it showed her wearing a kerchief?
Jake :I've already forgotten. Oh, that's right
Weetabix :when she's not bellowing, she's forgettable. also, already I hate this
Jake :hate the boots
Weetabix :and her nylons are way too shiny
Jake :she's cuntry y'all! that was an unfortunate typo
Weetabix :she's wearing a, forgive me for going Michael Kors, but a Mother of the Bride dress
that's been hacked off at the knees
Jake :it's not bad though, the dress, yes, but the song,
Weetabix :the song isn't doing much for me
Jake :I don't hate
Weetabix :she's using some restraint, which is, you know, unusual for this show
Jake :it seems to me like she's already lost in her mind
Weetabix :nice up skirt camera shot there
Jake : where's Ryan?
Weetabix :Randy is like "meh, ok, whatevs"
Paula "You picked some choices on the melody"
Jake :when in doubt, Paula compliments the look
Weetabix :you're learning. when she says you look pretty, it's totally a danger sign
Jake :she has a career in Branson though
Weetabix :Perhaps. The Weetpidol poll consensus has her going this week.
Ryan is afraid of her.
Jake :he was much closer to Rogue
Weetabix :Wait, what was the thing with Ryan getting hot?
Jake :I don't know, He had a jerk off hand though
Weetabix :Come on ,totally trying too hard, Ryan

Jake : He is very twee, and also his father is abusive. Yawn, Long and Winding road is boring
Weetabix :I don't know. I like it. Although when I worked at JCPenney, it would play every day at 11:30 am, so hearing it makes me crave frozen yogurt and an Auntie Anne's pretzel
Jake :Mmmh, pretzels. I'm sorry, but I don't see what this guy has?
Weetabix :He's Baby Xander! I don't know, it's the adorable geek thing.
Jake :This sounds like bad Lawrence Welk solo
Weetabix :you have to remember, my niece Abby? She's 9. She's voting right now like crazy.
The kids in her class? They're voting. We are not American Idol's voter. She is.
Jake :I don't think that was very good
Weetabix :I don't know, as for David's song, it was ok, dawg.
Jake :There's the abusive dad!
Weetabix :Randy seems to like it? Weird.
Jake :I'm behind you, hotness/ notness
Weetabix :I don't know, I thought it was ok, but weird. Maybe after Kristy Lee Cook.
Jake :Purity
Weetabix :Sometimes the disgust wafts off of Simon like a palpable wave.
Jake :WHAT?
Weetabix :what?
Jake : Paula just babbled a bunch of nonsense
Weetabix :Simon thinks he's amazing? ARE WE BOTH ON DRUGS?
Jake :Simon though it was amazing? I think so, actually, I'm not drinking tonight
Weetabix :Simon thinks it's "master class"?
Jake :Simon is wacky
Weetabix :Ryan thinks David looks stunned. Ryan must be looking at the audience, because I'm bewildered.
Jake :David's got a British smile
Weetabix :I don't know, I really like David, but that... it was there, it wasn't bad, but it wasn't a stunner. He's pre-orthodontia. I'm sure they'll fix that when they hand him the title.

Jake :I love shoes
Weetabix :heeee! Is this Old Navy?
Jake :I don't know, it's shoes
Weetabix :I recognize those patterns, that shirt! that was the shirt! that I just sent you in email!
Jake :and fashion pictorial, it must be. Yes
Weetabix :TOLD YOU!
Jake :Old Navy is totally working it
Weetabix :I was just shopping the site today
Jake :and working it well
Weetabix :they are! Again, the plus sizes sell out like fucking immediately, it's very frustrating
there's no waiting for something to go on sale anymore. waiting for clearance is like waiting for closing time at a bar. You might end up with something decent, but you might just get a bad case of crabs.
Jake : Well, it is Old Navy
Weetabix :I wore Old Navy today. I'm so ashamed. My favorite sweater is from there.
Jake :I have to say, I'm impressed with the direction they are heading
Weetabix :ok, not my favorite, but the one I wear a lot that I can wash at home.
their cashmere, though? Utter shit. Which you would expect, but still, they were original price, about what you'd pay for decent cashmere. I didn't pay original price though. Of course. I didn't trust them.


Weetabix :wearing a stupid hat. I don't like the porkpie hat, maybe because it's called a porkpie hat
Jake :yes, but the audtion song is good
Weetabix :it was, I wish you could download THAT on iTunes
Jake :oh, I like that song, Day in the Life
Weetabix :I don't think I know that one
Jake :yeah, it's way long, you do, it ends in the chaos
Weetabix :they Reader's Digested it? OH ! yes! I do
Jake :I read the news, yes, I love this
Weetabix :more than Across the Universe?
ooooh, he's so good
Jake :they are cheating
Weetabix :I'd love to turn him on too
Jake :Hee
Weetabix :I like this!
Jake :He's lipsyncing at times, like now
Weetabix :yes, I believe they actually record the audio at the dress rehearsal, and then lipsync during the performance
Jake :really?
Weetabix :yes
Jake :wait, though, how did David Arch forget the lyrics then?
Weetabix :because he forgot them during dress rehearsal
Jake :No way
Weetabix :that's my understanding
Jake :I thought it was very good, aside form the bad lypsyncing
Weetabix :but maybe the Weetapidol commenters will clarify and correct me
Jake :I feel betrayed
Weetabix :it was some bad lipsyncing. I noticed it before you said something too
see, now Paula’s saying that it sounds different during the actual performance?
see, I don't know. I'm very confused.
Jake :I thought it was good though
I'm so lost here, David was bad, especially compared to this
Weetabix : yes, I agree. This was enjoyable. It's Monitorgate!
Jake :Hee, this is so bizarre, Michael Johns pulls out the death card? Oh yes, FACE America! I DARE YOU TO VOTE ME OFF
Weetabix :The death card is nice if you think you're about to get voted off!
It doesn't work on America's Next Top Model, but it totally works on AI!
Jake :He was very douchy at the end
Weetabix :I don't care. I want to lick him.
sorry, I didn't realize I had typed that out.
I was speaking entirely for America there.


Jake :KLC was meh,
as was David Archeleta
I wonder if his dad will beat him
Weetabix :why do you think his father uses inappropriate force?
Jake :it's the rumor going round town, O-Town! Represent! yeah yeah
Weetabix :wait, he's from Everwood?
Jake :Murray, I think
Weetabix :I thought he was from some Otherwood
Jake :close enough
Weetabix :I'm not willing to watch a drama where David Boreanaz is not a vampire

Weetabix :this is predictable, I actually was surprised she didn't sing this last time
Jake : She's married?
Let it be was very good
but she needed to wear shoes
Weetabix :that goes for all things
Jake :She is also from Utah, I like Here comes the sun
Weetabix :she actually looks like she could be from Utah
again, I'm really not surprised that she picked this song
I like singing this song
but not listening to it
if that makes sense
Jake :it does
she's going to be the next American Idol
Weetabix :I think she's going to go very far
Jake :her stage movements are atrocious
Weetabix :She kind of dorks out when she dances
but it's approachable. It's non threatening!
Jake :she lip syncs better than the Aussie
Weetabix :that is what America wants from its idol.
I might be wrong about the lip syncing! I'm probably just jaded!
Jake :Aussie definitely did
that was awful to watch
pleasant to listen to
Weetabix :I agree with Randall, it was an awkward performance
Jake :it was
she's turning it around well
Self Deprecation
Weetabix :Paula?
Jake :what?
Weetabix :Paula "I love the yellow... for the sun!"
Jake :Paula hurts me
It was "performance" terrible
Weetabix :She looks like a camp counselor who never shaves her legs
Jake :but the singing was good
that whole exchange was as awkward as the performance
Weetabix :Again, I think America wants a slightly dorky idol.
Jake :she has a wonk eye!
Weetabix :Does she?
Jake :yes
Weetabix :I haven't noticed it!
Which eye?
Jake :first the shoes, now the wonk eye
I've picked her as my idol
but man
Weetabix :burn, Jake. BURN.
Jake :douche up next
Weetabix :he is NOT A DOUCHE!


Weetabix :RROOOO ROOO!
did Ryan really just refer to that screaming bunch of tweens as "the mosh pit"?
Jake :yes, Oh god, He doesn't look humbled
Weetabix :the comb over is so not good
Jake :Oh god, White Snake?
Weetabix :and he's taking a Whitesnake version?!
Jake :I told you he was a douche
Weetabix :not a douche, just misguided
Jake :he's holding the guitar like it's his cock, look at my cock America
Weetabix :do boys normally strum their cocks?
I'm learning so much from you
Jake :no comment
Weetabix :OH MY GOD, oh my, uh
Jake :he's strumming his in front of an audience
Weetabix :he's doing the Peter Frampton thing
Jake :this is awful
Weetabix :where he talks into the mic?
I hate that
Jake :I bet you the band is, He's guitar syncing, that was horrible
Weetabix :he was earlier in the competition, he actually played a little solo, but otherwise, he wasn't really playing
Jake :does America really need another Nicklback knock off?
Weetabix :I thought it was enjoyable, but would have liked it more if I didn't know it was a Whitesnake homage
Jake :yay Simon!, I agree 100%
Weetabix :Simon just agreed with you! Dane did look a little smug.
Jake :he just winked at Simon
Weetabix :whoa, Ryan offered to grab Dane
Jake :Ryan just went for his cock!
Weetabix :Ryan needs to put his mouth on Dane's unit, ha! he needed Simon's buy in for the voicebox thing!
Jake :that's awesome, because Simon didn't get it
Weetabix :what do you think about the rock and roll t-shirt, the suit vest and then the leather jacket?
Jake :with epilauts
too much
Weetabix :I don't like the vest
Jake :you don't wear a skinny tie AND a leather jacket with a vest and jeans
Weetabix :I didn't see the skinny tie
I was distracted by all the hoyay
as one is
Jake :true
anyway, when his hairline finally receeds too far to comb over and his chins drop
I'm sure he'll still be rocking
Weetabix :you're just hating
Jake :it's true
I hate the playah
not the game
Jake : Pickler?
Weetabix :ugh
Jake :Did she win last year?
Weetabix :no, and it was two years ago, she haunted us for weeks. she's a hick. a red neck. And she's awful.
Jake :what is Paula talking about? reverse shots?
Weetabix :I totally don't have any idea what she's talking about.
Jake :Neither do I


Weetabix :I enjoy Carly's eyebrows
Jake :Black Irish! and then he forgot her name! You're the next Kelly C! Who are you again?
Weetabix :HA! She's singing Blackbird! I enjoy this song. because I grew up with Hippies.
She's got a very Sarah MacLachlan vibe going
Jake :oh her voice is good, her tattoo is awesome
Weetabix :I rated her low in my pool picks, because I think she's going to be the heartbreak cut way too early. but really, she's must amazing
Jake :she really was
Weetabix :holy shit! Her husband's face is tatted!
Jake :that was absolute awesome! I saw that! I'm so jealous of tattoos
Weetabix :you should get some of those nylon sleeve things
that's what Brad Pitt wears in Oceans 11, 12, and 13. I love this! This performance is amazing.
Jake :she's perfect
Weetabix :Simon touched his nipples!
Jake :I think Simon is afraid of his emotions
Weetabix : Simon thinks the song is indulgent?
Jake :Simon is crazy. Carly's husband? He's all Maori warrior! the husband had tribal tattoos on his face
Weetabix :I would never ever tattoo my face!
holy crap, she tattooed 7 on her finger!
Jake :she tattoed her number?
Weetabix :what is she going to do when it gets down to 6? It's also season seven so it still works
but even if she becomes a Who in five years (Justin Guarini anyone?) it's not like a random 7 is a big deal

Weetabix : Ok, I may have to take my niece to see Nim's Island. Gerard Butler is hawt
Jake :I'm sure he'll be shirtless
Weetabix :and I'll bet that he's not wearing a shirt in a lot of the shots
Jake :indeed
Weetabix :I sat through 300 because a shirt never touches the man through the entire movie
Jake :I liked 300. THIS IS AMERICAN IDOL! Instead of “this is Sparta”?
The moment of truth is awful looking
Weetabix :that woman has to be a plant, come on, the guido boyfriend?
Jake :more so than an intelligence test admined by foxworthy

Jake :He's also a douche
Weetabix : also a douche, agreed, Oh, fuck no, not Michelle
Jake :I hate the song choice
Weetabix :he's got an iPhone
Jake :they all probably got them, the swag is probably amazing
Weetabix :I sort of love that Ryan pulled out the French.
I hate Jason Castro
Jake :as do I
Weetabix :Seething white hatred. I think I hate him more than I don't like Kristy Lee Cook
Jake :clap if you want a Ford Focus
I would like a stage light to fall on him
I would like to see brains and bone on the stage
Weetabix :the stupid eyebrows make me insane
wow, you're feeling very... non zen tonight
I love that some audience wrangler pulled the three girls with Jason signs up to the front
"No, you! come up here!"
Jake :that or to have his dreadlocks stuck in the van door, only the driver is listening to Tupac and drags him all the way home, on his face, and he's got bloody stumps
Weetabix :that would definitely make headlines
Jake :I mean he'd get the pity vote as well
Weetabix :that he would
that one girl, the blonde in the leopard? She looks about 40.
Jake :yeah
Weetabix :that's inappropriate Jason Castro love
Jake :Paul is pissed because he wasn't singing to/about her
Weetabix :I think he grew the locks to distract from his beak
Jake :he's totally obnoxious, they just musiced the judges off the stage
Weetabix :that's because the Judges are all taking brown acid tonight, but Simon's right.. Jason kind of can't sing. He's just got charm.

Weetabix :I find Donald Sutherland's voice very soothing, talking to me about the orange juice in my life, he's almost but not as good as Gene Hackman or Lily Taylor
Jake :it's so true! I would like him to be my on hold voice. your call is very important
Weetabix :. oooh, that would be good, I would actually like Emma Thompson to be mine
Jake : Ooooh! That's aweesome
Weetabix :can you imagine singing your voicemails to Emma Thompson?
Jake :I now want her
Weetabix :you can't have her, she's mine
Jake :damn it!
Weetabix :I'll consider trading if you trade me your dream bassist for your fantasy band.
Jake :no deal! Kim Deals is all mine
Weetabix :YES! DEAL! well, then no Thompson. I'll bet Lea Thompson is free
Jake :I still have Barry Humphries to leave my thank you notes, I'll get by
Poor Lea Thompson, she lost out on the earings and also, the career

Weetabix :ROOOO ROOO! Oh Syesha, whom I totally forgot about
Jake :that's a much better look for sayesha
Weetabix :! oh, you're just saying that because of the boobs
Jake :also, she loves the punch out earring, I like boobs
enjoy because she's going to be gone this week
Weetabix :she hasn't even sung yet! you can't just call that before she even sings!
Jake :I call it!
Weetabix :I'm holding out hope that it will continue to be Kristy Lee Cook!
Jake :damn
Weetabix :oh man, not Yesterday
Jake :that's a good song
Weetabix :I was hating on this song last week
Jake :America will respond well
Weetabix :I used to love it to death when I was a kid
Jake :I feel dirty
Weetabix :I had it taped on my little hand held tape recorder, that I taped off of our Volvo's cassette deck because it was our only other tape player, and my mom's boyfriend wouldn't let me take his cassette to school
Jake :this is bad, i'm glad I called it
Weetabix :no, the performance isn't good, I think the cleavage will save her
Jake :it might
Weetabix :cleavage versus legs, the cleavage always wins, it's like rock paper scissors, T, A and legs
Jake :this is painful, I mean Dreadlock McDouche did better, and I wanted him to be killed by a prop
Weetabix :that was not a good note
wow, Randy liked it?
Jake :what? he liked the boobs
Weetabix :Seriously, dub to the Tee to the EFF?
Jake :the only thing I would work on is LEARNING TO SING
Weetabix :Simon thinks it's her best performance!
Jake :I don't understand?
Weetabix :Wow, he thinks Brooke should have sung this? that's a pretty good call
I agree with him, it was a much better song than Here Comes the Bloody Sun

Jake :yay
Weetabix : Oh yes, last week's argyle! that was a good week. did I ever tell you that I once made a pilgrimage to John Lennon's death site? I must have told you that when we were in NYC last year
Jake :No, no you did not
Weetabix :it is true
Jake :I'm not familar with this song
Weetabix :my Tivo freaked out so I don't know what this song is, or even what the title is
Jake :something about seeing a face
Weetabix :seriously, I think he's playing good game by picking all of these songs that no one has ever heard of, OH YES! I do know this one, wait, and now it's changing up? and there's harmonica?
Jake :oh god
Weetabix :weird! I kind of like Chickeze!
Weetabix :I like it more than David Archuleta
Jake :he sounds like Guster
Weetabix :I like Guster too, so take that with a grain of salt
Jake :the change up was strange, I like Guster
Weetabix :it was abrupt
Jake :I did not like the shift, it should have all been like the back end
Weetabix :but I like the song overall. It was a good performance. he has charisma!
More charisma than Jason Fucking Castro
Jake :true, I agree with Randy
Weetabix :why does Simon always stare off into the audience?
Jake :I will have to break out the FUBU
Weetabix :Hmmm, Randy thinks he should sing fast more often, while Paula thinks his ballads are lovely
Jake :he did both and I agree with Simon about the bad harmonica. it was schizophrenic, it was gimmicky
Weetabix :Agreed, it wasn't as good as last week, and it was gimmicky, but I just don't care. I still liked it.
Jake :I liked the achy breaky part, I liked the second half

Jake :I liked her last week, the judges, did not
Weetabix :Brooke could swallow her whole! Brooke is a giantess next to Ramiele!
Jake :I know
Weetabix :bad first note and I hate her outfit
Jake :she should have known better to sytle herself better, this is bad
Weetabix :seriously, she looks about 2 feet tall, it's not good
Jake :heee, she did the Asian Hooker walk!
Weetabix : and you would know what that is because....?
Jake :i have been to Asia, many places in Asia… all the hookers walk the same… and they drive mopeds
Weetabix :maybe it's the tall shoes? and the short legs?
Jake :I think that has something to do with it
Weetabix : lower center of gravity, that kind of thing
Jake :see, now this conversation is far more interesting than Ramiele's performance
Weetabix :this is true, and very telling, Randall says it's a'iight though, and Paula thinks it was better than last week
Jake :I disagree
Weetabix :but is remaining silent about what she's wearing
Jake :last week I liked, this week, I would rather talk Asian hookers
Weetabix :well, that's hard to compete with, most of our elected officials would also rather talk Asian hookers

Weetabix : who do we think is going?
Jake :Rogue was forgettable and bad, I did not mind Cook
Weetabix :they keep showing KLC at the worst angles
Jake :in retrospect, Archuleta was bad
Weetabix :I think David Archuleta is safe, same with Michael Johns In My Pants
Jake :bad lipsycing, it might hurt him but I liked him
Weetabix :I don't think anyone else noticed it, except you could see it in the recap
Jake :Brooke is going to win this
Weetabix :Brooke is safe, for certain, Dane Cook is safe too
Jake :god, I want to punch him in the face, and then degrease my hand, with Dove
Weetabix :seriously, though, the hair is going to start turning me off very quickly
Carly was so awesome
Jake :she was
Weetabix :she's my favorite of the night
Jake :my favorite of the night… heee!
Weetabix :jinx! I would like to similarly punch Jason Castro
Jake :I think he was taped? there was no bulge in that unfortunate camera angle
Weetabix :Syesha was kind of forgettable
Jake :Syesha was awful… She should go but I think Cleavage will save her
Weetabix :Chikeze basically did the same performance as last week
Jake :Chickeze will be safe at least another week
Weetabix :agreed on the cleavage defense… I fear for Ferocia
Jake :I think bottom 3 for Ramiele
Weetabix :that's probably a safe bet
Jake :I'm going with her or Rogue
Weetabix :my idea bottom three would be (sniff) Ramiele, Amanda and Kristy
Jake :I think so
Weetabix :but Syesha could be in there too… tough one! What will you do, America? What will you do? So, any closing thoughts?
Jake :Uh, I liked Blackbird
Weetabix :heee! Agreed!



Blogger Eden said...

I like Aussie In My Pants but that was the worst last night. He mixed up the words (and the point when he did was what they showed in the recap at the end), missed the notes and just basically made a mess out of what might just be the best Beatles song.

My thing is I don't know who's stupider: Kristy for saying she picked her song based on the title or Jason laDouche for thinking the lyric was "my bell." I think if you're planning to be a musician, singer, whatever, you should have some general idea about Beatles songs. Gah.

3:33 PM  
Blogger Shmuel said...

"I believe they actually record the audio at the dress rehearsal, and then lipsync during the performance"

I think you're just messing with Jake's head, but if not... no, there isn't a shred of truth to this.

7:49 PM  
Anonymous Jake said...

I knew it! Ms Bix does that from time to time.

Also, I believe that Micheal (AIMP) was the only one lipsyncing.

1:49 PM  

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