Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Top 2: The Cock and the Schlock

Pie: I am here!
Weetabix: hi schmoopie
Pie: hi hi hi
Weetabix: ok! we are t-minus a minute!
Pie: I am paused on excited looking girl crowd, by the way... some girl in pink pointing to herself
Weetabix: woo girls?
Pie: they did say woo... they did indeed "woo"
Weetabix: Adam looks cuter without make up I have to say
Pie: THERE IS ADAM LAMBERRRR!
Weetabix: I like Adam a little gritty
Pie: THERE IS KRIS! I also enjoy Kris.
Weetabix: I am not so much with Kris... mostly because he's causing me to tank the pool
Pie: their little friendship is so cute
Weetabix: their bromance?
Pie: their AWESOME BROMANCE
Weetabix: I sneer at their bromance! I think Kris is riding Adam's coattails!
Pie: no, they are so cute!!! Kradam 4eva!
I have to say Adam says "I am the next American Idol" with way more conviction than Kris
Weetabix: I love how Ryan is trying to pretend like this is a demographic opposite pairing
"the guy next door versus the guyliner"
Pie: "Conway vs. California" as if "Conway" is a state
Weetabix: the white guy versus the WHITE GUY!
Pie: hee! one of the many white guys vs. ANOTHER ONE OF THEM!
Weetabix: Simon looks very chest-hair-licious... which is not a word, but still
Pie: Ian keeps rolling his eyes at everything Ryan says
Weetabix: Adam's wearing some kind of metallic chain fall?
Pie: I love you, Adam Lamberrrrrr!
Weetabix: I love that I can fit this entire bottle of wine into my wine glass
I'm drinking Bonny Doon's Viognier Doux tonight, which pairs well with my Double Stuff'd Oreos
Pie: I love that I can fit Adam's entire.... um... into my... I mean....
Weetabix: and you were chastising me for my PG-13 texts regarding Mr. Gokey?
Pie: I want Oreos a lot! but I am drinking Sauvignon Blanc that was in my fridge.
Weetabix: and also, I think he's a grower, not a shower
Pie: um, "I want to sit on his face" is not exactly PG-13
Weetabix: I don't remember saying that!
I remember talking about his peen. That was about it.
Pie: oh you said that. I will go to the tape if I have to.
Weetabix: GO TO THE TAPE! I demand veracity
Pie: which one is a grower? because Adam is a shower, I have proof of that too.
Weetabix: I want the proof! PROOF! is he on full frontal friday?
Pie: http://idolforums.com/index.php?showtopic=594603&st=3840&p=19909002&#entry19909002
Weetabix: Um, that is SO stuffed. but still, nice ass.
Pie: whatever, I love him.
Weetabix: I don't think your love should be predicated on the size of his organ. You should love the man, not the unit.
Pie: oh, shit. I got married for the completely wrong reasons, didn't I?
Weetabix: that happens to the best of us, honey

Weetabix: anyway, back to the supposed Gokey tapes, I found out just last night from Mr. Jake that apparently Gokey is a WIDOWER!
So now I kind of doubly want to have PG-13 time with him
Pie: how did you JUST NOW discover this?!?
Weetabix: I don't know, I live in a box, apparently

ADAM LAMBERT, “Mad World”
Weetabix: onto mr lamberrrr
he is repeating Mad World!
Pie: Mad World reprise!
Weetabix: yay!
Pie: I love the dry ice!
Weetabix: I really loved this performance the first time... I downloaded that shit off of the iTunes, doncha know
Pie: and the turned up collar is hot.
DRY ICE. fake moon in the background! this is smart because it got cut off the first time, and maybe some people did not see it
he looks so BROODY AND INTENSE.... also, DRY ICE
Weetabix: Yes, he's broody and sensitive. It's my crack. Also, dry ice is the new Chris Lights.
Pie: Ian is impressed that "he knows when to physically not emote"
Pie: I wish they weren't doing reprises for the finale, but if they had to, that was perfect
Weetabix: agreed. But again, I really just love the song. A lot. And his version is amazing.
Pie: Anthony Hopkins? looking all teary eyed for Adam? um, surreal.
Weetabix: Awwwww... there was my Gokey, in the audience, wearing his glasses and a white t-shirt. It's like he's CALLING to me.
I think I'd do Gokey over Daughtry, actually.
Pie: I don't even know you, man.
Weetabix: I'm sorry, I have a TYPE ok? I can't help myself.
MFK: Lamberr, Ace Young or Daughtry.
Pie: easy! K Ace, F Daughtry, M Lamberrr, no contest
Weetabix: Really? Kill Ace? It's like you've grown as a person since we started Weetapidoling!
Pie: Daughtry seems hot but kind of like an asshole.... but hot! and Lamberr is gay, so.... would be my gay best friend husband.
Ian wants to know if we can call and vote for Adam yet. I think I know who he's picking for his MFK.

KRIS ALLEN, “AIN'T NO SUNSHINE”
Pie: I love this peformance of Kris's also
Weetabix: I'm sorry, Kris, even with the Dan Humphrey outfit, you're still doing NOTHING for me.
Pie: he sounds great though. I love both of these guys... little Castrochuleta. who would have thought we would be here today?
Weetabix: Certainly not me. I predicted that he would get 11th place in the pool!
Pie: what did the Hive Mind predict?
Weetabix: that blonde chick and Adam as a finale
that blonde chick with the pink in her hair? I can't remember her name. How sad is that.
Pie: Alexis!
Weetabix: Alexis, yes. Comparing the two reprises, Kris' version pales against Adam's.

Pie: but I meant where did the Hive Mind predict Kris would land?
Weetabix: huh, let me check
Weetapidol Hive Mind agreed with me: 11th place
Which proves it: Kris Allen signed a pact with the devil to win our hearts.
Pie: Paula looks so weird and tan... and weird... like Lindsay Lohan's crazy drunk tan aunt
Weetabix: I think it's so cute that the judges are pretending as though Kris has a shot with this competition.
Pie: he does, you know.... he is ahead on Dial Idol
Weetabix: really?! that's insanity
Simon just called it for Kris! eeek
Pie: Simon just called round one for Kris? that's crazy. it was totally a tie.
Ian says "I don't even know that guy's name, and it was good."
Weetabix: Not even a chance: Lamberr for the win

Weetabix: commercials... Oreo
Pie: GIVE ME AN OREO
Weetabix: paused with Ryan in audience, Live and PG/DL logos
Pie: I am paused with no Oreo. technology, you have failed me.
Weetabix: by the way, I think my Finale invitation was lost in the mail. I'm very upset about that, Idol producers.
Pie: mine was also misplaced... probably because we moved. I bet they sent the finale helicopter to our old apartment.
Weetabix: there are various handsome people in the audience
but no one I recognize


ADAM LAMBERT, “CHANGE IS GONNA COME”
Weetabix: Adam, wearing a suit with a poorly chosen tie
Pie: not as poorly chosen as Randy's (she says, without even looking)
this is such a cool song choice
Weetabix: it's a push for him, I think
I don't know that I like it
Pie: this is by Sam Cooke. I definitely like it. it's all mellow and cool.
he's building to a loud part! go Adam go!
Weetabix: by the way, Jake is calling Adam my "gay Vampire Lestat boyfriend"
Pie: he is my sparklepire. you can have Danny Gokey.
Weetabix: I will happily make that trade, madam.
Pie: I love this song because of the secret hidden meaning of GAY POWER.
Weetabix: one only hopes
Pie: oh, I wish that tie did not have a pattern on it.
Weetabix: if I take that meaning, then I enjoy it more. OVERTURN PROP 8, PEOPLE!
oh my god, Randy's tie is going to give people seizures.
Pie: but seriously, look at Randy's whole fucking outfit. stripes AND dots AND plaid.
they loved him! I loved him. that ruled.
Weetabix: Scott MacIntyre is in the audience. He doesn't realize how lucky he is to not see Randy's tie.
Pie: hahahaha
Weetabix: Paula had a mini spaz out. It was like a Bring it On moment for a second.
Pie: and Adam is Sparkle Motion. oh wait, wrong movie.
Weetabix: which movie is that? I want to watch THAT movie!
Pie: ADAM LAMBERRR! YOU WERE AWE TO THE SOME.
Weetabix: Seriously, Simon's button down is unbuttoned TO HIS NAVEL
I always thought that was a guido joke, but it is seriously unbuttoned FIVE TIMES
Pie: Ian wants to know why I did not get a phone with an east coast number so we could vote for Adam. Ian has a mancrush.
Weetabix: you need certain numbers to vote? that's just crazy talk.
Pie: Ian only approves of Kris Allen if he is going to become Adam's gay lover
I just told him there was Kradam fanfic
Weetabix: there is? You MUST LINK THE KRADAM FANFIC!!!
You can't show me a picture of his stuffed spandex and NOT link the Kradam fanfic
Pie: he just said... I swear this is a direct quote... "is the fanfic like, 'hey, get your dick out of my mouth so I can sing!'"
Weetabix: HA! Reader, I lol'd
Pie: I have not read the Kradam fanfic. I have not sought it out. Just the cute pictures of Adam and Kris and their bromantic nail polish.
Weetabix: Kara looks pissy tonight. Like she knows it's her second to last day of work.
Pie: hee!
Adam "came back strong" as if he was not awesome in "Mad World"

KRIS ALLEN, “What's Going On”
Pie: this is a great song
Weetabix: did he just forget the words?
Pie: I didn't notice Ian says "F! he's out! wrong tone!" I'm sorry your man-lover is not singing, Ian.
Weetabix: he's totally off key
Pie: yeah, this is not terrible, but nowhere in Adam's league
Weetabix: No, it's Top 13 league, not Top 2... not even bongos on the stage can save this
Pie: here is a whole Kradam livejournal: http://community.livejournal.com/kradam_ai/
which I went and looked up instead of listening to Kris
Weetabix: I kind of love that Simon Fuller gave them the same genre of music, so it was a stretch for both of them
Pie: that is an excellent point
and here is a porn Kradam fic: http://dark-orion.livejournal.com/31289.html#cutid1
Weetabix: excellent... something for apres-finale


ADAM AND KRIS, “Kara's Shitty Coronation Song”

Weetabix: paused with Adam sitting with the Also Rans (and also Gokey)
ha! Scott isn't looking into the camera, but rather, 50 degrees to the left
Pie: well how does he know! it's not as if the camera chirps.
Weetabix: Someone points his head in the right direction, maybe?
Pie: Hmm.
Weetabix: Kara wrote this. I hope it doesn't suck.
What else has Kara written? Anything of note?
Pie: She wrote "Pieces of Me"!!! by Ashlee Simpson!!!
Weetabix: really? I like that song on Karaoke Revolution! When you sing it!
Pie: Adam in a sexy black outfit.
Weetabix: it's got a beaded situation
Pie: it does have a beaded situation... there is no other way to describe that situation
Weetabix: Also, are those snakeskin jeans? With a double wallet chain?
The song doesn't fit Adam's voice at all.
Pie: Ian says this is the worst song he's ever heard. but he has not heard "Inside Your Heaven"
no, this song does not suit Adam's voice, and in fact kind of sucks. it's no "Pieces of Me"
Weetabix: nothing is, Mopie. Nothing is
it's too inspirational. It needs to be angsty and full of weltschmerz
Pie: weltschmertz! check out the German!
Weetabix: I iz bilingual!
ich bin! ich bin!
ich hast keine wine. Ach.
Pie: hee!
I am trying to figure out how to write a sentence that uses both "schadenfreude" and "zeitgeist" but it isn't happening
Weetabix: you can do it, Mopie!
Pie: how are the judges going to avoid saying that song sucks?
"so that performance... was good... but the song..."
ha! Randy went for: "you can sing anything"
Weetabix: Randy is all "you're a good singer! The song... you were pitchy!"
Pie: Kara is namedropping the people who wrote that terrible song!
Weetabix: Kara's making it all about her!!! Wow. That was classy with a K, as Jake would say.
Pie: Paula and her adjectives. I love you, Paula. Paula is also breaking out "you can sing whatever! even that piece of poo!"
Weetabix: The piece of poo right there! With the fly on it! You're wearing a shirt!
Pie: And now Simon is mocking the song! god bless you, Simon. Simon is just like, fuck it, I will talk about Adam the Phenomenon, not Kara's Crappy Song.
Weetabix: Does Adam have his ears pegged? Or is that just a really big earring?
Pie: I don't know about Adam's ears. one day, in a bar in West Hollywood, I will nibble on them. and I will let you know.
Weetabix: I'm sure they will taste like candied apricots... sexy apricots, of course
Pie: aww yeeeah
Simon believes in Adam with all his heart. I didn't even know Simon had a heart!
Weetabix: Maybe he's saving the crappy song commentary for Kris.
I have to say, having seen Adam's three songs, there was nothing amazing here for a finale.
Pie: but.. ADAM LAMBERRR!!!
I thought the first two songs were amazing.
Weetabix: It's not his fault. He only picked one of the three songs, but still.
I thought the second song was forgettable.
Pie: Kitsch! Wanderlust! Volkswagen!
(I am still working on the Deutch.)
Weetabix: Sucks to be Kris, though, to have to basically resing the crappy song that Adam probably just sang better. Gesundheit!
Pie: hee!


Pie: I feel that during this show we have really seen Kris and Adam coming of age as artists. AI season 8 was a bildungsroman, as it were.
I DID IT! GERMAN!
Weetabix: NICE! Well played!
Pie: except that's the wrong word. kunstlerroman, I meant!
Weetabix: We'll edit it in post.
Pie: heh. Now Kris Allen, singing the shitty song! this song is more suited to Kris's voice, I think
Weetabix: the song is a cliché... it fits Kris' non-exceptional voice better
jinx... although my comment was meaner
Pie: Ian says "his schlock fits the schlock of the song"
we all said it at the same time
Kris is all into it. aw, Kris, you are so sweet.
Weetabix: whereas there wasn't enough room for Adam's cock in the schlock
Pie: well played!
Weetabix: I try
Pie: The Cock and the Schlock is the name of my forthcoming Kradam fanfic
Weetabix: Actually, I think Kris may have a chance based on this performance... it was written for his voice
it's kind of like when Kelly won in the first season. A Moment Like This just sounded better when she sang it.
Pie: yeah, whatever song they foisted on Blake and Jordin sounded better when Jordin sang it
has Kris always had that sad little proto-mustache?
Weetabix: It's probably taken 13 weeks to appear, slowly. or maybe that's the ring left by Adam's eyeliner?
Pie: Is there Kradam fic about Kris sucking on Adam's eye?
Weetabix: Kara's pretty. I think I'm drunky. A little bit.

PREDICTIONS
Pie: well Kris and Adam were both great but.. GO ADAM LAMBERRR!
Weetabix: agreed! so, prediction?
Dial Idol is UNAVAILABLE!!!!
Pie: aw, Kris and Adam are not competing, they are just going to give a good show!
Weetabix: oh, there it is
Pie: Ian: "I know how they can give a good show."
Weetabix: a donkey show! sorry, I always go too far
Pie: my husband is gay for Adam.
Weetabix: well, who ISN'T gay for Adam?
Pie: an excellent point
Weetabix: If he vamped up, I'd strap one on for that shit.
I think we should be worried about our boy, though.
Pie: I think the finale was great. if I had to put money on it... I would bet.... on....mmm.. I don't know
we are going to vote over here
Weetabix: The Kara song was better when Kris sang it, and the middle song of Kris' was bashed, so his tween voters may be rushing to his defense.
Pie: we are going to vote it up
Weetabix: Also, Dial Idol has Kris at a 1.5 pt lead. Ouch.
Also, you couldn't squeeze a prayer between Adam and his jeans. DAYAM!
awwww... they both told people to vote for each other
and now we're subjected to Carrie Underwood
Pie: busy phone lines
Weetabix: blegh
Pie: we are hoping they will tongue kiss on stage after one of them wins
Weetabix: they will, Mopie. In Ian's dreams.
Pie: wait, where did Carrie Underwood come from? with her glittery microphone?
Weetabix: I am without answers for that one. Maybe they have a giant glittery microphone spotlight that they shine into the nightskies of LA and then Carrie Underwood races to them, to answer their need of a sign out performance.
Pie: hee!!!
oh, my prediction is, I really have no idea
Weetabix: I am predicting... Danny Gokey!
Pie: Adam seems inevitable, but intellectually I think Kris has a shot, and I think they both were great tonight.
Weetabix: Because obviously, whatever I predict will be wrong, and I don't want to predict Adam for that reason. I believe we did this when Lakisha was in danger as well.
Pie: Carrie Underwood sounds kind of bad, I have to say. her voice sounds a little thrashed.
vote Adam! you are voting, right? vote!
Weetabix: Carrie Underwood would have been screwed if Adam had been in her season!
I've never voted! I can't break the streak now! That's my impartiality for the live blog!
Pie: but... but... but....! I had no idea you were striving for impartiality!
Weetabix: I'm the mean one! I can't pick sides (except that yeah, I probably should punish Kris for fucking me in the pool)
I am always trying to toe the moral line, Mopie.
and live a just life, whether it be in my day to day or in my live blogging.
Or maybe I should just go vote for Adam and watch reruns of Kung Fu.
Weetapidol out!!
Pie: hee. WEETAPIDOL OUT! also Fed Ex me an Oreo, please.
Weetabix: done

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6 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

I wrote this last week.

So, here's the thing. We all know Adam winning has been predetermined. Yay and all. I do love him. BUT. I kinda don't believe the numbers last night.

I watch Hell's Kitchen. When Gordon Ramsey removed Ben instead of Andrea, it was immediately clear why. He wanted a Paula/Danny finale and Andrea could not outshine Paula or Danny. Ben *probably* would not outshine Paula or Danny, but he had the ability or potential to do so.

Like Allison/Teyona on ANTM. Teyona's winning was predetermined. They picked Allison to "stomp" because she would never outshine Teyona, Tyra said as much "I thought Teyona was going to kill her." Problem was Allison rocked the night, their side by sides actually favored Allison and really highlighted that Teyona always gave the same 3/4 profile. But, of course, Teyona won.

It just seems like TPTB believe Kris can not outdo Adam and Danny *probably* would not outdo Adam, but he had the potential to do so. My sister said they probably just didn't want a "gay vs. Christian worship leader" smackdown for the finale. I agreed until I remembered that Kris is also Christian worship leader. But, I think TPTB are underestimating Danny's fans voting for Kris, Kris' pocket-sized cutenness, Christian right-wingers voting against Adam and people like me. We love Adam and know he deserves it, but dammit he's being forced down our throats as the only "real" choice (which, yeah) and I just can't do it. Like any crime show--when a lawyer is all "you have to find him guilty/innocent". Excuse me, I don't *have* to do anything.

I think I have Oppositional Defiant Disorder.
But last night, I gotta say I think Kris was much better than Adam, especially on the last song. Surprised the hell out of me.

And I was getting a little pissed at the "judging". I mean, I get it. We all get it. But the Adam tongue bath was hella irritating last night for some reason. Kind of kicking Kris while he's down, maybe.

10:56 AM  
Blogger Shmuel said...

I would just note that last year, in the final faceoff, Simon called it for David Archuleta. I wouldn't take anything for granted.

12:44 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

It's hard to explain. I love Adam. I am definitely not a Kris fan.

But I do wonder about that (the "in the final faceoff, Simon called it for David Archuleta"). Maybe this is a case of "everybody wins". Both guys are talented and not as divisive as the media would like (lowest rated finale ever!!).

Yes, I'm thinking it is win-win.

1:50 PM  
Blogger eliza said...

Y'all are very funny women.

4:21 PM  
Blogger Gila said...

I seriously guffawed at "Scott Macintyre doesn't know how lucky he is that he can't see
Randy's tie!"

And Kara's shitty coronation song was exactly that. The key didn't work for either of them, so why didn't anyone think to change the key? It still would have been a shitty song, but the guys wouldn't have had to strain for the notes.

Thanks for another great season! Though I won't win the pool, at least I'm not dead last again, and I'm happy to part of the Hive Mind!

7:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm shocked there was no mention of Katie Holmes Cruise and Suri Cruise sitting in the front row! Suri was wigging out because it was too loud, so Katie had to cover her ears for her. Did you see?

I am a Danny fan, so Kris got my vote because I just couldn't deal with Adam Lambert winning.

Oh and I think Kim is on to something there with her comment. I think it's a win-win, but this was the most boring head to head ever.

The result show ROCKED though! It was better than the Grammy's!

Shari

12:35 PM  

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