Wednesday, May 06, 2009

Top 4: "if any of the above happens, take a sip of penis"

Pie : have you heard the latest Idol news this week? Constantine got nominated for an effing Tony Award... and sadly, David Cook's brother passed away.
Weet : I hadn't heard either of those things. Constantine got a Tony nomination from WHAT exactly? his sad little stint on Rent?
Pie : for starring in a musical called Rock of Ages, apparently
Weet : interesting and also, he has a penis face
Pie : read and weep... he sure does. if there was a Best Penis Face Tony, he would completely win. Also the Idol stage collapsed or something during dress rehearsal.
Weet : OOH! and also, the Captain is popping my wine for me (not a euphamism)
Pie : David Cook is a class act. so, that's sad. and Debbie the stage manager was injured tonight. which is also sad. but life, and wine, must go on.
also, that's what she said.
Weet : he popped the wrong one for me, so then I made him go back and pop a better one. Now I officially have ALL THE WINE
Pie : I am doing shots of Yager and Goldschlager, as always!
Weet : as ever
Pie : or, alternatively, I am drinking tea. pick whichever one sounds more fun.
SHOT! I'm not sure what the drinking game is here. I think there should be more complicated rules than me typing SHOT!
Weet : um, whenever the stage collapses, do a shot!
Pie : whenever Adam Lambert is awesome or Gokey looks smug, do a shot!
Weet : whenever you see Dunkleman the kerchief, take a drink. If you see Dunkleman the Person, drink entire bottle.
Pie : if Paula makes sense, two shots!
Weet : If Simon has erect nipples, take a drink.
Pie : if Randy says "for you" or "for me" or "Dawg," take a shot.
Weet : What's with this shot thing? Whole shots? People won't make it beyond the first singer.
Pie : if you can see Slash's eyes, chug. "shot" is a metaphor.
Weet : for penis?
Pie : yes. if any of the above happens, take a sip of penis.
Weet : reader, I lol'd
Pie : hee! so tonight's theme is allegedly Classic Rock and the mentor is Slash.
Weet : For the record, aside from Journey, I fucking loathe classic rock. it is because from the years of 1990 until 1999, I listened to classic rock almost exclusively because it was the only thing I could bear to listen to on the local radio
Pie : I like individual songs... we'll see how this goes.
Weet : and the radio only played the same 200 songs. I pretty much listened to my lifetime's allotment of Boston over the course of two years
Pie : I still don't know the difference between Boston and Chicago. those are both bands, right?
Weet : they are, and also, cities
Pie : I also used to get them confused with Foreigner and Journey.
you could make a sentence out of those band names.
Weet : Boston talks about Amanda, Chicago is... well, awful
Pie : a Foreigner took a Journey from Chicago to Boston...
no wonder I was confused.
Weet : The 70s were a confusing time for all of us
Pie : What Not To Sing (an awesome Idol statistics site) says this is the best top four, statistically speaking, in Idol history
Weet : I'm going to preemptively pee before Weetapidoling
Pie : even though Danny Gokey is pulling down the average with his smugness
okay! show starts in two minutes! if you are not back, I will pause.
Pie : I am paused on the opening shot of three contestants, minus Kris, and I am hoping this isn't a subliminal message.
Weet : ok, I'm queuing it up
Pie : I would be sad to lose Kris or Allison. if we lost Adam... I would turn into one of the crazies.
Gokey is making a smug face immediately! DRINK.
Weet : who would... what exactly?
Pie : I don't know. I would... be angry!
but in a crazy way. oh, this is a recap of last week. they are showing the Adam Moment of Despair.
Weet : Poor Adam, but a little humility is a good thing, I think
Pie : Dunkelman in the pocket. drink!
Weet : lest he have the Daughtry! suprise
Pie : I can't believe I remember the drinking rules after all these shots.
Daughtry! is performing tomorrow night for sure.
this time I mean it.
Weet : I must be drunk, as I wanted to respond ala Princess Bride with "does anyone want a peanut?"
Pie : the judges' chairs look comfortable.
and now they are showing the stage collapse thing!
Weet : they look like bad office chairs
maybe their dress-rehearsal-less performance will make them feel more shiny and new?
Pie : no runthrough will benefit the more seasoned performers. I'm not sure who qualifies, other than Adam.
Weet : and also, oooh, duets!
Pie : duets tonight!
Weet : why is it a big week for Paula?
Pie : this is because they can't fit in 8 songs like normal. they are incapable of fitting in songs this season. still, this could be cool.
Weet : Because she is in rehab?
Pie : I don't know, she talked about rehab...
rehab jinx!
Weet : I'm excited about the duets, though. They've never done that at this point in the game
Pie : Adam looks hot. H-O-T.
Weet : Allison looks cute
and yes, Adam looks like a super hero of rock
Pie : Adam. hot. sentences. no. forming them. hot.
Weet : I don't know about Slash. I probably couldn't pick out a Slash riff if my life depended upon it.
Pie : I have never heard Slash say anything, so this could be interesting.
Weet : I've heard him talking about what a foodie he is
which I love
Pie : I don't think I could pick out a Slash riff. either unless it was from one of the classic Appetite for Destruction songs.
Adam, please do "Sweet Child O' Mine"! I would die.
Weet : that's not classic rock, dear
Pie : I cannot see Slash's eyes. so cannot drink.
I heard they were defining "classic rock" as 70s and 80s.
in which case it would qualify!
Weet : Slash is like that one muppet. He's such a stereotype!
true dat, but I seriously am offended that they're calling 80's music "classic rock"
to me, mid-70's is the latest possible time that you could possibly be "classic"
anything that was fresh on MTV cannot be a "classic"
Pie : well at some point Death Cab for Cutie will qualify as "oldies"
Weet : noooooooooooooooooooooo

ADAM LAMBERT, "A Whole Lotta Love" (That's What She Said)

Weet : it's the squeeze my lemon song
I don't know this song. but it certainly is rock and roll, baby!
Weet : it's from probably before you were born
originally sung by Robert Plant, who is a rock god
Pie : Ian thinks he needs to be "more physically crazy" like Led Zeppelin
I think he is perfect and awesome
Weet : I think it would help if he were tripping out on acid. That's the thing about rock, you have to almost be a little imperfect vocally for it to work.
Pie : he totally just did the Elvis lip thing!
god, he is such a star. for serious.
Weet : for instance, at Weetacon, I sang "Me and Bobbie McGee" because my voice was destroyed, and it brought down the house. Because my voice was destroyed.
Pie : I literally can't remember an Idol contestant with more confidence. he's like what the Idols are when they leave and become famous and come back.
Weet : That's a good analysis. They should take more people off of Broadway, instead of acting like it's a stigma.
I liked Adam's performance, but it's not my favorite.
Also, Kara just spazzed out to the point that I felt uncomfortable for her.
Pie : heh. she sure did. but she was very specific, which I enjoyed.
Simon also loved it! YES.
hee. "the problem is, nobody can top that now."
Weet : I find it strange that Adam (or the AI makeup people) line the inside of Adam's eye. When I do that, the eyeliner just melts away. Maybe my eyes water way too much.
yes, that was pretty succinct. No, Adam will top it during his duet.
Pie : maybe he has special guyliner that does not run. or is applied by unicorns, because Adam is MAGICAL.
Weet : yes, it is applied by unicorn horn


Pie : hee. five minutes later and I am stil laughing about Adam's eyeliner being applied by unicorn horn. I am just giddy. Adam makes me giddy.
wow, Allison looks cool!
Weet : She's very cute
Adam's got a hair girl!
Pie : love the hair
of course he has a hair girl.... and I do love Adam's and Allison's hair!
Weet : I love that she's excited about her big brother date with Adam
Pie : and they are dueting later! that is going to rule.
so this is "Crybaby"
Weet : wow, she just gave me chills, in the montage
Pie : yeah, that was kickass.
Weet : She's got an amazing voice, but her stage presence is still that of a 17 year old girl for me
Pie : I think she's got a lot of confidence... I don't know, I think she's pulling it off, for me, dawg.
Weet : she can't honestly be sexy, because she feels weird about it, and always breaks into a smile
Pie : her lipstick color is awesome. she just looks great.
and she sounds great. I am impressed with her and rooting for her in the final two!
Weet : I think it's a good imitation of a rock performance, but it doesn't feel like an authentic extension of a soul, ala exceptional rock concerts. That having been said, she's still amazing.
I think she's got a chance for final two, seriously.
Pie : we'll see what the judges say, I think she was fabulomenal. and scrumtrelescent.
Weet : Randy's got my back
Pie : he does.
Weet : ooh, Piece of My Heart would have been a much better choice. Thank you, Kara!
Pie : Kara is again going on and on. Kara, SUCCINCT. learn to be it.
I thought they were already doing a biopic on Janis Joplin and it was Zooey Deschanel or something.
Simon has MY back!
Allison is getting a little snotty. stop talking, Allison!
that is going to hurt her, I think.
Weet : Oh, Simon is being bitchy to her, but she's fighting back. Isn't that usually a bad strategy?
Pie : yeah, I think she got a little overly defensive... I think that's bad.
Weet : I think so too. America doesn't want to hear its gravely voiced princess get defensive.
Pie : after the break, a Kris and Danny duet!
Weet : oo oo! I hope it's a love song. To each other.
Pie : that is the dream. maybe if it were a Kris/Adam duet, we'd have a shot.
Weet : My wine is lacking. At what point can I justify ditching this bottle and switching to the sweet desserty one?
Pie : at any point.
Weet : well, I have to drain this glass first. I filled it all the way up, hoping to be able to gulp it quickly.

KRIS AND DANNY, "Renegade"

Pie : hey, Styx! I don't know if I know this song, but I do enjoy Styx.
I do know this song!
nice harmony!
Weet : I do like Styx. I do a fair imitation of Dennis De Young.
Pie : I am trying not to hate on Gokey too much, because I think I am stuck with him.
Weet : I just keep thinking "Aw, Milwaukee boy with glasses!"
Pie : they really do sound good, both of them, I admit.
I will be downloading this shizzle.
Weet : Kris is a little limp on some of the runs, but Danny's got some serious power
Pie : I think Kris has more originality, but Danny has a more powerful voice.
Weet : and also, looks remarkably like Ted Mosby in this set
Pie : that is an "in general" comment, not on this performance in particular.
Weet : agreed
Pie : I agree with Randy, that the harmonies were my favorite!
Weet : I think my proclivities between the two has come down to sex. I would do Danny. I would not do Kris. He's wee and might only have publings (this could be cross-over from his resemblance to Archuleta)...Oooh, Simon agrees with me that Danny was better than Kris
Pie : also Gokey keeps looking smug. drink!
Weet : I have drunk. Getrunken. Getrunket.
Pie : shut up, Simon! I wouldn't dislike Gokey so much if the judges weren't all up in his grille all the time, like Jamie Foxx.
Weet : the timing of this is weird. Solos are next? With Danny and Kris?
Pie : Gokey has done some kind of crappy boring karaoke performances and gotten this overblown praise, and it's just annoying. I think he's talented, though. maybe I will recalibrate.
Weet : Wouldn't Allison and Adam do their duet now?
Pie : one would think.... but I guess not!
Weet : I'm fully accepting that there is a high liklihood that I only like Danny because I kind of want to fuck him. There. I said it.
Pie : well apparently the judges all feel the same way.
Weet : That McDonald's commercial was just subtley racist.
Pie : I, of course, am into the gay one who looks like my hot ex-boyfriend. I missed the racist McDonald's commercial.
Weet : Maybe they can have a fivesome with me and I will be happy. Randy can wait outside.
It's a McCafe commercial, and the black girl is beleaguered and saddened by society, while the white people are smug in their McDonald's cafe items. Until finally a white girl hands the black girl a cheap HFCS laden McCafe and then she's happy. oooh a commercial for Glee! With Journey! Not racist, either!
Pie : well perhaps it is an ironic reversal of the "magical black man" stereotype, and it is the magical white lady. I am so into Glee. and we're back!
Weet : Seriously, they've been cockteasing me wiht that show for WEEKS.
it's very unfair

KRIS ALLEN, "Come Together"

Weet : Revolution is such a bleh Beatles song. There are so many awesome Beatles songs, why pick shitty ones like Revolution or "Come Together"
Pie : Kris is discussing his process. I think they're running long on timing as it is already 40 minutes into the show and they have only done half the performances.
Weet : if Kris pees his pants, do a shot!
Pie : heh. I know. I want to hear "Help!"
Weet : This song is sung in the key of "Douche"
Pie : wow, you know, Rock Night is kind of awesome.
Weet : I'm probably unfairly prejudiced against Kris.
Pie : I see we differ in our opinions at this time.
I have liked everything so far! and I think Kris is sweet.
Weet : It's not his fault that I don't like him.
Pie : I blame Danny Gokey for the fact that I don't like him.
Weet : Some of his performances, I enjoy a great deal. This one is too Jason Mraz, again. That's a common complaint of mine.
It's Danny Gokey's fault that you don't like Danny Gokey?!
Pie : I don't know much about Mraz except the "Remedy" song, which I like.
Weet : You just said it was the judges' fault!
Pie : yes, I blame Gokey for my Gokey-dislike.
and the judges too. there is enough guilt to go around!
Weet : that's true, there's a lot of blame
Also, Randy's t-shirt has more bling than a retiree on a cruise ship.
Pie : hee!
Weet : Kara didn't care for it, felt it could have used a little more Gokey.
Pie : Randy liked the guitar playing and his failed attempt at rock. Kara did not like it. and now she's elaborating, of course.
Weet : Paula comments that he was singing, and it was Kris.
And also, that he was singing the song. And he imprinted on it. And he was standing on the stage.
God, I love Paula.
Simon felt it was like eating ice for lunch. Ooh, see, that's much more harsh than I was, which was just that I didn't want to have anything to do with Kris' penis.
Pie : ha! and ha.
and I love how Simon is still hard for Adam. aren't we all, Simon? aren't we all.
Weet : yeah, get in line, Cowell
preferrably in a daisy chain
Oooh, I LOVE Dream On
Pie : oh dear.
Weet : I'm not sure how he's going to do with it, though. If he screams it, I will be upset.
Pie : Michael Johns did this song. Danny Gokey, you are no Michael Johns.
Weet : Which song would you sing during Classic rock week, Pie?
Pie : that is a fine question. I don't know a lot of classic rock. nor can I really sing. so... um... that Styx song about the winds of change.
(I have no idea if those are the words. I would learn the words.)
Weet : huh
I'm stymied
Come Sail Away?
Pie : we are basically picking what we would do for Styx week
Weet : I think the Winds of Change was Scorpion, wasn't it? I am lost. I would not do Styx. I would probably do The Pretenders
Pie : heh, oh yeah, that is an excellent point. I would also know the name of the band.
Weet : oooh, you could do Dust in the Wind! That one is always an easy platinum on Karaoke Revolution
Pie : oh, I love that song so very much.
there is a video of Adam Lambert performing that song. on YouTube. you're welcome, world!


Pie : good god
Weet : I might do "Bohemian Rhapsody" though
Pie : what the hell is that last note
Weet : it was an orgasm. He came in his pants. That's the only time a man should make that kind of noise.
Pie : "Bohemian Rhapsody" is such a weird song to sing, though. it's impossible to arrange.
I love how Slash is like "well, that could go either way."
Weet : true dat
Pie : thank you, Slash, for clearly disliking smugface Gokey.
Weet : I enjoy Mr. Gokey's purple shirt of justice.
I did not enjoy Mr. Gokey's spontaneous spittle that was caught by the camera.
Pie : I do not want to see the words Gokey and orgasm in the same sentence anymore.
Weet : sometimes the HD is a curse.
Pie : oh dear god the screaming. STOP SCREAMING AT ME, GOKEY.
Weet : ooh, there's that note. Where bad things are happening. To Mr. Gokey. Which would be an orgasm.
Note the inclusion of periods so that it was not the same sentence.
Pie : was it just me or did he just embarrass himself with that?
a stickler for the law!
you are. I mean. with the two sentences.
Weet : It was actually a pretty fair rendering of the original, but that's not pretty either.
Pie : A+ for effort? this isn't FIRST GRADE, RANDY.
Weet : He colored outside of the lines!
Kara repeating herself. Repeatedly.
Pie : Kara goes on and on and on and on and on.
Weet : Oooh, I know what song I would sing! "Don't Fear the Reaper"!
Weet : sorry, I've clearly lost interest in the judges. They don't matter! Also, I've had some wine!
Pie : that might be my favorite song on earth. that and "One Night in Bangkok"
thank you Simon! "a horror movie"! yes!
Weet : oh my god, there's 6 minutes left and we haven't heard Adam and Allison het, and I'm sure there are commercials!
My stupid TiFaux is going to cut out!
Pie : that's right, keep talking, Gokey. dig yourself deeper.
that's because these people can no longer bring a show in on time because Kara NEVER SHUTS UP.
Weet : that's really what it is
she just keeps on repeating, trying desperately to be relvant
Pie : also, she told Danny he should do "early Aerosmith" but isn't "Dream On" early Aerosmith?
am I insane?
Weet : yes, it's early
maybe she's confusing it with Janey's Got a Gun
or that stupid song from Armaggedon
Pie : god, that fucking song.

ALLISON AND ADAM, "Slow Ride" by Foghat

: whoa weird
Pie : I don't know this song
Weet : I would not have picked that song
Pie : Adam's pants make me happy. in my pants.
Weet : they are good pants
Pie : these two could totally go on tour tomorrow.
Weet : I also really like this new outfit for Allison. Better than her earlier outfit.
Allison, opening for Adam of course
Pie : yeah, I like it too. they look great.
I think this is good for Allison, to be paired up with Adam in the pimp spot.
Weet : agreed
Pie : it might counteract her backtalk to the judges.
Weet : and honestly, I think Allison is the only one who can hold her own with him.
perhaps. We shall see.
That was a great performance, though, despite the fact that I loathe the song.
Pie : yeah, I think that says a lot about Allison. she can definitely hold her own.
Weet : considering her age. If she had hit AI in two years, she would have been unstoppable
are they yelling "Fuck you" at simon?
and my TiFaux just stopped
Pie : I have no idea what they were yelling.
Simon is saying that Adam may have given Allison a boost with that duet. hey, I just said that! we are in sync tonight, me and Simon.
Adam just said Allison was like his little sister.
Weet : I called that!
Pie : now they are doing RECAP!
Weet : Kris is done
that's my prediction
Pie : as much as I think Danny sucks and would love to see him shock booted, I agree. Kris is gone.
Weet : Poor Kris. Buh bye.
let me check Dial Idol!
Adam is totally safe.
Allison is sucking hind tit, followed by Kris.
Pie : I want Gokey to at least be in the bottom two so he doesn't have the stupid perfect record.
sucking hind tit?
Weet : that's a Captainism
Pie : I see. okay then.
Weet : and also, I am drunk.
Pie : heh. then I say Allison and Kris for bottom two, with Kris getting the boot.
Weet : so his perfect record may well be intact. We shall see! What have you done America!!!
Pie : ugh, Danny Gokey. at least tomorrow night is Daughtry.


Labels: , , , ,


Blogger Kim said...

God. KARA, you stupid effin ... "Crazy" and "Crying" are early Aerosmith, but "Dream On" isn't? SHUT UP!!

I love Adam, but I didn't care for his song. I thought Kris did better than they said. I didn't think Danny was so bad.

I wondered, though if Kris & Danny's duet didn't affect their later performances. Maybe they held back or didn't hold back enough. I thought the order should have been changed, if only for the APPEARANCE of fairness. I totally get A+A closing the show. But I think it should have gon more like Kris, Danny, K+D, Adam, Allison, A+A. I mean, it may not have made a difference, but it seems like it could have.

11:14 AM  
Blogger Weetabix said...

Kim, I totally agree with you. I mean, Adam and Allison had upwards of half an hour to recover from their solos, while Kris basically had to sing and then sing immediately again. If they were being judged on solos rather than duets, then it's doubly damning because Kris and Danny weren't as fresh for their solos as A&A. There was no reason for the scheduling of the performances like that, especially since it was two solos then a duet for each half.

11:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm over Allison, honestly. I was hoping she'd go tonight, but Simon is right, that last duet with Adam probably saved her.


3:42 PM  

Post a Comment

<< Home