Saturday, February 24, 2007


[Disclaimer: This edition of Weetapidol contains mature language and sexual themes. Don’t blame us, blame Antonella Barba.]


W: That red stage is Satanic.
P: Yeah, what is going on there?
W: It's the evil version of American Idol. "What have you done, America?"

P: So I don't know who any of these people are.
W: Except for Jack Osborne.
P: Right.

P: Ryan Seacrest's vest is making me... feel... something.
W: I am expecting him to sing Mr. Bojangles. It's like a dressy top with jeans—is that coming back?
P: I've always liked that. But not with the vest.
W: No, not with the vest. I prefer a pocket square.

P: So we get to meet the guys again and they do stupid dances. I don't care that much about the top 24 either, I have to say.
W: It's just scouting out for the pool. Because next week we have to do the pool, right? People have to pick their pool choices?
P: Well we're not down to the top 12 yet.
W: After this week we will be.
P: No, because we only lose four this week.
W: Are you shitting me?

P: Ryan just said we could fast forward. Rather than fast forwarding, I'm just going to not pay attention.
W: I don't know what's going on with Randy's shirt. And what's going on with Paula's shirt. She looks like Swiss Miss.
P: He's doing the opposite of slimming black. It's like a paisley couch.
W: I know. He looks like the Kool Aid man.

W: Oh god, montage.
P: It's Randy saying "what's up, man?" a million times.
W: I don't think we actually saw these auditions.
P: That wouldn't surprise me. And I'm going to go back to ignoring this.
W: Yeah, it's lame.
P: I think Brandon Rogers is hot though.
W: Which one is he?
P: The... black guy?
W: You mean the one who looks like Warrick?
P: Yeah, him.
W: Yeah, he's hot.

W: And now a pause and now commercials. This is how this whole two hours is going to go. It's going to be a long two hours.


(Rudy Cardenas)
W: He's the one who did Journey.
P: I feel like I've never seen him before.
W: I thought we did see him.
P: He's from North Hollywood, so I'm rooting for him. And he just mentioned macaroni and cheese.
W: It's a shout-out to Ian.
P: And therefore Weetapidol, by association.
W: The six degrees of macaroni and cheese.
P: Yes.
W: I do think he looks kind of skeevy, this Rudy Cardenas. But now that he got rid of the flavor saver, it helps.
("Take A Free Ride")
W: Do we have a theme? Is it "horrible 80s music"?
P: I like his shirt, and I do not like his singing.
W: I don't like his dancing. It looks like he should be trying to convince me to buy Diet Dr. Pepper. Doesn't he looks like he should be singing the Dr. Pepper song?
P: Totally. Yeah, you nailed it. Also, zero sex appeal. He's got the sex appeal of a Dr. Pepper can. I think that's what you're seeing there.
W: I think he's the guy I said was the Eliot Yamin of the new season. But it doesn't matter, because… zero sex appeal.
P: And yet people were into Eliot.
W:I think it was an underdog thing, not a "I want to hump you" thing.
P: You might be right.
W: Randy's shirt is like a bedsheet.
P: I agree with Simon: Rudy is forgettable.
W: And the song was kinda karaokeish.
P: Swiss Miss likes him. Maybe she got the good drugs tonight.

W: I love the Coke outlines on the couch. Like, "all these bottles of Coke were murdered here."

(Brandon Rogers)
P: He doesn't do it for me, but he's good looking.
W: Once they style him a little better, I think we could be convinced that he's hot. As opposed to that other guy whose name I've forgotten already. Rudy.
P: I don't care about these retrospective montages of the contestants.
W: I know. We’re going to get them again when we get down to the top 12 or top 10 or whatever. Whoever goes on the tour.
P: With the way they pad this show, we'll probably get a whole episode that's just a montage.
W: I'm tired of the padding. The well is dry. The cow's udder of America is dry.
("Rock With You")
P: This is not particularly doing it for me either.
W: No.
P: And I had high hopes.
W: It IS bad 80s song night.
P: It's the unspoken theme. And his shirt is half tucked in. Maybe that's the other unspoken theme.
W: It's the shit in the pockets. And so the other contestants watch them from the balcony?
P: Yeah.
W: That's kind of weird. I like his artfully distressed jeans, but not so much his performance.

P: They're also padding this with Ryan asking stupid-ass question. I think I'm back to finding him douchey. It might be the vest.
W: The vest is doing a lot to move him into the douche camp.
P: Next time maybe if he has the Dunkelman…
W: … then the charm will be back?
P: I won't go that far.

(Sundance Head)
W: Now we have Sundance/Jason Head, who seems overly fond of his own chest hair.
P: And he's got these weird chin pubes that disturb me.
W: He does a weird thing with his lips when he talks, too.
("Knights In White Satin")
W: Okay, I was wrong about the theme. This is bad 60s.
P: He's "pitchy"
W: Talk about karaoke actually. I wouldn't be impressed with this at karaoke.
P: This is… not good.
W: Unless it's about to get really good right now. He's doing Jesus hands! No! No, Sundance. You don't get to do Jesus hands.
P: What's the criteria?
W: Sex appeal. I need to want to worship you, and I do not want to worship Sundance, and is he wearing tennis shoes with his suit jacket?
P: Yeah.
W: He's wearing a fucking ring on a chain, like he's a 14 year old at prom.

W: I was not impressed by that. I want to like Sundance because I want to support the big linebackery guys.
P: Randy's like "it was almost 100% terrible!" Even Swiss Miss doesn't like it.
W: He does have pretty eyes.
P: "Dad at a wedding"—Simon said that about Taylor, and Taylor won.
W: And he told Jennifer Hudson she belonged on a cruise ship.
P: Was it a Sundance Cruise?
W: Where does the name Sundance come from? No woman pushed him out of her vagina and said "oh! I am gonna call him Sundance!"


P: Oh my god the results show is one hour? What the hell are they going to fill it with?
W: A montage. "Here is a montage of the last two Idol shows."
P: "Here's a montage of the opening credits."

(Paul Kim)
P: Yay for an Asian guy in the competition.
W: I know.
P: And he's a barefoot Asian guy, so right away you hate him.
W: It has nothing to do with being Asian, for the record.
P: No, it was in reference to feet, which I know you hate.
("Careless Whisper")
W: It's Careless Whisper., fuck yeah. These feet do not have any rhythm barefoot guy.
P: They might have fungus.
W: UUuuuggggh. I am sick! I threw up this morning!
P: Sorry.
W: Okay, I like this performance. Despite the feet. I don't know about his stage presence though.
P: No, he makes weird faces.
W: I'm probably just slanted because I like this song so much. I love it. I love this song
P: I am going to turn it up so I can hear it. That high note was not great.
W: That was bad.
P: He's doing some good yaaayeayyyay-yays.
W: Mm hmm. He's my favorite right now.
P: He's your favorite even with the feet?
W: In spite of the feet.
P: You must really, really, really like this song.
W: Oh, GROSS. Now we saw Ryan's bare feet! And look how short he got without shoes.
P: He wears lifts!
W: He must!
P: I like how Ryan's secure enough in his homosexuality to make pedicure jokes.
W: He just made a lift remark! He said "now I'm short for sure without that lift"!
P: I'm back to liking Ryan, if he admitted that. Tom Cruise never admits it.

("Chris Richardson)
P: Who the hell is this guy. This Kevin Federline guy?
W: "A well-accomplished artist"? "Well-accomplished"?
P: It's not exactly grammatical, but I do agree with him about Justin Timberlake.
("I Don’t Wanna Be")
P: This is a Karaoke Revolution song!
W: Oh my god, it is!
P: I love him for singing a Karaoke Revolution song!
(Mo Pie sings along)
(Mo Pie claps)
P: I don't even know if this is a good or bad. I'm just having a karaoke r moment.
W: If only it morphed into a cartoon and he were on a rooftop. or at the county fair.
Both: Pig chase!!!
W: Okay can you tell me how that was?
P: It was pretty close to the regular one.. I don't know. I thought it was pretty good. Yeah, I kind of agree with Randy—the show just started.

P: Wow, I don't feel this beer at all.
W: You better have another one. You need to prep your liver. You're coming to Green Bay next week.


(Nick Pedro)
W: Was everybody told to wear gray?
P: I don't know. Not Randy.
W: I'm sure gray is one of the colors in that bedsheet.
P: What's his name? Nick something?
W: Nick Pedro.
P: Vote for Pedro! He wasn't that good in the group round though, so what's he doing there?
("Now & Forever ")
W: This is a Richard Marx song.
P: He looks like a really gross guy who slips people date rape drugs.
W: He looks like someone who buys a bar so he can get laid.
P: Mike Boogie from Big Brother?
W: No, that's who the beatboxing guy reminds me of! But yes. Same M.O.
P: Okay, so Captain Date Rape. Totally. And he's got eye shadow on.
W: He totally does. Apricot.
P: I love how Paula strings words together. "Magic… melting… pony…"

W: Now how short must Nick be if he's towering over Ryan?
P: Well Ryan's got his lifts in again.
W: He just said "vote for Pedro."
W: I'm sorry. Are you wearing a vest?


P: Ryan's introducing the girls. He's smiling like "I like girls!" Really!"

(Blake Lewis)
W: That's Mike Boogie, right there.
P: Oh my god, he is so Mike Boogie.
W: Look at him. Come on!
P: The sideways baseball cap, oh my god.
W: All he needs is that upside down visor. And evil Dr. Will.
P: And some roofies..
("Somewhere Only We Know")
W: Oh this isn't a sucky song. This is Bright Eyes or something isn't it?
P: Yeah, it is a good song. He's still got that… quality, but.
W: Yeah.
P: Well, good song choice, I guess.
W: I just had one of those moments of artificial insight about people's sexual practices.
P: Okay…?
W: Yeah. he's a premature ejaculator.
P: Ha!
W: And then he cries.
P: I can't get past that mental image to know if this performance is any good or not.
W: No, it was good. It was probably the best so far. I just don't like him. And I think he's wearing slides.
P: Randy, do not encourage him.
W: Yeah, beatboxing is totally appropriate IN THE KEANE SONG. Shut up, Randy.
P: "I love you too, Paula! I put some GHB in your Coke cup!"

(Sanjaya Malakar)
W: Chicken Tandoori! See, it's gray night. Everyone's wearing frickin' gray.
P: So clearly gray is the new black, and Empire waists are back.
W: Apparently. Or maybe they had to wear cool colors because that set is all Satanic.
P: He's got a Stevie Wonder kind of quality.
W: Yeah, I like him.
P: It's nice that he loves his sister. I wonder how many shots of her crying in the audience we'll see over the course of the season.
("Knocks Me Off My Feet")
P: Isn't this a Stevie Wonder song?
W: I think so.
P: Wow, I called it. Nobody's going to believe that I did this. I don't think he sounds that good right now though.
W: Well there he sure didn't. His sister is trying to knock him out if she picked this song. Talk about passive aggressive. "No, Sanjaya, sing the song nobody's ever heard of. With no discernable melody!"
P: I love when Randy laughs, Like "You suck, ha ha, and furthermore…"
W: And here's Paula…
P: "Soul... magic... fluffy magic pony
W: That melts on the wonderfulness of the world's ear…" Hey, do you think Randy's ever getting laid from his job on AI?
P: That's a disturbing question.
W: He probably is. That's even more disturbing.
P: Don't make pouty lips, Sanjaya.
W: No—be a man, Sanjaya!


(Chris Sligh)
W: I love Chris Sligh.
P: Yeah, I really like him. Did you read his blog?
W: No, he's got a blog?
P: Yeah, he pulled it, but someone saved the archives It's all about how he's a Born Again Christian.
P: I still like him. As long as he doesn't hate gay people like Mandisa.
W: Oh yeah, that's right.
("Typical ")
P: I don't know this song, but I like it.
W: Yeah, I do too! And he has good stage presence. Although now I suspect it was some God rock.
P: He's gonna sing Creed before the season is over.
W: That's what I thought this was at first, was Creed.


(Jared Cotter)
P: Now Ryan's going to make the "Welcome Back Cotter joke"
W: I just made it! You just cockblocked my Welcome Back Cotter joke."
("Back At One ")
P: Why is he holding his hand in a "dick in a box" motion?
W: He's showing America that he has the balls to be an American Idol. I find his pointing at the camera threatening.
P: I am getting a date rapey vibe from him too.
W: Yeah, he's cruising with Captain Date Rape.
P: Maybe he wouldn't actually date rape you, he'd just tell you you'd do it if you really loved him.
W: And he'd point a lot. And again, here's another one of my inappropriate sexual flashes…
P: … do tell!
W: He demands blow jobs but then he grabs your head and pushes it down.
P: Yeah, good call.
W: Which is too bad, because he's a good looking boy and w hen he's not singing,. I'm not creeped out.
P: Yeah a little too aggressive. And he also will not yodel in the valley.
W: Oh of course not. Those hair grabbers, they never yodel. In the Venn Diagram, those are two completely separate circles.


(A J Tabaldo)
AJ: "My Idol dream has been every word in the dictionary."
W: "Abscond?"
(" Never Too Much ")
P: Is this Lionel Richie or something?
W: I don't like his turned up polo collar. He was a fetus when people were turning up their polo collars. Is that back in?
P: This guy sings in his car. Or in gay bars.
W: Yeah, I'll co-sign that.
P: He did look like he was having fun, though. Like, "bring me another lemon drop!"


(Phil Stacey)
P: Oh this is the guy who you somehow inexplicably think is hotter than Chris.
P: He's got weird serial killer eyes.
W: I'm okay with that. I agree his eyebrows are a little overexuberant… oh, this was the guy who skipped out on his baby.
P: And there's their baby. I feel neutral about his baby.
("I Could Not Ask for More")
P: Serial killer. Creepy weird serial killer.
W: This is Edwin McCain! Not from KR. I'm not sating that he has the sex appeal of Chris, okay? Or Ace. I'm saying that I am not neutral about him. I am pro-serial killer, I guess.
P: He's got a good voice. I will give you that.
W: He's a little goofy looking, though.
P: I like goofy looking, it's just.. I don't know. Maybe if he had hair.
W: If he had his eyebrows done. Differently. Wait, You mean if he had a little Picard fringe?
P: No…
W: I think there were letters in the clouds in the background that said "Vote for Phil."
P: Subliminal messages: the next generation of Chris lights.
W: It is, because we figured out the Chris lights.
P: The judges are totally into him.
P: And Simon brought up Chris, as a "past American Idol," which.. he wasn't.

P: Phil has pretty eyes, I guess.
W: And he has charisma. I think it's bald men with chains. The neck chain thing? It's good.
P: Does he have blush on?
W: It does look that way.
P: He looks like a mortician. There's something. I'll figure it out.
W: He looks like somebody in the non-union touring group of Les Miserables.
P: Playing whom? Some sad Frenchy?
W: Some nameless revolutionary who gets killed at the barricades. And he secretly hates the kid who plays what's his face.
P: Gavroche?
W: Yeah, Gavroche. He gets all the good lines.

W: I feel pandered to with Dr. Pepper. I feel like he's pandering to me. And with Brandon I feel he would be more effective if he were examining DNA on a corpse. And once again I'm creeped out by Sundance. See, now who do you think is creepier: Phil or Sundance?
P: Well neither of them is as creepy as Mike Boogie!
W: Or Captain Date Rape?
P: Exactly.
W: Oh, I love Paul Kim.
P: I forgot about this guy! Singing my Karaoke revolutionary song.
W: It is yours. You are the karaoke revolutionary.
P: Oh here's Cap'n Date Rape.
W: My prediction, date rape is going to top 12, mike boogie is going to top 12…
…Jack Osborne definitely. I don't think Sanjaya is, sadly enough. Unless the tween set likes him, like Chicken little.
P: Sundance might be gone.
W: I think Sundance is gone. I think the chubby American sympathetic vote is being split, but its going to weigh heavily to Chris Sligh. And I don't know about Captain Date Rape's wing man, here.
P: Mr. Blowjob.
W: Yeah, he might get into the pretty vote. And AJ here will get in with the gay vote.
P: He's definitely, like, trade.
W: I think that we... is that six now? That means poor Paul Kim is out.
P: I think Brandon is in.
W: I think Jack Osborne is in for sure, Phil Stacy I'm going to say yes he is. AJ is. I have a feeling about Cap'n Date Rape but I hope I'm wrong. And that leaves two spots for wild cards.
P: I'm going to say Brandon and Paul Kim. Mike Boogie, Jack Osborne.. I'll say Phil Stacy… and… I'm gonna go with Sanjaya as a wild card.
W: I don't think Brandon's gonna be in, and I think AJ will. And I don't think Sanjaya is in. And I kinda do think Cap'n Date rape is gonna get in
P: So to speak.
W: He's gonna get in somewhere, goddamnit, he bought you four drinks.


P: There is Ryan high-fiving the girls. He just said "good highlights" to someone.
W: Yeah, he's totally straight. "Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest and I wear lifts."

W: A montage. Of… yesterday. So officially I'm skeeved by Sundance. I'm not sure if I said that but they just showed him and I was like "uuuugggh.
P: Okay, we do not need to recap the montage of the thing that we just recapped.
W: I agree.
(We talk about Weetacon, our swag, haircuts, this weeks episode of The Office, prednisone… and the montage is still continuing.)
P: Okay, it's finally over. Now there's gonna be commercials, watch.
W: Ryan doesn't have a Dunkelman. And we're just gonna introduce and then there will be commercials.
P: Oh, did you see Antonella's blowjob pictures?
W: Yes. She's got really pretty eyes, like we said.
P: She's got really pretty eyes when she's looking up at someone whose dick she's sucking.
W: When she's looking at us through pubic hair.
P: And now Ryan and the judges are having this meaningless conversation.
W: I guess it's like their idea of foreplay, but its like the kind of foreplay when the guy is sticking his tongue in your ear and you're like "uh, stop it."
P: Ryan's being made to fill time with this useless banter.
W: So he is going for anything,. Like a drowning man going for a life raft. Ugh, a montage!
P: Okay, again with the not caring.


(Stephanie Edwards)
P: Oh I remember her.
W: I don't remember her at all.
P: Well soak up the montage.
W: I will. This is why the montages exist.
P: Because they've never shown any of these people before?
("How Come You Don't Call Me ")
W: I like her dress. It's unique.
P: She's got a nice smoky voice. And I love the colors of her dress.
W: They're unexpected but they're very chic right now.
P: Yeah, and the cut is great. That is a great dress.
W: Now, we didn't have anything close to this talent with the performances of the boys.
I know. I guess they don't want a male idol.
W: That was fantastic. Stephanie, yay. I say yes.
P: That was great, and she looks fabulous.
W: What is Paula wearing?

[Ryan announces Amy Krebs and Lesley Hunt coming up next]
W: How badly do I wish that Lesley Hunt's last name began with a K?
P: If you mixed Lesley Hunt and Amy Krebs together you'd get… Lamy Kunt.
W: Where does the Krebs come in?
P: I… have no idea.


W: Wow, Melinda Doolittle is lying. She said the guys were amazing.
P: That is in fact, a big fat lie. Oh, there's Antonella Blowjob.
W: I didn't recognize her without the cock in her mouth.

(Amy Krebs)
W: She's much better when she has a little body in her hair. I have to say, I don't like her with the flattened hair.
P: I don't remember this girl at all.
W: From your mouth to Simon's mouth. He just said the same thing.
("I Can't Make You Love Me")
W: It's Bonnie Raitt! This is a very hard song to sing. I can't sing it at karaoke, even though it's in my range.
P: I bet you can.
W: I really can't. I don't smoke enough, is the answer. I don’t have a smoky enough voice. Bonnie Raitt has a rode-hard-and-put-away-wet kind of voice. And I sound like a mermaid. Or a 12-year-old.
P: That is totally untrue by the way. I feel this performance is… fine.
W: It's meeting the expectations. No, it's "up for the requirement."
P: It's been over for a second and I've already forgotten it.
W: Yeah.
P: Randy's saying slightly more interesting things this season. And Paula's actually being semi-critical.
W: But apologizing for doing it.
P: I like Simon's candle analogy. It doesn't really make sense, but I like it. "How can Amy be more memorable?"
W: Light her hair on fire. Seriously, she needs to color her hair.
P: She's got this forced pageant smile, and you can tell she wants to kill herself.
W: She knows there's no hope.

(Lesley Hunt)
P: I like her, she's cute. She's got a Drew Barrymore quality.
W: She's got pretty eyes. I bet she's got good stage presence.
P: When you say "pretty eyes" I wonder if that’s code for "gives a good blowjob."
W: Yes. Yes it is.
("Natural Woman")
W: Ooh, and she's doing Carole King.
P: Love. Those. Boots.
W: I know. Just awesome. And yet the dress is kind of quirky to go with those boots. And gray is apparently the new black.
P: I think she looks adorable.
W: She's doing this weird bobblehead thing, though. I think she's just nervous.
P: I am totally on board with his chick.
W: Even though her last name doesn't end with a K sound.
P: That's your criteria, not mine.
W: It's just the little things that make me laugh.
P: Like "The Black Family" on Amazing Race.
W: Yes! Exactly.
P: She is fun.
W: I think she's off key a little bit. But that’s really hard to sing. I don't even know if I know how it's supposed to sound.
P: I like her a lot more than the judges did.
W: I think they're constructively criticizing her. I see some truth in what they were saying. She could definitely improve her performance style.
P: Oh god, the Dawg Pound.

P: "Sabrina Sloan and Antonella Barba get their close-ups next." Antonella's already had hers.
W: She's already had her money shot. So is she getting kicked out for that?
P: Probably. We'd better make the blowjob jokes while we can.


(Sabrina Sloan)
P: I feel like she reminds me of someone. Jennifer Grey, if she were half black?
W: Yeah, with all those Dirty Dancing curls?
P: I think it's her mouth.
W: From certain shots she kind of looks like Sandra Bullock too.
("I Never Really Loved A Man…")
P: I don't know this song, but she's doing a pretty good job.
W: It's on the Commitments! This is old school Motown. My sister came told me that the theme of this episode is "You're only good if you're black." And that's kind of holding true.
P: That was good.
W: It was great. I'm not sure about her skinny jeans, but I enjoyed it. What language is Randy talking?
P: "We take a lot of stick"?
W: What does that even mean?
P: I hear Antonella Barba takes a lot of stick.
W: That's what she said.

(Antonella Barba)
W: I can't look at her without thinking about what her nipples look like.
P: They look weird.
W: I think she's had implants since then.
P: Oh yeah. She definitely did not have them in the pictures.
("Don't Want To Miss A Thing")
W: She's doing Aerosmith?
P: I think it's an interesting song choice. And… that was an interesting note she just hit.
W: She's a little goaty.
P: Just watching her hold a microphone is funny.
W: You expect it to go down and touch her tonsils. That guy is whispering to the girl next to him "She sucked my balls."
P: Hee.
W: And the worst part is, that's her father. Oh, that's wrong.
P: That is so wrong.
W: What's with that? She did this weird movement like "Here are my breasts."
P: She's terrible. But I hope she doesn't get eliminated because: no more blow job jokes.
W: And the world is a richer place for the blow job jokes.

Randy: What do you think I'm gonna say right now"?
W: "You sound like a goat"? ""Will you suck my cock?"
P: Paula's fallback—"you're so pretty."
W: "Your shirt is red. I like red."
P: That’s actually a pretty whorish looking red.
W: Simon's like, "The good news is, you can always suck my cock to get through to the next round."


(Jordin Sparks)
P: Look how cute Jordin Sparks is.
W: I really like Jordin Sparks' shirt.
P: She is cute as a button. She reminds me of America Ferrera.
W: She does. When America Ferrera is allowed to be pretty.
P: Aww.
W: I love her!
P: I want her to win! Go Jordin!
("Give Me One Reason")
P: Oh, nice song choice. This is a great song, and its really fun the way she's singing it.
W: This is perfect.
P: Please don’t lose 50 pounds, Jordin Sparks.
W: I like that I can't see her frickin' shoulder bones.
P: I think she's perfect—she's gorgeous.
W: She is. She's absolutely perfect. I'm glad that we get to hear Jordin sing all season.


(Nicole Tranquilo)
W: She reminds me of Alanis Morisette.
P: I can see that. I feel that she's just.. generic.
W: Yeah. Again, I think she needs to color her hair.
("Stay Together")
W: This isn't pretty.
P: This is… awkward and weird.
W: It is. Is it performance art?
P: She's just got… not a nice voice.
W: I love how her dad is off-beat clapping for her. This is awful.
P: It is, it's screechy.
W: It's off-putting.
P: This does not make me want to vote for her or see her again.
W: Exactly.
P: I don't know why Paula likes her. I agree with Randy—wrong vibe.
W: She looks like she's about to cry. She's got a really good smoky eye going, though.
P: I don’t know what the right attitude is when you get criticized by the judges but I don’t think she's coming off well.


(Haley Scarnato)
W: I kinda like her dress.
P: Big necklaces are also in, I guess. Oh, this is pantsuit girl!
W: Yes. Who has a nice back, you said.
P: I think I liked her and her pantsuit.
W: I liked her a lot.
("It's All Coming Back To Me Now.")
W: Yay! Celine Dion. And that’s a pantsuit!
P: She enjoys pantsuits.
W: She does the making love to the camera like McPheever. She does that smile and glance to the camera.
P: She's not wowing me, but I like her. It's not quite Celine, and that's the problem.
W: It's the Splenda version.
P: I am pulling for her to make it though. I think she can do better.
W: I think she can do better too.

(Melinda Doolitle)
P: Oh, she's sweet. I saw her with Jen Wade and we were talking about how she looks like she's always shrugging her shoulders.
W: She does.
P: I don't know if she is shrugging them, or if they're just high.
W: She might just be a small boned person.
P: Or a small-necked person.
W: Maybe.
P: Well I like her and her tiny neck.
W: Maybe her head is just really big. Or her shoulders are really muscular.
(" Since You've Been Gone")
P: Now she's shrugging them during the song.
W: Maybe that's how they got so strong, al the shrugging. I think she's awesome though.
P: Yeah, she's great.
W: How old is she? It's like she's 48.
P: I constantly forget that Taylor Hicks is, in theory, not 48.
W: She's got Taylor Hicks disease.
P: I think in this case it's her hair. She has old hair. And a mature voice.
W: And this weird body that she's got going on, with the shoulders.
P: Niiiiice. Wow, great voice.
W: She's fantastic. Ryan's happy because he's taller than her.
P: Aw, Ryan likes her. Not that way…
W: Obviously.

(Alaina Alexander)
P: This girl is so pretty. She has pretty eyes.
W: And not the kind with the cock in the mouth.
("Brass In Pocket ")
P: Oh I like this song. Lost in Translation!
W: It's a good song for her to do, because she has a good smoky voice.
P: She's kinda off though, in the singing part of it.
W: A little bit.
P: She's got gorgeous hair.
W: She's pretty much perfect.
P: Except her voice.
W: Yeah.. well… isn't she the one we didn't like because she felt she deserved it?
P: I guess I'm back to liking her again. I'm fickle.
W: Yes you are.
P: That last note, not so good.
W: No. Once again, if you're white and singing, you suck.
P: "Ryan, are you trying to date this girl?" They’re both stunned by the suggestion.
W: The gears are turning in Ryan's head. "Date girl. Does not compute."

(Gina Glocksen)
W: I like her. and also, I've been to Naperville Illinois and it's kind of sucky.
P: I think she needs some styling help.
W: She does, yeah. But I think her hair is taking chances, and I like that.
("All By Myself")
W: I love this song.
P: Who doesn't love this song?
W: Communists.
P: Terrorists.
W: If I didn't have pneumonia, I'd sing along with it. When the music ramps up like that, I just get verkelmt.
P: That glory note, she could hold it, but I didn't like the tone.
W: It was a brave note. She went for it. But it was a harsh tone.
P: There's something about the tone of her voice I don't enjoy.
W: "Big girl, big voice"? Did Randy just call her fat?
P: And Ryan called Jordin fat before!
W: I think he was mocking himself, and calling himself tiny.
P: Hmm. Maybe.


(LaKisha Jones)
P: I love LaKisha.
W: I do too. We didn't get to see any of these cute outfits from LaKisha.
P: Because she's gonna win and we'll see lots of cute outfits.
("And I Am Telling You I'm Not Going")
P: This song is a big fucking risk. Especially when J. Hudson is about to win an Oscar for singing it.
W: This is ballsy.
P: I mean, she can fuckin' sing it.
W: Maybe she picked it because the Jennifer Hudson role in Dreamgirls is about the fat girl. Maybe she's always identified with the character.
P: She's really into it, she's great. She's another one of those fat girls not afraid to show her arms.
W: She's awesome.
P: She's really performing it. I can't believe she's singing this, and it rules.
W: I love her. I like her crazy face, and her tooth… I love her.
P: Go for it, LaKisha.
W: She looks so pretty too. And that hair is great tonight.
P: Aw, standing ovation from the Dawg Pound!
W: And the whole audience.
P: Yay LaKisha! Look at Simon's big watch strap. It's huge!
W: That’s what she said.
P: Hee. I agree with Simon, it was in a different league. And those other girls do not look happy.
W: They're like, "Fucking hell. At least she's fat."

P: Now it's time for another montage, right? And now we have to predict the final six. Stephanie, yes. Amy, no.
W: Yeah…
P: Leslie, no, even though I like her.
W: Unfortunately.
P: Sabrina, yes… Antonella definitely no. Unless she opens her mouth really wide and swallows that microphone. Jordin for sure yes.
W: Yes. love Jordin. Nicole, so not. Wow, my sister was right.
P: Haley might be one of the white girls to make it.
W: There will al ways be people who only vote for white girls.
P: Melinda yes, I hope.
W: I hope, but I have a feeling that she won't wow as much as LaKisha or Jordan. I would have thought the same thing about Paris.
P: Alaina probably not, except she's really pretty. I could see her sticking around undeservedly.
W: I think Gina's gonna go. Like Amy Adams.
P: LaKisha, absolutely yes. And that's one.. two.. oh, we said no to more than six.
W: In that case Alaina and possibly Gina, those would be my wild cards.
P: I would agree with you.

[Due to time and scheduling constraints this week, we did not recap the results show. The two girls out were Nicole and Amy—Pie felt they were both forgettable and generic; Weetabix felt they both needed to dye their hair. The two guys were Rudy "Diet Dr. Pepper" Cardenas and Paul "In Spite of the Feet" Kim. We'll be back next week with a liveblog, since for once, we will both be in the same town. There will be wine, and merriment, and I think it is safe to say, more blowjob jokes. In the meantime…Weetapidol out.]

Sunday, February 18, 2007

I Swear On The Ghost Of Dunkelman

W: Do you have wine?
P: I was actually already drinking when you called, although I forgot today was Sunday and that we were going to play Weetapidol. But I am drinking.
W: I am drinking Sierra Mist. The January 2007 vintage. And now eating mystery chocolate.
P: Chocolate is always in order. And I was going to say, I was drinking vodka because I was reading Finnegans Wake and I decided you can’t do that without liquor.
W: Oh, I was just reading about that book. The idea is that James Joyce was actually replicating the language learning of artificial life forms?
P: I think he was probably just hammered the whole time he was writing it..
W: You’re probably right.
P: For seventeen years.


P: Go Daughtry! I was listening to his single today and decided I really do like it.
W: I do too, although I don’t like DAUGHTRY! and the pointing and the glasses. I still feel the glasses were his demise. And America agreed with me.
P: Ah yes, the glasses.
W: If I had wine, I would toast to the fact that we aren’t going to see sucky singers.
P: I would toast right along with you.
W: Although you know what? I’m being too optimistic, because Pickler and Bucky were in the top 12.
P: Good point. And… I don’t actually remember who any of these people are.
W: I remember Gabrielle Union looking girl. I remember the stripper girl. I remember the dreamcatcher girl. And that’s about it.
P: I remember the hot sixteen year old and the guy who looks like Jack Osborne.
W: I remember the sixteen year old. Jenry.

P: Oh god I hate this girl! This Jorie girl.
W: Oh yes, this is the Jorie girl who you… hate? Wait, I thought you liked Jorie?
P: No, there’s something about her I hate.
W: That’s right, I think you said she thought she deserved it too much.
(Pie’s Parakeets chirp in the background)
W: The birds like her. But I’m not feeling it.
P: And Jorie says she’s satisfied. Of course Jorie’s satisfied. She’s smug.

W: Why did we get to see Jorie for all that time, and now a montage of these other girls?
P: It’s either because Jorie’s going or she’s the only one staying.
(Simon sends them all home)
P: Wow, he’s in a bad mood. And some of them sounded good. I really wonder how many girls there are, though.
W: I don’t know. That whole auditorium is really packed.


P: Yay Los Angeles! Palm trees, pretty.
W: Isn’t that Shakira girl? One of those is Shakira girl.
P: I have no idea.
W: Yeah, this is her. How did they get the cameras in the boarding area. You have to be ticketed. Did the camera guys have to buy a ticket?
P: It’s the magic of American Idol.
(Shakira girl sings “Hips Don’t Lie” in flashback and in Hollywood)
P: Is she singing the same song? She only knows one song?

W: Rachel Jenkins, I say no.
P: She’s wearing her husband on a little pouch. I say no also.
W: We didn’t even see any of these people.
P: Shakira girl made it through.
W: We didn’t even see that other girl.
P: This is why I usually start watching at the top 12.
W: Well, you’re smart.
P: We’ll see if Shakira can sing another song.
W: Well I’m sure the actual Shakira has an extensive discography.
P: Oh her name is Perla. That’s… no.

(Baylie Brown)
P: Is this that Tara Reid chick?
W: Yeah.
P: I think she’s gonna make it.
W: Yeah I do too.
P: She’s got a Katharine McPhee thing happening.
W: Oh this is the one I said sounded like the Dixie Chick. I think she’s got a unique voice, other than the fact that she sounds exactly like a Dixie Chick.
P: On the other hand, they already have a Carrie Underwood.
W: That’s true.
P: “I’ve made my parents proud. So I’ve already won.” Oh honey. No you didn’t.

P: I don’t understand how after all this cutting they still end up with people like Jasmine. Or John Stevens. Or Camille.
W: I have no answer. Except maybe they have to seed the crowd a little bit. If you have a bunch of really good people, you need some polarizing people too.
P: I guess that’s true. Maybe it’s the love it or hate it thing. If you find people with a unique quality, you’ll love them or hate them. What did this girl just refuse to sing?
W: A song… they didn’t say what song it was. Unless I missed it.
P: “How can I put my heart in a song I’m not feelin’” Sack it up, you have to be a professional.
W: Yeah, imagine what you’d have to sing in your professional career.
P: Like “Do I Make You Proud.”
W: Exactly.
P: And here’s the handicapped mother, this is just pandering. And this girl is a spoiled brat.
W: So all they did was girls so far?
P: Yeah, I think Wednesday is guys,.
W: 56 out of 114 girls. So they cut more than half of the original girls. Of the Hollywood girls.
P: Oh, I guess we’re getting the guys next. Nevermind.

(Pie fixes herself another vodka cocktail)

P: There are far fewer guys.
W: Although maybe it means they’re trying to get a girl American idol.
P: I think they still want a white guy.
W: They just had a white guy.
P: I meant a marketable white guy.

(Some Guy)
W: This guy’s got dreamy eyes.
P: He’s a Clay Aikenish character.
W: Except he’s wearing white socks with black pants. HATE.

(Jarrod Fowler)
P: He’s not gonna get through.
W: No. The vocal quality just isn’t there. And he’s got a very disturbing mole or something between his eyes.

(Matt Sato )
P: He looks like a very boyish girl. He looks like Hilary Swank.
W: He does. Or Kim from America’s Next Top Model. He’s very pretty. For a boy.
P: He’d make a great drag queen I’m sure.
W: I feel like he doesn’t really have the bone structure. Maybe he’d make a really realistic drag queen. And I was thinking he was gay, but look at those white sneakers.
P: It just goes to show you, I guess. You never can judge.

W: Jack Osborne made it through!
P: I didn’t think Matt was that good, but good for him.
W: Watching them cry is not as entertaining as watching them sing.
34 to the next round.
W: Out of how many?
P: They didn’t say.

(92 contestants left.)

P: Oh, the group round. That’s tomorrow? What are we going to do today?
W: They have to practice and do all of their stuff tonight.
P: Oh I get it.
W: Oh my god, they just have to pick people?
P: That’s cruel.
W: That IS cruel.
P: So do they get to pick a song? I would like to know more what’s going on.
W: I would like more rules.
P: They have to put together a dance routine also.
W: That is crazy.
P: Oh god, not Amanda and Antonella. There’s too much personal politics here. I just want to hear singing.
W: American Idol tries to be every reality show ever. They’re going to have challenges soon…
P: …an immunity idol…Tim Gunn…
W: “Idols, you’ll need to caucus…”
P: “What happened to Andrae?”
W: Hee.

P: It must suck to have someone in your group who doesn’t get it.
W: It can bring your whole group down.
P: Why is that girl singing into a wine glass?
W: I guess using it as a prop.
P: I think it’s a shoutout to Weetapidol.
W: You know, it is. Give them all wine glasses. So they will know.


P: It’ll be interesting to see how many groups get through with the whole group. How good the judges are at evaluating individual performances.
W: What are they looking for? People who don’t gel?
P: Wow, if you forget the words you’re out.
W: Yeah.
P: Oh no… Matt and his group are terrible.
W: There are a lot of co-ed groups.
P: I’m curious to see how Shakira’s drama group goes.
W: I’m curious to see how this chick thought the lamé top was a good idea.
P: They must all have pretty much the same song.
W: Sounds like it.
P: The judges don’t seem to like any of them.
W: Shakira doing the Supremes. Or no, the Rhonettes.
P: Marisa Rhodes is the only good one in the group.
W: She knows it, too.
P: Wow, he passed all three of them. I didn’t think the other two were very good either. Just Marisa.

W: I like this Chris Sligh guy.
P: Me too.
W: I don’t like Blake Lewis at all.
P: No.
W: Because he just started beatboxing.
P: They probably prearranged that. And yet it’s still so douchey.
W: They were very good though.
P: And they all get through!

(Sundance and his group)
P: Are these words?
W: No, I think it’s that hummina hummina thing.
P: This guy’s name is Sundance?
W: It sounds like the name of a horse.
P: Good call. It’s totally the name of a horse. And basically Randy and Simon hate him, so he’s not going to make it all the way.
W: Jason is actually his name, but he wants to be called Sundance?

(Baylie and the best friends)
P: There is so much going on with these other two girls that Baylie has no part of.
W: Oh no, Baylie!
P: She forgot the words! I guess I can understand being nervous, but… learn the fucking words.
W: Yeah, it’s all you’ve been doing all night. I think I would have to put the words on my hand.
P: Aww.
W: I thought Baylie was the best of the three of them.
P: It’s true but, I mean, own your shit. Learn the words. She got too distracted by the drama happening with those other two. Okay, I hate this other chick. Amanda.


W: By the end of the day, there will be 40.
P: So they must have to get down to 24. 12 and 12.
W: The editing is so bad here. Are you watching the number of photos come and go?
P: Look at Ryan Seacrest in his little vest.
W: He is very slim.
P: Are two of the rooms yes or one no, or…
W: It depends on how many people are in each room.

(Room One)
W: Oh no, Jack Osborne is in this room. And Douche Boy. Oh no, I think Jack Osborne is gonna go! And there’s Marissa or whatever her name is.
P: Oh they made it through.
W: Yay!

(Room Two)
P: This is gonna be the “out” room.
W: Yeah. There’s a lot of people in room two.
(They are through)
W: They faked us out.

(Room Three is out)
P: So who got eliminated?
W: Sanjaya’s sister for sure.
P: And good, that bitch Amanda.


W: And we open with Ryan coming out of a closet.
P: Ah, Ryan. Why am I so affectionate towards him this season?
W: Now we see what he has to go through. It’s hard being an American Idol host. And apparently it’s a road he must go alone.

P: Okay, what are they going to do today?
W: Final 40.
P: Do they actually have to sing now?
W: That guy was just doing Ace hands. Or was that actually Ace? It looked like actually Ace.
P: I think it was Ace.
W: Are they showing us who’s not making it through? Are they telling us what’s about to happen? I hate this show.
P: I like when it gets to the top 24, so this is actually great.
W: But right now this is 40. So we only have to cut… what, 16 people?
P: I guess so. I’m on my third cocktail so I’m a little too drunk to do math.
W: I’m on codeine so I don’t really care. Math is just a concept.
P: I haven’t found any body to psychotically root for yet.
W: I like Jack Osborne. I like Sanjaya.
P: Jenry seems to be gone.
W: Oh, you’re right. Or he has been hidden from us.
P: Once it gets to top 24, I can start looking for my pool choices.
W: We choose people for the pool in the top 12, right?
P: Yeah, I mean I can start advance scouting.
W: Aah.

W: I like Sanjaya.
P: I think he’s mediocre.
W: Really? I think it’s his smile.
P: I feel totally apathetic about him. I guess I need sex appeal in my Idol, and he’s sexless.
W: Well he’s Chicken Little. He’s… this is horrible, but.. he’s Chicken Tandoori Little.
P: Ha! And wow, this girl’s tall.
W: This is the crazy tall lady. She’s 6’6”.
P: So we don’t get to hear them sing? We just get to hear yes or no.
W: What’s the point of this? Why didn’t they just get down 24 in the first place?
P: Ratings. They’re gonna pad this shit as much as possible.
W: Clearly.
P: This is weird. “I know I’m not that great of a singer, but who cares?” And now they’re cutting some guy I’ve never seen before that I don’t give a shit about.
W: Seriously, what is the point of this? If they don’t get another change to sing and prove themselves.
P: And now they’ve got this tragic music… I don’t even know who these people are. It’s a bunch of randos being eliminated right now. And the vast majority of these people are going through.
W: Well, 24 of them, yeah.
P: There’s that math again.
W: Carry the one, Pie.

(Melinda Doolittle)
W: Did we actually see this girl sing?
P: No! That’s what I’m saying. Who the hell are these people?

(Brandon Rogers )
P: Oh I remember this guy.
W: This is the one who reminds me of Warrick from CSI. He has got that kind of smile;
P: He’s cute. I could root for him. And he made it?
W: Yeah. Warrick made it.
P: Good. I’m officially rooting for him and Chris Sligh.
W: Who’s Chris Sligh again?
P: Jack Osborne.
W: Okay. Yes.


P: Here’s Ryan Seacrest. I love the caption: “Ryan Seacrest” as though we don’t know who he is by now.
W: I love how he plants the seed of hatred in all the contestants who are waiting.
P: What did he say?
W: He said “everyone who says they made it, that’s one less spot for the people here.”
P: Harsh.

(Gina Glockson)
P: And here’s this girl singing rather poorly.
W: She didn’t make it in a previous season.
P: Oh, she made it through this time I guess. I agree with you: what’s the point?
W: Yeah.
P: I don’t want to watch these people cry for an hour and a half.
W: I do like her shoes. Did she just jump on Ryan? Oh no, that’s not Ryan.
P: A girl jumping on Ryan would be a lost cause. And here’s other randos getting eliminated.
W: But notice how Ryan buffered it by telling us they won’t going to make it.
P: True.
W: This guy is dressed like a Bible salesman.

(Hayley Scanardo)
W: She’s the girl who has the hot mom, isn’t it?
P: No, the girl who had the hot mom didn’t make it.
W: Oh right.
P: Paula’s doing her “it’s so pretty” hands.

(Philip Stacy)
W: He’s skeevy.
P: Totally skeevy. He should form a band with K.Fed.
W: That’s the guy who skipped out on his wife in labor. We don’t like him.
P: No we do not.
W: Who’s that rando back there? Who’s Ellie May Clampett?

P: Are we going to get to hear any of these people sing?
W: Maybe during the immunity challenge.
P: Hee.
W: But next week is our week. We will have people singing. Who we can rip apart.
P: The Simpsons movie?
W: “Now we’re interrupting this non-singing to watch more non-singing”
P: “Now here’s an ad for one of our other shows.” That was really stupid.
W: Yeah.
P: Oh good, now they’re at the studio. This is pathetic.

(Chris Sligh)
W: Jack Osborne!
P: You’d think the judges would get sick of hearing “If you ever really love a woman”
W: I got sick of hearing it the first time I ever heard it.
P: Hee. And Chris had better make it through….
W: Yay!
P: Phew!

(Blake Lewis)
W: Here’s Blake Lewis, the tool.
P: Let’s refer to him as The Beatboxing Tool.
W: Hopefully we won’t have to refer to him at all very much longer.
P: It’s his frosted hair, I think, that’s troubling.
W: It’s the whole package.
(He’s through)
W: Boo. He’s like Jon Peter Lewis. I hated Jon Peter Lewis.

(Rudy Cardenas)
W: He might be the Eliot Yamin of this competition.
P: You’re right. Ryan’s announcing it to the other contestants, all like “And he takes a spot!... FROM YOU.”


P: This episode is just filler.
W: That dark-haired girl who was really good? She reminds me of that chick from the Notebook.
P: Rachel McAdams?
W: Yes.
P: I have no idea who you mean, but I will record it for posterity.

(Paul Kim)
P: Here’s some Asian guy I’ve never seen before. Playing air piano.
W: He does weird twinkling things with his hands. You’re right, I never would have recognized that, but that is air piano.

(Jordan Sparks)
W: Oh I remember her. She was great.
P: I don’t remember her.
W: She was really really good in the audition. She was fantastic. She’s like the daughter of somebody famous.
P: She’s pretty.
W: Yay! I’m pretty sure that dress is from Torrid.
P: It’s very cute.

P: Here is a montage of tragic randos.
W: A Monique!
P: Aww, I want there to be a Monique I can vote for.

(a bunch of people make it)

P: It’s 5:30 p.m. and I can’t bring myself to care about any of this.
W: I likewise don’t like Alaina Alexander.
P: Oh yeah, she has pretty eyes.
W: That’s what we said about her initially. Randy’s got very pointy boots on.
P: And that is a totally skanky shirt.
W: Yeah.
P: It’s a skanky shade of red. And her singing… no.
W: No, that’s flat. That is bad. Oh my god.
P: If she makes it through, then.. bleh.
W: Then it’s just because of her cleavage.
P: And her skanky red outfit.
W: She made it through.
P: Now is it down to people voting?
W: Yeah, I think so.
P: Then you never know what can happen. Jasmine placed third.
W: That’s true. Randy thought Jasmine was gonna win, actually.
P: She did have one good performance in there somewhere.
W: It was before the show had started.

(Sabrina Sloan)
P: Well she’s way better than skanky red chick.
W: Yeah, she’s got far more control over her voice. But her hair needs hot oil treatment. Stat.

(yet another montage of rando losers)
P: That girl is named Princess? And she has horrible eye shadow.
W: Maybe she was a drag queen.
P: A lot of these girls have tops with empire waist bands. That must be a new trend.

(Lakisha Jones)
W: Lakisha, darlin’ I don’t like your hair.
P: Go Lakisha!
W: I like Lakisha.
P: I think if Simon talks, they’re in. Paula seems to be the one breaking the bad news to people.
W: You may have figured out the American Idol code.
P: If my code is right, Lakisha is in.
(Lakisha is through to the next round)
P: And my code is right!
W: She managed to cry very prettily. I can’t do that.
P: I’ve never cried into a mirror.
W: You’ve never looked into a mirror and gone “oh my god, who’s that gargoyle?”
P: Never!
W: Go Lakisha!
P: We need a hot fat chick in this.
W: She needs some counseling on the hair, but I enjoy her.


(Nicole Tranquilo)
P: She’s cute. She’s kind of got a Jennifer Connelly thing happening.
W: She does kind of. And again with the Empire waist top.
P: I think I have successfully identified this new fashion trend.

(Jared Connor)
W: He just tweaked his nipples.

(Amy Krepps)
P: This girl is pathetic in some vague sense.
W: You think?
P: “It felt like hoooome.” She’s much more confident on stage…
W: Mmm hmm…
P: …than she is sitting in that chair.

P: Two girls and two guys left. And two chairs.
W: Oh, this is gonna be cruel.
P: I’m way rooting for Marisa over Antonella.
W: Me too. And sadly, I’m rooting for Sundance. Even though he looks like my stalker.
(The girls)
W: “Hi, we’re gonna pretend to be supportive of each other.”
P: Marisa’s got a much better voice.
W: She does. Much better quality. And looks like Rachel McAdams.
P: Oh THAT’s who you were talking about.
W: Yes. Now if Antonella doesn’t make it, I question why they put her through to the top 40? Just so they could have the drama?
(Antonella is through)
W: WRONG. Boo.
P: Yeah that’s totally incorrect.
W: Sketchy hootchie red sweater as a dress gets through and Rachel McAdams doesn’t get through? That’s wrong.
P: At leat Antonella put one over on her bitchy best friend.
(Marisa collapses in the elevator)
W: Poor girl. That’s just sad.
P: If you’re the person who made it through, I don’t know what you do in this situation. You can’t really comfort the losing person without coming off like a bitch.

(the guys)
W: Did they just split them by demographic? Like “here are the two traditionally nonhandsome guys.”
P: Chris Sligh is way more traditionally nonhandsome than them.
(Sundance is in)
W: I just don’t understand their… I just don’t understand it. I really just wonder if they don’t stack the lineup with people who are easy to vote for. Or vote against. I just don’t understand.
P: I guess now, America will decide.
W: “What have you done, America?”
P: The official inaugural “What have you done America” of the new season.
W: Oh my god, that guy just flipped off America.

(Recap of top 24.)
P: I don’t like any of the girls.
W: I like Lakisha and Jordan.
P: Okay those are the only two I like. And I like Brandon…
W: …Sundance…
P: I like Chris.
W: Yes, Chris Sligh is awesome. And I like Sanjaya for no reason.
P: Looking at this group, I am not optimistic for this season. There’s no Chris Daughtry.
W: No. Well, there it is. We’ve gotten through it. Thank fucking god. Next year we start at top 24.
P: Yeah.
W: Promise me.
P: I promise. I promise.
W: Good.

Weetapidol out.

Tuesday, February 13, 2007

Forget the Alamo

P: Speaking of soothing in a hateful way, here’s Ryan Seacrest!
W: Do you think he wore the plaid to appease the Texans? Because it’s vaguely Texan?
P: In pink? No.

W: So these people are sleeping outside.
P: I guess so.
W: That’s sad.
P: I wonder if that makes a difference in what order they get in?
W: No, because you have to see the producers. Although maybe if you line up faster you’ll get to the end faster. So, maybe. And I do like the Rawhide song in the background.

P: And now there’s many people yelling. That’s really a lot of people.
W: That guy looks like Chris.
P: No he doesn’t.
W: No, he’s much better looking,
P: What? No way!
W: Oh wait, don’t forget, his name is DAUGHTRY now.
P: You’re right. I can’t defend myself.

W: What is Paula wearing?
P: A print. HAHAHA! Sorry, that’s not even funny, I don’t know why I’m laughing.
W: Ha ha ha. Oh, mo pie!

(Bryan Kyrish)

W: When you dance for the camera, it means you can’t sing. If they show you dancing, you can’t sing.
P: So maybe there’s an inversely proportional relationship there. Also those camouflage pants are no good.
W: Never.

P: I think he’ll be good. I think you’re wrong about the dancing corollary.
(he starts singing)
P: No, you’re absolutely right about the dancing corollary.

W: I am going to write an article for a scholarly journal.
P: Hee.
W: We respect the higher learning here at Weetapidol.

W: This wine is so classy that it has a screw cap.
P: But screw caps are the new black! Because cork changes the flavor of the wine.
W: There is no changing the flavor of this Reisling. I think it was four dollars.
P: Well that’s what happens when you take wine risks. Occasionally they do not pan out.
W: And sometimes they do. Hence the gold wine.

(Wedding singer Haley Scarnato)

W: She’s pretty, she’s gonna go on. That’s all you need to know. Wait, she’s dancing.
P: Maybe they force them to dance.
W: Maybe they do! Maybe this is psychological analysis of the editing. And she looks like a backup dinner of Abba in that pantsuit.
P: I love that pantsuit!
W: You would rock that pantshit.
P: Well she’s got a great back. And that’s weird, I’ve never noticed anyone having a good back before.

W: She’s very good, and she danced. Well there went my dancing corollary.
P: There’s some work to be done on the dancing corollary, but she was embarrassed and she didn’t breakdance. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
W: Okay, we just need to refine it. They haven’t stopped her. They love her.
She really is kind of Kelly Clarkson-esque.

W: Kelly wouldn’t have worn something that bootylicious though.

P: Wow, Randy does not love her.
W: That’s interesting. They’re calling her generic.
P: She’s not gonna end up in the top 12.
W: No, we won’t remember her. Because she’s generic. Ooh, she looks like Charlie Sheen’s ex.
P: I don’t see—oh this blonde chick.


(Jasmine Holland)

P: So people are playing accordions and guitars and something crazy is going on there. Camel toe! Hello!
W: There is a lot going on there.
P: Um, yeah.
W: So once they get into the “holding room” they have to wait until their family gets there, I’m guessing.
P: Oh, good call.

P: Yeah, those are the wrong pants.
W: No, they are not a good pant.
P: And that’s not a good voice.
W: But she’s not so bad that I understand why the producers put her in there for good TV factor. Unless it’s just the toe.
P: They put her in for toe factor. And she’s not that bad. She’s mediocre.
W: She’s actually much better than braid girl.
P: “You all are being rude”? “You all have a camel toe and you can’t sing!” We don’t feel sorry for her, she was just mean to Randy!
W: I know, there should not be sad music right now.
P: “He should go back to British.” That’s making a great impression. That’s America’s sweetheart, right there.
W: I would like to go back to British.
P: Who wouldn’t? Oh god.

P: So far we’ve had nipples and camel toe.
W: It sounds like a rock band.
P: It sounds like OUR rock band.
W: I wanna be Nipples. Come on, nobody is going to want to be Toe.
P: We can both be Nipples!
W: Yeah, Nipples! It’s plural. And we’re both perky.
P: Ha!
W: I can see the album cover right now.

(Baylie Brown)

P: Oh here’s Denise Richards. She looks like Tara Reid too, which is unsettling.
W: She does. She's got kitties and sheep.
P: Like… in her pants?
W: What the hell, Nipples?!
P: I don’t see…
W: On her farm.
P: Oh, I don't think we're watching the same thing.
W: She’s got a nice closet.
P: A nice… closet?
W: Yeah. And by “closet” I mean…um… “not a toe.”
P: She's very pretty.
W: Her eyebrows are a mess, though. I’m surprised, usually the blondes have these little microscopic eyebrows.
P: See, I wouldn't notice that.
W: She sounds like the blonde Dixie chick who’s married to Adrian Pasdar.
P: That means nothing to me.
W: Natalie Maines.
P: That still means nothing.
W: Oh.
P: This girl, they like her only because she’s pretty.
W: Actually, she has a pretty good voice! And she’s pretty.
P: She’s not my type.
W: Really? You wouldn’t hit that?
P: Naah. The Tara Reid/Denise Richardson thing is throwing me off.
W: Yeah she’d be the type that just lays there and looks pretty.


P: They’re in Texas. When did they get to Texas?
W: Sometime between last week and this week.

(montage of door confusion)

W: Because they always lock that one.
P: Just for the sake of this very montage.
W: Perhaps.
P: Otherwise they’d have a sign on the door that says “THIS ONE.”
W: They've been saying “other door” for seasons now. And in this montage, they’re in different cities.
P: I wonder why it’s locked all the time. It’s another mystery I want to solve, like the numbers.

(Guys who are roommates/lovers/twins/something/I missed it)

W: I hope they’re good.
P: I like their beautiful friendship.
W: I do too. I like their platonic heterosexual enjoyment of each other.
P: William Green is… not good.
W: He is so not good, William Green. I had hopes.
P: Why do they keep singing when Randy and Paula start cracking up?
W: I don’t know.
P: I mean at that point, don’t they realize they’re doomed?
W: He has a very nice tone to his voice, he's just tone deaf. It’s a very nice timbre.
P: Oh, that’s how that’s pronounced?
W: Isn’t it French?
P: I have no idea. Oh, they’re cousins!
W: This is so sad.
P: Maybe the other guy is good.
W: Maybe.
P: This guy looks like Dwayne Wayne.
W: He does! And he does have a great voice. And he’s not tone deaf. That’s the difference.
P: They don’t like Dwayne Wayne’s personality. He needs to look more like Tara Reid.
W: You know what he needs to do? He needs to do Jesus hands like Ace!
P: Yay, he made it!
W: Yay, hooray.
P: Aw, and his cousin is happy for him. Aww! [in a squeaky voice] This is so heartwarming! [normal voice] Wow, my voice just went up seventeen octaves.
W: I know! That was like dolphin range.


W: Ryan’s standing in front of the Alamo.
P: Ryan’s doing Jesus hands.
W: I have him doing Jesus hands…
P: So here’s another montage. Another horrible, wretched montage. With some horrible, unfortunate people.

(Sandie Chavez)
W: I like how the light is shining just on her.
P: I think this is a fakeout. I think she sucks.
W: I think so too, because she said “I had sang.” And her purple eyeshadow speaks of no talent. In more ways than one.
[She begins to sing "Black Velvet." Allegedly.]
P: Like… what part of this song is she singing?
W: Good call. Fakeout.
P: Yep.
W: Maybe these are the “Excuse me while I kiss this guy” lyrics.
P: She thinks the lyrics are “hummina huh bluh bluuh?”
W: Did she say, “smell little boy”?
P: Oh, and she’s crying now.
W: Aw, that’s sad. I can’t understand what she’s saying when she’s crying either.
P: That was truly horrible. That poor girl.
[Paula tells her some crap about how she should focus on being a teacher.]
W: Oh Paula, that was so nicely spun.
P: See, now I feel bad for this girl! This is why I don’t like these rounds!

(Ashley something)

P: I bet this girl can sing.
W: She’s beautiful. She’s got the prettiest eyes.
P: Yeah, she is… really pretty. Maybe I‘m being seduced by her prettiness like Simon.
W: No, she’s awesome. She only had to sing four notes and I know.
P: She’s got great teeth. And earrings.
W: She’s fantastic. I’d like to see a different lip gloss on her.
P: Oh my god, they’re not gonna let her through?
W: What?!
P: Did she do something weird with her face? I didn’t even see it.
W: I was entranced by her beauty. Bullshit!
P: That was just weird.
W: And Denise Richards got through and Dwayne Wayne got through and she didn’t even get through to Hollywood? That’s bullshit!
P: Wait, are they having second thoughts?
W: Yeah.
(suspenseful commercials)
P: I hope they put her through this time, otherwise it’s just mean.
W: Otherwise it IS just mean.
P: Okay, I have to watch her facial expressions this time. I guess she raises her eyebrows?
W: Maybe. Yeah. I think you can learn to not do that.
P: I guess I don’t mind her facial expressions. I mean, may I point out, Taylor Hicks? TAYLOR HICKS?!
W: I know! and the claw! And… Simon is massaging his breasts.
P: Well it’s important to examine yourself regularly, Weetabix.
W: Hee.
P: They’re putting her through… barely.

(Jacob Tutor)

W: This guy will not be good.
P: Because of the dancing corollary.
W: Exactly. And also the weird facial hair sub-corollary.
P: What is wrong with this guy?
W: He looks like he’s from Deliverance.
P: I love when they start cussing. It’s so charming. It makes me sad that I won’t have the opportunity to vote for them.

(Jimmy McNeal)
W: I am enjoying his vertical stripes. He is actually much more effervescent than Ruben, I think.
P: I just don’t get Ruben.
W: I never got Ruben. I think it was the sheer shock that he got passed on, because he was fat. He was an important pioneer in the possibility of a fat idol.
P: Maybe someday we’ll get a fat black female idol or a white male fat idol, but never a white female fat idol.
W: No, I hold out hope! maybe in season 30.

And next time, we actually get to hear the GOOD PEOPLE SING! Because these audition rounds suck. And we will probably never liveblog them again. Due to the sucking. Weetapidol out.

Thursday, February 08, 2007

Season Six: More Auditions (LA)

Weet and Pie finally get to last week's audition show, trying out a podcast audio capture rather than transcription, in theory that it will be easier. Of course, they forget that it will result in 11 pages of transcription after the fact, but all in the interest of verisimilitude!

(We begin with the TiVo synchronization!)

WEET: Ryan Seacrest Superstar hit start.
PIE: Tell me when to hit play.
W: Play.
P: Now there’s waving.
W: Randy having an embolism.
P: A little recap of previous horrors and nightmares. Katharine McPhee looking pretty
W: She was a guest star on Ugly Betty.
P I know, I saw a clip of that.
W: Yeah. It was just completely gratuitous, I don’t know why. Tim Gunn was in it too
P: Which is never gratuitous. I think Tim Gunn should be in every show!
W: It was awesome. I think Tim Gunn should be in this.
P: He should show up on The Office.
W: (gasp)
P: I’m kidding. I’m kidding, World. It turns out that Tim Gunn would be slightly gratuitous in that instance. Ok, should we describe what’s going on the screen? People are waving. There’s some blonde girl.
W: This is the thirty thousand people Randy and Paula and everybody will supposedly audition.
P: We’re in Los Angeles?
W: Your home town.
P: Oh, we must be because there’s Hollywood. That was the Hollywood Square. There’s Paula’s breasts.
W: Back to LA, dawg!
P: And there’s Olivia Newton John!
W: Whom I love!
P: Well, ok, I know how you feel about Xanadu and everything, but I saw that Grease show and she’s done really weird things to her face.
W: Very possibly. She had a whole bunch of cancer.
P: Oh, then I feel bad.
W: She’s maybe undergone treatments.
P: I don’t know… collagen lips equals cancer?
W: Perhaps. That might be a new treatment.

(The Panther)

W: Is this guy from Menudo?
P: Here’s Mister Menudo. In a leather vest with musical notes upon it. Ryan Seacrest does not look offended by him.
W: He looks like he’d smell.
P: Is that shirt dirty or what is happening there?
W: Hand-drawn musical notes around the neckline?
P: Distressing. He’s a panther.
W: What?
P: What? So he used to be a kitty cat and now he’s a panther.
W: I think he needs some drugs.
P: I think so too. These people are on the border of being clinically insane.
W: I think they’re posturing for the camera.
P: You think? Well he just said it’s not something he created. He’s the most exciting entertainer on the planet. Well! Prepare to be excited!
W: Whoa! He’s rock and roll though, he threw the clipboard!
P: Mmmm, excite me, Mr. Menudo panther kitty guy. We do not see Taylor in that shot. We see like half of his cheek.
W: Ruben is completely gone.
P: They just want to pretend Ruben doesn’t even exist.
W: Why are they putting sound effects in what he’s doing? Wait, he’s taking off his shirt.
P: This is American Idol. Of course they’re going to do sound effects.
W: I’m worried for them. The glass table is not enough to keep them away from the panther.
P: ONJ looks pretty happy about it in some weird way. Is he going to start singing ever? So far he’s just been stalking around. Everybody’s just confused. I’m confused.
W: It’s some kind of mating call.
P: I believe it is. It’s not working on Paula though. Is that a song?
W: I think in the wild, we would call that presenting.
P: Does he have cat scratches tattooed onto him?
W: He sure seems to.
P: Wow. He has the panther claw sound thing down also.
W: I don’t like his nipples!
P: Ok, why did you make me just look at his nipples? I was cheerfully not looking at his nipples at all until you said that.
W: Kegel.
P: I hate you.
W: Mwahahahaha. Did Randy’s voice just drop like 14 octaves?
P: He had to really fully express his feeling of hatred.
W: I didn’t realize he could go that low.
P: He’s putting his shirt back on. Thank God! Because once you said nipples, I couldn’t stop looking at them.
W: I really… cause men’s nipples? Are not good.
P: I don’t look at men’s nipples.
W: I sometimes do.
P: Apparently!
W: Sometimes I can’t help it.
P: Does that make me a lesbian because I look at women’s nipples?
W: Well, women always have beautiful nipples. Sometimes the men have unfortunate nipples, like Mr. Panther.
P: Right, so it does not make me--
W: Sometimes they look like big pepperoni and it creeps me out.
P: Euuw. Ok, and you’re not a lesbian so I’m fine.
W: Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I’m nipple curious.

(Strangely appealing Silandroid Stallworth)

P: Who’s this guy?
W: He’s like four hundred years old.
P: He’s going to bring romance and love back,
W: He’s got a cat on his shirt.
P: Don’t hate on him. I’d sleep with him.
W: Really?
P: I don’t know, he’s got a very sweet quality about him.
W: He does seem like he’d be earnest, like he’d try really hard.
P: Like he’d try really hard! He reminds me of a friend of mine. I think that’s why I like him.
W: Ohhhhh. He’s got a very nice smile.
P: I can’t figure out why he reminds me of my friend Russ...
W: With the beautiful voice?
P: Russ is not a black man, like Silandroid Stallworth. But he does have a beautiful voice, that’s true.
W: But this does not have a beautiful voice.
P: Yeah that’s not so good
W: That’s pretty much like me singing karaoke when I’m drunk.
P: The veins in Randy’s forehead are popping out.
W: That’s the cholesterol, dawg.
P: Yeah dawg. Oh he did say dawg, yaaaay! Drink!
W: I do like his shirt with the cat on it.
P: Umhh...sorry, I was still drinking from the Dawg game. Oh Olivia Newton John does look cute. She doesn’t look disturbing like on that Grease show.

(Much talk about queing up our respective Tivos.)

P: Ok, there’s the penis building again and Hollywood bldg. Oh, it’s home, it’s my home. So now it’s a montage of the bad singers I guess.
W: It’s so entertaining.
P: See, I cannot wait until it’s top 24.
W: I know, even the group, even the Hollywood part, cause it’s not…. WHAT THE FUCK.
P: Ok, now it’s a woman wearing an inflatable cow, which (singing) peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. He should get through, golden ticket for the guy dressed as a banana.

(Merv and the MILF)

P: Ok, I hate this girl. Merv, what’s her name?
W: You know who she looks like? She reminds me of the girl with the dreamcatcher in her hair
P: Oh, so her mom was famous so she gets to be famous too
W: Well, she’s entitled. She has very nice eyelashes.
P: I hate these people who so clearly think, "I deserve to be a star and this is about me becoming a star right now." She’s got weird faces too. She’s not going to make it through.
W: No. It’s bad. It’s really bad.
P: Yeah. No stage presence either. It’s kind of sad. I don’t hate her anymore, it’s just feel really pity for her
W: I hate her accessories.
P: I know, Madonna Like a Virgin was like, 1986?
W: Oh, that’s back in right now. That’s what, did you see what W says?
P: I don’t read W, clearly to my detriment. And now she’s begging.
W: A lot of those edgy high fashion shots that they teach you how to do on America’s Next Top Model, that’s apparently the magazine that publishes them. It’s bizarre.
P: I’ve flipped through an issue but I’m so not interested in that stuff that I don’t even care. I like Paula’s necklace though. She’s got a key. She’s still snapping. She’s ready to snap.
W: I do like Paula’s necklace.
P: I don’t even like gold so I don’t know what’s happening here. I don’t mind ONJ’s Botoxed face so maybe the lighting on AI is just really good.
W: Well, it would have to be.
P: Oh, she has a muffin top!
W: She’s bringing her mom in! What?!
P: That is sad. Now her mom is like “she is good enough!”
W: Her mom is pretty. She’s had her breasts done though, it’s pretty obvious.
P: Mom? Yeah, that’s totally obvious. On her frame? I’m sure her daughter will have her boob job done in whatever years. Aw, they were pretty nice to her. Paula’s rolling her eyes. And Randy and Simon are into the MILF.
W: From our lips to Randy and Simon’s ears.

(Pandering Montage)

P: It’s the people begging and whining.
W: Her gerbera daisy was wimpy there
P: She’s probably been in line for three days. “America will love me!”
W: OLJ can do crazy things with her eyes.
P: I like watching the good singers. Have we had a single good singer?
W: Not yet, no. They must not have had a lot, because they probably save them up to show the bad people first to make it more dramatic.
P: Is that what they do?
W: And then Ryan will say “Finally we have this person.”
P: And this was like the first person of the day and Simon making that dramatic comment “You were the best person we’ve seen so far.”

(Alanna Alexander)

W: Here we go. Alanna Alexander is gonna be our girl. She’s got the wistful music.
P: Right, the sort of foggy lens. Oh, I have a story to tell you during the commercial break, about foggy lenses. To you and our podcast listeners. Or Weetapidol readers. Whatever this ends up being. I do have a story. She’s crying because she wanted to be an LA actress.
W: What is the deal with the ball rack. What the hell is that?
P: They followed her to the gym?
W: It’s like they’re in an elementary school gym. Could you stand in front of the balls please?
P: And then all the boys will vote for you. She’s kind of cute! She’s got a nice voice.
W: She’s not bad at all.
P: She’s not going to make it to the top whatever, though.
W: She’s no Kelly Clarkson
P: She’s no Kelly. I don’t even think she’s a Fantasia or a Katharine McPhee. There’s something off about her voice. She’s going to be one of those that does a good audition and then gets cut.
W: Yeah. But we have to have emotional connection to her now so we feel bad when she’s cut in Hollywood. We’ve got you figured out, American Idol.
P: So watch, we’re wrong, and she wins! Simon thought she was good. He’s blinded because she’s a pretty girl.
W: She is pretty!
P: She’s kind of pretty in a slightly unconventional way, too. Oh, Randy said Pitchy. Drink! And now she’s crying and now Paula’s going to put her through because she feels bad for her. She’s got gorgeous eyes. Those brown eyes.
W: I think the hair color is bad for her. I don’t know why they always go too light. Your hair color should not be the same color as your skin.
P: That’s true, but her eyes are gorgeous. And now she’s going and they like her. Paula didn’t like her that much. Paula likes the cute boys not the cute girls.

(commercial break.)

W: Tell your story.
P: My story is that on the episode of the Bachelorette when the Bachelorette first started up, the first episode of the first season with Trista, I actually watched it. And when they’re like walking up and introducing themselves to her? I noticed that when she shook Ryan’s hand, the guy that she would eventually marry? They did it in slow motion. And you could barely tell that they were doing it, but as soon as I saw that, I was like “that’s the guy!” and I wish I had put like a hundred bucks on it right then, because I knew at that moment that that was the guy.
W: That is... hmmm....ohhhh. Tricksy editors!
P: Yeah. So that’s my story.

(more commercials)

W: So, we’re going to start at the point of the season finale last year we missed last year, due to Tivo problems.
P: No, we saw this part, cause this part, cause this part… I don’t know what, I’m distracted by the fact that Taylor has a Dunkleman. Did we notice that Taylor had a Dunkelman last season?
W: The Dunkleman?
P: Taylor’s Dunkleman?
W: I don’t know, I’d have to go back and look at the transcript. There were a lot of things going on at the finale.
P: The finale did have a lot of things happening. There were a lot of people in the house. We missed some things…
W: There was a motherfucking walk off.
P: There was a motherfucking walk off but if we neglected to mention that Taylor has a Dunkleman, he has one. Ready, and go! So, he’s introducting Taylor, who looks smug. I just do not like Taylor and I don’t even know why he won.
W: Because he was unusual and America remembered him.
P: Yeah, well, whatever, but DAUGHTRY! has changed his name to DAUGHTRY!, which makes it impossible to defend him.
W: It’s true.


P: So, now there’s this girl with an incredible deep voice…
W: And she farted on camera?
P: And her family does not support her, which is very sad. She’s got an unfortunate hat. Her mother told her that she was ugly. I think those tears are fake.
W: Maybe.
P: Oh no, they’re real tears.
W: She’s got a very unusual voice. And she’s teensy.
P: I don’t think she’s in danger of becoming a Taylor replicate. See, Taylor, old, gray haired white guy. This girl, young, female, Asian. And her name is Phoung. Simon just called her Pong. Heee. He just called her Pong again. Ooh Simon. Oh no. I want her to get a record deal like William Hung.
W: Did William Hung actually make a record though? There’s a William Hung record out there?
P: He did. There is. She’s just as spazzy. I don’t know. I want her to be supported in her choice of career even though she’s terrible at it.
W: That wasn’t going to be his career, though, he was like a Berkeley student.
P: He was. I had a William Hung celebrity sighting on BART. Wearing his Berkeley back pack and everyone was all like “Ooh, that’s American Idol William Hung.” And were excited.
W: I would have been excited.
P: Oh, poor Phuong. Ok, I don’t think she’s fake.
W: No. But at least they’re being nice about it.
P: Simon’s like “It’s wrong for you to bring up Taylor, I hate Taylor. I’m pissed off that he won.” It’s probably in his contract that he doesn’t actually have to look at Taylor, that’s why Taylor’s picture is as far out of Simon’s eyeline as possible. I will come back, only if I can look at Ruben! Oh, poor Phoung. Everyone go to Phuong—whatever her last name was—Dot Com right away!
W: That’s Oh, now there’s sad music.
P: Her sparkly hat of tragedy!

(The Good Looking Guy who sings backup for Xtina and Anastasia)

P: Ok, that guy is kind of good looking.
W: And he’s confident that he’s good. The people that are actually good don’t have crazy eyes.
P: I’ve never actually heard Anastasia, but my nieces love her. He’s short but cute!
W: How can you think he’s short? He’s not standing next to anybody except for fake Carrie Underwood?
P: Well, he’s not tall.
W: He’s got some guns.
P: Yeah he does. And he’s 28, so I don’t feel pervy as usual.
W: I have no shame about Jenry, because Jenry was FINE.
P: Is that the 16 year old?
W: Jenry with a J.
P: I really want him to be cut, so I can stop feeling dirty. They can keep this guy instead, because he’s really good.
W: His hair isn’t doing it for me.
P: I like his hair. He’s really sweet.
W: If I squint when he’s singing, he looks like Warrick on CSI.
P: Paula is doing her “you’re good” clap.
W: Her “I am so Horny For You” clap
P: "Out of everyone we’ve seen today, we’ve only seen two people, but you’re the best!" I wonder what the numbers on their... 74,941, does that mean he was 74,000th in line?
W: It might be total numbers of auditions, you know, like you have a unique number no matter what city you’re in.
P: I would like to know. I would like the readers to write in.
W: I would like to know how many legitimately good people do Paula, etc., see?
P: I want to know!


P: People are lining up to register. Oh, I saw this tragic old man on Extra. This is really sad.
W: They had to petition?
P: Because you have to be 16-28, and he’s over that. Wait, so now it’s this guy who was on it before? And I guess was cut? Bryan Miller.
W: From Placenta California?
P: Placentia.
W: That’s really a place?
P: It is really a place. I have been there. This guy looks really scared of what they’re going to say. Like he’s thinking about what they’re going to say instead of the song.
W: He’s probably thinking that they’re going to make him sing Build Me Up Buttercup
P: Yeah. He’s also incredibly gay. I can’t remember him. I guess he was on one of those preshows that we never used to watch.
W: We started at the top 12.
P: We did. We went right to the good stuff. He’s not going to make it through again.
W: What is the point of having four judges now, I don’t get it?
P: They just want to have a guest judge, for no reason.

(Sherman the tragic old man)

W: His wife died?
P: Yeah.
W: Two days ago?
P: Two days prior to this. She came down with cancer? This is touching ONJ’s heart. Paula’s going to be in tears in a minute. Oh, poor Paula. And ONJ had cancer! Oh, that’s so sad. Awww. Paula’s crying. He was crying on Access Hollywood, or whatever show it was. He’s got a nice voice.
W: He does. Ooohhh.
W & P: (lots of sad noises)
P: Even Simon wants to shake his hand. And Paula wants to hug him. And Olivia’s hugging him. And Randy is standing up with his hand out but we don’t actually get to see him shake. Oh, you’re a winner Sherman!

(Day 1 wrapup and montage. Ryan emotes.)

W: Wait, 21 people who we don’t get to see. 21 presumably good people. And Cameron Diaz. Now why did they waste all of the Panther time when they could have shown us all of the 21 good people. I hate them.
P: Because the show is now about…Was that just a fat joke?
W: I don’t know. The audacity that fat people are kissing, I guess.

(Day 2!)

P: There’s LA again. And ONJ and her dog, who we did not get to meet.
W: What do you think ONJ’s dog’s name is?
P: Sandy!
W: I was thinking Kyra.
P: Xaaaanaduuuuu.
W: Now we are here.

(Sparkles and Darold)

P: Ok, boyfriend and girlfriend trying out for AI
W: I think we’re about to have fat jokes.
P: "We met at the bus stop." That’s very sweet.
W: She’s kind of got it going on.
P: She does. I don’t know about his silver teeth.
W: Does he have a grill? Oh god.
P: She likes that flava. I like her.
W: She’s awesome.
P: I don’t know about him.
W: No, he’s not good enough for her.
P: Ryan Seacrest is nodding and smiling like heterosexuality means anything to him. Well, obviously, she’s not going to win because they’re making jokes again. The name of Sparkles. How much do I love her! They only do the slow pan up the body if they’re fat, though.
W: Bring what must be brought, Sparkles!
P: She’s not a very good singer. That would be the other problem. Sorry Sparkles!
W: We were in your court, Sparkles.
P: Simon is laughing at her because she’s fat!
W: I like her shirt.
P: Ok, this is 75,000.
W: What’s his face, Sherman? Was like 65 something.
P: They’re just being mean to her.
W: Paula’s being a jackass.
P: Like, she can’t possibly be flirting with him. Because she’s fat.
W: That’s different though, because he didn’t have the ire that he normally does.
P: He called her sweetheart. That’s nice. I don’t think Darrel is going to be good though, but he could surprise me.
W: No, he’s doing it for Sparkles.
P: "I’m not jealous. Look at my teeth.” Simon, you haven’t got this bling! Yeah, he can’t sing either. Darold, is his name?
W: Like, Harold plus Darrell?
P: Do you think his parents just misheard the name Darrell one day?
W: Maybe they had a cold. He’s got cute dimples.
P: He won’t even open his eyes!
W: He’s squinty. Maybe it’s very bright in there. Maybe he’s stoned.
P: Ok, that girl sitting by the door with the American Idol shirt on? That’s the girl we need to email us.
W: Yes, the golden ticket hander outer.
P: 69,000. See, he’s before that couple!
W: It’s editing.
P: Ok, are we sure these people are Day 2 because he’s 69,000?
W: Look at what they’re wearing.
P: Oh, right, they are wearing Day 2 clothes.

(Eric Mueller)

W: I’m worried about him.
P: Oh, Ryan Seacrest. He’s like a sea of tranquility in this ocean of madness. I find him much more charming in these episodes because I find him calming.
W: He’s got to be out there in the trenches. And that’s not easy.
P: Oh, they just showed a whole line of people with numbers. We should have looked to see if they were in order.
W: You’re fascinated by the numbers, aren’t you.
P: I am! It’s true!
W: Remember, they had to have seen producers, and their number is probably handed out originally.
P: That’s true. Oh, that is not pretty.
W: Did you notice that there are three people on one side of the AI logo and Ruben and Kelly on the other?
P: Well, they had to do something.
W: Or is it also a fat joke?
P: Well, this is season six.
W: Ok, but they put Ruben on the side with only two.
P: They are also in order. No, wait, 2, 1, 4, 3, 5. But Carrie is the commercially most successful of them all.
W: Really? More successful than Kelly?
P: Kelly is like in a completely different category. I think as much as Kelly has broken through in terms of pop music, Carrie has broken through in terms of country music.
W: That may be. I do not have my finger on the pulse of the wrist of the country nation.
P: Every time I read, I’m stunned by how successful she is. She’s up for a Grammy.
W: Kelly got a Grammy.
P: Kelly got two.
W: Did you see that the Police are reuniting for the Grammies! I am so excited. Oh my god, I was the biggest Police fan.
P: Maybe the Police could come on here and sing.
W: Do you think Simon would let the Police through? He’d be like “Thing, or whatever your name is…”
P: Oh, he was using Randy and Paula’s DVD? What’s happening? This is some kind of crazy…
W: I think Eric is a little confused
P: A little confused that Randy and Paula just ran out of the room to basically hump him.

(Montage wrap up, Ryan Seacrest pretending he's important)

W: Many people we did yet again did not get to see… plus a cute bald guy.
P: I don’t know if that means that a) these are people we’ll still get to see or b) these are people we won’t.
W: We don’t want to waste time when we could see really bad singers instead. I would like to reiterate that I hate the audition shows.
P: The finale isn’t until May. When are we going to get to the top 12? I guess we’ll start in March, right? I guess it’s not that far away.
W: Don’t they have to do like 12 women and then 12 men.
P: Oh, right, all that crap.I think the audition part should be almost over, right? My final thought is bring on the good people. But there’s other people who don’t watch the top singers because all they watch is this stuff. I guess it’s good that they provide both.
W: So that it can be every show for every person?
P: Like AI has a reputation and an integrity to protect.
W: This is the same show that gave everybody else boring bland lighting and gave Daughtry crazy flashcubes of sparkle Chris Lights.
P: And the Chris Lights didn’t work.
W: But they stopped doing the Chris Lights, they only did them in the first couple of shows.
P: You mean that the night he got eliminated, he didn’t get the Chris Lights?
W: No, but other people also got Chris Lights, like further along.
P: I mean, Katharine McPhee was getting some Chris Lights.
W: Taylor was also getting some Chris Lights.
P: I find that hard for me to believe. Probably because I don’t like Taylor.
W: He looks like he poops his pants.
P: I keep forgetting that he’s not actually old.
W: He’s creepy. Although, Four Four was saying that he’s getting turned on by Taylor’s CD cover and it’s making him feel dirty. Probably the way that we about Jenry. Any hotblooded American would look at Jenry and think, Damn.
P: That is some hot action right there.
W: I think 100 percent heterosexual men—
P: —Like Ryan Seacrest!
W:—would look at Jenry and say Yeah, I’d hit that.
P: I would hit that. And on that note...

Weetapidol out.