Thursday, February 08, 2007

Season Six: More Auditions (LA)

Weet and Pie finally get to last week's audition show, trying out a podcast audio capture rather than transcription, in theory that it will be easier. Of course, they forget that it will result in 11 pages of transcription after the fact, but all in the interest of verisimilitude!

(We begin with the TiVo synchronization!)

WEET: Ryan Seacrest Superstar hit start.
PIE: Tell me when to hit play.
W: Play.
P: Now there’s waving.
W: Randy having an embolism.
P: A little recap of previous horrors and nightmares. Katharine McPhee looking pretty
W: She was a guest star on Ugly Betty.
P I know, I saw a clip of that.
W: Yeah. It was just completely gratuitous, I don’t know why. Tim Gunn was in it too
P: Which is never gratuitous. I think Tim Gunn should be in every show!
W: It was awesome. I think Tim Gunn should be in this.
P: He should show up on The Office.
W: (gasp)
P: I’m kidding. I’m kidding, World. It turns out that Tim Gunn would be slightly gratuitous in that instance. Ok, should we describe what’s going on the screen? People are waving. There’s some blonde girl.
W: This is the thirty thousand people Randy and Paula and everybody will supposedly audition.
P: We’re in Los Angeles?
W: Your home town.
P: Oh, we must be because there’s Hollywood. That was the Hollywood Square. There’s Paula’s breasts.
W: Back to LA, dawg!
P: And there’s Olivia Newton John!
W: Whom I love!
P: Well, ok, I know how you feel about Xanadu and everything, but I saw that Grease show and she’s done really weird things to her face.
W: Very possibly. She had a whole bunch of cancer.
P: Oh, then I feel bad.
W: She’s maybe undergone treatments.
P: I don’t know… collagen lips equals cancer?
W: Perhaps. That might be a new treatment.

(The Panther)

W: Is this guy from Menudo?
P: Here’s Mister Menudo. In a leather vest with musical notes upon it. Ryan Seacrest does not look offended by him.
W: He looks like he’d smell.
P: Is that shirt dirty or what is happening there?
W: Hand-drawn musical notes around the neckline?
P: Distressing. He’s a panther.
W: What?
P: What? So he used to be a kitty cat and now he’s a panther.
W: I think he needs some drugs.
P: I think so too. These people are on the border of being clinically insane.
W: I think they’re posturing for the camera.
P: You think? Well he just said it’s not something he created. He’s the most exciting entertainer on the planet. Well! Prepare to be excited!
W: Whoa! He’s rock and roll though, he threw the clipboard!
P: Mmmm, excite me, Mr. Menudo panther kitty guy. We do not see Taylor in that shot. We see like half of his cheek.
W: Ruben is completely gone.
P: They just want to pretend Ruben doesn’t even exist.
W: Why are they putting sound effects in what he’s doing? Wait, he’s taking off his shirt.
P: This is American Idol. Of course they’re going to do sound effects.
W: I’m worried for them. The glass table is not enough to keep them away from the panther.
P: ONJ looks pretty happy about it in some weird way. Is he going to start singing ever? So far he’s just been stalking around. Everybody’s just confused. I’m confused.
W: It’s some kind of mating call.
P: I believe it is. It’s not working on Paula though. Is that a song?
W: I think in the wild, we would call that presenting.
P: Does he have cat scratches tattooed onto him?
W: He sure seems to.
P: Wow. He has the panther claw sound thing down also.
W: I don’t like his nipples!
P: Ok, why did you make me just look at his nipples? I was cheerfully not looking at his nipples at all until you said that.
W: Kegel.
P: I hate you.
W: Mwahahahaha. Did Randy’s voice just drop like 14 octaves?
P: He had to really fully express his feeling of hatred.
W: I didn’t realize he could go that low.
P: He’s putting his shirt back on. Thank God! Because once you said nipples, I couldn’t stop looking at them.
W: I really… cause men’s nipples? Are not good.
P: I don’t look at men’s nipples.
W: I sometimes do.
P: Apparently!
W: Sometimes I can’t help it.
P: Does that make me a lesbian because I look at women’s nipples?
W: Well, women always have beautiful nipples. Sometimes the men have unfortunate nipples, like Mr. Panther.
P: Right, so it does not make me--
W: Sometimes they look like big pepperoni and it creeps me out.
P: Euuw. Ok, and you’re not a lesbian so I’m fine.
W: Maybe. I don’t know. Maybe I’m nipple curious.

(Strangely appealing Silandroid Stallworth)

P: Who’s this guy?
W: He’s like four hundred years old.
P: He’s going to bring romance and love back,
W: He’s got a cat on his shirt.
P: Don’t hate on him. I’d sleep with him.
W: Really?
P: I don’t know, he’s got a very sweet quality about him.
W: He does seem like he’d be earnest, like he’d try really hard.
P: Like he’d try really hard! He reminds me of a friend of mine. I think that’s why I like him.
W: Ohhhhh. He’s got a very nice smile.
P: I can’t figure out why he reminds me of my friend Russ...
W: With the beautiful voice?
P: Russ is not a black man, like Silandroid Stallworth. But he does have a beautiful voice, that’s true.
W: But this does not have a beautiful voice.
P: Yeah that’s not so good
W: That’s pretty much like me singing karaoke when I’m drunk.
P: The veins in Randy’s forehead are popping out.
W: That’s the cholesterol, dawg.
P: Yeah dawg. Oh he did say dawg, yaaaay! Drink!
W: I do like his shirt with the cat on it.
P: Umhh...sorry, I was still drinking from the Dawg game. Oh Olivia Newton John does look cute. She doesn’t look disturbing like on that Grease show.

(Much talk about queing up our respective Tivos.)

P: Ok, there’s the penis building again and Hollywood bldg. Oh, it’s home, it’s my home. So now it’s a montage of the bad singers I guess.
W: It’s so entertaining.
P: See, I cannot wait until it’s top 24.
W: I know, even the group, even the Hollywood part, cause it’s not…. WHAT THE FUCK.
P: Ok, now it’s a woman wearing an inflatable cow, which (singing) peanut butter jelly time, peanut butter jelly peanut butter jelly with a baseball bat. He should get through, golden ticket for the guy dressed as a banana.

(Merv and the MILF)

P: Ok, I hate this girl. Merv, what’s her name?
W: You know who she looks like? She reminds me of the girl with the dreamcatcher in her hair
P: Oh, so her mom was famous so she gets to be famous too
W: Well, she’s entitled. She has very nice eyelashes.
P: I hate these people who so clearly think, "I deserve to be a star and this is about me becoming a star right now." She’s got weird faces too. She’s not going to make it through.
W: No. It’s bad. It’s really bad.
P: Yeah. No stage presence either. It’s kind of sad. I don’t hate her anymore, it’s just feel really pity for her
W: I hate her accessories.
P: I know, Madonna Like a Virgin was like, 1986?
W: Oh, that’s back in right now. That’s what, did you see what W says?
P: I don’t read W, clearly to my detriment. And now she’s begging.
W: A lot of those edgy high fashion shots that they teach you how to do on America’s Next Top Model, that’s apparently the magazine that publishes them. It’s bizarre.
P: I’ve flipped through an issue but I’m so not interested in that stuff that I don’t even care. I like Paula’s necklace though. She’s got a key. She’s still snapping. She’s ready to snap.
W: I do like Paula’s necklace.
P: I don’t even like gold so I don’t know what’s happening here. I don’t mind ONJ’s Botoxed face so maybe the lighting on AI is just really good.
W: Well, it would have to be.
P: Oh, she has a muffin top!
W: She’s bringing her mom in! What?!
P: That is sad. Now her mom is like “she is good enough!”
W: Her mom is pretty. She’s had her breasts done though, it’s pretty obvious.
P: Mom? Yeah, that’s totally obvious. On her frame? I’m sure her daughter will have her boob job done in whatever years. Aw, they were pretty nice to her. Paula’s rolling her eyes. And Randy and Simon are into the MILF.
W: From our lips to Randy and Simon’s ears.

(Pandering Montage)

P: It’s the people begging and whining.
W: Her gerbera daisy was wimpy there
P: She’s probably been in line for three days. “America will love me!”
W: OLJ can do crazy things with her eyes.
P: I like watching the good singers. Have we had a single good singer?
W: Not yet, no. They must not have had a lot, because they probably save them up to show the bad people first to make it more dramatic.
P: Is that what they do?
W: And then Ryan will say “Finally we have this person.”
P: And this was like the first person of the day and Simon making that dramatic comment “You were the best person we’ve seen so far.”

(Alanna Alexander)

W: Here we go. Alanna Alexander is gonna be our girl. She’s got the wistful music.
P: Right, the sort of foggy lens. Oh, I have a story to tell you during the commercial break, about foggy lenses. To you and our podcast listeners. Or Weetapidol readers. Whatever this ends up being. I do have a story. She’s crying because she wanted to be an LA actress.
W: What is the deal with the ball rack. What the hell is that?
P: They followed her to the gym?
W: It’s like they’re in an elementary school gym. Could you stand in front of the balls please?
P: And then all the boys will vote for you. She’s kind of cute! She’s got a nice voice.
W: She’s not bad at all.
P: She’s not going to make it to the top whatever, though.
W: She’s no Kelly Clarkson
P: She’s no Kelly. I don’t even think she’s a Fantasia or a Katharine McPhee. There’s something off about her voice. She’s going to be one of those that does a good audition and then gets cut.
W: Yeah. But we have to have emotional connection to her now so we feel bad when she’s cut in Hollywood. We’ve got you figured out, American Idol.
P: So watch, we’re wrong, and she wins! Simon thought she was good. He’s blinded because she’s a pretty girl.
W: She is pretty!
P: She’s kind of pretty in a slightly unconventional way, too. Oh, Randy said Pitchy. Drink! And now she’s crying and now Paula’s going to put her through because she feels bad for her. She’s got gorgeous eyes. Those brown eyes.
W: I think the hair color is bad for her. I don’t know why they always go too light. Your hair color should not be the same color as your skin.
P: That’s true, but her eyes are gorgeous. And now she’s going and they like her. Paula didn’t like her that much. Paula likes the cute boys not the cute girls.

(commercial break.)

W: Tell your story.
P: My story is that on the episode of the Bachelorette when the Bachelorette first started up, the first episode of the first season with Trista, I actually watched it. And when they’re like walking up and introducing themselves to her? I noticed that when she shook Ryan’s hand, the guy that she would eventually marry? They did it in slow motion. And you could barely tell that they were doing it, but as soon as I saw that, I was like “that’s the guy!” and I wish I had put like a hundred bucks on it right then, because I knew at that moment that that was the guy.
W: That is... hmmm....ohhhh. Tricksy editors!
P: Yeah. So that’s my story.

(more commercials)

W: So, we’re going to start at the point of the season finale last year we missed last year, due to Tivo problems.
P: No, we saw this part, cause this part, cause this part… I don’t know what, I’m distracted by the fact that Taylor has a Dunkleman. Did we notice that Taylor had a Dunkelman last season?
W: The Dunkleman?
P: Taylor’s Dunkleman?
W: I don’t know, I’d have to go back and look at the transcript. There were a lot of things going on at the finale.
P: The finale did have a lot of things happening. There were a lot of people in the house. We missed some things…
W: There was a motherfucking walk off.
P: There was a motherfucking walk off but if we neglected to mention that Taylor has a Dunkleman, he has one. Ready, and go! So, he’s introducting Taylor, who looks smug. I just do not like Taylor and I don’t even know why he won.
W: Because he was unusual and America remembered him.
P: Yeah, well, whatever, but DAUGHTRY! has changed his name to DAUGHTRY!, which makes it impossible to defend him.
W: It’s true.


P: So, now there’s this girl with an incredible deep voice…
W: And she farted on camera?
P: And her family does not support her, which is very sad. She’s got an unfortunate hat. Her mother told her that she was ugly. I think those tears are fake.
W: Maybe.
P: Oh no, they’re real tears.
W: She’s got a very unusual voice. And she’s teensy.
P: I don’t think she’s in danger of becoming a Taylor replicate. See, Taylor, old, gray haired white guy. This girl, young, female, Asian. And her name is Phoung. Simon just called her Pong. Heee. He just called her Pong again. Ooh Simon. Oh no. I want her to get a record deal like William Hung.
W: Did William Hung actually make a record though? There’s a William Hung record out there?
P: He did. There is. She’s just as spazzy. I don’t know. I want her to be supported in her choice of career even though she’s terrible at it.
W: That wasn’t going to be his career, though, he was like a Berkeley student.
P: He was. I had a William Hung celebrity sighting on BART. Wearing his Berkeley back pack and everyone was all like “Ooh, that’s American Idol William Hung.” And were excited.
W: I would have been excited.
P: Oh, poor Phuong. Ok, I don’t think she’s fake.
W: No. But at least they’re being nice about it.
P: Simon’s like “It’s wrong for you to bring up Taylor, I hate Taylor. I’m pissed off that he won.” It’s probably in his contract that he doesn’t actually have to look at Taylor, that’s why Taylor’s picture is as far out of Simon’s eyeline as possible. I will come back, only if I can look at Ruben! Oh, poor Phoung. Everyone go to Phuong—whatever her last name was—Dot Com right away!
W: That’s Oh, now there’s sad music.
P: Her sparkly hat of tragedy!

(The Good Looking Guy who sings backup for Xtina and Anastasia)

P: Ok, that guy is kind of good looking.
W: And he’s confident that he’s good. The people that are actually good don’t have crazy eyes.
P: I’ve never actually heard Anastasia, but my nieces love her. He’s short but cute!
W: How can you think he’s short? He’s not standing next to anybody except for fake Carrie Underwood?
P: Well, he’s not tall.
W: He’s got some guns.
P: Yeah he does. And he’s 28, so I don’t feel pervy as usual.
W: I have no shame about Jenry, because Jenry was FINE.
P: Is that the 16 year old?
W: Jenry with a J.
P: I really want him to be cut, so I can stop feeling dirty. They can keep this guy instead, because he’s really good.
W: His hair isn’t doing it for me.
P: I like his hair. He’s really sweet.
W: If I squint when he’s singing, he looks like Warrick on CSI.
P: Paula is doing her “you’re good” clap.
W: Her “I am so Horny For You” clap
P: "Out of everyone we’ve seen today, we’ve only seen two people, but you’re the best!" I wonder what the numbers on their... 74,941, does that mean he was 74,000th in line?
W: It might be total numbers of auditions, you know, like you have a unique number no matter what city you’re in.
P: I would like to know. I would like the readers to write in.
W: I would like to know how many legitimately good people do Paula, etc., see?
P: I want to know!


P: People are lining up to register. Oh, I saw this tragic old man on Extra. This is really sad.
W: They had to petition?
P: Because you have to be 16-28, and he’s over that. Wait, so now it’s this guy who was on it before? And I guess was cut? Bryan Miller.
W: From Placenta California?
P: Placentia.
W: That’s really a place?
P: It is really a place. I have been there. This guy looks really scared of what they’re going to say. Like he’s thinking about what they’re going to say instead of the song.
W: He’s probably thinking that they’re going to make him sing Build Me Up Buttercup
P: Yeah. He’s also incredibly gay. I can’t remember him. I guess he was on one of those preshows that we never used to watch.
W: We started at the top 12.
P: We did. We went right to the good stuff. He’s not going to make it through again.
W: What is the point of having four judges now, I don’t get it?
P: They just want to have a guest judge, for no reason.

(Sherman the tragic old man)

W: His wife died?
P: Yeah.
W: Two days ago?
P: Two days prior to this. She came down with cancer? This is touching ONJ’s heart. Paula’s going to be in tears in a minute. Oh, poor Paula. And ONJ had cancer! Oh, that’s so sad. Awww. Paula’s crying. He was crying on Access Hollywood, or whatever show it was. He’s got a nice voice.
W: He does. Ooohhh.
W & P: (lots of sad noises)
P: Even Simon wants to shake his hand. And Paula wants to hug him. And Olivia’s hugging him. And Randy is standing up with his hand out but we don’t actually get to see him shake. Oh, you’re a winner Sherman!

(Day 1 wrapup and montage. Ryan emotes.)

W: Wait, 21 people who we don’t get to see. 21 presumably good people. And Cameron Diaz. Now why did they waste all of the Panther time when they could have shown us all of the 21 good people. I hate them.
P: Because the show is now about…Was that just a fat joke?
W: I don’t know. The audacity that fat people are kissing, I guess.

(Day 2!)

P: There’s LA again. And ONJ and her dog, who we did not get to meet.
W: What do you think ONJ’s dog’s name is?
P: Sandy!
W: I was thinking Kyra.
P: Xaaaanaduuuuu.
W: Now we are here.

(Sparkles and Darold)

P: Ok, boyfriend and girlfriend trying out for AI
W: I think we’re about to have fat jokes.
P: "We met at the bus stop." That’s very sweet.
W: She’s kind of got it going on.
P: She does. I don’t know about his silver teeth.
W: Does he have a grill? Oh god.
P: She likes that flava. I like her.
W: She’s awesome.
P: I don’t know about him.
W: No, he’s not good enough for her.
P: Ryan Seacrest is nodding and smiling like heterosexuality means anything to him. Well, obviously, she’s not going to win because they’re making jokes again. The name of Sparkles. How much do I love her! They only do the slow pan up the body if they’re fat, though.
W: Bring what must be brought, Sparkles!
P: She’s not a very good singer. That would be the other problem. Sorry Sparkles!
W: We were in your court, Sparkles.
P: Simon is laughing at her because she’s fat!
W: I like her shirt.
P: Ok, this is 75,000.
W: What’s his face, Sherman? Was like 65 something.
P: They’re just being mean to her.
W: Paula’s being a jackass.
P: Like, she can’t possibly be flirting with him. Because she’s fat.
W: That’s different though, because he didn’t have the ire that he normally does.
P: He called her sweetheart. That’s nice. I don’t think Darrel is going to be good though, but he could surprise me.
W: No, he’s doing it for Sparkles.
P: "I’m not jealous. Look at my teeth.” Simon, you haven’t got this bling! Yeah, he can’t sing either. Darold, is his name?
W: Like, Harold plus Darrell?
P: Do you think his parents just misheard the name Darrell one day?
W: Maybe they had a cold. He’s got cute dimples.
P: He won’t even open his eyes!
W: He’s squinty. Maybe it’s very bright in there. Maybe he’s stoned.
P: Ok, that girl sitting by the door with the American Idol shirt on? That’s the girl we need to email us.
W: Yes, the golden ticket hander outer.
P: 69,000. See, he’s before that couple!
W: It’s editing.
P: Ok, are we sure these people are Day 2 because he’s 69,000?
W: Look at what they’re wearing.
P: Oh, right, they are wearing Day 2 clothes.

(Eric Mueller)

W: I’m worried about him.
P: Oh, Ryan Seacrest. He’s like a sea of tranquility in this ocean of madness. I find him much more charming in these episodes because I find him calming.
W: He’s got to be out there in the trenches. And that’s not easy.
P: Oh, they just showed a whole line of people with numbers. We should have looked to see if they were in order.
W: You’re fascinated by the numbers, aren’t you.
P: I am! It’s true!
W: Remember, they had to have seen producers, and their number is probably handed out originally.
P: That’s true. Oh, that is not pretty.
W: Did you notice that there are three people on one side of the AI logo and Ruben and Kelly on the other?
P: Well, they had to do something.
W: Or is it also a fat joke?
P: Well, this is season six.
W: Ok, but they put Ruben on the side with only two.
P: They are also in order. No, wait, 2, 1, 4, 3, 5. But Carrie is the commercially most successful of them all.
W: Really? More successful than Kelly?
P: Kelly is like in a completely different category. I think as much as Kelly has broken through in terms of pop music, Carrie has broken through in terms of country music.
W: That may be. I do not have my finger on the pulse of the wrist of the country nation.
P: Every time I read, I’m stunned by how successful she is. She’s up for a Grammy.
W: Kelly got a Grammy.
P: Kelly got two.
W: Did you see that the Police are reuniting for the Grammies! I am so excited. Oh my god, I was the biggest Police fan.
P: Maybe the Police could come on here and sing.
W: Do you think Simon would let the Police through? He’d be like “Thing, or whatever your name is…”
P: Oh, he was using Randy and Paula’s DVD? What’s happening? This is some kind of crazy…
W: I think Eric is a little confused
P: A little confused that Randy and Paula just ran out of the room to basically hump him.

(Montage wrap up, Ryan Seacrest pretending he's important)

W: Many people we did yet again did not get to see… plus a cute bald guy.
P: I don’t know if that means that a) these are people we’ll still get to see or b) these are people we won’t.
W: We don’t want to waste time when we could see really bad singers instead. I would like to reiterate that I hate the audition shows.
P: The finale isn’t until May. When are we going to get to the top 12? I guess we’ll start in March, right? I guess it’s not that far away.
W: Don’t they have to do like 12 women and then 12 men.
P: Oh, right, all that crap.I think the audition part should be almost over, right? My final thought is bring on the good people. But there’s other people who don’t watch the top singers because all they watch is this stuff. I guess it’s good that they provide both.
W: So that it can be every show for every person?
P: Like AI has a reputation and an integrity to protect.
W: This is the same show that gave everybody else boring bland lighting and gave Daughtry crazy flashcubes of sparkle Chris Lights.
P: And the Chris Lights didn’t work.
W: But they stopped doing the Chris Lights, they only did them in the first couple of shows.
P: You mean that the night he got eliminated, he didn’t get the Chris Lights?
W: No, but other people also got Chris Lights, like further along.
P: I mean, Katharine McPhee was getting some Chris Lights.
W: Taylor was also getting some Chris Lights.
P: I find that hard for me to believe. Probably because I don’t like Taylor.
W: He looks like he poops his pants.
P: I keep forgetting that he’s not actually old.
W: He’s creepy. Although, Four Four was saying that he’s getting turned on by Taylor’s CD cover and it’s making him feel dirty. Probably the way that we about Jenry. Any hotblooded American would look at Jenry and think, Damn.
P: That is some hot action right there.
W: I think 100 percent heterosexual men—
P: —Like Ryan Seacrest!
W:—would look at Jenry and say Yeah, I’d hit that.
P: I would hit that. And on that note...

Weetapidol out.


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