Sunday, February 18, 2007

I Swear On The Ghost Of Dunkelman

W: Do you have wine?
P: I was actually already drinking when you called, although I forgot today was Sunday and that we were going to play Weetapidol. But I am drinking.
W: I am drinking Sierra Mist. The January 2007 vintage. And now eating mystery chocolate.
P: Chocolate is always in order. And I was going to say, I was drinking vodka because I was reading Finnegans Wake and I decided you can’t do that without liquor.
W: Oh, I was just reading about that book. The idea is that James Joyce was actually replicating the language learning of artificial life forms?
P: I think he was probably just hammered the whole time he was writing it..
W: You’re probably right.
P: For seventeen years.

3…2…1….

P: Go Daughtry! I was listening to his single today and decided I really do like it.
W: I do too, although I don’t like DAUGHTRY! and the pointing and the glasses. I still feel the glasses were his demise. And America agreed with me.
P: Ah yes, the glasses.
W: If I had wine, I would toast to the fact that we aren’t going to see sucky singers.
P: I would toast right along with you.
W: Although you know what? I’m being too optimistic, because Pickler and Bucky were in the top 12.
P: Good point. And… I don’t actually remember who any of these people are.
W: I remember Gabrielle Union looking girl. I remember the stripper girl. I remember the dreamcatcher girl. And that’s about it.
P: I remember the hot sixteen year old and the guy who looks like Jack Osborne.
W: I remember the sixteen year old. Jenry.

(Jorie)
P: Oh god I hate this girl! This Jorie girl.
W: Oh yes, this is the Jorie girl who you… hate? Wait, I thought you liked Jorie?
P: No, there’s something about her I hate.
W: That’s right, I think you said she thought she deserved it too much.
(Pie’s Parakeets chirp in the background)
W: The birds like her. But I’m not feeling it.
P: And Jorie says she’s satisfied. Of course Jorie’s satisfied. She’s smug.

(montage)
W: Why did we get to see Jorie for all that time, and now a montage of these other girls?
P: It’s either because Jorie’s going or she’s the only one staying.
(Simon sends them all home)
P: Wow, he’s in a bad mood. And some of them sounded good. I really wonder how many girls there are, though.
W: I don’t know. That whole auditorium is really packed.

(commercials.)

P: Yay Los Angeles! Palm trees, pretty.
W: Isn’t that Shakira girl? One of those is Shakira girl.
P: I have no idea.
W: Yeah, this is her. How did they get the cameras in the boarding area. You have to be ticketed. Did the camera guys have to buy a ticket?
P: It’s the magic of American Idol.
(Shakira girl sings “Hips Don’t Lie” in flashback and in Hollywood)
P: Is she singing the same song? She only knows one song?

(montage)
W: Rachel Jenkins, I say no.
P: She’s wearing her husband on a little pouch. I say no also.
W: We didn’t even see any of these people.
P: Shakira girl made it through.
W: We didn’t even see that other girl.
P: This is why I usually start watching at the top 12.
W: Well, you’re smart.
P: We’ll see if Shakira can sing another song.
W: Well I’m sure the actual Shakira has an extensive discography.
P: Oh her name is Perla. That’s… no.

(Baylie Brown)
P: Is this that Tara Reid chick?
W: Yeah.
P: I think she’s gonna make it.
W: Yeah I do too.
P: She’s got a Katharine McPhee thing happening.
W: Oh this is the one I said sounded like the Dixie Chick. I think she’s got a unique voice, other than the fact that she sounds exactly like a Dixie Chick.
P: On the other hand, they already have a Carrie Underwood.
W: That’s true.
P: “I’ve made my parents proud. So I’ve already won.” Oh honey. No you didn’t.

P: I don’t understand how after all this cutting they still end up with people like Jasmine. Or John Stevens. Or Camille.
W: I have no answer. Except maybe they have to seed the crowd a little bit. If you have a bunch of really good people, you need some polarizing people too.
P: I guess that’s true. Maybe it’s the love it or hate it thing. If you find people with a unique quality, you’ll love them or hate them. What did this girl just refuse to sing?
W: A song… they didn’t say what song it was. Unless I missed it.
P: “How can I put my heart in a song I’m not feelin’” Sack it up, you have to be a professional.
W: Yeah, imagine what you’d have to sing in your professional career.
P: Like “Do I Make You Proud.”
W: Exactly.
P: And here’s the handicapped mother, this is just pandering. And this girl is a spoiled brat.
W: So all they did was girls so far?
P: Yeah, I think Wednesday is guys,.
W: 56 out of 114 girls. So they cut more than half of the original girls. Of the Hollywood girls.
P: Oh, I guess we’re getting the guys next. Nevermind.

(commercials)
(Pie fixes herself another vodka cocktail)

P: There are far fewer guys.
W: Although maybe it means they’re trying to get a girl American idol.
P: I think they still want a white guy.
W: They just had a white guy.
P: I meant a marketable white guy.

(Some Guy)
W: This guy’s got dreamy eyes.
P: He’s a Clay Aikenish character.
W: Except he’s wearing white socks with black pants. HATE.

(Jarrod Fowler)
P: He’s not gonna get through.
W: No. The vocal quality just isn’t there. And he’s got a very disturbing mole or something between his eyes.

(Matt Sato )
P: He looks like a very boyish girl. He looks like Hilary Swank.
W: He does. Or Kim from America’s Next Top Model. He’s very pretty. For a boy.
P: He’d make a great drag queen I’m sure.
W: I feel like he doesn’t really have the bone structure. Maybe he’d make a really realistic drag queen. And I was thinking he was gay, but look at those white sneakers.
P: It just goes to show you, I guess. You never can judge.

W: Jack Osborne made it through!
P: I didn’t think Matt was that good, but good for him.
W: Watching them cry is not as entertaining as watching them sing.
34 to the next round.
W: Out of how many?
P: They didn’t say.

(commercials)
(92 contestants left.)

P: Oh, the group round. That’s tomorrow? What are we going to do today?
W: They have to practice and do all of their stuff tonight.
P: Oh I get it.
W: Oh my god, they just have to pick people?
P: That’s cruel.
W: That IS cruel.
P: So do they get to pick a song? I would like to know more what’s going on.
W: I would like more rules.
P: They have to put together a dance routine also.
W: That is crazy.
P: Oh god, not Amanda and Antonella. There’s too much personal politics here. I just want to hear singing.
W: American Idol tries to be every reality show ever. They’re going to have challenges soon…
P: …an immunity idol…Tim Gunn…
W: “Idols, you’ll need to caucus…”
P: “What happened to Andrae?”
W: Hee.

P: It must suck to have someone in your group who doesn’t get it.
W: It can bring your whole group down.
P: Why is that girl singing into a wine glass?
W: I guess using it as a prop.
P: I think it’s a shoutout to Weetapidol.
W: You know, it is. Give them all wine glasses. So they will know.

(commercials)
(groups)

P: It’ll be interesting to see how many groups get through with the whole group. How good the judges are at evaluating individual performances.
W: What are they looking for? People who don’t gel?
P: Wow, if you forget the words you’re out.
W: Yeah.
P: Oh no… Matt and his group are terrible.
W: There are a lot of co-ed groups.
P: I’m curious to see how Shakira’s drama group goes.
W: I’m curious to see how this chick thought the lamé top was a good idea.
P: They must all have pretty much the same song.
W: Sounds like it.
P: The judges don’t seem to like any of them.
W: Shakira doing the Supremes. Or no, the Rhonettes.
P: Marisa Rhodes is the only good one in the group.
W: She knows it, too.
P: Wow, he passed all three of them. I didn’t think the other two were very good either. Just Marisa.

W: I like this Chris Sligh guy.
P: Me too.
W: I don’t like Blake Lewis at all.
P: No.
W: Because he just started beatboxing.
P: They probably prearranged that. And yet it’s still so douchey.
W: They were very good though.
P: And they all get through!

(Sundance and his group)
P: Are these words?
W: No, I think it’s that hummina hummina thing.
P: This guy’s name is Sundance?
W: It sounds like the name of a horse.
P: Good call. It’s totally the name of a horse. And basically Randy and Simon hate him, so he’s not going to make it all the way.
W: Jason is actually his name, but he wants to be called Sundance?

(Baylie and the best friends)
P: There is so much going on with these other two girls that Baylie has no part of.
W: Oh no, Baylie!
P: She forgot the words! I guess I can understand being nervous, but… learn the fucking words.
W: Yeah, it’s all you’ve been doing all night. I think I would have to put the words on my hand.
P: Aww.
W: I thought Baylie was the best of the three of them.
P: It’s true but, I mean, own your shit. Learn the words. She got too distracted by the drama happening with those other two. Okay, I hate this other chick. Amanda.

(commercials)

W: By the end of the day, there will be 40.
P: So they must have to get down to 24. 12 and 12.
W: The editing is so bad here. Are you watching the number of photos come and go?
P: Look at Ryan Seacrest in his little vest.
W: He is very slim.
P: Are two of the rooms yes or one no, or…
W: It depends on how many people are in each room.

(Room One)
W: Oh no, Jack Osborne is in this room. And Douche Boy. Oh no, I think Jack Osborne is gonna go! And there’s Marissa or whatever her name is.
P: Oh they made it through.
W: Yay!

(Room Two)
P: This is gonna be the “out” room.
W: Yeah. There’s a lot of people in room two.
(They are through)
W: They faked us out.

(Room Three is out)
P: So who got eliminated?
W: Sanjaya’s sister for sure.
P: And good, that bitch Amanda.

(NEXT EPISODE)

W: And we open with Ryan coming out of a closet.
P: Ah, Ryan. Why am I so affectionate towards him this season?
W: Now we see what he has to go through. It’s hard being an American Idol host. And apparently it’s a road he must go alone.

P: Okay, what are they going to do today?
W: Final 40.
P: Do they actually have to sing now?
W: That guy was just doing Ace hands. Or was that actually Ace? It looked like actually Ace.
P: I think it was Ace.
W: Are they showing us who’s not making it through? Are they telling us what’s about to happen? I hate this show.
P: I like when it gets to the top 24, so this is actually great.
W: But right now this is 40. So we only have to cut… what, 16 people?
P: I guess so. I’m on my third cocktail so I’m a little too drunk to do math.
W: I’m on codeine so I don’t really care. Math is just a concept.
P: I haven’t found any body to psychotically root for yet.
W: I like Jack Osborne. I like Sanjaya.
P: Jenry seems to be gone.
W: Oh, you’re right. Or he has been hidden from us.
P: Once it gets to top 24, I can start looking for my pool choices.
W: We choose people for the pool in the top 12, right?
P: Yeah, I mean I can start advance scouting.
W: Aah.

W: I like Sanjaya.
P: I think he’s mediocre.
W: Really? I think it’s his smile.
P: I feel totally apathetic about him. I guess I need sex appeal in my Idol, and he’s sexless.
W: Well he’s Chicken Little. He’s… this is horrible, but.. he’s Chicken Tandoori Little.
P: Ha! And wow, this girl’s tall.
W: This is the crazy tall lady. She’s 6’6”.
P: So we don’t get to hear them sing? We just get to hear yes or no.
W: What’s the point of this? Why didn’t they just get down 24 in the first place?
P: Ratings. They’re gonna pad this shit as much as possible.
W: Clearly.
P: This is weird. “I know I’m not that great of a singer, but who cares?” And now they’re cutting some guy I’ve never seen before that I don’t give a shit about.
W: Seriously, what is the point of this? If they don’t get another change to sing and prove themselves.
P: And now they’ve got this tragic music… I don’t even know who these people are. It’s a bunch of randos being eliminated right now. And the vast majority of these people are going through.
W: Well, 24 of them, yeah.
P: There’s that math again.
W: Carry the one, Pie.

(Melinda Doolittle)
W: Did we actually see this girl sing?
P: No! That’s what I’m saying. Who the hell are these people?

(Brandon Rogers )
P: Oh I remember this guy.
W: This is the one who reminds me of Warrick from CSI. He has got that kind of smile;
P: He’s cute. I could root for him. And he made it?
W: Yeah. Warrick made it.
P: Good. I’m officially rooting for him and Chris Sligh.
W: Who’s Chris Sligh again?
P: Jack Osborne.
W: Okay. Yes.

(commercials)

P: Here’s Ryan Seacrest. I love the caption: “Ryan Seacrest” as though we don’t know who he is by now.
W: I love how he plants the seed of hatred in all the contestants who are waiting.
P: What did he say?
W: He said “everyone who says they made it, that’s one less spot for the people here.”
P: Harsh.

(Gina Glockson)
P: And here’s this girl singing rather poorly.
W: She didn’t make it in a previous season.
P: Oh, she made it through this time I guess. I agree with you: what’s the point?
W: Yeah.
P: I don’t want to watch these people cry for an hour and a half.
W: I do like her shoes. Did she just jump on Ryan? Oh no, that’s not Ryan.
P: A girl jumping on Ryan would be a lost cause. And here’s other randos getting eliminated.
W: But notice how Ryan buffered it by telling us they won’t going to make it.
P: True.
W: This guy is dressed like a Bible salesman.

(Hayley Scanardo)
W: She’s the girl who has the hot mom, isn’t it?
P: No, the girl who had the hot mom didn’t make it.
W: Oh right.
P: Paula’s doing her “it’s so pretty” hands.

(Philip Stacy)
W: He’s skeevy.
P: Totally skeevy. He should form a band with K.Fed.
W: That’s the guy who skipped out on his wife in labor. We don’t like him.
P: No we do not.
W: Who’s that rando back there? Who’s Ellie May Clampett?

(commercials)
P: Are we going to get to hear any of these people sing?
W: Maybe during the immunity challenge.
P: Hee.
W: But next week is our week. We will have people singing. Who we can rip apart.
P: The Simpsons movie?
W: “Now we’re interrupting this non-singing to watch more non-singing”
P: “Now here’s an ad for one of our other shows.” That was really stupid.
W: Yeah.
P: Oh good, now they’re at the studio. This is pathetic.

(Chris Sligh)
W: Jack Osborne!
P: You’d think the judges would get sick of hearing “If you ever really love a woman”
W: I got sick of hearing it the first time I ever heard it.
P: Hee. And Chris had better make it through….
W: Yay!
P: Phew!

(Blake Lewis)
W: Here’s Blake Lewis, the tool.
P: Let’s refer to him as The Beatboxing Tool.
W: Hopefully we won’t have to refer to him at all very much longer.
P: It’s his frosted hair, I think, that’s troubling.
W: It’s the whole package.
(He’s through)
W: Boo. He’s like Jon Peter Lewis. I hated Jon Peter Lewis.

(Rudy Cardenas)
W: He might be the Eliot Yamin of this competition.
P: You’re right. Ryan’s announcing it to the other contestants, all like “And he takes a spot!... FROM YOU.”

(commercials)

P: This episode is just filler.
W: That dark-haired girl who was really good? She reminds me of that chick from the Notebook.
P: Rachel McAdams?
W: Yes.
P: I have no idea who you mean, but I will record it for posterity.

(Paul Kim)
P: Here’s some Asian guy I’ve never seen before. Playing air piano.
W: He does weird twinkling things with his hands. You’re right, I never would have recognized that, but that is air piano.

(Jordan Sparks)
W: Oh I remember her. She was great.
P: I don’t remember her.
W: She was really really good in the audition. She was fantastic. She’s like the daughter of somebody famous.
P: She’s pretty.
W: Yay! I’m pretty sure that dress is from Torrid.
P: It’s very cute.

P: Here is a montage of tragic randos.
W: A Monique!
P: Aww, I want there to be a Monique I can vote for.

(a bunch of people make it)
(commercials)

P: It’s 5:30 p.m. and I can’t bring myself to care about any of this.
W: I likewise don’t like Alaina Alexander.
P: Oh yeah, she has pretty eyes.
W: That’s what we said about her initially. Randy’s got very pointy boots on.
P: And that is a totally skanky shirt.
W: Yeah.
P: It’s a skanky shade of red. And her singing… no.
W: No, that’s flat. That is bad. Oh my god.
P: If she makes it through, then.. bleh.
W: Then it’s just because of her cleavage.
P: And her skanky red outfit.
W: She made it through.
P: Now is it down to people voting?
W: Yeah, I think so.
P: Then you never know what can happen. Jasmine placed third.
W: That’s true. Randy thought Jasmine was gonna win, actually.
P: She did have one good performance in there somewhere.
W: It was before the show had started.

(Sabrina Sloan)
P: Well she’s way better than skanky red chick.
W: Yeah, she’s got far more control over her voice. But her hair needs hot oil treatment. Stat.

(yet another montage of rando losers)
P: That girl is named Princess? And she has horrible eye shadow.
W: Maybe she was a drag queen.
P: A lot of these girls have tops with empire waist bands. That must be a new trend.

(Lakisha Jones)
W: Lakisha, darlin’ I don’t like your hair.
P: Go Lakisha!
W: I like Lakisha.
P: I think if Simon talks, they’re in. Paula seems to be the one breaking the bad news to people.
W: You may have figured out the American Idol code.
P: If my code is right, Lakisha is in.
(Lakisha is through to the next round)
P: And my code is right!
W: She managed to cry very prettily. I can’t do that.
P: I’ve never cried into a mirror.
W: You’ve never looked into a mirror and gone “oh my god, who’s that gargoyle?”
P: Never!
W: Go Lakisha!
P: We need a hot fat chick in this.
W: She needs some counseling on the hair, but I enjoy her.

(commercials)

(Nicole Tranquilo)
P: She’s cute. She’s kind of got a Jennifer Connelly thing happening.
W: She does kind of. And again with the Empire waist top.
P: I think I have successfully identified this new fashion trend.

(Jared Connor)
W: He just tweaked his nipples.

(Amy Krepps)
P: This girl is pathetic in some vague sense.
W: You think?
P: “It felt like hoooome.” She’s much more confident on stage…
W: Mmm hmm…
P: …than she is sitting in that chair.

P: Two girls and two guys left. And two chairs.
W: Oh, this is gonna be cruel.
P: I’m way rooting for Marisa over Antonella.
W: Me too. And sadly, I’m rooting for Sundance. Even though he looks like my stalker.
(The girls)
W: “Hi, we’re gonna pretend to be supportive of each other.”
P: Marisa’s got a much better voice.
W: She does. Much better quality. And looks like Rachel McAdams.
P: Oh THAT’s who you were talking about.
W: Yes. Now if Antonella doesn’t make it, I question why they put her through to the top 40? Just so they could have the drama?
(Antonella is through)
W: WRONG. Boo.
P: Yeah that’s totally incorrect.
W: Sketchy hootchie red sweater as a dress gets through and Rachel McAdams doesn’t get through? That’s wrong.
P: At leat Antonella put one over on her bitchy best friend.
(Marisa collapses in the elevator)
W: Poor girl. That’s just sad.
P: If you’re the person who made it through, I don’t know what you do in this situation. You can’t really comfort the losing person without coming off like a bitch.

(the guys)
W: Did they just split them by demographic? Like “here are the two traditionally nonhandsome guys.”
P: Chris Sligh is way more traditionally nonhandsome than them.
(Sundance is in)
W: I just don’t understand their… I just don’t understand it. I really just wonder if they don’t stack the lineup with people who are easy to vote for. Or vote against. I just don’t understand.
P: I guess now, America will decide.
W: “What have you done, America?”
P: The official inaugural “What have you done America” of the new season.
W: Oh my god, that guy just flipped off America.

(Recap of top 24.)
P: I don’t like any of the girls.
W: I like Lakisha and Jordan.
P: Okay those are the only two I like. And I like Brandon…
W: …Sundance…
P: I like Chris.
W: Yes, Chris Sligh is awesome. And I like Sanjaya for no reason.
P: Looking at this group, I am not optimistic for this season. There’s no Chris Daughtry.
W: No. Well, there it is. We’ve gotten through it. Thank fucking god. Next year we start at top 24.
P: Yeah.
W: Promise me.
P: I promise. I promise.
W: Good.

Weetapidol out.

2 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Jack Osbourne is my idol already. Do you think he could go the distance?



S

9:59 AM  
Blogger B Matthews said...

Chicken Tandoori Little... HAHAHAHA LMAO, thanks for the laugh guys!! I said to my girl this evening as we were watching the first painful round of top 12 guys... "That guy's like... he's like Indian Chicken Little!" I like Chicken Tandoori Little SO much better, though...

Great minds think alike...

I'm rooting for Chris Sligh for several reasons, not the least of which is that he is from my hometown! Woo hoo!

Becky

7:48 PM  

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