Forget the Alamo

P: Speaking of soothing in a hateful way, here’s Ryan Seacrest!
W: Do you think he wore the plaid to appease the Texans? Because it’s vaguely Texan?
P: In pink? No.

W: So these people are sleeping outside.
P: I guess so.
W: That’s sad.
P: I wonder if that makes a difference in what order they get in?
W: No, because you have to see the producers. Although maybe if you line up faster you’ll get to the end faster. So, maybe. And I do like the Rawhide song in the background.

P: And now there’s many people yelling. That’s really a lot of people.
W: That guy looks like Chris.
P: No he doesn’t.
W: No, he’s much better looking,
P: What? No way!
W: Oh wait, don’t forget, his name is DAUGHTRY now.
P: You’re right. I can’t defend myself.

W: What is Paula wearing?
P: A print. HAHAHA! Sorry, that’s not even funny, I don’t know why I’m laughing.
W: Ha ha ha. Oh, mo pie!

(Bryan Kyrish)

W: When you dance for the camera, it means you can’t sing. If they show you dancing, you can’t sing.
P: So maybe there’s an inversely proportional relationship there. Also those camouflage pants are no good.
W: Never.

P: I think he’ll be good. I think you’re wrong about the dancing corollary.
(he starts singing)
P: No, you’re absolutely right about the dancing corollary.

W: I am going to write an article for a scholarly journal.
P: Hee.
W: We respect the higher learning here at Weetapidol.

W: This wine is so classy that it has a screw cap.
P: But screw caps are the new black! Because cork changes the flavor of the wine.
W: There is no changing the flavor of this Reisling. I think it was four dollars.
P: Well that’s what happens when you take wine risks. Occasionally they do not pan out.
W: And sometimes they do. Hence the gold wine.

(Wedding singer Haley Scarnato)

W: She’s pretty, she’s gonna go on. That’s all you need to know. Wait, she’s dancing.
P: Maybe they force them to dance.
W: Maybe they do! Maybe this is psychological analysis of the editing. And she looks like a backup dinner of Abba in that pantsuit.
P: I love that pantsuit!
W: You would rock that pantshit.
P: Well she’s got a great back. And that’s weird, I’ve never noticed anyone having a good back before.

W: She’s very good, and she danced. Well there went my dancing corollary.
P: There’s some work to be done on the dancing corollary, but she was embarrassed and she didn’t breakdance. Don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater.
W: Okay, we just need to refine it. They haven’t stopped her. They love her.
She really is kind of Kelly Clarkson-esque.

W: Kelly wouldn’t have worn something that bootylicious though.

P: Wow, Randy does not love her.
W: That’s interesting. They’re calling her generic.
P: She’s not gonna end up in the top 12.
W: No, we won’t remember her. Because she’s generic. Ooh, she looks like Charlie Sheen’s ex.
P: I don’t see—oh this blonde chick.

(commercials)

(Jasmine Holland)

P: So people are playing accordions and guitars and something crazy is going on there. Camel toe! Hello!
W: There is a lot going on there.
P: Um, yeah.
W: So once they get into the “holding room” they have to wait until their family gets there, I’m guessing.
P: Oh, good call.

P: Yeah, those are the wrong pants.
W: No, they are not a good pant.
P: And that’s not a good voice.
W: But she’s not so bad that I understand why the producers put her in there for good TV factor. Unless it’s just the toe.
P: They put her in for toe factor. And she’s not that bad. She’s mediocre.
W: She’s actually much better than braid girl.
P: “You all are being rude”? “You all have a camel toe and you can’t sing!” We don’t feel sorry for her, she was just mean to Randy!
W: I know, there should not be sad music right now.
P: “He should go back to British.” That’s making a great impression. That’s America’s sweetheart, right there.
W: I would like to go back to British.
P: Who wouldn’t? Oh god.

P: So far we’ve had nipples and camel toe.
W: It sounds like a rock band.
P: It sounds like OUR rock band.
W: I wanna be Nipples. Come on, nobody is going to want to be Toe.
P: We can both be Nipples!
W: Yeah, Nipples! It’s plural. And we’re both perky.
P: Ha!
W: I can see the album cover right now.

(Baylie Brown)

P: Oh here’s Denise Richards. She looks like Tara Reid too, which is unsettling.
W: She does. She's got kitties and sheep.
P: Like… in her pants?
W: What the hell, Nipples?!
P: I don’t see…
W: On her farm.
P: Oh, I don't think we're watching the same thing.
W: She’s got a nice closet.
P: A nice… closet?
W: Yeah. And by “closet” I mean…um… “not a toe.”
P: She's very pretty.
W: Her eyebrows are a mess, though. I’m surprised, usually the blondes have these little microscopic eyebrows.
P: See, I wouldn't notice that.
W: She sounds like the blonde Dixie chick who’s married to Adrian Pasdar.
P: That means nothing to me.
W: Natalie Maines.
P: That still means nothing.
W: Oh.
P: This girl, they like her only because she’s pretty.
W: Actually, she has a pretty good voice! And she’s pretty.
P: She’s not my type.
W: Really? You wouldn’t hit that?
P: Naah. The Tara Reid/Denise Richardson thing is throwing me off.
W: Yeah she’d be the type that just lays there and looks pretty.

(commercials)

P: They’re in Texas. When did they get to Texas?
W: Sometime between last week and this week.

(montage of door confusion)

W: Because they always lock that one.
P: Just for the sake of this very montage.
W: Perhaps.
P: Otherwise they’d have a sign on the door that says “THIS ONE.”
W: They've been saying “other door” for seasons now. And in this montage, they’re in different cities.
P: I wonder why it’s locked all the time. It’s another mystery I want to solve, like the numbers.

(Guys who are roommates/lovers/twins/something/I missed it)

W: I hope they’re good.
P: I like their beautiful friendship.
W: I do too. I like their platonic heterosexual enjoyment of each other.
P: William Green is… not good.
W: He is so not good, William Green. I had hopes.
P: Why do they keep singing when Randy and Paula start cracking up?
W: I don’t know.
P: I mean at that point, don’t they realize they’re doomed?
W: He has a very nice tone to his voice, he's just tone deaf. It’s a very nice timbre.
P: Oh, that’s how that’s pronounced?
W: Isn’t it French?
P: I have no idea. Oh, they’re cousins!
W: This is so sad.
P: Maybe the other guy is good.
W: Maybe.
P: This guy looks like Dwayne Wayne.
W: He does! And he does have a great voice. And he’s not tone deaf. That’s the difference.
P: They don’t like Dwayne Wayne’s personality. He needs to look more like Tara Reid.
W: You know what he needs to do? He needs to do Jesus hands like Ace!
P: Yay, he made it!
W: Yay, hooray.
P: Aw, and his cousin is happy for him. Aww! [in a squeaky voice] This is so heartwarming! [normal voice] Wow, my voice just went up seventeen octaves.
W: I know! That was like dolphin range.

(commercials)

W: Ryan’s standing in front of the Alamo.
P: Ryan’s doing Jesus hands.
W: I have him doing Jesus hands…
P: So here’s another montage. Another horrible, wretched montage. With some horrible, unfortunate people.

(Sandie Chavez)
W: I like how the light is shining just on her.
P: I think this is a fakeout. I think she sucks.
W: I think so too, because she said “I had sang.” And her purple eyeshadow speaks of no talent. In more ways than one.
[She begins to sing "Black Velvet." Allegedly.]
P: Like… what part of this song is she singing?
W: Good call. Fakeout.
P: Yep.
W: Maybe these are the “Excuse me while I kiss this guy” lyrics.
P: She thinks the lyrics are “hummina huh bluh bluuh?”
W: Did she say, “smell little boy”?
P: Oh, and she’s crying now.
W: Aw, that’s sad. I can’t understand what she’s saying when she’s crying either.
P: That was truly horrible. That poor girl.
[Paula tells her some crap about how she should focus on being a teacher.]
W: Oh Paula, that was so nicely spun.
P: See, now I feel bad for this girl! This is why I don’t like these rounds!

(Ashley something)

P: I bet this girl can sing.
W: She’s beautiful. She’s got the prettiest eyes.
P: Yeah, she is… really pretty. Maybe I‘m being seduced by her prettiness like Simon.
W: No, she’s awesome. She only had to sing four notes and I know.
P: She’s got great teeth. And earrings.
W: She’s fantastic. I’d like to see a different lip gloss on her.
P: Oh my god, they’re not gonna let her through?
W: What?!
P: Did she do something weird with her face? I didn’t even see it.
W: I was entranced by her beauty. Bullshit!
P: That was just weird.
W: And Denise Richards got through and Dwayne Wayne got through and she didn’t even get through to Hollywood? That’s bullshit!
P: Wait, are they having second thoughts?
W: Yeah.
(suspenseful commercials)
P: I hope they put her through this time, otherwise it’s just mean.
W: Otherwise it IS just mean.
P: Okay, I have to watch her facial expressions this time. I guess she raises her eyebrows?
W: Maybe. Yeah. I think you can learn to not do that.
P: I guess I don’t mind her facial expressions. I mean, may I point out, Taylor Hicks? TAYLOR HICKS?!
W: I know! and the claw! And… Simon is massaging his breasts.
P: Well it’s important to examine yourself regularly, Weetabix.
W: Hee.
P: They’re putting her through… barely.

(Jacob Tutor)

W: This guy will not be good.
P: Because of the dancing corollary.
W: Exactly. And also the weird facial hair sub-corollary.
P: What is wrong with this guy?
W: He looks like he’s from Deliverance.
P: I love when they start cussing. It’s so charming. It makes me sad that I won’t have the opportunity to vote for them.

(Jimmy McNeal)
W: I am enjoying his vertical stripes. He is actually much more effervescent than Ruben, I think.
P: I just don’t get Ruben.
W: I never got Ruben. I think it was the sheer shock that he got passed on, because he was fat. He was an important pioneer in the possibility of a fat idol.
P: Maybe someday we’ll get a fat black female idol or a white male fat idol, but never a white female fat idol.
W: No, I hold out hope! maybe in season 30.

And next time, we actually get to hear the GOOD PEOPLE SING! Because these audition rounds suck. And we will probably never liveblog them again. Due to the sucking. Weetapidol out.