As we announced last week, Pie is pregnant and super busy, so Weet will be asking friends to sub in occasionally when Pie is unable to 'Pidol. This week, we're bringing back traditional Weetapidol sub Jake.
Weet : J.Lo looks beautiful
Jake : I like her cavewoman dress. Oh, whoa, what did Randy do? I think Steven Tyler is wearing J. Lo’s dress from the Academy Awards last year. Are all of those people the former winners in the credits? Did David Cook win?
Weet : Yes, he won. I don’t think they show Rueben or Taylor.
Jake : They showed Taylor. He's the old man, right? He did Ford commercials right?
Weet : I don’t know. I try not to waste attention span on Taylor. You’re just saying words now.
Jake : Do they always have signs?
Weet : Yes, there have always been signs.
Jake : I don’t remember the signs. I’m surprised Fox allows them to have signs. They clash with the set.
Weet : I think that makes it seem spontaneous, the signs.
Jake : Oh, they don’t look spontaneous. Are they provided? Like while they’re waiting to get in? Like, here are some markers and cardboard. And then the production assistants come in and tell them what to write.
Weet : Actually some of the signs DO look a touch professional.
Jake : They did! That was some wacky eyebrow movement.
Weet : I haven’t watched anything about this so far. This is my first vision of the contestants.
Jake : All of these songs are going to be from like 19993, the year I graduated from high school.
Naima Adedapo “What’s Love Got to do with It” 1984
Jake :The Alicia Keys knock off is already annoying me. Awwww... the whole family is annoying. They are like NPR hippies at their worst.
Weet : She has multiple children. That’s part of her story.
Jake : Of course she did! She grew up in an NPR household. Who’s the mouth breather. Oh, Rodney Jerkins. I’m surprised they’re showing the casting couch portion. I thought they didn’t allow nudity on Fox this early in the evening. Are the boxing gloves part of her story? She’s a fighter! It’s nice that she’s dressed kind of from Thunderdome though.
Weet : It IS terrible. Horrible.
Jake : She’s got like every hipster religion is represented here. I don’t know what the calf things are though.
Weet : I don’t know what you mean, the calf things. Those... knee guards?
Jake : Yes
. I’ve heard karaoke better than this.
Weet : I’ve heard better karaoke too. I think I've SUNG better karaoke.
Jake : Are we being punked? Oh wait, no, they sent Ashton home last week. I think Tina Turner is putting on her wig and getting into her Escalade right now.
Weet : She’s like “Oh no bitch DID NOT!”
Jake : (quacks in response to Steven Tyler’s randomosity) Is Steven Tyler like the Paula?
Weet : No, J. Lo is the Paula.
Jake : Pitchy? I thought she said “bitchy” and that would make sense, it’s the Erykah Badyu hair. “Where my pitches at!?” Her flavor is crazy? She has no flavor. It all came from Urban Outfitters.
Weet : She DOES look like Alecia Keys though.
Jake : She also has that Julia Roberts horse mouth. Whoa, coming up, a bolo tie.
Paul “bolo tie” MacDonald “I Guess That’s Why They Call It the Blues” (1984)
Jake : Oh my god, he has born again Christian parents.
Weet : God I’m feeling old. For the record, I was in 7th grade in 1984. I had kissed a boy by that time.
Jake : I’ll bet the mother has to laugh, even though she looks like Shelley Long. I’ll bet the parents don’t know that Elton John is gay.
Weet : They probably think he just hasn’t found the right woman yet.
Jake : Well he was married once.
Weet : Yes! In 1984, I believe.
Paul starts singing
Jake : (sound of disgust/throat phlegm) Is he wearing jeggings?
Weet : I was too distracted by this horrible singing.
Jake : At least he’s not pitchy. We know where his pitches are at.
Weet : Yes, I can see them right there, through his jeggings.
Jake : He sounds like Macy Gray! He should have sung her song! Which I think came out in 1984. I think he has to get on television quickly before the male pattern baldness kicks in, which by the looks of it, was Tuesday.
Weet : He looks like David Cook, who, by the way, had a much bigger forehead than that.
(JLo says that he has soul)
Jake : He doesn’t have any soul. He’s a white born again Christian from the middle of the country. I love the macrame vest on his mother though. I didn’t think he was pitchy! I think Randy learned what pitchy meant so he’s going to use it in every critique now.
Weet : Oh Randy has been using pitchy for years. Can I just say, I don't understand why people have sex with Steven Tyler.
Jake : I think it’s because he might be chupacabra.
Weet : Who does Paul look like?
Jake : He looks like Bradley Cooper.
Weet : Mixed with a less talented cousin.
Thia Megia “Colors of the Wind” (1995)
Jake : 1995!
Weet : What?!
Jake : I dropped out of college for the first time.
Weet : I was living in an apartment with a man! The second apartment with that man!
Jake : I like that she had a home studio recording. She’s singing a song from Pocahantas! Woah, that is a giant clam o succulants.
Weet : I’ve been admiring that clam!
Jake : I know what people are getting for Christmas.
Weet : Oh Vanessa Williams, so screwed over by hollywood. She’s a quadruple threat! She sings, she acts, she’s gorgeous and also, she’s a mega scary bitch! I love her!
Jake : Do you think they’re deliberately making this sound like the Miss Thailand 2011 pageant? She doesn’t have very good strength. She’s kind of dull.
Weet : This is less painful than the previous two.
Jake : By comparison.
Weet : It IS making me hungry for sushi though.
Jake : I KNOW! It’s totally sushi music! And now she’s got to go back to her chair and finish doing someone’s nails.
Randy says it’s like a pageant
Jake : I totally called the pageant remark!
Weet : If Steven Tyler says he’s hungry for sushi, then we know something’s hinky
Jake : What? That’s not a timely song, it’s from a Disney movie! I wonder if she’s going to go backstage and get syphilis and die.
Weet : Is anyone going to get that reference?
Jake : LOOK IT UP!
James Durbin “I’ll be there for you” (1989)
Weet : I graduated from high school in 1989.
Jake : There’s a lot of cowboy outfits.
Weet : His mother’s a barfly?
Jake : And he was a thick child. Which is a nice way of calling him fat.
Weet : You just have to look at that kid and you know he’s going to be fat again in nine years.
Jake : I say six. I don’t think he really lived in 1989. Is he trying to be Adam Lambert.
Weet : No, Adam Lambert could sing in key. Seriously, what is year?
Jake : This is awful.
Weet : Is that the tradeoff for having better judges, having terrible talent?
Jake : I don’t even recognize the song.
Weet : You were probably a fetus at the time yoruself.
Jake : I was in high school! Ugh, I think the background vocals in Rock Band II are better.
Weet : That is the biggest incident of Shit In Back Pocket that I have EVER SEEN.
Jake : He’s wearing an entire Aldo around his neck. Oh, he thanked his band, that’s nice.
Weet : He’s a former fat kid. He knows not which side his bread is buttered on. He’s sucking up to Steven Tyler! Boooo. Seriously, is that like a Jewish prayer towel in his back pocket?
Jake : Jennifer Lopez was in In Living Color when he was born.
Weet : Randy looks like the devil.
Jake : That was “tastefully done”? (Shudder) If he wins, those boots are going to become a THING. At least his teeth are not blindingly white, like the last guy.
Hayley Reinhart “I’m Your Baby Tonight” (1990)
Weet : My guess is 1992?
Jake : 1990!
Weet : Damn it! She looks like miley Cyrus.
Jake : Whoa, that... that’s a lovely photo of the family.
Weet : Hayley should be very nervous about her future because her mother looked EXACTLY LIKE HER twenty years ago.
Jake : I’m your baby tonight?
Weet : Is that a proposition? Back to the clam shell.
Jake : I know.
Weet : No, THAT was the proposition.
Jake : I don’t think she understood a word that he said. She should come out dressed in like 1990s. This is bad karaoke also.
Weet : Seriously, we wouldn’t even be excited about this if we werea t, like, The Mint?
Jake : No, this is like “I’m gonna go pee”
Weet : Her stage presence is not great.
Jake : She almost tripped!
Weet : Actually, the high waisted pants, the tight ankles, the hair, I think she IS dressing 1990s
Jake : She might get a walk on role on the Cosby Show. Whoa, there is lipstick all over her face!
Weet : It’s on her chin! She does not look so beautiful tonight, J.Lo!
Jake : It’s opposites day for J.Lo. I like how she tried to look sultry there and it was just ruined by the lipstick all over her face! Someone should say something to her about the lipstick all over her face!
Weet : Thank god for Seacrest!
Jake : It’s true. Keeping it real.
Weet : Note to future starlets: BLOT! She’s got a giant mouth.
Jake : She does. And lipstick all over her face... still! There was not enough tissue in Seacrest’s pocket! I think Steven Tyler is sobering up, I hope they bring him out some methampethamines!
Stefano (The Italian Connection?) Langone “If you don’t know me by now” (1989)
Jake : He doesn’t look Italian.
Weet : Do you think he was named afte rthe character in Days of Our Lives?
Jake : I’ll bet so. Look at that mom.
Weet : That was a big summer for Stefano DiMera in 1989. He had stolen Marlena’s twins, and they were on an island and that was the first time that Roman died., I think.
Jake : Impressive.
(Stefano starts singing)
Jake : I have to say, he’s better than a lot of the others but bad song choice.
Weet : I hated this song and I was around in 1989.
Jake : Oh, he SHOULD do Funky Cold Medina. But no,
Jake : Why didn’t he do like Rod Stewart?
Weet : That would have been good... or...
Jake : Anything would have been better than Simply Red
Weet : Mo has an aversion to Simply Red. I believe she was strapped down in a chair and forced to look at videos of maggots while Simply Red’s Greatest Hits were playing or something. Randy was right, it WAS the best performance of the night, but that wasn’t very hard!
Jake : But the bar was set so very low
Weet : Subterranean
Jake : He managed to sing without getting any lipstick on his face too, Randy!
Weet : He’s Italian, look at how much he loves his mother!
Jake : She makes a nice lasagne!
Pia Toscana “Where do broken hearts go” (1988)
Jake : She’s the oldest, right?
Weet : So far?
Jake : Oh, I’ll bet you they bought her a Geo Storm when she graduated from high school.
Weet : Big shocker, Whitney Houston. Man, Rodney could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence.
Jake : Oh my god, he’s wearing a Cher pantsuit, complete with turquoise jewelry.
Weet : If you squint, she looks like Julia Louise Dreyfus
Jake : Yeah she does! Overtanned.
Weet : She’s more entertaining than anyone so far.
Jake : No... no.. just … hggh
Weet : Maybe it’s the pantsuit
Jake : That was just not good. It COULD be the pantsuit. She should have done a disco version to go with the pantsuit!
Weet : No disco in 1988.
Jake : I know, but it still would have been better!
Randy says that she’s in it to win it
Jake : I think she's the only one in it to win it, the others are just there. That’s a stupid remark.
Weet : I think Randy killed a hobo for his jacket.
Jake : If only it smelled like Listerine.
Scotty McCreery “Can I trust you with my heart” (we miss the year)
Jake : He looks like a deranged serial killing John Denver
Weet : So, is that someone who serial kills John Denvers?
Jake : No he looks deranged, like a serial killer, but also like John Denver.
Weet : Thank you for clarifying.
Weet : He looks like
Owen from Torchwood
Jake : I don’t know the reference
Weet : He’s not a very good looking man. And yet, every woman on the show wanted to fuck him.
Jake : Apparently Scotty made a career of Elvis. He should sing Johnny Cash.
Weet : I don’t believe that Neither Elvis nor Johnny Cash were making a lot of songs in whatever year this child was born.
Jake : Ugh, he’s singing travis tritt
Weet : I hate country. I hate it a lot. Unless I’m eating peanuts. I don’t understand that either but country music seems to make sense if I’m eating peanuts.
Jake : He’s definitely wearing IFA chic.
Weet : Do I need to look that up?
Jake : International Farmer’s. It’s kind of like Fleet Farm. I have a hard time taking him seriously.
Weet : He’s kind of lick a gimmick. He’s like that kid from the Little Rascals, Froggy?
Jake : This is probably the first time that people have stood up for a Travis Tritt song. J.Lo is not looking too happy about this. Oh, he DOES look like Alfred E. Newman.
Weet : He sure does! More than a John Denver serial killer! Can I just say again, J.Lo looks beautiful.
Jake : And she’s actually coherent, which is two things that Paula couldn’t do.
Weet : Do you think that Kara Dia Guarudio is watching these shows every week and seething?
Jake : I don’t care, that woman was horrible. I hope she’s in the ground.
Weet : Jake is a harsh critic.
Jake : I’ll bet you Scotty grows up and becomes an inspirational speaker. Or he may own a Nissan lot and he will sell you a Maxima.
Karen Rodriguez "Love Will Lead You Back" (1989?)
Jake : Whoa, that’s a bad hairpiece
Weet : She looks like an extra from Star Trek. Is this product placement?
Jake : Did he just say that Joe Jonas was tighter? This is another 1989 baby.
Weet : Jesus I want to die.
Jake : When she was still in her belly!?! She’s speaking English, why are they subtitling that? Oh, she has a history of horrible dressing!
Weet : I love that little girl dress though! Noooo not Taylor Dayne!
Jake : And yet, she went there.
(Karen said she wanted to be more than the spanish singer)
Jake : It’s true, she can grow up and clean hotel rooms.
Karen’s mom says that she loves her
Jake : They didn’t subtitle that! And then she spoke in Spanish without subtitles. That was just weird. She’s not bad. She’s not very strong.
Weet : She’d have to be good if she made it despite being an online audition.
Jake : Hey Wendy, want to couple’s skate?
Weet : My boyfriend’s at the snack bar, getting a slushie, so when he gets back, I have to pretend I don’t know you.
Jake : She’s loosing her boot tape. And she didn’t nail that note.
Weet : I like her. I like little Karen Rodriguez and her little Star Trek uniform. She does look like a little J.Lo.
Jake : Oooh, J.Lo is threatened by her. She’s all “there’s only room for one chica!” Everyone knows it but not J.Lo.
Casey Abrams "Smells like teen spirit" (1991)
Weet : he’s the one that said he can’t sing
Jake : Oh, more NPR parents. See, this is what happens when NPR parents breed. Ugh, they still have the Volvo station wagen in the garage.
Weet : That’s the kind of shit that scares me, I’m going to get knocked up at like 48 and then turn into those people.
Jake : He IS very pale, like you! You’ll have a baby that’s the color of skim milk who can’t articulate.
(Casey starts singing Nirvana)
Weet : Oh, really?! I don’t think the “oh really” can properly convey my derision
Jake : (to his mom) it’s Nirvana!
Weet : This is like if Eben got on American Idol.
Jake : I have a hard time taking this seriously. Although I have to say that he’s dressed more appropriately. He probably kills that song on Rock Band and all his friends tell him that it’s awesome.
Weet : I have no words.
Jake : That was like Fozzy Bear sings Nirvana
(J.Lo says “it still has to sound pleasant”)
Jake : J.Lo underSTATESI don’t htink he was doing it risky, I think he was doing it ironically.
Weet : Yeah, I think he was making fun of it. I fucking hate hipsters. He’s wearing an ASCOT!
Jake : It’s not tied correctly, which makes it worse. You have to commit, which makes it worse! Commit to the ascot.
Lauren Alaina “I’m the Only One” (1994)
Weet : She’s got tragic hair.
Jake : She’s like a beat up Carrie Underwood.
Weet : She’s like a merged Kelly Clarkson and Carrie Underwood
Jake : And their stylists! Whoa, that’s a lot of fringe on those boots. Oh my god! Her mom shops at the Limited II!
Weet : Oh. My. Hell. That’s what happens when teenage parents keep their baby!
Jake : Stop! The government is going to take away Weetapidol funding! Again, I don’t think Lauren doesn’t understand a word that man is saying. I hope that’s a wig. It looks like a bad wig.
Weet : No, I think that’s just the damage that Sun-In does to your hair.
Jake : She’s not bad.
Weet : She’s better than some of the other girls, definitely. But then there’s the fringe on her boots that I can’t forgive.
Jake : I think many Bothans died to fringe those boots.
Weet : Again, Weetapidol readers will not get that reference.
Jake : Look it UP! It’s called Wookiepedia!
Weet : She’s cute. I want to like her.
Jake : That mom is terrifying.
Weet : Bet you a dollar that the mom says her daughter is her best friend. And also, Steven Tyler wants to fuck her. With her mom.
Jake : Also, the mom has a house full of rent to own furniture.
Jacob Lusk "Alone" (1987)
Jake : I think this is the oldest!
Weet : I have some radar with him.
Jake : It’s true, he will melt chocolate in your pocket when he walks by. No wait, that’s microwaves.
(Jacob announces that he’s going to sing Alone by Heart)
Weet & Jake: (Gasp and make excited noises)
Weet : And radar confirmed!
Jake : That’s not an easy song!
Weet : As we both know! In fact, you sang it at
Weetacon!
Jake : Ech, he’s doing the Luther Vandross Heart. Oh, he’s going to cry. Although I have to say they definitely kept it in his range.
Weet : It’s impressive.
Jake : It IS impressive.
Weet : I don’t like it. But it’s impressive.
Jake : J.Lo is unhappy. I bet you a dollar he does drag. Evelyn won’t take that bet!
Weet : Are you kidding? That’s why his hair is shaved close, so that he can fit the wigs!
Jake : I think he tried out for the wrong show, aren’t they casting RuPaul’s Drag Race?!
(Randy talks about caressing the song)
Jake : It IS a hard song to caress. I think Steven Tyler just called him gay.
Weet : And JLo just called him a drag queen.
Jake : I would like him to lip sync for his life.
Weet : And don’t fuck it up.
Predictions
Jake : The first two are my votes. Or Thia! She could go home.
Weet : You’re just naming people in the montage now!
Jake : I think James Durban will be safe. I think Lipstick is safe too.
Weet : I agree that she’s safe. People will feel bad about the lipstick.
Jake : Stefano is safe.
Weet : What about Pantsuit?
Jake : She was too bland to go home. I think peopel will be mesmerized by her pantsuit, plus she she was just all right. I didn’t like McCreepy, but I think he’s safe too. I’m on the fence with Karen Rodriguez.
Weet : What about Fozzy Bear?
Jake : I’m pretty sure the NPR baby is safe.
Weet : I think Lauren’s fine too. Despite having horrible hair.
Jake : Ugh, there’s feathers in it. And Jacob Lutz will live on to drag on. That is seriously the worst group of Idol contestants that I have ever seen. They should be ASHAMED of themselves, Steven. Their song choices were terrible, Steven.
Weet : You have to be fair, though, 1986-1992 was kind of a sparse year for music.
Jake : I concede nothing.
Weet : So who is your vote for the ousting?
Jake : Alecia Keys.
Weet : I will say James Durbin.
Jake : And his jeggings.
Weet : The jeggings can stay actually.
Weetapidol OutLabels: "american idol" "stefano langone" "hayley reinhart" "jennifer lopez" "james durbin" "steven tyler" "ryan seacrest" "thia megia"
