Tuesday, April 13, 2010

Top 9: Phooooooohaaannntthoooo on the Ground

[The curtain rises, and Wendy and Mo are TOGETHER in the SAME ROOM on the SAME COUCH watching the SAME TELEVISION for the first time in a RATHER LONG TIME. Unfortunately, we've also spent a lot of time on this vacation drinking, playing Rock Band, visiting friends, shopping, socializing, driving around wine country, more drinking, more Rock Band, and not sleeping. So, here goes nothing. ]

Weet: That boy you like looks just like Maurice Gibb.
Mo Pie: I don't know who that is?
Weet: The one Justin Timberlake plays on the Barry Gibb talk show.
Mo Pie: Robin?
Weet: Yes, Robin. One of the Gibbs! He looks Gibbon.
[Randy walks out in his most acapella sweater yet.]
Weet: I'm sorry, but Randy is reading our blog. He is totally reading our blog!
Mo Pie: Hahaha!
Weet: Why did they just show Didi Benami on a big screen?
Mo Pie: It's the In Memoriam segment?

Weet: I actually like Kara's outfit.
Mo Pie: Whereas Ellen is dressed like a farmer on a picnic.
Weet: That is something special right there. She's got long johns peeking out from under her tablecloth.
Mo Pie: I usually like Ellen's look, but... no. Go back to cravats, Ellen.
Weet: Now Ellen's just naming Beatles songs. This is called filler, kids.
Mo Pie: Now Simon is babbling nonsense. This is called filler.
Weet: “Some songs are songs. Some songs have a lot of notes, and that's good. Sometimes there are too many notes in the songs.” And now, commercial. Jesus Christ! I can't believe I'm in charge of the remote and I didn't fast forward any of that.

Aaron Kelly, “The Long and Winding Road”

Mo Pie: Okay, this Yoda thing is charming.
Weet: I sorta love them now.
Mo Pie: Except now this is just going on and on because they have to fill two hours.
[Wendy fast-forwards]
Weet: Aaron's got some kind of peacoat situation.
Mo Pie: He looks like he's in the musical Oliver.
Weet: [Oliver accent] Please sir, may I have some... pubes?
[Both collapse into hysterical laughter.]
Weet: This is really sad, we're not even drinking.
Mo Pie: Well, you've got some water.
Weet: [Different fake accent] It should be noted that tonight we are drinking Municipal... and nothing.
Mo Pie: Hee.
Weet: I did not like the vamping there.
Mo Pie: I wasn't listening. Aaron isn't making any impression on me.
Weet: No. Besides, if anything, he doesn't look like Yoda, he looks like Gollum. He's kind of lanky like that.
Mo Pie: But Gollum is hunched over.
Weet: You're right, Andrew Garcia looks like Gollum. Actually, Andrew looks like Mr. Toad.
Mo Pie: Did Randy just say, “you've got a beautiful tongue”?
Weet: It might have been “tone.” But it did sound like “tongue.”
Mo Pie: I really hope it was “tone.”
Weet: I hope it was “tongue”!
[We rewind and verify it was “tone.”]
Weet: And Kara just cut Ellen off.
Mo Pie: She just wants to start talking as soon as possible.
Weet: Simon just called him “sweetie.”
Mo Pie: He was making fun of Kara.
Weet: Oh... I just desperately wanted Simon to not be a prick.
Mo Pie: With as much money as that man has, could someone buy him a shirt?
Weet: I enjoy Simon's nipples, I've told you that a million times. Look, there's one now, that's giving me hope. Leave me something, woman!

Katie Stevens, “Let It Be”

Mo Pie: Why is she dressed like Madonna circa 1986?
Weet: Madonna had better taste than that. And, it’s because they have a quota of necklaces that cannot possibly be met.
Mo Pie: There's no excuse for the earrings, though.
Weet: She should have done the Chanel spin. Oh my god... what if she already did the Chanel spin?
Mo Pie: She was originally wearing a rhinestone beret.
Weet: A tiny top hat cocked to the side, tied with string.
Mo Pie: And then she's like, “Mmm, a little too much?.”
Weet: Hee.
Mo Pie: I guess that was good.
Weet: I was bored.
Mo Pie: Aw, Randy's friendship bracelets!
Weet: How come we don't have friendship bracelets, Mo Pie? I'll make you one and tie it to your wrist while I'm singing a song. And you can't take it off, or I'll die.
Mo Pie: That's hardcore.
Weet: If you cut it off, you cut the strings of my life.
Mo Pie: That really was her best performance, because she usually sucks.
Weet: Well, she sucks.
Mo Pie: Is that Kara singing? JESUS CHRIST.
Weet: And so our prediction begins to unfold.
Mo Pie: Now she's making duck faces while Simon talks. I hate you, Kara! How many seconds was that, before I expressed my hatred?
Weet: Not many.

Andrew Garcia, “Can't Buy Me Love”

Mo Pie: I think I'm officially over him.
Weet: I don't know if I was ever under him.
Mo Pie: What is he doing behind the judges?
Weet: I don't know. Simon's the only one watching it though. The other judges don't care. Which is kind of the opposite of what they want you to believe.
Mo Pie: Maybe they have monitors. Or they're looking at the reflections in their Coke glasses.
Weet: I do see squares on the table. Maybe those are just pieces of paper.
Mo Pie: This song just has four words. That's it.
Weet: There's “everybody tells me so.”
Mo Pie: You’re right. And “no.”
Weet: I'm not a fan of early, early Beatles.
Mo Pie: My favorite song is “Help!” and I think that's early.
Weet: Yes... you know, I take it back, because “Help!” is great, and I also like “Long Day's Night.”
Mo Pie: Mmm.
Weet: He's wearing a button-up polo shirt, and for that I am disdainful.
Mo Pie: He looks like the Big Bopper or one of those guys.
Weet: He looks like Richie Valens and the Big Bopper had a baby that didn't die in the plane crash.
[Laughter]
Weet: Actually it looks like Richie Valens, Buddy Holly, and the Big Bopper's DNA combined in the plane crash, and they made a baby.
[More laughter]
Weet: I'm going to hell.


Michael Lynche, “Eleanor Rigby”

Mo Pie: I don't think I actually know this song.
Weet: It's Eleanor Rigby! Yes you do. It's early Beatles.
Mo Pie: It doesn't sound familiar. I mean, the title does.
Weet: Well he's changed it a lot...
Mo Pie: Oh, the chorus! I recognize it.
Weet: He has got the biggest wallet chain I have ever seen. It's so long, and the girth of it.. you could pull a tractor with that chain. You know what this means. I don't have to say it!
Mo Pie: You don’t have to say it.
Weet: But LOOK AT IT. He is the Incredible Hulk.
Mo Pie: This is really good. I bet there's no way he'll get voted off for this!
[Laughter]
Weet: I know. It's the best performance so far, of the show. Easily. It's the most memorable, mostly because of the big giant chain....
Mo Pie: Yeah, he's doomed, if this basically got him voted off.
Weet: Yeah.
Mo Pie: Blah blah blah.
Weet: Now they're doing cross-promoting with Glee. They should now pan over to Jane Lynch.

Crystal Bowersox, “Come Together”

Weet: Crystal is getting Ryan Raps! She's getting so pimped.
[They show the Crystal Bowersox sign in her town, and we squee.]
Mo Pie: Oh, that's so cute!
Weet: Oh, I didn't realize she had a baby.
Mo Pie: Didn't you see the audition shows? She's doing this for her baby.
Weet: No, I went in cold. Now I really think she's too good for this show!
Mo Pie: I do enjoy Crystal Bowersox.
Weet: It's got a digeridoo! This might be a first ever for Idiol.
Mo Pie: I would subtract the digeridoo from this.
Weet: See, if I were on American Idol. I would use it all the time. I would use every crazy instrument I could find.
Mo Pie: Bring out the... triangle!
Weet: No, they have triangles. The accordion! The concertina! Mandolins! A steel fucking guitar.
Mo Pie: A pan flute! A zither!
Weet: A Jew's harp. Somebody should be spitting into a jug!
Mo Pie: Taylor Hicks, in the corner of the stage, with a jug.
Weet: It's true.
Mo Pie: She's fabulous.
Weet: Once again, she is too good for this show. Crystal is so getting set up to be the shocker elimination in Top 5.
Mo Pie: Then the show is going to get really boring.
Weet: Oh, Randy agreed with you on the digeridoo!
Mo Pie: Of course Ellen loves digeridoos. Lesbians love digeridoos. Hahahahhahaa! Lesbians love digeridoos!
Weet: We're really tired.
[Ian walks out and sees the digieridoo player.]
Ian: “He looks like Pants on the Ground Man!”
[Ian presents a digieridoo version of “Pants on the Ground” that defies description.]
Weet: [to Mo Pie] You will never be able to translate that to weetapidol.blogspot.com.

Tim Urban, “All My Lovin”

Mo Pie: I like this song!
Weet: I do like this song.
Mo Pie: He's Efronning it up.
Weet: It's the only way he'll win. If you close your eyes, though, he hasn’t got a great voice,
Mo Pie: I don't think anyone's ever thought he has a good voice.
Ian: He doesn't have great looks either. So what does he have?
Weet: He's got the looks that 13 year old girls like.
Ian: Like Justin Bieber.
Weet: He's got the seeds that grow up into people like Josh Groban.
Mo Pie: But Josh Groban can actually sing.
Weet: This is true.
Mo Pie: I love how Randy's just going to judge Tim in relation to himself.
Weet: I wonder what Ellen's thinking right now.
Ian: She's writing her quip.
Weet: No, she's already written that.
Ian: What's that on Kara's hand? Is that a ring? It's as big as an iPhone.
Mo Pie: She's going to drink poison out of that ring if she doesn't get to talk.
Weet: She's going to poison Ellen is what she's going to do. How do you think she gave Paula the hallucinogenics?

Casey James, “Jealous Guy”

Ian: Who's that guy who looks like Peter Frampton?
Weet: He looks like Robin Gibb.
Ian: He looks like Andy Gibb.
Weet: He looks Gibbous.
Ian: That's Frampton Comes Alive right there.
Mo Pie: I've never even heard of this song. It is a bold choice.
Weet: So it could be Lennon or McCartney, not just Lennon/McCartney.
Ian: Well usually they just wrote their own songs anyway, but put both of their names on it. And Lennon wrote this when he was in the Beatles, when he was in India.
[Weet and Ian discuss the Beatles music history, and Mo Pie is lost. She gazes at Casey’s hair for the duration.]
Mo Pie: I enjoyed that song.
Ian: He picked a song that wasn't that well known, and he made it...
Weet: ..his own! He looks kind of like Blonde Jesus.
Ian: Is Ellen dressed like a farmer?
Mo Pie: [delighted] That's exactly what I said! I can scroll back and show you!
Ian: She should have a little stalk of wheat hanging out of the corner of her mouth.

Siobhan Magnus, “Across the Universe”

Ian: I can't listen to this. It's my favorite Beatles song.
[Ian flees the room.]
Weet: He actually fled. I never believe it when you say things like that happen. Ooh, she's got a not good lip gloss situation.
Mo Pie: I love her little outfit.
Weet: But look at the lipgloss. Wow. There's some stuff going on there. I bet that's Dior's Addict lip lacquer. Her outfit's cute.
Mo Pie: I like... the word... “lacquer.”
Weet: We're very tired.
Mo Pie: This is pretty. Ian didn't have to run away. Wait, maybe he did.
Weet: This is not.. happymaking.
Mo Pie: Yeah, I guess that note wasn't so good.
Weet: Her lips are just freaking me out with the closeup.
Mo Pie: It's the perils of HD.
Weet: Nobody is an “artist” like Siobhan!?!? Randy, what?
Mo Pie: Um, what about Crystal, Randy?!
Weet: Fuck you, fucker!
Mo Pie: I like Siobhan, but bleh.
Weet: Oh, she's crying.
Mo Pie: Oh, it's very cute. That was a very sweet moment.
Weet: And she's dating the Dr. Pepper dude?
Mo Pie: She's my pick for shock elimination this week.
Weet: You mean this week, not the Michael Lynche week?
Mo Pie: Yeah, the week where they lose two people and cannot save anyone. I hope not, though.

Lee DeWyze, “Hey Jude”

Mo Pie: They're trying to replicate the Kradam magic with this Andrew/Lee thing.
Weet: Desperately.
Mo Pie: I mean it's cute, but it's no Kradam.
Weet: Oh, not “Hey Jude”! I would have to do “Band on the Run” for Lennon/McCartney week.
Mo Pie: Yeah, I'm not getting the pimp spot vibe from this. This is a weird emotional note here.
Weet: He looks like he's either drunk or about to cry.
Mo Pie: He's smirking weirdly.
Weet: Wait, there's bagpipes. Inexplicable bagpipes! They're taking my suggestion to heart! We've had a digeridoo and now bagpipes!
Mo Pie: I think we might actually just be so tired that we're hallucinating.
Weet: The Chris Lights are in a tartan pattern.
Mo Pie: Why did he have to have the hat? The giant fuzzy hat?
Weet: What the fuck?
Mo Pie: Nice parade joke from Ellen! I enjoy Ellen's quips.
Weet: Do you note that when she pulls back, it's like a body language of power. It's like she's saying, “Suck on that, Dioguardi.”
Mo Pie: Ha!
Weet: Maybe that's why Lee was making those weird faces. He knew that a motherfucking bagpipe was going to walk down the stairs.
Mo Pie: I love how Lee's just embracing his power to get strange musicians.
Weet: I love that his answer to “why a bagpipe?” was, “Why not?”
Mo Pie: Yeah, good on ya, Lee! Wait, “good on ya”? Is that what they say in Scotland?
Weet: I have no idea.

Weet: So, predictions?
[Hysterical laughter.]
Weet: I predict that next week there will be someone with a concertina and a steel drum.
Mo Pie: And an abacus! Wait, that's not an instrument. I might mean a xylophone.
Weet: Also I would enjoy it if it opened up with somebody blowing a conch horn. [Makes conch sound.]
Mo Pie: We're very tired.

[During the recaps, we keep rewinding to catch glimpses of the obviously fake stand-ins for the judges. “They have the wrong head shape! They have the wrong hair!” We laugh hysterically.]

[Weetapidol out!]

3 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

And Big Mike remains to skeeve me out...

2:02 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I ... I love Elvis. I am one of those crazy Elvis fans and, if Beatles week isn't enough proof, these kind of themes just serve to show that no matter how talented these kids are, it is all karaoke.

"Lawdy Miss Clawdy" is a favorite. Casey's version made want to swallow my own tongue.

Thankfully, nobody touched "Don't".

8:39 AM  
OpenID suddensilence said...

Kim, I am also not a fan of Big Mike. I was really bummed that they saved him. :P

Weet and Mo Pie, LOVE the recaps. You two always leave me laughing!!

It's kinda funny how they were all, "This is the girls' year!" and now only two girls are left.

BTW, I loved Adam as a mentor...he really knows stage presence and I suspect they brought him on because so many of these contestants need help in that area, LOL

~ Wendi

10:01 AM  

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