Thursday, April 22, 2010

Top 9 Again: 'Shipping Adam Lamberrr

Mo Pie: Can I say I'm so excited for Adam Lamberrr?!? I'm so excited!!
Weetabix: I am... not as excited as you.
Mo Pie: Nobody is.
Weetabix: Credits. Let’s play “Where's Taylor?” I actually saw Taylor twice.
Mo Pie: Where's Adam Lamberrr?
Weetabix: They don't have him, because he's too good for the show.

Weetabix: Randy is, again, wearing some kind of cardigan. And Kara is wearing some boots that come over her knees, which is kind of strippery.
Mo Pie: Didn't she strip on last season's finale?
Weetabix: Yes she did. Why is Ryan vamping so heartily?
Mo Pie: I think that's the essence of Ryan.
Weetabix: He's the hardest working man in show business. He's the Kelly Ripa of the short blonde highlighted man set.

Mo Pie: There they are. And Siobhan is wearing... something.
Weetabix: Little Kevin Covais guy looks even more prepubescent. I bet they purposely don't have him standing next to Blonde Ace and Michael Lynche.
Mo Pie: Hee. "Blonde Ace."
Weetabix: I think it's telling that Glee has a Madonna episode and a Lady Gaga episode, while Idol is made by old guys and is pulling out an Elvis episode and a Beatles episode.
Mo Pie: Good point Thank you for the history on Elvis, like we don't know how that is.
Weetabix: Little Tweens, Elvis is important. He's like Adam Lamberrrr, only less fabulous. And less gay.
Mo Pie: Yay, there's Adam!!
Weetabix: He's even better looking than I remember. I think he got some kind of facial work done on his complexion. Like micro-dermabrasion.
Mo Pie: He could facial work on my complexion.
Weetabix: Nice. Way to bring it there. Oh my god, there's the Glee kids! And there's Jane Lynch!
Mo Pie: And there's Adam Lamberrr! He's so tall and Adamy.
Weetabix: He could eat Ryan Seacrest. And Mr. Schu is back there like "hey, I'm important too. and I'm going to do Adam Lamberrr after the show.” Look how he's looking at him!
Mo Pie: No kidding.
Weetabix: When did he get his ear gauged? I think it's kinda gross. Like, wear a big giant diamond. But then again, I am old.
Mo Pie: Yeah, that's almost too big for me... (that's what she said).
Weetabix: That's the thing. A little one is fine, but that's too big.
[Ryan tells Adam his tongue is not nearly as talented as Adam's.]
Mo Pie: Homoerotic subtext between Ryan and Adam!
Weetabix: Ooooh.

Crystal Bowersox, "Saved"

Weetabix: She's great.
Mo Pie: Adam's little pompadour is so cute! Okay, I'll stop in a second. He's so cute!
Weetabix: Please write this down: Mo Pie just squeed.
Mo Pie: Done. Yeah, this should be Lady Gaga/Madonna night.
Weetabix: This is making me hungry for biscuits. Doesn't a biscuit sound really good right now? With butter and honey?
Mo Pie: Well I got a homemade apricot scone warm out of the oven today from my friend Brad. So I'm still thinking about that.
Weetabix: Mmm, I want that. I want Brad's scone.
Mo Pie: Don't we all.
Weetabix: I know I say this every week, but she's really too good for the show.
Mo Pie: The guitar is sparkly. I approve of that. It's the Lamberrr influence.
Weetabix: It seems to have some Chris lights of its own.
Mo Pie: Does Randy have happy faces on his cardigan?
Weetabix: I thought it was mold, at first. He's got some signature there. Frank Morocco. Oh... yeah, that's a happy face.
Mo Pie: Kara's like "I still don't have anything to say, but I'm going to talk for two minutes."
Weetabix: "I'm going to talk about the lyrics to remind everyone I'm a songwriter."
Mo Pie: There's not a lot to say about Crystal. She's perfect and awesome and she should win.
Weetabix: She's not going to. She's going to be a shocking oust.
Mo Pie: Maybe she'll be the Taylor Hicks/Carrie Underwood, and steamroll over everyone.
Weetabix: Except she has talent. I mean, Carrie has talent now, but she seemed very bland on the show. [pause] Crystal's got a lot of macrame shit in her hair.

Andrew Garcia, “Something by Elvis, Who Cares, He Got Eliminated”

Mo Pie: Does Andrew's pocket look like... an ice cream cone?
Weetabix: He's got his wallet chain on Dunkleman.
Mo Pie: That's a new one. Does it make you want to have sex with Dunkleman?
Weetabix: No.
Mo Pie: Goodbye Andrew. I don't even care what you say in this intro because I know you’re gone.
Weetabix: Nice! Adam said he was bored.
Mo Pie: Yeah, Adam, I'm also bored! I just love that Adam is back on this show. It's been about five minutes since last season, but Adam Lamberrr is now a big star and a mentor and everything. He didn't even win! I know that I'm talking about Adam Lamberrr again, but you've got to give this to me. The alternative is to talk about Andrew Garcia.
Weetabix: Point. Pointy. This is boring. He's right, this is boring, even Post-Adam Lamberrr.
Mo Pie: He's not offending me. It's not bad. I just don't really need to see him anymore. Have a delightful career, Andrew.
Weetabix: He's the Nikki McKibbon. He's got a double wallet chain.
Mo Pie: Is that doin’ it for ya?
Weetabix: No. Why does Randy start with "Yo check it out, check it out, check it out, yo.... stomp."
Mo Pie: I thought the judges were going to like it, actually.
Weetabix: Well, Ellen does.
Mo Pie: Oh god, Kara. I hate her. Ok, I made it through two singers, almost, without saying that.
Weetabix: This would be the second singer.
Mo Pie: Oh yeah. Oh my god, that was a great analogy. The boring song in a musical.
Weetabix: What's the boring song in Rent?
Mo Pie: There's lots of boring songs in Rent. It's that snow snow, follow the man, his pockets are full of jam crap. I love that you can see the Glee people and also, I'm very sorry that Jane Lynch and Ellen can't get married because they're married to other people.

Tim Urban, "I Can't Help Falling In Love With You"

Weetabix: The lady in blue is Ryan's mom! They look alike! Don't make your mom work for you, Ryan Seacrest. Don't make her hump America's leg like you do. Oh, I love this song. I always wanted a cute boy to sing me this song!
Mo Pie: I'm warming up to Tim Urban.
Weetabix: Well I like him better than prepubescent boy.
Mo Pie: "I think I pushed him out of his comfort zone." Yeah you did, Adam.
Weetabix: "Turban"? Okay.
Mo Pie: He's got Chris lights!
Weetabix: But they are very dim. He's not well lit at all, in fact.
Mo Pie: The lights are shining on the Glee people.
Weetabix: Mm hmm. In fact, I would even say he is poorly lit there.
Mo Pie: But he sounds pretty and he's playing the guitar.
Weetabix: Maybe they're trying to challenge my supposition that if you close your eyes he wouldn't sound good.
Mo Pie: Split screen! My god, I think they've embraced the Tim.
Weetabix: Oh, I like this little verse. This refrain.
Mo Pie: Oh, he's gonna be a star, this little Tim Urban boy.
Weetabix: He's very cute. Very Kelso from That 70s Show. He's very pretty.
Mo Pie: That was actually pretty good, I think.
Weetabix: Yeah, I liked that a lot. And Randy acts so shocked!
Mo Pie: A tequila analogy! I like Ellen.
Weetabix: Aww, that's how she gets the ladies. Don't flirt, Ellen, he's a boy! You know what I just realized is wrong this year? The judges are all sober.
Mo Pie: There's no happy kitty cake pony unicorn.
Weetabix: I know. It's taken away a lot of my joy. "Zero to hero"? Oh please don't rhyme, Simon. Don't ever do that. [pause] Do you think Simon Cowell is Satan? Sometimes I look at him and he looks Satan-y.
Mo Pie: I don't know how to answer that.

Lee Dewyze, “Another Elvis Song”

Mo Pie: Ah, Adam Lamberrr, that was good advice, that Lee should stop acting like he’s in the recording studio.
Weetabix: Spot on. Pretend there's a guy with bagpipes behind you, Lee!
Mo Pie: There was a lot of homoerotic subtext there, but perhaps I am just projecting, as five minutes ago, I was 'shipping Adam and Tim Urban.
Weetabix: I'm not getting a sense that Lee actually followed that advice.
Mo Pie: He does seem to be actually turning his head from side to side, but that's not actually enough, Lee Dewyze. The guy in the band is emoting more than Lee is.
Weetabix: I'm bored.
Mo Pie: I find Lee kind of innocuous. I just want to watch all of the Glee people behind the judges. There's Finn!
Weetabix: The principal's there!
Mo Pie: Principal Figgins! Jane Lynch is nodding! Jane Lynch agrees with Kara. Mr Schu is wearing a fedora.
Weetabix: Mr. Schu looks like someone just got in trouble. Mr. Schu is a little bored.
Mo Pie: Isn't it crazy that you can watch his little face between Simon and Kara? Jane Lynch is mega into it! Mr. Schu is now gazing longingly at Simon.
Weetabix: The gossip is that Mr. Schu is definitely bi-coastal. So he really might have been looking at Adam longingly.
Mo Pie: Aren’t we all?

Aaron Kelly "Blue Suede Shoes"

Weetabix: I just want Adam to sing it all.
Mo Pie: YES! Oh my god! Can we have that night? Can we have the night where Adam Lamberrr just sings all the songs that exist? Adam has much less hand contact with Aaron Kelly. I'm going to stick with my previous 'ships. This one would just be creepy.
Weetabix: Yep.
Mo Pie: Aaron just needs to hit puberty. I can't assess this.
Weetabix: I'm feeling like I’m watching Star Search.
Mo Pie: Vocally he's not bad but...
Weetabix: But yeah.
Mo Pie: He's really doing as well as he possible could. He's doing a good job, he's just six years old.
Weetabix: It reminds me of an episode of Kids Incorporated.
Mo Pie: Thank you. I think that's the reference I was looking for. I think that's the reference that all of America has been searching for.
Weetabix: Kara is so smarmy. Come on Simon! Pull out the rug!
Mo Pie: All of these people bore me to death. I want Adam and all the people from Glee to start singing, because that would be a show that I want to watch. Hand the microphone to Jane Lynch!

Siobhan, "Suspicious Minds"

Weetabix: That little outro with Siobhan and Adam made me not like Siobhan so much.
Mo Pie: She's looking really smug. I love this song, though.
Weetabix: She's wearing the tights I bought my niece for Christmas. With purple tights underneath that peek through.
Mo Pie: Oh, Siobhan's an Adam fan! That's cute.
Weetabix: It is cute. But I don't think that she wants to be different all that much. I think she wants to be famous.
Mo Pie: Have you totally soured on Siobhan?
Weetabix: I've always been mildly curdled on Siobhan. Even though her last name is Magnus. She's got a great voice, though. I admit. But I feel that I'm being too forced. Also, I think her outfit is made of bandages, ala the Fifth Element.
Mo Pie: I don't like what she's doing with the chorus here.
Weetabix: This is way too friendly. It's actually a very angsty song.
Mo Pie: This episode is depressing me, because of how much I loved Adam last season,.
Weetabix: Why?
Mo Pie: Because I don't like any of these people even a tenth as much. Not even Crystal.
Weetabix: This arrangement is really uneven.
Mo Pie: So is her crazy hair. I love this song. I did not, at all, love that.
Weetabix: It's the arrangement. It's totally the arrangement.
Mo Pie: Which I think Randy is now critiquing. Wow, what's with Siobhan’s bandage shoes?
Weetabix: I know; the whole thing is just a nightmare.
Mo Pie: Kara's like, "now I'm going to tell you other judges what you all really mean by what you just said."
Weetabix: I wish Simon would stop saying "to me," because you're talking. We know that you're giving an opinion. Stop saying "for me..."
Mo Pie: I tell my students not to write that in their papers. "In my opinion..."
Weetabix: Yeah.
Mo Pie: That was actually not one of her best performances.
Weetabix: No, it's making me not like her. She's like cheesy buttered popcorn. And don't talk back, Siobhan.
Mo Pie: I know, I'm turning on Siobhan. TEAM CRYSTAL!
Weetabix: She made voting fingers. She's done. She's dead to me.

Michael Lynche, “In the Ghetto”

Mo Pie: Siobhan's like "This song has ghetto in the title and you are black! So you should pick this one!"
Weetabix: Ha! I love this one.
Mo Pie: I don't know this song.
Weetabix: WHAT?!?!
Mo Pie: I'm not an Elvis girl! I'm a Beatles girl!
Weetabix: You can be more than one kind of girl!
Mo Pie: Well I’m not an Elvis girl. Oh, this is really pretty.
Weetabix: It's a pretty song.
Mo Pie: Oh my god, this is my favorite performance so far. From MICHAEL!? See, he's got all the emotion in his face that Lee did not have. Yeah, this is good! This is definitely the most I've ever liked Michael Lynche.
Weetabix: This is different enough from the original that it's interesting.
Mo Pie: It's appropriate to slow down that song too, because it's kind of an emotional song.
Weetabix: Aw, that was nice, Ellen, to be glad that they saved him.

Katie Stevens, "Baby, What You Want Me To Do?"

Mo Pie: Adam Lamberrr and his pretty blue eyes.
Weetabix: He is pretty. Oh, Katie's shoes are nice.
Mo Pie: Maybe she just has the necklace quota, by herself.
Weetabix: Well Didi's gone. So there's only two chicks left, aside from Katie. And Crystal isn't gonna put up with a necklace quota.
Mo Pie: God bless her. This isn't bad, I'm kinda sorry Katie got voted off.
Weetabix: This isn't terrible. She's just wooden, though. She makes all the right moves, but her performance never meets her eyes. She's like a wind-up doll.
Mo Pie: I can see that. But I still would have sent Aaron Kelly home.
Weetabix: She reminds me of a JonBenet Ramsey grown up. A little kid who used to be in pageants.
Mo Pie: Now you've got me thinking of depressing things.
Weetabix: I'm sorry. Think about puppies and bacon.
Mo Pie: And Adam Lamberrr.
Weetabix: And Adam Lamberrr having a threesome with Tim Urban and Lee Dewyze.
Mo Pie: Yes!
Weetabix: While Mr. Schu watches creepily.
Mo Pie: Oh Kara. You're annoying. Now Katie's doing votey fingers. Votey begging! Even worse than voting fingers.

Casey “Blonde Ace” James, “Lawdy Miss Claudy”

Ryan: Here's what went down with Adam and Casey in Las Vegas!
Weetabix: Aw yeah, what went down?
Mo Pie: I see you've found your 'ship. See, for me, the tension just isn't there. They don't have that spark. Adam’s handshake says, “good bye, Blond Ace, I don't want to have sex with you.”
Weetabix: Ryan just called Casey sexy!
Mo Pie: Maybe that's what's going on there. "Lawdy Miss Claudy"? Is this a song?
Weetabix: It is a song.
Mo Pie: If it weren't, that would be weird. Can you imagine, "I'm going to sing this Elvis song" and then just going up and saying some words.
Weetabix: It doesn't sound like an Elvis song, which is why it's going to be successful. It sounds like a Blond Ace song.
Mo Pie: You're right, that's smart.
Weetabix: I wish I had a nickname like Claudy.
Mo Pie: Does Kara have gyroscope earrings?
Weetabix: I believe so.

Weetabix: So, uh, predictions?
Mo Pie: Hee. I like predictions when we already know who went. I don't think I would have picked Katie to go. I would have said Aaron and Andrew.
Weetabix: I don't know. I can cosign that. But I'm glad that Katie went.
Mo Pie: I will vaguely miss her. Or maybe not. I will definitely miss Adam Lamberrr.

Weetapidol out!


Post a Comment

<< Home