Tuesday, May 20, 2008

David vs. David showdown performances

Weetabix couldn’t stay up late enough to watch Idol tonight due to a deathly cold. So here I am, bravely ‘Pidoling into the darkness, because I figure we should have something down for posterity before the idol is crowned, right? And Weetabix and I will be back to blog her thoughts on the performances, and the finale. In the meantime, Ian is here, and he is willing to try and say some things. He has had half a beer, which means he’s totally and appropriately drunk. And now… here we go.

Ian: Is this part of it? Who’s that man?
P: Tony Bennett?
Ian: No… it’s not Ryan Seacrest?
Pie: This is dumb.
Ian: Are there only two people left?
Pie: Yes, and they’re putting them in boxing outfits.
Ian: Why? Do they always do that?
Pie: No. Where’s Ryan Seacrest? This is weird.
Ian: Maybe the grey-haired guy is Ryan Seacrest of the future.

Pie: There are all the voted off Idols, and Luke Perry.
Ian: There’s Ryan Seacrest of the present day.
Pie: “Who’s out there for Cook?” Me, that’s me!
Ian: The New York Times mentioned that Randy only has four things he says.
Pie: Alan Sepinwall just wrote about how Randy totally should go. Partly because he only says four things.
Ian: So other people have noticed!
Pie: More boxing metaphors? This is so stupid. Is this how they’re trying to make the show better?
Ian: Apparently.
Pie: What’s with the weird lighting on Clive Davis?
Ian: To make him look more human.

Ian: Baby, I really could barely tell these two apart. They’re both named David.
Pie: The Archuleta one is the one who hasn’t hit puberty.
Ian: The people who are text messaging are never going to be able to keep them straight. They can’t even remember 1-866 vs 1-800.
Pie: Hee.
Ian: They already had the coin toss, but they’re showing the coin being held. And now they’re showing soda.
Pie: That’s not just soda, that’s Coca Cola!
Ian: Shh! Hey, they didn’t pay your blog, did they?


Ian: Paula’s advice is that “we’re at the theater.” That’s her feedback.
Pie: Earlier this season, she told Brooke White “you are Brooke White.” Aw, this is cute, the Davids little speeches to each other.
Ian: It’s just like McCain and Obama!
Pie: Which one is McCain and which one is Obama?
Ian: The older one is McCain, obviously. The ethnic one is Obama.

COOKIE, “I STILL HAVEN’T FOUND WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR”
Ian: Who’s the one that used to play guitar? Him?
P: Yes…
Ian: Why doesn’t he get it now?
Pie: He’ll probably play it later. This is a good song. Does he have the lyrics on a teleprompter?? I bet that’s for Archuleta’s benefit.
Ian: I don’t know. I don’t think he has charisma. Sorry.
Pie: Do you like Chris Daughtry better?
Ian: I don’t have an opinion on Chris Daughtry… this guy’s voice is alright.
Pie: That was not as spectacular as I’d hoped. The judges look bored.
Ian: I’m bored.

Ian: Do you know what the judges are like? Goldilocks’s three porridges. One is too nice, one is too mean, and one is just right.
Pie: That’s making Randy “just right.”
Ian: Well none of them is deep.
Pie: This is why they need to replace Randy. They need better porridge. They need a “just right.”

ARCHIE, “DON’T LET THE SUN GO DOWN ON ME”
Ian: His song is supposed to be “I’ve got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.”
Pie: Clay Aiken sang this song, you know.
Ian: Did he sing the hell out of it?
Pie: Well, yes.
Ian: I think he’d be better if he didn’t look at the camera when he sang… if he looked at the audience. I think it would be better for the viewers at home too.
Pie: I think you’re right, actually. He’s always mooning into the camera.
Ian: Yeah, you get sick of it. If you watch other performers, they don’t do that.
Pie: Now he’s taking your advice!
Ian: I don’t know. Did you hear that finale? It was just like, “how can I end this? OooooOOOooOOhoooohoooaaaah!" He might have a little bit of a sweeter voice than the other guy, but… hey! They brought his dad back! They let him in. The restraining order was temporarily lifted.
Pie: This David is Randy’s favorite.
Ian: Aw, he’s going to cry.
Pie: He’s very “Aw, shucks.” Wow, they all liked it. We must not be drunk enough.
[Paula: "The sun is never going to go down on you."]
Ian: Wait, I need to hear that again!
[We rewind]
Pie: It’s unfair to make little Archuleta sing about going down. Wow, and even Simon liked it.
Ian: Well these are the two best singers left.
Pie: Many seasons we get left with crap.
Ian: I agree with Simon. Round one goes to Archuleta. Though it didn’t bowl me over.
Pie: He’s so cute. He’s so winning.
Ian: He definitely has a more telegenic face. The other guy has too much product in his hair. And he has that weird fake beard going on, like Ryan on The Office.

COMMERCIALS

Ian: Wait, a songwriting contest? For anybody?
Pie: Yes… it’s interesting, letting them pick their own songs. Usually they only pick one, and it only works for one contestant.

COOKIE, “DREAM BIG”
Pie: There’s the guitar. And his hair is really sticking up.
Ian: Yes, it is… This song seems better suited to his voice than the U2 song.
Pie: I can’t tell if this is a good song or not.
Ian: That’s not the point… the point is that it showcases his voice.
Pie: And his guitar skills. And his sticky-up hair.
Ian: Hmm. I think that third chorus kind of reminds you that it’s not that good. He should have stuck with just two choruses.
Pie: The songwriter? Or…
Ian: No, Cook. He didn’t have an idea for making the third chorus different… I know a good singer would have done something better with that third chorus. The Beatles could song “She loves you yeah yeah yeah” over and over and make it interesting.
Pie: Oh no, poor David Cook. The title is slipping out of his hands right now.

ARCHIE, “IN THIS MOMENT”
Pie: This is a perfect Idol song title. Kelly Clarkson’s was “A Moment Like This”
Ian: Oh no… he does not know what to do with his hand. Check out his moves.
Pie: He looks like an animatronic.
Ian: It’s the third “put it on my abdomen” move… oh, there’s the fourth!
Pie: I emjoy “cup hand towards audience.”
Ian: He should stand totally still like Josh Groban.
Pie: Does he have an anchor on his back?
Ian: Yes. An anchor on the front, too.
Pie: He is literally the furthest thing from a pirate I can imagine.
Ian: He has a nice voice, but he doesn’t seem to have the feelings behind it. I mean the song might not have any feelings, but…
Pie: Aw, I think he’s cute.
Ian: There he goes again with the stomach! He’ll probably win.
Pie: Probably. And Brooke and Jason do not look happy about it. Ooh, is that constantine?
Ian: Is Constantine the guy with the hole in this throat?
Pie: No, that’s Anthony. Constantine’s the one who looks like a penis.
Ian: Dreadlocked penis?
Pie: No, that’s Jason.
Ian: Oh.
Pie: I love how Randy is insulting all the songs written for the songwriting competition.
Ian: Where’s the crying girl? Didn’t she get a permanent spot?
Pie: She‘s probably really sad she wasted all her tears on Sanjaya.
Ian: Who’s going to be the American Idol? I think I know.

COOK, “THE WORLD I HAVE KNOWN”
Ian: This is the perfect song for this show. Collective Soul is the perfect emotional but faceless pop.
Pie: I don’t think this is going to do it for him. He should have sung Billie Jean again. That would have been better.
Ian: Yeah…
Pie: He’s going to have a good Daughtry-like career though.
Ian: There’s already a Daughtry
Pie: He’ll be the version… with hair.
Ian: H33 It’s alright, but… I don’t know.
Pie: Aw, he’s crying! And his brother who is dying of cancer is in the audience.
Ian: They’re giving him the wrap-up speech.
Pie: I think they all like him, but they know it’s not good enough to beat Archuleta. And Simon agrees that he should have sung Billie Jean again.
Ian: That’s exactly what you said!
Pie: It was his high point on the show.
Ian: “Why do something I’ve already done?” That was a dig at David Archuleta.
Pie: The person who sings last always wins.
Ian: It was a coin toss, though!
Pie: I know. We saw the coin!

ARCHIE, “IMAGINE”
Pie: And here is where he clinches it. I’m predicting it.
Ian: He’s already sang it once. Now it’s just repeat. It’s a cakewalk!
Pie: Gazing into the camera! Now that you pointed it out, it bothers me every time.
Ian: He’s adding all the notes he likes to sing.
Pie: Has he put his hand on his abdomen?
Ian: Not yet.
Pie: He totally just won. He’s got a beautiful voice, really.
Ian: Yeah.. he just doesn’t have that much emotion behind his voice.
Pie: Well, he’s like twelve years old.
Ian: Yeah, maybe he’ll grow into some.
Pie: Randy is crowning him the winner already. Paula loves him… I bet Simon is going to love him…. Yep! Well, there you have it.
Ian: There is no way the other guy can win.
Pie: No. I thought it was going to be so close…
Ian: I saw some web headline that the other David was favored to win.

RECAP
Ian: In case we don’t remember? I remember! “The birds sang…
Pie: Well, I think we both agree who’s winning. Any final thoughts?
Ian: No. I think he’s going to win but I don’t think he’s going to have a great career for at least a few years.
Pie: He needs to get rid of his father, for one thing.
Ian: he’s going to be a forgotten winner. Unless he gets into some bizarre drug stuff. Like ODs, and then gets some experience behind his voice.
Pie: I love how you’re wishing an OD on him.
Ian: He needs a rough-and-tumble life experience to give his voice that gravitas that he currently does not have.
Pie: I like them both. Yay, Davids!
Ian: Ryan is like “One of them will win… I don’t know which one!”
Pie: It’s a mystery.
Ian: Ruben Studdard, remember him? He was the winner! Remember him? Remember?
Pie: Are they saying Archuleta is the next Ruben?
Ian: I’M saying…
Pie: Ruben is probably sitting around at home all year, waiting to come on this show. Montage!

[Our TiVo cuts off Ruben, and there is nothing left to say.]

IANPIDOL OUT!

7 Comments:

Blogger Erica said...

That boxing intro was stupid.

7:22 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mopie thanks for texting me the numbers! I was a voting fool all discreetly and such, you rock. Although, even though I voted my bootie off tonight, I feel like Simon just burried Cook tonight. I wanted to cry for him! Poor Cookie! Damn you Archie and those damn closed eyes and stupid hand gestures and lip licking! My only hope is all those 9 year olds voting for Archie had to go to bed and didn't last until midnight redialing like I did. *laughs*

what did you do America!?

Shari

10:17 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

You're welcome! Actually as of right now, Dial Idol has Cook winning which I totally can't imagine.

10:21 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Oooh! Well now that makes me happy. Honestly, I think Archie won the night, however Cookie won the Season and that's why (if dialidol is correct) he would win.

I also was rethinking Simon's comments. I think maybe he personally feels Cook should win and was worried that Archie was going to steal the title so he got all the Cook fans paniced so we would vote double time.


Feel better soon WEET!

Shari

6:53 AM  
Blogger Eden said...

Since the downloads of last night's performances are only available through the end of today, I have a theory that producers are watching to see who sells more before King David is crowned.

I also felt like they were setting us up not to like Cook and to swoon over Archie. But didn't they do the same w/ Clay & Ruben?

10:26 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Here's my thing: I loathe David Archuleta and ... well, really, that's pretty much it. I feel bad for hating a child, but I do hate him.

I also hate when anyone sings "Imagine". That's one of those untouchable songs. The beauty of it is in its simplicity--simple melody, simple (albeit haunting) lyrics about a raw and wounded time in our nation's history. And when someone does runs and trills and "yeahs" and "ooos", it hurts that song.

11:20 AM  
Anonymous Martha said...

I'm so glad David won!!! ;-) I was out tonight and only caught the last 15 minutes - but it sounds like it was a great show (the results show). I can't wait to watch it.

I really want to see the tour, for the first time. I just tried to get tix at Ticketmaster, and, of course, it's sold out in my town. DAMN. But the show is one month after the due date of my baby so I probably shouldn't count on being able to get out to see a concert anyway.

Ramble much? I blame pregnancy brain... Still, cool season! Thoughts anyone who's seen the results show yet???

7:57 PM  

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