Tuesday, April 22, 2008

Top 6: Would it be weird if we masturbated to this?

MoPie : helloo
Weetabix : hellooooooooo! (that was sung as an aria)
MoPie : Weetapie.... Weetapie... let us watch the show and say, my my....
(that was supposed to be to the tune of Jesus Christ Superstar)
(I will work on it)
Weetabix : (I got chills)
can you stay paused for a moment so we can talk about our ideal ALW songs for each contestant?
MoPie : yes, absolutely
Weetabix : Because I really really want Jason Castro to sing a jangly version of "I don't know how to love him"
MoPie : your idea is excellent. I myself want David Cook to sing "Heaven on Their Minds."
Weetabix : which musical was that from?
MoPie : Jesus Christ Superstar, my favorite ALW musi-cal
Weetabix : wait, isn't Miss Saigon also ALW?
MoPie : no, it is not
Evita, JCS, Phantom, Cats...
Weetabix : Aside from Phantom, Cats and Jesus Christ Superstar, I have no idea what else ALW has done
MoPie : which, you know someone is going to sing Memory
Weetabix : also, didn't he do an Abba musical?
that wasn't Mamma Mia?
MoPie : Starlight Express, Evita, I think Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat
(which, David A: "Close Every Door")
Weetabix : yes, Starlight Express is what I'm thinking of
MoPie : that is... not Abba. It's trains.
Weetabix : oh shit, Castro's going to do a ukelele version of Any Dream Will Do...but... roller skates, right?
MoPie : if there is a god, then yes. yes, roller skates and trains. no Abba.
Weetabix : well, in my universe, I choose to imagine it as an unholy amalgamation of Xanadu, Phantom and also Mamma Mia...because that my friend? Would be the best musical ever!...and also, Little Mermaid...roller skates under the sea!
MoPie : it would! and Starlight Express is the worst musical ever, and therefore the opposite of that.
Weetabix : which would explain why I haven't seen it. I'm said that Miss Saigon isn't going to be part of the show...because I would like to see Paula and Simon sing the. um. love song duet thingy....Last Night Of The World?...something like that. Is Les Mis ALW? I want this to be just a Broadway show! All Broadway!
MoPie : SOMEONE SING WICKED
Weetabix : I will sing Wicket...and also, Wicked...and it will be Wicket awesome!
MoPie : hee...Wicket, the croquet musical!
Weetabix : I really do think that Ryan has petit de mort when he says "This! Is AMERICAN IDOL!"
MoPie : no kidding
Weetabix : David Duchovny is in the audience? weird...Wait, American Idol is using "green power" at the finale? That... I need more information. what exactly does that constitute? OH MY GOD! the PHANTOM IS STARTING! and then Ryan fucked with it!
MoPie : it means.. Earth and... stuff.
Weetabix : I am going to get very upset tonight, I can already tell
MoPie : the Idols are about to fuck with Phantom
Weetabix : I get irrationally emotional when it comes to the Phantom
MoPie : and also Cats, which you would think couldn't be fucked with by definition...
Weetabix : Bad Cats hurts babies
MoPie : Ian: "Andrew Lloyd Weber is still alive." he just wanted to inform us.
Weetabix : Oh good, they are going to remind us of the Oeuvre of ALW
MoPie : now we'll find out if we missed any
Weetabix : yes, he is still alive, much to the dismay of Sarah Brightman
MoPie : my favorite is totally Jesus Christ Superstar, which I love...wow, we missed a lot
Weetabix : yes, things I've never heard of!
MoPie : and they're showing a clip from the TERRIBLE Phantom movie
Weetabix : oh, they went to Vegas! I want to go to that show!
MoPie : we could go to see Phantom in Vegas!
Weetabix : let's go! I'm in! It will be my mumble-somthingth time I've seen it!
MoPie : Ian says: "no."
Weetabix : screw ian! He can hang out with Esteban, who also says "no"
MoPie : he says I can see it though.
Weetabix : ALW would like you to know "words, words, words"
MoPie : he takes himself a little seriously, that ALW...dude, you wrote Cats...lighten up
Weetabix : and Starlight Express, which had zero mermaids in it, apparently
MoPie : zero mermaids, zero Swedish people...I actually want to see the version of Starlight Express in your head with mermaids and croquet and Abba
Weetabix : it would dazzle you

SYESHA MERCADO

Weetabix : I have never heard of "one rock and roll too many"
MoPie : it's from Whistle down the Wind
Weetabix : oooooh, Syesha just kind of schooled ALW...and he's classy enough not to backhand her off the stage, out to the cheap seats
MoPie : she's on the piano, wow
Weetabix : oooh, she's wearing a sexy sexy dress! and wow
MoPie : that red dress is fabuuuulous
Weetabix : and also, her boobs
MoPie : NICE TITS...sorry, I meant that respectfully
Weetabix : also, I like her voice. It's definitely got a rich tone that I don't think we've heard before.
MoPie : this is absolutely the most I've ever liked her
Weetabix : absolutely. Syesha needed ALW Week! and also, to stand on the piano with her boobies on display.
MoPie : she looks great, she sounds great...she looks comfortable, too
Weetabix : Seriously, she's suddenly like a superstar. Her voice is spot on...except for that note
MoPie : yeah, not a great note, but nonetheless
Weetabix : I was not liking the "tone out of you" line...but overall, I can totally forgive, because that was the first seriously amazing performance I've seen from this girl. I kept forgetting that she's in it.
MoPie : yeah, me too, and Randall agreeth
Weetabix : Randall thinks she could be a Broadway star and also, agrees with me that it's the best performance so far.
MoPie : Paula: "this is your happy place"...Paula knows from happy places. Simon is turned on! ha! speaking of his happy place
Weetabix : Ha! Totally! Suddenly, he's all "Ooooooh! Boobs!"
MoPie : LEGS...have you learned nothing? the short skirt is what did it for him...Ricky shoutout!
Weetabix : Yay Ricky! Syesha should wear red more often, because it makes little Simon very happy

JASON CASTRO

MoPie : singing MEMORY
Weetabix : FUCK, he's doing Memory
MoPie : I cannot wait...this is going to be awesomely bad
Weetabix : I seriously predict that Jason will be full of Fail on this
MoPie : I will also predict this
Weetabix : and he's trying to damage control in the Ryan Raps portion...I really hope that ALW actually is so disgusted by Castro that he actually deficates on the stage
MoPie : Jason "I didn't know a cat was singing it"...the musical IS CALLED CATS
Weetabix : like the Starlight Express in my head, the AI in my head is very good
MoPie : well I don't want to see anyone pooping
Weetabix : Seriously, I want to smack Castro so much right now
MoPie : the white suit is gross
Weetabix : Can he do anything that isn't a ballad?
MoPie : I want to shave his head
Weetabix : whatev, Delilah....this is so not good
MoPie : this is no good...this is poop on the stage
Weetabix : he doesn't have a low register? he's struggling with the low notes, it's just weird
MoPie : he doesn't have a high register, either, it's just all breathy
Weetabix : sorry, I hate this
MoPie : HATE IT. NEXT.
Weetabix : yes, I think he totally just rides on the stupid kissy faces that he makes
MoPie : (that was my Anthony-from-Sex-and-the-City voice)
Weetabix : oh my god, and white suit, white shoes, and DARK SOCKS?!?!?!
MoPie : bleh. go Syesha, is all I have to say about that. he is NOT wearing dark socks. NO.
Weetabix : yes, that was fantastic. Anthony is my favorite secondary character on SATC
MoPie : Randy actually said the word "trainwreck"...god bless you, Randall
Weetabix : yes, he is. Like a dark blue. My eyes are hemorrahging. which I spelled incorrectly
Twinkle Twinkle Little Star is too big of a song for Castro...and also, No, Paula, NO, everyone is not used to hearing this from a female star. Barry Manilow sang the fuck out of this.
MoPie : Simon looks like he wants to slap some duct tape on Paula's mouth
Weetabix : Randall has a man crush on Castro. HA! Simon called it. It was painful and awful.
MoPie : thank you, Simonovich. I need more wine, after that.
Weetabix : I can imagine
MoPie : WHY IS MY WINE GONE
Weetabix : I think I need a Tums. NO ONE VOTE FOR CASTRO! PLEASE MAKE IT STOP. It's only going to get worse, people. That's all I can say.
MoPie : okay I go get wine before ff-ing
Weetabix : ok, I'm also going to get some more sustenance

WEET AND PIE RECOVER FROM THE HORROR DURING COMMERCIALS

BROOKE WHITE
MoPie : Brooke looks confused by the song
Weetabix : wow, ALW had a brooke breakthrough
MoPie : we'll see how it goes
Weetabix : I like her dress...oh!
MoPie : when Madonna is a better singer than you, you're fucked
Weetabix : OOOOH!
MoPie : wow, she just fucked up and had to start over
Weetabix : she fucked up hardcore! is she going to be off her game now?
MoPie : Brooke looks like she's pooping while singing
Weetabix : there's probably still an odor left over from Castro's performance...she's screwing up the words
MoPie : that is some halfhearted hand waving from the audience
Weetabix : "wave your hands and win a Ford Focus!"
MoPie : I can't figure out why she had to start over
Weetabix : because she messed up the words? maybe? or did she perhaps jump in too quickly?
MoPie : maybe, I don't know...I don't know the song well enough
Weetabix : maybe she'll say...Randall is right, they need to believe what they are singing
MoPie : wow, she pissed off Paula
Weetabix : Ooooh, Paula rubs in the starting and stopping
MoPie : Paula is drugged up and confused and yet still pissed off...hee, "you were you"
Weetabix : wow, that is harsh. "You're NOT pretty. You're not you. You just screwed up!"
MoPie : she's pouting again
Weetabix : of course she is. what other recourse does she have? Ryan is finding out for us! She forgot!
MoPie : and Simon is calling her brave for it
Weetabix : I wonder if the producers told them to be nice to her this week...per Brian Dunkleman (the person, not the handkerchief)
MoPie : Paula is not happy about the stop and start, and Randall and Simon disagree--interesting. I am told that Dunkleman has some of it right and some of it wrong...I am not at liberty to be more specific than this
Weetabix :shit


DAVID ARCHULETA

MoPie : aw, he's wearing a little Members Only jacket...little girls hugging Archibald
Weetabix : Oooooooo! PHANTOM!
MoPie : he's singing THINK OF ME?!?!
Weetabix : I love Think of Me!
MoPie : who doesn't?
Weetabix : communists...CASTRO! Oh, it's got like this whole "More Than Words" vibe
MoPie : this is insane! in a good way, actually
Weetabix : it is kind of poppy...kind of like the ending credits of a Pixar movie kind of way
MoPie : he's good, this little tiny man. this is not horrible at all.
Weetabix : ALW is right, he does much better keeping his eyes open. although he's rushing some of the lyrics. ok, I have decided I am pro this version of this song
MoPie : however, not horrible...Ian is singing along. kind of howling, really. it is endearing, if you are married to him
Weetabix : I will take your word for that! wait, Randall seems unnecessarily excited...Paula has gotten over her shock and dismay over Brooke's false start...wait, the camera just showed Paul Stanley from KISS!? it's surreal audience night!
MoPie : where's Rue McClanahan and Barack Obama? and Andre Breton?

CARLY SMITHSON

MoPie : singing All I Ask Of You!! I love it!
Weetabix : oh my god!
MoPie : wait, no
Weetabix : MY FAVORITE
MoPie : he's changing her song...noooooooo
Weetabix : NOOOOOOOOO
MoPie : except she sounds great at Superstar..and this is my favorite ALW musical
Weetabix : seriously, I am SO devastated that she didn't do All I Ask Of You. that would be my song on ALW night
MoPie : All I Ask of You is a fantastic song
Weetabix : that's the song that I fell asleep to, the night before my wedding
MoPie : mine would be Heaven on Their Minds
Weetabix : really? Awesome! oh my god, look at all the lights
MoPie : Ian: "This has her writen all over it? What does that mean, she's Jesus?"
Weetabix : and the dress is awesome...she is. She's Jesus. Irish Jesus.
MoPie : the dress is a great print but a weird cut
Weetabix : you're right, it's giving her a poochy belly
MoPie : I love Judas...ih the musical, I mean
Weetabix : her voice is amazing. She's such a rocker chick. ALW was right, her chest voice was made for this song. all of the "yeah yeah yeah"s? So awesome.
MoPie : she's awesome
Weetabix : I would love to be able to wail like that. Paula's standing o! Wow, Simon says it's one of his favorite performances of the night? That's awesome.
MoPie : I hope people vote for her...I guess I could vote for her! as we are now caught up to real time
Weetabix : you can! you should!
MoPie : I SHALL
Weetabix : phone lines are actually open for you right now...since they have to open for the other coasts, right?
MoPie : what was the number? 5?
Weetabix : Must be...since she's the 5th of the night
MoPie : it is busy
Weetabix : David Cook will be six...that's a good sign!
MoPie : busy again!
Weetabix : that's how dial idol works, right? It's measuring the busies?
MoPie : it is...I am a one-man dial idol over here...I'll try later


DAVID COOK

Weetabix : I wonder what Dane Cook will be singing?
MoPie : probably not Heaven on Their Minds :(
Weetabix : probably not
MoPie : oh of course
Weetabix : FUCK YES!
MoPie : MUSIC OF THE NIGHT
Weetabix : FUUUUUCK YES!
MoPie : hee
Weetabix : I hope that he doesn't tank it...oooh shit...I'm going to have a moment
MoPie : I love how ALW is like "pretend you're a statutory rapist!"
Weetabix : I can tell you right now, from the snippet, that I will be downloading this from iTunes...and maybe also the video clip...for my private moments
MoPie : hee...this is where you use the line, "would it be weird if I masturbated to this?" (disclaimer: this was my reaction to watching Chris Daughtry singing Hemmorhage)
Weetabix : so, I think I'm too much of a Phantom purist. but that NOTE!? the "to BEEEEEEE?
MoPie : well he's no Michael Crawford
Weetabix : but I think it was in the spirit of the character
I actually loathe the Michael Crawford phantom
MoPie : you're kidding! who do you like?
Weetabix : I'm not. Peter Cousens
MoPie : my favorite live was Norman Large, who understudied for Robert Guillaume and was fantastic
Weetabix : I have also seen Norman Large. Also very good. I haven't ranked them, in particular, I just know that I love Peter Cousens the best.
MoPie : I've never even heard of Peter Cousens
Weetabix : he's Australian and a friend of Hugh Jackman, which makes him, you know, talented just by osmosis
MoPie : is he in your pants?
Weetabix : he is. At all times. I like how simon is like "Well, I have to say that it was good, so there you are"

MONTAGE

MoPie : who is going?
Weetabix : and also, I hope that Ryan never feels compelled to try to sing something like that ever again
MoPie : I think Jason Cook is in trouble
Weetabix : CASTRO if there is a God in heaven
MoPie : Brooke gets sympathy votes...Syesha was genuinely good
Weetabix : Brooke will get sympathy votes, if only for Paula harshing on her
MoPie : Carly was awesome, and the Davids are totally safe
Weetabix : I think Brooke will still be bottom three...wait, there will be a genuinely good person in the bottom three then
MoPie : I think Brooke is destroying my chances of winning the Weetapidol pool
Weetabix : sadly, I think it will be Syesha rounding out the bottom...unless something strange happens and it's Archie. I say Castro's gone...unless Brooke goes, which is quite possible. has Castro been in the bottom three even once, though?
MoPie : I don't think so...there is no way Archie is in the bottom three
Weetabix : he must have a mysterious fan base voting for him
MoPie : I will try Carly's line again!
Weetabix : keep trying...keep the faith! even though she didn't do All I Ask of You
MoPie : the judges are all wearing Phantom masks and it is creepy
Weetabix : ooooh, I'm sorry I'm missing that...maybe I'm not
MoPie : okay, well I guess that's all for us tonight!
Weetabix : Weetapidol out!
MoPie : WEEEEEttttaapiiidoooooLLLLLL oooOOOooooOOOOOOUTTTTTTTTTT

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9 Comments:

Blogger Kim said...

Meanwhile, at Kim's house:

Opening: "Oh God, someone may be singing Music of the Night. I may have to kill someone."

Syesha: Sounded all kinds of screechy and pitchy to me, but maybe I have an ear infection.

Jason: I still have no idea what he was singing.

Skippy: It had a Michael Buble-bian vibe to it. I think it could on the radio today and I never want to hear it again.

Brooke: I guess I missed the beginning flub, but I thought she did alright.

Carly: Carly got the DAUGHTRY! lights and I think I liked her dress.

Cook: I thought he rocked it. I am so buying it from iTunes.

5:53 AM  
Blogger michele said...

From now on, can we call ALW, Sir Glamour Puss?

Please?

1:05 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I'm a bit worried. While I dialed Cook's line for an hour straight, not once did I run into a busy signal.

what have you done America!

shari

1:55 PM  
Blogger Gila said...

Dear Jason: When Sir Glamour Puss told you what the song Memory means in the context of the play, why did you not run far, far away and choose another song? FOOL.

I'm so thankful that Carly took ALW's advice and did NOT sing All I Ask of You. She rocked it out, and the dress was perfect!

2:15 PM  
Anonymous Coryglen said...

Brooke White, should've done a hoedown when she messed up. (Aslee Simpson reference)

I usually like versions of Jesus Christ Superstar but that sounded a bit nasally and mono-tonal on my tv. I guess you have to be there.

David A. is a pretty good natural performer, and I saw no reason that he should concentrate on keeping his eyes open, but whatever. He's not performing a play.

3:57 PM  
Anonymous Wendi said...

Oh! I was excited to see someone doing Jesus Christ Superstar -- I loved that soundtrack and listened to it constantly as a kid. (Yes, I am old. My parents saw the original stage version 3 times. LOL)

I was reading Carly's lips when she started singing it so I knew the song before the captioning kicked in.

I don't know if anyone else watches the show with captions on, but during the results show tonight, they captioned next week's mentor as.... Kneel Diamond.

Cracked me up!!

8:35 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

*whew* Cook was safe! Okay I can sleep well at night now. :)


shari

7:56 AM  
Blogger Martha said...

I thought Syesha and Carly were the two best performances of the night. What have you done America?

7:56 AM  
Blogger Eden said...

Someone does a song from my favorite musical, I feel so compelled to vote for her that I vote for the first time this season and -wham-.

I am no match for nine-year-old girls with auto redial.

8:47 AM  

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