Top 9: "Imma Cut A Bitch"

Pie I have refilled my champagne
I can tell you my thoughts about last week, or the last two weeks
which basically boil down to OMG David Cook Billie Jean OMG
also, Chickeze refers to him as "Cookie"
also, David Archuleta's dad possibly beats him and is a maniac
also, I love Carly, even though she sang "power keg" instead of "powder keg"
Weetabix: can we reconvene in 10? it will give your tivo time to catch up through some commercials
Pie: we sure can, I am just typing my thoughts
Weetabix: right! go ahead and type!
Pie: I enjoyed Jason Castro's "Michelle" because I love that song unconditionally. and I can't believe Ferocia tried "Alone." Carrie Underwood was a boring robot, but her "Alone" performance is one of my favorite Idol performances of all time, and nobody should go anywhere near it (except Carly). And also, there is no lip synching at the performance. Shmuel is correct. What you might be thinking of is that the clips at the end are taped from the dress rehearsals, because they don't have time to edit them into the end of the show.
that is all

Pie: there are some WHACK ASS OPENING CREDITS up in this bitch
I am paused on the whack-ass opening credits
whenever you are ready
Weetabix: ok, let me get there
Pie: there are like, giant eyes and shit
let me know if you see the giant eyes or if I am just drunk
Weetabix: are you after Ryan's Twilight Zone opening?
Pie I am on Executive Producers credits
the roo rooo and the glass bridge, which has now been replaced by whack-ass giant eyes
Weetabix: I so do not see eyes, but I am not drunk
Pie: Hmm
Weetabix: ok, I sort of see a lot of eyes, when viewed through a veil of alcohols
Pie: what is with these new credits? they are making me confused.
Weetabix: I don't get it either
I'm pretty sure the glass bridge was there last week
maybe the readers can figure it out

Pie: I am SO EXCITED ABOUT DOLLY PARTON NIGHT
why is she not a guest judge?
Weetabix: I am TOO!
Paula didn't even bother to show cleavage tonight. It's like she knows she just shouldn't bother.
EEEEEEEE!
DOLLY!
Pie: she is an genius. now they are going to explain that she is a genius.
Weetabix: she really is a genius
3000 songs!
Pie: will they mention Smoky Mountain Christmas? one can only hope.
Weetabix: Will they mention Best Little Whorehouse in Texas!
Pie: I sang 9 to 5 at karaoke once. I failed, but it was FANTASTIC.
Weetabix: I think I was there... was I there?
Pie: not the time I was thinking of. god, I love Dolly Parton.
Weetabix: aw, I LOVE Dolly!
Pie: sorry, I am just overwhelmed with love for her. best mentor ever.
although Barry Manilow pretty much ruled.
Pie: she's had some work done, that Dolly
Weetabix: yes, she does look like a bit of a plasticized version of Dolly

BROOKE WHITE
Pie: Jolene! my favorite song
Weetabix: she's going to do the White Stripe-esque version maybe?
Pie: I wish one of the guys had done it ala Jack White, and not changed the genders
too edgy for American Idol, though
Weetabix: it is, though I do love Jack White
Pie: that is my favorite cover song of all time
Weetabix: really? better than Happy Together?
Pie: well, that and Eva Cassidy's Fields of Gold
Brooke is no Jack White. Wait, is her last name White or am I just drunk and making that up?
Weetabix: Her last name is indeed White
Pie: Oh my god, she and Jack White are both named White!!!!
Weetabix: wow, conspiracy!
Pie: wait, that... is not so interesting.
she's doing a sideways mouth
and actually, this version is not that good
Weetabix: she's been doing that all along
haven't you noticed that?
Pie: she is being carried by the fact that this song rules
I've never noticed it before
Weetabix: it looks like she's had a mini stroke
Pie: she has weird faces that she makes
Weetabix: she does have some faces.
it is an awesome song. I'm definitely enjoying!
Pie: I did not think it was all that. only one White should be doing this song, and that's Jack!
Weetabix: Brooke is also wearing two inch long fake eyelashes in homage to Dolly
Pie: I agree with Randall that it was "alright"
dear god, Randall. does anyone know what it means when he says "it was alright"?
Weetabix: it really was "alright"
Paula is wearing a strange boob sprouted flower
Pie: Paula: "You are Brooke White." Brooke: "Thank you."
Weetabix: What the hell was that!
Pie: wow, worst compliment ever. "You are Weetabix."
Weetabix: "Your hair looks great Paula!" "So does your hair look great!"
Pie: I agree with Simon, that it wasn't that good, she didn't connect with it.

DAVID COOK
Pie: and it says LIVE here on the west coast
Weetabix: interesting
because it's lying
it isn't live!
Pie: I love him after last week--Billie Jean was so cool
hee. "I found the arrangements through Google."
Weetabix: oooh, he owned up to the arrangements
that was controversy!
Pie: he is doing HIS OWN ARRANGEMENT
Weetabix: interesting!
Pie: I don't know this song, "Little Sparrow"
Weetabix: me either
Pie: David Cook has hair with which I have issues.
Weetabix: it's all combover
you can see light through it in that shot
it's very thin on top, compensated with product
Pie: let us soak in David Cook
Weetabix: I like this song though
Pie: I find this enjoyable
Weetabix: I am really liking the white shirt, unbuttoned
he kind of looks like a bible salesman gone bad
Pie: hee. he does! that is perfect!
I am unfamiliar with this, but I think A) a David/David finale is very possible, even though it runs counter to my demographic theory, and B)... I forget, I'm drunk.
Weetabix: interesting!
I actually am still holding onto your demographic theory
Pie: I still wouldn't bet money on David/David; I think the demographics will continue
but I like David Cook. he could win. he could oust Archuleta.
Weetabix: I think Baby Xander might be getting edged out of the finale
Pie: we'll see how Archie does. Archie vs. Cookie!
Weetabix: you're calling him Archie?
let's see if that sticks
Pie: I just started right now.
Weetabix: I concur with Randall. It was quite hot.
Pie: "I like yer haircutttt"
Paula is so crazy
"I'm Paula and I'm a crazy drunky hillbilly"
Weetabix: what is up with the hair tonight? Like, has she seriously run out of things to say?
Pie: there's no way. she just has to string random words togehter.
Weetabix: I love Simon and his haughty Briticisms
because it was a song about sparrows and it was good. Way to slam on Dolly there, dude.

RAMIELE MALUBAY!
Weetabix: Dolly wants to put Ferocia in her pocket too!
Pie: they are both tiny people--they can live in the snowglobe together
Weetabix: they can
I HEART DOLLY SO MUCH
Pie: Ramiele has a cute little overall outfit
Weetabix: again with strange clothes for Ramiele
Pie: what song is this?
Weetabix: I don't know. one of the the 3000 Dolly songs?
Pie: well, also strange
Weetabix: I think they need to stop shopping at Libby Lu for Ramiele
Pie: I was going to call it a "lullaby" outfit. perhaps I have taken too much advantage of the time change to drink too many of the alcohols
Weetabix: clearly
Pie: Ramiele could be in trouble. nobody knows this song, and she's not being memorably bad or good.
Weetabix: Agreed, you can be in trouble with songs no one knows
I don't even know what a "lullaby outfit" is. Please explain, drunky pants?
Pie: I just forgot the word "overalls"
both words have L's in them.
Weetabix: right, so what is "lullaby overalls"?
Pie: no, I'm saying that instead of the word "overalls" I thought they were called "lullabys"
Pie: I think Ramiele is doing a way better country voice than I expected
Weetabix: agreed, that was a believable Dolly song
Pie: Paula is now making random punching motions
Ramiele is doing the annoying little pouty mouth
STOP POUTING, TINY PERSON.
Weetabix: Sometimes I make the little pouty mouth. Is it really annoying?
Or is it buffered by my fatness?
Pie: totally buffered. heh.
if you were standing next to Ryan Seacrest, it would be annoying.
Weetabix: phew
Pie: CARLY! I love her! although she's not next.

JASON COOK
Weetabix: so, Jason's dreads are lighter on the bottom
like they've been dipped in bleach
Pie: true
Weetabix: and also, looks like they would smell
Pie: and Dolly is performing tomorrow
Weetabix: woo!
how sweet that Jason has stalkers now
oh Dolly, nothing is as low maintenance as wigs
God, listen to her casually sing! It's DOLLY PARTON!
Pie: I love how Dolly is singing along with them. she can't resist!
bongos? I am not optimistic.
Weetabix: and her voice is amazing. Clearly, that's all legit.
how sad is it that today's musical stars just don't have the pipes. The good singers aren't considered necessarily marketable.
Pie: that's what American Idol is for
hahahahaha!!!!
Weetabix: I don't know. I'm not feeling this dawg.
Pie: no, me neither
perhaps it is the weird green background and lighting
Weetabix: oh drunky Pie:, you're so cute
Pie: I am drunky, I am sorry
Weetabix: he should be singing Rainbow Connection
which is not a Dolly Parton song
Pie: I think I have had an entire bottle of champagne
Weetabix: OH MY GOD, how awesome would a Muppets week be?
Pie: MUPPETS WEEK!
I would send a thousand dollars to the singer of "Manamana"
I have no patience with Randall tonight
"you worked it out"
THAT MEANS NOTHING
Weetabix: Simon agrees with me. Not that great.
Pie: "you worked it out" "it was 'aight" "you worked it out"
SAY SOMETHING WITH MEANING, RANDALL. USE YOUR WORDS.

CARLY SMITHSON
Weetabix: OOOOOOH!
This is one of my favorite songs!
Pie: also Carly is my favorite
Weetabix: look at how happy she is to sing for Dolly!
I'm excited for this
Pie: she is fantastic. I don't know this song. I love her.
Weetabix: how can you not know this song?
Ok, I had a Dolly Parton LP in 1981
Pie: oh wait, I do… is this on the 9 to 5 album?
Weetabix: I think so, maybe
Pie: maybe this arrangement is just unfamiliar
Weetabix: it's about the same time
Pie: that album and Julio Iglesias's album were the only two cassettes my parents owned
we would go on vacation and listen to them both over and over and over
Weetabix: she's got a strange tooth arrangement, that Carly Smithson
Pie: someone do Eagle When She Flies!
Weetabix: I owned this, KTel's Dimensions, and a Kenny Rogers Greatest Hits
Pie: 9 to 5!
Weetabix: And also, Xanadu and also, Grease
Pie: Islands in the Stream!
Weetabix: oooh, yes! I hope someone does that
Pie: Paula is... insane....
Weetabix: I agree with Paula and Randy, though, she was awesome
Pie: Paula thinks the contestants are, like, her beanie babies
(did that analogy make any sense?)
Weetabix: (yes)
Simon doesn't like her.... what are they... pantaloons? jodphurs?
Pie: Simon has PMS. he so far has liked nothing.
and Paula thinks everyone is a beanie baby
and Randall is spouting randomness
Weetabix: Simon's having his Manperiod
Pie: hahahahaha! Manperiod!
Weetabix: They just accidentally showed Randy from the side, and you could clearly see his breasts
I hadn't noticed their aversion to his profile before
maybe he shouldn't wear cable knits


DAVID ARCHULETA
Pie: stop beating him up, daddy Archuleta, you evil bastard
Weetabix: I do not know Smokey Mountain Memories
but I'm sure that he will do very well
aw, it reminds him of his mountain home in Utah!
he's going to make Dolly cry!
Pie: hee. Dolly tlaking about her false eyelashes. god I love her.
Weetabix: she's so authentic and adorable!
I WANT TO PUT HER IN MY POCKET!
Pie: I don't know this song either. SING EAGLE WHEN SHE FLIES.
Weetabix: So, maybe it's the argyle talking, but I think this is more approachable than his previous few performances
but it's vaguely religious with the "promised land" reference
Pie: he is good, this tiny little baby Xander
I just hate his father
Weetabix: he really is
why do you hate his father?
Pie: NICE JOB BABY XANDER
Weetabix: what is the scoop with that?
Pie: the rumor is that his father beats him
Weetabix: that's what Jake said too
Pie: and there is evidence to back it up
Weetabix: evidence?do we have linkage?
Pie: I am locating it
blind item is here: http://www.agcwebpages.com/BLINDITEMS/2008/MARAPRIL.html
Pie: here is the blind item: "Could it be that a certain "Idol" hopeful is getting beaten weekly? And I don't mean in the competition. I mean at home. Sources tell me that a parental figure is quite demanding, and when there's a bum note, a tuning problem, or even if he's perfect, the whooping begins. God help him when he gets voted off. Yes, it's a he (well, kinda)."
Archuleta history here:
here: http://www.nypost.com/seven/03312008/tv/pop_stars_pushy_pop_104393.htm


KRISTY LEE COOK
Weetabix: another song I don't know
Pie: this is totally in Kristy's wheelhouse
she's safe this week, I bet
Weetabix: yeah, she's in no danger this week
and last week, with God and America?
Pie: yeah. next week, she might very well be fucked.
Weetabix: If she takes this competition, I may have to hurl
Pie: there is no. effing. way.
Weetabix: that is the most 70's-ish fucking outfit ever
seriously, I think I saw that dress on Wilderness Family Robinson
Pie: oh my god Randy said "wheelhouse"!!! I JUST SAID WHEELHOUSE!!!!
Weetabix: he totally did!
That's super creepy!
Pie: totally creepy
Weetabix: wait, she's barefoot this week?
Pie: I enjoy Kristy's dress
Weetabix: she's trying to ride Brooke's schtick?
and Ryan noticed her pedicure
he's SUCH a foot fetishist
Pie: she's trying to ride Brooke's something
Weetabix: OOOH!
Pie: (we're starting a new blind item)


SYESHA
Pie: rrroo roooooo
things are happening
Weetabix: VANNA WHITE!
I love this song
I liked it before Whitney did it
Pie: so she is trying to do a melding of Dolly and Whitney
this will keep her safe, totally
Weetabix: that's very interesting
having done this in Karaoke Revolution, it's very difficult to do the runs
Pie: this is very pretty. a good arrangement, I think
Weetabix: yes, as Esteban would say, she's not bellowing too much
her voice is lovely
Pie: I know. so why is she so boring?
Weetabix: I don't know
Pie: this is very pretty
Weetabix: oooh, long note
not a good note, but a long one
Pie: I am calling her elimination next week
she's totally safe this week
Weetabix: she's overdue for me, I think
Pie: Randall "it was alright"--thank you for adding that to the discourse, Randall.
wait, the show is almost over
Weetabix: Michael Johns is yet to come
interesting that Michael Johns is in the Pimp spot!
Pie: IS NOBODY DOING EAGLE WHEN SHE FLIES?!?!?!
Pie: Imma cut a bitch.
Weetabix: maybe next week will ALSO be Dolly week?
you are so funny when you're drunky
and also? Edgy!
Pie: hee. I just say "fuck" more.
Weetabix: sorry, but "Imma cut a bitch"?
Pie: hahhaa
Weetabix: that might be my favorite thing ever
Pie: well when you say it, it's funny.
Weetabix: and likewise
off topic, this Reese's Whipped? quite delicious!
Pie: what is Reese's Whipped?
Weetabix: it's like a combination of a Reese's Peanut Butter Cup and a Three Musketeer
bar
Pie: interesting!
Weetabix: it's got 40% less fat and calories
but totally tastes like enough peanut buttery to deal with my craving for sweets
Weetabix: and also off topic? I used to hate the Mac vs. PC commercials until I got a Mac, now I'm all "Oh, that's rich! Silly PC!"


MICHAEL JOHNS
Pie: "gen-you-wine-ly"
I love you, Dolly
Weetabix: oooh, but Aussie's voice? not so much.
that note during rehearsal was not so good
but I do love Dolly
is this your song? or are you going to cut a bitch?
Pie: this is NOT my song, and bitches will be cut.
is he wearing... an... ascot? cravat? what does one call that?
that little tied scarf thing?
Weetabix: there does seem to be a scarf situation happening there
I think he's wearing a kerchief of some nature
Pie: that is unfortunate, unacceptable, and other words beginning with un.
Weetabix: unsexy!
UN-AUSSIE IN MY PANTS!
shit, my Tivo cut out what does Simon say?
Pie: Simon liked it. best performance of the season.
Paula said "you're a star, a rock star, a blue star."
what is a "blue star" you ask? NOBODY KNOWS.
Weetabix: at least it's not a brown star
Pie: HAHAHAHAHA! ANUS!
Weetabix: April Fools!

RECAP
Pie: so, I think Ramiele is fucked. your thoughts?
Weetabix: ok, who do we think is going?
I'm feeling it too
Pie: it could be a "shocker" of Carly or something
Weetabix: is it week of the shocker?
It seems too early
Pie: I do not think so
that is why my dollar is on Ramiele
Weetabix: I am thinking Ramiele, Syesha or maybe.... hmmm… Archuleta?
Pie: there is absolutely no way.
you are high if you think Archuleta is going anywhere.
Weetabix: ok, I'm ok with being wrong
I am not high, but I just would rather envision any scenario that doesn't entail Ramiele going home
Pie: sorry. you should vote!
the number is 1-8something-something.
Weetabix: number bluh bluh bluh
Pie: okay, well you should go to sleep
Weetabix: yes, I'm off to bed
Pie: I will try to upload this when I am less drunky. thanks for staying up!
Weetabix: no problem!
Jake showed me his feet.
it shocked me alert
Pie: yes, I am cimagine
Weetabix: you don't want to cimagine!
ok, I'm off to bed! good night!
Pie: WEETAPIDOL OUT!