Saturday, February 23, 2008

Top 24: "I Want To Put Her In A Snowglobe"

Weetabix and I tried a new experiment, which was to do our blog using instant message. It's four hours and ten million pages long, sprinkled with racially insensitive remarks and sexually explicit material, so… enjoy!

Pie: I am home!
Weetabix: hi, I'm just getting situated!
Pie: okay, this will be a fancy experiment. I will navigate to the first performance, past all of the Ryan Seacrest filler and banter. Paula just said "infect" instead of "affect"
Weetabix: of course she did
Pie: this is the harbinger of a great season
Weetabix: this is an auspicious beginning! Jinx!
Pie: now there is a montage set to DAUGHTRY!
Weetabix: DAUGHTRY! Chris Lights! Wallet Chain!
Pie: now there is a montage of the boys singing
Weetabix: I miss the Wallet Chain
Pie: who the hell are these people?
Weetabix: I'm still cruising youtube
Pie: search for "leering at camera in creepy way." Here come the girls in fabulous boots, singing like the Brady Bunch. You need to find this, it's weird
Weetabix: are they cha cha cha changing?
Pie: it's not actual Brady Bunch, just spiritually, metaphorically speaking, it's a sunshine day
Weetabix: sometimes it is indeed a sunshine day, though.
Pie: the "rock and roll nurse" looks uncomfortable, which is good because I dislike her
Weetabix: there's a rock and roll nurse? Does she steal her patients' meds?
Pie: yes--there's a rock and roll nurse and an awesome girl named Carly, and a cute kid named David or something. And that's the extent of my knowledge. They are bobbing up and down
Weetabix: I was about to get really perplexed by the season. I see that there's a guy called David Cook and I thought it was Dane Cook
Pie: now there is some kind of Grease-esque thing, it's a duet that's just like the crappy Grease reality show! Rock and roll nurse continues to look uncomfortable and there's a mullet! And by the way, if Dane Cook were on this show I'd have to quit
Weetabix: Ok, so confession?
Pie: oh god. Please do not tell me you enjoy Dane Cook
Weetabix: I totally would do Dane Cook
Pie: Nooooooooooooooooo!
Weetabix: I think I never really got over my fraternity boy fetish. I know, I have shame.
Pie: go for Ryan Reynolds. He's basically the same thing, and not a total tool
Weetabix: but the sex
Pie: oh god
Weetabix: I also enjoy Ryan Reynolds
Pie: it's like I don't even know you
Weetabix: again, shame. I'm sorry
Weetabix: Clay Aiken
Pie: shut up
Weetabix: I wish you could hear me laughing at you right now
Pie: (disclaimer: I did go see Clay Aiken in Spamalot) (from the second row) (mere weeks ago)
Weetabix: (and if he weren't totally gay, they would have had to fight you off his jock with a stick)
Pie: oh shit, I'm watching the results show! I'm watching the wrong show!
Weetabix: whoops! Is mercury in retrograde or something?
Pie: no wonder there was a montage
Weetabix: so many technical difficulties this week!
Pie: I was like "a montage? on a performance night? that's so weird."
Weetabix: that is indeed weird
Pie: well we weren't going to blog the results show so that was like a little bonus
Weetabix: right
Pie: a puzzling little bonus
Weetabix: by the way, I'm drinking a very bizarre wine right now. It was so weird, I had to buy it.
Pie: is yours fizzy?
Weetabix: yes, fizzy it is! Why do I talk like Yoda in chat?
Pie: know I do not! hahahhaa! amuse myself, I do
Pie: a comma in that construction, should there be?
Weetabix: I have a bad feeling about this

Dave Hernandez
Pie: okay, this is Dave Hernandez
Weetabix: 24 years old from Glendale Arizona. he's very blurbley
Pie: he has a nice voice but he seems a little... affected?
Weetabix: I'm getting inappropriate flashes of sexual intuition
Pie: it's never too early for sexual intuition
Weetabix: he can't come. it takes like, forever and the partner is like "Um, do you mind if I turn on CSI?"
Pie: au contraire. he appears to be coming right now
Weetabix: ha!
Pie: also his shirt looks like a burnt marshmallow
Weetabix: I did not enjoy this performance
Pie: and he's done
Weetabix: HA! Randy just said "he can definitely blow"
Pie: yeeeeah
Weetabix: his shirt is strange and puzzling and also, Paula's hair is floopy
Pie: Paula looks drugged with feathered hair
Pie: "floopy" and "blurbley." it's a whole new vocabulary this season
Weetabix: I think Simon's neck gets bigger every yea
Pie: yes, it's like, taller
Weetabix: maybe his head is just smaller?
Pie: he got a shrink ray?
Weetabix: also, did Ryan get taller?
Pie: no, Ryan is still wee
Weetabix: did he do a little growing and showing over the hiatus?
Pie: maybe he just gets bigger next to the guy that "can definitely blow"
Weetabix: then burnt marshmallow man is likewise wee. really, that shirt is tragic. maybe he's just standing up straighter?
Pie: also he's doing the vote begging that you hate
Weetabix: yes, I do loathe the vote begging. in my head, Ryan just tweaked his nipple
Pie: the show in your head is awesome

Pie: okay, now there's another guy
Weetabix: it's a much better show, I agree. which guy?
Pie: Chikezie... that seems to be his entire name. there's a Scrabulous joke in here somewhere
Weetabix: I love you more today than yesterday
Pie: I kind of love his orange suit
Weetabix: what's up with this stage? Dunkleman! resurrected!
Pie: woo!
Weetabix: on Chikezie! I don't know how I feel about the orange suit
Pie: I enjoy it and I also enjoy the arrangement of this song
Weetabix: but I enjoy the audience member seemingly having a personal moment during the song
Pie: yes, his... mother? I hope.
Weetabix: one would hope. I would like to know the story behind one name Chikezie. maybe his name was Chick and last name, Easy
Pie: Randy has a huge thumb. this is a weird thing to notice this late in the game
Weetabix: and he just kind of Electric Company smushed it together
Pie: "a'ight"
Weetabix: you know, where there are like two heads, saying parts of words?
Pie: yes! he was named by the Electric Company heads
Weetabix: I will make a link to that video so that people get it. holy shit, Paula is lubed! Jacuzzi! ha! apparently Chikezie lost weight
Pie: Ian says the Chocolate Rain guy is in the audience
Weetabix: Chocolate Rain???
Pie: I will put a link to the video
Weetabix: I am not in with the kids these days I agree with Simon. I wasn't all that impressed
Pie: I was enjoying the suit but I bet he's toast. two guys are leaving, the competition is fierce!
Weetabix: Chikezie's last name really is Eze

David Cook
Pie: he is singing "I'll Be", and Ian is enjoying him. he said "woah! oh baby!" not in a gay way. oh my god he is singing HAPPY TOGETHER I LOVE THIS SONG MUST HAVE MP3
Weetabix: ok, I'm on Ryan Raps, red couch
Pie: he is making faces that are weird, lose the mullet, Dane Cook
I love this arrangement
Weetabix: I do no like Dane Cook's hair. I wouldn't call it a full mullet, it's just, not right, like a tragic combover
Pie: this is an excellent performance as far as I'm concerened. I will avert my eyes from the tragic combover and the fact that he's named Dane Cook, sort of
Weetabix: he's got shit in his pocket
Pie: this is fantastic
Weetabix: oh, sideview, it is a mullet
Pie: I love this more than anything. Ian says "he nailed it"
Weetabix: seriously, though, the shit in the pocket. It's like the Idols are all waiting by off ramps, ready to clean your windshield. it was meh, sorry, I know that you love that song
Pie: it was not meh. and Randy and Paula agree with me
Weetabix: already, we have Jordin Sparks' earrings
Pie: I don't understand the windsheild reference
Weetabix: she's so hammered!
Pie: but yes, we have an earring situation (backlink needed)
Weetabix: you know, those guys who are like "Clean your windshield, miss?"
Pie: yes but what does that have to do with shit in the... ooooh, like a rag
Weetabix: exactly! already in the Weetapidoling season, I need to footnote my jokes

Jason Yeager
Pie: I have a commercial and then someone named Chason Yager
or something
Weetabix: after the vote pandering. Jason Castro? Jason Yeager
Pie: yes, Jason!
Weetabix: go!
Pie: it is going! he has a kid. his kid is excited
Weetabix: is the kid's name Chasen?
Pie: wearing a "my dad" shirt
Weetabix: aw
Pie: well he could write in "sucks" after that
Weetabix: way to pull the mommy daddy vote, Chasen
Pie: ok he is sitting on the stage, Chasen is sitting
Weetabix: I sense hostility toward the breeders
Pie: I paused
Weetabix: go!
Pie: I went!: Moon River
Weetabix: why the weird lights this performance?
Pie: this reminds me of Sex and the City
Weetabix: also his hairline, I'm transfixed
Pie: also, why do they all make SUCH WEIRD FACES? is weird hair in? like insane retro hair?
Weetabix: apparently 2008 is weird hair's year. did you see the Sex and the City trailer?
Pie: yes I did
Weetabix: I have this feeling that Big dies
Pie: wow, way to bring the room down
Weetabix: sorry. I feel like the trailer is telegraphing that
Pie: he has very white teeth, this Chasen person
Weetabix: that he does, and there's little Chasen!
Pie: he looks like a 40s singer
Weetabix: with also weird hair
Pie: it's like Frankie Avalon. who was in the...not 40s. someone help me out
Weetabix: why does Randy Jackson wear so much jewelry? again, his watch is enormous
Pie: it's his inner Mr. T or.. wait, .I just saw the bracelets. his inner Hannah Montana. Paula is making drugged statements
Weetabix: aw, he dedicated it to his Grandma!
Pie: he is pasty and weird. you like him?
Weetabix: not really feeling it right now. I agree with Simon, sadly
Pie: me neither. okay, good.
Weetabix: ooooh, "a dependable old dog"? Harsh!
Pie: he might be out
Weetabix: I agree
Pie: okay one second
Weetabix: not really feeling it, dawg

Robbie Carrico
Pie: some guy with bandana. he said he would put his soul on the stage
Weetabix: I'm not feeling this whole Axl Rose thing
Pie: that bandana? sucks
Weetabix: I like his voice though
Pie: he has a wallet chain
Weetabix: yes. I don't know that a wallet chain can save him
Pie: Ian says he needs a makeover
Ian: "this is not Survivor"
Weetabix: he looks like he would smell. like his clothes would smell. I could totally see him playing Roger on Rent
Pie: that was Constantine!
Weetabix: no, Constantine was a penis.
Pie: hee! he reminds me of a guy who should shave
Weetabix: h!
Weetabix: there was supposed to be an A in that HA
Pie: when we format it I will change it
Pie: so you are responding to my joke with HAHAHAHAHAHAHAA!!
Weetabix: Robbie looks like he's about 40
Pie: I literally keep forgetting that Taylor Hicks is not 50
Weetabix: seriously, look at Randy's watch!
Weetabix: wow, Simon liked it!
Pie: I did not like it
Weetabix: I didn't hate it. I have liked this the best so far, except for the bandana, which was tragic, and the flagrant use of the word "authentic"
Pie: he wants to be Bo Bice and he is failing

David Archulet
Pie: he is the Zac Efron of this season
Weetabix: sorry, this kid is a DORK
Pie: he's a dork, yes. may I remind you of Kevin Covais? Clay Aiken?
Weetabix: yes and yes. Clay had more of a presence, though
Pie:this kid is totally in the top 10 though, without even thinking about it
Weetabix: weird hallucinogenic lights!
Pie: I am so not the audience for this kid
Weetabix: they are hypnotizing the audience! If this kid gets top 10, that will be tragic. there has to be better talent than this. Dane Cook was way better than this
Pie: he looks like Xander! oh my god he looks like baby Xander!
Weetabix: oh my god. he does
Pie: I think he's not bad. I am just not the target audience for baby Xander. I think he's definitely good
Weetabix: he doesn't have pubic hair yet. he's not terrible, he's just not that inspiring, but meh, when have I ever approved of everyone in the top 10? Bucky Covais, much?
Pie: I would put him #2 behind Dane Cook. oh god, Bucky Covais.
Weetabix: really? I liked Not!Bice.
Pie: Paula just called him an "older soul"
Weetabix: oh, he's an older soul!
Pie: see, the judges like Baby Xander
Weetabix: Simon liked him too! what the fuck do I know?
Pie: I think they want him to win
Weetabix: hyuck hyuck hyuck
Pie: like he might be the chosen one this season
Weetabix: it does seem that way
Pie: they don't have a cute young guy, they have Ruben, and 8 million year old Taylor. that's it
Weetabix: hmmm, so quickly the grassy knoll appears. that's true, the demographics theory
Pie: I am on the grassy knoll for Baby Xander, it is cute how he's hyperventilating though. I don't think it's a put on
Weetabix: aw, he's cute
Pie: Ryan is kind of being creepy with him. Ryan, stop being creepy.

Danny Noriega
Weetabix: he's cute in the dorky kind of way
Pie: more unfortunate hair! seriously, unfortunate hair must be in this year
Weetabix: he's better than, um, the last guy
Pie: flat ironed mullet? Baby Xander
Weetabix: ok, the guy before baby Xander
Pie: he's kind of got a Keanu vibe
Weetabix: yes, I can see that
Weetabix: his mother is Stifler's Mom
Pie: hee. love his tie
Weetabix: I think he might be a little too femme for AI
Pie: very confident
Weetabix: sadly
Pie: and yes, a little femme
Weetabix: that's a demographic that's under represented
Pie: Ian likes him too. this guy is g to the a to the y
Weetabix: hell yes he is. Esteban is very confused why we're not doing this on the phone
Pie: this saves one of us half the typing!
Weetabix: I love the pouty mouth he's making at Paula
Pie: this is genius! Paula is talking about beautiful colors
Pie: oh, I missed Paula and her druggedyness
Weetabix: what color was it? A motherfucking rainbow!
Pie: Simon is a homophobe! "grotesque"?
Weetabix: he's afraid of the truth. His true love for Ryan.
Pie: Paula is stuttering and making no sense. "people have seen your vocals"
Weetabix: this might be the season that she has a meltdown. we can only hope
Pie: the judges are having a weird meltdown
Weetabix: although really, I do enjoy Paula's loonery
Pie: Danny is going to be through, I bet. people will jump to his defense
Weetabix: I love it when teenagers say "Wuuuulll" instead of "well"
Pie: I do not love it. he is losing me
Weetabix: I think you stop doing that when you hit 20
Pie: the "wull" is like my insolent studnets. "wull, I didn't understand that I had to do my homework"
Weetabix: I was being sarcastic. the "wuhl" makes me only less insane than "ain't"
Pie: g to the a to the y and p to the o'd. maybe his off-putting personality means he's out. he should have been more gracious instead of snotty

Luke Menard
Pie: now someone named Lou Malnati. didn't he play Cyndi Lauper's father in a video?
Weetabix: Luke Menard?
Pie: okay I am paused at the beginning of Luke Menard's performance
Weetabix: ok, hold on, getting there
Pie: Luke, I am your father! that might be so unfunny that it verges on funny. here's hoping
Weetabix: he looks like he's playing a single father on the new mid-season series on the
Pie: he's got a Patrick Dempsey thing happening. split screen! he just hit an off note
Weetabix: yeah, I can see the Patrick Dempsey. his voice did something unfortunate there
Pie: and he might be wearing a homeless man's jacket.
Weetabix: that would be a key to success, given the rag in pocket phenomenon
Pie: his voice is... not good. he's out
Weetabix: no, I'm not impressed. but he is a very beautiful man. like, he could be a model for Eddie Bauer
Een: "'pitchy'--that means he can't sing."
Weetabix: Paula's couching her critique because she wants to fuck him.
Pie: Paula is really inarticulate
Weetabix: aw, he sang Grace Kelly for his audition? I love Mika
Pie: how many people have sangded yet?
Weetabix: I don't know, a million?
Pie: hee
Pie: we still have a million to go!

Colton Barry
Pie: he looks like someone. he has cool hair, Christian-from-Project-Runway hair
Weetabix: it's Elvis you fuckers! Ellen Degeneres or Rupert Grimt
Pie: Rupert Grint! I think that's it. he said himself he looks like Ellen Degeneres. I saw that earlier
Weetabix: nuh uh
Pie: nice song choice
Weetabix: it is! but I fear for Rupert!
Pie: they misspelled "Rupert". my screen says "Colton" that is a crazy typo
Weetabix: I don't like his jeans, though
Pie: they are very blue
Weetabix: they are strangely feminine. also, the foil effect in the background is bizarre
Pie: that is crazy. these guys are so confident. it's weird. they all look so comfortable
Weetabix: they do, there's no Sanjaya in this bunch, it seems
Pie: I know I've been drinking wine, but...
the foil is crazy
Weetabix: I've been having a tough time getting through this Ballatore shit
Pie: Ballatore? oh, the wine? switch to something else! life is short!
Weetabix: I'm almost through the bottle, last glass
Pie: hee
Weetabix: I want some chocolate now though
Pie: I was feeling bad for drinking a whole bottle by myself. I had a handful of chocolate chips for dessert!
Weetabix: no, you're drinking with me!
Pie: I keep chocolate chips in my freezer for emergency purposes
Weetabix: when we used to 'pidol, we'd do three bottles
Pie: that is true
Weetabix: this guy does a weird turkey neck bob instead of nodding
Pie: now he looks like he's taking in Simon's criticism
Weetabix: yes, he does
Pie: not like that snotty Keanu Reeves flat iron kid
Weetabix: that is true
I fear for Rupert
Pie: go Rupert!
Weetabix: Simon just winked at Ryan!!
Pie: naughty!

Garret Haley
Weetabix: ok, who is next?
Pie: Garret Haley, and oh jesus, the unfortunate hair trend continues
Weetabix: he looks like John Bonham or something. he should be in Winger
Weetabix: Leif Garrett!
Pie: no shit. yuck to his audition
Weetabix: "I've never sang in front of so many people before" bluck
Pie: I will pause at the beginning of his performance."bluck"? I enjoy that fake word. I will add it to the list
Weetabix: ok!
Pie: is he wearing...a....vest?
Weetabix: who sang this song originally?
Pie: a....vest?
Weetabix: yes, that is a vest. we have vest
Pie: and he has an unfortunate fake mustache. Neil Sedaka! this is my karaoke song!
Weetabix: he makes me feel stabby
Pie: my one true karaoke song!
Weetabix: oh it is!
Pie: cut off your hair and SHAVE THAT SHIT OFF YOUR FACE! me + this kid + a razor. ten minutes. this is gross
Weetabix: seriously, it's like this weird Tiger Beat vibe from 1978
Pie: the hair, the vest, the tiger beat thing.....
Weetabix: I don't want 80's hair band hair to be back in style. I need someone to hold me
Pie: the sad little mustache is pushing me over the edge
Weetabix: god, he needs to go
Pie: this is atrocious
Weetabix: Garret Leif must go!
Pie: uuuururrrrghghhhhh. so bad. vote. him. off. please, America from two days ago, vote him off.
Weetabix: let's hope America from two days ago is smart and knows what is good for it (us) I hate him
Pie: does he look like... a magician? a creepy mustachioed magician?
Weetabix: HA! he does! Doug Henning
Pie: that... is it! Doug Henning! no! he looks like a hobbit!
Weetabix: oh, I can see that
Pie: the one played by Billy Boyd
Weetabix: someone should check his feet

Jason Castro
Pie: Jason Castro is next
Pie: I hope there'sa "Castro" joke somewhere
Weetabix: we probably aren't that lucky
Pie: I hope he's gayer than g to the a to the y
Weetabix: Jason Castro? IS HOT
Weetabix: but just made a douchy face
Pie: is he the dreadlocks guy?
Weetabix: si
Pie: you're going with "hot"?
Weetabix: his face is hot
Pie: I'm going with "shave your head"
he has a guitar
Weetabix: ok, see, it's the frat boy thing again
Pie: I am pausing on the guitar
Weetabix: I have a strange attraction to douche bags
Weetabix: wait, is he really playing guitar?
Pie: I don't know this song
Weetabix: oh come on
Weetabix: you have to
Pie: he looks like one of my poetry students
Weetabix: I hate his hair like that, pulled back
Weetabix: I redact the hot
Pie: eeeeugh
he would have been worse had he not come right after Billy Boyd/Doug Henning
Pie: he is hitting some horrible notes
Weetabix: yes, that's true
Weetabix: I'm not impressed with Mr. Castro
Pie: me neither
ixnay on the astrocay
Weetabix: the shirt is bad
Pie: the voice is bad
Weetabix: he's got to go
Pie: so far there's like a few who need to go
Weetabix: based on that performance, gone
Pie: what about Jacuzzi?
Weetabix: yes there are
Pie: I am predicting Jacuzzi and Doug Henning to go
Weetabix: Jacuzzi would have seemed better if he had gone later
Pie: actually demographically was Jacuzzi our only black competitor thus far?
if so, I redact
Weetabix: I predict Doug Henning and.... one of the guys I don't remember
Pie: skunk stripe guy
Doug Henning and the skunk stripe guy
Weetabix: see, I no longer remember skunk stripe guy
Weetabix: and also, I disagree with Simon, he does not have charisma

Michael Johns
Pie: next up is some hot guy
Pie: the last guy
Pie: Michael Johns
Pie: two first names guy
Pie: and he is hot
Pie: and has an Australian accent
Pie: um
Pie: hello
Pie: hello, two-first-names
Weetabix: he's got nice arms
Weetabix: montage
Pie: he's got nice everything
Pie: he's got a nice montage
Weetabix: who does he look like?
Pie: I can't figure it out
Pie: he does look like somebody
Pie: Bill Paxton?
Weetabix: oh, I can see that
Weetabix: I also think he looks a bit like a young Jack Nicholson
Weetabix: already he's in
Weetabix: he's golden
Pie: he is singing the Doors!!!!!
Pie: squeeee!
Weetabix: OOOOOOOOH!
Weetabix: Sorry, I think I just got pregnant
Pie: I like the "fire" in the background
Pie: also, I think I just had an orgasm
Weetabix: I did. Kegel!
Pie: he is lighting my fucking fire
Pie: I can tell you that right now
Weetabix: sorry, but this is fucking HOT
Pie: MP3 must have RIGHT NOW!
Weetabix: he's this season's Ace
Pie: no, because he can actually sing
Weetabix: singing, not that great
Pie: no?
Weetabix: there are some bad notes
Pie: am I blinded by the orgasms I am now having?
Weetabix: you can't hear them because his penis gets in the way
Pie: his scarf is also hot
Weetabix: I don't even care about the bad notes
Weetabix: his everything is hot
Pie: the jaunty way it's tied is worth three extra orgasms
Weetabix: I give that performance a dozen orgasms
Weetabix: seriously, hot
Pie: twelve orgasms up!
Weetabix: oh, Randy compared him to Michael Hutchence!
Weetabix: a guy who died in the quest of a good orgasm
Pie: ha!
Pie: too soon?
Weetabix: he's seriously hot
Weetabix: I think I need to find Bohemian Rhapsody on youtube too
Pie: I think I can find it in my pants
Pie: (I don't even know what that means)
Weetabix: HA!
Weetabix: Ok, I have a shoe in for my Weetapidol Pool
Pie: is it shoo-in?
Pie: or are you doing the hokey pokey?
Weetabix: shoo in?
Weetabix: shoe in?
Pie: he can pokey my hokey anytime
Weetabix: I am drunked
Weetabix: ok, that was good for me
Pie: okay, this one is over!
Weetabix: let's take a pee break and reconvene for the girl on girl action?


Weetabix: ok, and we're back
Pie: ok!
Weetabix: and Esteban wants me to tell you that I can't always use his laptop because at some point he may need to work
Pie: okay well it won't always be five million hours
Pie: also, buy a laptop. heh.
Weetabix: ok, go!

Kristy Lee Cook
Weetabix: she trains horses! and she sold her horse!
Pie: she's got a Britney vibe. I like the guitar player. okay no Britney vibe when she starts singing
Weetabix: I don't like it when they keep the beat with their hand on the mic
Pie: I don't like when they are generic thin blondes
Weetabix: yeah, not so much
Pie: this is my "issue" she's not so bad
Weetabix: agreed
Pie: just generic
Weetabix: we had that already, with Haley Scarnato and a million other generic thin blondes
Pie: Haley was a brunette, I think
Weetabix: in the beginning, she was
Pie: also this Kristy person sings better than her
Weetabix: but she got more and more blonde as the season progressed
Pie: Kristyawn (there is no way to pronounce that. I will work on it.)
Weetabix: I dislike Kristy. whatever. I refuse to pander to stupid names
Pie: \/\/ that is emoticon for \/\/hatever
Weetabix: ah, I had no idea I was mystified. "don't ever let that get in the way of your shine!"
Pie: "don't ever let that get in the way of your shine"
Pie: hee
Weetabix: jesus, we're creepy
Pie: oooOOoooo
Weetabix: rrrooo roooo
Pie: rroooo rooooooo!!!!!!

Joanna Borgella
Weetabix: ok, Joanna something
Weetabix: pseudo Mandisa
Pie: Joanna, our plus-size girl
Weetabix: yes!
Weetabix: Borgella!
Pie: go Joanna!
Weetabix: we have plus size bias
Pie: yes we do
Pie: well we'll see how the singing goes
Pie: love this song!
Weetabix: ME TOO!
Pie: so Rupert Everett!
Weetabix: this is probably the song I would pick for 60's week
Weetabix: if I were on AI
Pie: cute top
Weetabix: although, I don't know, maybe Son of a Preacher Man
Weetabix: nice use of belt
Pie: I would enjoy copying this outfit and failing
Weetabix: what would Yoda say?
Pie: a little prayer, I say?
Weetabix: ha!
Pie: I liked it!
Weetabix: I liked it too!
Pie: better than Generic McBlondieson
Weetabix: so much better than Equestrian Barbie
Pie: hee!
Weetabix: creeepy
Pie: sorry, Equestrian Barbie!
Pie: we have plus-size bias!
Weetabix: however, to show that I am not entirely biased, I will say that I'm disappointed by her lack of lip color. she needs a brighter lip gloss
Pie: I enjoy her lip color and her hair. fantastic hair
Weetabix: I think she needs oomph for her lips. she's got incredible lips, but they need just a tzugh of color
Pie: I think the nude lips emphasize her eyes. tzugh!
Weetabix: LOVE the hair
Pie: that is a new made up word! it is going to be a long list
Weetabix: yeah, well, I'm a drag queen in disguise, so I would totally have amped up the lips
Weetabix: no, that was on Queer Eye, I just don't know how to spell it
Pie: oh, like "zhuuzh"
Weetabix: yes
Pie: I don't know how to spell it either

Alaina Whitaker
Weetabix: Ryan said they are "chilling in the red room". I want to smack him sometimes. are you ready for another Barbie?
Pie: Barbie is talking, showing her shoes
Weetabix: ok, I'm almost there
Pie: we do not need another Carrie Underwood. she looks like Schuyler Fisk though
Weetabix: I don't know who that is
Pie: Sissy Spacek's daughter. she starred in the Babysitters Club movie
Weetabix: is she a singer?
Pie: no. I think she should dye her hair red
Weetabix: agreed
Pie: so far the boys are pwning
Weetabix: indeed
Pie: the girls are... not. great song though
Weetabix: she's got a gigantic yawp of a mouth
Pie: she sounds her gigantic yawp over the televisions of the world
Weetabix: like, she could unhinge her jaw and swallow Simon's tiny head.
that was a little treat for all the English majors out in Weetapidol land
Pie: or people who have seen Dead Poets Society repeatedly
Weetabix: oh yes, every time I see reruns of that, I wonder what Dr. Wilson is doing in school. I did not care for that performance, or rather, it was yawny. and I can't believe that Simon liked it
Pie: I enjoy her Schuyler Fisk qualities
Schuyler Fisk is quirky looking
Weetabix: Ryan is also wearing a vest. stupid finger vote pandering

Amanda Overmyer
Pie: This is rock and roll nurse
Weetabix: ah!
Weetabix: I like her pants
Pie: who looked nervous in the montage
Weetabix: she sings like a man. she's kind of awesome. she's a little too unique for this competition, quite honestly. She's too good.
Pie: this is a terrible song choice. I think her voice is weird
Weetabix: it is
Pie: I thought it was weird in the auditions
Weetabix: I enjoy her performance
Pie: I think it's weird now
Weetabix: but I think America won't like it
Pie: I enjoy her tank top and breasts
Weetabix: absolutely. great breasts
Pie: maybe America will like those!
Weetabix: I am pro Rocker Nurse!
Pie: I find her vaguely... unsettling. I want her to sing something totally out of "character", out of her comfort zone like a ballad
Weetabix: are you afraid she'll beat you up?
Pie: maybe a little bit
Weetabix: I'll bet she'd rock it
Weetabix: I always like the unconventional types though
Pie: her name should not be Amanda
Pie: it should be something like Blade
Pie: or Blaze
Weetabix: Blaize!
Weetabix: JINX!
Pie: or Nurse Ratched

Amy Davis

Pie: Amy--ugh bad note
Weetabix: oh her voice is awful
Pie: bad hair. weird ass accent
Weetabix: oh
Pie: terrible
Weetabix: jesus it's bad
Pie: oh jaysus
Weetabix: bad bad bad. some girl with actual talent is sitting at home pissed off after seeing this and what a bad song choice
Pie: it's wretched
Weetabix: oh god the final notes. talk about bad karaoke
Pie: that was Patsy Cline? oh god
Weetabix: no. Connie Francis or something like that. it WAS Connie Francis
Pie: that was painful
Weetabix: it was
Pie: I hope America has kicked her e. million off

Brooke White
Weetabix: ok, the nanny? with crazy hair
Pie: oh yes, blondie! she is cute
Weetabix: blondie's got the crazy eyes
Weetabix: and also, looks like Mia Farrow when she cries
Pie: yay this song! I love this song some more! again!
Weetabix: wow, didn't Dane Cook just sing this?
Pie: is it just me or is she the first girl who is really good?
Weetabix: I like it though!
Pie: yes, Dane Cook sang it and now Mia Farrow is singing it
Weetabix: no, it's not just you
Pie: but she's good!
Weetabix: she's got a great voice and appropriate lip gloss. I'm not sure about that top though
Pie: I love her hair
Weetabix: it's a little blousy
Pie: I always wanted curls just like that but somehow I do not resent her for that
Weetabix: me too. I think perms are coming back, actually. I'll bet it's natural though. I went to school with a perfect blonde who had naturally corkscrew curls and she'd flat iron them out on special days which I could never understand. I love her
Weetabix: how can they say that the front part of the song wasn't good? she was so much better than the other blondes!
Pie: she was! go Corkscrew Barbie! "washing-up liquid" might be my favorite phrase ever uttered on this show
Weetabix: yes, it was so very British. oh Ryan, trying to make it dirty. Daddy will spank you for that later

Alexandrea Lushington
Pie: speaking of Bo Bice, he sang this. he did not have cool little hair dots. I love that her last name is Lushington
Weetabix: oh, yes, that's the best last name ever
Pie: she's good
Weetabix: I do like this. she's "making this her own" as they say
Pie: cute little retro outfit too
Weetabix: also, suspenders!
Pie: go Lushington! yes, the suspenders are awesome
Weetabix: that would be a good name for a bar
Pie: clap!
Weetabix: "Lushingtons"
Pie: I enjoyed her
Weetabix: I'm drunked! clap clap clap! I enjoyed her too! she blew her doors off of that, apparently
Pie: speaking of doors, remember Michael Johns?
Weetabix: yes. are we having afterglow now?
Pie: I am, anyway
Weetabix: I could go for that again, actually
Pie: we may need to rewind later
Weetabix: maybe they'll bring him out again
Pie: I hope so
Weetabix: indeed
Pie: "and now, in the middle of the top 12 girls...let us bring back the thunder from down under"
Weetabix: heeee!
Pie: he's the thunder in my down under, that's for sure
Weetabix: Can Ian do a convincing Australian accent?
Pie: he says no. he could do a bad fake one. I'm drunk, that might be good enough. "fuck me, Crocodile Dundee!"
Weetabix: "throw another shrimp IN MY PANTS"

Kady Malloy
Weetabix: paused at Ryan Raps, red couch
Pie: I've got Ryan Rape! er, Rape. Raps! jesus!
Weetabix: what channel are YOU WATCHING!?!?
Pie: hahahahaha
Weetabix: stop thinking about the Aussie, mate. another blonde sheila
Pie: how are we supposed to tell this blondie apart from the other two blondies?
Weetabix: we aren't, we only are supposed to notice Curly Barbie with the talent
Pie: okay that is a creepy Britney impression
Weetabix: it is. I find impressions in general to be creepy. sometimes I do them and startle myself
Pie: Groovy Kind of Love?
Weetabix: I enjoyed the resurgence of this song in 1989, by Phil Collins
Pie: are we really singing Groovy Kind of Love?
Weetabix: it reminds me of senior year in high school. it's just a bad version though, it's unfornate
Weetabix: I mean, the 60's were an awesome decade
Pie: "unfornate"? add it to the list! someone needs to post the list in the comments
Weetabix: the notes, they make my head hurt here
Pie: words made up by Weetabixd
Weetabix: go back to doing Britney!
Pie: yeah that was bland
Weetabix: what, is that past tense Weetabix?
Pie: Weetabixed, Weetabi, Weetabamus (I am conjugating)
Weetabix: weetabii
Pie: (a little treat for the Latin majors) she is boring
Weetabix: she should color her hair. something crazy! purple!
Pie: Paula broke out the "you look really pretty"
Pie: kiss of death
Weetabix: yes it really is a kiss of death
Pie: yeah, Corkscrew Barbie can stay--the rest of them have to cut their hair. did Simon just call her "a pencil"? I love that.
Weetabix: but when Simon says it? It means his little red coat is standing at attention
Pie: yeah, "Groovy Kind of Love" is a really serious song. sure, blondie. Groovy Kind of Love, and such as.
Weetabix: I like that they're basically saying "have a personality" and she's like "um, it's hard"
Pie: heh, there are at least three people who should go home on the girls side. the Pencil, the chick with the stupid hair, and... I forget.

Asia'h Epperson
Weetabix: Asia?
Pie: yes! she is singing
Weetabix: her dad died
Pie: she's good! she's got sparkles
Weetabix: she's definitely good!
Pie: good song, too
Weetabix: and again, the Idolettes still have bra issues
Pie: Asia'h. I often regret that there is no apostrophe in my name
Weetabix: put one in there!
Pie: Mo'nique has an apostrophe
Weetabix: put two! Mo'ni'que
Pie: I can one-up her! M;o'nique
Weetabix: you could even shove a third one on the end
Pie: oops, I threw in a semicolon. it is my drunkenness
Weetabix: I like the semi colon. start a trend!
Pie: Mo'ni'qu'e'
Weetabix: the apostrophe is passe! names should have other punctuation options
Weetabix: this is like the sanctity of marriage act! Who says the only name bling is an apostrophe! You get to choose!
Pie: "name bling"?
Weetabix: I am clearly off the deep end
Pie: I love... everything

Ramiele Malubay
Pie: I am at pancake syrup pouring
Weetabix: I love her already
Weetabix: I want to put her in a snowglobe!
Pie: hahahah
Weetabix: she belongs in my pocket!
Pie: "I want to put her in a snowglobe" I think that should be the title of the post
Weetabix: things are starting to break down the longer we drink, I can already tell
Pie: no, that is genius, she's got Christian hair!
Weetabix: this is the reason that Friday night Weetapidoling is golden
Pie: nice song
Weetabix: OMG she totally does, she's Ferocia Coutura!
Pie: Ferocia Coutura!! and we need an awesome Asian girl to erase the memory of Jasmine and her fucking flower
Weetabix: she wasn't Asian, was she?
Pie: she was Hawaiian…
Weetabix: I thought she was Hawaiian
Pie: is that... Polynesian?
Weetabix: is this Dusty Springfield?
Pie: I'm sorry, I'm embarrassing myself
Weetabix: yes, South Pacific?
Pie: Een says she should win! he likes Ferocia Coutura
Weetabix: I agree although I do like Aussie In My Pants
Pie: but Carly did not sing yet! I love Carly! and Aussie in my pants!
Weetabix: I haven't seen the auditions, so I have no preconceived notions
Pie: Randy loved her
Weetabix: I love her too
Pie: front runner! go Ferocia!
Weetabix: she's my favorite girl right now, even with my plus size girl bias
Pie: heh. she loves hair, makeup, and shoes. she's a woman after your own heart
Weetabix: yes, she is! I want to BE her!
Pie: she can be your little pocket pal! your little Tamagotchi!(I will edit that out, as I am sure it sounds racist)
Weetabix: wow! you ARE embarrassing yourself!

Syesha Mercado

Pie: scarf lady
Weetabix: look at those heels!
Pie: holy crizznap
Weetabix: wow she's got pipes
Pie: I remember seeing her audition. Chain of Fools with laryngitis, just amazing
Weetabix: I can't believe that performance in the audition. when I have laryngitis, I can't sing for a month
Pie: she's great
Weetabix: she's doing the tapping that bugs me, but she's very good. I still love Ferocia though
Pie: well there is room for both in the top 12
Pie: woo!
Weetabix: and my pants, are already occupied
Pie: hee
Weetabix: yes, she's amazing
Pie: you can have her in your heart, Michael in your pants, and Ferocia in your snowglobe.
Pie: you just need to "work it out, dawg"
Weetabix: I love it when Paula stands up. it's like she's not
Pie: heh

Carly Smithson
Pie: here is Carly my favorite!
Weetabix: bad eyeshadow in the audition
Pie: she's controversial. she had a record deal at some point, apparently
Weetabix: wait, is this the ringer?
Pie: oh, she's explaining it
Weetabix: where is she originally from?
Pie: she's got a cute little Irish accent
Weetabix: she's got a weird accent
Pie: Irish! not weird
Weetabix: ok! it sounded a little… Canadian or something
Pie: oh, CANADIAN…
Weetabix: it reminded me of MysterE from the Pickup Artist! which, sidebar, I really hope they bring back, because it was total guilty pleasure television for me. Anyway, Carly, she's also very good
Pie: I love her
Weetabix: and has better eyeshadow now
Pie: I am Irish
Weetabix: I also have a bias for pale brunette girls with blue eyes
Pie: I feel an affinity for her, me too, obvs.
Weetabix: I am Irish too and French
Pie: we are all Irish, pale, brunettes with blue eyes, and therefore awesome! go Carly!
Weetabix: I hope the readers tell us about their ethnicity and we can share a special moment. oh yeah, go Carly!
Pie: she has to hold the microphone across the room
Weetabix: actually, still love Ferocia and Syesha more, sorry
Pie: yeah that was not the greatest song choice
Weetabix: I just didn't like the song
Pie: it just means she has room to grow
Weetabix: it does, apparently she's been sick. oh, totally has the British smile
Pie: they love her. Paula called her a lucky coin, I think she wanted to call her a lucky charm! Green stars and blue clovers!
Weetabix: exactly, Randall!
Pie: who is Randall?
Weetabix: Randy's full name is, I have decided, Randall
Pie: gotcha

Weetabix: ok, recap
Pie: whew! we made it to the end!
Weetabix: Blonde, boring, Joanne... want to love her more than I do. Another Blonde... boring
Pie: Ian is confused by the blondes
Weetabix: most men are. Nurse Rached... love her! she sounds like the soundtrack for a Jack Daniels commercial
Pie: hahaha
Weetabix: Amy... ugh
Pie: Corkscrew... she can stay
Weetabix: but lose the blousey blouseness
Pie: Lushington, enjoy her
Weetabix: Suspenders good! blonde... super boring
Pie: I just told Ian there were like five blondes. he said "I thought there was one, and she just sang a lot"
Weetabix: HA!
Pie: that last one was the most forgettable
Weetabix: Asia'h: awes'ome!
Pie: go Ferocia!
Weetabix: Ferocia: GET IN MY POCKET! Syesha: rocks out and will go very far
Pie: Absolutely, and Carly has room to keep gettng better
Weetabix: and Carly: definitely Top 10 material
Pie: so wait, should we look up who got kicked off?
Weetabix: who do we think is going? Any of the blondes would be my vote. Not Corkscrew.
Pie: Amy and the last blonde… Kady
Weetabix: Oh, that's right, Amy was the WORST
Pie: boy votes, skunk hair and... some guy I hated
Pie: it's been too long of a night, I don't remember
Pie: Doug Henning
Weetabix: this has been one crazy marathon
Weetabix:I'm drunk
Pie: the vest guy is the one who should go
Weetabix: oh right, he was awful too, I want to punch him. or punch someone
Pie: okay who do you think should go?
Weetabix: guy girl this season
Pie: I will go look it up
Weetabix: a blonde plus amy. Guys: Garrett Leif and one of the guys I forgot. actually, g to the a to the y was good but I don't like his attitude.
Pie: someone named Colton got laminated
Weetabix: RUPERT!
Pie: that was Rupert? oh no! so did Joanne
Pie: goodbye, Rupert!
Weetabix: What have you done, America!
Pie: and Garrett, who was that?
Weetabix: Doug Henning
Pie: and thank fucking god, Amy. well, Doug Henning and Amy were my two least favorites
Weetabix: there is no way that Joanne should have gone before the boring blondes!
Pie: but yes, Joanne should have stayed
Weetabix: already, it begins. my loathing for the show, it begins now
Pie: still, the two I hated wen thome, also, I was spoiled for Joanne. Someone posted it in the BFD comments so I was prepared, anyway, phew!
Weetabix: yes, phew!
Pie: what time is it over there? is it like Tuesday?
Weetabix: it's almost 1
Pie: should we say Weetapidol out?
Weetabix: yes, Weetapidol out! 4 down, 20 to go! ok, I'm going to stumble into the bedroom
Pie: okay, g'day, mate!

Weetapidol out.


Blogger Eden said...

Colton = Alex Winter (from Bill & Ted, The Lost Boys, etc.). Not that it matters now. I also think Michael looks somewhat like Tim Daly from the old "Wings" days. Too hot.

Ferocia Coutura! I didn't see if she was packing a can of hairspray.

Ethnicity: Irish, German, Welsh and unknown (more Irish for sure but otherwise I just say French & Greek b/c I like those). Red hair, hazel eyes (more brown than green).

9:41 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Okay, know what? I hate Danny Noriego with all the passion of the fiery depths of the gaping maw of Hell, something I normally reserve for peas, J.D. Salinger and a certaon former Iowa basketball coach.

Anytime Elvis is brought in is a dangerous for those fledgling Idolettes trying to worm their way into my good graces and/or votes.

But Danny, oh Danny--you just did the Lambada all over the Meditation Garden.

I wasn't horrified by Colton, but wasn't he picked over that class president geek? He had some potential and I liked him, but Colton's gone now, so whatever.

I'm watching you, Danny. Don't think that, because I hate Salinger, I haven't read his books and gotten a few pointers. You've been warned.

I'm just saying.

12:28 AM  
Anonymous Rafttree said...

I can't believe how racist you guys are! Calling an Irish girl 'british'. For shame!

Also, this is kind of amazing!

I'm English by locality, Irish by law and Irish/Portuguese by parents birthing/growing up places (my mum now has an Irish passport, but she grew up and lived in Portugal until her twenties).

Brown eyes and hair.

3:25 AM  
Blogger Martha said...

I predicted the two guys who got axed, but Garrett was the worst. It was funny that Simon suggested he should go tanning! I was not surprised by the two girls because their performances were lackluster. I WAS totally bummed that Joanne got booted, though. We need to represent the plus sizes!

I'm mostly French Canadian. But my grandfather, who was adopted, claimed to be Irish. We can't find the records to prove it, but he sang like an Irish tenor!

I'm brown haired, hazel-eyed and plus sized!

11:47 AM  
Blogger Weetabix said...

Martha, that's because you're eerily good at predicting the Idol oustings! With you and Kim in the mix, I'm not sure why I even bother playing the pool, because basically whomever I pick is guaranteed to go home early.

2:07 PM  
Blogger toxicfur said...

I didn't make predictions this time, because I'm always, always wrong (it's like this with the March Madness office pool, too). I agree, though: Michael==hot. Also, Carly==awesome (I love her tattoos, and I do have some Irish ancestry on my mom's mother's side). But Syesha, man. Wow.

Also, on a personal note, my mom and I used to do on the phone what you guys are doing, with just as much snark (only less of the "OMG throw another shrimp in my pants" stuff). She died in late January, and reading your stuff again makes me smile and remember her. Thanks.

5:25 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

This was so fab! Thank You!



6:36 PM  
Blogger Rachel in Alaska said...

This was insanely funny. I want to watch American Idol and chat with you guys, hilarious!

10:17 AM  

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