For One Night Only...

We're back, kind of! In honor of Weetabix's visit to the Bay Area, we decided to get together and liveblog the other reality show we love: Project Runway. This time we're at my place, the Haunted Mansion, and we have with us tonight: Weetabix and Mo Pie, Jen Fu (everyone's favorite from the Idol finale), Jen Wade (who we will refer to as Wade), Ian, and the Armless Monkey. We're watching it a day late, so when we say liveblog, we mean ----blog. And away we go.

[We discuss how we feel about the season thus far.]
Fu: Vincent should have been out the minute he put a basket on a fucking model's head. And Uli bores me.
Weet: I like Uli. She's a little one-note, but she's German, and she means well.
Fu: I miss Alison.
Weet: Yeah, Alison was good. Oh! And Michael... Jake and I call him the Urban Gentleman.
Monkey: Why isn't this being captured on the Internet? This is gold material.
[Pie points out that she has in fact started typing.]

Weet (to Wade): There's my boyfriend Tim Gunn. That impeccable gentleman right there.
Monkey: I think he might be gay.
Weet: I think everyone might be gay.
Fu: It's kind of a shit prize. With INC? What is INC gonna teach you?
Weet: My understanding is that if you have questions starting your line, they'll help you. It's not like an internship.
Fu: I miss Malan.
Weet: French music!
Ian: They're in Paris.
Fu: Scoot-URS! Motor-SCOOT-URS!
[pause]
Fu: That was my French accent.

[Tim announces challenge.]
Pie: That's cool. Actually, I don't really understand what couture is. Even though he just explained it.
Weet: In TWO DAYS? There's no way. Oh, Kayne-Bo!
Pie: Laura is fabulous.
Weet: She's absolutely fabulous. That's the Urban Gentleman by the way. Oh, Kayne, don't have the opening interview!
Fu: Is that a bad thing?
Weet: Usually.
Monkey [weird accent]: I LIKE KIWI!
Weet: Jeffrey's a monkey.
Monkey: He's not like us! He's in the ape family.
[Laura: We went to this great French restaurant..]
All: IN FRANCE?!?
Fu: When I was in Paris, all I ate was Burger King.
Monkey: When I was in Vienna, all I ate was dirt. And sausages.
Weet: That's all I ate in college.
Fu: That's how you got A's.

[Back to the show.]
Fu: The problem with France is that they're going crazy with accordians. I hate accordians. Oh, sorry, Ian.
Pie: Why does Vincent keep saying he gets turned on by stuff?
Weet: EW! I Don't want to think about his crotch.
Fu: Shut up, Vincent. You don't know what coutoure is. I crap better couture than you.
Pie: I don't think I've spelled coutour right once.
Weet: C-O-U-T-U-R-E.
Pie: Aah.

[Jeffrey chooses material.]
Wade: That guy's ripping off Alexandra McQueen.
Weet: Oh yes, he totally is!
Pie: What if Uli gets laminated? She's talking a lot.
Weet: I'm worried. They're going to accuse her of going away from herself. And Laura really looks pregnant now. It's only been two days.
Monkey: Yes, "TWO DAYS." In "TEE VEE LAND."
Weet: No, the last episode was when they got to Paris! It's only been like a day!
Monkey: Maybe she got pregnant again. She's stacking up fetuses.
Weet: Your mind is a dangerous place.
Monkey: I may not have paid attention in health class, but I know one thing....
Pie What's the one thing?
Monkey: That you can... stack fetuses. Like flapjacks.

[Making garments.]
Weet: That's tailor's ham. It's like a ham, except for tailors. [pause] When's the pizza getting here?
Fu: I enjoy the crazy music that comes on every time Vincent starts talking.
Wade: Oh, he should not wear a wife beater.
Weet: It was like 110 degrees in that room while they were filming.
Wade: I don't care. He should be wearing a thick wool sweater.

[Tim critiques the designs]
[Kayne: "How is this working for you?"]
Weet: Kayne is like, "throw me a bone."
[Tim: This bony stuff worries me."]
Pie: Tim just said bone!
Monkey: When Tim says there's so much boning, you know there's a problem.
Wade: Tim reminds me so much of my thesis committe chairman.
Weet: I'm sorry.
Wade: No, I love him.

[Previews]
Weet: AAAAH!!!!!!!
Monkey: Wait, what's the big deal? It's not like they really spoil anything.
Weet: I want it to unfold naturally and organically.
Wade: Like natural and organic like reality television is mean to be?
Weet: Yes.
[Commercials.]

[JEN FU TAKES OVER KEYBOARD]
[WEET POINTS OUT THAT IT’S “KANEBOW” AS IN “RAINBOW.” BECAUSE HE IS COLORFUL. BOTH WADE AND PIE THOUGHT IT WAS KANE-BO AS IN TAE-BO. IT IS NOT.]

(Due to a weird technical difficulty, we might have lost twenty minutes of capping… we rewind and try to recapture the magic)
Jeffrey: Laura’s only got one thing that she knows how to do.
Weet: Get pregnant?
Monkey: Flapjacks!
Pie: You’re so random. It’s like the random kiwi ejaculation from earlier.
Monkey: What do you have against kiwi? I can stop anytime I like.
Pie: And now this blog will be the first Google result for “random kiwi ejaculations.”
Monkey: And you’ll be sad when you see how many hits you get for that.

[Jeffrey: “I’m the only one who knows what he’s doing.”]
Fu: Jeffrey doesn’t know how to be a human being.
Wade: Is Laura wearing false eyelashes?
Fu: Yes, because she’s fabulously glamorous. Oh, Kaynebow’s wearing a Kaynebow bracelet. Shut the fuck up, Vincent.
Pie: Vincent’s hair sucks.
Weet: I don’t like the boob coasters on Michael’s dress.
[Vincent: “Under the gun here.”]
Fu: I wish you were under a gun. My gun.
[Jeffrey: “I’m the only one here making a couture dress.”]
Pie: “I’m the only one worth anything.”
Fu: Oooh, glue! Glue forshadowing.
Wade: Laura’s feet are swollen after three months?
Fu: She’s fabulously glamorous.
Pie: And Jeffrey’s zipping up his pants, for God’s sakes! I didn’t need to see that.
Uli: Vincent’s fabric looks a little bit like a sofa.
Fu: A little bit!
Wade: Michael’s dress looks pretty, even though it doesn’t have a back.
Pie: Aw… he’s designed for a bigger model.
Fu: Michael likes an Oakland bootie.
Monkey: He’s like “man, I got Nicole Ritchie, I’m screwed!”
Weet: Vincent! He’s fucking glueing it!
Pie: The judges won’t know it’s glued, but Tim will know. This is just fueling the fire of Tim’s hatred.

(Designers go to the boat for judging)
W: Uli’s going to go up there and kick some French ass!
Fu: She’s German, you know how the German are.
Pie (to Jenfu): Kayne’s accent is almost as good as yours.
Jenfu: He’s a better French person than me.
Monkey: I think he’s gay.

[Jeffrey (sees the Statue of Liberty) “My inspiration was the Statue of Liberty.”]
Pie: I love lamp!

[Vincent salivates on Catherine]
Weet: Why don’t you just take out your weiner and wank on her.
Jenfu: Look at her body language, she’s grossed out.
Pie: She’s creeped out by the creepy man.

(Laura)
Weet: Even though this is sort of Wednesday Addams, I really like it.
Wade: It’s not Wednesday Addams, it’s more like seventeenth century Flemish.
Fu: I think it looks like a bathrobe.
Pie: I think it should be shorter.
Wade: Actually, couture gowns are generally long. You rarely see a short couture gown.
Pie: Wade, you’re so authoritative about fashion.
Fu: It’s hot.

(Michael)
Pie: I’m worried about him.
Weet: I don’t like the boob coasters.
Fu: The boob coasters are wrinkled. It looks like he just took it out of the dryer.

(Kaynebow)
Pie: I think it’s gorgeous.
Wade: The boobs are crooked.
Weet: I like the colors.
Pie: Crooked boobs are couture, you don’t know anything about fashion.
Fu: It’s floaty. It moves gorgeous.
Pie: Who are those random chicks in the background. Why is the Eiffel Tower growing out of Catharine’s head?

Vincent:

Weet: Sofa! My grandmother’s sofa!
Pie: It’s not as ugly as Michael’s, I’m confused, but Michael can’t go.
Fie: She’s upholstered.
Pie: Why couldn’t Vincent have designed the weird Barney ate Nicole Ritchie and pooped out that dress?

Jeffrey
Fu: I think it’s cool
Wade: It’s total Alexander McQueen ripoff.
Weet: That might be in its favor, because I usually don’t like couture and I don’t like that, so that might mean that it’s good.
Pie: That’s true. I think Jeffrey might be top three. Him, Michael and Laura.
Fu: I think Michael, Uli, and Jeffrey. I think laura’s going to get nailed on her repetitive-ness.
Weet: I have a bad feeling about Vincent going to the final three. He’s going to be the Santino. Or the Wendy Pepper.


(Transfer keyboard to fu)
Fu: Now I’m going to have all the funny lines.
Wade: Tomorrow Mo and Weet are going to be like, hey, Fu didn’t say that, I said that.
Monkey: Didn’t Winston Churchill say that?
(Pause)
Wade: Winston Churchill actually wasn’t very funny.
(Pause)
All: HAHAHAHAHA!

(Fucking Vincent)

W: I love how we have subtitles of Laura, Michael, etc, and then “Fucking Vincent”
Fu: Am I that transparent?

(Uli)
Wade: That’s the best one.
Pie: I don’t think it’s as nice as Kayne and his crooked boobs, which I enjoy. In order to be couture, there has to be something weird about it, like a duckling on it.
Monkey: I would pay money to see someone attach a duck to a dress.
Wade: Sew a duck or glue it, like Vincent?
Monkey: Sew, because a glued duck would be like “What the fuck?” and a sewed duck would be like “Ow ow ow!”
Fu: it would give it a sense of movement, which is totally couture.
Weet: Ducks can’t say “ow”

(Some discussion about Weet’s country background, in which all accused Weet of being “from the country” and Weet purported to be from the city, to which Pie brought forth evidence that Weet used to own ducks and horses, to which Wade mentioned playing in a turkey coop, and then there was mass rabble. Wade’s mom was Poultry Queen, so Wade totally wins.)

Weet: Uli and Laura were about to make out.
Fu: I wish you only nightmares, Jeffery
Pie: How could you like Uli’s gown? Do you see her boobs, how they’re hanging?
Wade: She doesn’t have boobs!
Pie: Wait, it’s Weet who has the boob problem.
Weet: I actually hate the braiding.
Pie: Is it too Santino?
Weet: YES.

Pie: Oh, Michael.
Weet: Great maternity gown, laura.
Wade: I like her dress, but her chest disturbs me. Her bones stick out further than her chest.
Weet: She’s like Skeletor.
Pie: She’s pregnant, so shouldn’t her bones…get…less?
Wade: She’s like, five minutes pregnant, though.
Pie: She’s flapjack pregnant! [pause] I don’t know what that means.

[Commercial. Talk of cell phones in cars. Evil! Evil! Hang up your phone, people. Fu is no Robert Penn Warren. “Oh, Sean Penn.”]

Pie: Their tiny fake plane! I bet they’re not really in that plane.
Weet: Not French models?
Fu: Tim was so cross there!
Pie: “Make it work, you assholes!” He’s just mad at Vincent.
Weet: More glue? Oh, Laura’s is gorgeous.
Wade: [makes a terrible face and hisses] It’s…hideousssssss.
Weet: You can hairspray that collar. Tresemme spray!
Pie: Oh, I love the pearls!
Fu: The pearls are a nice touch.

[Heidi comes in]
Pie: There she is, Wade! She’s pregnant, too. “You’re AUT.” [that was her German accent]
Weet: Boobfat! Boobfat Heidi!
Pie: She’s pregnant!
Weet: Pull down the bodice!
Pie: Maybe she’s just pregnant in the armpits!
Monkey: Flapjacks!
Weet: I would just like to share that I have a girl crush on Nina Garcia!

(Kayne)
Fu: See how beautifully that moves?
Pie: It sparkles! I love it. I really do.
Weet: They’re going to hate it.

(Laura)
Monkey: Grandma?
[Laura: “My dress depends on the collar…”]
Monkey: Which was a huge mistake.

(Uli)
Wade: Oooh, she’s got boobs!
Weet: She’s American.
Wade: And her boobs look good in it! The other model was flat and saggy.

(Jeffrey)
Weet: She knows how to work it. She can work it.
Monkey: It’s like a couch has sprung legs!
Weet: It’s like the inside of a camper.
Wade: Or an umbrella.

(Vincent)
Weet: Please fall, rosette. Please fall!
Fu: Fuck you, Vincent.

(Michael)
Pie: Did he just say something about a whore?
Weet: He’s sweating like a whore in church.
Pie: He looks so scared! Poor urban gentleman. He’s my favorite.
Weet: He’s not my favorite, but I’m worried. My favorite as a designer is Laura.

Monkey: What are you typing?
Fu: Everything everyone says! Oh god.

Judging:
Pie: Oh no. The ominous music of doom.
Fu: Heidi’s hair is a hot mess.
Weet: Couldn’t they pay to fly Catherine in to be the guest judge?
Wade: I think if she leaves France, she ceases to exist.

Uli:
Monkey: Project Solpsist. “ designed uniforms for an airline, you know!”

Kayne:
Weet: I love that!
Pie: It’s supposed to be couture! It’s not busy!
Wade: It’s not about bells and whistles.
Pie: Christian La Croix!
Wade: Well, he’s extreme. Classic coutoure is about being well-made and classic.

Jeffery:
Pie: Makes me want to go on a picnic. Lay her down, put some punch on her.
Weet: [makes exasperated sound] Nina!
Fu: Did they drag a homeless man off the street to judge?

Vincent:
Pie: They asked him what he made by hand. He didn’t answer the question.
Fu: It fits with the rest of the aesthetic, which is “awful.”
Weet: Please let the flower fall off.
Fu: Ha ha!
Pie: Not couture! Please laminate Vincent!

Michael:
Weet: And Cameron Diaz just wadded it up! Did you see Michael Kors? He’s like, what? Oh no, bitch didn’t!
Fu: Are they redesigning his dress on the runway?
Weet: Now it’s totally perfect!

Laura:
Fu: But it got crushed in transit! That is unfair. Poor Laura.
[Nina says it looks old.]
Pie: I think the phrase Nina is looking for is “17th Century Flemish.”

Weet: Basically, Jeffery or Uli won.
Fu: But they gave Santino so much shit about braids!

[Heidi: “Catherine gave this garment lots of stars.”]
Pie: Catherine’s so weird and French! She just doodled on the cards, and now the judges have to interpret it.
Monkey: Purple monkey dishwasher!
Fu: Why do they keep pulling out the taste card? Poor Kaynebow. Are they trashing Vincent? Yes!

The Decision:

Pie: It’s killing me.
Wade: I say Uli wins, Laura loses.
Pie: Nooooooo!
Weet: They were featuring her, with her pregnancy and stuff.
Pie: As long as it’s not Michael. But I don’t want to lose Laura before we lose Vincent!
Weet: I’m telling you, I have a bad feeling about Vincent.

[PIE TAKES THE KEYBOARD BACK.]

[Results]
[Jeffrey wins]
Fu: Fucking fucker.
Weet: Poor Uli has never won a one.
Pie: Yeah she did. She won the dog one.
Fu: Heidi’s so German. And I love Michael, he’s so gracious.
Pie: Bite me, Jeffrey.
Monkey: Being a jackass has just been totally vindicated.

[Michael is in. There is applause.]
Fu: He’s too cute to be out.
Ian (who we all thought had passed out from his half a glass of wine and who hasn’t spoken for an hour): Please let it be Vincent.

[Kayne is in.]
Weet and Fu: OH NOOOOOO.
Weet: It’s Vincent and Laura.
Fu: Oh no! Oh god!
Weet: Jen Wade! You did this!
Wade: Laura did it to herself! With her ugly dress!
Monkey: Laura is so gone. It was so grandma.
Weet and Fu: SHH! SHH!

[Laura is in]
LOUD SCREAMING AND CLAPPING AND HAPPINESS.
All, mostly Fu: Fuck yeah! Motherfucker! Finally! Woo!
Definitely Fu: Creepy motherfucker won’t be walking around in his underwear anymore!
Ian: It’s a day of joy!
Weet: I’m turned on by this. It really gets me off.
Fu: Tim Gunn’s in the back right now high-fiving everyone.
Weet: Oh yay, now we get to watch Tim Gunn trying to look sad.
Pie: Tim Gunn: SO HAPPY.
Weet: He’s smiling.
Fu: Was he, really?
[We rewind.]
Weet: Watch the little smirk he does right after he hugs Vincent.
[We watch. We laugh.]
Weet: I can’t wait to listen to Tim’s podcast.

And, we’re aut!