Wednesday, May 17, 2006

Taylor Is Definitely Staying, That's All I Know

Here it is, the final lamination. Either Elliott or Katharine (probably Elliott) is going home. Who will it be? WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, AMERICA?!

P: "Ace! Ace and Pick Pickler!"
W: "I know, Ryan, that there are surprising heterosexual unions out there."
P: "Ryan is a douche."
W: "Taylor and Elliot are like 'I don't wanna be the Clay! You be the Clay!' I just can't get over the fact that Randy used to be in Journey."
P: "That can't be true."
W: "No, I've seen a picture. He had Kid n'Play hair."
P: "I'm typing a little slowly. I'm the drunk one tonight."
W: "I wasn't as drunk as you thought last night."
P: "Yeah right."
P: "I still don't think Katharine was all that."
W: "No. I've heard cows make that sound."
P: "Katharine's babysitting blues! That was my favorite."
W: "Who was Dial Idol saying this morning?"
P: "Elliott. But it was basically a tie."
W: "Chauffi is predicting a true upset, that it will be Taylor. Chauffi does not watch the show. He reads Weetapidol."
P: "I think the editing suggests a Katharine elimination, for some reason."
W: "Really? Beguiling."
[For some reason, 'beguiling' cracks us up.]

[Ford commercial]
W: "Oh my god, they aged them. Taylor doesn't look any different."
P: "Neither does Elliott."
W: "It looks like we're getting a glimpse into the future."
P: "Katharine looks like my hot grandmother."
W: "The way that she moves that butt, it's gotta be padding. Real ass doesn't move like that. And Taylor can't rap."
P: "This is actually just really creepy."
W: "I like when Katharine makes the dog sing. And yet again, they laugh like they've never seen themselves humiliated on television before."
P: [upon seeing Seacrest] "DOUCHE!!"

[Rebecca Romijn and Hugh Jackman clip]
W: "The poor man's Russell Crowe was there?"
P: "They're just there to promote their movie."
W: "Yeah."
P: "I totally just hate Ryan Seacrest all of a sudden."

[Taylor in Alabama]
W: "Oh my god, those are the saddest two local news personalities I've ever seen. No wonder he prematurely aged."
P: "He watched the news too much?"
W: "I don't know. I'm just saying, it was a sampling of his culture. Dude, he was Soul Patrol-ling the sun on the weather forecast. He did the poop stance on the weather forecast."
P: "Oh, Taylor. Least successful winner ever, that's my prediction. Well, maybe he'll beat Ruben."
W: "Isn't this the same town Ruben's from? Birmingham?"
P: "That means Elliott would have to be the Clay."
W: "Are you calling Elliott gay?"
P: "I'm really not."
W: "Oh Taylor, they give everyone the key to the city. It's not a real key. It doesn't open anything."
P: "Wow, Taylor is popular there."
W: "It's Alabama. They have nothing else to do."
P: "Hee."
W: "Wait, don't we have readers from Alabama? THANK YOU, ALABAMA! WE LOVE YOU!"
P: "Can you imagine being such a spaz, yet people love you for it? That's the American dream right there."
W: "I think I live that dream all the time on my diary. He's so skeevy, Taylor is."
P: "I think he's mildly developmentally disabled."
[Offensive yet hilarious Weetabix rejoinder censored]
[Taylor performs]
P: "Oh, Elliott and Katharine look like such dorks dancing around!"
W: "No matter how dorky they look, they'll never look as dorky as Taylor. It's like fat girl syndrome, only for dorkiness."
P: "You mean hanging around with someone who's fatter than you?"
W: "Yeah, that's what I'm saying. And Katharine's like 'now is the time on Sprockets when we spazz out.'"

[Katharine's visit to Hollywood]
P: "Sherman Oaks is where my friend Dan lives. Lived. Until he moved to Paris. Kevin and Bean! KROQ! Oh my god, Kevin and Bean! I love Kevin and Bean! And Notre Dame High School! That's where my cousin went. She was in the same graduating class as Kirstin Dunst."
W: "Wow."
P: "This whole 'so-and-so Day' thing is so meaningless."
W: "Yeah. And it's like she was just in this gymnasium cheerleading, like, two years ago."
P: "Aww, my cousin's graduating from college next month. That's totally irrelevant, but I have to miss it and I'm sad."
W: "I'm not sure how I feel about Katharine's shirt tonight."
P: "It's kind of pillowcase-esque."
W: "Yeah, it's not a good cut."
P: "Um, why is Katharine being an asshole?"
W: "I don't know, but she kind of is. She's kind of being snotty."
P: "It kind of makes me want her to be laminated."
W: "They're doing the songs from the CD that's being released this week."
P: "That's smart from a marketing standpoint."
W: "She's taking off her shoes. I don't want her feet! I don't want her McPheet! And she's totally wearing Mom jeans. It makes her ass look enormous."
P: "I didn't see them."
W: "Well it's not pretty."
P: "I like her shirt, but, yeah."
W: "It's the jeans that don't have the seams around the pocket."
P: "At least they're not tapered."
W: "No, thank God."
P: "Why is she pointing? What's with the pointing?"
W: "I don't know, she's kind of assholey."
W: "Ryan fetched her shoes. Ryan has, I would like to reiterate, a foot fetish."

[Elliott's visit back home]
W: "Elliott looks like he's wearing Sephora eye brightener."
P: "Katharine looks dazed."
W: "They flew Elliott home in a private jet?"
P: "Wow, their newscasters dress really poorly. This is the most famous he will ever be."
W: "That's just sad."
P: "He's still more famous than I'll ever be."
W: "He's crying while walking into the pharmacy. You have long term fame ahead of you."
P: "I just made like forty-seven typos."
W: "Elliot would have made fifty-seven."
P: "You're so vaguely loyal with no basis at all."
W: "Katharine didn't get to meet the governor. Everyone else did, but Arnie wasn't interested."
[Some woman loses her shit over Elliott]
P: "Is she peeing in her pants?"
W: "Is Elliott wearing a caricature of himself on a T-shirt? Aw, his mommy is so proud."
W & P: "That is so sweet."
W: "She's the only one who seems to be so grateful for it. She's living in the minute, not expecting it to be more."
P: "Which is a good thing, since, again, this is the most famous Elliott will ever be."
W: "I know, it's sad. I really want Katharine to get eliminated. Elliott's crying right now! And Paula's having a meltdown. A fucking meltdown. A peeping meltdown."
P: "I've heard about this 'Moody's Mood For Love' performance, but I never saw it. by the way, this wine is awesome."
W: "I know. I love it. Fucking Mondavi."
P: "You'll just have to go back to northern California a lot."
W: "They ship. I don't know if it can ever be as magical as Chauffi and jen fu and my first experience in Napa. It was magical. I was magically drunk."
P: "There are so many gorgeous wineries up there. I totally miss wine country. And again, I think they're editing for a Katharine elimination."

[CD ad]
P: "Oh, Chris."
W: "Yeah, tout Kelly. 'Kelly... and then there's these other people.'"
P: "Is that Bo? Why does Bo look all girly?"
W: "Is Clive Davis gonna sing for us? He's got a Dunkleman."
P: "How did Clive Davis become... Clive Davis?"
W: "No gag reflex."
[Hysterical laughter.]
[We completely miss whatever Clive is saying, as we are still laughing.]

W: "Here you go, Clive Davis. We will give you this big meaningless picture."
P: "Diana and Justin got shafted. Everyone else is there, including Bo and Clay. Is Clive Davis, like ninety-seven years old?"
W: "I don't know. I think he's had three strokes since he's been on this stage."
P: "Are they going to mention Kelly's Grammys?"
W: "Are they going to mention that they don't own a piece of Kelly anymore?"
P: "It's so sad. They're trying to make Ruben sound good."
W: "They're up for the requirement."
P: "Nice callback. Clive 'wants to accept this award'? What award?"
W: "Paula went to Michael's, got a picture frame, stuck some foil in the back... it was an art project."

W: "Jesus."
P: "Holy shit."
W: "That's close."
P: "Wait, they're going to start with the bottom?"
W: "That's who's kicked out."
P: "Wow."
[Elliott's name comes up]
Ryan: Tonight the journey ends.
W: "Aww. Why did you say Journey?"
P: "That's sad."
W: "It is sad."
P: "We should have voted! That's the lesson here."
W: "We predicted it. It was those boots. Elliott should have worn the boots. And that little black dress."
P: "Go Dial Idol."

[Elliott's montage]
W: "Aren't we done with having bad days?"
P: "I think Ryan and Elliott are about to make out."
W: "That would be awesome."
P: "Yes, we have had a bad day."
W: "I hate bad days. What made him look better halfway was that he grew out his hair. And grew out his goat. Aww, he's so cute there! Aw, Bat Boy!"
P: "Now who the hell am I going to root for?"
W: "In the immortal words of Whitney Houston, I have nothing. Nothing. Nothing."

Idol pool update:
This week's winner is Martha with 11 points. 10 points for Ana. 9 points for my parakeets. 8 points for Bailey, Celine, and Trance. 6 points for Editrix, Shmuel, and Pie. 5 for Weet; 4 for Merr.

107 points: Martha
106 points: Ana
103 points: Trance
102 points: Pie
101 points: Celine, Bailey
97 points: Editrix
96 points: Shmuel
90 points: parakeets
88 points: Weet
84 points: Merr


Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

Come on! Make the clock tick faster. I still have 2 hours and 15 minutes before it's on here and I need to know NOW who is eliminated!

6:50 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

Seriously, Pickler and Ace? Oh Ryan, not even you believed that.

And also, I just watched Chris' exit interview and in it he talks about how he and Ace are really close, how they are like brothers, and how they hang out and stuff.

Um, is it just me, or is that super hot?

7:15 PM  
Blogger Laura said...

You guys KILL me.

I didn't know about Randy's hair, but was motivated to look around for some photos, which I hope you will enjoy.

7:26 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Caution, suburban housewife, spoiler ahead (sort of).
I am SO going for the girl now. (See my comment re: "Final Three Perform" -- sexist motherfuckers.) Even though I've had no affinity for Katharine before, she is now my pick. Albeit, in a meh sort of way.

Weet and Pie, you guys have never been funnier. I look forward to your live blog even more than the damn show anynmore. I'm so sad that it's going to end soon (the blog, not the show). May I ask, are you planning a big "final Idol" party? If so, and if it's open to us lowly commenters, I am so there. I'm just a spit down the road from Coldington. And.I.Am.So.There. Or, at least, if nothing else, a webcast would be cool. Pretty please?

Man, that sounds like some pretty pathetic groveling. But, right now, at 9:40 p.m., after having followed your lead in consuming the appropriate amounts of vino on Idol night, I'm feeling rather emboldened. Sorry.

7:49 PM  
Blogger V'ron said...

Laura, the Randy Journey photos are rich. Rich, I tell you. Thanks for the digging...

5:02 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Ace & Pickler. I just figured she mixed him up with Constantine.

Elliott. Damn.

6:23 AM  
Anonymous Ana said...

What about Clive's spray-on hair? I thought that's what it was, anyway. It was toward the end of the "award" acceptance as he turned his back to the camera. And does anyone else see the resemblence between Pickler (with new 'do) and Joey Lauren Adams? At first glance, I thought maybe Ace was taking advantage of his Idol brush with fame to hook up with Hollywood C-listers!

9:30 AM  
Anonymous Martha said...

I want to know what I'm going to win when I come out on top with the most points after tonight's competition! A Weetapidol mix CD? Or does getting the most points mean I'll have to give Weet and Pie something? ;-)

3:56 PM  

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