Tuesday, May 23, 2006

Final Two: The Claw Versus McBeaver!

Weetapidol will begin semi-live blogging shortly. Ms. Pie has experienced delays at O'Hare, but be assured that she is on the ground and rushing to Casa Bix as quickly as she can. The wine is chilling, the food is waiting and the excitement is palpable.

P: Oooh, mood lighting for Mr. Ryan Seacrest! Oh look at them with their little tricks. I want to go to the show. I know that I'd be one of those lameass people with their "I love Chris and his wallet chain" signs but I think it would be really fun to be there.
W: Oh Chris.
P: I feel like neither of these people deserves to win. Because Chris deserves to win.
W: Chris should be here, damn it.
P: Oh my god, Ben Stiller is there. They didn't caption him, just showed him. He's probably there stealthily. Like "I'm Ben Stiller... it turns out that i'm not cool at all!" Oh, Taylor's wearing a velvet blazer.
W: Chauffi just read that and screamed.
P: Why does Ryan... have two microphones?
W: Bwahahaha!
P: It's supposed to be two turntables, one microphone.

(flashbacks begin)
P: I guess I'm sort of rooting for Taylor. I would be excited if he won. Oh, they showed poor Ruben, the red-headed stepchild of AI winners
W: What about Carrie Underwood.
P: Well, I think she's Blandy mcBlanderson. I forgot about her. She's such a blank spot in my mind.
W: Why the Journey? Why?
P: They're trying to make you happy. They read Weetapidol. Thank you Producers for Journey!
W: Bring back Chris!
P: Tomorrow all of the finalists will be on. Hold on to that FeeeeEEEEEEEELING!
W: (types)
P: You can't blog that. That was a noise. You can't blog my crazy noise. Publish!
w: Published. Oooh, a Pirates trailer!
P: Ooooh! Shadows searching in the NIIIIIIIIIGHT!!!

P: I hope there's some homoeroticism in this trailer.
W: There's a guy with squids on his face.
P: Squids?
W: See?
P: Euuuw!
W: Squids!
P: I don't want squids! I want Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom to make out. I bet they know what we want, like with Snakes on a Plane, how they needed more snakes? They should have more homoerotic overtones between Johnny Depp and Orlando Bloom.

Ryan: Chris Daughtry!
P: Everyone's there! Pick Pickler! But they pull Chris out of the audience because he could like be right there.

P: Oh this is good, I liked this one. Oh, she's got the ethnic men.
W: She's standing this time. That's weird. I don't like her shirt... belly.
P: But she's so pretty, I'll bet her belly is equally pretty. I like her shoes.
W: Her shoes are good.
P: This is probably my favorite Kat performance. I wouldn't be upset if she won. I'm glad that she's not doing the Fantasia thing with Summertime, where like Fantasia had the fifteen performances of Summertime with the single tear running down her cheek, by then it just got old. Christina Applegate is one of Kat's friends and family?
W: Let's check (rewinds) Yeah, that's Christina Applegate.
P: Yo yo yo, you pretty dawg! Poor Randy, he's wearing those vertical stripes, but it's not really hiding anything.
Paula: A fun way to open up and celebrate why you are here tonight. America loves you. It was a fun opening but I know that there's more of you and better of you in songs to come.
P: She's sexualizing Katharine. You have a great opening! Take off your clothes.
W: What did she say? That didn't even make sense. Let's rewind.
(we do... it still is sort of crazy)
P: (singing the AI theme song) Doooo duh duh duh DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ryan: I walked by your dressing room tonight and ...
P: Aw... she's so pretty. I can't help but like her! Maybe it's wrong. I heard a rumor that she's not really a Scientologist though.
W: Where did you hear that?
P: I don't know. On the internet, where I heard the original Scientology rumor.
(Taylor comes on)

P: Oh MY GOD! That is a purple... wait.. pink... magenta! MAGENTA VELVET BLAZER. I'm just going to go home because MAGENTA BLAZER.
W: I think Taylor's revealing something about his secret self.
P: That's purple and magenta?
W: And has a claw.
P: I don't know that I get the gay vibe. I mean, I get the "I'm three hundred years old vibe and also sort of perky. " But I don't know. And my wine is broken. (walks to kitchen to open new bottle) Dooooo HOOOOOO!
W: You are singy tonight!
P: OOOOOOOHOOOOO! Well, I'm like two glasses of wine up on you! But I can't get this particular bottle of wine open. It's not working. Do you know that we have completely buried Pantscork?
W: I know... we have to reveal Pantscork again.
P: But the ice bucket is gone.
W: It's on top of the fridge.
P: Pantscork! Now we've almost filled this bucket.
W: I usually leave a few in there so that Pantscork is not alone, so that he can prop himself up and see out.
P: You're so good to our little Pantscork. This wine has typos on the label. (looks at the freeze frame of Taylor) I mean, magenta blazer! We are like those two fat chicks in the background.
W: Did you just call me fat?
P: I mean, look at them! They are totally us!
W: I am.... NOT... one of those chicks. That one is wearing flip flops. Dress flip flops. I am totally against flip flops.
P: I wear flip flops. Ok, fine, I'll be that one with the flip flops because I like that. You can be the other one.
W: I don't wear prints. Besides, we wouldn't be cheering at that rate for Taylor.
P: What do you mean... like we'd be over licking Daughtry?
W: I don't know... we'd be pointing at his magenta shit and laughing.
P: Hey, the typo wine is really buttery! I'm going to put it into the freezer so that it's cold.
W: Hold on, let me finish this other one so I can try it.
P: Wow, are you just going to.... you just drank like an entire glass in a millisecond.
W: I want to try the buttery wine. Not bad! Very smooth.
P: Right! Buttery! I have to say and you don't have to blog this that we are totally hotter than those fat chicks.
W: I'm blogging that, because it's the truth.
P: And our hair is better.
W: I have to say that I like flip flop girl's dress. Actually, I think I have it.
P: I like that they're actually standing while Tori Spelling can't get up off her lazy ass to cheer.
W: Because it's possible to be fit and also fat.
P: I'm going to stop talking so that we can unpause and actually finish watching the show.

(we unpause)
P: Again, I want to dance.
W: So dance.
P: I will! (does a snoopy dance) I turn into a spaz around Taylor.
W: You were doing a crazy little Cosby dance!
P: My prediction is that Paula's going to say "You're a star, Taylor!"
W: I kind of like Paula's outfit tonight.
P: Is that Taye Diggs?
W: Yeah.
P: Am I here right now? It's very surreal.
W: You might be drunk.

Paula: We match tonight, Taylor!
P: WHAT the hell? How does that?
W: WHAT?! That does not match!
P: Oh my god, how does that... I am wearing a halter with turquoise and stripes that are neither magenta nor a blazer and not a white shirt and jeans and we match! Oh my god. Paula has lost it. I think that in Paula's mind, she is wearing a magenta blazer.
Paula: WAY TO GO!
P: You're my friend! Pick Pickler's got a fake bake going on!
Simon: that is the worst jacket I've ever seen in my life!
W: Thank you Simon!
P: Oh, the whaooo whaa whaa music totally topped Simon!
W: How does she match?
P: They're both wearing.... clothes?

P: She is doing the Summertime shit! She's doing it! If she's sitting on the stage, then I'm totally giving my vote.... my non-vote... My Weetapidol endorsement to Taylor!
W: Ok.
P: Oh, Elliott! Remember Elliott?
W: Back when this was about talent?
P: I didn't see elliott in the audience. They just had to show us Chris, sort of a reiteration of What have You Done America!
W: Maybe he's still consoling his poor sweet mommy.

P: Right now, with some schtick is Katharine. Is she sitting? With a dramatic spotlight? Jesus.
W: Yes.
P: All right, I'll try to like it more.
W: She's got great lipstick.
P: Is she going to take the shit out of her ear? Yes she is.
W: That's her musical crutch.
P: That and her lip gloss.
W: You said that with such derision.
P: I felt derision. I respected her for not doing the Fantasia thing and then she pulled it again. I like her pearls.
W: Her pearl necklace?
P: Heh heh!
W: Heh heh!
P: I kind of like her better in this version though.
W: Yeah, I do too.
P: Look at her. Let me make love to the camera. She's going to fellate that microphone. That's how she got the pearl necklace in the first place. Oh, her dad is fucking crying again. Dude, you just lost Katharine's vote in my head. With the diamonds and the pearl necklace... she tries too hard. It's overkill.
W: So how do you really feel?
Randy: You worked it out. It was hot.
Paula (blathers)
P: "You're possessive of?" Paula's possessed!
W: who was that random hot guy?
P: I think the woman was recognizable.
W: She's just been botoxed out of recognition.
P: She can't wear the pearls and the diamonds and the triangle.... it's just too much.
W: Normally it's me railing against the fashion. This is a whole new reversal.
P: It's because you're typing.
W: You're right, but the rhinestones are too much. It's a mess.
P: Too much, Katharine McPhee! Too much! I'm excited to eat our unpie!
W: Posting!

P: Here's Taylor's Dad, who is 93 years old.
W: They're still alive?
P: Brad looks sort of dead-eyed.
W: I'm not impressed by this performance.
P: Here's my thing. Taylor's got big shoes, which makes me think he's got big feet, and that makes me think... he's got a big penis. And that makes me wonder... who's going to have sex with Taylor? With the Claw? He'll be all "Hey ya! Ow!"
W: **$$* Patrol!
P: **$$* Patrol! **$$* Patrol!
W: Hey! OW! **$$* Patrol!
(Both start singing Prince's "**$$* Control!" except changing the words and imitating Taylor. Then laughing. Then a lot of laughing. Then a few tears and more laughing.)

W: He ditched the blazer.
P: Thank god.
W: This was one of his three best songs?
P: Really?
W: I mean, if he's singing it during the finals?
P: Yeah, clearly, but.... yeah. Oh, he's still good. I'm still into Taylor.
W: You're just into his big feet.
P: I'm just staring at his crotch, waiting for something to spring out. You know, this is the first competition where they're so close in talent, there's no obvious frontrunner.
W: You think so? Because I thought it was close with Justin and Kelly?
P: Really? I didn't watch until season three.
W: No, I thought it was sort of shocking that Kelly won, since Justin was a favorite from so early on. Paula was crying right from the beginning.
P: Really? I had no idea.
W: I was a Justin fan.
P: I had no idea such things existed. I thought they were like the Yeti! Wait... are you going to try to blog that?
w: Yeah
P: ok, that's going to take awhile, I'm just going to be here drinking my wine. (pours wine, reads the label patiently)
W: Finding some more typos?
P: There are spaces instead of apostrophes.
W: Maybe they changed the font at the last minute.
P: It's kosher! For Passover! It's from Gallili!
W: Wow! I just bought it because it was on sale! Expensive wine for cheap wine price!
P: Gotta love it! Hey! There's Constantine! In a white blazer! They're never going to get rid of him ever! Wait, I have to rewind to see Constantine. Look at him! That cleft, his face looks like a giant penis head.
W: He's glowering. What was that? He's a facial penis?
P: Penis cleft! His face with the cleft looks like a penis cleft. Cleft penis. The word penis is funny when combined with the word cleft. Penis cleft. Cleft penis?
W: Ok.
P: It's like Kryptonite...pendant? That was my favorite from the last few weeks. Wait, there's Constantine again! Peeking through! He's... Constantine! (singing) Ahhhhh.... **$$* Patrol!

(back from commercial)
P: Pisha? Her name is Pisha? It sounds like a euphamism for **$$*! Baby, my **$$* is hot for you! Oh Pisha! Oh Vag! My Destiny? Oh this song is going to be terrible.
W: I like the dress.
P: Me too. I never noticed she had such broad shoulders though.
W: Yeah this song sucks. I like her hair though. (extends hand in Broadway musical gesture of extreme emotional outpouring)
Esteban (walks in from outside) Don't do that.
P: It's my hand gesture!
E: It's dorky.
W: Oh kids.
P: They're doing the hand thing again. Jesus. Yeah, maybe that dress isn't clinging as well as it could.
W: Yeah, that's unfortunate.
P: Yeah, let's cut to your crying dad again as per usual.
W: You are so anti-McBeaver and so **$$* Patrol!
P: No, I'm pro McBeaver. I still think she's hot. And she has great shoes. I just wish her dress was a different color.
W: The Chris lights have exploded and are out of control.
P: She's got a great ass, have I mentioned that?
W: That's an off note.
P: Yeah, but it's the first off note I've noticed tonight.
W: Except for that one.
P: Ow! Ow! Oh that note, not so good! She's no Kelly Clarkson.
W: No one is.
P: (laughing) Apparently Justin comes close.
W: I can be wrong. You only have to look at the Idol pool to know that.
P: She totally cut off that last note. She's not doing that well. She just stopped singing that note entirely. I hope the judges call her on th--that really is Tori Spelling! And there's the fat chick in the background who's supposed to be me...she's being annoying.
W: I knew it! I recognized that bad nose job anywhere.
P: I recognized her from a freeze frame?
Randy: That song was not good.
P: He's like "You know, Tamrya writes some bad songs, and that was really not good."
W: That was not a happy trio of judges.
P: No, that's because it wasn't that good. Those people would scream for anything. Do you want chlamydia? WOOOOOO! OOOOOH! YEAHHHHH!

P: Brad Hicks... Taylor's Dad... Civil War Veteran!
W: Haaa!
Brad Hicks: Something told me that it would not be the last time this boy was singing.
W: Stop listening to voices Brad.
P: Taylor's staggering out like a drunk. Maybe that's why he and Paula match.
W: Maybe he's straddling his gigantic penis.
P: Oooh, that was not a good note. Oooh ow. Not a good one either. He hit some bum notes. Simon and Paula were hitting each other and it wasn't for the cameras. Did you see that?
W: No, rewind. Oh my god! They are!
P: These gospel singers are like "oh, all right."
W: "Clap and look Southern!"
P: See, Taylor has the strong finish.
W: It's still not a good song.
P: No, it's still a Tamyra song. The AI singles are always crappy Tamyra songs. She just craps them out. Taylor's going to win and he knows it. I know it.
W: Probably.
P: **$$* Patrol!
Taylor: Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol! Soul Patrol!
W: (burst into laughter)
Randy (endorses Taylor)
P: He just totally picked Taylor.
Paula: Beezle... trumpet! You are my beezle trumpet, Taylor!
Simon: You just won!
P: Paula's like 'no, we have to love them equally!"
Taylor: Soul Patrol!
P: Oh my god, Constantine just made the biggest penis face ever!
W: You know my problem with Katharine? Her voice is almost too polished. It's not really unique.
P: You know... that's it. It's kind of like Fantasia was so polarizing... even though Diana had a good voice, she wasn't unique, which is why is was sort of shocking when Fantasia won it. Taylor does have a unique voice while Katharine really doesn't. I don't know, did Justin have a unique voice?
W: I don't know.
P: Well, you were a Guarini fan.
W: I wasn't. I'm just saying that in the beginning, he was a stand out while Kelly wasn't.
P: Whatever, Guarini fan. What was the fan equivalent.. like the McPheevers and Claymates?
W: Guar---weiners?
P: Were you a Guarweiner?
W: No, I was not a Guarweiner. I didn't have downloads of his songs, like you with the Clay Aiken thing.
P: Whatever, Guarweiner.
W: Claymate.

Our prediction:
Pie: Taylor. I think Taylor will win and probably should win and Weet put the nail on the head when she said that he's more unique.
W: Yeah, it's going to be Taylor. **$$* Patrol!
P: Chris Daughtry should have won.
W: No doubt.
P: No fricking doubt.


Blogger V'ron said...

I'm not a Katherine fan but who DID (or DIDN'T) do her hair on that third song. EEEK.

You could play the "American Idol Drinking Game" with last night's show. As in "Take a drink every time they show Katherine's dad crying." You'd be drunk off your keyster.

Oh, and I hated Katherine's last dress. Who dresses her? My husband says "Usingers". (Usingers: Milwaukee's premier kielbasa, bratwurst and Italian Sausage maker.)

5:51 AM  
Anonymous Bowling With No Panties said...

I didn't comment last week because I didn't happen to see the show...no, I had to instead go watch my own little idol perform in an orchestra concert at his middle school. I will not lie and say that I was dying inside the entire time not being able to watch the final three.

I read your re-cap instead.

Last night was bizarre. Taylor was awesome the first song, Katherine was "Eh, whatevah". The second song, she pimped herself out with that Over The Rainbow stuff because she knew that Simon would get a uncircumsized woody for it and he did. Levon is one of my favorite songs, but I think Taylor held back a little.

I agree that both "singles" blew goat balls, but of the two, Taylor's was less screechy. Katherine has a lovely voice and she's quite pretty but I agree that perhaps she's over-polished vocally and just not a standout personality...I didn't see any of that "star quality".

Taylor might be a dork and I laughed my ass off when Chris Parnell did a Taylor imitation on SNL this past Saturday -- even though all he did was color his hair gray and pump his fist screaming "Soul Patrol" and fling himself half backwards screaming "WOO" -- but he IS a natural performer, he's unselfconscious unless he's made to stand still and I am betting my $1 on him.

6:14 AM  
Blogger Bozoette said...

I'm rooting for Taylor because I'm a billion years old and also because I like Joe Cocker (who is Taylor's ancestor) because I'm a billion years old. But really I'm only rooting for Taylor because Chris is gone. Snif.

6:59 AM  
Blogger Kendra said...

So this is the first season I've ever watched -- what's with the TOTALLY BORING redoing of songs we've already seen? zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

And both Katharine's and Taylor's last songs were C.H.E.E.S.E.B.A.L.L.

But most important -- how could you miss the quick glimpse of Elliott wearing what looked like a BOY SCOUT UNIFORM?

I am rooting for Katharine, but I don't think she'll win.

10:03 AM  

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