Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Top 3 Perform

P: "There he is. Ryan and his Teri Hatcher... but no Chris."
W: "I don't think we should even BOTHER."
P: "Maybe the mojitos will help dull the pain of no Chris."
W: "I don't think so. Ryan's outfit is becoming increasingly formal."
P: "Next week he'll be wearing a tux."
W: "And tails, I hope. A mourning suit. That was his grandfather's. Hey, let's pause it for a second. Do you want another mojito?"
P: "Totally."
W: "I love how now that Chris is gone, we've resorted to hard liquor."

[Un-pause]
Ryan: You've got to vote, vote, vote!
W: "Oh go shave, Ryan. And not your balls."
Esteban [walking through the room]: "Are you... talking about ball shaving?"
W: "I'm sorry you had to hear that."

[Clive Davis montage]
P: "Ew, Clive is the one who unleashed Rod Stewart on us?"
W: "Didn't they call him a gargoyle last time?"
W: "I thought it was a Sith Lord."

Elliott, "Open Arms"
W [gasps loudly upon hearing the song]: "We have to shut the door so we can hear this."
P: "Was that a happy gasp?"
W: "Yes."
P: "Clive is, like, embalmed. Oh, this is gonna be good."
W: "OH MY GOD. You know, young Mr. Steve Perry? Also not a traditionally handsome guy. And yet he's probably responsible for half of the unwanted teen pregnancies in the nation. Look at the arm!"
P: "Are you... hot for Elliott now?"
W: "It's the song. He's still a bat. But, the music!"
P: "Oh, he's GOOD."
W: "This is an awesome song."
P: "Great choice, Clive."
W: "Good job, Clive."
P: "Wow."
W: "And the mullets of America have just united for Elliott. They weren't sure what to do after Bucky."

Score:
Pie: I thought it was good. I say 8.
Weet: I will say... 10.
Pie: Sucker.

Katharine, "I Believe I Can Fly
W: "Maybe Clive is like one of those animatronic guys in the Hall of Presidents. Look at Katharine's body language! It's like, YOU'RE SKEEVING ME OUT. And he's got a lot of makeup on."
P: "It's formaldehyde."
W: "It's a very fine sheen of wax."
[Katharine begins singing[
P: "Nice prom dress."
W: "That dress came off the sale dress at David's Bridal. Her eyes are fantastic though. They've really mastered the fake eyelash on Katherine."
P: "Her voice sounds pretty good, I think."
W: "It sounds a little rough, actually. It sounds like she's pushing for it."
P: "What's with the weird pointing?"
W: "It's her own personal take on the God hands. You know who would have been good on this song?"
P: "Who?"
W: "Mandisa. But then she'd preach."
P: "I do miss Mandisa."
W: "Oooh, I love her shoes."

Score:
Pie: I would say 7.
Weet: Yeah. I'm at 7. I have to agree with Randy.
Pie: She's getting mouthy. I like how Katharine's cracked the code. Like when Paula says she looks good, it's a criticism.


Taylor, Dancing In The Dark
P: "I don't know this song. Maybe I do."
W: "It was when you were born."
P: "Taylor looks completely unamused."
W: "Taylor doesn't give a shit. He's probably like, yeah, Katharine told me you tried some shit with her. You'd better not try that with me, old man."
P: "Taylor is 'up for the requirement'?
[Laughter]
P: "Oh, of course I know this song."
W: "He's got a claw. Watch! And he's actually got some fake bake going."
P: "This is a good song for him. DID HE JUST DO A FINGER GUN?"
[Hysterical laughter]
W: "That was awesome."
P: "At least we still have Taylor. And we'll always have Paris."
W: "That was horrible. That was up for the requirement."
[Taylor pulls Paula up]
W: "That's right. Always bring Paula into the craziness."
P: "And Paula's still dancing by herself!"
[More laughter]
P: "This is the best performance ever!"
[Paula drapes herself on Simon]
P: "And Paula's like a little drunk chihuahua."

Score:
Pie: I give him a 10.
Weet: I give him an 8, because Paula's dress didn't actually fall down. She would have just tucked them back in and been all, "Aw, Taylor." That would've been great.

Elliott, "What You Won't Do For Love"
[Something weird with a lap dance and camera guys and Simon covering Ryan's mouth.]
P: "What the hell is going on here? Who's choosing this song? The mayor of Virginia?"
W: "What the hell!?"
P: "Now this song, I don't know. I'm really confused."
W: "I wonder if Simon's drunk."
P: "I like how Ryan has to ask the question twice, because Paula won't stop babbling."
[Elliott starts singing]
P: "Oh I do know this song. I'm rooting for Elliott now, did I mention that?"
W: "Yeah, I'm right there with you."
P: "An Elliott/Taylor finale would be fun."
W: "I have a feeling Katharine's time is up. A week ago. You know the great thing about mojitos is? If you eat the mint, you won't have alcohol breath."
P: "And maybe if you drink enough of them, this show will make sense."
W: "Paula and Simon will make sense. Wow, Elliott's mom has to prompt his friend to clap. Clap for Elliott! Clap! Clap!"
P: "Paula has reached the apex of crazy."

Score:
Pie: 8
Weet: 7

Katharine, "Somewhere Over The Rainbow"
W: "Really?"
P: "That's an interesting choice. Wow, acapella? And she's sitting down, trying to get all Fantasia in Summertime."
W: "I think earlier in the competition she would have been better. Her voice is strained."
P: "I don't think she's really having a moment."
W: "No. I don't know if it's the arrangement, or what the deal is. I'm just not feeling it."
P: "I think she's trying too hard."
W: "Yeah."
P: "I really think that's what it is. She's trying to be all soulful and, like, LOVE ME."
W: "Well, the confused gay man that lives deep inside my brain would like to say: that was no Judy Garland. She's got great hair though."
P: "Randy's losing his shit, and I don't really get it."
W: "What? What, Paula?"
P: "Simon likes it because he picked the song. And it was not at all the best."
W: "It wasn't even the best one tonight. Which of course was Journey."

Score:
Pie: I'm gonna go with, like, a 6.
Weet: I'll go 7. Even though it wasn't as good as Elliott's, I think it was harder.
Pie: That's what she said.

Taylor, "You Are So Beautiful"
W: "He's doing Joe Cocker? That's just so easy."
P: "Taylor's an 'old soul'? He's an old guy!"
W: "It's very good for his voice."
P: "What is his face about?"
W: "He looks like he's going to start masturbating! It's the furtive eyes. 'I shouldn't be looking! I'm bad!'"
P: "THAT would be the best Idol performance ever."
W: "Yeah."
P: "His voice sounds good though. It's gonna be close tonight. They all deserve it."
W: "I hope he rocks the falsetto, at the end. Ace could---"
[Insane falsetto]
W: "Okay, that was not rocking it."
P: "He's doing the poop stance!"
W: "I was just thinking that."
P: "He's definitely feeling it."
W: "But at the end, he's supposed to go way up high. But he's afraid. Afraid of the falsetto."
P: "I like Randy's glasses."
W: "I do too, but I don't think Taylor looks like a star. He looks like a Vice Principal."

Score:
Weet: A strong 8.
Pie: I'll match your 8.
Weet: Snowmen!
Pie: Are you drunk?
Weet: Little bit.

[We discuss our podcast plans. Last week I was so drunk that I got cut out of it. And by "I" I mean Pie.]

Elliott, "I Believe To My Soul"
P: "Why does he always pick the obscure songs?"
W: "He likes Donny Hathaway. This is the Donny Hathaway version."
P: "This could get him eliminated."
W: "Yeah. This is exactly like every other song that he's done."
P: "And this doesn't really show off his voice. It's a little too low. Well I won't get too attached to Elliott, then."
W: "Bye, my little bat boy. I'm approving of his outfit, though. Strangely enough, I like the black and white combo."
P: "Even with the waiter connotations?"
W: "The pinstripes eliminate that. It's hard to see, but the pinstripes are there."
P: "Oh yeah."
W: "Yeah, he hurt his voice there."
P: "Simon's like, 'you're outta here.'"
W: "He's not gonna waste any words telling him how to improve. He knows he's gone."
P: "It was totally the song choice that did him in there."

Score:
Pie: 6
Weet: 7. I don't know. I should really give him a 6. But it wasn't worse than Katharine's, which I gave a 7 to.

[Hysterical love for Katharine's boots]

Katharine, "I Ain't Got Nothing But The Blues"
P: "Does she have the Babysitting Blues?"
W: "Look at her all sassy with the boots. The boots are going to take her into the finale. It's like Chris's glasses, but good."
P: "Boots and boobs. I personally keep looking at her boobs."
W: "Look how much better she is here, than Somewhere Over The Rainbow! Which is one of my favorite songs. Said the gay man in my brain."
P: "She seems more comfortable or something. And she looks really smokin' hot. I think that song did it for her."
W: "She just got carried in. Definite. Definitely in. The finale."
P: "Drunkard."

Score:
Pie: I give her a 9.
Weet: I will totally give her a 9.

Taylor, "Try A Little Tenderness"
W: "Oh that's a good song."
P: "The claw!"
W: "He's going to spaz out by the big finish. That is my predict..shun."
[We laugh]
W: "Okay, maybe I'm a little drunk."
P: "I'm kind of digging it. Taylor entertains me. The finale would be a sad wasteland without Taylor. And he's spazzing out! Your prediction is coming true!"
W: "Of course it is!"
P: "The camera can't even follow him. And he's got the Chris lights. It's the Chris strobe light!"

Score:
Pie: A 9. He was totally up for the requirement right there.
Weet: I give him an 8 for saying Soul Patrol fifteen times at the end.

[Wow, this is a lot of math. Does anyone else want to do my math? I think Elliott's going to be eliminated. Weet says it's unfortuante, but she agrees that it's going to be Taylor and Katharine in the finale.]

14 Comments:

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Thank god you are here because I am ranting all by myself here. Is it just me or does Katherine look like a hot rachel ray? I keep expecting her to say EVOO...
I did not like the cheesy sitting on the floor thing. Also rosanne is in the audience and that is weird.

5:39 PM  
Anonymous Emily said...

What entertained me the most was not that Taylor *made* the finger gun, but that he *holstered* it! I could not stop laughing.

6:09 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

Anyone else find the show terribly disappointing sans Chris?

Honestly, I don't care anymore. At least when Pickler was there I had someone to hate, now, it just doesn't matter.

6:14 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

I agree with Simon. Katharine's "Somewhere Over the Rainbow" was the best vocal performance on American Idol ever, IMHO. I thought she was absolutely amazing. I think she was doing the Eva Cassidy version of the song. If you don't have any of her (Eva's) music, you should check it out.

ANYWAY, I think it's going to be Taylor and Katharine too. I like Elliott, but he didn't bring it. I'm sad that it wasn't Chris, Taylor and Katharine in the final 3 - that would have been a very interesting show tonight.

'Til tomorrow....

7:42 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

I have to respectfully disagree--Katharine is no Eva Cassidy! Her version of "Fields of Gold" is the only song that has ever made me cry sheerly because her voice is so beautiful. Katharine was trying too hard, I will stand by that idea.

But yes, I miss Chris. I would have loved him in the final three.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I hope you're wrong and Kat gets eliminated :-D But that's just because Elliott's my hometown boy.

7:52 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Taylor's going to win this because Simon said so.

And he was awesome (even with the stupid finger gun)

S

5:03 AM  
Blogger Shmuel said...

The math officially goes as follows:
Elliott: 46
Katharine: 45
Taylor: 51

Quoth Anonymous:
Is it just me or does Katherine look like a hot rachel ray?
...do you mean to imply that Rachael Ray isn't hot?

5:11 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I did not mean to imply rachel ray is not hot, I guess hotter would have been the correct term. The whole "evoo" thing really does get on my nerves though...

6:20 AM  
Anonymous Kat said...

"He's doing the poop stance!"

Hee! I was thinking the same thing. When Taylor is trying to be all serious and is struggling to refrain from breaking out into a spaz-dance, it appears that he's trying to thwart an explosive b.m. Either that or he's assuming the posture a dog about to drop a log in the backyard. I do like the guy's voice, but, I'm sorry. I just can't take him seriously when I watch him perform.

9:42 AM  
Anonymous Martha said...

Mopie - I wasn't really comparing Kat to Eva - I was just suggesting that she was singing her version of "Somewhere" rather than Judy Garland's. I'm going to watch her performance again and get back to you on the "trying too hard". I guess I'm just amazed at how much control she has over her instrument. Perhaps she hasn't made that connective leap yet - where she's really feeling the music - and it may be that you are feeling a "contrived-ness" about it. OK. I'm getting too deep here.

Eva Cassidy had a remarkable voice. Her death was a great loss. When I used to do yoga, my teacher would play her music during relaxation and I was often moved to tears. Such a beautiful voice.

I hope you and Weet will be online tonight because I'm going to have to miss the show (I'm rehearsing for a concert this weekend). I'll be eager to check in and see your comments.

Peace.

11:26 AM  
Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

His grandfather's tux....

You slay me!

12:36 PM  
Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

His grandfather's tux...

You slay me!

12:36 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

I just realized something. Those producers at American Idol are a bunch of sexist bastards. Think about it. Whenever there was a theme night where the contestants had to sing the music of a particular artist/group, it was ALWAYS a male artist/group (Elvis, Rod Stewart, Queen). And even on the nights when the theme was a bit broader but they still had artists and/or producers critiquing the performers, those critiquers were ALWAYS male (Barry Manilow, Andrea Bocelli, David Foster, Clive Davis). Correct me if I'm wrong here, but I don't recall any female artists/producers/etc. being featured on any of this season's shows. (Unless you'd count Paula Abdul, which...I mean...come on.) Oh right, Shakira performed on one of the shows, didn't she? But she wasn't in on the pre-show rehearsals coaching the contestants or anything like that. Anyway, just thought I'd throw that out there, and maybe I'm not even the first one to mention it. But it just hit me and it seems rather unfair and, well, just flat out sexist.

3:00 PM  

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