Weetapidol Out

It's a big night here in Weetapidol headquarters. We have three special guests for tonight's finale: Abby (therefore the code will be in effect), Abby's mom (also known as Weet's sister, also known as Mo), and jen fu (also known as jen fu). We've spent the evening drinking mojitos and practicing our runway walks. (Abby's was the best.) We're ready for the Best, or at least Last, Weetapidol ever! Woo! Soul Patrol Soul Patrol!

Oh, also, shout out to our friends Joe and Peter from the Chronicle and its culture blog. San Francisco represent! Woo! Soul Patrol!

P: Some blonde chick is coming out.
Jen: It's Mariah Carey!
P: It's Carrie. I forgot about her.
Jen (seeing Taylor): Who the hell is that?
P: That's Taylor, one of the finalists.
W: And that's Kat, the other finalist.
P: Why are they dressed like revival preachers?
W: Maybe they're dead. Maybe this is heaven.
Jen: Heaven has awesome mojitos.
Abby: Chris! Chris!
W: Maybe this is my heaven. Maybe you should shield Abby's eyes, because in my heaven, Chris is about to do something with his rooster.
[All idols come out]
W: Mandisa should not be wearing white. Fat girls know that they don't wear all white.
Jen: Mandisa's backstage all, "[Kellie], I'm not wearing white!"
Abby: There's Elliott!
W: That's right. Because he looks like a bat. Wait, there's people wearing black coming out! Are they going to rumble?
Jen: When you're an American Idol, you're an American Idol all the way. What is the island with the midget?
W: Rhode?
Jen: Oh, fantasy island! De plane! De plane!

[Credits]
W: Are they going to take the glass elevator and walk across the bridge this time? I've been waiting all season!
Jen: I'm not sure I understand the significance of the elevator. Is it the rise to fame? Is it deep? This is all so new and exciting.
P: Ben Stiller is sitting in the front row this time.
W: Do you think it's a Ben Ryan thing?
Jen (singing): Secret Looooooovvvvers.
W: What will they call them? Byan? Ren?
Jen: Bryan.
W: Yes!
JenL So, do you actually have to idolize the idol? How does this work? I've never seen this before. Is this a religious thing?
Abby (witheringly): No.
P: Oh god, they're doing the recap.
Jen: What's with the noodly hair?
P: Who has noodly hair?
Jen: Everyone! I don't understand it!
Abby [dances].
P: Randy's got Dunkleman!
W: He's got a giant Dunkleman! He's trying to hide behind Dunkelman!
Jen: What did Paula Abdul do to her face?
W: Botox. She looks like she's melting.
Jen: Sandra Bullock, this is your future. And Simon makes me feel a little bit dirty.
[Simon montage]
Jen: Paula's like, "Oh wow, you're Simon Cowell?"
Abby: Mc'Leave Her! Leave Her!
P: What?
W: We don't know what you're talking about.
Abby: I said she's going to be voted off!
Mo: That's not what you said.
Abby: I meant that!
Jen: The only place you'd see this madness is in Birmingham, because there's nothing else to do there.
P: Did you just see the sign with Taylor spelled T-A-L-O-R?

Paris
Mo: They're all singing separately?
W: It's called "stretch it out"
Jen: FORMAL SHORTS! She's wearing formal shorts!
W: Who is that guy?
Jen: I think it's the future of Samuel Jackson
W: Is she really wearing a Hello Kitty necklace?
Abby: Yes!
W: Pendant. It's a kryptonite... pendant.
P: Hee.
W: That's Al Jureau.
Jen: And she's got the noodly hair. What's up with the noodly hair?
P: Racist.
Jen: Noodly hair encompasses all races and creeds!
P: I don't even know what song they're singing.

Chris
W: He's singing with Live!?
Jen: You're fucking kidding me!
P: Peeping.
Jen: You're peeping... freaking... peeping... I'm sorry! Wait, is Chris and that Live guy, are they twins?
Abby: They're both bald!
W: It's like we're in the matrix now.
P: I love this.
Jen: Who is who?
W: The Live guy is rocking it a little more.
Jen: That doesn't help me.
W: He's the one without the wallet chain. And the visible rooster action.
Jen: Oh my goodness.
W: Daughtry's like, "You're gonna walk out? I'm gonna walk out FARTHER!"
Jen: It's so sad seeing him next to who he wants to be, and what he will never achieve. The Live guy's knee action is much better. He's never gonna be a rock star, this American Idol guy.
W: It's a mirror image!
Jen: So creepy! it's freaking me out!
W: If only the Live guy had a wallet chain on the other hip.
Jen: Then I'd know I was having an acid flashback.

Pick Pickler
Abby: It's Pickler!
Jen: He's basically saying "Ha ha! She's stupid!"
W: Yeah, that was the joke all along. But she cultivated that.
Jen: "Hello, I am Wolfgang Puck. I have a line of canned soups."
W: He's an Iron Chef! Show some respect!
Jen (fake accent): "You can try some of my soups! They are canned!" Did she grow up under a rock? Was she chained under a cave?
W: What are you doing with that swizzle stick?
Jen: I'm spanking my breasts.
W: Buttons.
Jen: Buttons. He's forcing it into her mouth!
W: There are sites springing up devoted to this moment.
Jen: Fanfiction!
W: Wow, Wolfgang Puck in the audience looks like he's been slow roasted on a rotisserie.
Mo: Pickler is singing with Meat Loaf.
Jen: So Pickler really is retarded, right?
Mo: That is her idol? Meat Loaf?
Jen: She's like "I like Meat Loaf! It's tasty!"
P: You already understand Pickler.
W: Wait, Katharine is singing with Meat Loaf? We ARE having a collective acid flashback.
Jen: It's Meat Loaf. It's all the Meat Loaf. It's sparkly Meat Loaf.
W: Katharine is rocking that dress. Wow.
P: That is. An awesome. Dress.
W: And look at the shoes.
Jen: She's slammin'.
P: And look how disgusting Meat Loaf is. I really hope he doesn't touch her.
Jen: She touched him!
W: Ew! I bet he's got a swampy, humid atmosphere from all the sweat.
Jen: His pants are swampy now! This is the worst thing I've ever heard in my life. And it's a little creepy how old he's gotten.
W: It's creepy in a weird Phantom of the Opera way.
Jen: She looks a little traumatized.
P: He is gross.
Jen: It's all coming back to me now. He's like "Are you coming back to my hotel? You're coming back with me, now?" DAVID BOREANAZ! OH! AND HIS SON! I'm gonna cry a little bit!
Mo: I would never guess that was her idol. Meat Loaf?
W: I don't think it's her idol. It's whomever they can get.
Mo: The person in the top two, they're like, sorry, you're getting Meat Loaf.
W: It was Judy Garland, but you're not getting her, so....
Mo: Daughtry gets Live. You get Meat Loaf.

Golden Idols
Jen: Wait, did they really expect an Emmy for American Fucking Idol?
P: Peeping.
Jen: American Peeping Idol? Ryan Seacrest should not do comedy.
P: This is so sad.
Jen (sees Cierra Miller): Noodly hair!
P: Racist.
W: Didn't we get enough of the bad singers in the beginning?
P: This tan chick looks exactly like Ashlee Simpson.
Jen: See, "Outstanding Female Vocal," that was sarcasm. See what they did there?
[Male Vocal]
Jen: So Simon's shtick is that he's not very nice?
P: Yes. You have a good understanding.
Jen: See, I understand this American Idol stuff!
P: [hands Jen empty mojito glass] Make it go!
Jen: [hits Pie on the head with swizzle stick]
[David Hoover spazzes out.]
P: Who the heck is that in the flowy dress?
W: This is so creepy. I don't like this snarky American Idol.

[Commercials]

Jen: Is that Parker Posey?
P: It's Parker Posey!
W: I didn't even figure it out until last week!
P: Weet was like, "Who is that random chick dancing with Jimmy Fallon?"
Jen: It's Parker Posey!
Mo: He's my boyfriend.

Puck & Pickler
Jen {fake accent): "I still have zee soup!" I really wish Pickler had cracked her head on the floor. And possibly died.
Pickler: Oh. My. God.
Jen: She doesn't actually end her words, does she? "Ooo.. maah... Goh...." That was just mean though. Who brings out a live lobster? Who brings out a live lobster to stupid people?

Man Medley
[Ace appears]
Jen: Oh he's hot, who's he?
P: Ace!
W: He cannot sing, sadly, but who cares.
Jen: Oh my god.
P: That's Chicken Little.
W: That's Kevin Covais.
Jen: It's like, puberty, meet manhood.
W: It's like the stages of man. Including the white trash stage.
Jen: I don't want them to take care of any of my business, quite frankly.
P: Aw, Bucky can kind of sing. Where did Ace go?
Mo: He's over there, with all the bad singers.
W: Ace is pointing! He's pointing!
P: He's so pretty.
Jen: Oh, Chicken Little does not need to be thrusting his crotch like that. This makes me sad. It's like high-tech karaoke, isn't it?
P: Yes. I kind of love this, though.
W: Where did we go from raunchy guy gyrations to Fleetwood Mac?
Jen: That gray-haired one is Jay Leno! Jay Peeping Leno! And they're all singing each other's parts under their breath. This is awesome.
W: If there was a calendar for American Idol, what month do you think Ace would be?
Jen: I wouldn't buy it.
W: Chicken Little would have some strategically placed foliage in October.
Jen: The leaves are changing, just like his voice!
Abby: Chris is rocking!!!

[Commercials]
[Ford commercial]
W: Ew! Katharine and Taylor at the drive-in! They're laughing at the losers.
P: So this is a montage.
Jen: So these are the two finalists? She's got noodly hair! I'm not a racist. She's got noodly hair. She's got it rocking, except for the noodles.
W: They just gave them cars?
P: They did that last year too.
Jen: I bet they spent the whole last night going "Uh, where are the cars? When are the cars coming?"
P: I do not want to blog these montages.
[Elliott's mom]
Jen: Is this woman dying of some kind of disease?
W: No, she just looks like it.
Jen: She's like "my son put me in a car! I'm in a parade! It's so sad!"
W: Katharine's dad should be dehydrated from all the tears he's shed.
P: Elliot's mom is not dead!
Jen: She's going "you put me in the audience! It's so sad!"

Elliott
P: Oh, I like this song!
Jen: Isn't it that Toad the Wet Sprocket song?
P: No, It's U2.
Mo: Everyone else gets an idol but him.
W: It would be pretty awesome if U2 came out.
P: Go Elliott!
Jen: It's... Aretha Franklin! It's... Beyonce!
Mo: It's Mary J. Blige.
Jen: I thought she was in prison. Did they give her a furlough?
P: I want those glasses.
Jen: I was gonna say! They are such Mopie glasses! They're obnoxious.
W: If you squint, it's almost like Bono.
Jen: She may have wanted to wear a shirt under that jacket. What's up with the suit jackets tonight? And I think one love is kind of limiting. I'd prefer all the loves.
W: I like midget love.
Jen: Gimp love, fat girl love... I want all the loves.
Mo: I'm not loving that shirt she's wearing.
W: Her boobs are cut out of it somehow.

[Pause for "peepin' awesome" pie]

Carrie
Jen: Who's Carrie?
W: She won last year.
Jen: Are we supposed to idolize her? She's so famous she can't stand.
W: It's the weight of your fame. That's why she needs the elevator.
Jen: Isn't she doing Skechers commercials now? With her noodly hair?
W: How much of that hair do you think is really hers?
Abby: A lot.
Jen: I think everything past the headband is synthetic. And her lips are very very shiny. They're mesmerizing me. I almost think she doesn't suck.
W: I'd like to point out that her eyebrows don't match her hair.
Jen: Oh my god, do you think the drapes match the curtains?
W: No.
Jen: That's my dream, to find that out. The violin guy is so emo.
W: He's hating life because he has to back up Carrie Underwood.
Jen: He's thinking that french manicures are so not country.
P: She has Barbie hair.
Jen: Noodly Barbie hair.
W: She's Country Barbie!
Jen: She's Republican Barbie. She's One Love Barbie! Only one heterosexual love Barbie.
W: I vote Republican and I'm proud Barbie!
Jen: Violin guy's thinking, kill me. That's a great dress though.
W: Not as good as Katharine's Meat Loaf Bad Touching Dress. That was the best dress and shoe combo of the season.
Jen: She burned it after Meat Loaf touched it.

[Another peeping annoying montage]
P: Did Ryan just call that girl a.... hoor?
W: Yes.
Jen: A dirty hoor. This is scripted. They were all "okay, dress like a hoor. This is gonna be funny."
P: Sadly, it is not funny.
Jen: They tried, though.

Taylor
Jen: Taylor Hicks? That's an unfortunate name.
W: No, not In The Ghetto! I hate In The Ghetto.
Jen: I hate his shiny suit. And I don't think he's from the ghetto.
W: Toni Braxton. It's Braxton-Hicks!
Jen: She's got the noodly hair.
P: RACIST.
W: Okay that's a wig, first of all.
Jen: It's a noodly wig.
W: She's doing that hand thing Cher used to do in the '70s.
P: Is it... the claw?
W: She's effecting a claw!
Jen: Does she think she's Tina Turner?
W: My god, if big wheel keeps on turning, I'll be so happy.
Jen: I bet Taylor's... wheel's... turning.
P: Misfire!
W: Was that my misfire?
P: No.
W: [to Jen] She loves joke misfires. She of course has no misfires.
Jen: By wheels, of course, I meant ROOSTER.
[Katharine comes out for Woman Montage]
W & Jen: NO!
Jen: This can't be real! And they're doing the walk of sexy.
Abby: There's Melissa!
P: Who the DMV is Melissa?
W: She's over there.
Jen: Mandisa doesn't look much smaller in black. And more formal shorts. I don't approve of formal shorts.
W: Paris is wearing her dominatrix outfit again.
Jen: That's a sweet outfit. I like the boots and the skirt.
P: Whose outfit?
W: Paris's.
Jen: I like Paris. I'd spend one night in Paris.
P: I love Mandisa. I miss Mandisa.
Jen: She's fucking awesome! Pooping awesome!
W: Peep.
Jen: Peeping awesome!
[Laughter]
Jen: Was that a misfire?
P: No. Why is Paris wearing a dog collar?
W: I told you she was wearing her dominatrix outfit.
Jen: This really is a woman medley. They just did a Google search for "woman."
P: Who's the chick with the belly?
W: That's Melissa.
P: She's so happy to have another minute and a half on the stage.
Jen: I like Mandisa.
Abby: Mandisa's good at singing.

[More fake awards with sarcasm]
[Jen fu sees Cher impression and collapses with laughter and lands on the keyboard.]
Jen: What the hell is that?
P: Peep! I mean, DMV!
Jen: What the DMV is that?
Mo: They're letting this guy sing?
Abby: Why is he so good now?
P: He's... not.
Mo: Honey, he's not good.
W: Is that Clay?
Pie: CLAAAAAAAAAAYYYYY!!!!!!!!!!! AAAAAAAHHH!
[Much screaming and squealing from all.]
W: We have to watch this shit again.
P: Tom Cruise's Belief in Scientology....
Jen: This is the sweetest thing ever.
P: AAAAAAAAAAHHHH I LOVE CLAAAAAY!!!!
Jen: Aw, I have goosebumps!
P: This is the happiest moment of this guy's life and I love Clay's hair.
W: He's like, what the DMV is going on?
Mo: They totally turned off the other guy's mike.
P: We have to watch this again! This guy is so cute!
Jen: It's really adorable.
W: "Clay's so dreeeamy"
P: I LOVE CLAY!!!
Abby: Rewind it!
Jen: That was so heartwarming! My heart is warm!
W: I just like the look on that guy's face. Even in reverse, it's fantastic.
[We rewind]

[Pie hands keyboard over to jen fu so as to be able to gaze adoringly at Clay.]
P: I love Clay! I'm like this guy! His microphone is one hundred percent off.
W: He's really singing a lot.
P: I love Clay! His sparkly eyes! He's not even singing the right words.
Mo: Ryan's talking to him, and it's not even going in the microphone.
P: This poor little retarded guy is so happy!
All: Awwwwwww!
P: Claaaaaaay!
Mo: You know, that guy doesn't look that different from Clay when he auditioned.
W: That has totally made my finale. They're trying to make up for the sarcasting thing by being heartwarming.

[Commercials]
Abby: That's not Taylor Hicks.
Mo: It looks like him though.
W: That's Burt Bacharach!
Jen: He's a million! I had no idea he was a million. Or alive.
P: Anothrer great Katharine dress!
Jen: And noodly hair.
P: Racist.
Abby: Ace! What are you doing here? Get him off the stage!
P: But Abby, I love Ace! Not as much as Clay.
Jen: I don't think you love anyone as much as Clay. I don't think you love your fiance as much as Clay.
P: He doesn't read this blog, so... yeah.
Jen: Is that Florence Henderson?
W: No, it's Pick Pickler.
Jen (singing randomly): "What do you get when you fall in love? A case of herpes and a trip to the doctor..."
Mo: Bucky's got a good voice!
Jen: It's white trash time!
W: I don't like Bucky.
Jen: I don't like Bucky's hair.
P: Aren't you going to call it noodly?
Jen: It's more stringly than noodly.
P: I don't actually undertand noodly.
Jen: Aw, look at Mandisa! She's a hot tomato.
Mo: I like this song.
P: Go Mandisa! I miss Mandisa. And I want Clay to sing some more.
W: Maybe if you request that, it will happen.
[Debate over whether the jewelry is from Harry Winston or Claire's Accessories.]
Jen: I also like how all the dresses, you can't wear underwear with. Wait, is that Ryan Seacrest?
Abby: That's Elliott!
W: Who looks like a bat.
P: It's my last chance! [FTT FTT FTT FTT]
Jen: What the hell was that?
P: My bat impression.
Jen: Of what?
P: Of... a bat.

[Kevin begins singing]
Jen: Chicken Little has never seen a pussycat.
[Laughter]
Jen: Pickler's like "I like to go up and down!"
P: Oh my god, I want Ace and Chris to make out.
Jen: Chicken Little's like, "I'll hold the video camera."
P: Pretty Ace.
Jen: They're all wearing pocket squares! That's precious!
W: That's the Dunkleman!
[We all begin spontaneously singing along when we hear "Close To You"]
W: There's nothing better than a Burt Bacharach medley.
P: That's possibly true.
Jen: That's really true.
[Dionne Warwick]
W: I thought she was dead!
Jen: They pried her out of her coffin for this.
W: She's wearing her coffin garb.
Jen: I didn't know they had proms in the DMV.
P: She's not necessarily going to the DMV.
Jen: It's true. She could be up there with Elvis. And Mozart. And Kurt Cobain.
W: What a crazy-ass sountrack that would be.

[Pie, Weet, and Jen SQUEE when we hear "That's What Friends Are For"]
W: We are retarded.
Jen: I have goosebumps.
[Singalong commences. It involves hand gestures and embracing.]]
Abby: [rolls her eyes]
W: [raises glass] To Burt Bacharach!
Jen & Pie: [raise glasses] to Burt!
W: We don't believe the rumors about you and Ernie!

[Commercials]
W: I don't need results. It could end right there, with "That's What Friends Are For."
[Ace and Chris hug in slow motion. Pie demands rewinding.]
Jen: There was definite crotch bumping there. Rooster pecking.
P: That was hot.
Jen: Aren't Brokeback jokes over?
P: SO over. But if Chris and Ace make out as a result, I don't care.
Jen: BrokeNOTE Mountain. That's comedy.
W: I just can't quit you, Ryan Seacrest.

[Cowboy medley]
Jen: I can't believe they're desecrating cowboy hats like this.
[Esteban comes home]
[Madness ensues]
[Lots of people yell "PIE!"]
Jen: I'm pressing my boob against your arm.
P: Yay!
Jen: You're putting that on the internet.
W: It's the big moment!
P: Taylor's gonna win.
Jen: Already?
P: I kind of forgot that there were going to be results.
Jen: I don't want it to end! I never want it to end!
[Prince appears, and there is much screaming, even more than for Clay.]
W: IT IS PRINCE. IT IS MOTHERPEEPING PRINCE.
Jen: HOLY... What am I supposed to say?
P: Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology.
Jen: HOLY TOM CRUISE'S BELIEFS... THING!
Abby: It would be cool if he did Kiss!
W: That would be cool!
P: This is the best television program in the history of the world.
W: This is the best finale ever!
Jen: I want to be so famous that I get hula girls.
[Jen waves her arms. Jen and Abby clap maniacally.]
W: Those doors keep opening and better people keep coming out!
Jen: Next it will be Jesus!

[Jen fu bounces and claps and does the robot.]
Esteban: It's like a couch orgasm over there.
[Jen and Weet sing randomly]
P: I have no idea what's going on.

[Commercials]
[Time of my life]
Jen: This is a very meaningful song, because it is the time of his life.
P: Another great dress.
Jen: Nobody puts her in the corner! Whoever she is.
W: He's Taylorizing this song.
[Singalong. Dancing. Jen fu and Weet begin humping.* Jen fu runs towards Weetabix who attempts to lift her up.]
Pie [in the line of fire]: DEAR GOD NO!
W: The only part of this routine I remember is when she peeps it up and does the thumb thing.
[Abby joins the bizarre dance.]
[Jen fu flings herself across the chaise.]
[Pie lacks the words to describe this in any way.]

[Results]
P: Katharine looked like she already knew!
Mo: She stepped away.
P: That was very anticlimactic.
Mo: Yes exactly.
P: I think they knew it would be totally besides the point after that.
Jen: Paula's like, "I'm okay! I haven't made a drug overdose!"
[We rewind and it is very obvious that she already knew.]
Jen: Is America ready for a salt and pepper hero?
Esteban: I beg your pardon? [rubs his salt and pepper goatee]
W: I find salt and pepper sexy.
Jen: But does America find it sexy?
Esteban: Hell yeah! You should see what happens when I'm on the road?
Abby: HAAAA!
W: You don't even know why that's funny.
Esteban: [Cartman voice] PIE!
Abby: PIE!
Jen: Get your... Pickler buttons in the kitchen and make me some pie!
P: Aw,. I love Taylor. I'm happy. He does make me proud. I love the people with the upside down sign.
Jen: Well, it's Birmingham.
P: Racist!
Jen: Paula's like, "I like sparkly things! Shiny explosions!"
P: That's her "you're my friend!" clap.
Jen: It's a bad sign when the American Idol can't upstage the fireworks. It's a bad sign for him.
[Ace and Bucky rush Taylor]
Jen: They're like, "quick, rub the fame off him! Give us some of that!"
P: That was awesome. That was the best show ever. Clay was there.
Jen: That's all you care about. Your real fiance.

[We devolve into a lot of drunk squealing and wrestling around on the floor.]
[A few minutes later, we realize that we were so distracted by our commentary that we actually somehow missed the reveal and David Hasselhoff in the audience crying because Taylor won. We are somehow technically stupid. Our last Weetapidol ever and we peeped it all up. Ah well.]
[Weetapidol out]


*(Edited by Weet: we were NOT humping. It was very tasteful DANCING. Artistic dancing, even.)