Wednesday, May 10, 2006

Top 4 Results of Tragedy

The Weety half of Weetapidol here, ready for what I fear will be a hyooge upset night. Who will fail? Who, America? Ryan beseeches you to live, god damn you, live! Sorry, we've had a gigantic bottle of Reisling Spatlese and a ton of carbs (Esteban made pasta, so I countered with high octane cherry pie), so we're a little punchy.

Pie: (asks from the bathroom) Ryan still looks like an undertaker?
Weet: Yeah, he's all in black.
P: Because Elvis is still dead.
W: Elvis has left the building.

(Recap)
W: Elliott makes porny faces when he sings.
P: He does and he's not attractive enough to get away with it.
W: It's too bad because I like Elliott.
P: I do too but...
Ryan: but it's not his decision, it's yours America.
P: Elliott's such an underdog in this competition. You said that last night, but it's true. He's so small next to the other guys. Oh my god, Paula's sitting in Simon's lap.
W: (guffaws) (yes, guffaws)
P: Now that we've introduced crust back into our lives, it's sort of sad that it's going to be gone. It turns out that unpie is just not as good as pie with a crust.
W: No, sadly not. I think the sugar helps a lot too.
P: What just happened there is that you typed it before you said it.
W: No, I was typing "with a crust" when I was saying it.
P: Oh, it sounded like you were reading it.
W: I'm sort of disturbed that my normal manner of speaking sounds like I'm reading from a teleprompter.
P: No, I think you're just sort of thinking as you were typing. Oh, they're doing a commercial!
W: Oh god. Elliott's lost control of his hose!
P: They all look unbearably stupid in this commercial and it just keeps getting worse.
W: Kermit?
P: That was just... embarassing.

(back from commercials)
P: Ryan's got a tie tack again. It's so sparkly. I just want to loosen his tie, it's just wrong.
W: Eeek.
P: Priscilla Presley is just so weird. She can't even move her face. What must it be like to have your entire life recollecting your life with this guy who is like, so bigger than life now that you just spend your time talking about mundane stuff. I don't know.
W: Isn't that what blogging is about?
P: Yeah, but that's our lives, not, you know, things that happened on the sofa of the Jungle Room forty years ago.
(Lisa Marie Presley comes on)
P: She always looks so stoned.
W: I know. Like, hung over.
P: Chris and his wallet chain. I would grab it and pull him right off the cart.
(Group sing)

W: Elliot's so good!
P: Pretty good!
W: Hi, I'm Katharine and I'm the token T&A.
P: Pardon me while I fling my ass into the camera. Actually, I kind of love them all. I love Taylor with the claw, I love Elliot. Clearly I love Chris and I kind of love Katharine and the T&A in the camera. It's kind of unfair to be able to sing that well and be so pretty.
W: God, I just had this weird Donnie and Marie flashback.
(Chris starts)
W: (gasps)
P: (fans self) Oh Chris.
W: (pants)
P: Oh TAYLOR! We have to rewind that (we rewind) He has the biggest douche face ever.
W: (laughs) Oh my god, "love me tender... I'm a douche"
P: We're going to alienate all the Taylor fans, but that was definitely a douchey face.
W: God, are they still singing?
P: Yup. Look at them! They're just having so much fun! Dance, little Taylor and Kat!
W: Chris is wearing the WC.
P: Yes he is. That was probably my favorite American Idol medley ever!

(back from commercials)

W: Jerry O'Connell... the luckiest former fat kid ever.
P: What kind of sexist bullshit is that? You've got to have your ring on, Rebecca Romijn, otherwise we can't tell whose property you are!
(Rebecca Romijn requests that Taylor sing Jailhouse Rock)
P: What the hell is this? Does this mean that he's in the bottom two?
W: I don't know.
P: I don't know either, but I'm going to dance anyway. Wait, I can because I'm not typing! (wiggles bottom) I'm going to dance with my BUTT!
W: It's like we have Abby again.
P: Heh, yeah!
W: And we GAVE YOU SUGAR!
P: Oh YEAH! Apparently you shouldn't give me sugar either. Wait, there's only 8 minutes left. They're just going to be like "Chris you're gone! Bye!"

(Ryan quickly splits them up, looking at Chris and Kat when he says "bottom two" and at Taylor and Elliott when he says "Top two")

P: Oh my god, he just totally gave that away.
W: I know!
P: There's only six minutes left! Well, at least I got to dance.

(Commercials)
W: (during cough drop commercial) I'm sort of freaked out by talking heads like that. Well, not David Bryne.
P: (commercials for Big Momma's House) That looks great.
W: Great like great? Or Great like 'great, fat jokes for 102 minutes'?
P: That one.
W: What do you think about the Mondavi Botritys?
P: Not appreciably better than our fake Dolce.
W: Not twenty dollars better.
P: No, I agree.

(back)
P: Only two minutes! I don't think you have time for these mind games.
W: Ryan should not play poker. He totally gave that away.
P: This is sad. I don't know what to say. Dial Idol was right, though. Again. People need to stop doubting Dial Idol.
W: They were my original prediction for top two.
Ryan: Chris, you are going home.
W: (gasp)
P: NOOOooooooOOOOO.
W: (stunned silence)
P: (keening sounds from chaise)
W: (more silence)
P: No! I'm so sad! How could Chris be going home? It's so sad. Oh Chris, you're so pretty, I'm so sorry to see you going home.
W: I'm so sick of the bad day song.
P: (about Chris' wife) I can't believe she gets to fuck Chris on a regular basis.
W: They switched the Bad Day song so that it's acoustic. In theory, it's more painful now.
P: I'm in pain. WHAT ABOUT THE CHRIS LIGHTS? Oh Chris. I'm really sad. I mean, I do like them all but...
W: This is like Dave and Lori all over again!
P: It's worse! We're not even going to hear him sing.
W: I think he's crying. He's got the thick manly crying throat going on.
P: It's too sad. I'm just so sad we don't get to hear him sing next week. No more Chris Daughtry MP3s!
W: (sniffs)
P: WHAT HAVE YOU DONE, AMERICA!? What have you done. First my class ends and now this. How much is a girl supposed to take?


We'll figure out the pool after we're done sitting shiva for Chris. Weetapidol will be rocking ourselves to sleep tonight.

This week:
12 points: Bailey
11 points: Merr, the parakeets, Martha
10 points: Ana, Pie, Weet, Trance, Celine, Shmuel, and Editrix

Standings:
96 points: Ana, Martha, Pie
95 points: Trance
93 points: Celine,Bailey
91 points: Editrix
90 points: Shmuel
83 points: Weet
81 points: parakeets
80 points: Merr

Mopie's heart:
BROKEN

Abby:
Crying

America:
STUPID.

21 Comments:

Anonymous Trance said...

I AM JUST MOTHERFUCKING SHOCKED.

WTF????

6:39 PM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I knew of only you who would understand my pain about tonight's results!! I'm going to get ice cream now...

6:40 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

OH MY GOD.

Excuse me while I go weep in a corner.

6:42 PM  
Anonymous shannon said...

Wow. I thought for sure he would go all the way. I'm sure he's signing a contract right now, though. He'll be back. Don't worry.

6:46 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

Yeah but I don't care about that, if I can't download his Idol MP3s. MP3s are PURE and UNSULLIED and I am SAD SAD SAD.

6:56 PM  
Blogger V'ron said...

... And there's always the Tour. At least that's what i told my weeping (then) 6 year old when Constantine got kicked off last year.

6:57 PM  
Blogger eliza said...

How can Weetapidol even continue without Chris? This is appalling. How can any of the other three possibly match what an awesome actual stud rocker he could be in real life and not just on this crap show? I can't believe I am so indignant, but I am. I honestly feel like barfing! This is too much. This is like Tamyra getting kicked off, times one billion. Thank God you're there to give voice to my anguish, Weetapidol.

7:29 PM  
Blogger bowling with no panties said...

This is the SICKEST, WRONGEST THING EVER!!! Did you see how appalled Simon was? He agrees, this is just SICK and WRONG. SICK. WRONG. I gasped so hard I hurt my sternum.

I'm just HORRIFIED. I know that Chris will find himself a band and a record deal, there's no way he won't, but there's NO PEEPING WAY IN THE DMV THAT McBEAVER DESERVES TO BEAT CHRIS NO WAY NO WAY!!

I'm sorry, I'm losing it over here. I'm weeping into the hem of my pinafore.

I, TOO, am sick of the Had A Bad Day song. It sucks harder than AMERICA TONIGHT.

7:49 PM  
Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

Katherine McFee makes good TV--T&A. She has dodged the bullet big time for the last two weeks and she knows it.

I live in Sherman Oaks, home town of the McBeever. I can tell you there are signs and buttons and crap all over here. The other day I was driving down the street and thought for sure that I'd been teleported to middle America. (My apologies to everyone in a flyover state.)

I'm sorry, we just don't behave that way in L.A.

I do believe that Chris' downfall may have been the Anorak yesterday. What was that about?

11:35 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

I'm sorry, Chris. It was me. I swore my allegiance to you last week and ... it's all my fault.

Kat, I swear my allegiance to you. You are my new Chris, who was my new Paris, who was my new Kellie, who was my new Ace, who was my new Bucky.

4:20 AM  
Anonymous PENG1N said...

I literally sat there with my jaw on the ground... I absolutely can NOT believe it!!

I have a theory... I think everyone was so sure that Chris was a lock that they didn't bother voting. They just voted to keep their second favorite on.

I makes me almost sick to think about Chris not being there. But I must admit, it sure makes things interesting now... but very sad!

5:54 AM  
Anonymous Ana said...

Admittedly my reaction was largely affected by PMS, but upon hearing that Chris was off, I shed actual tears. Or perhaps I was just as inebriated as Paula appeared to be. Maybe a little of both. At any rate, Chris (and his hybrids, because that's what they are called these days) will indeed be missed. May he get snapped up immediately for a deal and realize wild success.

6:29 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WHAT THE SHIT!?

Sick and wrong all over the place.

S

7:07 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Let me just say this now for the record:

Kat will NOT WIN. T&A will only get you so far. And AI has already had more women win than men so it's going to a man this time.

Secondly, Elliot is too ugly to win. He will not look good on a cd cover, I'm sorry. Yeah his voice is okay, but still, not cute enough to win.

It's going to be Taylor for the win. He probably has the largest fan base that spans from the youngins to older adults. My 13 year old loves him, I love him and my MOM loves him. So yeah. It will be Taylor for the win and I'm stoked about that.

Now America just needs to make that happen.

S

7:12 AM  
Anonymous lisa-marie said...

Oh, man, I did NOT see that coming! I figured Chris would freakin' WIN this thing! Damn!

7:58 AM  
Anonymous Kat said...

I would have commented sooner, but I've just now emerged from my semi-comatose state of utter shock and disbelief over the loss of Chris. I still can't find the proper words to accurately describe this abomination.

I will say, however, that the remaining shows are gonna blow. The other three contestants have done well in the past because they had to in order to compete with Chris. Now, with Chris gone, there's no one to set the bar. And they'll all give average, boring (or, in Taylor's case, goofy) performances that won't compel anyone to pick up the phone and vote. I don't think we'll be hearing Ryan say anything like, "a record eleventy gazillion votes were cast" any more this season.

This sucks, man.

11:37 AM  
Blogger mo pie said...

I know how you feel. I personally plan to start rooting for Elliott. It's cool that the bat-looking guy with the great voice has made it this far.

11:42 AM  
Anonymous Martha said...

Wow. OK, everyone here is going to hate me and I'm sorry.... in advance.

Up until this past Tuesday night I was CERTAIN Chris would win this show. After his performances that night, all I could say was "meh". And as I sat down to watch the show last night with three friends I said "Chris is going tonight." Not one of them believed me.

So, why did he go? I bet it's true that those who thought he would win didn't feel they needed to vote. But I also don't think he's necessarily better than the other three contestants. Yes, the man is absolutely f'n hot, and he has a great voice, but I don't think he's shown enough variety in his performances, nor has he shown enough range.

It's such an interesting show this year. During past shows, I've been devastated when certain people got voted off (i.e. Tamyra Gray), but this time, as quite a few people have been saying, this is a really talented group of kids and I'll be happy with whoever wins - Taylor, Elliott or Kathryn.

Plus, I think all four in the top four will do well after the show.

1:29 PM  
Blogger mo pie said...

Martha, I do agree with many of your points. I'm just selfishly sad that I don't get to see Chris perform three songs next week, since he was my favorite. But yeah, I think for the first time, we had a really talented top four. Top five, even, was really good, all deserving, and the whole "it's anyone's game" quality of the show now makes it pretty interesting.

1:36 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

I'm with you, Pie. Elliott is now the guy I'm pulling for, although it won't be with the same frenzied excitement as it was with Chris. Funny, early on I didn't like Elliott at all. But somehow, throughout the course of the competition, the little troll has sort of grown on me.

If I had any resolve at all, I'd boycott the show for the rest of the season. But I'm much too addicted at this point to quit cold turkey.

So, Elliott it is -- bat ears, Pez teeth and all.

2:01 PM  
Blogger Weetablog said...

I'm telling you, the glasses were a mistake and he's paying for it now. He should have stuck with hot, chainy accessories and left the mostly clear sunglasses to Bono.

2:13 PM  

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