Tuesday, May 09, 2006

4 Unlawful Carnal Knowledge

Pie: Tonight is Elvis night. I fall squarely on the Beatles side of the Elvis vs. Beatles debate. Weetabix?
Weet: I'm all for the Beatles. No, wait, I prefer them equally. No, I love the Beatles more, because they have an accent.
P: Ladies and gentleman, we are drinking Evolution. Because Evolution and Elvis both start with an E.
W: This is gonna be a trainwreck.

[Show begins.]

W: "Hi, I'm Ryan Seacrest and I'd like to help you buy your house. One percent below prime."
P: "He looks like an undertaker."
W: "I'm sorry for your loss, America."
P: "He looks like Undertaker Ken. It's so not him. At all."
W: "Three-piece suit and a bit of a five o'clock shadow."
P: "I love how the producers are trying to class it up."
W: "And Randy can't even be bothered to button his shirt all the way."

[Visit to Graceland.]

P: "All I can think about when I see Graceland is Spinal Tap. That's my only frame of reference."
W: "Oh my god, the Joker greets them?"
P: "Priscilla Presley's like Katharine McPhee in 50 years with all the Botox in the world."
W: "Put her too close to a flame, and she'll melt. Watch out, Katharine."
Tommy Mottola: Elvis is the reason I got into the music business.
W: "Really? I thought it was to get into Mariah's... uh, we don't have a code for that."
P: "Hee."
W: "Plus, a black velvet blazer and an off-black buttoned up polo shirt? Didn't Mariah teach him anything?"
P: "Well, yes. That's the problem."

Taylor, "Jailhouse Rock"
P: "This is either going to be really good or really funny."
W: "He looks like he's got the poops."
P: "Aw, he's so in his element."
W: "This is definitely his genre."
P: "I feel the need to dance!"
W: "So does Taylor, apparently. He's good. That little knee thing he was doing was adorable."
P: "Knee thing?"
W: "Like a crab, kind of."
P: "You mean like a crab... with CLAWS?"
W: "Perchance. Perchance I do mean that."
P: "Hee."
W: "What the hell does Paula have tied around her neck?"
P: "I disagree with Simon tonight. I actually really enjoyed it."
W: "I have no response."
P: "Taylor is dressed like a Graceland undertaker. Tommy Mottola was also dressed like an undertaker."
W: "I'm sensing a theme. Is this because Elvis is dead?"

Pie: I will give him an ei... ni... an 8.5.
Weet: I will give him a 7.

Chris, "Suspicious Minds"
[Chris mentions his underwear.]
W: "Wow. Fame has gone to Chris's head."
P: "I'm still thinking about his underwear, what?"
W: "Oh, so why the Beatles and Elvis? I thought it was Elvis and the Stones you had to choose between."
P: "No, it's totally the Beatles."
W: "Yeah, that makes sense. Chris lights! Millions of Chris lights! And he's wearing Bono glasses. The fame has gone to his head. Or the Chris lights have gone too much to his head. Wallet chain! W.C.!"
P: [Typing frantically]
W: "I don't think America will like this. America likes it when you look into the camera and tell them that they're pretty. Right now the glasses are distancing him from us, and saying he's better than us."
P: "I actually wish they were opaque. The transparent glasses are a little creepy."
W: "You know they are a little creepy. I think this is going to affect him adversely. But it's a concession so he can still look into the camera and say, 'You're sort of pretty, America.'"
P: "And yet not be blinded by Chris lights. Maybe they're going to go for Chris nuclear explosions this week."
W: "A Chris mushroom cloud."
P: "Let's rewind and hear him sing. Because I find him pretty."
W: "Chris and I know the truth about who you find pretty."
P: "I like the way Chris fondles the microphone."
W: "Why is he dressed like it's 40 degrees in the studio? Or is it an asbestos jacket so he doesn't combust from the Chris lights?"
P: "I think the Chris lights are the explanation to everything. To his entire ensemble. Except it doesn't explain the giant silver thing around his neck."
W: "I know. It's like he's Lex Luthor and that's his kryptonite."
P: [confused look]
W: "Pendant."
P: "A rare Weetabix joke misfire."
W: "I'm sorry, it was the Chris lights."
P: "He's like, making out with the microphone."
W: "OH! He took the glasses off to wink!"
P: "To wink and point!"
W: "It's a Picklerism!"
P: "It's an Ace-ism!"
W: "Oh god, I hope he shows us a scar in a minute!"
P: "That was hot."
W: "OH MY GOD, his mother is Cruella DeVil."
P: "She really is!"
W: "Where are the puppies?"
P: "That was awesome. I continue to love Chris."

Pie: I will resist the temptation to give him a 10, and give him a 9.
Weet: I'm saying a solid 9. It wasn't as hot as that one week where he did the screams that made me ovulate.
Pie: Why am I not surprised that Ryan knows all there is to know about men's underwear?
Weet: Why am I not surprised that Ryan's been thinking about it the whole song?

Elliott, "I Can Dream"
P: "And... we have undertaker again."
W: "Let me show you this tasteful selection of urns."
P: "He's got kind of a nice voice. I feel like this is the first time I've noticed it."
W: "You just figured that out? He's great! He's kind of the little engine that could. The little Elliott that could."
P: "I would love for him to make the finals."
W: "The problem is, I can't see anyone wanting to have sex with him. Then again, I can't see anyone wanting to have sex with Clay Aiken either."
P: "I do."
W: [stunned silence]
P: "What?"
W: "Be sure to blog my stunned silence."
P: "Okay."
W: "This totally doesn't sound like an Elvis song."
P: "No, but it's nice."
W: "I can see why Elliott picked it."
P: "I worry for Elliott, but I hope he doesn't go home."
W: "Come on, who else is going to go home? Face it, he's the underdog right now."

Pie: I will say, another very enjoyable performace. An 8.
Weet: Yeah. I'll match your 8. And I think they're pimping Elliott a lot.
Pie: I like his giant shiny tie.
Weet: Elliot's ties are always bigger than Ryan's.

Katharine, "Hound Dog/All Shook Up"
W: "That's a good blend of songs."
Tommy Mottola: Katharine really scored big with me.
W: "That's because he wants to score big with her. I love her shirt."
P: "I love her shirt too."
W: "It's so much better than the rope dress. Oh! She touched the McBeaver!"
P: "I think that might have been a yeast infection reference. She mentioned itching!"
W: "Really??"
[We rewind]
P: "She did! She sang 'I'm itching like a girl' and then scratched the McBeaver.'"
W: "She's itching like a girl on an FDS commercial. And she just screwed up the words."
[We rewind and confirm this as well.]
W: "God I love that shirt."
P: "I want that shirt."
P: "This song is great for her voice."
W: "She reminds me of Catherine Zeta-Jones in Chicago."
P: "God, she's great. And she's a great performer."
W: "Her makeup's great too."
P: "So is the color of her jeans."

Pie: I will give her an 8 also. I'm just kind of confused how to compare these.
Weet: If she hadn't dropped the line, I would have given her a 9. But I give her an 8.5.

Taylor, "In The Ghetto"
P: "He asked Lisa-Marie out on a date?
W: "Isn't Lisa-Marie a little young for you, Taylor?"
P: "Here's the song you wanted, 'In The Ghetto'! I think Tommy might want Taylor ro go home."
W: "Well, I hate it already. He's not really feeling it. He's not feeling his momma crying for this little baby born in the ghetto."
P: "He's way better when he's being a spaz."
W: "I actually don't think his voice is strong enough for this song. That's my problem with this."
P: "He looks uncomfortable."
W: "He just went off key badly, didn't he?"
P: "I don't know..."
W: "And the posture he just did was like, yeah, well..."
P: "And Randy loves it. Am I here right now?"
W: "Maybe Simon will save us. And Paula's neck lanyard is tied much too tight. And Simon loved it. I don't get it!"
P: "Me neither."
W: "Is this like last week when Simon said the opposite of what he meant? Is this opposites day on American Idol?"

Pie: A 6.
Weet: A 6 also.

Chris, "A Little Less Conversation"
W: "I enoy the songs from movies. I hope Ann Margaret comes out and dances in capris. That would make my night, now that I got my 'In The Ghetto' wish."
P: "I like any song that Chris sings."
W: "Oh, I love his shirt."
P: [moans]
W: "And he's got it unbuttoned where you can see his rooster. I think they fired the shit-in-the-pockets guy."
P: [more moaning]
W: "He brought his favorite microphone with him."
P: "I love everything that Chris sings, ever. He just screamed, did you ovulate? He also turned his microphone upside down."
W: "I actually didn't like that bit. Oh, Cruella DeVil!" [singing] "Cruella DeVil... Cruella DeVil... how does the rest of it go?"
P: "...if she doesn't scare you..."
W & P: "...no evil thing will...!"

Pie: 9. And I'm having the same issue with wanting to give him a 10. For sheer hotness.
Weet: I'll give him a 9. Honestly, he's done a lot better. But I'm swayed by my emotions. Okay wait, you have to see this hip wiggle Elliott just did!
Weet: Imagine this dance being done at you across a crowded bar.
Pie: AAH!
Weet: That's the point where you call the bouncer.

Elliott, "Trouble"
W: "I think Elliott needs to button up his shirt."
P: "I'm not buying that Elliott is trouble."
W: "He's got Chris lights, though. He's borrowing Chris lights."
P: "I don't know why they keep showing the musicians."
W: "They're trying to distract from Elliott's benign non-evilness. He's the kind of trouble that would drive you to the airport really, really early."
P: "Hee."
W: "He's the kind of trouble that you would call if your car stalled."
P: "This is so frenetic, it's weird."
W: "The drummer enjoyed it."
P: "Where is Paula going?"
W: "She pushed her chair into the audience and had to retrieve it. Look at how much higher Paula's chair is than Randy's."
P: "Elliott's the kind of trouble that would push in Paula's chair for her."

Pie: I continue to be confused, and I will give him a 9.
Weet: Really? I will give him a 7. I like Elliott, I really do. I just was... not so much.

Katharine, "I Can't Help Falling In Love"
W [from the kitchen]: "Oh, I love this song."
P: "She's in the pimp spot, she's not going home."
W: "That's not true. Didn't someone go home in the pimp spot?"
P: "Anthony Federov, and I'm so sad that I know that."
W: "Oh, I meant from this season."
P: "I don't think so. Again, Katharine looks totally hot. She's even showing belly. She's making love to America with her eyes right now."
W: "Really?"
P: "Oh wait, that's not belly, that's a shirt. And she's got an awesome belt. Her last note was not good."
W: "I was not wowed. Of course, I couldn't see the belt."
P: "'Have fun for a change'? What is Paula talking about? She was writhing around on the floor last week. And I think the judges want an all-male final three. Even Ryan's on board."
W: "But we've been talking about that for a while."
P: "Katharine looks like she's already defeated."
W [returning from the kitchen]: "Yeah."

Pie: I will give her a 7.
Weet: I'll match it.

Chris: 18, 18 = 36
Elliott: 16, 16 = 32
Katharine: 14, 16.5 = 30.5
Taylor: 12, 15.5 = 27.5

Pie: We voted Taylor last, but I think Katharine might be going home.
Weet: Yeah, I think it's going to be Katharine and Elliott in the bottom two.
Pie: None of them are shitty.
Weet: No. If Pickler were still around...
Pie: Fortunately, we are free from Pickler. There's nobody to root against, though. I could start rooting against Taylor.
Weet: I don't know anyone who actually likes Taylor.
Pie: There are a lot of crazy people on the internet who like Taylor. There are a lot of crazy people on the internet, period.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

lol, funny, mostly. i think your gayness kinda brought Chris' score above Elliott's, though...

8:23 PM  
Blogger Kim said...

As resident Crazy Elvis Fan, I knew the show would either be awesome or wretched.

When I knew the theme, I immediately said Elliott should do "If I Can Dream". The first two lines were sketchy, but the rest was awesome. I agree that he is not "Trouble", but he rocked.

I actually liked Taylor's "In The Ghetto" but, you're right, it wasn't quite the sensitive socio-political commentary that Elvis made it. "Jailhouse Rock" was just alright for me. I thought "Way Down" would have been more Taylor-ish.

I enjoyed "Suspicious Minds" but "A Little Less Conversation" was not so good. For the first 3/4, it was all monotone andthen screaming and ... no.

But Kat. Oh, Kat. I liked the first, until the end and "Can't Help...", I totally agree with Simon.

5:02 AM  
Anonymous CloudFuel said...


Omg... you two crack me up... lol lol lol... I love Chris too.. but not nearly as much as you two do... and I, personally, had him a bit lower.. but yea overall GREAT f-ing review!!


5:41 AM  
Blogger bowling with no panties said...

I admit that I am one of those internet crazies. I am certifiable, yes I am. I also really like Taylor. I've said it before -- it's because the man can really play harmonica and I like the raspiness in his voice. Granted, I don't know if I would like to LISTEN to him as much as I would WATCH him. I don't think he'll win though -- that pesky marketing thing.

I have thus far managed to not get sucked into to sexual responses to Chris's singing...until LAST NIGHT. GODDDDDAAMMMNNNNNN.

First of all, I love the song "Suspicious Minds" and I love that he was all inaccessible with his Bono glasses and then whipped them off and crooned with his mouth all up on the mike which made my uterus contract. Then he threw the mike stand around which was SO BUTCH.

I loved his second song too which one could sum up by saying, "Stop talking and PUT OUT!" and MY GOD I WOULD!!

I really love Elliot's voice, I think he can sing his butt off but he's just so odd!!

I'm thinking Katherine will go home, too. I can't believe the Scientology Center is going to allow this.

6:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

Katherine is my favorite, but based on last night she deserves to go home. I normally don't love Chris (mostly on account of how he only sings one song, just with different lyrics), but last night he was actually interesting. And good like his voice normally is, but actually interesting. First time I've thought that. Though bad moves: sunglasses and 1) discussing his underwear, 2) pretending that "boxer briefs" was a code word that only his fans could crack. I usually fall asleep in the middle of Elliott's pleasant songs, but not last night. And Taylor always bugs, but I loved that he was told to turn off the histrionics for once.

8:27 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

WE LOVE TAYLOR! We want him to last longer than Kat & Bat Boy. Thank you very much :)


10:57 AM  
Anonymous Kat said...

I'm sure Chris sang well as usual, but I didn't really pay much attention to his singing last night. It really wouldn't have mattered to me if he didn't sing a single note right. Because after his little chat with Ryan, all I could do was picture him strutting around the stage in boxer-briefs.


And that, for me, made his performances the best in the history of American Idol.

12:34 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

I love you guys!!!

I'll jump on the internet bandwagon and join the crazies because after last night I'm LOVING Taylor. I thought he was absolutely amazing on "In the Ghetto".

I also loved both of Elliot's songs - I thought he rocked.

Based on last night's performances I think (don't shoot me) that Chris should go home. I think his songs kind of all sound the same. I agree with Matolla (sp?), I think he has a great voice, a radio friendly voice, but I don't think he's shown enough diversity on the show.

Katharine is still my favorite, but I don't think she sold her second song.

That said, I'll be glad no matter who wins. I think all four are talented.

Who'll go tonight???

1:46 PM  
Blogger Lauren Marie said...

EVERYONE I know who watches AI loves Taylor. Just for the record. :-) Great blog, by the way ... I'll be sad when the show ends, because then so ends the blog! And what are we going to do next season when you two are not sitting in the same room, liveblogging together?! I don't want to think about it, because it makes me sad!

7:15 PM  

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