Tuesday, May 02, 2006

Top 5 Perform

Pie here. I have to say that this is a great top five for me. Putting aside the Katharine = Scientologist thing, I think they're all very talented and I wouldn't be spitting mad if any of them won. Yet I am still rooting for Chris, the destined winner, possibly because I am American Idol's bitch. I listened to his version of "I Walk The Line" today and it gave me chills again. He does one "line" that's just hot. I don't know. Tonight we are drinking Simon Creek Viogner, eating take-out, and catching up on our weekends, which we spent tragically apart. Weetapie is stronger than the sum of its parts, although Weet and Pie are surely fabulous. Anyway, thanks for joining us for tonight's liveblog. We're at T-minus six minutes.

W: "I don't know how I feel about Seacrest's ensemble tonight."
P: "It's his tie tack that's a problem."
W: "It's like a button you push to make him shut up. I like that."
P: "Hee."
W: "Maybe it's a plug."
P: "What shit is Paula wearing around her neck?"
W: "She hit the prom sale rack at Claire's. No, what's the new Claire's now?"
P: "There's a new Claire's?"
W: "Icicle? The Icing? Icing?"
P: "If you say so."

Eliott, "On Broadway"
P: "Wait, this is an new song? I mean, I thought this was from, like the '50s. And what is he dressed as, with that shiny gold tie?"
W: "A real estate agent."
P: "It's the blazer."
W: "I thought 'On Broadway' was old."
P: "I know! He's a really good singer though."
W: "They did a little bit of Chris lights there. Just a little."
P: "Ace is there! Yay! I get to see him look pretty, but I don't have to hear him sing. And again, Ryan and Elliott look like they're going to the prom."
W: "It's the ties. Although clearly Elliott has more girth."
Pie [starts typing]
W: "You cannot blog that."
P: "Okay."
W: "I talk about cocks too much as it is!"
P: "I have to blog it now."

Score:
Pie: I give him an 8.
Weet: I give Elliott a 6. I think he's done so much better.

Paris, "Kiss"
W: "We are fucking old. Paris was conceived three years after I had my first kiss."
P: "That means you could be Paris's mother. She has great shoes."
W: "I could have been Paris's mother. But I would have had her in pageants by the age of four."
P: "I don't know how to spell pageants."
W: "P-A-G-E-A-N-T-S."
P: "Okay, that's how I spelled it. It looks weird though."
W: "I don't know if I like the shoes. I don't like the shirt. I like the necklace though. It's a good homage to Prince."

Score
Pie: 7.
Weet: I am totally biased against Paris and this song. Because I love how Prince does it. I love how Tom Jones does it. She isn't even close. I'm giving her a 5.

Chris, "Renegade"
W: "Elliott's older than Chris?
P: "Wow. He's hot."
W: "Yeah."
P: "Chris lights!"
W: "This is a good song for him. W.C.! W.C.!"
P: "Wait, rewind. I need to see it again."
W: [singing] "Oh say can you W.C.? By the dawn of Chris lights..."
P: [fans self] "Again, I would like to fuck him."
W: "I would like one more button to come off his shirt. And he looks like he would have good legs. I like legs."
P: "DAMN, he's good. I don't even know this song, and it's great."
W: "I think three girls in the audience just got pregnant off of that."

Score:
Pie: I'm giving him a 10.
Weet: Yeah. Apparently I'm not that tired. 10.

Katharine, "Against All Odds"
P: "They're talking about the McBeaver?"
W: "Yeah!"
P: "Against All Odds? Oh god."
W: "Good God, she's wearing, like, metallic eye shadow."
P: "I love that dress. I LOVE that dress."
W: "I like the dress. I don't like the eye shadow at all. And she's wearing an opaque tight. I'm sorry, but the opaque tight is undoing all the belty goodness of the dress."
P: "Show off!"
W: "Yeah. Glory note!"
P: "Kelly Clarkson didn't need to do all the glory notes to be good. 'Take a luke at me now.'"
W: "I didn't like the luke. Luke, I am your father."
P: "As usual, 'you look stunning' is Paula's code for 'you sucked.' I think Simon just called it the best when he meant worst. And Katharine said thanks!"
W: "Yeah. He said best and he meant worst."
P: "Still loving that dress."
W: "It's doing an unfortunate roll thing."
P: "I unabashedly love it."

Score:
Pie: 5, it wasn't that good.
Weet: I gave Paris a 5? Yes, I'll give that about a 5.

Taylor, "Play That Funky Music"
P: "Taylor should be doing... wait, what's a song from the 1800s?"
W: "'A Bicycle Built For Two'? 'Down By The Old Mill Stream'? 'Rule Brittania'?"
P: [Laughs hysterically.]
DUE TO TECHNICAL DIFFICULTIES, WE MISS TAYLOR'S PERFORMANCE ENTIRELY

Score:
None.

Elliott, "Home"
W: "That's a top 10? From the Adult Contemporary, People With No Lives list. Elliot, don't sit on the stool? That's the stool of death."
P: "He changed?"
W: "They always change when they do two songs."
P: "He seems more confident tonight, though. I have never heard this song in my life."
W: "No. He's got a pocket square, though. He's got a Dunkelman."
P: "Maybe it's a Dunklelman of death. He's got a nice voice, though. He's back to looking like a bat."
W: "It was like a Marx routine, right now. And oh my god, Paula's laughing gas has just kicked in."
P: "Yeah it has."
W: "I did not so much enjoy it. But I enjoy his crazy little gargoyle mother."
P: "I think they've all just lost their minds, collectively."
W: "I like Paula's shirt, though, I'd like to say."

Score:
Weet: A 6. It worked very well with this muscat.
Pie: I will match your 6.

Paris, "We Without You"
W: "I never knew camo could go with shiny satin."
PL "It doesn't really go with shiny satin."
W: "And the Flash Gordon belt? Not so much. I like the song though."
P: "I don't like that she's wrapped her lower body in tinfoil."
W: "It makes her butt look like a baked potato! That's exactly what that is."
P: "Slap some chives on her."
W: "Some costumer backstage has still not gotten past their stableboy obsession. Because I don't think jodphurs have ever had a place in hip-hop."

Score:
Pie: A 7 I guess.
Weet: I agree. She's a 7. That was much better than the previous one.
Pie: Nobody's holding a candle to Chris.

Chris, "I Dare You"
W: "Now his Chris lights have been turned to fire because he is SO FUCKING HOT. He has ignited the Chris lights! What was fuck again?"
P: "Peep."
W: "He is so peeping hot. I want to keep the code going."
P: "I love the code."
W: "Look at all the fire on the stage!"
P: "And his smoldering gaze."
W: "It's something about the way he holds the microphone."
P: "And he's got such a good voice."
W: "I've actually heard this song, and I like his version better."
[Chris hits an amazing note.]
P: "Oh my god."
W: "He just won."
P: "I'm having an orgasm listening to him right now."
W: "I might have to go to Idols Live. He is so the chosen one."
P: "And I don't care, because he is molten hot."

Score:
Pie: I give him.. a 10 again. I don't know what the judges are talking about.
Weet: I will give him a 9, because he did not bring me to ultimate pleasure like he did last time.
Pie: I felt the ultimate pleasure.

Katharine, "Black Forest Of The Cherry Tree"
W: "She's got the ethnic men. She's got Chris's ethnic men."
P: "I like her shirt."
W: "She's kind of sexing up the joint."
P: "She's always sexing up the joint."
W: "But... in a stripper way, kind of."
P: "I don't know how much more stripper you can get than the McBeaver."
W: "But that was just a flash. Now she's writhing on the ground! They're going to lower a pole any second."
P: "I bet you a million dollars Simon loved that."
W: "Yeah. That's what he meant by 'I watched it again.' He watched the McBeaver."

Score:
Pie: 8, that was much better.
Weet: A strong 8. A snowman. I'm matching your snowman.

Taylor, "Something"
P: "We've gotta pay attention to Taylor this time, because we missed it last time."
W: "We'll download it."
P: "Ryan's kind of presenting his rooster at this point."
W: "A Beatles song? And it's in the top 10?"
P: "This is the song from the year he was born."
W: "How did they totally loophole this, that he's singing this?"
P: "I don't think this is really to his advantage, because he's not doing so well--HE HAS LASERS?"
W: "No, it's a violin bow, and it looks like a penis. I talk about penises a lot on Weetapidol."
P: "And a grateful nation thanks you."
W: "These are the green lights of unattractiveness. This is the subtle way that they totally influence the voters. It's like when they want to make the prostitutes go away, they change the lights to green."
P: "Wait, I have to blog this. Prostitutes and green lights?"
W: "Yeah, that's why the red light district is red. Because it makes you look better."
P: "Seriously, who knew?"
W: [raises hand]
P: "So the green lights are a conspiracy?"
W: "Yes, and the average 15-year-old Ammberreleighh won't pick up on that."
[Weetabix spells Ammberreleighh]
P: "I did not find it that exciting."
W: "No. I agree with Simon. I feel pandered to."
[Ryan mentions 'happy endings.']
W & P: "HAHAHAHAHA!"
W: [playing with one of Abby's action figures] "I can put an entire man into my mouth."
P: "What?"
W: "Nothing."
P: "I'm blogging that."

Score:
Pie: I give him a 5.
Weet: 6.

Totals:
Chris: 39 points
Elliott: 26 points
Paris: 26 points
Katharine: 24
Taylor: 11 plus the mystery score of the performance we haven't seen, but we'll just multiply it by two and say 22.

8 Comments:

Anonymous Celine said...

There is so much to comment on tonight that I could write an entire damn entry. However, I will keep this as brief as possible.

Elliott: The boy has a good voice but he always looks kind of stunned or something. And that second song of his (that you ladies didn't like) was by the world's most annoying Canadian singer. I hate it. But I don't hate Elliott. He'll do.

Paris: I realized tonight that I don't love her voice. For someone who has such a crazy peeping high speaking voice, she sings eerily low. And I am wih you on the metallic flood doodads - gotsta GO.

Katharine: So her first performance was complete shit...er..Tom Cruise's belief in Scientology. I hated it. The second one was totally sexed up and rocked. I dug the wacko drums.

Taylor: The claw was out in full force tonight. You missed very little except for shitty dancing in the first "number". I have nothing else to say about this.

Chris: Vanessa Williams and I are all about saving the best for last. Seriously, this man makes me weak. Peep Ace's prettiness, Chris has got it going ON. I listened to his "to really love a woman" performance again from last week and I think that I will require that song being played anytime I *ahem* make love *ahem* in the future. He kicked buttons tonight, what can I say?

And as a final sidebar to the ladies behind Weetapidol: I am supremely disappointed that you don't speak in the code at all times. God knows I do.

7:02 PM  
Anonymous Cindy said...

I think the song Katherine sang is, "Black Horse and the Cherry Tree." I don't remember the forests of which you speak.

12:02 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Kat ... Oy. The first one was not good. Scott Savol did it better last season. But she rocked #2, which is "Black Horse & the Cherry Tree.

For the first time, I was bored by Chris. It was like the same song in different colors.

Andz I LOVED Taylor doing "Play That Funky Music White Boy".

4:23 AM  
Blogger Bozoette said...

I love you guys.

7:06 AM  
Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

Alas, I have to agree with Kim here on the Chris issue. He was snooze city last night. Sexy...hell yes! But boring.

McBeever really screwed up that first song but rocked on the second one--despite the fact that it's the stupidest song I've ever heard.

Ladies, you were on the money with Paula at a Claire's "prom rack". My 10 year old loved her bling. Need I say more?

Paris: step away from the accessories. I did think that the camo went with the shiny pants but...shiny, camo, earrings, necklace, bracelets, and belt...a few too many things going on.

10:30 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

I can't stop laughing long enough to type! Ah! It's gotten to the point where we tape Idol so we can read you first and THEN watch it with your comments floating in our brains.

Taylor was hillarious! He and Ryan were laying on the floor together after his song!

S

11:33 AM  
Blogger bowling with no panties said...

First of all I have to say that I am furious that these Idol kids were singing songs that had very SPECIFIC memories for me. This means that I am old and I do not appreciate having this fact pointed out to me by the Chris Lights.

Elliot -- that dear boy. I love him AND his trollish mother and I love his voice. I think he'll get through to at least the top 3.

Paris -- Girlfriend -- put the Prince down and back away slowly. Don't touch the Prince. The Prince doesn't like it when you butcher his music. He is going to send kozmic purple death rays from his mansion in Minneapolis.

Paris did all right with the Mary J. song, but I gotta say it out loud, it's not hard to sing a Mary J. song because despite the soul/pain and over all awesomeness of Mary J. Blige, she has about a 12 note range.

Katherine "No Obvious Cleavage, No Panty Flashing This Time" McPhee -- First of all, "Against All Odds" is probably one of the only Phil Collins songs I can stomach. HOWEVER I purchased the 45 to this song and played it over and over while I sobbed next to my stero because Joe Casetelli broke up with me in 1984. That incident is forever wedded to the song. But on to the performance...

That was pure Kat-erwauling. She also sang it like she had no idea what the words were about. She could have been singing "Flobby flooby Plocky Plooky" and it would have sounded the same. The second song sounded better but I was not feeling the "on the knees" thing even though I'm sure that's exactly where Simon would want her. And where she'd need to be if she wanted to win this thing.

Taylor -- I know he's not everybody's cup of tea but Goddamnit I love this guy. He rocked out Play that Funky Music and he really did Something beautifully. He is so safe.

Chris -- Chris is walking SEX. I have become converted, it's the eyes. Being an old hag, I loved that he chose Styx and one of the more rockin' songs in their catalog. I never even heard the second song which I wasn't all that impressed by even though I liked the fire and the lights. Fire...pretty.

My dollar bet with Cliff is that Paris is going. He's betting on Elliot going as an upset but I don't believe it.

Oh, and COCK.

12:49 PM  
Anonymous Heidi said...

The worm turned for me last night. Although I will never stop wanting to look at Chris (sigh), I suddenly became a Taylor fan. And I think I want him to win it all. After the drippy disappointment that is Carrie Underwood I think there needs to be a shake up this year. And who better than Taylor Hicks? Maybe it was the the wacky dancing, maybe it was the Beatles, but I was swayed. And when you compare the way he works the stage to what Chris does....snoozefest. You gotta give me more than a wallet chain and gripping the mic stand with intensity.

2:21 PM  

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