Tuesday, April 18, 2006

All 7 And We'll Watch Them Fall

Tonight we're drinking wine and eating string cheese. We've had a rough day. And oh, look! The show is on!

P: "Ryan's got a weird tie."
W: "I actually like Ryan's tie. Oh, and Randy's in stripes, Paula's in a kindergarden art project, and Simon is looking cute now that I know he's a millionaire."
P: "No Dunkelman, though."
W: "I wonder if they're going to talk about the sperm-in-the-stomach urban legend, because that would rock."
P: "Wait, what!? What's the legend?"
W: "That Rod Stewart was admitted to the hospital with a quart of sperm in his stomach. I think that's like the Richard Gere gerbil thing."
P: "Yeah, that's obviously total crap."
W: "Because a quart? That's, like, everyone on the tour bus. And a very long night with nothing to do."
P: "Hee."
W: "I'm so skeeved out by Rod Stewart, I cant even explain it. He's going to eat that baby. Or marry it. Do you think that's really his hair?"
P: "I have no idea. This whole segment is creeping me out."

Chris, "What A Wonderful World"
P: "Spoilers were wrong."
W: "He might have had to change songs, though."
P: "If this was Ace, he would have to bring the baby on stage so he could point to it during 'I see babies cry.'"
W: "Hee. I like Chris's shirt in the flashback."
[Chris performs]
P: "He's dressed like a waiter."
W: "He borrowed Randy's vest. But he's got the wallet chain, keeping it real. And he's got the sleeves cuffed... he's got a very gay stylist hiding backstage."
P: "He's so soulful right now. He's trying to take Ace's votes away. With the arms too. He's like look! I have arms!"
W: "If he shows us a scar, it's over for Ace."
P: "This is the right move for him, I think."
W: "He's wearing a cravat! Oh my god, he's wearing a cravat! You can't wear a cravat and a wallet chain. It does not match. The ghost of Dunkleman has been reincarnated as a cravat. Is it more manly to be a cravat or a scarf?"
P: "I have no idea. I don't even know what a cravat is. I don't even know how to spell cravat."
W: "C-R-A-V-O-T-T-E?"
P: "Oops."*

Pie: I will give him a 7.5. I don't really like that song, but he was good.
Weet: I will give him a 9 because I like his arms. And it was a good performance. But 9 for the arms.

Paris, "Foolish Things"
P: "Why is she dressed up like she's on The Apprentice?"
W: "It's career day on American Idol. And I love her hair barette thing."
P: "I love her hair."
W: "It's great. Ooh, she's so good in rehearsal. And her mom has to be there because she's under eighteen. This is gonna be good because she does sound like Billie Holiday."
[Paris performs]
P: "Oh, she's good. She's dressed like a stewardess, though."
W: "Yeah I was gonna say the same thing! I wouldn't have worn the stewardess thing, I would have worn a floor-length '40s gown. She's got good shoes, but that jacket doesn't fit Paris right."
P: "That skirt sits really weird on her too."
W: "The whole thing just doesn't fit. But she sounds great."
P: "She sounds awesome."
W: "She does. Even though she looks like she's going for her high school mock trial championship."
P: "I just love her voice. This is my favorite Paris performance so far. Wow. And I agree with Paula about the album of standards."
Ryan: Simon is sipping the happy fuel.
P: "Is that your sperm, Ryan?"

Pie: Okay, that gets a 9 from me.
Weet: I give that a 9. It might have been a 10 had she not been wearing the crazy orange suit. The Idol Forums are gonna hate me for that.

Taylor, "You Send Me"
P: "I have to physically remind myself that he's not 40 years old. And then I forget all over again."
W: "You are older than Taylor Hicks."
P: "Oh god."
W: "But you're prettier than him too."
P: "Thanks..."
W: "They censored Rod Stewart with an American Idol symbol!"
[Taylor performs]
W: "If he could do this without gesticulating, I might be swooning a little. But he's not. So I'm not swooning. It's like swoon contraception."
P: "Aw the claw, it's back. It's the swoon prophylactic claw. And he's doing the defense for Paris's mock trial."
W: "I think he might be the judge. The costume department is having such an easy time this week. All the guys go to Brooks brothers, all the girls go to Talbots."
P: "Hee. Man, he's convulsing his way through this."
W: "Look, Paula's standing! And you can't tell. SOMEONE HAS GOT TO TRIM PAULA'S BANGS OR I WILL DO IT FOR HER."

Weet: I will give him an 8.
Pie: I give him a 7 because the spazzing out was not attractive.
Weet: That's actually why I gave him an 8.

Elliot, "It Had To Be You"
W: [Weird noise.]
P: "Was that supposed to be a bat?"
W: "It was a flock of bats. Like flock of seagulls, only bats."
[Elliot performs]
P: "Aw, look at him! All confident and charming!"
W: "And there's Dunkleman!"
P: "I don't like the lapels."
W: "But he's rocking the jeans."
P: "The jeans are good."
W: "I like the outfit. Go bat boy! I love his look."
P: "I love this song, and it gives me chills the way he sings it."
W: "I know, he's so good!"
P: "Yay Elliot! I'm so happy for him! I think it might be the wine kicking in."
W: "I'm sort of straddling the Eliot and Chris camp."
P: "I'll straddle Chris."
W: "You'll straddle Ace. And ride him like a pony."

Pie: I liked him as much as Paris. I will give him a 9.
Weet: You know what? I'm going 10. I don't give out many tens, but I'm going 10. And that may be the wine talking.

Kellie, "Bewitched, Bothered, and Bewildered"
[They cut to Kellie]
W & P: "Oh, God."
[Rod Stewart checks out Kellie's boobs.]
P: "Did Rod Stewart just check out her boobs?"
W: "Yeah he did."
[Kellie performs]
W: "And once again we have this fugly color..."
[Esteban arrives with dinner. We pause for Pad Thai. Kellie has a stupid look on her face.]

I will take this opportunity, while the television is paused, to say that when we said we drunk dialed Kim's podcast, we were not being figurative.

P: "I don't like her fake eyelashes. Or her fake everything about her ever."
Esteban: "I'm waiting for Long Dong Silver to come out and bukkake her."
W: "I'd give her a 10 if that happened."
P: "That was an off note."
W: "She almost had my admiration there. It was doing well until the end, where it fell apart. She started really well. And she's wincing! She knows."
P: "Paula always does this when someone does bad. She compliments what they're wearing."
W: "Look at you! You're wearing a shirt! It's blue!"

Pie: I still think it was better than most of her stuff. I give it a 5.
Weet: I will give her a 4.
Esteban: I'll give her a 3, for the 3 male parts. Lefty, Righty, and Frank. [Cracks up.]
Weet: Ladies, gentlemen, and Pick Pickler, I apologize for Esteban.

Ace, "That's All"
[Ace preview.]
W: "Next, live in Mo's crotch, it's Ace! Wait, Mo, you have to see this." [Pauses television.]
P: "Oh my god, the short hair. The blue tie." [Fans self.] "He looks hot."
W: "Based on that look alone, I think he's done."
P: "I think he's done too, but..."
[Ace performs]
W: "He's so dreamy."
P: "Oh, and I love this song."
W: "Yeah."
P: "He. Looks. Hot. Oh wait, he's wearing a bun. I take it back. I still like the tie, though. And the suit fits him really well."
W: "Extra points for the suit. Because the suit is good."
Esteban: "My god, one of you take an anti-estrogen pill."
P: "He's doing a good job. I like everyone tonight. He's...very pretty! He's very pretty!"
W: "That suit is good."

Pie: I will give him a 7. He did a lot better than I expected. And I love the suit.
Weet: I will match your 7.

Katharine, "Someone To Watch Over Me"
W: "Rod Stewart is going to make out with Katharine. And now he's... making out with his handler. Wow, he loves Katharine. Rod Stewart is in love with his first brunette in history."
[Katharine sings]
P: "I'm downloading fucking everything tonight."
W: "Yeah, they're doing well. I like her eyeshadow but I hate her eyeliner. Why did they line her eyes with blue when they did an apricot shadow? Why? WHY!?"
P: "Extreme close-up."
W: "Is she in the pimp spot? Do we have anyone else? No. She's seventh."
P: "I feel like she's done a little better. I like Paris tonight better than her. And she keeps totally playing to the camera, and it's a little weird."
W: "The backlight is catching her ear and making her look like an embryonic fox or something. Is it Lilo and Stich where the eyes light up?"
P: "I don't know."
W: "She looks like a combination of Lilo and Stich."

Pie: I give her an 8.
Weet: I'll match that 8.

19 points: Elliot
18 points: Paris
16.5 points: Chris
16 points: Katharine
15 points: Taylor
14 points: Ace
7 points: Kellie

P.S. Mo pie loves comments.

*The correct spelling is cravat. Bonus points for Pie!


Anonymous kittysays said...

hey you two, well I think we are the same people because during chris all I could think was how unfortunate that cravat was. Then with Paris I was wincing at the suit...as for Taylor, the forst half booring, then capow! you are some funny girls...

5:32 PM  
Anonymous guppy said...

GOD. Kellie was terrible, wasn't she? Also, I know y'all love Ace, but I am starting to suspect that in addition to the stuff in his pocket, he stuffs his his face with crunchy peanut butter before he sings. And by "crunchy", I mean "avec marbles".

6:30 PM  
Blogger SubUrban Housewife said...

I was horrified by the man-bun on Ace, but I'll give him major points for working the suit.

This was me trying to explain to my 10 year old what the whole cravat thing was, though I called it an ascot, which is even more absurd.

Pick Pickler was dreadful, and her ass looked HUGE in that dress.

I think you both have McFeever envy because I thought she was fabulous tonight.

Paris did look like a stewardess, but I too loved her hair.

I totally have a date with Chris and his S burns later tonight.

They did something major to Elliot--which must always be said in the ET voice. His teeth were whitened and they did something to his hair. He didn't look as bad as usual and sounded great. But he needs to give Eddie Munster back his ears.

The craw, the craw. It's time for Taylor Hicks to go home.

10:18 PM  
Blogger Bozoette said...

A definite 9 for the arms. Oh my yes.

6:26 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

Every week, I love Elliott more and more.

Ace looked like a hit man for the Gay Mafia. Ace "Pretty Boy" Young, Velvet Mafia enforcer.

2:29 PM  
Blogger bowling with no panties said...

They lobbed a marshmallow right into Katherine-I-grip-the-e-meter-with-both-hands-to-drive-out-those-damned-thetans-McPhee's wheelhouse. Isn't that a hot baseball analogy? I knew it would be her night when I heard they were doing standards because ALL VOICE TEACHERS make you sing those bad boys...and what is her Mom? That's right. She's been singing stuff like that since she was 3.

I think everyone did a fine job except Kelly -- but at least she had CUTE SHOES RIGHT? You can be a lying judgesucking slut singing off key with a hick accent and it's all good because you're wearing silver sparkly shoes! THERE'S NO PLACE LIKE HOME!

Rod was TOTALLY ogling her. I said to my Idol Watchin' Buddy, "Say hello to the next Mrs. Stewart."

I liked Taylor and Elliot best. Elliot is such a great singer that I'm sad that he'll lose because he's a mutant troll boy. Chris did better than I thought. I adore Paris.

Ace was trying to do the fuck-me eyes at the end and looked demented instead of sexy.

His bun sent me over the edge. How PHISH of him. The beanie, the bun...why doesn't he just wheel out a huge bong onto the stage and do that freaky jam band dance stoned boys do at shows? Paula would dig it. She'd totally do bong hits with bun boy.

3:01 PM  
Blogger Kendra said...

Periodically my husband wanders in the room, looks at the tv, sees Elliott, and asks me "What is WRONG with that guy?"

It was smashing to see Kellie totally flub it. Highly entertaining.

4:44 PM  
Anonymous Martha said...

Who do you think is going tonight? Could it possibly be Pickler? Please be Pickler!

4:47 PM  

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