Tuesday, April 11, 2006

Top 8 Will, Top 8 Will, Rock You

Welcome to Queen night. Bucky and "Fat Bottomed Girls"? Pick Pickler and "Bohemian Rhapsody"? Ace and "We Will Rock You"? We can't wait.

For those of you who want to play along at home, our first wine for the evening is Cosentino Meritage from 1999. It is a delight. Tonight we will be pairing this wine with garlic and basil stuffed chicken breasts, and Sugar Free Jell-O Pudding in plastic cups.

Shout-out to the person who found our site via the Google search "kenny rogers looks strange." Why yes. Yes he does.

P: "Dunkelman! Dunkleman's ghost is back!"
W: "When do the American Idols take an elevator and walk across a glass bridge? And then lasers spring from their microphone?"
P: "In the finale."
W: "Fantasia's there!"
P: "Really? She did the best version of 'Crazy Little Thing Called Love.'"
W: "I remember that. And I like Randy's glasses. But once again he's got the stripes."
P: "But no vest, thank god."
W: "And Dunkelman's only got one arm up. 'Hello!'"
P: "Hee. I love Dunkelman's ghost."
W: "God, I hope Kellie asks where Freddie Mercury was."
[Discussion during Queen segment where Weetabix spots Mandisa. Indeed, Mandisa is there, talking to Queen. They're showing only the bits where they can cut Mandisa out. And then there's a picture of the whole group, which Mandisa is also in.]

Bucky, "Fat Bottomed Girls"
=P: "Go Bucky!"
W: "You know what my problem is with Bucky? He always seems to be a bearded short fat guy away from Jay and Silent Bob. I always expect him to go, like...."
P: "Snootchie bootchies?"
W: "Snootchie bootchies!"
P: "I like his voice on this song."
W: "He's got the point-to-the-camera thing down. And you know what? I have to point this out. He's got the Chris lights happening."
P: "He's kind of rockin' it."
W: "Get on your bikes and ride! That's what he's supposed to say there! Get on your bikes and ride!"
P: "As long as he doesn't smile, he's almost attractive."
W: "Look how he towers over Ryan! And you're right. As long as he doesn't smile. He needs veneers."

Pie: 7!
Weet: I would say a 6. I'm not feeling 7-strong.

Ace, "We Will Rock You"
W: "You ready for your boyfriend?"
P: "I'm a little bit ashamed of that now. Oh wait, now I'm not. He's hot. Wait, is he wearing LEATHER PANTS?"
W: "Yes! And... talons or something on his necklace. Puka beads with... some kind of teeth. And I think he's wearing blush again."
P: "I would still kiss him."
W: "Where?"
P: "Queen hates Ace."
W: "Well, he's giving them tips."
[Ace begins performing.]
P: "I'm sorry, I can't get past the leather pants."
W & P: "God hands! Jesus hands!"
W: "You know what? No shit in his pocket."
P: "The leather pants trump shit in the pocket. And that was a nice note. Can we hear that note again?"
W: "Do you want me to leave you alone with the note?"
P: "I love this. This is good."
W: "I think I see his weiner."
P: "You're drunk."
W: "This is not bad. This is much better than the trail of tears bullshit. He's not pointing at anything."
[We pause the shot where you can see down his shirt.]
W: "Alright, alright, Ace is hot."
P: "Again, you're drunk."
W: "MICKEY DOLENZ! I'm excited about Mickey Dolenz!"
P: "I rest my case."

Pie: 8
Weet: 8
[The judges hate him. Clearly we are blinded by his sex appeal.]

Pick Pickler, "Bohemian Rhapsody"
P: "My daddy who's in prison likes Queen!"
W: "Wow, she turned this into porn. Esteban was right."
Queen Guy: She did pretty good.
W: "That's because she blew him behind the drum kit."
[Pick Pickler begins singing.]
W: "Oh my god, she's in dominatrix gear. And... I don't know what to say about this."
P: "Okay, her voice sounds horrifying!"
W: "It's awful! But at least she's got the rock slut eyes down. I might even like Kellie Pickler if she went the Courtney Love route and went around with one boob hanging out."
P: "This is really embarrassing. This couldn't be any more embarassing if she was Courtney Love."
W: "I hope that when she gets back on stage she goes, 'Do you like my bo-dy?'"
P: "That vocal was wretched."
W: "You missed it, she winked. She did the Pickler wink."
P: "The judges are deaf."
W: "That was really astoundingly bad, and that isn't even my hate coloring it. This is clearly slanted toward Pickler."
P: "She 'doesn't understand his accent'? COME ON, Pickler."
W: "It's all an act."

Pie: 2, and that's generous.
Weet: 2, only because I really like the way she's done her eyes.

Chris, "Innuendo"
P: "I love Chris. I know I'm supposed to love Chris, but... I love Chris."
W: "I actually like his voice a lot. Oh my god, help me, the walllet chain is back. And he's got a cuff!"
P: "He's kinda hot too."
W: "Chris lights! Chris lights! He is hot. I like the beard."
P: "I can see why they want him to win. He's the real deal. I downloaded that Live version of 'I Walk The Line' and Chris's is better."
W: "He's got eyeliner on. AND IT'S HOT."
P: "Nice."
W: "Yeah. He just owns that stage. He owns it."
P: "Mm hmm."
W: "Camryn Manheim!"
P: "Wait, is Chris's wife a big beautiful woman?"
W: "I think she is, kind of, but I meant literally, Camryn Manheim is in the audience."
P: "Wait, Paula, what?"
W: "You need to transcribe this shit because it makes no fucking sense."
Paula: Chris, I mean, that last note that was like, what a high-C? What did you? The? Lemme-- Chris, the region you-- the band's probably never performed live this because they probably don't want to, and only you probably could, and there've been more times that you have superceded even when the band performs-- that's why you should look back at the package and watch how they are in admiration over your performance.
W & P: [stunned silence]

Pie: 8.
Weet: 9, because he wore the wallet chain and I think it was a shout-out to me.

W: "I think Simon is only happy if he can envision a singer on his ball sac."
P: "I don't know what that means, but I'm gonna blog that."
[Debate over the spelling and/or hyphenation of 'ball sac.' Weetabix goes to get her AP style guide. It doesn't have an entry for 'ball sac' but none of the ball words have hyphens, so we're going with no hyphen. Weetabix wants "as much space as possible between me and Simon's ball sac" so she's going with a space.]

Katharine, "Don't Stop Me Now"
W: "Even Katharine's mother and sister are gorgeous."
P: "Everybody's getting crazy lighting."
W: "This is the pyramid of McPheever. You know, because..."
P: "I get it."
W: "Okay. Just sometimes I say things that seem really obvious and you don't understand them."
P: "She's doing Jesus hands."
W: "She is! I bet she pulled Ace aside before the show and said, 'So, what's this Jesus hands thing?'"
P: "I like her top, too!"
W: "I hate her belt."
P: "I like her belt."
W: "I hate it. But Katharine could probably wear anything but a stableboy outfit."
P: "I don't know about that expression at the end there. It wasn't that good."
W: "No."
P: "We are so totally disagreeing with the judges tonight."
W: "They liked KELLIE and they did not like that. You can't tell me they're not being guided by voices."

Pie: 5
Weet: 6

Elliott, "Somebody To Love"
W: "I like this song. I can't believe Elliott had never heard it before!"
P: "I've never heard it before."
W: "You'll know it when you hear it."
P: "He looks kind of nervous."
W: "This is a hard song."
P: "You're right, I do know this song. It's from Ella Enchanted!"
W: "Okay..."
P: "I like Ella Enchanted's version better."
W: "That's not saying a lot for Mr. Yamin. Is he gonna do it? He wimped out on the last note. Freddy Mercury is a very hard act to follow."
P: "I think it was pretty good."

Weet: 7
Pie: 7

Taylor, "Crazy Little Thing Called Love"
W: "Oh my god, I hate his outfit. And his legs are making me think about his penis."
P: "His legs make you think about his penis?"
[Taylor kicks over the microphone on the second try, we laugh hysterically. We rewind.]
W: "The claw!"
P: "Oh, the claw! Rewind the claw."
W: "Maybe it wasn't a claw. Maybe it was just a snap."
P: "He's no Fantasia. But he's pretty good. I like his running-up-and-down-the-stairs thing."
W: "It doesn't make up for how funny the microphone kick was."
P: "He's got some charisma, man."
W: "Yeah, he's not doing bad. I hope he doesn't break a hip."
P: "Hee."
W: "He's all Blues Brothery, Joe Cockerish... he gives it his all."
P: "That was my favorite Taylor performance so far."
W: "I especially love the failed microphone kick, though. That made it gold."

Pie: 8
Weet: 8

Paris, "The Show Must Go On"
P: "Wow, she looks kinda hot."
W: "She's doing the dominatrix thing, but way better than Kellie. Suddenly she doesn't look seventeen anymore."
P: "I like the fingerless gloves!"
W: "I haven't seen those since 1986."
P: "Wow. She's going great."
W: "That must be a wig, right?"
P: "It's gotta be."
W: "She's kinda got a Vagaqua belt."
W: "They're all stealing that from Ace. Ace may have nothing left except his pretty little face."
P: "Everyone was pretty good tonight!"
W: "Kellie was not good."
P: "Kellie was shitty, but she's not going home."

Pie: 8
Weet: 8

Final score:
17 points: Chris
16 points: Paris, Taylor, Ace
14 points: Elliott
13 points: Bucky
11 points: Katharine
4 points: Kellie

We think Ace is going home based on the suggestions implanted in people's minds. Although Kellie CLEARLY deserves to go home. I guess we'll see. Leave us a comment if you're out there reading! Weetapie out.


Anonymous kittysays said...

ok, so what was with ace's blush? Queen hated him! ha!
Kelly has problems, those boots may have helped I fear

5:25 PM  
Blogger Eden said...

Am I the only one who thought Chris looked like Imhotep from The Mummy? I kept waiting for Brendan Fraser in khakis and a flood of scarabs to attack Seacrest.

7:45 PM  
Anonymous Kim said...

You bitches is crazy (and by bitches, I mean lovely, lovely ladies). Kellie was great, and I'm the one who said publicly (on my blog, anyway) that I thought she might be challenged in some academic way. I actually got goosebumps. Goosebumps! You can't fake that!

I still don't like Kellie much, but she was really good.

7:54 PM  
Anonymous Celine said...

Alright, I am travelling for work and thus missing The Idol this week. You ladies are my lifeline. I must say, not only do I feel like I saw the show even though I was drinking shiraz in a bar during that hour, but I am heartened to hear that Kellie stunk. Now America, SEND HER HOME.

8:44 PM  
Blogger Weetablog said...

Eden, he DID look like Imhotep! Wow, I found Arnold Vosloo hot in that movie too. And also, I think Vin Diesel is hot. Apparently, I have a type.

4:58 AM  
Blogger Kim said...

I love Queen. In high school I spent HOURS transposing a Queen song and Freddie Mercury was fucking brilliant.

Bucky--No, I really don't think Queen would hang at a bar with you. Or you at a bar with them. Did you sign that pact in blood? Well played, sir.

Kellie--I don't know what Simon is paying attention to during her performance (yes I do), but that WAS hideous.

5:09 AM  
Anonymous Martha said...

I think you're right. Ace is going home tonight. When, oh when, will America send Kellie and Bucky home???

I miss Mandisa!

6:15 AM  
Anonymous editrix said...

I blame the Vote for the Worst people for keeping Pickler around.

A Haiku ...

Kellie, trailer trash
go home. Freddie Mercury.
He spins in his grave

6:35 AM  
Anonymous shannon said...

Ace is going home, which is fine with me b/c I hate him for so many reasons I can't get into while I'm supposed to be working.

7:35 AM  
Blogger Bozoette said...

God, I wish I could be with you guys as you watch.

8:09 AM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Notice that Kellie didn't sing the Scaramouche part? Damn. That would have made it so much more enjoyably awful. Because, of course, there's no chance she would have pronounced it correctly, just like "salmon" or "calamari" or "dog."

One reason I look forward to the show each week is to see if she can outdo the airheaded comment she made the week before. And she did not disappoint last night. To Simon: "Huh? On paper? What's that mean?"

9:25 AM  
Anonymous Anonymous said...

My husband is in LOVE with Katharine and seems to think she is going to win the show. I got my money on Chris and his Chris lights to win. But I can't stand watching Elliot sing. He's so fugly looking even if his voice is pretty decent. And I'm a big fan of Taylor. I might cry when he gets sent home.


9:36 AM  
Blogger bowling with no panties said...

I pray Ace is going home. I know he's eye candy, but then he opens his mouth and ruins it all. I dug the leather pants though and was tremendously grateful that he didn't cry.

Katherine has no soul. She is soulless. Her eyes are flat and reptilian. She's pretty and sings with precision (although there were some notes she hit last night that were nasaly and screechy)and has the big bouncy boobies, but she's dead inside. It's OBVIOUS the producers favor her, but America knows a Xenu fearing E-meter clutching anti-psychiatrist brainwashee when it sees one.

Bucky -- he's a pleasant sort but doesn't have it in him to go all the way. I'm surprised he's lasted this long but I think he did well last night, bless his heart.

Elliot -- I love that song, and he did well, but again, he doesn't have that star quality that he needs. I'll be sad when he leaves though because I always look forward to his performances.

Paris -- She didn't suck ass last night but she didn't do as well as she's done other nights either. I loved her wig!

Chris -- He's got an awesome rock voice and if he doesn't win (because L.Ron and his Stormtroopers will threaten the producers if their prize thetan doesn't win)he'll get a record deal or a band will snatch him up. Maybe he can be the new lead singer of Velvet Revolver when Scott Weiland OD's and dies.

Kellie -- I was snarfing coffee out my nose when y'all said that she probably blew the drummer. She is so TOTALLY faking how stupid she is and I'm sick of her and her act and her face and her knee-drop and her eye-fucking the judges. I know America likes her (or is just Voting For The Worst) but I LOATHE her. LOATHE! LOATHE!

Taylor -- I love his showmanship, I dig his voice, I love the mean harmonica he played in the audition shows and I like his persona a lot. He won't win because he's too unique and kooky. When he tried to play it straight and stand there and sing, it was like someone tore his soul out and stuffed it in a hamper somewhere. I think he had his eyebrows waxed, though.

11:10 AM  
Anonymous Nicole said...

Love your site and the fact that you hate Kellie as much as I do. The "stupid act" wore thin after the first try. And sure, let's wink to the crowd after having sung a song about contemplation of suicide and death.

On a picky note, Katharine sang "Who Wants to Live Forever".. but she screeched the high parts more than anything.

Elliot, Taylor and Paris probably offended me the least last night (at least in terms of singing ability).

Note to the stylists.. putting the girls in hooker boots does not automatically give them "rocker" cred ok?

12:00 PM  
Anonymous Laura said...

I liked Bucky on that song, too, but really wished that Mandisa had been there to sing it instead.

My roommate and I half expected Pickler to break out in a falsetto "in the year 2000" (not that she would have ANY idea what that is). The zoom and lighting were perfect it, through.

Did anyone else think Katherine looked like Peg Bundy with that shirt and wide belt? Not good.

12:47 PM  
Anonymous Kat said...

Love this comment about Kellie from the Television Without Pity Idol forum:

"I hate how the bad vocals were completely ignored because she was wearing leather, flirted in Simon's face, and dropped down to her knees again. I think she's sending a subliminal message about the reason the producers favor her."


1:55 PM  
Anonymous Fresh Kim said...

I'm calling myself Fresh Kim to differentiate from other Kims who post here. Anyway, I got your message and it was AWESOME! I still disagree, but thanks for calling and I'll be sure to include it in my next podcast.

Also, I want to note that this was the ONLY Kellie performance I thought was good since her audition scenes, so it's not like I'm a Pickler fan. In fact, I kind of hate her.

Then again, you guys thinks Ace is hot, and I think he's gross. So we clearly don't see eye to eye on some things. Maybe I need to drink wine while watching the show! I'm going to try that next week.

2:58 PM  

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