Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Mo Pie's Random Top 13 Thoughts

Due to scheduling conflicts, we couldn't Weetapidol this week. I took notes while watching the show, though, and figured I might as well post them! If they make no sense, don't worry... a new edition of Weetapidol will be back tomorrow! --mo pie

Am I hallucinating, or does my TiVo say that they're all doing Michael Jackson songs? I hope someone does “Smooth Criminal.”

Ryan has a Dunkelman that looks like an index card. It is very straight.

They are doing a weird-ass introduction of the judges, and the judges all look very awkward. Paula is doing this ANTM walk. And Ryan Seacrest has just come out from behind some swinging doors as if he is about to do the luge. This is weird. Please don't do this every week, show.

Ione Skye is wearing a weird bow and making weird sounds. And acknowledging that “one or two or three” of the contestants could end up on the radio. Way to acknowledge reality, Ione!

I know saying that Paula is wearing a dead bird is played out, but... yeah. That is a dead bird.

So here are the contestant intros... again, no idea who many of these people are.

Michael Jackson theme. The advantage here is that Michael Jackson is so freaky that people could totally make it their own. Like David Cook with “Billie Jean” last year, which is still on my iPod, which I still love.

Lil Rounds
“The Way You Make Me Feel”

I like Lil's husband, he seems very sweet. And the three cute kids are going to be a plus.

The unfortunate thing is I'm judging everyone against Cookie's “Billie Jean” and so far? Not even close.

Her outfit is unfortunate. The pants are bad enough, but they completely clash with that top. The top would be great with different bottoms, but white pants? No. And that necklace throws everything off. No. You can't have a giant bow AND a gold necklace. And those pointy-ass earrings. I like the top, but I need it in a completely different context.

Okay she made it her own a little bit with that one high note, but this is basically not “making me feel” it, dawg. The way you're making me feel is bored, Lil Rounds.

Randy loves her... okay, Randy.
Kara thinks she'll be on the radio... okay, Kara: only two left for the “on the radio” spots!
Paula, who is wearing a DEAD BIRD, enjoys her outfit. And says it's “like angels singing” and is on drugs.
Simon, THE VOICE OF REASON. Thank you, Simon! Hates her outfit, too. Complete agreement.

Scott “Not A New Kid on the Block” McIntyre
“Keep the Faith”

Okay, I guess they can play the piano this season! He gets automatic points for being able to play the piano WHILST BLIND. But seriously I don't want to harp on that this season.

He has a pretty voice. I like the rich tone to his voice. I don't know this song at all, though.

That I thought was way better than Lil Rounds. I don't know; I like his voice more, I guess!

Ione talks first and says irritating things. I always thought the idea of a fourth judge who would be more substantive was a great idea. So why do I HATE HER?
Paula looks sleepy and bizarre and drugged up.
Simon hated it because it's unfamiliar. “It's fine being artistic, but not on this show.” That's not true, even though Alan Sepinwall and Simon both say it.
Randy, who goes last, says something I don't pay attention to, because once Simon talks, I'm out.

Danny Gokey
“Pretty Young Thing”

Hey, he's from Weet's town! Wisconsin in the heezy!

This is the first contestant in a long string of “people I have never seen before.” It is going to be really tricky to do my picks!

He is “making it his own” while wearing weird German-style glasses. And doing a little dance! I will give him points for his cute little dance and his German nerd glasses.

And Paula's rocking out, and he's rocking out! And I like him. Is that correct? I don't even know. I like him! I am digging on this song. And he has some type of Design on the back of his jacket, and I approve of it.

Paula is all trembling and teary and “you're on your way to the finals.” Which means nothing, coming from druggy McDoperson.
Simon thinks he's brilliant! Yes! I feel validated.
And then Randy and Kara presumably said some things. Wow, I literally did not pay attention. But I am a FAN of this guy.

Michael Sarver
“You Are Not Alone”

I'm not gonna lie; I kind of like this song. But this guy is douchey. Sorry. I have identified the frat boy douchey dude of the season, and it is this guy.


Zzzzzzz. Oh good lord this is dull. Competent. Serviceable. Dull.

He can sing, he's not bad looking, but I don't feel he has charisma.

Simon likes his “passion” and “heart” and that's sweet but he is not a puppy at the pound, Simon.
Randy says some things. “One of the best so far” when we are on NUMBER FOUR means nothing.
Ione keeps giving this intense face whenever she comments. God, she is trying so hard. I think I prefer the other three who phone it in. Or the other two and drugged-up Paula.
Paula: is on drugs. And wearing some crazy ass diamond coin purse from her hand. Please show, never lose Paula! Never lose the magic!

Jasmine Murray
“I'll Be There”

Oh god, someone named Jasmine. At least she's not wearing a flower in her hair. Also, I don't want to hear Ryan say “lets go down south” again.

She seems sweet; I like her! And her family is cute. And her Mom looks like Tina Turner only with... Botox?

And now she's singing. Her babydoll dress is kind of Boogie Nights, but I'm kind of enjoying it.

There is something about her high notes that is kind of husky and strange. And not in a cool, Fantasia-type way, either. She is cannon fodder, I think. Maybe even this week, stuffed in the middle of the pack as she is.

Kara still so far has nothing but good things to say. USELESS. She and Paula and Randy have all said nothing but good, useless things.
Wait, Paula just critiqued! And she still sounds like she's about to cry. But at least she said something negative.
Simon is giving the “not too harsh” cannon fodder critique.

Kris Allen
“Remember the Time”

Oh, sexy sideburns. Sorry, he's like 14, isn't he? Fuck. He has a zit. That zit tells me that he is Not Old Enough for me to find hot.

Aw! A newlywed! And he is cute. And he has a guitar. Oh dear.

Wait, he is singing out of only half of his mouth. That's not cute when Drew Barrymore does it and it's not cute here either, Kris.

Wow, I thought he was all cute in his video, and now... a complete 180. And I don't know much about the guitar, but he doesn't seem to be playing it so much as strumming one chord over and over and over again... maybe he's played too much Guitar Hero and thinks he's pressing the green and blue buttons or something.

Kara, whose top I love, by the way, is saying something positive. Shocking! She buries her criticism in a bunch of stupid praise. I hate you, Kara.
Paula is flirting with Simon. Maybe her voice is trembling because she's on drugs. Or nervous? Or something. She's all shaky. I feel like Paula is my dotty old aunt and I want to shield her from pain.
Simon thinks he should use his sex appeal and keep the wife hidden for a while. His wife doesn't get the joke at all. Oh, The Wife. You seem humorless.
Randy: “Very well job done.” Nice, Randy.

Allison Iraheta
“Give In to Me”

I like her hair color. But she strikes me as more cannon fodder. She's like that husky-voiced chick... Amanda? The “rocker” from a season or two ago? Who is going to get by on attitude and not much else? That's what I'm getting from her.

But maybe the “Latina” thing will carry her for a bit... we don't have nearly enough contestants of Hispanic descent.

I have nothing to say. The crowd is going wild, and I am bo-hored.

(I see on Alan's blog that she sang “Alone” in the semis. I heard about that performance and downloaded it and thought it was good, even given Carrie Underwood's awesome rendition. So I skew her slightly upward.)

Paula is mind-boggled. Well there's news.
Simon said “very good” but she should lighten up. Not bad advice.
Randy likes her so much and thinks she is one to watch. Am I high by finding her boring?
Kara, again, likes her. KARA WHAT IS THE POINT OF YOU?

Anoop Desai
“Beat It”

I think just by picking this song and being the 13th contestant, he won't go home tonight.

I like the Matrix graphics behind him. And I like what he just did with “Macho Man.” I am interested, Anoop. Also, the name Anoop is cool.

So far nothing is equalling, or even coming anywhere close to touching, Cookie's “Billie Jean.”

His voice cracked a little, but I liked the originality. And I really think he's not going to go home tonight, but he's also not going to be a contender for the finals.

Paula: Did not like it! Wow, Paula called it “karaoke” and got booed.
Simon: Thought it was horrible. This means Anoop is safe this week... I bet anything.
Randy just called him “Anoop Dawg” which is both awesome and appropriate.
Kara even agrees that he sucks. Wow, I thought it wasn't bad!

And now Anoop is desperately trying to save himself by saying he's hoping to be around next week. Oh, Anoop. You are cute and tall and have a dimple. Plus they slammed you and you were the wild card. You're most likely safe. Just stand there and smile.

Jorge Nunez
“Never Care to Say Goodbye”


I have never even heard this song.

Randy calls it old-timey and boring.
Kara says something annoying and overly emotes as she says it.
Paula didn't like this song either so you know it must be bad.
Simon calls it corny and out of his depth. Old-timey again. “Couldn't wait for it to end.” Amen, sister.

Megan Joy Corkrey
“Rockin' Robin”

Megan Utah! She is wearing some insane dress. Her mom is hot. MILF-hot, and she's not even my type. Oh god, if I'm finding the moms hot, I AM TOO OLD TO WATCH THIS SHOW.

The “I miss my baby so much” thing will make us want to send you home so you can be with your cute baby. Lil Rounds wasn't all weepy.

“Rockin' Robin”? This is weird. This is MJ? And she looks all awkward and weird and her teeth are too white and I hate her weird boob shirt.

I get this weird feeling that I almost PSYCHOTICALLY LOVE HER with the wavy hair and the high shoes and insane dress and tattoos, but right now I dislike her. I could be swayed, is what I'm saying. But not by this song.

Kara ANNOYS ME. I do not feel I could be swayed by her.
Paula is babbling but next to Kara I find her unintelligible blather comforting.
Simon hates the song choice: yes. “If this is the first time anyone had seen this person they'd all think we'd gone completely nuts.” Simon, this is the first time I've seen her and I feel like there's something there, but not this.
Did Randy talk?

Adam Lambert
“Black and White”

Fuck, he looks hot. He reminds me of my ex. He's kind of androgynous, too. Like my hot ex, who wore mascara. I am disturbed by my own response. And he has a wallet chain just for Weetabix.

Oh man, I am on board with this kid. If David Cook had not just won, I would be putting my money on him, I think.

Oh god, and Adam smiles just like my hot ex. WHO IS ALSO NAMED ADAM. I CANNOT PROCESS THIS.

Paula: loved him.
Simon: says Adam is “in a totally different league.” Yes. I am not blinded by my vagina! Simon agrees. Although I do not think it is up to the level of Cookie, because Cookie's performance was so amazing. One of the best Idol performances of all time. But this was very very very outstandingly good.
Randy: loves him. And Adam looks all emotional, not cocky at all.
Kara: loves him.
Mo Pie: loves him.

Matt Giraud
“Human Nature”

I have to say, this is actually turning out to be a pretty good theme. Even though nobody is singing “Smooth Criminal” yet someone has sung “Rockin' Robin” which is fucked up.

This is “cabaret.” This is what I think of as “cabaret.” He is being drowned out by the background music and by his own piano. And he is boring me. I feel like I am going up the elevator at Nordstrom and this is the piano player tinkling in the background.

Randy likes it. Ione likes it. Paula calls him sexy in what seems like a robotic fashion. Simon even said it was very good. Okay. Maybe I just want my hot ex back again. Come back, hot ex!

Alexis Grace
“Dirty Diana”

She is cute as a button, isn't she? And her little baby saying “Seacrest out!” Oh, that's cute. I don't know this song.

I love her hair. God, she's got great hair. And check out those legs! She's a little spastic but... yeah, she's pretty great.

Wow, that was great... I don't know the song, but she is gorgeous but I somehow don't hate her.

Paula and Simon both thought it was oversinging.
Randy thought it was not great but good.
Kara liked it. I liked the measured critique.

Two hours down! God I'm glad this is done!


Anonymous Anonymous said...

Hey Mo Pie

check out this video of MJ's Dirty Diana and I think you will love Alexis even more.


I thought she nailed that!


10:15 PM  

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