Top 7: Mariah Carey teaches the Idols how best showcase their boobs talent

Weetabix : hellooooo!
MoPie : hellooooo! I am set... I even have Ian's computer as a precaution against mine crashing
Weetabix : I am likewise on Esteban's pc and paused on the idols on the stage
MoPie : we are on our husband's jocks...if by "jocks" you mean "laptops"
Weetabix : you are 8 years old
MoPie : I should have said "laps"--that would have actually made way more sense
Weetabix : I'm sure it's in the urban dictionary that way
MoPie : I have either had too much wine or not enough. okay should I press play? I am exactly at the beginning
Weetabix : my vote is not enough
MoPie : CLINK!
Weetabix : ok, I'm going!
MoPie : me too! there is pretty Carly and annoying Syesha
Weetabix : brooke brought back her sproodly hair!
MoPie : and Archibald
Weetabix : I enjoy her sproodly hair. I am trying hard to like Brooke
MoPie : I enjoy the word "sproodly" and I think that she will be in the top two, so liking her is politic
MoPie : I have decided that if we call Randy "Randall," we should call David Archuleta "Archibald"
Weetabix : it's "trying". ok, what is Cookie? Cookington?
MoPie : I have to allow the old-timey names to come to me
Weetabix : manifest them
MoPie : more Michael Johns shock horror
Weetabix : oooh, Ryan dredging up old pain
MoPie : NOT THAT SURPRISING, people.
Weetabix : my pants were surprised!
MoPie : there are Randall, Pauline, and Simonskovich. see what happens when I try to force old-timeyness? I get Russian.
Weetabix : Pie, I love you but there is no way I'll be able to type "Simonskovich" when I'm drinking all the wines
MoPie : Archibald is tiny! and Syesha's boobs are... not. Mariah Carey night!
Weetabix : and speaking of not tiny boobs
MoPie : hee... here is her montage
Weetabix : she's had more singles than Elvis... I heard that on the radio today... more hits rather
MoPie : I loved Mariah at first, then I decided she was kind of a skank, and now I am neutral on her
Weetabix : oh, Ryan just said that... I've actually never liked her. At all.
MoPie : neutral/skank. she's no Andrew Lloyd Weber
Weetabix : in fact, I called her out in a short story, accusing her of sounding like a dolphin
MoPie : oh god, she's one of those celebrities with dogs
Weetabix : of course she is
MoPie : she does sound like a dolphin. Ian "read somewhere that she's black"
Weetabix : wow, I am TRANSFIXED by her breasts
MoPie : she is a diva! she cares nothing at all about any of those little Idols.
Weetabix : thank you, Ian, for the ethnicity spin. ask Ian about what he thinks Paula's ethnicity is
MoPie : Ryan is asking Randy a good question--with this theme, he can't complain that people are trying to sound like Mariah, because that's the point
Weetabix : Archibald!
MoPie : Ian thought Paula was from Lebanon, but admits he has no idea

DAVID "OMG UR 2 MBARA55N" ARCHULETA

MoPie : "Meeting Mariah Carey was really scary" Archibald rhymed!
Weetabix : he's afraid that she's sing one of those scary notes and his eardrums will burst
MoPie : Mariah as a mentor is not impressing me
Weetabix : her boobs are impressing me
MoPie : J. Lo was WAY better. here goes Archibald!
Weetabix : Archibald is wearing leather pants
MoPie : he is NOT!... is he?
Weetabix : I do not know how I feel about that fact in my life
MoPie : OMG he is
Weetabix : yes, see the shine?
MoPie : I don't know this song at all
Weetabix : me either, but it must be one of those songs that helped her beat elvis?
MoPie : the leather pants go well with his shirt... and now I am done looking at tiny Archibald's pants. here is my deep dark secret: I think Elvis is kind of overrated. does nothing for me
Weetabix : I enjoy some Elvis, but I feel that he's like musical cilantro: too much can be super annoying and also, taste like soap. I enjoy "Suspicious Minds" when I've been in my liquor.
MoPie : Archibald is holding his palm out as if he's asking for spare change. "Please, sir? I am little Archibald! The urchin! Canst thou spare a nickel?" Elvis is "musical cilantro." That is beautiful.
Weetabix : "please sir, can I have sum mo?"
MoPie : Randy was worried about "boys singing girl songs" Randy, you're so heteronormative
Weetabix : aw, Randall and his gender confusion
MoPie : Paula has shaggy bangs... she looks like a fluffy dog
Weetabix : Paula is channeling Mariah's thoughts now?
MoPie : Paula doing channelling explains a lot
Weetabix : Simon seems to be sort of falling over himself to not insult Mariah's music
MoPie : she's probably always channelling something, we just have to decide what
Ian : "That kid looks like he's in grade school."
Weetabix : he's BABY XANDER! he's a kid in Sunnydale Grade School!
MoPie : hee! Carly is next! Carly, BE AWESOME.
Weetabix : ugh, I just had a flashback to last week and the sign held by the 9 year old begging him to lick his lips... shudder!
MoPie : STOP TALKING ABOUT IT!

CARLY "THEY ALWAYS BE STEALIN ME LUCKY CHARMS" SMITHSON

MoPie : Carly's dress is pretty, and so are her breasts
Weetabix : Carly is wearing THE BEST DRESS
MoPie : since we have a breast theme.
Weetabix : Actually, that reminds me of the shirt that Shannonk helped me pick out when we were in LA last December. I enjoy Breast Week!
MoPie : so I guess Michael is the only funny one.
Weetabix : They should double Breast Week, not Beatles Week
MoPie : she just called him "MJ"
Weetabix : holy shit, check out Mariah's high heels
MoPie : I think they did that whole interview to pimp Carly... to align her with Aussie and make people like her.
Weetabix : how does she walk on carpet with those? OOOOOH, I love this song
MoPie : I can't see Mariah's heels. I can see her boobs. and also her boobs. and thirdly, and finally, her boobs.
Weetabix : her heels are sixteen inches tall... and agreed on the boobs.
MoPie : this is a good song!
Weetabix : it totally is. It's one of my favorites. Also, isn't this cheating? It's a remake that Mariah did. How is that a Mariah song?
MoPie : Ian claims this is a "Nillson" song
Weetabix : it is
MoPie : I think he's just making syllables
Weetabix : it's on one of my writing playlists
MoPie : I hope that all of this pimping and awesomeness means Carly is safe
Weetabix : I hope so too, because she must be rewarded for this fantastic dress and also, the boobs. oh yeah, and the singing
MoPie : what do you think of the... er... singing? hee
Weetabix : awesome as per usual. I think it was more than "pretty good" Randall. Oh dear god, Paula is channeling a kitchen sponge right now
MoPie : hee. Paula complimented her on "choosing different parts"... she might be channelling a pick-and-pull scrapyard.
Weetabix : booo Simon, Carly did SO pull that off. Isn't he looking at all of her boobs?
MoPie : ha! maybe he's a leg man
Weetabix : that's right, Haley Scarnato
MoPie : my thoughts exactly
Weetabix : and also, to some extent, Katharine McPhee

COMMERCIALS
Weetabix : ff
MoPie : oh, I am caught up...sorry, now there's a commercial with a red car
Weetabix : ok, I am paused with Ryan surrounded by a million girls...um, way overcompensating Ryan. we get it, you're "STRAIGHT"
MoPie : I will let you know when I get to Ryan Overcompensates
Weetabix : actually, there's a surprised and delighted guy almost directly behind him

SYESHA "FINALLY A WEEK MADE FOR ME" MERCARDO

MoPie : Mariah doesn't even hug the contestants or anything
Weetabix : she doesn't want the germs of mediocrity. I'll bet the contestants were instructed to not touch the Diva
MoPie : now she is doing an air kiss
Weetabix : oh perhaps Mariah must engage
MoPie : I like the piano player's little chin sprout
Weetabix : isn't that Ricky Minor? maybe not?
MoPie : Syesha continues the theme of the evening... with the... boobs. suddenly I like Syesha more!
Weetabix : well, clearly we are a boob crowd
MoPie : seriously, that dress is gorgeous on her
Weetabix : it is. Unlike the grey she wore during the mentoring session, this color is FANTASTIC on her... like, magical
MoPie : she sounds great. fuck, Carly is in trouble.
Weetabix : ooooh, I actually enjoyed that run
MoPie : me too... the problem is, what happens if nobody sounds shitty? so far everyone sounds pretty good!
Weetabix : maybe Jason Castro won't be able to haul out a ukelele on a Mariah Carey song and he'll finally get the boot. also, KFC's night has to be coming soon, right? I wouldn't bet money on Syesha going tonight, quite honestly. Like country week for KFC, this is Syesha's week.
MoPie : yes, I agree. I think Paula just said "magic" like eight times. She's channelling David Copperfield.
Weetabix : the magician or the Dickens character?
MoPie : either one, really. Dickens goes with the old-timey theme and the other one goes with the magic and the tits. it's all gold, baby.
Weetabix : I would enjoy the show more if Paula burst out with a "crikey, govna!"

COMMERCIALS
MoPie : this would be where we would ff if I was able to ff... instead I WILL DRINK MORE!!
Weetabix : I am paused on a spinning Idol logo... tell me when you get there
MoPie : you could just let it ride, dawg.. yet you hate commercials too much to sit through them!
Weetabix : I will next time but I had already pressed ff... I do hate commercials though. This is what I am willing to live with for the sake of Weetapidol
MoPie : yes but I am watching Ashley Tisdale in the commercial. go Sharpei!
Weetabix : I wish Idol were like other reality shows and they could win immunity somehow
MoPie : I award immunity to Carly

BROOKE "NO CLEAVAGE BUT DETERMINED TO MAKE YOU CRY" WHITE
Weetabix : gone!
MoPie : BRooke's dress sparkles!!
Weetabix : brooke is sparkly
MoPie : and yet an I see her boobs?
Weetabix : jinx!!
no, not seeing boobs
MoPie : I meant... "and yet can I see her boobs"?
Weetabix : that's it, she's getting voted off
MoPie : MORE BOOBS, BROOKE.
TAKE OFF YOUR TOP.
Weetabix : actually, I HATE that dolman sleeve cut. It's so DorothySbornak
oooh, Hero
MoPie : Brooke is so sweet.
Weetabix : you can tell that Brooke's hippy dippyness is bugging the shit out of Mariah
MoPie : I want to be pals with Brooke. Brooke, call me!
yes, that is the subtext
oh we didn't say BROOKE WHITE
we should put that up higher
she's doing that short-of-breath thing
Weetabix : I think she's safe this week. Her curly hair will override the lack of breasts.
MoPie : Brooke, do not get voted off. you will destroy my Weetapidol pool score.
she sounds kind of.. not great.
Weetabix : actually, I'm not so much liking this dawg
I'm glad that we both agree
MoPie : it's a little fast... there's too much emphasis on the piano over her voice.
Syesha was way better.
Weetabix : because what the Weetapidolers don't realize is that we pretty much typed that at the same time
MoPie : yes. we need to find a way to convey that... when we type things simultanously, which we've done like three times now.
this is not good!
Weetabix : yes, it's not terribly full of emotion or anything. I mean, it's sad when I actually think the Mariah version is better. I don't think that about anything ever, really.
MoPie : the piano is just CHORD CHORD CHORD
Weetabix : what does this remind me of? Gah, that's going to bug me.
the way she's singing it, it's like it's just some trivial little nothing song. It's supposed to be kind of inspiring and emotional.
MoPie : Randy hated it, but likes Brooke
Paula is going with more of her Brooke compliments. "you're identifiable."
Weetabix : Paula likes Brooke's hair
MoPie : "I am able to recognize you when you are on the stage."
Weetabix : well, she hasn't said that, but she's basically saying that
Simon thinks that Brooke is a Boca Burger
MoPie : don't pout, Brooke. DON'T MAKE ME ANNOYED, BROOKE.
Weetabix : are they really saying "the meat was in the bun"?
my head is going to explode
and then ryan, asking about where the meat was?
AAAAAAAGH!
MoPie : oh, I think Ryan knows where the meat is.
Weetabix : heee!

KRISTY LEE "MY BOOBS ARE BLESSED BY GOD AND AMERICA" COOK
MoPie : god, speaking of which (kind of) Kellie Pickler won MULTIPLE CMAs.
Weetabix : Notice Mariah's body language during the mentoring session? The head shaking? The vaguely distressed look?
MoPie : KFC is featuring her boobs, though. nice boobs, KFC. or should I say "breast meat"?
Weetabix : the same looks I'm giving right now upon learning of Pickler's CMA win... I'm not sure how I feel about that dress
MoPie : that was a terrible chicken joke.
Weetabix : it really was...
MoPie : I like the dress, actually. she's making squinchy eyebroes. she isn't that bad. Brooke was worse. oh god.
Weetabix : I don't like this, not at all
MoPie : she sounds like she's singing at a prom
Weetabix : although, her vocals aren't bad really, I just don't like watching her perform
MoPie : I blame the song, though
Weetabix : that's actually what I was going to say about her dress, but then you said you liked it. and I didn't want to harsh your mellow...although, check it out, when they show her from the front, it's entirely a different color than when they show her from the back
MoPie : you can harsh my mellow. it wasn't that great, whatevs.
Weetabix : Paula is blown away? Paula is channeling a leaf blower.
MoPie : hahaha... that actually just made me laugh out loud
Weetabix : well, my work here is done!
MoPie : their attack of KFC means people will vote for her
Weetabix : I love that Simon brings it back down to earth and calls the performance "whiny"
MoPie : she's the Jasmine... she'll hang on until the end
Weetabix : maybe?
Weetabix : That's unfortunate. I honestly find her very vanilla and non-objectionable. I just don't see the appeal

COMMERCIALS
MoPie : I need some wine while the commercials commersh.
Weetabix : ok, I'll sit here and enjoy the Mac commercial ever since I became a Mac owner, I'm succumbing to the typical Mac owner superiority that is so annoying to PC owners
MoPie : oh no.. I enjoy the commercials but... oh no.
Weetabix : I know. I'm sorry. I'll apologize now while I am still feeling humble enough to talk to you.
MoPie : ha!
Weetabix : I actually used to be vaguely offended by the mac commercials, just because the PC guy was kind of overweight and the Justin whateverhisnameis kid is such a hipster douche... but now I just laugh and think "Oh MAC!"
MoPie : when I first saw that commercial, I couldn't figure out if it was pro-Mac or pro-PC... I thought the PC guy was so cute and the Mac guy was so snotty
Weetabix : exactly... I felt very bait and switched by the commercial...like "oh, wait, I'm identifying with the wrong protagonist"
MoPie : rroooo rooooo!

DAVID "WHEN I THINK ABOUT YOU I TOUCH MYSELF" COOK
Weetabix : look at how small Ryan's wee little head is! this confirms every suspicion...COOKIE! Ooooh my god! This just might be awesome. this might be another "Hello"
MoPie : spoiler alert! he is supposed to be awesome
Weetabix : I predict correctly! I am justified! oooh, and he's sufficiently rumpled and wearing a white shirt! the wrinkled white shirt is this season's "wallet chain" for me
MoPie : did he borrow Aussie's vest?
Weetabix : oooh, there are violins and TOTAL Chris Lights... except.... this means that Castro's got the pimp spot. Dane Cook DESERVED the pimp spot
MoPie : this is what Constantine always thought he was
Weetabix : I don't want to end the night on Castro! yes, this is awesome
MoPie : we could just pretend our TVs cut out. or invent some random comments about Castro: "Paula is channeling a phone psychic!"
Weetabix : also, I went to youtube and watched some Constantine clips. He's just a big singing penis face... I don't see the allure
MoPie : that is an accurate description of Constantine
Weetabix : Ok, so that? Was seriously hot.
MoPie : I really don't know this song, but Randy is wetting himself over it
Weetabix : I concur with Randall. That was worthy of standing up and applauding.
MoPie : I really enjoyed it
Weetabix : you actually do know it. It's bubble gum pop and you've heard it a million times.
MoPie : go Cookie! go Cookie! the battle of the Davids is totally on. okay I will need to listen to the original and then this one again. aw, is Cookie crying? it's okay, little Cookie!
Weetabix : it's so endearing! and yes, I think he's weeping! YES! confirmed with HD big screen
MoPie : Ryan's dumb. "I never thought in a million years I'd hear David Cook doing Mariah Carey." Until you declared it MARIAH CAREY WEEK.
Weetabix : all the girls in the audience just simulatenously orgasmed
MoPie : aw, Cookie! suddenly I want to vote for him.
Weetabix : "LET ME FIX YOU!"
MoPie : hee

JASON "I GET LAID MORE THAN ALL OF THESE CHUMPS COMBINED" CASTRO

MoPie : oh god, Jason Castro
Weetabix : he's such a douche face
MoPie : "I think he's really unique"--Mariah, that's so ungrammatical
Weetabix : wow, falsetto was interesting
MoPie : Jason just hit a ridiculous note
Weetabix : he was trying to channel a dolphin. or maybe that's the noise he uses to clear out his bong? I don't know what that means, actually
MoPie : why does he always make those "I'm about to go in for a kiss" faces?
Weetabix : but bong! funny!
MoPie : stop making lopsided kiss faces. I thought it was funny! if you don't think about it too much
Weetabix : thank you for reassuring me, sort of! However, yes, the faces? They bug.
MoPie : he's got the pimp spot and not sucking... I think Carly or Brooke are in trouble
Weetabix : I think Brooke is in more trouble than Carly... but Carly's definitely in danger
MoPie : Ian: "Ugh! Can they make him cut his hair!"
Weetabix : oooh, but maybe if Randall will harsh his mellow, there's some hope?
MoPie : I love Randy's "beach luau" criticism... and then comes Paula.. "I'd love to be at that luau!"
Weetabix : I would be ok if they just made him wash it
MoPie : hahaha!
Weetabix : Paula is channeling a fiddler crab...
MoPie : hee or Annette Funnicello
Weetabix : ooh, much better than the fiddler crab. also, Simon approves. Hmmm, maybe he's trying to convince everyone that Castro's safe? Is he undermining the vote? I'm trying to determine too much end game.
MoPie : yeah, I think it's pretty evident that the women, buried at the beginning of the performances, are toast... they are safe putting Archibald first, because he is going NOWHERE
Weetabix : Gah, Paula is channeling Rain Man, just randomly repeating the things that Ryan says.. my tivo cut out
MoPie : I fear it may be Carly's week to go
Weetabix : nooooooo! although we have said all along that she was going to break our heart
MoPie : that is what my gut is saying... although Brooke really--now that I see the montage--really was the worst of the night
Weetabix : it does seem that Brooke has earned more voter goodwill than Carly... so, is Carly your prediction?
because I'm going to predict Jason Castro, just because it makes me happy
MoPie : I don't know... actually I think my head says Brooke because Carly got the Aussie in my Pants alignment
Weetabix : either way, you're predicting a girl?
MoPie : oh definitely... Castro was in the pimp spot, both Davids ruled
Weetabix : oh, one can only hope, unless some of the Aussie contingent gets confused by Dane Cook's vest and votes for him
MoPie : I really hope Syesha, unfairly, is voted off. or KFC. KFC would be very satisfying
Weetabix : yes, let's hope for the grievous injustice!


WEETAPIDOL OUT
WEETAPIDOL'S BOOBS ALSO OUT